Ep. 115 – When to Leave

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;31;06
Unknown
Hello, listeners and friends. Today we’re going to be talking about when to leave a relationship and how to leave a relationship. So if you’re ready, let’s get started. Hey, Jeff. Hey, How are you doing? Good, good. I know we’re talking about basically what leaving a relationship. Relationship. You know, we’ve covered this before and I believe episode number 31, but it seems to be such a big topic nowadays, especially with some of our friends and acquaintances, that we thought we should talk about it again.

00;00;31;08 – 00;00;57;06
Unknown
Yeah. No, I think it’s really important. Where do you want to start? Well, you know, I think the when you think about leaving, we like to think of the concept of being happy before you leave. You don’t want to leave a situation in order to be happy because we, you know, of course, have taught in the past and believe that happiness is something that you have to create on your own.

00;00;57;07 – 00;01;34;13
Unknown
Correct. It comes from your thoughts. Right. It’s not something somebody can do for you or something that you can do to be happy. Right. Which is a hard concept for a lot of us to to grasp, because, you know, we’re taught primarily from a young age that other people, other things bring us happiness and it’s all over, you know, social media, etc., advertising that if you buy this, if you’re with this person, whatever it looks like, that that in fact, makes you happy.

00;01;34;16 – 00;02;02;11
Unknown
You know where this and be happy and eat this and be thrilled and date this person and find, you know, the prince and live happily ever after. And there really is this idea of instant gratification. Yeah, but, you know, it’s also about, you know, placing that expectation on someone else or something else to bring you happiness over for a moment is really quite a big ask.

00;02;02;14 – 00;02;30;00
Unknown
It puts a lot of pressure on the relationship or the thing. And why is this important when you’re dealing with divorce? It’s because maybe some of our listeners out there have not made a decision yet as to whether they want to go down that path. So this may help them or maybe they have some relationships left over from after they they their divorce, you know, friendships.

00;02;30;04 – 00;02;55;28
Unknown
This isn’t just love relationships. This has to do with any type of relationship. It could be either dating after divorce or it could be that you’re looking to date someone else, or maybe you’re involved in a relationship. This came to our thought process because someone that we know he had mentioned that he had been dating somebody for a while and he was ready to take it to the next level.

00;02;56;00 – 00;03;29;14
Unknown
And the person on the other side, clearly based only on the facts, you know, looking at the facts of the circumstance there, the facts wasn’t making the move. They both live in different cities. They both live in different states. And there’s some other compromising facts about the relationship that would lead one to believe that at least he, his girlfriend, isn’t interested in pursuing the next step of the relationship.

00;03;29;14 – 00;03;49;25
Unknown
And this has been a relationship going on for some time. So, you know. So what do you do? What do you do when you’re stuck in a relationship in which you are not getting out of it? What you truly believe you want? Right. So the first thing is awareness, as always. Yes. Is what do you really want out of your relationships?

00;03;50;01 – 00;04;11;01
Unknown
What are you looking for? Because if if someone is unable to get to the next level in a relationship, in your mind, they’re not willing to commit on that next level. Where do you go with it? What do you do with it? So I let me correct something I said. I said the words stuck in the relationship. You’re never stuck in a relationship.

00;04;11;04 – 00;04;46;02
Unknown
You have the freedom to leave the relationship. And so the decision is, can you stay and be happy in the relationship or are the circumstances about the relationship such that you’re better off leaving the relationship? I think one of the indications of that might be or may be the way you show up in the relationship. Are you showing up in the relationship as your best authentic self?

00;04;46;04 – 00;05;10;05
Unknown
You know, when it gets to the point where you’re not showing up as a kind, loving person, you’re not showing up as who you want to be in a relationship or as an individual, then it’s time to really question where you want to go with it. You know, then if I can for a moment digress. You had mentioned we had mentioned in the digress.

00;05;10;05 – 00;05;28;11
Unknown
Yeah, yeah. You had mentioned in the past that we grow up with this instant gratification mindset. Another thing that we’re kind of instilled as well. What do you mean by that? You know that we if I get this, I’m going to be happy. If I find this. It really does. If he does that, I’ll be happy to be sure.

00;05;28;14 – 00;05;53;23
Unknown
Also, something that we’re embedded in over the years is the fact that if a relationship ends, that it wasn’t a success. Yeah, we talk I’ve talked about that failure. I’ve talked about that in a few of the episodes because I would consider my marriage to Sam, my first marriage to be a success. It didn’t last. Obviously, you and I been together.

00;05;53;23 – 00;06;30;22
Unknown
It’ll be coming on 14 years, so. But. But Sam and I, you know, had some amazing times together and have three beautiful, beautiful, amazing daughters together. I consider that a success, you know, And because we had that success mindset and looking back at our our marriage as the things that were good about it, not necessarily just the bad things, the bad points, I think we were able to to maintain a level of friendship and kindness and care for each other that that helped us be and show up better as co-parents, but also tremendously helped our children.

00;06;30;24 – 00;06;56;06
Unknown
Yeah, right. And I think that a lot of what you’re going to hear in this podcast when we were doing it together reminded me of you and Sam. Yeah, I’m sure. I’m sure it’s very important, you know? So, you know, it’s not a failure. It’s it’s, it’s it could be a success in many, many ways. Right? Even even short relationships, you know, when you’re dealing after divorce and when you’re ready to start dating.

00;06;56;06 – 00;07;16;25
Unknown
Right. And yet I was telling this person, I was telling him that he was like, oh, you know, I’m in my you know, I’m in my fifties. And I go, the thought of going out there and getting on dating apps and, you know, finding this person because he definitely wants to be in that type of a committed relationship.

00;07;16;25 – 00;07;42;07
Unknown
He’s ready for that. Right? So, you know, it’s such a the dating world. It’s like, oh, you know, horror stories. And I thought, well, you know, that’s true. Like in anything that you want in life, you’re going to go through failures. And that includes finding the right person, right. That you can move forward in your life with. You’re going to kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince or your princess.

00;07;42;07 – 00;08;11;17
Unknown
Right. And and each time you go out on a date that is maybe not so pleasant on whatever level or maybe you just don’t have a connection, is you learn something. You learn possibly what you don’t want. You learn more clearly what you do want. Maybe even that person knows somebody who knows somebody kind of thing. Or maybe you connect on a different level is business, you know, collaborator, or you’re one step closer to finding the right person.

00;08;11;17 – 00;08;46;17
Unknown
That’s what I just said. Yeah. So it’s, it’s, it’s in a sense, failing forward. Yeah, it’s failing forward. So, you know, there’s no way around it, you know, either if you’re in a relationship that is in your mind not going or where it needs to be, the question is what do you do about it? You know, first understanding it and then maybe having that heart to heart with the person in in his case, I suggested maybe looking at the possibility of a of a boundary, you know, and I talk about boundaries in other episodes.

00;08;46;17 – 00;09;12;08
Unknown
It’s a series one and two boundaries we have with ourselves and exterior boundaries. This would be an exterior boundary with someone else, right? That kind of setting, if you know, this is what I’m looking for and you know, I care about you and I love you and doing it in a kind way. However, you know, I want to get to the next level and I understand, you know, this is what it will take for me.

00;09;12;10 – 00;09;39;03
Unknown
And are you able to be there by this day? You know, time dated because if not, the relationship just continues on and builds more possible, you know, issues and happiness. Right. Well, that’s the key right there. I think it’s so important that you find your own happiness before you ever think about leaving. Absolutely. You might ask yourself, of course.

00;09;39;03 – 00;10;18;03
Unknown
Well, if I’m happy, why would I leave? Correct. You know, if everything’s great, why would you leave something? And and the answer is because you want to. Because you want to. Because even though you’re happy, you you look at the situation, whatever it is, not just with relationships. It could be a job. As an example, you may be happy in the job like you may find happiness because we always suggest you leave, leave a job, or like you said in any circumstance, being finding happiness because you want something bigger and better, because that because where you are today, you can’t find that and you can leave understanding that in a good and happy place and

00;10;18;03 – 00;10;41;09
Unknown
then move on to the next. Now, here is one more thing and then I’m going to leave it up and let you talk. Yeah, okay. Great job. I’m getting my words in here and there. Well, you know, doing being a divorce lawyer, I mean, I just deal with this all the time. I see people come to me and obviously they’re at the end of a relationship or they’re considering the end of a relationship if they come to see me as a lawyer.

00;10;41;09 – 00;11;17;17
Unknown
Right. So why is it this is a question to our listeners and to you, why is it that in relationships in particular, people find a reason to leave by finding something that is happened or pushing something that will happen, like a fight or an infidelity so that there is a reason to leave. You know, it’s like you hold on to that negative thing as your way of permitting yourself the permission to leave.

00;11;17;17 – 00;11;42;18
Unknown
Well, I know one thing, that when you do something like that, you’re giving away your power. You know, when you have the power to control a situation that I’m leaving because I’m happy, I’m ready to go. It’s not because of anything they did right, or any situation or circumstance or circumstance that’s going on in the relationship, then you lose your power, right?

00;11;42;20 – 00;12;03;03
Unknown
So by having your decision to do it when you want on your terms, you regain your power. Absolutely. You know, a lot of people, when they come to see me for a divorce, they’ll tell me the because one of the things I do ask and I think we’re required to ask his lawyers, at least here in Florida, is, you know, is the marriage irreconcilably broken?

00;12;03;03 – 00;12;33;22
Unknown
Which means is there any way of saving the marriage? And usually people will point to one particular circumstance, Oh, he cheated on me. Oh, she was she continuously has issues with money and I can’t you know, her spending I just can’t control. Like, there’s some one thing that they tend to focus in on maybe a few things, but it’s usually a compounded issue that the one thing is, as I say, what the the straw the straw that broke the camel’s back.

00;12;33;23 – 00;12;54;19
Unknown
Right. There’s lots of straws on that one. Extra straws. What broke the back. Right. But broke the relationship and that’s what people focus on. So anyhow, let’s get into more of the substance today. There you go. Yeah, well, I think the one thing that can determine whether to leave or not is if you’re trying to do it in a rush, right.

00;12;54;23 – 00;13;22;26
Unknown
To do it in a hurry. And I think the best thing that you can do is to not only slow down, but take a deep breath. Right? Really just think about the reasons why you want to leave. And if there if it’s because of the circumstance, then it’s not a good time to leave. You have to do some work on yourself first, turn mental, your mental thoughts, and you should leave in a state of happiness.

00;13;22;28 – 00;14;07;13
Unknown
Yeah, it’s hard to grasp that concept, but I think in any major decision that you’re making in life in general, if you’re doing it in a rush, you’re trying to get to that decision quickly. Now, I’m not talking about going and buying a dress because you have an event, right? I’m trying not. I’m talking about things like like leaving a job, leaving a relationship, you know, whatever it is, that’s a major decision in your life that’s going to really, you know, be something you’re going to be with for a while and it’s going to change the road you’re traveling on in a significant way that if you’re rushing, that’s an indication to slow down.

00;14;07;15 – 00;14;30;07
Unknown
Right. Really think about the reasons why and and know what you’re looking for. First, what do you want? One of the things I, I also tell my my again mostly you know as a lawyer is I’m to remember that the grass is not greener on the other side. Right. So if you’re I, I like to use this one because it just comes to mind.

00;14;30;07 – 00;14;55;17
Unknown
But, you know, if you are looking if you have somebody in your life that maybe he’s not romantic, he’s not caring and he’s not you know, he doesn’t do those kind of things. He’s not as what I call a Casanova, you know, for lack of a better word. Well, you may find that with somebody else, but maybe he’s a Casanova with everybody.

00;14;55;19 – 00;15;12;13
Unknown
You know what I’m saying? Like, the grass is not greener, you know? Taught me that my mom, she used to always tell me, you know, be careful what you wish for, that kind of thing. You might get it. You just might get it. And do you really want it? Yeah, You know. And at what level do you want it and how much does it affect your your overall relationship.

00;15;12;15 – 00;15;40;13
Unknown
Right. Because there is no perfect there is no perfect relationship. And there can’t be because we’re individuals in you know, in a relationship, two individuals with different needs, different thoughts, different goals. And those change over time as the relationship is going through the years. Right. Certainly you and I have a different relationship today and what we want from each other than what we wanted from each other when we first met and we had young children at home.

00;15;40;14 – 00;16;02;23
Unknown
Yes, I was thinking about that. You know, the kids were what they were like 13, seven and 12. Yeah. And so what I was looking for in a new person in my life was someone who was also, I use the word child friendly, children friendly, who loved it, children who wanted to. Today what I want from our relationship, what I seek in our relationship is and about the children.

00;16;02;23 – 00;16;35;04
Unknown
I mean, that’s still a very important factor of of the relationship. As we just got interrupted in this podcast episode from our youngest daughter, Samantha. But, you know, we took it and we continue on, you know, But but our needs are different. Our needs have have gotten to a different thought, you know? Right, Right. Okay. You know, when you when you do leave something slowly and with love and with caring and of course, with communication, you can talk, you know, talk things, things through.

00;16;35;06 – 00;16;58;26
Unknown
You also honor the person or the people that are in your life. Right. You know, there there were great times. There had been good times. The commitments that you have made to them, that opens up a dialog to her. And you don’t have to destroy something when you leave it, right? You know, that’s what I was saying is that sometimes people will act in a way that pushes the other way of the other person away.

00;16;59;01 – 00;17;27;17
Unknown
Yeah, intentionally and well, I should say. No, let me correct that unintentionally or meaning the the intention is to be not a great person, you know, to to, to cause issues, whatever that looks like, whether it’s cheating or fighting or whatever, going out late or whatever it is. But are you doing why are you doing those things? And I just want to suggest to put emphasize that it might be because you’re looking for that excuse.

00;17;27;17 – 00;17;51;24
Unknown
Well, yeah, you’re you’re justifying the leaving of the relationship. Right. I think it’s also important to offer to all of you that you don’t have to justify your decision to anyone. Right. Anyone really, but yourself. It’s really important when you’re making decisions that affect other people and change your life, that you’re able to have a sense of calm and peace and love around those decisions.

00;17;51;26 – 00;18;12;03
Unknown
And if you aren’t, my suggestion is you have to work on yourself first. If you’re not able to go to that loving and kind place, that’s work you should do, That’s part of finding that contentment and happiness that Jeff was talking about. Yeah, and again, take that deep breath and slow down. The only thing you’re in a hurry about is to get out.

00;18;12;03 – 00;18;41;06
Unknown
Mostly to get away from the pain. Yeah. And if you don’t need to change any kind of circum stance in order to get out of the pain, you just have to change the way you’re thinking about it. Right. Um, in terms of a relationship, if you start feeling a sense of dissatisfaction or you start feeling incompatibility or something isn’t working, you just, or you’re just feeling unhappy in the relationship, it’s very normal to have that inclination of, I just want to get out of this.

00;18;41;10 – 00;19;08;21
Unknown
Exactly. You want to escape. You want to get rid of that thing that is quote unquote, source of your unhappiness. Right. I want to also suggest that when you’re when you’re going when you’re doing that right. And, you know, one of the best indicators is there’s no need to rush. We talked about the rushing and that you can have an open dialog with the person and, you know, the dialog is uncomfortable for sure.

00;19;08;24 – 00;19;37;08
Unknown
But you feel good about it, right, Because you don’t have fear, shame around it because you’re processing through it. You’re taking it like one step at a time. Yeah, I think this was the part of the podcast where I kind of thought of you and Sam because you probably, probably both of you had conversations that were mature and future thought minded about the kids and about how you’re going to parent the kids.

00;19;37;11 – 00;19;58;04
Unknown
So I thought of that part because you definitely want to have that open line of communication to be successful in your and your split up. Yeah, I mean, look, a lot of a lot of what happened years ago in my in my first marriage and the breakdown of the first marriage, I wasn’t I didn’t have the insight of coaching as I do today.

00;19;58;06 – 00;20;24;24
Unknown
I wish I did because I know I made a lot of mistakes. I certainly pushed the buttons. I certainly did things to get a rise and maybe an excuse to leave. What do we call that? Poking the bear? Yeah, the bear. But, you know, we were still able to sell. Which the really I think that’s why a lot of people after divorce, they just don’t have a relationship with the co-parent.

00;20;24;27 – 00;20;59;27
Unknown
Right. Or they have a very surface relationship only as needed because they never were able to leave in a loving kind way. We worked backwards, we worked backwards. We went through the pain and the not so nice part of it. But then because we was normal, which is normal, but, you know, what we’re suggesting here is it doesn’t have to be the way catch it before it happens, especially if you’re considering divorce, because the emotions is what fuels, you know, the litigation and really divorce in and of itself.

00;20;59;27 – 00;21;18;06
Unknown
I just want to throw this out this there because I have another client I’m dealing with him on this is that there’s a lot of emotion going on in there break down. That’s what fuels the litigation because it’s the divorce itself. When you break down the issues and I always say there’s like five issues. And at least in Florida, they’re not complicated.

00;21;18;08 – 00;21;47;09
Unknown
It’s it’s business. It’s a business of the doors. How are we going to split the assets? What is the support going to look like? What is the time sharing going to look like, these types of things? This is the business of divorce. It’s emotions that keep people from settling. And what happens with that is you build more distance to with your co-parent you from each other, you, you, you it’s a lot more expensive because now because you and your soon to be ex can’t settle your issues.

00;21;47;11 – 00;22;12;26
Unknown
You’re getting the lawyers involved, right? And you’re going into a courtroom to resolve your issues. And quite frankly, if two people can just sit down and talk, they can they can resolve their issues. And most people do. Only 5% of the cases in Florida go to trial. So for divorce. So that tells you that along the way they get over it and they come together probably because they realize this is costing me a lot of money.

00;22;12;27 – 00;22;37;16
Unknown
You know, why am I doing this when it’s not that complicated? And the thought there also is if you’re having a hard time doing that with love, you know, you want to question yourself why, right. But even if there’s abuse involved, you can always come from loving yourself, you know? Well, if you have a love for yourself. Yeah, but if there’s a situation of physical abuse especially.

00;22;37;16 – 00;22;59;00
Unknown
But emotional abuse, too, that’s a situation where you need to get out soon. You know, that’s a situation where you need to protect your physical safety and that includes your mental safety as well. Right? So abuse is one of those circumstances. But most of us, most of us, thank goodness for this, aren’t dealing with abuse on that level.

00;22;59;00 – 00;23;24;13
Unknown
You know, we may consider some of the emotional ongoings abusive and they can certainly 100% rise to that level because emotional abuse can be just as challenging as physical abuse. If you have those issues, go seek help, please, listeners immediately, because your safety is the key to, you know, is the most important thing or your children’s safety. Either one of those we have to do is when there’s not abuse involved.

00;23;24;15 – 00;38;48;08
Unknown
Yeah, you can you can love the situation. You can love what it’s done for you, meaning the marriage, right? You can love what it’s done for you. You can love the history of it too, and you can still love the person and maybe in a different way. Absolutely. But there can be love all.