Jeff 00:00
If you find yourself setting small goals that give you small results, this episode is for you. Because today we’re going to be talking about setting big goals. So if you’re ready, let’s get started
Doreen 00:21
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve, and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching. We use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life, the best chapter. Hey, Jeff.
Jeff 00:53
Hey, Doreen, how are you today?
Doreen 00:55
Good.
Jeff 00:56
What’s going on? Anything new?
Doreen 00:58
Oh, let’s see. I don’t know. You tell me.
Jeff 01:01
Well, I know we have Mother’s Day coming up. And April showers have brought me flowers and happy May everybody.
Doreen 01:09
Yeah. Happy Spring. Happy Spring. I know that the kids are soon off a school. So we’ll have some visitors here from out of state out of the area. So that’d be fun. Always nice to have the kids back and visiting for a while. So I hope everybody’s getting ready for their summer plans.
Jeff 01:30
Absolutely. Summer trips and vacations and all the good stuff, all the good stuff.
Doreen 01:35
Right. And if you’re going through divorce, you can still have a staycation if you you know, maybe the budgets a little tight, but we did that.
Jeff 01:43
We’ve done that many times. I don’t know about going through the way maybe wait, wait, wait not going through the divorce part, but the staycation part.
Doreen 01:51
The staycation part many times either, but what we did do was we actually made a concerted effort to have a real staycation.
Jeff 02:00
Oh, you mean staying right here where we are. Well, we went to the hotel down the street. They got away from the home.
Doreen 02:11
Yeah. I mean, what is it that that might be like a hybrid staycation?
Jeff 02:16
Well, what we did was we stayed home and pretended and I mean really, really had to follow through when we’re on vacation. We had no phones, no, no business, everything.
Doreen 02:29
But what we did was, if anybody’s interested, I don’t know, it worked for us as we put ourselves into the thoughts. So again, using the model about what would we be doing right now, if we were, for example, staying at you know, a hotel, or, you know, a rental or something like this. And so we would wake up? First of all, we made an agenda, like things we’ve always wanted to do in our area, but never quite get to. I think that’s common for a lot of people. They don’t explore their own community.
Jeff 03:03
Yeah, right. Kind of the case.
Doreen 03:05
Yeah. And so that was kind of fun. Like we went to the gallery theater. What is it called the..
Jeff 03:11
Art garage.
Doreen 03:13
And we saw a jazz band, a progressive, contemporary jazz band. That was cool. And we tried a couple new restaurants and went out on the boat one day, really tried to address our work. Like if we were on vacation, which is for me, I like to do things right in the morning. Get it over with and then you know, let everybody know what’s going check all my emails then go on the day.
Jeff 03:37
That’s right. That was fun. You should do it more often. Because he was forced relaxation.
Doreen 03:44
Yeah. Well, you know, I’ve been talking to clients a lot lately about downtime, putting their mask on first. Yeah, there’s a lot of that you know, during divorce where you’re all about the litigation and your kids and worry and fear and all of that and you don’t take enough time just to chill. Yeah, you know, just to really turn it all off.
Jeff 04:09
Yeah, the he said she said said and what they’re doing what he’s doing, they’re doing she’s doing all that just just get so tied up in your brain that that moment of chilling is probably very important to them, right?
Doreen 04:22
Oh, yeah. You know, giving that time to yourself to to regroup. You know, I equate it to my selling one of my daughters of one of our daughters and the other day, Megan that is in vet school, and she’s having a finals right now. And I’m like, well, you’re giving your brain a rest right? Because obviously she was a volleyball player,, you know, d one volleyball player for so long and they condition their bodies on a regular basis. And we all know that if you are into, you know, working out or training for a sport, you have to give your body down time in order to recover so that you can grow muscle and get stronger Same thing with your brain, you know, you need to give your time, your brain time to regenerate and to recoup. So, it is okay to do that.
Jeff 05:14
And that’s and they do say that one of the most important things in health is sleep. So the to be able to recharge your brain recharge your body. So I think recharging, you know, all the time is very important.
Doreen 05:27
I mean, recharging when you’re awake. Yeah. And just doing things for yourself that are not related to anybody else. For example, the other day, I went to yoga, which I like to do and should do more often. And it was my time for me. Right? You know, me and the mat?
Jeff 05:47
And I saw the relaxation in your face when he came home. Yeah, it was it was great.
Doreen 05:54
Well, let’s talk about our subject. Yeah, setting big. Let me emphasize that word, big goals.
Jeff 06:00
You know, we do discuss goal setting. It’s a big part of coaching. Because it’s all about the lifestyle that we want or the things that we want after divorce.
Doreen 06:10
Well, even just getting through the divorce itself is a goal, for a lot of people making the decision to divorce and following through with that as a huge goal.
Jeff 06:19
Well, I think that what my point was a lot of people want something but they don’t turn them into goals. So I think it once it becomes a goal. I think it’s a little bit more focused on.
Doreen 06:32
Ooh, did everybody hear that? That was our dog shaking. We have a cute little Frenchie. His name is Zen. I call him Zen Zen. He’s now up on my lap, almost. And he is so cute. So he’s here with us today as we do our podcasts. So all right, well, let’s dive in. Okay. Yeah, the issue that people find themselves with, like you said, is the follow through? Yeah, right. So first of all, is your goal big enough? I think your goal to get divorced, is big. It’s a big goal. It’s so much easier, and takes a lot less courage to just stay in a miserable marriage. Right? That’s true. And I think that however, one perceives the divorce itself, you know, from an ethical, moral, religious standpoint, or how others may, you know, consider it making the decision that you’re going to end a marriage for whatever reasons that you have justified that decision, and then move forward with it is huge. It’s huge.
Jeff 07:40
You’re changing your lives, the your spouse’s life, and probably lives if you have kids as well.
Doreen 07:47
But for the better.
Jeff 07:48
Of course, for the better.
Doreen 07:49
Because most of the time, most of the time, as our experience teaches us, right? The staying in a marriage that is full of all kinds of let’s just say, you know, arguments and lack of love, and disrespect, love and disrespect and all of that, especially in front of children is not is not where anybody wants to be. Right. So we always suggest that first, you want to make sure that the decision to divorce is the decision that you are making, and the reasons why you have to understand your why with any goal. And divorce is one of those big why’s, why am I doing this? Have I tried to not use what we call the manual? Go back to that episode, if you need to address that. But basically, in a short little summary, the manual is expecting your spouse to be something that they’re not going to be that they they don’t have to be because adults get to be who adults get to be. And on
Jeff 09:05
And on top of that basing your emotions on that whether they do something or not.
Doreen 09:09
Correct. I mean, that’s challenging. So, you know, have you worked through all of your why’s and really tried to figure out if your marriage can be saved? For example, can you find peace with your spouse being who he or she is without changing? And, you know, ask yourself that question. And then another question might be if I met this person again, would I marry them today? Right, that’s always that’s always an eye opening answer.
Jeff 09:37
Why are you looking at me like that? Just kidding.
Doreen 09:42
So yeah, so getting to the big goal part. I think that the decision, like I said to divorce is huge. But you can’t stop with just that. Right.
Jeff 09:52
So why do you think that it’s such a difficult decision to set this goal and going following through with the divorce if it is, it’s going to make your life so much better.
Doreen 10:04
But people don’t know that.
Jeff 10:06
Well, I think most people, because it is such a big deal, they have the fear, right? They have the maybe the doubt in themselves that they can do it. They have the doubt in themselves that they’re ready to be able to move on and live their lives without the other person. So that’s why I think a lot of people don’t set those significant big goals.
Doreen 10:27
Fear paralyzes people towards goals, you know, false evidence appearing real, right? So I just did a video which I’m sure will be on social media. I’m on all the stations now. Or platforms, I should say, but about fear and how paralyzing fear is. Everyone faces fear and divorce. Okay, everyone, no matter who you are, how easy your divorce might seem, or whatever it looks like. Fear is the number one thing that probably keeps people paralyzed in staying in a bear marriage, right? The fear about what’s going to happen with the kids and what are the finances going to look like? And will I ever be with someone again, and and the fear of maybe this is better than what’s out there. And all those really I have a whole long list I could I could get into. But fear I think is the most, like I said, paralyzing part of making big goals.
Jeff 11:25
That’s a big reason why they don’t set goals. You’re right. And I really liked what you said in your video that when you make that list of what you’re fearful of, and circle, the ones that are really true, and really present. Now, you’ll find that most of them aren’t real.
Doreen 11:43
No, that’s why it’s false evidence appearing real, because it’s a fear of something that hasn’t yet occurred. And I always say but what if, what if the opposite occurs? What if you find love again? What if your kids are better being in two households where they don’t see people fighting on a continuous basis? What if you’re able to now start a new business or start a new career? And the opportunity there is endless? What if you find this, you know, amazing ability on so many levels after you get out of this circumstance?
Jeff 12:25
Well, I think, you know, shifting gears, I think that that’s what a lot of people also don’t set goals or big enough goals is they don’t, they don’t want to go through the process. They fear the process. Or they know the process is very difficult. And they they liked looking at the other side, well, this is what’s going to happen at the end of the goal. But when they set the goal, they they have this kind of doubt in their mind that the process may be too difficult for them.
Doreen 12:54
Yeah, I think that that’s why, you know, it’s easier to have a small goal, short goal, and or a short term goal, right? Like today, I’ll do X, right. And that’s great. Listen, if you need to take day by day, that’s great. But we’re suggesting is you want to have big compelling goals, because it’s the process of getting there. Really, that is the most rewarding.
Jeff 13:25
Exactly. Well, actually, that’s where you make the biggest changes in yourself, the growth happens, the biggest change happens to you, when you’re going through that journey to the bigger goal, right. In other words, setting the goal is the exciting part. Accepting the goal is the life changing part. The journey is the process of the life changing. But when you achieve the goal, that’s not the excitement, that’s not the biggest part.
Doreen 13:56
Because as we always say, it’s better not there. It’s better not there than here. Exactly. You’re still going to have issues in your life, you’re still going to have things that are going to happen. People get sick, people have accidents, people lose jobs, you know, kids are have issues. I mean, things happen because it’s life. So let’s talk about future goals, right? I think the big future goal, sometimes there’s obstacles, because it is something that will take a long time to get to. Especially, should I even say this? Okay, go ahead and say it but I was I’m gonna not name our child, but I think some of this particular child’s thoughts is I don’t need to do certain things, or I want because it takes a long time to get there. You know, for example, going to college takes four years and if you go into graduate school even longer, right, it’s a process. You’re not going to get that degree overnight. It doesn’t happen. So you have to have a big goal, which is I’m going to graduate from college or I’m going to study, whatever I’m gonna do, and it’s a process to get there, I think a lot of times people don’t have big goals because it does take time to get there. And many of us want that instant, you know, gratification, that instant goal, you know, you all you have to do is turn on the TV or listen to social media, and it’s like, lose 15 pounds in one week. You know, instantly, you know, become a millionaire. Yeah, if you if you buy our, our product, and etc, etc..
Jeff 15:31
And that’s also part of the primitive brain, we want an instant gratification, but we don’t want to do the hard work. We don’t want to change, we want to be comfortable. But we want, we want what’s on the other side. So a way to get there, but go for it and have that journey that we’re talking about.
Doreen 15:49
There’s no legitimate legal way to get there. You know, it just doesn’t happen. big goal is just take reverse engineering, and then consistency, a building a habit towards that goal daily, it will pay off. You know, I talk a lot about my, my physical journey, I’ve lost 30 pounds, and I’m, you know, getting stronger and lifting, lifting and turning, you know, more into muscle. And this is a process. This doesn’t happen overnight. Believe me, I tried all the starvation diets, the quick fixes the you know, I bought into all that. And then I finally realized that it’s just a process of really changing your habits and your lifestyle. Isn’t that true with anything?
Jeff 16:39
Absolutely. There is nothing Well, nothing worthwhile is ever fast or easy. You know, and I think that that’s why it is difficult, because anything that’s worthwhile that’s worth going for that’s worth paying the price for is going to be difficult to get there. It’s going to be a challenging journey to do the hard work that’s necessary.
Doreen 17:04
Right. Yeah. So you have to have a, you know, an understanding that just takes time, just takes time to arrive there. Divorce, for example, I think that’s one of the that’s one of the hardest things that my clients struggle with. And what is one of the more pressing questions that people generally have? How soon can this be over? How quick can this divorce be done? In other words, what they’re saying to me is, how quick can I get this pain over with? How quick can I resolve this fear that I’m having. And that’s what it really means to me is there’s, how quick can I get rid of and then fill in the blank for yourself, whatever that negative emotion is, there is no quick way to get through the divorce. Because you’re relying on someone else to be part of that. Right? You must rely on the other side, the other party, your spouse, to come to terms, so that if you want to quickly resolve it and not go through the litigation, the court system, which is the only quick way to get through it, you have to resolve your case, it takes a meeting of the minds, it takes, you know, ironing out the terms of a settlement, it requires in most cases, financial disclosure. So there’s some requirements on that, that takes time to put together. And then you can have a settlement. And once you’re there, it’s it’s off to the races, the rest is just paperwork and getting through this system. That’s the easy part. Right. That’s why most people don’t settle their case right away. Because they need to get through the emotional part of it too. There’s the logistics of what do I need to do to get to the end of this?
Jeff 18:57
Well, maybe also, there’s the stigma that it’s supposed to take a long time. And that’s why the question is asked, How soon can I get this done? Because I’ve had other experiences or my friends or relatives. And I know it normally is supposed to take a long time that in their mind and they don’t have the ability to change that thought to say hey..
Doreen 19:21
To create the result they want. That’s the model have the thought that this is going to be difficult, challenging, take too long, my spouse is not going to agree will never come to terms. Well, remember your thoughts create your results. So if you have that thought, for example, my spouse will never come to the table and settle. What’s going to happen the result is you’re going to have actions that speak to that thought that then result in your spouse not coming to the table. And I’m gonna say that, you know, litigation hiring a lawyer to handle your divorce who does not understand, or should I say, emphasize the importance of resolution over litigation? Because to me, it’s a parallel path. Your lawyer should be looking at, what do I need to do to like, litigate this case and get my ducks in a row, advise my client, get ready for hearings, get discovery, understand the issues, present the best ways, worst case scenario, but on the same path? That’s the litigation path. For a lot of that there should be a parallel path. How am I going to resolve this case with the other side? A lot of lawyers don’t run a parallel path. They just let the nature of litigation take its course. So ask your lawyer when you interview with them. Or if you already hired a lawyer, what are we doing not only to get our case and ducks in a row litigation wise, but also try to resolve this case? Are we going to mediation? Are we making an Offer of Settlement? Do we have enough to make an offer of settlement? Are we talking with the other side? On some level as to even small wins resolutions? Ask those questions. One of the things that’s so important, I believe, from the clients perspective, when you are hiring a lawyer is to be really invested in what that process looks like, ask the challenging questions, right, ask them.
Jeff 21:34
And I think it all starts back with what we first started talking about, is if that’s your goal is to have a certain result. What do you have to do to work backwards, to have the thoughts and the actions and the feelings that are going to get you that result? Yeah, no matter whether it’s a big goal, or medium goal, or a small goal, because small goals do add up to medium goals, and your medium goals add up to those big changes.
Doreen 21:58
I remember I think I did a podcast on this, about small changes or habits, things of that nature. I used to be of the mindset, talking about my fitness goals. I used to be of the mindset that, well, I’m not gonna go to the gym, or I’m not gonna go work out or get on the peloton or whatever, because all I have is 15 minutes today, you all or nothing? Well, first of all, I really question now when I think about it, how silly that sounds, I only have 15 minutes, we’ll come on i If I really wanted to put an hour in, I could just get up early or do something else and figure it out. But let’s assume that truly I only have 15 minutes, what’s wrong? 15 minutes, 15 minutes every day on a great habit towards a big goal adds up. I agree. You know, yeah, that’s true. I also think that one thing that’s really important about setting big goals, right, so let’s define a big goal. What’s a big goal? A big goal is what?
Jeff 22:54
Well, it’s any goal that is going to, first of all, make a huge change in your life. Right? And it’s probably going to take a while, right? And it’s gonna require a lot of work. It’s gonna require big changes, big thoughts.
Doreen 23:11
Right. So once you know what your big goal is, you know how that feeling, like let’s take our example of my, let’s say, the clients big or our listeners, big goal is to get divorced. They’ve made a goal, right? I’ve decided that I’m gonna get divorced. Okay, yes. You know, that relief that comes over you when you make that decision? On a big goal. Like, whatever it is, whether it’s something like I’m deciding to get divorce, or I want to lose 30 pounds, or I want to go to school and learn a new profession or start a new career. That’s a big goal. Right? You know, that kind of like energy that that comes with that decision making? Yeah, it’s unbelievably intoxicating.
Jeff 24:00
Like somebody that we know, that has an amazing idea for athletes, and very, very excited about it. Because it’s brand new. It’s a new goal, big golf day goal. Yeah. And when they say that, when you set that goal, that’s when you make the biggest change in your life.
Doreen 24:18
Yeah. Because you’re once you drop into that new possibility in your life into your brain, it changes you. It just changes you. It’s it’s then carrying that continuous change forward. So the person you’re talking about, I know who it is, and I’m not going to say it. But anyhow, when I sent him something the other day that he asked me for legally on an NDA because, you know, he’s exploring others about with others his new idea, so, you know, a nondisclosure agreement. I also put in, I didn’t share this email with you, I should share it. I also put in three quotes from various high level very well respected entrepreneurs, and or like philosophers, right? So I think one was Steve Jobs. The other one was Mark Twain, and I can’t remember, it might have been Jeff Bezos, but and each one had a different point. And I remember that a lot of it went through, like, the failures, like you’re gonna have failures. And so just keep going, you know, like, and don’t let others motivate you or take you off your goal. Right, right. Because there’s a lot of that there’s a lot of people that once you make that book, big goal to get divorced, they’re gonna tell you all the reasons why you have to stay, why you shouldn’t do this, why? It’s a horrible idea why you will fail all those things. So you want to anticipate that.
Jeff 25:51
Believe in yourself.
Doreen 25:52
Because really, the fun part is between when you make that goal and achieving it.
Jeff 25:57
Exactly. Like we said, the changes that you’ve seen yourself.
Doreen 26:00
Not when you’re going through divorce, you’re not going to see that as a fun part. But you know what, there is a fun part to it.
Jeff 26:06
There’s a fun part to it.
Doreen 26:09
Part of like, for example, the little little things, having peace and quiet at home.
Jeff 26:14
Yeah, that’s fine. Yeah, or not having the disrespect, like you said earlier, that you’ve been living with for many years.
Doreen 26:21
Told how, you know, horrible you are on a daily basis, or the screaming and yelling or whatever it is.
Jeff 26:28
Living the one life that we have without love. I mean, it’s it’s a biggie.
Doreen 26:34
Life is short. I mean, I know it’s such a cliche, but it really is one of our Unfortunately, one of our neighbors just passed. And so it always, it always hits home, when you know somebody who is no longer here on earth, right? So it makes you generally sit and just contemplate your own future and what that looks like and to realize that this is it, right?
Jeff 27:01
What’s your favorite saying this is not a this..
Doreen 27:03
This is not a dress rehearsal. This life is not a dress rehearsal. It’s the real deal every single day, right? So what are you doing in your life? To first of all set big, big, big, big, big goals? And then how are you getting there? And do you have the patience? Which we all do? We all possess it, to do the little steps every single day towards that big goal? Because you can get there you will get there and yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce. It is possible, and it is more probable than not.
Jeff 27:39
That’s right. Without the journey, you’ll never reach your destination.
Doreen 27:43
Nope. All right.
Jeff 27:45
Okay, so there’s another great episode in the can.
Doreen 27:50
That’s a terminology. So listen, I know that Mother’s Day is going to be upon everyone. So to all those moms out there, grandmothers, mothers, you know, there’s to be dog moms, the animal moms, whoever the moms are, listen, time to celebrate yourself and your day. So let the other people in your life take care of you that day, whatever that looks like for you. And, you know, I have had experiences with mothers days past that had been disappointing and all I can do is suggest one thing, let them know what you want. Tell them like give them clarity. If you feel like being in your like pajamas all day and catering and food from DoorDash or wherever you get it from you know what, just tell the people what you want. It’s all about you that day.
Jeff 28:45
You deserve it.
Doreen 28:46
You do. Alright, Everybody have an amazing rest of the week.
Jeff 28:50
See you next week.
Doreen 28:50
Bye.
Jeff 29:00
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com. That’s LAD as in lad-coaching.com.
Doreen 29:22
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can..
Doreen & Jeff 29:28
Have an amazing life after divorce.
