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How Do You Use Your Thoughts to Affect Your Future?

Thoughts are real. You can smell them, sell them, and even hear them. In this episode, Doreen and Jeff discuss the power thoughts have in your life after divorce and how you can decide how to use your thoughts to shape your future.


Doreen: Hey my friends, how you doing? Today we’re gonna talk about our thoughts because you know what thoughts are real, meaning that thoughts create your reality. So if you are ready to create a reality in your life that’s amazing. Then let’s get started.

Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

Jeff: Hey Doreen, how are you?

Doreen: I’m amazing.

Jeff: I know you are. What’s new, how’s everything going?

Doreen: We’re doing good. Getting ready. Let’s see. We just got back from North Carolina.

Jeff: Yep. Blowing rock

Doreen: Was amazing being in the mountains and enjoying the cool weather back into sunny south Florida. Heat.

Jeff: Yes.

Doreen: I guess everybody’s experienced so much heat these days.

Jeff: It’s a big topic on the news today.

Doreen: Yes, yes it is. And everyone be careful. Stay hydrated and just be aware of it.

Jeff: Absolutely.

Doreen: But now we’re headed down to the keys to spend a couple weeks down there and we’ll be definitely recording from down there, sharing some insights and hopefully some good things with our listeners.

Jeff:  Definitely not experiencing any cool weather down there.

Doreen: No. Well, hello. It is Florida.

Jeff: It is South Florida

Doreen: And it is July.

Jeff: Yes.

Doreen: Yes, but I will tell you what’s really interesting, I was having a debate with one of our friends, David, about this the other day, if you remember, we were out to dinner. And I’ve lived here forever. Right. I’m not gonna say how long because. It’s a long time. Okay. Since I was five years old, let’s just say that. And the summers have definitely got hotter, you know, there’s no question about it. I mean, just based on my own experiences, we used to hit like maybe, you know, mid-eighties, like, you know, that would be a high way back when. Now it’s like, almost a hundred or a hundred, right?

Jeff: Yeah, it seems that way. And then all over the country too. So it’s pretty scary actually.

Doreen: It is. It’s concerning. But anyhow, let’s talk about our thoughts.

Jeff: Yeah. Well, you know, we typically will come up with a podcast episode topic based on what’s going on in our lives or what’s something we hear or something we see.

And the other day we were watching a series called Swagger based and, uh, co-produced and inspired by the events on the life of Kevin Durant who plays in the NBA with the Phoenix Suns.

Doreen: Yeah. And if you wanna see it, it’s, I think it’s a, we’re enjoying the series. We love finding new series. This is on Apple.

And I like it because our kids especially Megan was a D one volleyball player and I know what she went through to go through high school and, you know, get noticed and then get picked up by Watford College to play, in which she had a full scholarship, which was amazing. And thank you Megan, for all that hard work. We love you. But yeah, it’s a really good series, but they had a really good, they had a couple good parts that we thought this is something we wanna talk to you guys about in our coaching. So, yeah. I’m sorry to interrupt.

Jeff: No. no, that’s okay. And it’s not only we can relate to it because of Megan, but the acting’s great. The writing is great. It’s just a really great story.

Doreen: It is. And I get to learn a little bit more about how the young people talk. Okay. No, the language is great, but it’s, you know, it’s very cool. Very cool.

Jeff: So what happened is the main basketball coach on the team was talking to the main character again inspired by Kevin Durant.

And he was talking about his game was off. And he was saying, listen, you are playing not to lose. Right. You need to start playing to win. Right. And that really struck me hard because it was all about his thoughts. Right. You know, he was thinking about not losing instead of thinking about winning.

Doreen: Yeah. He was so concerned that the other team, especially one particular player, you know, was really, really good. These kids in the movie, they’re like 14 years old. Right. And he was all in his head about it and he was definitely not on his game cuz he was playing not to lose, right? Instead of just being so focused on his goal to win,

Jeff: But he still had losing in his thoughts.

Doreen: Yes, that’s a problem

Jeff: Whether it was not to lose or to lose, the losing was still in his thoughts and not winning.

Doreen: Right. So how do we relay this to our listeners post-divorce.

Jeff: Well, I think what came to our minds are that

Doreen: Oh, I’m singing today.

Jeff: Yeah. Your thoughts are real. I mean, they’re really, really real. They do metamorphosize into real things.

Doreen: Right. So if you’ve got what I’m gonna call stinky thoughts, really

Jeff: Stinking Thinking.

Doreen: Stinking thinking. If you have stinking thinking after divorce, you might wanna think about your stinking thinking because if you’re thinking in a way that is not to be a winner, whatever that looks like for you and what you want post-divorce, that’s part of the problem.

And I have to tell you, we fall into that trap all the time. You right? I mean, things happen in our day and you get into stinking thinking and you’re like, you just keep thinking that way. And when you think that way, especially when you’re running a team, I’m running a team, right? So when I go in with stinking thinking into a meeting, what do you think is gonna happen?

Jeff: Well, well, I think if we’re gonna quote Zig Ziglar on stinking thinking, we need to say the rest of the quote.

Doreen: Go,

Jeff: Then you need a checkup from the neck up.

Doreen: Okay. So say the whole quote. Wait, who is it from?.

Jeff: Zig Ziglar. He’s one of the best. You know, if you’re experiencing stinking thinking, you need a checkup from the neck up.

Yes. Because, you know, even though we all experience, you know, negative thoughts and thoughts that don’t serve us, we have the ability to catch ourselves well and redirect our thoughts.

Doreen: And let me just clarify that it’s okay to have bad thoughts, uncomfortable, or you know, not productive thoughts when something in your life happens that really deserves, you know, that type of mindset.

Like I always say, if somebody you love is sick. You know, just got diagnosed with a horrible illness. Of course you’re gonna have stinking thinking, right? Right. Because you love this person and this is not a good thing. And you’re supposed to, you’re, it’s okay to feel the anger and the hurt and probably betrayal and all of that. It’s when you are having stinking thinking about things that really you don’t have to have stinking thinking about.

Jeff: Yeah. And even after divorce, you know, it’s okay to have, you know, negative thoughts, but it’s time to move on and get over it.

Doreen: Yes, yes.

Jeff: You know, kick yourself in the butt and get, move on.

Doreen: Yeah. Because you know what the bottom line is it happened. And you are recovering from the divorce you’re getting stronger every day. But if you dwell in the in the past of the, you know, this happened to me, was me, all these negative things, you’re only creating that negative in your life.

So I love that thoughts are real, you know, title that you came up with today because thoughts are real in the sense that they’re real as to making your reality.

Jeff: I’m gonna get a little hokey here and give you some examples.

Doreen: You’re gonna get hokey.

Jeff: Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I can do that every now and then. That thoughts can be real. You know, the thoughts can be heard. Did you know that?

Doreen: Well, I would assume that if you.

Jeff: Well, you know.

Doreen: Go ahead. Go ahead explain

Jeff: Music is composed of thoughts. Somebody will come up with a melody based on a thought. They’ll come up with lyrics based on a thought. Whether it’s the composer, the writer, or the musicians that develop those thoughts into your and into music. They are starting off with thoughts. Okay?

Doreen: And then thoughts can be shared.

Jeff: How do you, what do you mean by that?

Doreen: Well, like if you have a thought, an idea, it’s probably the one of the things that we share with the people close to us in our life.

Jeff: Absolutely.

Doreen: It could be with a coworker, it could be with a friend, it could be with your ex, it could be with your child, it could be with your team, you know, so you’re sharing your thoughts. So when I go into a meeting with negative thoughts or stinking thinking, I’m gonna share that with everybody.

And if I do that, everyone’s gonna get into stinking thinking mode. So thoughts can be heard, thoughts can be shared.

Jeff: Do you know, you can smell a thought?

Doreen: I did not know you could smell a thought.

Jeff: And we’re  not gonna talk about Zen.

Doreen: That’s our dog.

Jeff: Our dog. What I’m talking about is somebody.

Doreen: I’ll just tell everybody he’s a Frenchie. I’ll leave it at that. Those of you out there that have Frenchies, you know what I’m talking about?

Jeff: Yeah. I don’t even think he’s thinking about it. But, at one time somebody thought about playing with flowers and oil and you know what he invented?

Doreen: Probably perfume.

Jeff: Perfume, so you can smell his thoughts.

Doreen: Ah, so how about thoughts can be sold or bought? Right?

Jeff: That’s interesting. I was listening to something recently about Elon Musk. Did you do any research on that? I wanted to talk a little bit about that.

Jeff: I did some research and I haven’t found the specifics on it. But it sounds very, very, I don’t know if it’s interesting or scary or like, you know

Doreen: No, I think it’s interesting. Something about basically using artificial intelligence and please don’t quote us on this because we’re not like schooled on this. This is something

Jeff: Yeah. We haven’t done our research yet.

Doreen: This is something that I heard or read in, you know, the Googles. But basically that he’s looking into some kind of technology using artificial intelligence that can help people that have an illness such as Alzheimer’s, a mind driven illness, right?

Where you would put some kind of a chip or artificial intelligence and be able to help that side of the brain, that part of the brain that isn’t working. Do you want to share anything

Jeff: That’s incredible? I don’t have any information to share on that yet.

Doreen: No. About you personally.

Jeff: Oh, as far as me, yes. I was diagnosed about two years ago with Parkinson’s.

Doreen: That’s why it was so interesting

Jeff: It was very, very interesting to me. And as a matter of fact, a coworker at the real estate office brought it up to my attention. He said, have you heard about this? And I said, no. And it was amazing.

So I am gonna look into it, but they have right now deep brain stimulation, surgery. They have all kinds of surgeries where they go into the brain with their stem cells and electronics and everything. I don’t want to get deep into it, but it’s amazing what they’re doing right now.

Doreen: Right. So when we say thoughts can be bought or sold, what we mean is, you know, Elon Musk is a pioneer, obviously in the thought that seems kind of crazy when you know others hear it go back to the Tesla taking an electronic car and making it as luxurious and as fast as he has with the Tesla. Nobody thought that could be done. And look at it. Look at the iPhone. Right. It was just a thought. I mean, I don’t wanna date myself, but I remember when, and our kids do, our older kids, we didn’t have iPhones, we didn’t have cellular phones, you know, so somebody comes up with something. So what we’re suggesting is that after divorce, the sky is truly the limit. You can think whatever thoughts you wanna have about your future, and as unrealistic as someone may think they are, and even you.

You may think they’re unrealistic. Like, I have a dream of doing this. I don’t know how I’m gonna get there, but I have this dream. You know what the reality is that that dream can come true.

Jeff: That’s true.

Doreen: What’s the next thing?

Jeff: Well, I want, I have a quote from Gandhi or is it Gandhi?

Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values, and your values become your destiny.

Doreen: Oh, that’s beautiful.

Jeff: Yeah. Isn’t that amazing?

Doreen: Well, isn’t that what we teach our clients post-divorce and our coaching?

Is that you have a circumstance, the divorce. You have a thought about the divorce, the thought then brings a feeling to you. Meaning a vibration in your body. Right. Whatever that is. And then you take action based on that, and then that creates the results in your life.

Jeff: It’s very, very similar. I thought of that as soon as I read that and I was like, wow, I have to share this.

Doreen: So tell me more about how this thought work can help our clients post-divorce.

Jeff: Well, I mean, post-divorce, it’s very, very important that you think about and make sure your thoughts are congruent with your goals, right?

You know, it is very, very important that you understand that what you want. Isn’t just something you want, it’s something that you have to think about and put your mind to it, and the actions will come from those thoughts and those feelings, right? And you’ll get whatever goal you want it, it’ll happen.

Doreen: Right. You have to work at it. You can’t just have the thought. You have to have the passion. Behind the thought to drive the action.

Jeff: Absolutely.

Doreen: Right. So when you’re looking at creating your new life, which I would welcome you to be excited about, right? Put that chapter behind you, the old one.

The marriage is done. You’re moving on. You probably might even have a co-parenting relationship with this person. You might even be friends on some other level, you know, but that relationship, that part of your life is over. Now you’re gonna create this new chapter, this amazing new chapter. Well, let me just say, you can make it amazing.

You can make it so, so you can make it not so amazing. It’s truly, truly, up to you.

Jeff: Well let me add to that because I’m not just saying, if you think about something, you’ll have it, you’ll have it.

Doreen: No.

Jeff: Okay.

Doreen: This is not like a vision board. Right.

Jeff: Although vision boards can be great for aligning your thoughts for seeing them on a daily basis and for, you know, saying, Hey, this is my vision board.

This is to remind me that I need to have those thoughts. Right, right. Because our thoughts are always going to go, because we’re human. Our thoughts are always gonna go to negative. Like, we’re gonna think positive, we’re gonna think negative, we’re gonna think in average. But these vision boards I kind of like, because if you put them somewhere where you can see it on a daily basis, like in your bathroom, it’s gonna remind you to have good thoughts, you know, whatever that is. So create a vision board guys.

Jeff: Where was going with the thought thing is,

Doreen: Did I interrupt you again?

Jeff: No, you didn’t. No you didn’t because you shared great stuff and, but when you have a thought, let’s say Elon Musk wanting to think about electric cars that inspired other thoughts to make it happen. So it’s not like, oh, I think we should make electric cars, and they just showed up.

Doreen: Right. Well, there already were electric cars. He just made it amazing.

Jeff: Yeah. But he also had thoughts to how to make him amazing. And the, so the resources that he had to think about to make it happen.

Right? And once he found those resources, he had other thoughts to make those resources, make it happen. Have the same thoughts. So thoughts expand, right? Thoughts grow right into other thoughts.

Doreen: Well, they do. As long as you stay focused on your, where you’re going.

Jeff: No, of course

Doreen: You know what happens and why most people, unfortunately, in life really never reached their, well, I would suggest. I’m thinking I’m taking a breath because I don’t wanna get a lot of slack for this. I’m just gonna suggest that most people out there have thoughts of being something amazing. Right? From the time you’re a child.

Right. Really you dream. As a child and as a young adult, you dream of your future. You dream of these amazing things that can happen to you, that you can be, and then life takes over, right? Things happen and you lose that drive. So you’ve got to continuously check in with yourself and determine, you know, again, this is what I wanna do.

Like I’m really passionate about this and what am I doing with my thoughts to get there?

Jeff: Yeah. It’s, or hire a great coach.

Doreen: Hint. Hint. I mean truly that’s what we do. I mean, if we wanna put it plain and simple, what we do is we help our clients stay focused on their goals.

Jeff: We’re redirecting their thoughts.

Doreen: Yeah, we’re accountability in the sense of accountability, but self-accountability, right? We’re not gonna force you to do anything. We’re not going to even sometimes suggest for you to do things. What we’re gonna do is we’re gonna help you to uncover your thinking and set your priorities on your thinking.

In other words, why are you thinking that? Why do you choose to think this? You know, have you thought about this? So we’re helping you to uncover those thoughts and to kind of stay aware of who you are and what you want.

Jeff: I was just gonna say, it’s all about awareness.

Doreen: It’s all about awareness.

Jeff: You know, and like I said in the beginning of the podcast, I didn’t want to say that we’re getting too hokey or anything cuz there’s people that are totally into astrology and numerology and the non-physical spirituality, so to speak. And then there’s that are like very practical and down to earth and evidence and prove this, and practicality,

Doreen: Scientific, a, you know, one plus one equals two.

Jeff: Yeah. Yeah. And I like to see that there’s a happy medium where you can have the belief in yourself. And then have the direction, the logical direction on how to get there. Right. But you have to have the passion as well.

Doreen: Of course. And why is it, you know, like, again, I wanna go back to when you look at a young person, you know, you look at these in the movie, or I’m sorry, the series swagger, they’re 14 years old, I mean and they’re like so excited about their future as potential NBA basketball players.

Jeff: Yeah. They’re seven feet tall at 14 years old.

Doreen: No, but they’re so like, excited about it. Why is it that when we become adults, we lose that excitement? Right. I think it’s because things happen to us in our life circumstances like divorce. Yeah. That kind of like, you know, they kind of like, I beat you down a bit.

Jeff: I know one thing that we don’t teach this stuff in school.

Doreen: No, I know we don’t teach a lot of things. I mean, respectfully to the education system, which I know has all so many issues. And all kinds of problems, you know, and funding and everything else. I mean, it’s a lot. I get that and I respect that.

Jeff: But imagine preparing our kids with thoughts and feelings and goals and overcoming obstacles.

Doreen: You can do whatever you want. Yeah. You know, and you can too, our listeners, you can have the life you want after divorce. You just have to know what it is and be passionate about that. Yeah, sometimes it takes, you know, what I plan to do, one of the things I’m gonna share, I haven’t even shared this with Jeff, I’m opening another law firm, business.

And it comes from a place of passion after practicing so long of the need for people who are going through divorce to have another avenue other than just do it yourself or hire a lawyer at a high expense. So this is a combination of both and I truly believe it’s needed out there. One of the things I’m going to do, because I need to complete my thoughts on it, what I call my vivid vision, three years out.

Whether it can be done or not done is not important to me. What I wanna do is create the vision of what I see and where I see this business going for the people that need it, you know, and what my team looks like and the culture of my company. I’m gonna sit on the dock. One morning ask for you to just understand that I’m be there and I’m just gonna take in the outside water and the air and the salt, and the sun.

Jeff: And the heat.

Doreen: Well, okay, so I’ll do it earlier. I’m up early.

Jeff: That’s not a bad thing.

Doreen: And just write, just sit there and write about my vision. My vision of what this company’s gonna look like, whether it can be realistically achieved or not, is not my point of sitting there. Maybe some of what I’m gonna come up with isn’t, but that’s where I can create the passion to make it happen.

Just like these people like Musk and App, you know, the Apple computer and what’s the other one? Microsoft and all of these. And we, and we’ll go down to Benjamin Franklin with the light bulb. Right?

Jeff: Right, exactly.

Doreen: So it, it’s possible, give yourself the space to give yourself the break to be able to really be quiet with, and I think you have to do it outside of your house.

Outside of your office, outside of your normal environment, you need to go into a space. For me, it’s nature and for a lot of people, I think it might be nature as well, where you don’t have the disruptions and I’m not using a computer on purpose. I’m gonna use, because I don’t want the distractions of potentially being, you know, like, Hey, I’m gonna think about this. And then I wanna say, well, is it really something I can do? Let me check that. Let me see if there’s already competition. Like I don’t wanna use technology, I just wanna have a free thought process.

Jeff: Right. That sounds great.

Doreen: Wait, free flow, thought process.

Jeff: Wow.

Doreen: Okay.

Jeff: Very nicely done. Well, that’s it. I mean, I just wanted you to realize your dreams, your thoughts, and go for it. And have anything you want from your life.

Doreen: That’s true. You can.

Jeff: So, I recommend you do it. Doreen suggested find your little space, get out of the house, get out of the work, and kind of sit down and put your thoughts on paper. Use a pencil, use a paper.

Doreen: See what you come up with.

Jeff: See what you come up with.

Doreen: Really, really do.

Jeff: And I would love to hear from you.

Doreen: We’d love to hear it.

Jeff: Share it.

Doreen: We’d love to share some examples of what our listeners come up with. You know, remember this, life is not a dress rehearsal. Right?

Jeff: That’s right. One of your favorite sayings.

Doreen: Yeah. It’s, you know, it’s time to take the chance and go for it.

Jeff: Go for it

Doreen: Go for it. All right, my friends.

Jeff: Have an amazing week.

Doreen: Yes, have an amazing week. Stay out of the sun, stay hydrated, be kind to yourself and kind to others and we will talk to you next week.

Jeff: Bye-bye

Doreen: Bye.

Jeff: You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at That’s L A D as in life after divorce dash

Doreen: Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.

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