Ep. 118 – The Manual and Divorce

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;30;18
Unknown
Hello, everybody, and hope you’re having a great day. Today, we’re going to be talking about the manual and how it relates to your relationships. So if you’re ready, let’s get started. Hey, Jeff. Hey, Daryn. How are you? Well, I’m good. We’re going to talk about the manual. We’ve done that before. We’ve talked about the manual in episode number three, which I think is entitled or entitled to take your power back.

00;00;30;20 – 00;00;58;04
Unknown
And also in episode number 86 was which was about co-parenting and manual. So the reason that we’re talking about this today is because we have in our one on one coaching program right now, the way it works is that you get six videos, six worksheets and you get six one on one sessions where you get to dive in deep with your coach over like different subjects.

00;00;58;04 – 00;01;17;06
Unknown
So like every week you get a different subject and one of the subjects happens to be the manual. Yes. But I want to do a little plug for for the program as well, because it’s amazing, because you get the best of everything. You get the worksheets, you get the videos, series of six videos, and then you get the one on one coaching.

00;01;17;06 – 00;01;49;11
Unknown
So it’s it’s a great value. Come and check it out. And you can do so by just going to our website and the website is WW dot L a D dash coaching. Dot com. Yeah. So the reason you know like I said, every week when we do our podcast, usually something inspires us and we were thinking and looking at our videos for our series and the manual is video number two and it’s pretty involved.

00;01;49;11 – 00;02;08;05
Unknown
So Jeff, if you want to, why don’t you just tell the public what the manual is, what we mean by not the manual pursuit? And let’s talk about the manual pursuant to the Googles first and then I think we all know what a manual is, You know, yeah, we had to look it up in the Googles and it’s an instructional guide.

00;02;08;05 – 00;02;31;23
Unknown
If you say you buy a new car that comes with a manual on how to drive it and how to fix it. But this is a different type of manual that we’re talking about when we use it in coaching, when we use it in coaching, where we’re if you’re referring it as instructions that we have for others on how they should behave or what they should do to make us happy, right?

00;02;31;26 – 00;03;04;24
Unknown
So in other words, some examples of the manual might be, well, we’re going to focus today. Let me go back we’re going to focus today on new relationships and understanding the manual as you enter into and explore new relationships. So being aware of these so that maybe you have better relationships in the future because having manuals for people is destructive generally to relationships.

00;03;04;25 – 00;03;37;00
Unknown
It it goes something like this. I expect my husband to, you know, know when I’m tired, thank me for dinner, know what restaurant I want to go to, respond quickly to my text messages, take out the trash. You know all these things, right? No one, I’m upset and be able to to, you know, talk to me or communicate all these things that we think that how another person should act or behave.

00;03;37;02 – 00;04;16;25
Unknown
And it’s basically derived from or it’s created by us as individuals from our experiences, from our background. No. One, you don’t you’re not born with manuals for other people. You’re born, you know, as a baby with this non manual judgment type of thought as people are in your life. So you don’t expect things of people, you love them, you like being around them, or maybe, you know, you have certain emotions, but you’re not expecting that they’re going to act in a way to make you happy.

00;04;16;27 – 00;04;45;20
Unknown
And it’s a it’s a challenging concept coaching wise for many people, meaning our clients to grasp. Yeah, because it is we’re not saying it’s it’s not okay to ask other people to do something for you or you want to maybe you prefer somebody to behave a certain way. The issue is when you tie your emotional happiness to what they do or don’t or don’t do, right.

00;04;45;20 – 00;05;07;22
Unknown
So if Jeff, let’s say I have a manual that he’s I’m going to take something simple. He I want he takes out the trash. Right. Like that’s I’m thinking you know that’s something that when I grew up I, as you know, didn’t take out the trash. And so I kind of expect that he’s going to be the person to pull the trash out, take it over to the curb and handle that.

00;05;07;22 – 00;05;32;16
Unknown
Right. That’s a manual. That’s something I expect from him that if he doesn’t do it and now the trash is filled up to the top and I’m having to put more trash in. And I’m thinking to myself, well, he’s been putting trash in here. He he usually takes the trash out. Why is the trash, like, almost overflowing? It smells.

00;05;32;16 – 00;05;57;12
Unknown
It’s dirty. Why is he not taking this out? Right. Like, that might be a manual. Now, I can ask him. Jeff, would you mind taking out the trash? Which I do. And I usually say that request in a kind way. Correct. And then here’s the issue. If he does it, he does it. And that’s great. But what happens when he doesn’t do it?

00;05;57;14 – 00;06;18;29
Unknown
When I ask him to do it, or even if I don’t ask him to do it, but I expect him to do it and he didn’t do it, do I get upset? Do I get angry? Do I get my feelings hurt? Do I think, Well, I’m sitting here next to the trash cooking your dinner, so the least you can do is take out the trash as you sit there on the couch.

00;06;18;29 – 00;06;45;00
Unknown
Like I’m just giving you an example. And and it’s really hard for for me at times to control my thoughts that go to the latter part, which is get up and freakin take the trash out. And I might get upset. Right. But it doesn’t help our relationship. And here’s why. Because people are going to do what they’re going to do.

00;06;45;02 – 00;07;11;11
Unknown
They’re going to act in the way that they want to act. Whether they’re right or they’re wrong. Right is irrelevant because we cannot control another person. So I have a choice. I can ask him kindly, hopefully kindly, to take out the trash or I can take the trash out myself. I don’t expect you to ever take out the trash yourself because I feel like that’s my job.

00;07;11;12 – 00;07;31;27
Unknown
Okay, But that’s not a manual. Okay, well, I can give it a little bit of example to add that on to that if. Okay. Yeah, of course. If I take out when I take out the trash, if I don’t put the bag in right away and want to put the bag in when I come back some times that’s a manual of yours as well.

00;07;31;28 – 00;07;50;01
Unknown
You mean like in our bedroom right now where there is no trash bag in? So the trash from my yogurt that I just had is sitting on top of the counter. Exactly. Like. Exactly like I just had something to eat. We have a trash can in the bedroom. We have a little countertop and like a kitchenette there. Right.

00;07;50;03 – 00;08;12;20
Unknown
And I went to put the yogurt, you know, after I finished it inside the trash, which he took the trash out. I didn’t ask him to. And now there’s no trash bag there. So, yeah, I wasn’t thrilled about it. It still sits there on the counter. I’m hoping. Hint, hint. He gets the hint, but that’s just a minor issue.

00;08;12;24 – 00;08;37;26
Unknown
Meaning the trash is just an example. minor issues add up over time. They do, you know, choose your battles. They they say and I do I do believe that some things are justified and some things may be unexpected. Because remember, the thing about manuals that’s so important to realize is that you may have a manual for somebody and the other person may not even realize you have.

00;08;37;28 – 00;08;59;17
Unknown
They don’t know it. Like the trash thing is kind of a no no is yes. Well, no in our in our relationship. Right. Because again, there’s nothing wrong with telling people what you want or what you don’t like or the boundaries that you have. We’re going to talk about boundaries in a few episodes from now because that’s another part of of the the video series.

00;08;59;17 – 00;09;25;27
Unknown
So we’re kind of, you know, fresh. These things are fresh in our mind, but there’s nothing wrong with asserting a boundary with someone. The question is when or the issue is when you get caught up in all the emotional drama, when they don’t perform, when they don’t do what you ask of them, right? So in our family, it’s kind of known that he takes out the trash.

00;09;25;27 – 00;09;45;20
Unknown
And so when he doesn’t and it’s filled, it’s not a big deal for me to say, Would you mind taking out the trash? I probably should say, And would you mind when you come in putting the trash bag back in? But I usually don’t say that. I usually just handle that myself or eventually forget. Now, I don’t know.

00;09;45;20 – 00;10;09;25
Unknown
I always forget, but sometimes I get off on other tangents and forget right? But we don’t need to be told what to do. But we often. But see, this is where the problem lies, is that some people would take that you’re not putting the trash bag back in as being disrespectful, unkind, unloving, because I’m now looking for somewhere to put my yogurt container.

00;10;09;27 – 00;10;32;25
Unknown
Yeah. And for me it’s like, I can’t believe I forgot. Right? I take the I take responsibility. It’s all about taking responsibility for your own actions or your responsibility of not getting upset. So why are we talking about this today? Well, obviously, because it’s fresh in our mind. Obviously, because it’s very important, but mostly because we want to focus in, as you move into new relationships after divorce.

00;10;32;28 – 00;11;02;03
Unknown
And this doesn’t just apply to love relationships or partnership relationships. This applies with friends, this applies with family, this applies with coworkers. So just being aware of when your brain, when you expect somebody to do something and when they don’t do it, how do you react? What do you do? Are you getting called caught up in that? Well, they should know what to do.

00;11;02;09 – 00;11;24;20
Unknown
Yeah. Remember? Remember, you may assume that what you’re asking them to do is reasonable, but what for? What? You. One second. I’m sorry. Or what? You didn’t even ask them to do. But you assume that they know to do right is even worse. Which is worse, of course. But remember, you had said that a lot of our manuals come from our upbringing, correct?

00;11;24;20 – 00;11;56;22
Unknown
Well, they, of course, had a different upbringing. So what you think is reasonable may not seem reasonable to the other person. Well, and you know, I’m a person that generally I’ll give you another example where manuals get a little expectations, get a little clouded. no. Another example. Yeah. Because I am a person that does things immediately. For example, when I’m when I’m taking something out to prepare dinner, I’m going to be the person that puts it away when I finish using something.

00;11;56;24 – 00;12;24;09
Unknown
And then I wipe down the place. And then when I take something out and I use it, I make sure that I put it back. I’m that type of person. I don’t leave my clothes out. I’m not a person leaves my shoes out, You know, some people are just not that way. You are okay. I wouldn’t say you’re as I’m going to use the word OCD, but I don’t know if it’s OCD, but I’m much more like, okay, everything has its place.

00;12;24;09 – 00;12;43;23
Unknown
It’s how I operate. Okay? It’s it’s for a lot of reasons, right? And I like to have a very clean, organized place to be able to think clear. That’s who I am. And when I don’t, it’s a problem for me, I don’t think is clear. You are not messy at all, but you do leave things out from time to time.

00;12;43;23 – 00;13;03;28
Unknown
We have a little joke where Jeff definitely like his slippers next to the bed, but then he’ll leave like his, you know, his shirt, or he’ll leave like, glass. So what I do now is I don’t say anything. I just pick it up and I put it in his bag. We have separate bathrooms. I put it in his bathroom.

00;13;04;01 – 00;13;33;01
Unknown
He claims to the world that I put it in the sink. In the sink. But I sometimes, if felt like the shirt might fall in the same. Okay, Yeah, Yeah. But I just move it over there because why deal with it? Well, here’s the point. Is it okay that differences can be good and they are good? It’s when you allow yourself to get yourself upset over it, and it’s easy to do.

00;13;33;01 – 00;13;58;26
Unknown
That’s what I’m trying to say. So many. I think there’s so many of us out there that are so hung up on what we expect from others. Yeah. And or to put your beliefs upon others, right. So expectations, wherever they come from on others and what they should do and how they should behave. And I’m talking we’re talking now in relationships.

00;13;58;26 – 00;14;26;12
Unknown
Right? Right. We’re not talking. We’re talking in relationships. And the bottom line is that we’re all adults and we get to take care of our own life and be responsible for our own happiness. So if you’re with someone, it could be a love relationship, it could be a friendship, and you are not happy with the person and how they generally conduct their life and what they do for you or don’t do for you.

00;14;26;14 – 00;14;47;04
Unknown
You have a choice. And the choice is you can stay or you can leave, right? It’s change or do I mean I mean, you can. I mean, if something is bothering you that somebody else is doing, you can stay like the fact that that bothers you and you can say, I need to start thinking about my responsibility for my emotions, my feelings.

00;14;47;04 – 00;27;28;07
Unknown
First of all, people don’t need to do anything. But they could consider that if they if they want to look at look, there is no perfect other person for anyone. Right? Right. There’s no perfect. There’s no two people that come together either, either as family members, friend.