Ep. 143 – Find and then Create Yourself

Jeff 00:00
Hello, everybody out there. Today we’re going to be discussing the difference between finding yourself and creating yourself. So if you’re ready, let’s get started Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before?

Doreen 00:23
We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve, and desire. As partners, both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life, the best chapter.

Jeff 00:49
Hello, Doreen, how are you?

Doreen 00:50
I’m great. How are you?

Jeff 00:52
Doing amazing.

Doreen 00:53
Yeah

Jeff 00:53
Doing amazing.

Doreen 00:54
Good, good. That’s good to know. So I like to first just talk about how we come up with episode topics. Because I know we’ve mentioned it before. But, you know there really isn’t like a set way we do it, other than what we feel inspired to talk about. And I guess we do a lot of listening to our clients, of course, whether it’s clients and coaching, or my clients, you know, in the divorce arena. And so this episode today came as a result of an email that you had sent, that I was copied on. So you want to explain how that came to be?

Jeff 00:57
I consider myself lucky to have the interaction with my clients, and future clients on when I do my coaching, but I also have a moment in the week where I say, you know, I just want to reach out to them and just say hi, and give them a little inspiration. So I go through the quotes that I usually look up, and I found one that really hit me hard, because it’s something that we really do with our clients. We help them create the life that they want after divorce, in many cases, before divorce, during divorce or even after divorce. So it’s we just help them to create the life they want. So I was looking through the quotes, and one struck me right away from George Bernard Shaw, who is a poet and an author. And it said, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

Doreen 02:27
Right. Right.

Jeff 02:46
And that summed it up all right there for me.

Doreen 02:50
And then I received a copy of your email to the clients. And I thought this is a great topic to talk about in an episode. So here we are.

Jeff 03:01
And it’s funny how often that happens, you know, where we’ll be driving in a car and hear something on the radio or at the restaurant, hear somebody say something. That’d be a great topic.

Doreen 03:09
Yeah, well.

Jeff 03:10
A great topic. Yeah

Doreen 03:11
I actually just sent myself, I was working out earlier this morning, and I sent myself that through text to myself, a couple of topics for us to consider. And I know we have an ongoing list that I’ve put in together but it seems like you know, we really are passionate about the things that we decide to talk about. And while we focus in on people dealing with divorce, I think divorce is just the circumstance that which could be part of the model, right? Which our clients find themselves in, but that the coaching that we do applies to any facet of life. We could pick a different as they call it niche. We do what we do, because we are both, you know, we were both divorced, we had very different experiences with divorce is a co parenting issues, where we are today as far as that goes. And of course what I do for a living, which is family lawyer, so kind of just makes sense. So that’s how this all came to be for today. So the topic is, you know, finding yourself as opposed to creating yourself. So let’s talk about the finding part of it.

Jeff 04:39
Right. Well, the first thing that comes to my mind when you hear the word find is you’re obviously looking for something. You’re either hoping something comes to you or you’re out there searching and searching meaning almost you’re hoping to find something. You’re searching for yourself.

Doreen 05:03
Right.

Jeff 05:03
And it almost gives me a feeling of being lost.

Doreen 05:08
Well, yeah. Because if you’re trying to find something, then you obviously have not found it.

Jeff 05:17
Yeah, you don’t have it.

Doreen 05:18
You don’t have it, however, I think it’s a great place to start. And in fact, in our Thrive After Divorce program, we emphasize finding your like what excites you, right? that divorce is a new opportunity, a new platform to push you. Okay, one of the positive things about divorce is that it gives you an opportunity to rediscover reanalyze and in sense audit your life, and to use your divorce to propel you forward. So finding your purpose is important, finding the thing that excites you, in fact, yesterday, I started a book club with my team, some in person, some by zoom, through one of the books that I’m reading, called unique abilities, where it’s really about finding your purpose, what is that thing that you like to do that really excite you that ignites you that you know, you do that others see as just like who you are, probably is one of your unique abilities and finding that spark, so then you can grow into it and expand it and see how you’re going to use it to propel you forward, such as, for example, let’s say you want to change careers, or explore an opportunity in business, you know, what do you really like to do? So I think the finding part of it is important, but you can’t get stuck there.

Jeff 05:32
Yeah, I also like the word when you use the word discover, maybe instead of finding, you know, when you discover what your unique ability is, when you discover what it is that you’re good at. Your purpose. Or you discover what your purpose is, versus finding. I know we talked about slowing down, becoming aware of what you really, really want from your life. And then you can create the life that you wish to discover.

Doreen 07:29
Yeah, and I think that there’s a environment, maybe more so in today’s world than previous generations that we’ve explored, you know, that, such as in our childhood or our young adulthood, where there’s so much like, noise, right, there’s so much that we’re just doing on a regular basis without slowing down. And in order to find your, the thing that excites you, especially after divorce, because there’s so much going on, it takes it takes slowing down and really listening to your thoughts. I did a video the other day, I’m going to be posting on social media sites that I’ll have launching soon, but it was a about my silent walking practice. And what I talked about in the video, which of course was a short video was just about how I enjoy walking in the community that we live without any, you know, like ear plugs in, airpods in and.

Jeff 08:41
Distraction.

Doreen 08:42
Music and all that just listening to my own thoughts. And I think that for me, very powerful to find myself to find my purpose to figure out, you know, with all the things that I want to do, and I’m a big, like, wanter of goals, like I have a lot of goals, which is another issue we could talk about in another podcast, maybe episode, but really finding my purpose of which ones am I going to do? Which ones am I going to focus in on and why?

Jeff 09:12
Yeah, I talked to a client the other day about what was going on at work. And, you know, I reminded them that we have, you know, 60 to 70,000 thoughts per day mostly on autopilot and they are coming at you going and coming and going coming and going. And for him to slow down, take a deep breath and relax and have purpose full thoughts. He was really starting to realize where his stress was coming from, where the issues were coming from and he was able to totally get into his mind and have purposeful thoughts which brought him purposeful actions.

Doreen 09:57
Right.

Jeff 09:58
So that is very important that, when you say that to slow down and have that moment, or try to create that moment, whether it’s meditation, or whatever you do to have that moment of just no thoughts at all, maybe.

Doreen 10:11
Correct. Living in your own silence and listening to your brain.

Jeff 10:14
Silence is golden, they say.

Doreen 10:18
So now let’s talk about the creating yourself. And we were watching an interview that was done by what’s his name?

Jeff 10:28
Well, it’s the guy that has the show TMZ.

Doreen 10:31
Yeah, the main guy there. And that his name, we should probably find that but what was.

Jeff 10:38
He was interviewing Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. And a lot of the interview was about their rivalry, when they were both action movie stars. And how this one had this many kills in the movie, will I have to have this many kills, or this had this size machine gun? Well, I needed a bigger machine gun. And even though the rivalry was serious, it almost became kind of comical to them.

Doreen 11:11
As a side note, I think the rivalry is what made each of them better,

Jeff 11:16
Well it push them to be better than the other person which of course created a better person within themselves.

Doreen 11:24
Correct. The interviewers name is Harvey Levine. Okay. But I think what I took away from it and how we again came to this episode was that both of these gentlemen, when they were interviewed were very much about creating.

Jeff 11:31
Yeah, creating themselves.

Doreen 11:44
Themselves, as opposed to finding themselves it was really a lot about, well, I’m not going to just find my purpose. I already kind of know what, I know what my purpose is. But I’m now going to create it I’m going to make it happen.

Jeff 12:01
Yes. And they both the reason they had to create something different from themselves they both came from abusive childhoods you know, whether it was the mom whether it was the dad they’d be they came from a horrible upbringing is what they those words were that they used, whether with a side they gave insecurities and doubts and very unconfident upbringing were Arnold, same thing very physically abusive, you know, dad that came from substance abuse, etc.

Doreen 12:39
So the point being that, in spite of their challenges and their difficulties, and they were able to utilize that difficulty to push them, right.

Jeff 12:59
In their own words, yeah.

Doreen 13:01
They both wanted to get out of it, they wanted to do something different not be in the same cycle. They wanted to, they knew that they could, they could break it, even as a child and a young person or young adult and that they created that on purpose, saying I am not going to be this.

Jeff 13:20
Right.

Doreen 13:21
I see this, I don’t want this type of family dynamics, I don’t want this type of pain, I am going to do something different. And the cycle stop that and they created what they did.

Jeff 13:33
Right. You can become a victim mentality or you become an have action and do something different with your life, which is exactly what they did. They said no, I’m not going to become a victim of this, I’m going to create the goals that I want and become what I want to become.

Doreen 13:49
Right. And I think that’s important for our listeners with divorce, right? Because, you know, you can become of the philosophy of let’s find myself after the divorce, and I’m a victim and my story is all this negative. Or you can create yourself, and whatever you want your future to be, you can have that. It’s available, it takes the right mindset and the drive, which comes as we teach, of course, from your thoughts that you can do it. There’s no question I remember Arnold saying, if I’m correct, and you’ll let me know if I’m not sure if but something about he didn’t have a plan B when he had a goal. There was really no there was a plan A there was no plan fallback B, he was like I’m gonna do Plan A. And I’m getting there.

Jeff 13:49
He says if you have a plan B you’re doubting yourself.

Doreen 13:51
You’re already doubting yourself.

Jeff 13:53
You’re planning for failure.

Doreen 13:54
Right.

Jeff 13:55
If you have a plan B, I thought that was a very strong statement for the whole show. Yeah, it’s really interesting. The other thing that they quoted Robert Downey Jr. When he wrote received his Oscar, he wanted to thank his miserable childhood upbringing, to make him what he is today.

Doreen 15:08
So it was tongue in cheek, he said something like, I want to, first I want to thank my miserable upbringing, your childhood or something like this. So, you know, all of this important because obviously a lot of you are likely, in an emotional state where you feel a lot of the negative emotions, right? You’re at that place. And as we, as we want you to understand is that there is a time and a place for that there is a time to grieve your marriage in the divorce process and to let that run through you. But then there’s a time to say Enough already. Right? Enough. I’m done with this. I’m going to pick it up, I’m going to move on. And so finding yourself finding your purpose, and then creating the future you want is where it’s all at. There’s a time to mourn, there’s time to be upset, there’s a time and then it’s time to move on. What I find so sad is that there are clients who hold on to the anger, the resentment, the sadness, and they get stuck there. And that’s not the way it has to be right? You can, what happens is I think so many times. Yeah, we talk about this again, in the Thrive After Divorce program. But there’s so many times you don’t let that that negative feeling exist. You buffer it, buffering is when you do something else to avoid something negative, it could be drinking, it could be, you know, substance abuse, it could be zoning out, like watching Netflix all day, or whatever it is, it could be many things, anything you do to avoid. And there’s that avoidance, so they never get past that hurt. That negative feeling. But when you do and you get to the other side, that’s where the beauty is. Right? That’s where the beauty is not so we’re creating yourself can be and should be the main focus, right? What do you want.

Jeff 17:07
Exactly what he was saying as far as the plan B also, is that the one thing that he would not allow is his own doubts of his capabilities, and what he wanted to create. He knew there were going to be doubters, other people, other people saying he couldn’t do it. You know, however, if a Plan B would mean that he himself had his doubts, so he would not allow that. So for our listeners out there, if you have something that you want, you have a life that you want to create, it doesn’t matter what the people are saying around you, it doesn’t matter what your family members are saying, or your spouse is saying or saying the haters. You know, remember the lonely, it’s lonely at the top, you know, so when you find success, and you accomplish what you want to accomplish, there are going to be haters, there are going to be doubters. But live the life that you want, live the life that you create.

Doreen 18:05
Right? And know what that looks like.

Jeff 18:08
Yeah. The other thing that he said at the end, I think it was a sly that said this. You want to have people around you that inspire you. You know, and say that if they can do it, so can I.

Doreen 18:24
Well, there’s all kinds of philosophies about being with like minded people, being you know, we can relate to in sports. When Megan was playing volleyball, you know, when when she was playing against a team that was better than them, a true competitor, and a better competitor, if you looked at the stats, they would play up, right? So it’s to that philosophy that you want to be around the people that you strive to be that you are that they don’t even have to tell you or encourage you, you just are around them and their energy lifts you right, their energy energizes you.

Jeff 19:09
Rather than a footnote is, we’re not saying become like them, what they’re what we’re saying is let them motivate you to become the best you that you can become correct. Because you don’t want to say, well, I want to be just like them now. It’s gonna be a version of you, that was motivated by them. Because they you may have more talent than they did, you may have better opportunity than they do, and become a better them, right? But if they can do it, maybe you can do it better.

Doreen 19:39
No, and you can do it better. Right? You can find out a different way of doing it. So I love it because I think that we I know that we totally live the philosophy of creating and goal setting and it’s like, it brings to mind that people ask at least they asked me when I’m going to retire, right? Like when do you see yourself retiring? And retire from what? Retire from working retire? I mean, I love what I do. So like, I don’t see myself retiring, I see my self always creating, as long as my body and my mind are functioning. I don’t see that ever happening. And because I because one of the things in the purpose that I see myself having is to, to have businesses that that strive on making the divorce process better, more affordable, more accessible, helping people through divorce, even in complicated litigation cases that I have, you know, is my purpose is my goal is what excites me. I don’t see myself ever retiring from doing that.

Jeff 21:01
They say that you one of the key needs of a human being is purpose in life. And if you feel that you’re creating something for a purpose, you’re not going to want to give it up, you’re not gonna want to stop because that purpose is no so necessary to your existence.

Doreen 21:22
Absolutely. I mean, even just the thought of, you know, doing the same thing every day as a routine, but not having that reaching towards that bigger goal. For me, personally, it’s, it’s boring, it’s not exciting on any level. There’s, there’s something to be said for. Also, I guess, the balance of it, right? You want to be able to be present and enjoy yourself along the way. Because it really truly is, even though it’s such a cliche, saying it’s about the journey. Because when you get there, when you get to that goal, whatever it is, the goal is not going to make things better, it might be better, maybe you make more money, but then there’s something else, like you have less time or it’s you know, so there’s no like, perfect, there is no 100%, I’m going to be happy. It’s life is both good and bad. So the journey of getting there, the existence of doing that, the daily recognition of that is really what we have.

Jeff 22:25
So when you’re muted your sound, like you’re saying is when you’re creating yourself, that’s a never ending process.

Doreen 22:32
Absolutely.

Jeff 22:33
That’s great. And when you know, and it doesn’t have to be necessarily about the money, it could be something when you become a philanthropist, or you want to work with charities, or whatever it is, whatever your purpose, whatever your purpose is.

Doreen 22:47
No, I mean, yeah, I’m just saying that, whatever the goal is, it’s it’s, you know, it’s it’s got to resonate with you. It’s fun, right?

Jeff 22:59
It’d be fun. All right, exciting.

Doreen 23:01
So the finding part is about the purpose part. Yes. And the creating part is about the actioning off your tush. You know, slapping yourself around when you need it. That’s where we come in. We don’t slap you, of course, but meaning accountability.

Jeff 23:16
I’ll just say take action.

Doreen 23:17
And take action. Take action. Take action.

Jeff 23:22
There’s another week we did it. And we’ll we will see you next week. And in the meantime, have an amazing day.

Doreen 23:31
Yes and maybe take the time to write down your purpose and your goals. I think that’s a beautiful thing to do. I think a lot of us don’t do that. And it’s a great starting point.

Jeff 23:43
And share it with us.

Doreen 23:45
]Yeah, we’d love to hear from you. All right, everyone have an amazing week, bye.

Jeff 23:58
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com. That’s LAD as in lad-coaching.com.

Doreen 24:21
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can have..

Doreen & Jeff 24:27
An amazing life after divorce.