Ep. 14 – Turning Down The Volume

Hello, my beautiful friends. How are you doing? All right. Maybe that was a little loud. I’m sorry. I’m a little rowdy. I’ve been dealing with my business mind a lot lately focused on business. I have a law firm, as you all know, doing family law. I have a life coaching business. Um, I do the podcast and I’m opening up a second law.

More about that later, it’s called your divorce loss center and, uh, it’s gonna be amazing, but it has required a lot of my energy lately. So I wanna thank you. I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart, because I feel so blessed to be able to. A time out from my business mind and my business focus and be with you to talk about self-help, to talk about how I can help you and we can get through to the better side of our most amazing life.

I hope you’re enjoying the episodes and that you are starting to heal from your divorce. Remember. That this too will pass. The question is my friend. Are you learning? Are you growing? Are you rediscovering yourself through the journey? Remember, that’s why I named the podcast, your amazing divorce, amazing.

And that you can use adversity. Of everything you’re growing through now to grow and learn from and create the life you always wanted. And remember, yes, you can, you can have an amazing life. What if I told you that your divorce could end up being one of the best things that could happen to you? I’m Doreen, Yaa, marital, and family, lawyer, and certified life.

I’ve been coaching and consulting women for over 26 years. I’ve seen it all. Now. I’m sharing my expertise and my own personal experiences to help you turn a difficult time into your amazing divorce. Today. We’re gonna talk about turning down the volume on negative thoughts. I know I talk a lot about thoughts, but our thoughts create feelings that create action or in action that create the results in our life.

Now, how do we know if our thoughts aren’t serving us? We know because of the results we have or we don’t have. So today is about turning down the volume. Let me talk quietly, as I say that about turning down the volume on negative thoughts. So let’s get started. What role do your thoughts play when life doesn’t go your way?

Like when you’re dealing with divorce. Divorce is not something we plan. Obviously when we marry, even with a prenuptial agreement, most of us enter into a marriage expecting the best and to be together for a long time, maybe even forever, whatever that means. But today I wanna talk with you about using our thoughts to rebuild something that has fallen apart, like a marriage.

How many of you really understand that our thoughts are shaping our life on so many levels when things don’t go as planned, like when our marriage is, or has fallen apart, our thoughts can take over and spiral us into a really bad unproductive place. We start thinking about things involuntarily like, well, if he would’ve tried harder or not cheated or been a better provider husband, father, we would still be together.

Or you might have thoughts, like my friends have a better marriage than I do. I always pick the losers or the divorce was not my fault or life is so unfair or maybe the thought is I will never have a good relationship or all the good guys are taken. Do any of these thoughts sound familiar to you? Do they, what are your thoughts stemming from your divorce, but did you know that all that negative talk is just your mind playing tricks on you?

It doesn’t serve you at all to think negative thoughts, but they’re there and they’re going to continue to be there because we are human. And so you need to be honest with yourself about whether you are one of those people out there that has a tendency to get stuck in the negative of things. Because if you are, you may want to change the negative thoughts and start to create new thoughts.

Just little new thoughts. Doesn’t have to be gigantic steps, little steps. That will project you to a better life because did you know that all that negative thinking is getting in the way of what you want the life you can have and the life that my friend yes, you do deserve. So let’s talk today. About changing negative chatter turning down that volume.

Right? Cause it’s always gonna be there, but we can turn it down. So are you struggling with negative thoughts? Are you struggling with how to change them? Living in that mentality of the glass is half empty instead of half full. So the first thing I want you to consider. Is to identify what your negative thoughts are.

Can you do that? Really? Sit down, write them all down, all those thoughts about your divorce, everything, get it down on paper. So rewarding. So cleansing, and then take a moment and look at them. Look at what you wrote. So, as an example, one of my clients is having. This ever ending nagging negative thought that she is not interested in dating ever again.

That’s what she tells me, because she will never find a nice guy because there are no nice guys out there. So I asked her, I said, so is what you’re saying is what you’re thinking is that there are no good guys out there. And she said yes. And I said, let me ask you a question. Is that a true statement? And so I ask you, is that a true statement?

Is it true that there are no good guys out there? And I would venture to say that probably most of you, if not all of you. Would say that’s not a truthful statement. I know a good guy. My dad’s a good guy. My uncle’s a good guy. My friend’s a good guy. You know, my son is a good guy that there are in fact, good guys out there.

And so I had her try that on first for size. What I said to her is your statement, your negative thought. True. Would you agree that in the entire universe, there are some good guys. And she was like, well, yeah, of course. I guess so. So the first thing I want you to do after you write your negative thoughts down after you think about them, stop and ask yourself, is this thought true?

Is it a true statement? Because most negative statements are not even true statement and let, so let’s assume that we can, at least as my client and I agreed agree that most negative statements are not an absolute a hundred percent truthful. Give all no, no questions asked state. That’s the first thing.

Now, the next thing that I wanted her to do was to identify the opposite thought. So when her thought is, there are no good guys out there, what is the opposite thought to that one? Pretty easy, right? The opposite thought is there are good guys out there. So now I ask you. The negative thought of there are no good guys out there.

I think most of us agree, as I said before, that that’s false. That there’s at least one good guy out there in the world. Truth be told. So now compare that with the opposite thought. And that’s what I want you to do the opposite thought of your negative thought. There are good guys out there and can you see how.

When you change your thinking and you think about the complete opposite thought, not that I’m asking you to run to that thought, believe that thought. Totally, but just think about it for a minute, that there are some good guys out there. It gives you a different feeling. It feels like a different vibration in your body.

It gives you the sense of hope. And it makes you think that yes, there could be a guy out there, a good guy and maybe one, even for me. Who knows. So I can bring, in another example of this, that was like eye opening for me. Um, so I was one of those people who is constantly dealing with getting it all done.

And I have a lot of anxiety about this. I’ve talked to about this on other episodes. I used to get my day going and write it out, all the things I wanted to get off my to-do list that day. And I would like start to deal with this anxiety that I don’t have enough time to get it all done. And then I would end up spiraling into this place of overwhelming anxiety.

That only made things worse for me, as I could have been spending all that time, I was worrying and dealing with overwhelm, getting something accomplished. So my negative thought of, I don’t have enough time to get this all done today was a falsehood. That I had pre-programmed into my brain from a very young age, for a lot of reasons that I’ve dealt with and I’ve been continuing to deal with and work on myself.

Like I said, whatever I do with you, whatever I talk to you about, I coach myself on and it is a never ending process because that thought that I was having that I don’t have enough time to get this all done today. It. Not true because there is no one in this entire world that can get everything done in one day.

Not even the most efficient person can finish everything. It’s a lie because it’s just not something that is possible. So if you’re looking at your statement, if you’re thinking about your statement and whether it’s true or not, you have to also think about, is it something that’s real? Can it really be accomplished?

When I sat there and I understood that I can’t get it all done in one day that no one can get it done in one day. It was such a relief for me. It was this huge weight off my shoulders, off my brain. And I was able to take a timeout and to rethink it, to say, I’m okay if I don’t get it all done, it’s not negative.

I don’t need to beat myself. Up about this, you see, I can be kind to myself and I want you to be kind to yourself. And when I was thinking about how much I beat myself up about not getting it all done, I took a better look at it. And I thought, why would I treat myself so harshly? I mean, if I was speaking to one of my best friends, I would never tell her that she’s a loser.

If she didn’t get it all done in one day. So why would I do that to myself? Think about that. When you’re hard on yourself, would you expect the same of your friend, someone you truly care about? And if the answer is no, then I beg you to have the same compassion for yourself. When I learned how to change that messaging to myself from I have to get it all done to, I will make my best effort to get these things done and I’ll save some things for tomorrow.

And the next day on a on and on, I found that I was in much. A much better emotional place. I was kinder and loving to myself. And then I actually started to get more done. Again, thoughts, create feelings, create actions, create results. The thought that I had that I didn’t have to do it all in one day, gave me a feeling of.

Focus, but calmness, if that makes sense from that place, my action was to get organized and focused on what I could realistically accomplish. And then my result was I got more. Accomplished. You see the goal here? Isn’t to miraculously eliminate negative thinking. It just goes with life. Things happen like a divorce and yes, we have negative thoughts, thoughts about things that we don’t like that happen to us.

It’s a human experience. My friend. But the goal is to turn down the volume on the negative, thinking to realize when we have them the negative thoughts and to consciously choose a more truthful, better thought when you have negative thoughts. The first thing is to know that they are there, like recognize that the thought is.

Then ask yourself, is it true? Is it possible? And is it true? And then identify the polar opposite thought? Like my client who said there’s no good guys out there. Not true. There are good guys out there. And she started to shift her thinking to. There are good guys up there, like equated to this when you’re turning down the volume on your negative thoughts, because they’re gonna be there.

You just wanna tone ’em down. If you’re listening to a song. It’s a song that you kind of like, but you’re not really sure. And the volume’s up loud and you’re like, mm, I don’t know if I like this song or not. I think I need to turn the volume down a little bit, cuz it’s kind of like screaming in my ear and I know that that’s like not pleasant.

So if I turn it down and I listen to the beat and I kind of get with it a little bit, maybe it can flow with me a little better and I might end up liking. Or maybe moving on to a different. So, how do we turn down the volume of negative thinking, especially negative thinking. That’s so prominent from divorce.

I like to do this little exercise with myself and I welcome you to try the same, do something kind for yourself. Really take a time out. There’s nothing wrong with stopping your day for a few minutes. And giving yourself something good to feel about. It’s very simple to turn a negative feeling to a good feeling.

If you give yourself the opportunity to do it. So what makes you get to your happy place for me? It’s being here with you today, but I also use my fur babies to get to a good place. I love. Looking at my little dogs, taking them for a walk, their names are blue and Coda and dealing with them, playing with them.

It takes me about 15 minutes to walk this little circle around my neighborhood. We’re on the water. So I mean the smell of the water, the dogs, the atmosphere, it’s relaxing. And I find that when I come back to my office, I’m in a much better place now, not everyone can just get up and go take a 15 minute walk with their dogs.

Right. But you can call a friend. You can look at a nice message. You can look at a picture of your children. There’s a lot of you can think about being at the beach. Like you can mentally take a little time out meditation for a few minutes, even at your desk and you can go there. So think about turning down the volume by bring yourself to a happy place.

So let’s recap about turning down the volume on our negative thoughts. First thing, ask yourself, is this true? Second thing, ask yourself, is this thought helpful? Third thing, ask yourself, is this a kind thought if you answer no to any of these questions, then the next step is to rework the thought to one that is true, helpful, and kind, and to use whatever tools available to help to get you to a better happier, calmer place.

And don’t beat yourself up my friend, when you have negative thoughts, it’s okay. Again, it’s just part of the 50 50 in life. It is only negative. If you stay there and spiral there. The next time you’re dealing with something negative. Ask yourself, am I focused on the problem or am I focused on the solution?

I have to constantly remind myself of this one. I use symbols as well to keep me grounded. And I encourage you to do the. I have a compass on my desk. Sometimes I carry it with me. Sometimes I even put it in my hand and kind of play with it. Hold. I picked it up at a cool antique shop. When I saw it, I don’t know.

It was like calling to me and I said, why am I so drawn to this compass? And I kind of just thought about it. I was holding it in my hand. It’s rather heavy. I think it’s made a brass and I. I get it. Now, the universe you’re telling me to hold this compass to put it where I can see it so that it can remind me that I can take my negative thought loop into a different direction, like a compass guiding me.

So when you’re going through your thoughts about divorce, You’re still healing from your divorce. And this will go on. It could go on for days, years, months, who knows takes time. I strongly encourage you to put little messages and symbols around you to make you feel good. And to remind you to be aware of your thoughts, I like to use post-its treat yourself to beautiful flowers, light a candle.

Hell I think creating a big poster. With all kinds of great messaging on it. Not only would be therapeutic, but be, could be a great thing for you to hang up on your wall. Whenever you need to look at it, you want these things around you to give you the clues, to help you to remember, to treat yourself with kindness, to shift you in the better direction to turn down the negative.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you go through negative thought or from a negative thought to a super happy state as that would be concerning on a different level. Right? These sometimes are baby steps, but habits, new habits can be formed. So the goal here for me, with you, my friend, is to get you to a better place, a kinder place, a happier place.

Step at a time to help you to focus on creating the life you want. The life you deserve. One step at a. All right. My friends go out there in the world, create beautiful things for yourself. Treat yourself kindly and have a most amazing week. And until next time, have an amazing rest of the day. And remember, yes, you can buy everybody.

Thanks so much for listening for tips, updates, and expert advice. Be sure to visit your amazing divorce.com. And remember my friends. Yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce. See you there. Views expressed by the participants of this program are their own and do not represent the views of nor are they endorsed by YFA family law group or your divorce law center, their respective officers, directors, employees, agents, or representatives.

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