Free Webinar: Loving Your Life After Divorce | Join us February 27 at Noon EST |   REGISTER NOW

Ep. 13 – Moving Past The Pain

In my practice, I work with so many women along their divorce journey. I want you to meet Valeria, hear her story and listen as we talk about her struggles and where she is now.


What if I told you that your divorce could end up being one of the best things that could happen to you? I’m Doreen, Yaa, marital, and family, lawyer, and certified life coach. I’ve been coaching and consulting women for over 26 years. I’ve seen it all. Now I’m sharing my expertise and my own personal experiences to help you turn a difficult time into your amazing divorce.

Hi, everybody. Welcome to your amazing divorce. I have a special treat for you today. I have one of my past clients who went through a divorce in, I think you started it. What was it? Malaria? 2018, 2018 already in 2018. So this is hilarious. So glad you’re. Thanks for inviting me. Yes, of course. And, um, I know that the divorce ended, I think it was 2019.

Yes, I did. It took a while. It took a while. Okay. So I wanted to, uh, bring malaria on so that all of you could hear what she has to say, because she went through the process of thinking about a divorce, going through the fear of contemplating when to file for a divorce. and then actually going through the divorce.

Now, we also worked together, um, in a woman’s group that I had put together. Remember that that was fun. It was wonderful. I, uh, when I first started my life coaching, um, back in 2018 or so I used to do a woman’s group once a month and I would share my life coaching skills and Val malaria was so kind and used to come to, I think all of them

In yes. And, you know, there were different, uh, different women come in every session and you could learn from everyone’s, uh, you know, situation. So it was great. You know, one of the things malaria, if you remember back, um, you know, 2018, 2019, so seems not that long ago to me for some reason, but, uh, you know, how, how were you feeling back then?

You know, what were your thoughts when you were. Maybe contemplating the divorce. Well, it really took me longer to contemplate the divorce than the divorce itself. I contemplated for three years, three years of therapy, three years of, um, trying to. Fix what it was not fixable anymore. Mm-hmm um, I was thinking about, uh, my children.

How would a divorce would impact them at the age that they were? Um, but at the end of the day, uh, I was trying to get closer and as I was getting closer, sometimes it felt like at the edge of. The grand canyon, I would go to the edge, look down three miles down, and it was so scary to jump, um, that sometimes I had to go back and it took me three years to decide to get on board.

Last night, I recorded my podcast, one of my podcasts, one of my episodes, and it was about fear. It was about the fear. Of going through divorce because a friend of mine told me that her friend made a decision. She wants a divorce, but she can’t seem to get there. Can you relate to that? Oh yes. And, um, it, there were times that my kids who already could sense what was coming up, they would ask me, mom, What are you waiting for?

Mm-hmm what are you waiting for? And I would tell them, you know, I would know. And it’s so difficult to understand that, that you would know when is the time only, you know, right. Is it’s just one morning, you know, I got up and I decided to, but I remember a conversation the first time we were on the. um, that you told me, um, that it was time to take the bandaid off.

Oh. And I was like, whoa, , that’s rough. You know why? Because, um, part of it is, you know, when you take a bandaid off, yes. It hurts it. It does right. And so you are miserable for some people in the marriage, you know, you want out of the marriage, but it’s that fear of going forward and that unknown, but when you just pull it off and then the pain starts to go away, you can get yourself to a better place.

Oh yes. Right. And it, it, it takes time and it takes a lot of work. Um, I’m still, still working after divorce, um, on. on, you know, getting where I was long time ago. Um, I, there was one example in your sessions that I always remember about the diamond and how. We are born shiny. And then with everything that happens along the way you get, you know, clutter and it, it gets dull.

Right. I’m still working on chipping. So the diamond can shine again. Oh, so let me ask you a question. Between 2018 when you first started? Yes, the divorce and now, um, is a diamond brighter. Oh, much brighter. Oh, great. Much brighter. And it’s getting shinier every day, right? Yes. And it, it, it doesn’t happen in.

In one month, you know, it’s not that you sign the divorce and you’re done, or it’s not that you decide to, uh, start the process of the divorce and everything is going to be aligned. Um, but I mean, with help and trying to concentrating in, in what are the things that. didn’t do during the marriage. Um, what took me there and then.

You know what not to do again. Um, learning from our mistakes, learning from our mistake. Yes. Right, right. And growing. I mean, you, it, a divorce makes you grow internally makes you stronger. Doesn’t it makes you stronger. Yes. Yeah. Makes you feel at times that you can overcome most anything when you go through the divorce.

Yeah. Um, you know, I, our friends out there who are listening to us, I’m sure many of them are suffering in a marriage that’s likely over maybe. Even emotional and physical abuse, um, feel that they’re stuck and they’re in pain. Do you have any advice to them? Yes, absolutely. If they have children. Um, the one thing that, um, I remember thinking many times was I don’t want to stay in a marriage for just because of my children, because I am hurting them as much.

As, uh, or worse, um, showing them that it’s okay to be, um, you know, shut down or, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s not, so I didn’t want them to have that example of, as you know, that is the role model that I’m giving them. So that’s one thing. Um, the other thing is to be strong, to just follow your, your wisdom and, um, just to know that everything will get in place at the right time.

So let me, um, because I jumped right into speaking to you, cuz I’m so excited to see you here today. I haven’t seen you personally with a pandemic and everything. Um, tell us a little bit about yourself. You’re a teacher. I am a virtual teacher. Yeah. Yes. And what do you teach? I teach foreign language. Um, so I’m worked from home.

And, um, how long were you married? I was married for 18 years. Okay. So in Florida we consider that a long term marriage. And you have two girls. I have two beautiful girls. And how old are they now? They’re 15 and 19. Okay. And, um, so during the divorce, um, you said that, or before the divorce, you were thinking about the children, correct.

And I’m not a therapist, you know, I’m a life coach and I’m a lawyer, but based on 27 years of practicing law, you know, it always amazes me when. Um, someone comes to visit me for a consultation and they end up saying at the end of explaining why they want the divorce and all many horrific things maybe that are going on, but they’ll say, but, um, I’m gonna wait until the children graduate from high school and go off to college.

And, um, you know, I’ve spoke to therapist about this and I’m, you know, again, I’m not a therapist, but, um, I know that, for example, in my own divorce, Um, my issues were a lot different than yours. I have, you know, my ex-husband Sam who I’ve talked to you about, we’re very good friends and we had a very amicable divorce.

Um, there was no, um, emotional abuse or anything like this, but, uh, it just, wasn’t a loving relationship on many levels. I didn’t want my children to. That is their role model to, to have that cycle that it’s okay. That parents like each other get along, but there’s no real connection there. Isn’t that love?

I don’t know. I have this thought process, um, that the love, the real love is what brings you through the tough times, you know? And, and so we didn’t have that in my relationship with Sam. Um, it was love on a different level. Right. Um, so when you talk about the children and let’s wait until they get older, you made a decision that you weren’t gonna wait.

Correct. And like I said, a lot of women don’t do that. A lot of people just wait. Well, to me was the, uh, previous years when they were younger, um, I was able to absorb. everything and not share it with them as they became older, they started seeing things and I couldn’t hide it anymore. I see. And as you know, one of my child’s, um, she, she had a eating disorder.

Mm-hmm um, and she started showing consequences from. what we were going through at home. Right. And that was my limit. That was my end. When I said it’s affecting, um, their lives. Mm-hmm I have to do something about it. Right? Yeah. So I, you know, I asked the listeners to think about that, you know, what is, what if you’re waiting to get divorced, if you, first of all, if you can save your marriage.

More power to you. Oh yes, absolutely. Save it. You know, that’s, that’s good thing, but certain cases, and I know that yours was one, there was no ability to save the marriage. And so, you know, people that have children and they wanna stay home and wait. Um, you know, I just ask that they think about that, you know, maybe speak to a therapist about that.

Someone that knows more about children’s psychology, how it may be hurting them in ways your daughter. You could see that it was hurting her, but in many cases you can’t see it. You can’t see how the children are being affected. Yes. I was thinking on the way driving here um, that it’s very important, uh, for the, the relationship that they have with both parents.

You know, if it’s, if they have a good communication, a great relationship. There’s no reason why. Um, it cannot continue because the divorce is between the mother and the father, not the children, some cases, what happens is because of all, you know, the commotion during the divorce, then, you know, the children end up.

Separated and right, right. You know, back when, um, I started my life coaching and I became certified. I started my woman’s group once a month and I was talking about what I call the model mm-hmm , which is, I remember you remember? Yes. Should I quiz you? No. so it’s the circumstance. Create a thought, create a feeling.

Create an action and a result. And that, um, the beauty lies in the thought part of it that we can change our thoughts. It’s not like Aber, cadaver something different. It has to be a real change in the thought, um, that then we can change how we react and the results that we get in our life. Um, we talked about a lot of different.

Theories and thought processes about life coaching. Was there anyone in particular that maybe resonated with you? Yes. I think the biggest one, um, was, uh, to, um, uh, set, uh, boundaries. That was one of my main problems in my marriage. I didn’t set boundaries and everything that was happening was a result. um, I didn’t see, you know, I didn’t want to acknowledge red flags mm-hmm , uh, either.

Um, and, uh, when I, I knew what, what boundaries were mm-hmm , but I didn’t put it together in the process of, you know, what it needs to happen. Right. Um, you know, if, if, if something is bothering you and you. And it’s, you’re having trouble with that. What can you do to stop it? Right? Two of the episodes previous to ours today, um, is about boundaries.

Correct? So I encourage the listeners to go back and listen to those. The first one dealt with boundaries that we have for ourselves. And the second one was about boundaries for others. Mm-hmm, , you know, it’s interesting that we think of the word boundary and most people think that they can define what that means.

in life coaching. The boundaries that we teach are that I teach are that you have to identify it first and know that it, what it is. Then you have to know who you’re communicating it to. And that that person clearly understands the boundary. And then if they break the boundary, the person then understands what the consequence is.

And you control the consequence, right? You’re in control. Yes. In the previous episode, I talked about my stepson. Um, Spencer, who I love to death. I always remember that example. Do you remember? Yes, absolutely. I, so he’s now, you know, in his twenties, he’s at FA U he’s doing very well, but we had some struggles and he used to come in.

The curfew was a big problem. he would come in, you know, late and disrupt the entire house. The dogs are barking, the alarm’s going off, everybody’s waking up then him and Jeff, his hus, my husband, his dad would get into arguments, vicious cycle. And then I learned in my life coaching about boundaries and we sat him down and we said, listen, Spencer, we love you.

You can’t come in late. Your curfews at 10:00 PM. If you come in at 10 after 10:00 PM, the door will be locked and then you’ll have to sleep in your car and the back patio. And it took one time. To change to change his behavior where he came in late and, uh, we locked the door and it was hard. I mean, it was, I was crying.

My husband was upset. I’m like, we he’s okay. We had the, uh, the camera we could see, but, uh, it took one time for him to know we were serious to change his behavior. So in your, um, experience with boundaries, do you wanna talk about any that you implemented? Yes. I, um, I will share one that works really well.

I still use it unfortunately. Um, my situation with my ex is not as yours. so still after a couple of years, um, you know, um, he tries to Gaslight over text. So, you know, if I ask just a simple question and it’s always regarding. Our children, he tries to, uh, just take it to say that it is my fault and he continues and it’s very tempting to, of course, defend myself and continue and it, and it grows and it gets into a big that snowball wanna react.

Yes. So, um, I said this. You know, I don’t want to take myself to the point where I was before I’m going to I’m, I’m going to be strong about, um, you know, where I want to be. And I told him, look, you know, if we cannot have a conversation that concentrates in what, uh, you know, this was about, um, then, and that’s, that’s the, you.

Uh, the, the boundary was like, this is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. Here’s the reason I am going to block you and I am in control, correct. Because when I decide that it’s enough and I don’t want to continue, I’m gonna block you. Right. And we end the conversation. Mm-hmm . So I always tell him when he starts and I just tell.

um, I’m blocking you, right. So I’m blocking you. So he knows that he crossed the line. Have you had to do that several times? Yes. Okay. Has it helped? Yes, because he stops and then for a couple of days he doesn’t communicate and then he comes back with something else, you know, related to children. If we have to, you know, he has to pay something and then, you know, it goes back to normal till he does it again.

He, he could just cannot control. Himself because he’s a narcissist. Right. But it’s helped you and it’s helped him in the sense that he stops at least for a period of time. Yes. You know, so many of my clients and people that I know they get into these text wars yeah. Or email wars and, um, you know, in court we use a lot of this, as you can imagine.

So. You know, many times I tell my client, please don’t respond, could be used against you, but more importantly, that responding that knee jerk reaction of, they say something it’s incorrect, it’s wrong, it’s hurtful, it’s accusatory. And then we wanna defend ourselves. This is how we’re built as humans is to take care of ourselves and protect ourselves.

Um, but the consequence of that, the reaction is like a snowball. It is, you know, it just keeps going and going, serves no purpose. And then it disturbs the rest of the day or the rest of the evening because the chatter comes right. You know, which is what I have been working all this time. You know, the, the chat stop the chatter because when you are not in a good place, that’s what the mind wants to do.

I just read a great book. Called, uh, sounds, uh, what is it called? Um, soundtracks and I’ll, and I will give them the name of the author. Um, I probably have it somewhere on my phone and I can find it before we end, but, um, it, it was amazing. I just really loved the Bo the book. It was, I read it in one weekend and, um, it was an easy read and it was all about these, these, um, predisposed thoughts that we have based on.

Our upbringing based on things that happened in our life, based on what somebody said to you as a child, like, for example, you’re bad at math. So now at, you know, at, in fifth grade, you’re told you’re not good at math, by a teacher and you carry that forward as a soundtrack in your brain forever. Um, and then how you have to dial down the noise on the soundtrack can eliminate it, cuz we’re human and our brains go to certain things like react.

yes, to a, to a nasty text, but we can turn down the dial on that desire to react and create a new soundtrack. So it was an amazing book. And, uh, I’m gonna plug the author once I find his name here on my, uh, my phone, but, um, that’s, that’s what it’s about. Yeah. And something else that you taught me too, was journaling, journaling.

Helps with that chatter too, because you are upset or you have a lot in your mind and you just put it in paper and it’s such a release, um, that then you don’t have that, um, need to continue on the subject right? In your mind. I talk a lot about journaling. The author’s name is, uh, John J O N a. A C U F F.

And, uh, it, it was, it was a nice read. I actually bought it for someone that I believe. Could benefit from it, but, uh, yeah. Journaling, journaling. When did you start journaling with you? yeah. Journaling is so important. I find that, um, you know, I’m good at it. And then I get, and then you go into, uh, you know, like you get so busy.

You’re like, oh, I’m not gonna journal tonight, but I tell you the power of journaling sitting there and just putting all your thoughts. On a piece of paper, the good ones, the bad ones, whatever it is, whatever it comes out at the beginning, I was like, but what do I write? Right. What, what my day was , you know, it’s kind of a diary but then you gave us a, a little notebook.

Yes. That helped to journal because it just had little phrases about, you know, how do you feel today? Um, every day was different. So it’s like learning to. Meditate with a guided meditation. This was learning to journal right through questions. So then you just, you know, write and once you start writing, then it comes, it goes, it just comes.

Isn’t it amazing. Yes. And, uh, yeah, I remember that it was basically like a worksheet because what happens is most people get stuck when they sit to a journal. They just don’t know what to say that you know, to themselves. And so it was a, a good tool eventually, you know, I’m gonna have hopefully a course for people, post divorce and getting through it.

And I hope that you join us. You know, I would love to have you there, but, uh, we’ll talk about journaling, um, from your journaling, have you had any, you know, major thoughts that have helped you to move forward? As you say, you, you know, you get in the habit of something and then when you feel better then, or, or busy, then you don’t journal anymore or you stop or you, you know, you’re not as, um, con controlling of it.

Right. But every time I have. A hiccup on the way I start journaling too again, because I know how much it helped me. Right. Um, so I have to make it a habit that it doesn’t matter what I continue doing that. And I continue the meditation and I continue, you know, setting boundaries because, you know, it’s.

Boundaries are important. What do you think was the most challenging part for you with the setting of the boundaries? Um, in this, for this one was that I was very tempted to defend myself. Sure. And it’s, you know, I didn’t want to feel well, it’s easy to just turn off and maybe he thinks, oh, she doesn’t want to.

you know, talk anymore because she knows she’s the, you know, doing it wrong, but right. But I said to myself, you know, well, of all who cares what he thinks, right? Correct. yes. I mean, seriously. Yeah. But I wanted to, to, you know, it’s like when they defend yeah. Defend. Yeah. When they attack you just like that’s the first, you know, so it was difficult for me to say, well, you know, I have to do it.

And, um, I don’t want to go back where I was, and this is my solution. So that’s great. Taking that step. It was difficult. Okay. So, you know, a lot of the listeners out there are probably, like I said, thinking about divorce or maybe they’re in the middle of it. Yes. And, um, I have this, it’s not my expression, but it’s something I like to use that this two will pass.

You know, that time really does heal wounds and that if you’re going to be miserable in a marriage, you might as well be somewhat miserable going through the divorce process, which no one wants to go through, um, to get to the other side. So if you don’t mind maybe sharing where you are today and the beautiful things that have happened to you and your children as a result of going through the divorce.

Uh, I’m in a much better place. , uh, it took me a while. Uh, it, it passes. I couldn’t understand it. So I, I know how people feel during the divorce or Prevo that you, you, you know, you cannot imagine, um, how your life can change. There are several things that I think today life is too short, um, to stay. A bad marriage when you can recover and start a beautiful different time.

Um, that’s that’s one. Um, and with that one, I always say, this is not a dress rehearsal this life. No, you know, it’s not, no give yourself time the first year. Um, you know, always think Rome was not built in one day. Sure. So you have to be patient with yourself. You have to adjust to be kind changes, be kind to yourself.

You’re gonna have days that they’re awful and days that they’re better, but as you use all the tools, you feel better, you see the little changes. Um, so my first year after I signed the divorce, I put houses to sell, you know, I had to a lot of work. My life and my children’s life and, you know, reinstate the piece mm-hmm um, among us that I wanted.

Uh, so there. No space in my mind to dating or, uh, and that’s something else that I, I want to point out in one of the sessions, uh, the women’s sessions, you said that it took you two years to date. And I was like two years seems like a long time. Right? I know. And then it that’s exactly what it took me, you know, the, you know, the first year you just, you, you need to you’re healing, you’re healing.

Yeah. And then. You know, one day I say, okay, well, I, I, I think I’m ready to, you know, allow myself to, uh, see friends and meet people and do something fun. Something for me, absolutely. A hundred percent that me, that you put aside for so long. Um, and you have to find that you have to that woman again. Yes.

Right? Yes. And then rediscover and grow her. Basically. It’s like a flower, you know? Yes. Lots of. how, and so your life has changed a lot. You moved, I moved to as much, much smaller how’s that, uh, place it’s a town home, but even that I, um, it, it doesn’t bother me because I it’s it’s my own place. Mm-hmm um, You know, and I, I can decorate the way I want I can set the rules the way I want.

Yeah. And, um, and everyone is happy and, you know, there’s no screaming there’s, you know, so I had to adjust. Yes. The lifestyle is different. The financial lifestyle finance. Yes. Yes, of course. Yes. Yes. But, um, you know, you. you, you just dust yourself, trade one thing for something else or something else. And then, um, you know, I told my girls, you know, I’m not gonna stay at home for the rest of my life.

Right. Mom wants to meet other people. And, um, and, uh, I, I just, uh, convince myself that the, uh, online dating could. away. Okay. And I tried it good and it worked yay. And it worked, um, with someone for eight months now. Oh, congratulations. You. That’s beautiful. How are the girls doing? The girls are doing great.

Um, you know, I think the divorce affects them depending on the majority they have. And so I. One, still 15. At that time, she was much younger that all she could think was, oh, I’m not gonna have this room. this bedroom. We have to move. My bedroom is going way my gosh, that my sheet’s coming with me. It’s and now she’s in a, you know, different place where the older one could understand.

What was going on. So I, you know, you have to see if they want help. They want to talk with someone. Absolutely. I always recommend that, you know, when people just as a side note, when they come to me and they have children, one of the things I I recommend is that they just take the child to the therapist to see, because just like if the child had a fever, that’s not going away, you know, this is a change in their life.

You take the child to the doctor. If they have a fever, that’s, you know, Continuing you wanna make sure they’re okay. Um, just to check in and every child is different. Every child handles the divorce differently. Correct. And a therapist not always, you know, uh, works. Correct. You know, my older one went to a therapist three years and she was like, I don’t want to go anymore.

Sure. You know? Uh it’s. It’s like, um, you know, hurting myself every time to talk about the. and then that’s where life coaching comes in. And that’s exactly what I was gonna say. She, you know, introduced her to your, your friend life coach. Yes. Yes. And Andy, Andy and she chose she’s amazing S in three months, it’s amazing on her feet.

And, uh, she’s doing great in school. Okay. At cant. Thank her enough. So yeah. So you have to find what, what works Andy’s, uh, company, what is it share happiness or. Shift happens. Yeah. Shift happens. She changed the name in Delray beach, right? Yeah. Yeah. She’s amazing. So if anybody’s interested, well, she’s in Bo tone, she probably does, you know, video sessions, but the difference between therapy and life coaching is just to say easily, is that therapists look basically in the past.

To figure out, you know, what happened and try to work on that. And I’m not suggesting that isn’t important in many cases, it could be very important to starting the next journey of your life to heal the past, but then life coaching. We look at the thoughts today, moving forward. Yes. You know, and, um, creating the life that we really want.

You know? So your daughter, your oldest then, um, I hear that she’s doing extremely well. She is . She is. And when she has little problems, she still texts her and you know, oh, that’s great. You know, what do you think about this? Or this is, you know, so, you know, there’s a relationship. um, so that’s, uh, yes, that’s great.

I think that your daughter learned a lot from you, your oldest, your little one is still in the midst of high school and all that, but your oldest one, she really conquered through some, some big hurdles to get where she is in college. Yeah. Yes. Uh, not only the divorce, but facing also to be on her own for college.

Right. Because the father. You know, doesn’t contribute. So, um, she did everything herself and she did, she, she was determined. I, I had, uh, prepaid college and, and she was like, mom, I really feel, I want to try other places. And I said, go for it. Just, just go for it. So, you know, when I talk about life coaching and I talk mostly about thoughts, um, a lot, and then we break it down, like the boundaries or the manual.

I talked about the manual and one of my previous episodes, you know, how we have manuals for people in our life. And people just don’t live up to our manual that we expect of them and how we can deal with that. But, um, you know, it takes practice. I think that, you know, just like journaling, yes. It takes practice on all these different thoughts and, and how you can work these different theories and, and exercises to get to a better place.

Um, how did you keep on track with all that? Because like you said, a lot of us end up doing it for a while. Implementing what I teach and then things are good. And when things are good, we tend to, you know, eat the chocolate cake. yeah. You know, when you get to that weight and then you’re like, oh, now I can eat it.

But it’s really a lifestyle change. Just like eating is a lifestyle change to maintain, you know, a good, healthy weight. Same with this. Yeah. I, I, um, I enjoy. All these tools that really helped me. So I’m always in the look, you know, when you told me you were, uh, starting with a podcast podcast, I was like, Ooh, I’m I, I enjoy just walking and going, you know?

And, and listen, because you refresh. If, if, if you don’t continue working on it, if you don’t continue journaling, if you don’t continue meditating or it’s just like exercising, you’re not going to, you know, you’re not gonna be toed if you don’t exercise. Right. Well, I always say that, um, I probably used it in many of my episodes, but you know, you can read a book.

and know all of the exercises, what to do, how much weight, how many reps, how often all of that. But if you don’t get out and actually do it good, right? Yes. It’s the same thing. So if you could take yourself back, let’s say 2017, 2018, right before you started, made the decision and pulled off the bandaid and then, um, to where you are.

if you could tell yourself your future self, the self that sits here right now, if you could give her a message back then, and I’m catching you off the spot on that one, what do you think you would tell her? Um, I, I thought about that several times. Um, why didn’t I do it before? And, and would you tell her basically that it’s all gonna be.

it’s yes. You know, it, it will take your time. You will go through rough patches, but at, at the end of the road, you will find your place and peace. Right. And peace. Yes. Peace is is yes, but I, I sometimes think like, oh my gosh, why, why didn’t I do. Maybe five years before. Right. But I was not ready, so, right.

Like you said, you kind, some people know when they’re ready. Mm-hmm and some people never, you know, living in indecision is another issue that people deal with because they’ll think, well, I just don’t know yet they wanna get divorced or they’re, they’re moving in that direction. They know they need to get out, but they’re like, oh, I’m not ready.

And there’s one thing to, to get your ducks in a row, which is super important before you go through a divorce, you know, you wanna make sure that you talk to a lawyer, you understand your legal rights, you know, the process. You’re probably gonna collect records. You’re gonna do, you know, save some money, things of this nature, but there’s other people that live in this indecisiveness.

and then they just always have an excuse. Yes. It’s a holiday. It’s a child’s birthday. It’s, you know, whatever that’s exactly what it is, excuses. Right, right. We convince ourselves that it’s not the right time, you know, cuz the human brain is super good at taking the path of least resistance. Right. All it knows from way back when is how to protect itself and so bad habits or bad marriages, bad relationships, they tend to stay in because, well, why would I go try something new?

That’s a bad idea. Look at all these bad things that can happen. When I, um, did my podcast yesterday about fear. and I was inspired, like I said, by someone who knows someone who’s in that stuck stage of I’m not ready for the divorce, you know? Um, and I said, uh, an exercise, nice exercise, I think would be to write down all the reasons, like a piece of paper, you put a line in the middle, all the good and all the bad, all the things that you think might happen, because all they are are thoughts about something that hasn’t happened yet, right?

Yes. That’s really what it is. , it’s not like you’re standing, like for me, I have a fear of Heights. So when I go hiking in Florida, we don’t have an issue with this, but if I’m in the, you know, up in the mountain somewhere, I have a fear, but I force myself to do it because I enjoy it. I know if I put my foot in the wrong place, the fear is I could fall and I could hurt myself or worse, right.

People that are in the middle of thinking about a divorce that are, have fear. Don’t know, and all this, they tend to go to all the bad things that might happen. Like I’ll be alone. I won’t have money. I’ll have to sell the house. The children will be in a bad place. All of this that hasn’t even happened. So I ask them to please put down the bad and the good, because our brain doesn’t normally think about all the good, you’re an example of all the good as you sit here today of how it can.

And that’s, that’s a beautiful thing. And in the process, you also helped me remember when I was very determined not to sell one of my houses and have it, you know, jointly. And you were like, no, no, no, no, you sell it. you have to cut the strings. Then you can go and buy another one. right. Fresh. It’s so hard.

I mean, I, I struggle with that in my own life, you know? Um, things and possessions that I wanna hold on. But when you think about it, it’s really, you know, concrete and it’s walls and it’s, it’s important. You raise children there and all that, but it’s really a home and a home is really where the heart is and you make a home anywhere.

I remember that that conversation. Especially in your case with your ex um, having ties any ties with him, I knew wasn’t healthy for you. No, no. You know, so as much as you wanted the house, I mean, it’s, it’s a matter of taking care of you, you know, that’s the priority. Um, because as I say, we gotta take care of you first, so you can be take care of your children, correct?

Put the oxygen mass on for you first and then the children, you know, But they tell you when you’re on the plane. So there’s good reason for that. So anything more that you think you wanna tell someone that’s sitting there, maybe she’s taking a walk or just sitting on the couch, listening to us any just don’t be afraid.

Okay. Just if, you know, think your excuses in, you know, just put them aside, put them to sleep. And if you. Wisdom is telling you that it’s not a good fit anymore. Just go for it’s so interesting how our brain knows. Yes. We know that we need to make change. We just don’t change it because remember that part of our brain that comes in and says, oh, no change is not good.

So we all learn from change. That’s it. Everything in life that’s worth having is all about change ISN. Yes, goals take work. And if, if you know, along the way, things happen differently, you know, um, you, I, I. Think about it as failure. I just think, well, I learned something else. I know. And I learned a lot in, in the, my divorce, you know?

Oh yeah. so, you know, failure, uh, from my perspective is, um, in my team and my meetings at my office, you have several businesses, but if something doesn’t work, you know, one avenue doesn’t work, we try a system or something and it fails. I’m I congratulate I’m like, okay, that’s good. Because now we know that doesn’t work.

Now we try over. correct. Failure creates goals. And that’s how you reach out. If you don’t try, you don’t never know absolutely. A hundred percent. Well, I am so happy that you’re here and that you’re doing great. And, um, I’m sure the listeners are gonna have more questions for you. So I encourage them to email me or write in the show notes and, um, I’m sure that you’d be willing to talk to them on some level and all them Absolut.

All. Yes. Well, thank you. Thank you for inviting me. All right, everybody. Listen, have a most amazing day, a most amazing week. Love yourself. And remember, yes, you can. And until next time, have an amazing rest of the day. And remember, yes, you can buy everybody. Thanks so much for listening for tips, updates, and expert advice.

Be sure to visit your amazing And remember my friends. Yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce. See you. Views expressed by the participants of this program are their own and do not represent the views of nor are they endorsed by YFA family law group or your divorce law center, their respective officers, directors, employees, agents, or representatives.

The content of your amazing divorce is for entertainment and educational purposes. Only none of the content on your amazing divorce should be considered legal advice, nor does anything here in create an attorney, client relationship as always consult a lawyer for your legal questions.

Start creating your best life after divorce and book your complimentary Discovery Call