Ep. 134 – Actions

Jeff 00:00
Welcome to Episode 134, which is actually part four of five of our series on the Elements of the Model. So today we’re going to be discussing “Actions”. So if you’re ready, let’s get started.

Doreen 00:22
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the Life After Divorce that you deserve, and desire. As partners, both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life, the best chapter.

Jeff 00:54
Hi Doreen, how are you?

Doreen 00:55
I’m great. How are you?

Jeff 00:57
Good. Good. You had a you had a suggestion on how to start the episode today, which was it?

Doreen 01:01
You know what, I want to start it like you do with your coaching clients. The clients that we have.

Jeff 01:06
Yeah, every time we get started with our coaching session, I ask give me some wins. What are some of the victories and wins that you’ve had since we’ve last spoke last week?

Doreen 01:18
Yeah.

Jeff 01:18
And you sometimes you have to wait a little bit, you know, thinking about it. But I’d like to start off with victory. So what are some of your victories? Or at least give me one?

Doreen 01:28
Okay, so one for me would be something exciting. So I have as you know, a second law firm that I’m starting, called SplytUp. It’s spelled SplytUp. And the Florida law firm for uncontested divorces, which really means divorces that people work through and not using the court system, only using the court system for the purpose of the final hearing, basically, and for filing. But everything else is done outside of litigation. So it’s kind of like Do It Yourself meets law firm, and a lot of technology. And I have an amazing portal exclusive to our split up clients. And what I think is really going to be amazing about this new firm is it, it also incorporates a lot of our life coaching skills. Because, you know, the main reason I believe that people and again, just to give this some background, especially for new listeners, I’ve been practicing family law, as a litigation attorney, board certified for going on 30 years. So I’ve done major litigation, and there is a place for that for certain cases. But the main reason that cases in my mind don’t settle is because of people’s thoughts. We just talked about that last episode, right? And because of the thoughts that they have, it really keeps them distant from each other and unable to settle. Because eventually the cases settle. If only approximately 5% of the cases actually go to a trial, what happens in between, because really, the law is not that complicated. The law, we can figure out. It’s numbers, mostly. Now you do have some cases where you have child issues. And I’m taking that aside, because obviously, if you have major child issues, that’s different. But most of the cases that deal primarily with numbers, money, okay. How we’re going to divide this and how much support is being paid generally, and who’s going to pay for the fees? Those are number issues. And so we know more or less how it’s going to happen, what’s gonna happen.

Jeff 03:36
And I also think, the reason I’m very excited, not only for you, but about SplytUp itself is, the thoughts that are created by the process, the divorce process, you’re changing the whole, the whole scope of the of the process is how it’s not dealing with the courts, the lawyer battles, the courtroom battles. So I think your thoughts about getting divorce are gonna be much more positive, going in this different direction.

Doreen 04:07
There has to be a change because the legal system is broken, right? It just is. And you know, when you think about it, these are family issues. And the parties really are the best to resolve them with the guidance of legal understandings, meaning there’s Do It Yourself sites out there. But my caution with those is how do you know what to agree to if you don’t understand the law, and they can’t advise you because they’re not a law firm. So we are SplytUp is a Florida law firm that also blends the technology and leverages the cost. So it’s very reasonable, which I can’t do my litigation practice, Yaffa Family Law Group. So yeah, that’s my win. It was a little long winded and I apologize.

Jeff 04:52
Well, no, that’ll be our first commercial.

Doreen 04:55
Come, check it out.

Jeff 04:56
You know, I think my win is every time I go to the website and see somebody else has registered for our webinar.

Doreen 05:05
That’s a win.

Jeff 05:05
You know, the earlier in the episode you heard about our webinar that’s coming up. And I’m so excited about it, because not only it’s our first webinar, but I think that the people that register are interested in what we have to say. And I, every time we hear whether there’s 30-50 100 people register, you know, I just get excited about it, because I think we get to share our passion with helping other people.

Doreen 05:33
Well you know what, how this life after divorce coaching all got started was because of my interest in really trying to cultivate better ways of getting divorce in my litigation practice, and helping clients with thought work, right, so that they could be in a better place and get that fast jumpstart to a better life and not be stuck, you know, unnecessarily really. And so that’s what really started as originally, this your amazing divorce. Amazing, because you will have an amazing life after and then when you join partnership with me, which was so amazing. We change the name to life after divorce coaching. So you know, this webinar, whether you become a client in the future, or you know, somebody that could benefit from coaching, I want you to walk away, we want you to walk away from this webinar, like it with a real good understanding of some tools you can use to move your life in the right direction. And whether it’s because you’re coming out of the divorce, and that’s what brought you here or just using what we’re going to teach you in any aspect of your life. It is amazing, it has blown my mind as to what you and I have done with our thought work. And really, there’s no end in sight as to what you can create your goals and what you want. I mean, if you can learn this work, you can have anything.

Jeff 06:58
Yeah, I’d like you to walk away from the webinar empowered. I mean, empowerment is so important, especially after divorce. Because the divorce process can take away a lot of your personal power, your personal confidence, it can really, really change how you feel about yourself, I want you to leave this webinar, feeling totally empowered, and confident, ready to face the new life ahead of you.

Doreen 07:28
Oh, and that’s what we’re talking about today. So this long, a preface to that is an interlude into today’s topic, which is action. What actions are you taking? To get what results, you need to identify both. In order to create a life that you want, a life that you’re proud of a life that, as I like to say blows your own mind.

Jeff 07:57
Like we said in our last episode. If you’re coming into this episode for the first time, and you don’t understand what the model is, or don’t understand why we’re starting at actions or what’s going on here. We do recommend that you go back to Episode 131, 132 and 133 and listen to those episodes to get caught up on what in the heck we’re talking about.

Doreen 08:19
Yeah, yeah, you’ll be a little lost. Maybe if, if you don’t if you haven’t done this work before. So let’s talk about action. Action is in the model. So we have the circumstance, we have the thought about the circumstance, we have the feeling that stems from the thought. And then we have the action that we take generally as a result of that feeling, right. Last episode, we talked about anger as an example. And maybe some action that you would take from that place, right and how that might not serve you in the results that you’re looking for. So the action line is the the actual, I call the verb, what you’re doing. But there’s also the other part of that, which could be the inaction you’re taking. You could choose not to take action. You know, a lot of that happens when you’re thinking of when you have thoughts that that create feelings like procrastination, confusion, for example. You know, confusion is one of those things so you’re confused that you’re feeling or maybe overwhelmed. So you don’t take any action, you just sit in inaction.

Jeff 09:30
Again, keep in mind just like that rush song that says if you choose not to decide you’ve still made a choice. So even if you decide not to do anything, that is an action, which is still considered an inaction but it is still some type of action doing nothing.

Doreen 09:49
Right.

Jeff 09:49
You know, when I thought about actions, I thought about the famous saying you shall reap what you sow. So you’ll get out of your feelings, the actions that you put into it. So in other words, when you put something into your feelings by your thoughts, those actions that are going to come from it are going to be what you want to put into it.

Doreen 10:14
Right. You know, some of the the mindsets that we try to have in order to create the action line that you want is to live as if you’re already there. How would that person act? What actions would you take? For example, let’s just say body, let’s say you’re a person that’s, that’s in great shape, right? You want to, you want to be in great shape, whatever that is for you. What would the action be on a daily purse day, on a daily day, per day that you would take? If you were already there? Well, some of the things might that you would have a good diet, you would eat well, you would exercise, you would have consistency and all these things, right? So you want to imagine yourself already in that place, successful, whatever it is for you, and then work your action lines backwards,

Jeff 11:11
There are quite a few motivational speakers that talk about it. And they call it future tense focus. So in other words, future tense focus. So in other words, you’re thinking about the future, but you’re living it today.

Doreen 11:25
Correct.

Jeff 11:26
Okay. In other words, you’re dressing for success now.

Doreen 11:29
You have an attitude of success.

Jeff 11:31
You have an attitude of success. Now you’re doing what it takes to stay successful now, because you’re already there, but you have to still get there. But in your mind, you’re already there, because you’re doing what it takes to stay there.

Doreen 11:43
Because you know, when we think about it, and if we want to be truthful with ourselves, right, most of us know what we need to do in order to reach the results that we want. And if we don’t know, we can certainly get the information out there. Right. There’s a lot of great tools, from the internet, to books to teachers, to coaches like us that can help and guide you and give you the tools you need. And the tools are generally the action line. Right?

Jeff 12:12
Exactly.

Doreen 12:13
In order to meet your your result. What do you have to do?

Jeff 12:17
about it as prep work. You know, when you’re thinking about your amazing life after divorce in the future? How are you going to prepare for that today? So you’re going to set your goals, your actions, your thoughts on what you want your life to look like? Are you going to be in shape? Are you going to be stress free? Are you going to have a great attitude?

Doreen 12:42
Are you going to be financially secure?

Jeff 12:44
A great relationship with your kids? Maybe even a great co parenting relationship with your ex, right? But you have to prepare for that today.

Doreen 12:53
Well, they’re preparing is the action that we’re talking about. So you know, the question is, how do you get there? How do you do it, and I’m going to use a Nike slogan.

Jeff 13:05
Just do it.

Doreen 13:06
You just do it. You do it, even when you don’t want to. You do it even when your primitive brain tells you a million reasons. And they sound good as to why you’re not going to get up and go work out today. Or why you’re not going to make those phone calls on those potential clients that you’re trying to get in. Or why you’re not going to take your kids out to build a better relationship because they want to go out and you’re too tired. You just do it

Jeff 13:33
Now also, what you just said is true. However, as coaches we look at this the other way around, when you’re talking about you’re wise, if you list down the reason why you’re going to do something. Yeah, the reason why you want it so bad. That is going to overcome your primitive brain that’s going to tell you to stay in bed. You like the comfort zones, in front of the TV is much more comfortable. Yeah, the why is going to be much stronger and it’s going to get your but your butt out of bed, and get in the gym. Yeah, it’s but you’re why you have to constantly think about why you’re doing this.

Doreen 14:17
Because the why is what drives the action line.

Jeff 14:20
You know, the why is, the why is thought. The whyis your thoughts. That’s going to create your feelings of excitement to get up out of bed and go to the gym. The why is just your thoughts, write them down, put them all over the board. That’s an affirmation. An affirmation is a thought.

Doreen 14:39
And be ready for the obstacles. You know, when you’re speaking about actions. You want to be ready for obstacles. So I like to when I have a goal work backwards. Here’s the result I want. Here’s how I need to get there, which is the action line we’re talking about. And then I also take it a step further and I write down the obstacles Then I’m going to encounter along the way that I can anticipate now. Because if I can anticipate whatever obstacles are going to come up, okay, then I can figure out right there on that piece of paper. If this obstacle comes up with which I anticipate, here’s the action that I’m gonna take, when that happens, it’s kind of like a simple handbook.

Jeff 15:22
You mean, there’s going to be obstacles, there’s always going to be failures?

Doreen 15:26
There is nothing that you’re going to achieve in life, that you’re not going to fail along the way. I like to call it failing forward. And I celebrate failures, because to me a failure means Oh, that didn’t work. Let me try this instead, it’s one more step closer to the results you want.

Jeff 15:44
And I think that’s so important when it comes to actions, taking part of analyzing what’s going on around you just becoming aware of why you do or you don’t do things correct, you know, and base it on where your feelings came from, and why you did it. And what thoughts created that action?

Doreen 16:08
Absolutely. Well, I think that’s a pretty good understanding about action.

Jeff 16:12
And if we, if we didn’t cover something, please send us a note. You know, do whatever you can to get a hold of us. But we definitely want to help you to understand that your actions are going to create what we’re talking about next week, which is those results.

Doreen 16:13
Yeah, that’s my favorite part. Yeah. I mean, it’s all my favorite part. But I love the result, mindset. Having those goals in place, you know, I’m big on goals. I just find them to be so invigorating. And so, you know, what’s amazing about divorce, and there are good things about it is that now you can start to really craft your life and the next chapter, how you want it, once you see it as and really pick out some amazing goals for yourself, which are the results

Jeff 17:04
Thinking about how many divorces you’ve done, and how many cases you’ve heard from them and saying how happy they are now and they’ve met somebody new or they’ve just they’re in a much better place now. It definitely gives us a purpose as well. That’s one of our why’s.

Doreen 17:20
Yeah, I mean, you know, you will get through this and you will be okay. Absolutely. 100%. The question is, How soon do you want to get there? And do you want to be focused as focused as you can? Because the goal of our podcast is to give you some of the tools that we believe will help you to get there sooner than later.

Jeff 17:42
Absolutely. Absolutely. All right, well, next week results. Till then, bye bye.

Doreen 17:49
Have an amazing week, my friends, bye.

Jeff 17:59
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com. That’s LAD as in lad-coaching.com.

Doreen 18:21
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can..

Doreen & Jeff 18:28
Have an amazing life after divorce.