Ep. 125 – Saying Goodbye

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Hello everybody out there and welcome to episode 125. Today, we’re going to be talking about saying goodbye and how important it is to the healing process. So if you’re ready, let’s get started.

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Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire as partners, both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise.

00:00:41 Speaker 2
As well as our own.

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Personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

00:00:54 Speaker 1
Hello, Doreen. Hey, Jeff. How are you today?

00:00:57 Speaker 2
Good. I know we’re going to talk about.

00:00:58 Speaker 2
Saying goodbye today.

00:01:00 Speaker 2
And what that really means anyhow, how are?

00:01:04 Speaker 1
You. I’m doing good. What’s going on? Anything new?

00:01:07 Speaker 2
No, I mean, everything is status quo, which I guess is a good thing. Yeah. Yeah.

00:01:11 Speaker 1
Yeah, well, getting ready for the holidays coming up.

00:01:15 Speaker 1
And it’s beautiful outside. We live in paradise.

00:01:19 Speaker 3
Yes, we do.

00:01:20 Speaker 1
So we’re it’s putting a smile on my face and yours.

00:01:23 Speaker 1
Too. So tell me about this saying goodbye stuff.

00:01:28 Speaker 2
You know, I was inspired by this topic because a very good friend of mine called me in tears.

00:01:37 Speaker 2
She’s thinking about leaving her boyfriend, and they’ve been together for quite some time, but she’s not working out in the sense of she’s unsure if this is her person for.

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Life and where the relationship is going and she’s really questioning it. So you know, we started researching and thinking about this and saying goodbye is something that I think as coaches we we look at differently than maybe just the general.

00:02:09 Speaker 2
Understanding of it right.

00:02:10 Speaker 1
Right. You know, saying goodbye is.

00:02:12 Speaker 1
Easy and I think I don’t think we do it enough. And what I mean by that is it is beneficial to your future life after divorce to say goodbye to things in your life that no longer serve you, that are outdated or that you don’t truly want or need.

00:02:32 Speaker 2
Yeah, because we’re not just talking about saying goodbye to people in your life. Obviously, if you’re listening to our podcast, you’re saying goodbye or you said goodbye on some level.

00:02:44 Speaker 2
To your spouse, but with regard to today’s episode, it’s really saying goodbye to the things in your life that includes material things that includes people can include other things, work such, you know, things like this so that you can.

00:03:03 Speaker 2
Say and or I should say close one door to give you space to open another door, right?

00:03:09 Speaker 1
And I think it’s not just about saying goodbye, but we wouldn’t not talk about the the benefits to you.

00:03:16 Speaker 1
When you do say.

00:03:17 Speaker 2
Goodbye. Yeah. And it’s also bad habits as well, you know. So it really encompasses so many different parts of closing. One part of your your life and opening up space for, like I said, new parts. So when you have no clutter, right, or extra things going on.

00:03:36 Speaker 2
Life just looks so clean and clear on so many levels, and one of the things that we say is that the things in our life.

00:03:44 Speaker 2
If should really be things that we love and things that we use so that the result of this is a feeling of productivity and empowerment, I like to correlate this with your house and clutter. And and there’s lots of studies about this, but.

00:04:05 Speaker 2
Just take like your closet, for example. You know, when you go in there and you’re trying to figure out what to wear and it’s it’s tight, meaning you can’t really see things. There’s no real rhyme or reason to it, and maybe you’re.

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In a rush?

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To get dressed or to figure that out. And so you just kind of grab the thing that you know.

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Like and you wear right. And So what happens in this mindset can be used in any part of your life is when you’re able to remove the clutter and really organize your space, your closet.

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So that you can see the.

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Things that you truly love.

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And where it’s much easier to go in and just pick it out, right? Right. And again, I’m using the example of clothes in the closet, things you have in your closet. But this goes to various aspects.

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In your life.

00:05:01 Speaker 2
Right. So The thing is, when you’re healing from divorce, there’s a lot going on and there’s a lot of new things that you have to contend with, right? You’re rebuilding and.

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And when you’re able to have space around you to do that in a more focused and deliberate way, it will likely result in a better goal and plan, right? So that’s why we’re talking about this, saying goodbye.

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The things that you no longer want.

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On all levels.

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How do you do that?

00:05:41 Speaker 1
Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, there’s a there’s a few things you can do, but I know one thing is you can ask yourself a few different questions. Something like, would you buy this again?

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You know.

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Today, if you had the choice to buy it.

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Or not, would you?

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And and and if you wouldn’t put it.

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Over in the pile, right?

00:05:58 Speaker 1
Put it in the pile. Yeah, and you can even do that with friendships, you know, would you start a friendship with this person today? Would you buy this car again today?

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Would you be involved in this relationship? For my friend? I asked her this question.

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If you met him today.

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Would you go out on a date with him?

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And knew what you knew.

00:06:22 Speaker 2
Right, right. Right. Of course. Right. So really important, especially after divorce when you need that space, you need to give yourself that space to do that inventory in your life.

00:06:33 Speaker 1
Well, I mean if you think.

00:06:35 Speaker 1
About it a they say a cluttered desk is a cluttered mind. I mean, when you get rid of things that you don’t need, it kind of takes that weight off of your shoulders. It kind of kind of makes you feel free. You.

00:06:47 Speaker 2
Know and maybe we need to have a discussion of this off record.

00:06:52 Speaker 1
You’re insinuating.

00:06:53 Speaker 2
Yeah. Have you seen the garage lately?

00:06:56 Speaker 1
OK.

00:06:58 Speaker 2
Just saying, I just do one of those blinder things when I when I pull in, I just.

00:07:02 Speaker 3
Kind of like go through the garage. I yeah.

00:07:06 Speaker 1
We’re reviewing the episode I I knew you were going to bring that up.

00:07:11 Speaker 2
You know? But seriously, so just. And believe me, I, you know, I try to keep my cabinets and my life as unclear as possible, but I’m I I’m guilty as well. Right? Because sometimes it’s just easier not to spend the time and effort to do that inventory and to really declutter.

00:07:28 Speaker 2
But it’s so worth it even. And don’t expect to do it all in one stop, you know, 11 sitting. But you know, why do we hold on to things? Well, we often hold on to things just because we had a relationship with it. We had a relationship in the past.

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And we are unsure if we want to continue the relationship with it or not, right. And we get into this mindset well, maybe I should stay because I have time invested or maybe I should keep this thing because I might use it in the future. There could come this time.

00:08:05 Speaker 2
Or maybe I want to keep this this thing because it reminds me of someone even who passed right. But what we’re trying to emphasize is, is what does it really mean, right, and how valuable is it? So doing, I think that.

00:08:22 Speaker 2
That exercise of that inventory is really probably the 1st place to start, right?

00:08:28 Speaker 1
Yeah, you end up kind of dragging things along with you just because you either may use them in the future, you you may want to see them again or and then end up being like this weight on your shoulder that you’re dragging around with you, you know, and saying goodbye to these things, to items in your home or relationships is something that’s going to set you free.

00:08:49 Speaker 3
And you know.

00:08:51 Speaker 2
There is a place for just letting it go, saying goodbye to whatever it is, because it served a purpose in your life for a period of time. It’s done. It’s complete, right? And that can be a relationship.

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That’s why I’m.

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I’m very much of the thought that.

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Marriage and divorce. The divorce doesn’t mean it was a failure. The marriage itself may have been complete. It served its purpose. For whatever reason, it has moved on. Does it have to be seen as a failure? No, I think many times it can be seen as a complete part of that part of your life.

00:09:35 Speaker 2
That has some very beautiful aspects to it could be children, it could be the memories you shared as a couple. It could be a lot of different parts, and if you can look at it as, it may just be complete and you can move on. I think there’s peace in.

00:09:49 Speaker 2
That the same.

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Items, material things. We you had a car that we just.

00:09:56 Speaker 3
Traded what we traded in. It was a Cadillac and I think it had like 100.

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And something 1000.

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Miles on it. And I remember saying this car has truly served its service. We got every single dollar use enjoyment.

00:10:06 Speaker 1
Served its purpose. I remember that.

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Out of it.

00:10:13 Speaker 2
And it came to a point where it was becoming more of an issue. Things were going wrong with it, but it was now beneficial to us and we, even though it was kind of sad because we spent so many years, many years with this car, it was time to trade it in and get something new and fresh that better served our purpose.

00:10:33 Speaker 2
And our lifestyle.

00:10:34 Speaker 1
It really wasn’t that sad. It was. It was kind of refreshing to have that, that newness in our lives, you know, because.

00:10:37 Speaker 4
Little sad.

00:10:43 Speaker 1
You think about it. Almost every goodbye allows for a hello, right? And if you if you want to have a new version of your life, you’re going to have to learn how to say goodbye and feel comfortable with it.

00:10:55 Speaker 2
Yeah, you can’t live in the past while creating the future, right? Right. You can’t be the person that used to be afraid of doing anything. The person who’s courageous, doing everything all at the same time, right? Something’s.

00:11:08 Speaker 2
How to give?

00:11:09 Speaker 2
You have to be willing to get to let go of parts of you, basically your own identity as well, right? Like that’s my old me, that marriage and who we were as a couple. That’s that I’m going to say goodbye to. And I’m now going to create this new version of myself. This different person. I don’t have to be stuck in that version. That identity.

00:11:29 Speaker 2
Any further your identity as a A to a dual house?

00:11:34 Speaker 2
Family that has changed, right? And so now you’re a single parent and that can be single parent in your household. Hopefully you’re Co parenting on a good level, but that is a new identity for you. Some you know, some people believe that the only reason to say goodbye to something is if it’s.

00:11:54 Speaker 2
You know broken, correct and and I.

00:11:55 Speaker 1
You’re gone wrong.

00:11:57 Speaker 2
You know, like I was trying to.

00:12:00 Speaker 2
Discussion with my friend is that there doesn’t have to be something terribly wrong with the relationship for her to say goodbye, and it’s interesting that in some relationships people have to find to justify.

00:12:19 Speaker 2
Or even create an issue in their in their relationship to justify the goodbye, right?

00:12:26 Speaker 1
Yeah, you could still love something.

00:12:29 Speaker 1
And say goodbye to it.

00:12:30 Speaker 2
And I think you can do it from a much healthier place and that’s what I was coaching her on is that there is a way of of saying goodbye in a loving and kind hearted way that still will be hurtful and have pain associated with it. Of course that’s going to be there.

00:12:51 Speaker 2
But can also be done with kindness and love.

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So that there’s that that close of that relationship can be done with with that peace. And you can move forward in a in a much better place. And that’s the same with items as well. You can donate things that you no longer have used to, for, to people that.

00:13:14 Speaker 2
You really need them, right? And that feels good as well.

00:13:18 Speaker 1
So why are goodbyes so hard for us?

00:13:21 Speaker 2
Well, because I think we hold on to the past, right.

00:13:24 Speaker 1
Well, I know one reason is another reason is that we try to avoid the feeling of regret that we held on to it for so long.

00:13:36 Speaker 2
You mean you mean like staying in a relationship longer than you?

00:13:39 Speaker 2
Should right right.

00:13:39 Speaker 1
That’s one example. Yes, or just keeping something longer than you needed to, and you finally get rid of and you’re like, why did I keep it so long? So you’re you’re searching for a reason to avoid the regret.

00:13:51 Speaker 2
Yeah, I think that a lot of us when we have challenges saying goodbye, it’s because we don’t want to feel the unpleasant.

00:13:58 Speaker 2
Emotion that goes along with it. There will be that emotion. But again, as we talk about a lot with our emotions, there’s no easy way to get past it, but to go straight through it, you’re going to have to encounter uncomfortable emotion to close the door. And one thing to move to the next.

00:14:20 Speaker 2
And open up the door to the possibilities that you want after divorce.

00:14:24 Speaker 2
Absolutely. You know another reason I think that it’s hard for some people to say goodbye is because of.

00:14:32 Speaker 2
And and that’s what I’m saying. It’s a natural inclination for our our you as humans to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Right? So we’re avoiding it. So it it’s something that can be a challenge, like I said.

00:14:46 Speaker 1
Well, and also along those lines you have to make a decision that requires adulthood and that is a little bit more difficult because our brain is trained to go the easy route and the easy route is just to hold on to it and making that decision.

00:15:03 Speaker 2
It’s immature, it’s maturity and you know, again, going back to my friend, what I also was trying to help her to discover was if she truly loves him, which she does, she cares about him tremendously. And they’re, you know, they’re.

00:15:04 Speaker 1
It’s a mature decision.
00:15:22 Speaker 3
At it it’s.

00:15:23 Speaker 2
To say goodbye is really a gift to him.

00:15:26 Speaker 2
Because she won’t marry him.

00:15:28 Speaker 2
She won’t move to the next level. She’s made that clear to me. She’s ready to move on. So she’s just delaying that and she could open up his possibilities to heal sooner and move.

00:15:38 Speaker 2
On with his.

00:15:39 Speaker 2
Life to open up.

00:15:39 Speaker 1
Yeah, and probably doesn’t want to hurt him.

00:15:41 Speaker 2
Of course not. You know, I don’t think people generally want to hurt other people on purpose. Of course not, right?

00:15:42 Speaker 4
Right.

00:15:47 Speaker 1
Exactly. But actually she’s doing just the opposite by holding on.

00:15:53 Speaker 2
Exactly. Exactly right. Yeah.

00:15:55 Speaker 1
You know, if you think about it.

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So, you know, making a conscious decision on on these goodbyes is what we’re saying. We suggesting is not easy but necessary. How many of us really do this?

00:16:11 Speaker 2
That’s where divorce.

00:16:13 Speaker 2
You know, this circumstance of divorce that that our listeners find themselves.

00:16:19 Speaker 2
Is is one of those things that throws you into the emotional state of having to make change, right? So it’s like this perfect opportunity to do this inventory.

00:16:31 Speaker 2
I love that about.

00:16:32 Speaker 2
It you know, when you look at the negative and the positive of divorce, that is one of the positives.

00:16:38 Speaker 2
It’s a chance to to take this opportunity to learn and grow from right, because you’re forced into it. You have to change. You have to evolve physically, mentally, a lot of different ways physically. I mean, like you might be moving homes, those types of.

00:16:52 Speaker 1
Right. You know another reason that I would think that people avoid.

00:16:58 Speaker 1
Getting rid of something or avoid moving on is the fear of the unknown. You know, cause you’re saying yes, they have to change, but that change you don’t really know what that looks like or you may not have a certainty of your future, as none of us do. So that fear of the unknown is another reason why we.

00:17:03 Speaker 2
I missed you.

00:17:18 Speaker 1
Hold on to things.

00:17:19 Speaker 2
That’s true. Yeah. The the fear of what it’s going to look like. So, hey, I’d rather stay here. I’d rather keep this because I know.

00:17:29 Speaker 2
But how can you achieve these amazing goals that you want with your in your life? If you were to maintain the status quo, you have to really ask yourself those questions too.

00:17:39 Speaker 1
That’s why we we talk so much as coaches about getting out of your comfort zones because really holding on to things is a is a form of having a comfort zone with that item or the person.

00:17:51 Speaker 2
Right, which doesn’t again permit the opportunity for growth or change.

00:17:54 Speaker 1
Or change yes.

00:17:56 Speaker 2
Right. Because we only have so much energy.

00:17:59 Speaker 1
Yeah. You know, when you say energy, I remember that show on Netflix. You remember the movie minimalism. You saw that on Netflix. That was awesome. That was my first introduction to minimalism and getting rid of things. And it was very, very interesting.

00:18:04 Speaker 2
Ohh yeah.

00:18:05 Speaker 2
Was a good one.

00:18:16 Speaker 2
Movie to watch.

00:18:18 Speaker 2
Because it really.

00:18:18 Speaker 2
Explains a lot of the concepts that we’re talking about. I think you and I should probably watch it again because it takes energy, right? We only have so much energy in our life.

00:18:31 Speaker 2
To take care of things, to set goals, to repair things, to store things, to clean things, to focus on things. And so when you’re dragging along all that other stuff that you no longer want, it opens up that door. Like we said, to using your energy in the most.

00:18:35 Speaker 1
Clean them, yeah.

00:18:51 Speaker 2
Efficient way moving.

00:18:52 Speaker 1
Forward and I think that would really hold true to.

00:18:57 Speaker 1
Staying in a relationship that you know is over and it really can wait it out and use your energy in a.

00:19:02 Speaker 2
Negative way. It’s also a good reason I’m thinking about setting boundaries. You know, we talked a lot about that and we certainly coach our clients on that. That’s a big part of a subject that comes up is why it’s important not only to say goodbye to some things, but say no to other things like.

00:19:18 Speaker 2
If someone asks you to do something and it’s going to take up your time and energy and focus.

00:19:26 Speaker 2
Making the decision to say no is OK and how you and how and why you do that is is likely because you want to use your. Either you don’t want to do it because you just don’t want to.

00:19:39 Speaker 1
Right.

00:19:41 Speaker 2
OK. And you don’t want to be a people pleaser and and we can talk more about that as well, right? Right. Because your focus needs to be on you as the primary thing and that you could say no to things.

00:19:47 Speaker 1
Then the whole other subject.

00:19:55 Speaker 2
So that you can in a kind way so you can focus your energies where you want to focus them.

00:20:00 Speaker 1
And just on the side note, if if you want to learn more about boundaries, go to our website and hit podcast and and type in the word boundaries and it’s something you definitely want to listen to, especially how it relates to getting rid of things and saying goodbye to.

00:20:16 Speaker 2
Things. So I want to talk. I think we touched on this, but I’d like to.

00:20:20 Speaker 2
Talk about completion versus failure. Again, I talked about this, you know, saying is your marriage, was your marriage really a failure or was it just?

00:20:28 Speaker 2
Complete. So let’s talk about throwing things away. Let’s talk about ending relationships from a place of completion. Instead of feeling like we’re we’re failures, right? Or that we failed. I’ve watched people do this in divorces. It makes it such a huge difference when they feel like I love you, you know. But this relationship is complete.

00:20:51 Speaker 2
This relationship has fulfilled me to the extent that it can, right and that you can say goodbye from that place without like I said before, having a huge fight or having to be stuck in that mentality of.

00:21:06 Speaker 1
Of dislike, I think it would also lead to a much.

00:21:11 Speaker 1
Stronger and fulfilling relationship with your ex in the future.

00:21:15 Speaker 1
Sure. And.

00:21:16 Speaker 3
Right. Well, somewhere, a place of.

00:21:18 Speaker 1
Respect and and kindness and and love, I think that.

00:21:24 Speaker 4
I think you.

00:21:24 Speaker 2
Can do it for yourself because you know how and we’re we’re not in a good place and we’re acting out of a place of anger, maybe in ways that we regret, you know, doing things from a kinder place. When you say goodbye to.

00:21:38 Speaker 2
To a relationship to a friend.

00:21:41 Speaker 2
To espouse whatever it is, you can do it in that place so that you’re not regretting it in the future and you can look back and say, close that door and in a really respectful way.

00:21:53 Speaker 1
Yeah, and it opens the door to again that future relationship versus deleting this person from your life altogether.

00:22:05 Speaker 2
Process right? It’s pretty simple and clear, so here’s what we suggest. First, you want to make a list where you keep stuff and.

00:22:13 Speaker 2
Inventory of what you’re you currently have.

00:22:16 Speaker 2
Of and just becoming aware of it, right? So maybe categorize it by.

00:22:22 Speaker 2
Items, material items and friendships could be romantic relationships and kind of categorize that those right I want. I want the listeners to do this with things.

00:22:37 Speaker 2
All over the place in their life, you know, so that you can really have a full understanding of it and even do it with the habits that you have. We didn’t talk.

00:22:47 Speaker 2
About that, but.

00:22:48 Speaker 2
You could say goodbye to something that’s not serving you as a habit, right? If you want to start a new habit, a better habit for your goals, you can just say goodbye to that. You could say you know.

00:22:57 Speaker 2
What? That’s not.

00:22:58 Speaker 2
Me anymore. I’m going to put that old habit that’s not serving me. I’m going to put that into my into my trash bin. I want to start a new habit. So categorizing.
00:23:08 Speaker 2
Maybe material things, relationships habits, self-awareness, habits and then deciding what you want to keep and what you want to get rid of.

00:23:18 Speaker 1
Or even maybe some things that are holding you back from accomplishing the goals that you want in your future.

00:23:26 Speaker 1
So it could be maybe getting rid of bad food or getting rid of alcohol or getting rid of certain friends that are holding you back. So these could be all tied in together with the creating a future that serves you.

00:23:40 Speaker 2
And I also want to emphasize that let yourself feel the loss when you say goodbye to things so.

00:23:46 Speaker 2
Many people say don’t want to throw it out because I might use that again or I don’t.

00:23:49 Speaker 2
Want to?

00:23:51 Speaker 2
Say goodbye to the relationship because I still like certain parts of the relationship. So when you decide to close that door, you will feel the loss you feel will feel that and that’s OK that’s that’s anticipated, you know.

00:24:06 Speaker 2
And going back to the list, you know and the feeling of loss after you say goodbye and you made that decision.

00:24:15 Speaker 2
Now you can create what you do.

00:24:16 Speaker 2
Want right? You can. And now we suggest that you have that new list of what you’re going to put in your life that you do want, and now you have the energy, the time, the mental space to move, move towards those.

00:24:34 Speaker 2
Those new goals?

00:24:35 Speaker 1
Yeah, you’re allowing the ending to be what it really is, a beginning.

00:24:40 Speaker 1
You know, you choose not to regret it, and that decision that you get to make is all yours. And it’s very empowering.

00:24:48 Speaker 2
Correct. It is very empowering. All right, everyone. Well, this time we hope you have an amazing week and.

00:24:56 Speaker 1
I’m going to go clean out the.

00:24:57 Speaker 3
Garage you go do that, sweetie. If you need help, let me know. Make make different piles, right.

00:25:01 Speaker 1
All right.

00:25:03 Speaker 1
I didn’t.

00:25:05 Speaker 1
No, I don’t want you there. You’re gonna be throwing.

00:25:07 Speaker 1
Everything out.

00:25:08 Speaker 2
That’s how we do it. We do piles. We do. This is a must have. We’ve used this within the last number of months and and.

00:25:14 Speaker 2
We certainly like it.

00:25:15 Speaker 2
Then we do the pile, which is, well, maybe could use it. Let me think about that in a moment, and then we do the absolute haven’t used it and I like to say within the last six months, if I haven’t used something in six months, that’s kind of my rule of thumb, then I’m going to move on from it. So I put it over there, right? Or you just don’t like it. And then I go back to that middle one, which is that pile.

00:25:35 Speaker 2
But I’m like a little bit on the fence and.

00:25:37 Speaker 2
I really think about it.

00:25:38 Speaker 3
OK, you know.

00:25:40 Speaker 4
So all.

00:25:40 Speaker 2
Right, everyone have an amazing week and.

00:25:41 Speaker 1
Sounds great. Happy holidays to everybody.

00:25:43 Speaker 4
We will talk to you next week. Bye bye.

00:25:45 Speaker 1
See you next week.

00:25:54 Speaker 1
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there.

00:26:01 Speaker 1
So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit [email protected]. That’s La D as in life after divorce.

00:26:15 Speaker 1
Coaching.com.

00:26:17 Speaker 2
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.