Ep. 132 – Thoughts

Jeff: Hello, everybody out there. Welcome to Episode 132, as well as our part two sit in our series about the model, we spoke on Circumstances. Today we’re going to be speaking about your Thoughts. So if you’re ready, let’s get started.

Doreen: Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

Hey, Jeff.

Jeff: Hey, Doreen, how are you?

Doreen: Great, I’m great.

Jeff: Is that a factor, is that a thought? That you’re doing great.

Doreen: That’s a thought, because some may not think I’m great today.

Jeff: Well, I think you’re looking great.

Doreen: I don’t know about that.

Jeff: But that’s my thoughts. So today, we’re gonna be talking about our thoughts, and how individualistic they are, and how different they can be, no matter what the circumstances are, and how they can affect the results in your life.

Doreen: Yeah, so this is a five-part series. Last episode, we spoke about the first part of the model, which is one of the main coaching tools that we use, which was the circumstance line. And you can go back and listen to that, if you’re listening to this episode for the first time, we recommend that you start with episode what was it? 131 first, and then carry over to this one. And then of course, continue for the next three, which we’ll be also recording.

Jeff: And for those that don’t want to do that, I’ll do a little recap that our circumstances are facts in our lives, that are undeniable, can be proved in a court of law, that no matter who you are, no matter where you’re at, no matter what color your skin is, it’s a fact.

Doreen: Correct. So again, we have a circumstance that leads us to a thought, that leads to a feeling, that leads then to an action or an inaction. And that shows up as the results you have in your life. So today, we’re on the thought line.

Jeff: Exactly.

Doreen: Thoughts, I think, are probably one of the most crucial parts of each these.

Jeff: I agree, that’s vital.

Doreen: The thoughts are going to create the results you have or don’t have in your life. Right? We touched on that, of course many times throughout our episodes and in our teachings, right?

Jeff: Well, I think that the reason that they’re so important is we go through our day. Again, we’ve said it before with almost 60,000 thoughts in a day. But how many of those thoughts contribute to how we enjoy our life? How many of them? How do we enjoy our life? Do we go through our day miserable? Are we happy? Are we satisfied? Are we in love? Are we in? We’re at hating people, you know, we’re in a society right now, that is kind of all volatile. It’s very volatile. Right now..

Doreen: It’s very easy to go to the negative.

Jeff: It’s very easy and very normal.

Doreen: All you have to do is turn on the TV or scroll through your social media and yeah, news channels and all that to see that there’s a lot of negativity out there. Right?

Jeff: And does it serve you? Does it serve what you really want in your life? Maybe you’re the type of person that enjoys being miserable. I mean, that could be people out there that hey, I like being a mean person. You know, and maybe as strange as it is, but our world is crazy right now.

Doreen: I mean, but that’s a thought as well, this world is crazy, because, you know, we can find thoughts. Let’s just go back. Let’s start from the beginning. Right? So a thought is the statement in your mind about a circumstance. So the circumstances we addressed last episode is a fact. So we talked about the divorce. Divorce is a fact. Whether you’re going through a divorce, and it was filed, which is a fact, or you got divorced, that’s a fact. Right?

Jeff: Exactly. So then how you feel about that divorce are, is all from your thoughts. You know, some people may go be glad they’re going through a divorce, and some people might be sad. They’re going through divorce.

Doreen: I think we’re a perfect example of that. We talked about that before as well. So basically, we both are, yeah, we both were married and divorced before once.

Jeff: Right.

Doreen: And I had a much better divorce than you did. But my divorce was better and the aftermath of co-parenting together was better. But your thoughts about the divorce were happy thoughts.

Jeff: Yes. I was gonna say it wasn’t that it was better. I think that the process may have been smoother.

Doreen: Yes.

Jeff: In your case, but I think I was very happy getting out of the marriage and moving on with my life. Because as you said, I had completed that part of my life and I was ready for a better future, a much happier life.

Doreen: So you were happy about that divorce, generally.

Jeff: I was no, not generally. I was very, very happy. And you know, what am I in look at life today. I mean, I met the love of my life, I met the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. And I married her. And if that divorce didn’t happen, you would have never happened.

Doreen: Well, and my thoughts about my divorce, if I had to sum it up – we’re sad, I was sad that we were getting divorced, I was sad that we had gotten to a part in our life, throughout our marriage, where it just wasn’t working anymore. And even though we did, you know, respect each other, and thank goodness had the same thoughts about co-parenting together. You know, it was a sad time for me, I didn’t want to get divorced, you know, I just thought, my thought was that it was better for all of us, the whole, the entire family. And he shared the same thoughts from my understanding, you know, that we were it was better to get divorced, and to just be, you know, friends and co-parents.

Jeff: And that’s where we’re at today.

Doreen: And that’s where we are. So, you know, I asked listeners to really, the question is, what are your thoughts about the divorce?

Jeff: And separating the thought, from the fact, understanding that how you feel about the divorce is your thoughts. And it is your choice, to feel that way to think that way. So it’s not necessarily a fact. And I think that’s where a lot of people misconstrue the thought process is my thoughts are a fact.

Doreen: I know, we touched on this when we were talking last episode about circumstances. And it’s very easy for most people to be convinced, in their own mind, that their thoughts are, in fact, facts. You know, they’ll argue with us about that. Generally, when we’re coaching, I think, is probably one of the most challenging parts of when we’re working with the clients is to get them to really recognize that their thoughts are optional. And their thoughts are not facts. I think that out of all of the things, the results I can understand, you know, the actions they kind of get, you know, because it’s what you do, or don’t do, you know, the feelings, it takes a little effort to recognize feelings, and to really comprehend what they are. It’s super important. We’ll talk about that next episode. But the thoughts are the most challenging, because they’ll sit there and they’ll try to convince us that “Oh, no, you don’t know my ex”.

Jeff: You don’t understand.

Doreen: You don’t know my ex, you know, you know, what I’m telling you about him is a fact.

Jeff: It’s right. But you know what the truth of the matter is, it is not a fact. And it is an option. Your thoughts are completely totally up to you. It’s so empowering.

Doreen: Well it is empowering. But I think we have to first help our listeners to understand what a thought really is.

Jeff: Okay.

Doreen: Okay. So I don’t know. Let’s start there.

Jeff: Well, a thought is a sentence that comes into your mind, right? As soon as you think about the circumstance.

Doreen: Correct.

Jeff: So if you think about your job, your career, and your thought is, I’m stuck in this mess. You know, I need the money. There’s nothing better else I can do. So I’m stuck in a job that I hate. Okay. And that’s, that’s your fact. Well, really, is it? Are you really stuck? Or is that just the thought that you had from your circumstance?

Doreen: Well, it’s absolutely your thought, because another person could have the same job and love it.

Jeff: Exactly.

Doreen: And if we want to take that as an example, if you have coworkers with you, and you’re thinking as an example that your job is, I’m not going to use the word but horrible. Then, you know, why is it that your coworker thinks it’s amazing comes to work every day with a smile,

Jeff: Or somebody would love to take your place.

Doreen: And you know, I’m going to get a little deep on this because whenever someone tries to change.. Many times, people try to try to change their thoughts, because we’re going to work with our clients on that as well, is how can we gently start to shift our thoughts to more neutral thoughts and then to better thoughts that are going to serve the results we want is to not leave your circumstance, which is the fact, in this case, your job is a fact, that you have right now, until you find peace with it. So that’s gets into some other teachings. But if you’re, in our example miserable about your job, not liking your job, that’s stemming from your thought, and we want to suggest that you want to shift your thoughts about your job. And if you choose to leave your job to leave from a place of, I’m okay with this job, I even like this job and then make the decision to leave. But that gets into some deeper coaching work.

Jeff: That takes time to have that much mastery of your thoughts. And I think one thing that we try to do in coaching is established the results that you want, and kind of work our way backwards.

Doreen: To the thoughts especially because when we work these models with you, we will always show you that the results are having stem from your thoughts, right? So for example, if you love your job, or even if you just like your job, okay, we don’t have to go to love. But if you like your job, then what are your thoughts about your job? Right? Because it’s always going to parallel with each it’s always going to, you know, I making a little bit of a, you can’t see me, of course. But I’m showing, I’m connecting down to your results. And so the question is with our example, do you want to go to your job every day, disliking your job? Probably not. Or do you want to go to your job like liking it? At least?

Jeff: It’s like we talked about in our happiness episode, where we say, are you struggling to achieve happiness? Are you happily achieving?

Doreen: Correct.

Jeff: So if you find that you’re happily achieving, a lot of doors and opportunities seem to open up to you, when you feel that way. When you have those kinds of feelings, and you have those kinds of emotions. Things change for the better for you because of just your attitude and your thoughts.

Doreen: Well, let’s bring it around to an example. So let’s say I’m your client, Jeff. And I have a thought that my job is miserable. I hate my job.

Jeff: Okay.

Doreen: Okay. Which you would tell me what?

Jeff: Well, when you have that kind of thought, well how does that make you feel?

Doreen: It makes me feel stressed. It makes me feel angry.

Jeff: Okay. And, okay, you’re stressed and you’re angry? What kind of actions take place when you’re stressed? What kind of actions do you, what do you do when you’re angry?

Doreen: Well, when I’m angry about my job, or I’m stressed about I’m probably not showing up on time. I’m not showing up in a happy state of mind.

Jeff: And what kind of day do you have at work when you’re, when you show up in a negative state of mind?

Doreen: Not prepared? And not on time, I would venture to say that I’m probably going to be more stressed.

Jeff: What does your supervisor say when you turn up late?

Doreen: They’re not happy with me. And I ended up disliking my job more.

Jeff: So those are your results that you’re having from your thoughts. So you can see how your results kind of match your circumstance, you haven’t changed that much. You’re miserable in your job. That’s, that’s your thoughts. But you have a job, that your circumstance.

Doreen: So if you’re using that example, how would you gently start to change your thoughts to thoughts that serve you?

Jeff: Well, what kind of day would you like to have when you go to work? You know, what would you like to experience?

Doreen: I would like my day..

Jeff: You had a perfect, perfect world. And you had the same career, same job, and you went to work, how would you really want that day to go?

Doreen: And this is coming from a coach, that a coaching session that we did so obviously, we’re not naming the person that we were coaching but who was struggling with a job and if I recall correctly, the thought was that they wanted to have a job that they enjoyed.

Jeff: That’s the result they wanted. They want to enjoy their job go through the day whistling while I work, I think.

Doreen: Why if I recall correctly, not to correct you, it wasn’t even to whistle as they work. It was more just to be relatively content like to want to go there because you know, they had lots of thoughts about having to bring in money and they needed the job for that and all that they couldn’t just leave. But you know, when we stripped it down the main thing is they wanted to be happy at work. They want to enjoy it.

Jeff: Well, when I backtrack to actions, I think he did say something along the lines of have a little bit more pep in my step, have a little bit more hustle in the muscle and kind of whistle while I work and get to work and a little bit of a happier mood and attitude.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: So where do you ask from that? Well, what kind of thoughts would you have to have to have those feelings and emotions? To have a little pep in your step, hustle in your muscle? What kind of feelings would you have to have?

Doreen: Oh, feelings of contentment, feelings of wanting to be there? Pride. Pride is good. Pride for myself.

Jeff: Pride? We’re proud of the work.

Doreen: Proud of the work I’m doing, you know, feelings that I want to show up. That I need to go.

Jeff: The bare minimum would be a hey, at least I have a job. Could be a bare minimum.

Doreen: Wow. Isn’t that an amazing thought? Think about all the people out there that don’t have a job. You know, so just thinking the thought, I’m fortunate to have this job, I’m fortunate to be able to get a paycheck. I’m fortunate to be able to have benefits, I’m fortunate to be able to have the thought could be I like my coworkers, or I like some of my co-workers.

Jeff: A roof over my head.

Doreen: I like the thought of paying my bills.

Jeff: Sure.

Doreen: You see how it just gently starts to shift to the positive is what the example we’re trying to, to show.

Jeff: And all the examples you were just saying, you know, I’m lucky to have this and lucky to be able to pay my bills. What are those?

Doreen: Those are thoughts.

Jeff: Those are thoughts.

Doreen: Correct.

Jeff: So by working backwards, you started spitting out all these positive thoughts that now serve you that are going to get you the emotions that you want at the end of the day, at the end of your job.

Doreen: How about we use an example about a thought about divorce?

Jeff: Okay, okay.

Doreen: So, again, I’ll be the client. And you’re the coach. And usually you start it with what?

Jeff: Well, what would you like to be coached on today?

Doreen: Oh, well, I don’t know. I think I’d like to coach about my divorce.

Jeff: Okay. And what about your divorce?

Doreen:  Well, not very happy with what happened. How it ended up?

Jeff: Okay. You want to expound on it a little bit?

Doreen: I mean, I think I got the wrong end of the deal here. You know, I was hoping to get a lot more in support. Now, we have to sell the house. The children are living between two homes. I think they’re upset. I mean, it’s really caused a lot of disruption in our lives.

Jeff: And how does that make you feel, at the end of the day, what do you, how are you feeling about that?

Doreen: Oh, I’m feeling mostly stressed, I would say.

Jeff: Okay, so when you’re feeling stressed.. What happens? What do you do? Or what don’t you do?

Doreen: So I think, again, this is just an example, to our listeners. But I think what I mostly do is I withdraw, I kind of curl up into a ball do only what I need to do with the kids. You know, I’m not taking care of the house. I’m not taking care of myself. I’m definitely watching way too much TV. I’m not watching my diet, not exercising, I’m just kind of like in a blah state.

Jeff: Okay. And so, blah state, not taking care of yourself kind of withdrawing from your kids and your family. What kind of results are you having with that? What is your life? What is your life look like right now?

Doreen: I think I’m stuck. I’m not making any progress. I’m, you know, the divorce happened. And I feel like I’m in a worse position today. I’m not doing any better. Like, the bank account is the same. The career is the same. The kids are not, you know, in a good place. It’s just we’re all kind of stuck.

Jeff: Well, now wave that magic wand and tell me what you would change.

Doreen: What would I change? Well, I would like to be in a better place. I would like to be enthused about the future.

Jeff: Well, explain that to me, how would, what would it look like if you were enthused about the future?

Doreen: Oh, I’d probably be moving on emotionally past the divorce, not focusing on it so much, and how I ended up with the raw end of the deal here or got a bad result, and you know, just taking action to be in a better place.

Jeff: Okay. And if you were in a better place, where would you be?

Doreen: I would be waking up and moving through my day with purpose, you know, in other words, not just moping around, finding a million excuses. Not to do what I know I need to do.

Jeff: Okay, what kind of mother would you be?

Doreen: I’d be a better mom.

Jeff: Okay. What do you mean by being a better mom?

Doreen: I would be present, I’d be available. I would be with the kids.

Jeff: Okay, now those results sound really, really nice, don’t they?

Doreen: They do.

Jeff: What actions? What do you have to do? To have those kinds of actions? What would you do on a daily basis?

Doreen: Well, I think, do you want me to pick one? All right. So let’s just say being more present with the children.

Jeff: Okay. And so when you’re present with the children, what are you feeling? What do you feel? Connected?

Doreen: Love.

Jeff: Love.

Doreen: Bonding.

Jeff: Okay. Now from that, what from those feelings of bonded love and connection? What thoughts did you have to have? What thoughts should you have to create those feelings of being bonded with your children being connected with your children and of love?

Doreen: Well, I think the first thought I could have is, I have an opportunity now, to really spend one on one time with them. You know what I’m saying? Because now that the divorce is final, my time with them is my time with them. I don’t have to share it with anyone else at this point. I can really focus in on being with them, and doing what we want to do.

Jeff: That’s interesting. And could you have any of those thoughts about yourself? Not just about the kids, but maybe different thoughts that you might have about you?

Doreen: I could have the thought that I’m a good mother. Right? And if I have the thought that I’m a good mother, in spite of the divorce, right, because I think there’s a lot of thoughts about that, you know, that I could have done something to save the marriage, and now my kids are dealing with the divorce, and they shouldn’t have to be, but I could have the thoughts that, you know, I’m a good parent in spite of the divorce.

Jeff: You’re a great client.

Doreen: Thank you. But the point being, that, you know, that’s just an example of, of a mock, like we do a mock trial, you know, what a coaching session might look like, stemming from, like one example that we just gave.

Jeff: And I do want to do a footnote here that when you’re dealing with real thoughts, real feelings, real actions, and real results, real circumstances, and it’s not a mock client, it tends to be a little bit more realistic, tends to be a little bit more emotional, it tends to be a little bit more aha moments that you really can say, I can do this, because based on my thoughts, based on the empowerment of my thoughts in their mind.

Doreen: So you know, for the listeners out there, what thoughts are you having that are creating the results you don’t want in your life? That’s the first question I would ask you to write that down, write down – C for circumstance, T for thought, F for feeling, A for action, or inaction, and R for result, just write it down, and put your thought into the thought line. And then work backwards, go ahead and put your circumstance in. What is causing, what is the fact in your life that is causing that thought. And all we want to do is work those two right now based on this second part of the series, and gently start to change your thought. Meaning, what can you think differently about that fact, right now we’re using the circumstances of the divorce. And we use the circumstance of work, but what thought can you have that will gently start to change your feeling action result? And in our example, the thought was, I’m a good mom, I’m a good parent. The other thought was, I have time now to spend one on one time, just me and my children together, those gentle thoughts. You don’t want to try to generally jump and it’s rare that we can until we do more practice on this from some big thought like, oh my gosh, this was the most amazing thing my divorce. This is great. You’re not gonna go there. It just gentle little neutral thoughts even.

Jeff: Big thoughts like that aren’t sustainable.

Doreen: Well, and they’re not realistic. And if you can have a thought that is real to you, then it doesn’t work.

Jeff: That’s not gonna last.

Doreen: So when we do this work and we narrow down on the thought you’re having that it’s causing the results you don’t want. In our example, it was a parent who was not present. And you want to be present is a gentle shift to some thought, like I get to spend more time with my children now us one on one, it’s a reality, right? It can be a reality. And so it’s just that gentle thought.

Jeff: If it’s something that you really want in your life, this is a result, I really, really, really want. Just ask yourself, does this thought serve..

Doreen: That result.

Jeff: That result that I really, really want? If you really, really want it, it will work, you will have that thought it will come to you. If it’s something pie in the sky that yeah, I’d love to have this someday, you know, your thoughts aren’t gonna be stable.

Doreen: What are you gonna say about someday? Someday I’ll, someday live on that island. Someday, I’ll do this.

Jeff: I’ll do that.

Doreen: Or I’ll do that. Right. This is I think one of the most challenging. As I said before, this is I think the most challenging part of the work that we do is shifting the thoughts.

Jeff: And as we work through this series, you know, next week, we’re going to talk about feelings and emotions, you will find that we do talk about all of them together because they are intertwined. Yes, I think that thoughts is probably the most difficult because it kind of leads, the leads the show, but I think they all are intertwined.

Doreen: Oh, absolutely.

Jeff: So that’s why we’re constantly going back to circumstance going down to feelings, going over to mode actions, and talking about the results in our lives. But it all stems from today’s topic, which is our thoughts.

Doreen: Correct, correct. And let’s talk about the 12-week program that you’re heading up?

Jeff: Yes.

Doreen: Tell us about it.

Jeff: It’s the Thrive After Divorce program. And it’s a 12-week course. So you’re going to watch an awesome video. And then we’re going to follow that up with to one on one coaching sessions about that video about that life altering thoughts and changes that we’re going to have, whether it’s about your emotions and feelings, whether it’s about boundaries, could be about goal setting, acknowledgement, and being held accountable. Or there’s a lot of topics that are really, really get you to have that aha moment, and really steer your life in the right directions.

Doreen: And we have worksheets as well.

Jeff: It comes with worksheets that you and I will dive into when you answer them. And then you can see from your answers, oh, you’re right. I did have this thought.

Doreen: Correct.

Jeff: Sometimes in conversation, you might say something at one time, but mean something that’s a little bit deeper that you put on paper.

Doreen: So, I thought it was, it was nice to explain that. So if someone’s interested in learning more about the 12-week, Thrive After Divorce program..

Jeff: Well, they can go to our website and book a call with me, I would love to talk to anybody out there and everybody out there about how we do things and how we can really affect change in their lives.

Doreen: Correct.

Jeff: And then of course, the Thrive After Divorce program is on the website as well if they want to read about it as well. But of course, always do better in conversation. Book a call with me, I’d love to talk to you.

Doreen: Nothing to lose, right? Everything to gain. All right, everyone, and we’ll be announcing some webinars coming up over the next number of months. So stay tuned for that as well, where you can join in and learn more about what we do and whether questionnaire you come in for as a client or you just get some, I think really valuable information from the webinar. Our goal is to really help people thrive after divorce and to create the life that you want. There is a better life. It’s waiting for you. It’s just around the corner, and we’re here to help you get there.

Jeff: Until then!

Doreen:  Have a great, amazing week.

Jeff: Have a great week. Bye bye!

Doreen: Bye!

Jeff: You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com. That’s L A D as in life after divorce dash coaching.com.

Doreen: Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.