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Ep.133 – Feelings

Greetings and welcome to Episode 133 of our podcast! In today’s installment, marked as Part 3 of our five-part series, we embark on a journey to unravel the profound connection between your thoughts and the outcomes they generate in your life. Delving into the intricate workings of emotions and exploring effective coping mechanisms, you’ll gain insights into the notion that feelings are intricately tied to our thoughts.

As we navigate this exploration of understanding feelings’ origins and how to manage them, a revelation awaits – the realization that feelings are born solely from our thoughts. This revelation is a potent catalyst in the healing process, illuminating the empowering truth that change is within your reach. Get ready for a transformative experience as we navigate this insightful episode.

Transcript

Jeff 00:00
Hello to all of our listeners out there. Welcome to Episode 133, which is actually our part three of five of our series on the Elements of the Model. So today we’re going to be talking about Feelings. So if you’re ready, let’s get started.

Doreen 00:27
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffaa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve, and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life, the best chapter Hey, Jeff.

Jeff 00:59
Hey Doreen, how are you? Why do you always laugh when I say “Hey Doreen, how are you?”

Doreen 01:06
*inaudible*

Jeff 01:07
I have no idea how you’re doing today.

Doreen 01:09
Oh, well, we have been around each other all day.

Jeff 01:11
Well, okay. Well, you know, you’re working in your office. I’m working in my office. It’s good to see you. Hi.

Doreen 01:17
I just think it’s cute.

Jeff 01:18
I’ve missed you.

Doreen 01:19
Missed you too. Isn’t it funny how you can live in the same house and miss each other?

Jeff 01:23
Yes.

Doreen 01:24
We can have an episode on that.

Jeff 01:25
Oh, I wrote that down. Yeah, that’s a good one.

Doreen 01:30
Two ships traveling in the night. Not really connecting.

Jeff 01:34
Now you’re getting deep?

Doreen 01:35
Yeah. Well, we’ve done a lot of that lately, just dealing with life and businesses. And unfortunately, your father passed. And so yes, it’s been a very sad time.

Jeff 01:49
Yes, it has been.

Doreen 01:50
Which leads into our conversation today, which is about feelings.

Jeff 01:54
Right.

Doreen 01:55
Right? This is part three of the series on the model, which this is episode 133.

Jeff 02:04
Today’s 133. So we began on 131. On circumstances.

Doreen 02:10
So we suggest that if you’re coming into this episode today, and you haven’t listened to the previous two episodes, that you would want to start there.

Jeff 02:18
Yeah, I highly recommend that you get caught up. And that to understand how the model works in a certain sequence of events.

Doreen 02:27
Correct. Correct. So let’s, let’s talk about the foundation of the model just to do a little bit of a recap.

Jeff 02:33
Okay. Well, you know, we always have in life, things that happen to us that are out of our control that are facts. And these are called circumstances.

Doreen 02:43
Let’s just take the divorce as an example.

Jeff 02:46
Okay. For an example, you are served with papers that your spouse is filing for divorce.

Doreen 02:51
Or maybe the circumstance could be that the divorce is now final. You have a final judgment of divorce. Those are facts. These are facts are the serving of the petition or the actual divorce decree itself. It’s facts. And it’s a fact nobody can debate it. It’s there. It’s in the courthouse, it’s in black and white. Yes. Right. And then the next thing is your thought about it.

Jeff 03:16
That’s I think the most important part is your thought about it. Because that’s the one thing that we do have control over is our thoughts. And that leads to the rest of the success or I should say in success or no success of the model.

Doreen 03:31
Correct. Because after thoughts come your feelings, which we’re going to talk about today and dive into and then after feelings becomes dives into the actions or inactions, and then you’ll have the results in your life. And what’s really interesting when you do this work and you study it, is that your thoughts? And what if once you slow down and you uncover your thoughts, especially when you’re dealing with thoughts about your divorce, when you understand your thoughts, you recognize your thoughts, you learn from your thoughts, you’ll see that the thoughts that you’re having, usually, while I shouldn’t even say usually, always end up in your results, right? So if for example, I’m going to be a little bit colorful right now, you think your ex is an asshole. He’s probably going to result in being?

Jeff 04:24
An asshole.

Doreen 04:25
Correct.

Jeff 04:26
In your thought. In your mind.

Doreen 04:28
And in reality, right? He’ll act and do things that one might consider or you will consider being blank link.

Jeff 04:37
When you say you consider not even if other people consider it. It’s other people’s thoughts, and it’s your thoughts.

Doreen 04:43
Correct.

Jeff 04:44
Some people may love the guy or girl.

Doreen 04:45
Yeah. But if you were to change your thought to something that you can believe such as maybe he’s a good dad.

Jeff 04:55
At one time we were friends.

Doreen 04:57
Correct. He’s got some good qualities. Maybe he’s a good provider. Financially, something like this, you can just grasp some thought that’s positive, it’s going to lead to better results in your co-parenting relationships. That’s getting a little deep. But let’s turn to the, but I think it’s an overview, you know, circumstance, thought, feelings, action results. So we’re on the feeling line today.

Jeff 05:20
And before we go there, I also like to point out, it’s really interesting how you can work the model backwards.

Doreen 05:26
Absolutely.

Jeff 05:26
If you’re looking at your results in your life, and you’re not liking them, then take a take a step backwards, well, what actions have you taken to change them?

Doreen 05:37
Well, what actions resulted in the result?

Jeff 05:40
How can you change the result, you can say, these are the actions I need to take. And to have these actions. I need to feel like this and have this kind of thought about it. So that’s what makes the model so beautiful, it can uncover a lot of things. But it also can lead you to change a lot of things.

Doreen 05:58
Yeah. And if you’re going to start in your result line, maybe what you should do first, and this is what we do in coaching, is start with your actual unintentional model, which is what is the reality of what’s happening right now. So you take your result, whatever it is, and you work backwards. What was the action that got you into that result? What was the the feeling behind the action? What was the thought and what was the circumstance, then you can start to gently move into what we call the intentional model, which is, let’s start with the results we want. What thoughts do we have to have and then just fill in all the blanks.

Jeff 06:38
I think it’s about awareness, too, because I think the unintentional is that things are happening to you that you’re not even aware of, or you’re not, it’s happening on autopilot.

Doreen 06:47
You know, what I think is really interesting, because I read a lot as you know, Jeff, and I was reading a book recently, it’s called As a Man Thinketh by James Allen, and it was actually written in the 1800s. And it’s about thought work. It’s about basically you are who you think you are, and your thoughts.

Jeff 07:09
It’s amazing how many different authors, different..

Doreen 07:14
They all teach the same. We all, I mean, whether it’s Ben A Brown,

Jeff 07:19
Or you have in the past yet, Zig Ziglar, Anthony Robbins, today’s big on it.

Doreen 07:24
Yeah. Well, and there’s so many, you know, yogi’s and Buddhist and just thinkers in general, it’s all the same.

Jeff 07:33
It’s all the same.

Doreen 07:34
It’s all about how your thoughts control the results in your life. Right? And it’s just taught different ways. And we happen to use the model.

Jeff 07:43
Exactly.

Doreen 07:44
Which we learned from our coach. Yes, right at the Life Coach School.

Jeff 07:48
So it’s an amazing resource tool that not only we use to coach, but we actually coach you on how to coach yourself on it.

Doreen 07:57
Yeah.

Jeff 07:58
You know, because you know, being able to control your own thoughts when we’re not around is a big part of it. Yeah.

Doreen 08:06
So feelings.

Jeff 08:08
Feelings.

Doreen 08:09
Yeah. What’s really interesting about the feeling line is that most people think that their feelings..

Jeff 08:17
Create the circumstance or create the, the thought that they’re having. So if you’re feeling angry about something, you might think that your feeling of being angry might create the thought of he’s an asshole or she’s an asshole. But it’s the other way around. Because you think that way, you have become angry.

Doreen 08:40
Right, which is the feeling.

Jeff 08:42
Yes. So to be able to control your feelings, you have to have a certain thought that serves your desire, what kind of feelings you want to have?

Doreen 08:52
Well, and it’s important to start with a fundamental understanding what a feeling is, right?

Jeff 08:56
Right.

Doreen 08:57
A feeling really is a vibration in your body. It’s how you identify if somebody asks you how you’re feeling, you know, other than just saying I’m good, which most people do, if you dig deep and you understand your feeling – your feeling is going to be somehow identified as usually an adjective.

Jeff 09:18
Yeah, I mean, for an example, if you’re feeling angry, you might feel the tension in your neck for an example, if you’re feeling hungry, you get the feeling in your gut.

Doreen 09:33
Hungry is different. A hungry is a physical sensation.

Jeff 09:37
Right. But you can feel physical sensations on any feeling, so let’s say you were gonna say happy.

Doreen 09:44
Right. So if you’re having a physical sensation, you feel it like hunger.

Jeff 09:49
Right.

Doreen 09:49
But if you’re having an emotional sensation, like anger, or I was saying happiness, happiness to you might feel that you have like energized.

Jeff 09:58
Or euphoria, almost you’re getting a high.

Doreen 10:01
Correct. So talking about feelings in the model..

Jeff 10:06
Right. And what happens is when you have these certain feelings that serve you, then the downline works a lot better and the results that you want from your life.

Doreen 10:17
Because we all know that and we’ve all done things in our past from a set, from a feeling that we probably regretted.

Jeff 10:25
Yes.

Doreen 10:26
And after the feeling goes away, you cool down, right? You regain yourself in your control. And you’re able to look at something more rationally and not act from a place of feeling, the feeling line. You might say something like, “Why did I say that? Or why did I do that? You know, I regret that”. And then you’ve got the feeling that you dealt with, let’s just say it was anger. And now you’re dealing with the feeling maybe of resentment of being, I’m sorry, regretful. And so now you got a double whammy.

Jeff 10:58
And I think that’s the best way that I know you have always told me to do this is to slow down, take a deep breath. I had a client the other day that I was speaking to just about this. When I asked the client to tell me something good that’s happened to you this week. They couldn’t think of anything.

Doreen 11:18
Yeah, she had some difficulty.

Jeff 11:20
Yes, yes. And then when I did finally get her to take a deep breath, slow down. Oh, yeah, I forgot about this, right.

Doreen 11:30
There’s always good things that happen, right?

Jeff 11:32
So if you take a deep breath, it also opens up your mind to be able to control your thoughts. What thoughts do I want to have right now?

Doreen 11:44
How do I want to feel?

Jeff 11:45
What serves me the most and how I want to feel? You’re right.

Doreen 11:48
I think that’s why there’s a lot of work done with affirmations, journaling, and breath work meditation.

Jeff 11:56
Absolutely.

Doreen 11:57
Because, you know, you could wake up in the morning and be in a bad mood, right? Maybe you just woke up that way. Maybe something triggered it. You looked at your phone, you saw a message you didn’t like I don’t know if something happened, right? Maybe even you looked outside and the weather was not nice. And so you’re like blah today the feeling is blah, or the feeling is disappointment, or the feeling is anger, you know, is that the way you want to carry forward with your day with that feeling? And so when you’re able to slow down and to regroup, just looking at the fact that you woke up and you’re alive, could be enough just to change your thought and be appreciative of the day. It’s that slowing down that’s so important. Especially after, and when you’re dealing with divorce, because there’s so much potential negative thought going on, there’s so much opportunity to really have your thoughts control you in a negative way, and to have thoughts that don’t serve you, right?

Jeff 12:53
Well, remember, we have 60 to 70,000 thoughts per day. When you’re going through a divorce, how many of those are negative, and how many of those are positive? You know, I’m sure you’re dealing with a lot of crap out there. And to be able to control that thought, to control your feelings. Wow, that’s definitely going to empower you, you are going to feel so much more enthusiasm, enthusiasm about your future and about your life to be and what’s coming up. That it’s definitely worth just taking that little bit of time, do a little bit of stretching, do a little bit of deep breathing, and do some thought work that I guarantee you, it will pay you back to fold.

Doreen 13:41
Yeah. So the first thing is to as we talk about is to identify, let’s say on feeling, the feelings, that you’re having. And if you want a list of feelings, we have a comprehensive list that we could forward to you. Just send us a note and we’ll send it to you. But basically, you know, I like to keep it handy so that I can kind of have it as a reference to how am I feeling today. So one of the things that we do on a daily basis, we check into how we’re feeling. Not only our thoughts, but how am I feeling today? You know, and how do I want to feel there are times that you want to feel sad for example, we lost Jeff’s dad this past Sunday. We we want to feel sad. We are mourning that loss. It is a feeling that we anticipate with a death with something negative. And that’s okay. We want to be in that place and mourn his death and then celebrate his life of course, but you know, there are times when feeling certain negative feelings are appropriate. We don’t want you to push those feelings down or would we recommend that but there’s other times when your feelings are really, just not in a good place. And that’s where, where this slowing down really comes in handy. What am I thinking, that’s causing this feeling? What is this thought that I’m having that’s causing this feeling? And do I want to have this thought, and if you do, such as the death of, of our father, okay, then accept that and let’s move on and just mourn and be sad.

Jeff 15:26
I think the bottom line in what you’re the point you’re trying to make is whether the thought that you’re having of sadness is serving you or not serving you, we want you to understand that it’s normal, your feelings are going to be normal, whether they’re intentional or unintentional. Where the difference is here, what we’re talking about is figuring out if it’s what you want, obviously, the death in a family, you want to feel sad. I mean, that’s, that’s normal. If it’s something that you’re going through with the divorce, that doesn’t serve you and is hurting your results, then it’s something you don’t want. We want you to be able to understand how to control that and how to change that. But most of the times when you’re going through a divorce, these feelings are going to be normal. And that’s why we want you to be able to accept them.

Doreen 16:24
Well, there’s another point I want to make about feelings that’s really important is don’t buffer. So buffering is when you’re trying to avoid a feeling you don’t like. And it’s very commonplace for this to occur. Buffering are artificially stimulations that basically provide you a false or it’s a real dopamine hit. Physically, it’s real, such as drinking alcohol, using drugs, watching porn, gambling, surfing the internet, can be a way of buffering, shopping, sugar, eating, eating sugar, sugar is a false dopamine because physically, what it does is let’s just take drinking alcohol, what it does is it gives you a dopamine hit, and a feeling of euphoria. And so a lot of people will use whatever their use, there are substances or their means of buffering to avoid a feeling. And what happens is, when you avoid a feeling, and I have we have other podcast episodes about this, when you avoid a feeling, it’s still going to be there. You’re you’re not dealing with it. And quite frankly, now you’re dealing with another double situation, because you usually are going to have regret about buffering, eating, what you shouldn’t eat, drinking, what you shouldn’t drink as examples, right? Wasting time surfing the net, when you should be working. I mean, I can go on and on. And so now you never got rid of the feeling. You never went past it and through it and dealt with it. And now you got the buffering issue on top of it that you’re dealing with.

Jeff 17:59
You’ve made it worse.

Doreen 18:00
You’ve made it worse. And so identifying that if you are buffering, to avoid your feelings, is something that we also recommend, and we work with our clients on, you know, how are they buffering? What are they buffering? When do they want to buffer, you know, is this buffering becoming a regular habit and part of maybe how they’re trying to heal or get past the divorce, as opposed to just dealing with the uncomfortable feelings? And how you can change them? Again, by working with your thought line.

Jeff 18:34
Exactly. Well, I think what we need to move into now is how this leads into the next part of our series, because the feelings will create some kind of an action. And it could be either an action or it could be doing nothing, which is still an inaction, which is still some kind of an action because when you’re doing nothing, you’re still doing something.

Doreen 18:56
And I would just to circle back on buffering. buffering is the action line of feeling negative, like I had a stressful day at work today or dealing with the kids. And so I’m gonna have a drink. That’s the action line is having the drink. You know, if you’re feeling stressed, the action line is the drink.

Jeff 19:17
Yeah. Or it could be, I went to yoga.

Doreen 19:20
Right. Well, then it would be in a better action direction. How many times have you just, for me, you know, we live in Florida. So we’re lucky in the sense that we can, it’s beautiful today we can just when we’re not feeling in a good feeling place, we can just take a walk and I can tell you for me, it’s amazing. I not only get my exercise in, but I also can change my feelings. How many times do you go for a walk? And if you’re feeling upset or angry, and you come back and you’re still upset and angry? I mean really think about it or go to yoga.

Jeff 19:51
Or more important, empowering question how many times you come back from your walk and you forgot what you were upset about?

Doreen 19:58
Yeah, I mean, it’s amazing, how we have such control over many things in our life that we believe we don’t have control of, but we really do.

Jeff 20:08
It’s our frontal cortex that we do our smart thinking from.

Doreen 20:12
That’s really what our coaching is all about. Right?

Jeff 20:15
Exactly. So again, just to recap, we have our circumstances leading to our thoughts, leading to our feelings. And now next week, we’re going to tackle actions, and what actions you can take to give you the results that you want to create the amazing life you want after divorce.

Doreen 20:37
Absolutely. 100%.

Jeff 20:39
Yes. So until then, have an amazing week. And looking forward to talking to you next week. And we will talk to you soon. Bye, bye. You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad- coaching.com. That’s LAD as in lad-coaching.com.

Doreen 21:17
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can..

Doreen & Jeff 21:24
Have an amazing life after divorce.

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