Ep. 149 – Communication with Purpose

Jeff 00:00
Hello, everybody out there. You know today’s episode, we’re going to be talking about communicating with your ex. So if you’re ready, let’s get started.

Doreen 00:19
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve, and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

Doreen 00:53
Hey, Jeff.

Jeff 00:54
Hey, Doreen.

Doreen 00:56
All is good.

Jeff 00:57
Oh, it’s great time outside. It’s definitely the summer.

Doreen 01:00
It is summer, summer in Florida. That kind of happens, right? Yeah. Wonder what everybody has going on? We’ve kind of got a busy summer.

Jeff 01:08
We do. I’m really excited about it.

Doreen 01:09
Yeah, it’s, we’ve got a lot of traveling going on. We’re going to be hitting Italy for a period of time. And we got to cruise exploring Italy and into France. And then we have…

Jeff 01:23
We’re going to North Carolina, North Carolina.

Doreen 01:26
We’d love Blowing Rock, we meet the kids and their significant others there. They all have boyfriends. And your son has a girlfriend. So that’s always nice.

Jeff 01:37
And when we get back, you’re gonna go to Chicago for an incredible seminar. Yeah.

Doreen 01:42
Yep. Workshop.

Jeff 01:43
Teacher coach.

Doreen 01:44
Yeah.

Jeff 01:45
And then as soon as you get back, I mean, right from the airport, we’re going down the Florida Keys.

Doreen 01:49
Yeah. I have to say that I deal with a lot of anxiety when it comes to so much travel. I mean, I know we’re set up to do business from anywhere. And that’s the beauty of what we do. But it also like is a little I don’t know, unsettling, right? Being away from the house and having to have others take care of our two dog babies. And, you know, just I don’t know, but it’s..

Jeff 02:17
It takes a little bit more preparation. It does involves organization.

Doreen 02:21
Yeah, being out of your comfort zone.

Jeff 02:24
But we’ll be more comfortable. I know, you look forward to traveling so much that I think just packing is a little bit stressful. And I think that it comes with the territory of traveling, but we’re definitely going to. So what happens when we get back from the keys?

Doreen 02:44
What do you mean, I already said.

Jeff 02:45
Oh, yes, that’s when we go to fly over to Italy.

Doreen 02:49
Italy. We’re gonna be spending some time there and pass the tunnel and then going on a cruise. So yeah, sounds great.

Jeff 02:57
We come back, right for the holidays, you got Thanksgiving.

Doreen 03:02
No, no. Let’s not rush it. Let’s not rush it, because we come back in August. And again, we’ll be working from abroad anyhow. But we’ll be back. And then we’re only in August. So let’s take a deep breath until we get into the holiday season. Right? Because then it’s it’s the off to the races, but it’s always a great time.

Jeff 03:23
Vacation from the vacation.

Doreen 03:25
Right, right. All right. Well, today’s episode is about communicating with your ex. And let me preface this by saying that this is really for relationships that don’t have any underlying serious mental health issues, right? So you’re dealing with people that generally are in good mental health, right? I know going through divorce or whatever your family law situation is, it’s always going to be trying. And you might be dealing with anxiety and things like this, but I’m talking about this communication with your ex episode is not dealing with people that have other issues such as borderline personality disorder, what outs, narcissists, narcissistic behaviors, those types of things. So I just wanted to mention that up front, because the way in which you communicate in those situations really needs to be guided from a higher level skill point than what we’re going to teach today. So that’s my little disclaimer.

Jeff 04:26
Also seems like today we’re gonna be talking more about after divorce, more than communicating during the divorce, doesn’t that require a certain skill set as well?

Doreen 04:39
Well, I mean, I think a lot of what we’re going to touch on today, the various points are relevant to both and we’re using the word divorce, but this is in any family law situation where you’ve got an ex, such as in a paternity action, it could be a post judgment action, or you know, have you as you have mentioned, I think it’s just communicating in relationships in general. So even if you don’t have any of those, right, I think there’s some great tips here. Like I always say what we teach here in our coaching is applicable to any, anyone in any circumstance, not just divorce. So I think the first thing to just think about is that, think about your thinking about communicating with your ex. In other words, it’s not natural, right, to want to communicate freely, openly with love, and kindness to someone that is considered your ex, right, let’s just throw that out there. Right. It’s, it’s, it’s not a relationship any further. And whether you had a good, a relatively good breakup or, you know, or not, it’s still uncomfortable, right?

Jeff 05:59
It can be.

Doreen 06:00
I mean, I think we have to acknowledge that it’s not as easy to speak with your ex as it would be to speak with anybody else that you have a good relationship with, right? You have some issues that you’ve been through, and you know, it’s an uncomfortable circumstance, maybe it’s a trigger, a lot of time when you’re communicating with your ex, it’s a trigger. And you know, being aware, I think of triggers is really important. It may set you off even just to see that person’s name coming in on your text feed, or to choose and see that they’re calling you and their their name is showing up on your phone, or you just opened up your emails, and there’s an email from this person that your ex, it just triggers generally an emotion. And so I think being first aware of that, am I being triggered by my ex, right before we even started communicating? And being aware of that is key. It’s the first step, right.

Jeff 06:57
One of the TV shows we were watching other night where her phone rang, and it said, asshole. That was kind of a wake up call.

Doreen 07:08
You know, probably, if you have that issue, where you have title for your ex, you might want to rethink that, although it could be cute and and work for a while, it’s probably doesn’t lead into the best thinking. Or the child does.

Jeff 07:24
I do think that you when you’re preparing to communicate with your ex, I think having a plan, having result in mind that you want to get from the conversation, right? And having pre thoughts of what you want to mentally accomplished. But how do you, I guess expect a little bit of conflict and how you’re going to deal with it, you know, kind of prepare yourself?

Doreen 07:54
Absolutely.

Jeff 07:55
That little prep preparation can, can really make a difference in the call.

Doreen 07:59
Yeah. And and you know, for those of you out there that have children together with your ex, this is really vital because the others, if you don’t have children together, you might be able to basically move forward and not ever speak with your ex again. Although I want you to consider the possibility that it could happen, you probably share mutual places that you like, friends and common, may run into each other, you know, and if you’re not able to come to those types of situations, and being able to work through your anxiety around communicating with your ex, that’s something that that could be helpful, just in life coaching, building skills, right. Because sometimes we have to speak with people in life that we don’t want to speak to, right? You encounter that all the time, you may be in a work environment where you have to sit next to someone or deal with someone that you don’t generally get along with, right. I like to talk to the kids about that, I was talking with Samantha recently who was having to deal with a coworker. And, you know, the teaching was, we don’t always get to choose who we get to interact with. And part of learning how to navigate life is dealing with those communications, right? Even when you’re talking you’re very good at it. But when you’re talking with someone just trying to get something from a customer service standpoint, you have a beautiful way of talking with people I hear you on the phone, you know, like you might be trying to resolve, you know, an incorrect delivery or maybe some issue that you know, with some product that you received your service that needed to be done differently and you have a way of like, really handling it well. What is your secret?

Jeff 09:56
It’s what I used to use in teaching martial arts is called the PCP, where you praise, then you correct and then you praise again. So I may say something like, you know, I know you have incredible customer service. And this is my phone call, it’s very, very important to you. So however, what I have an issue with is this. And I’m sure because of what of your customer service, you’re willing to take care of this for me, right? So I set high expectations for them. Let them know what I’m about to ask for.

Doreen 10:34
And that’s the what part of it?

Jeff 10:35
Assuming that they’re going to definitely want to deliver it to me, because their customer service is so great. And then they’re, how could they say no, my customer service is terrible? I’m not going to do that.

Doreen 10:47
Yeah, tell me where the PCP comes in. So each one of those.

Jeff 10:50
Well, the P is the praise.

Doreen 10:52
Which was?

Jeff 10:54
You know, I know you have incredible customer service. The C is the correction.

Doreen 11:00
Okay.

Jeff 11:01
So however, I have an issue, that’s where I bring up the XYZ, and then the following P, the last P is to,

Doreen 11:08
What’s the P stands for?

Jeff 11:10
Praise, praises. So now that they saw my problem, I’m going to praise them again for doing it.

Doreen 11:17
You’re going to tell them, so let’s use that. Can you come up with an example, I’m doing this off the cuff? Let’s say coparents, and you need to address a problem that you’re having with your ex? Maybe for sake of an example, let’s assume mom is not getting the kids to school on time.

Jeff 11:34
Okay, great example. Hi, how are you? You know, you’re an incredible mom. But I’ve been getting notifications that the kids have been getting to school tardy. Let’s try to get them out the door a little bit sooner, get them up out of bed, whatever you have to do. I know this is important to us. So again, you’re an amazing mom. Let’s get those kids to school early. Can we do that? And something like that would probably work.

Doreen 12:01
Now, I noticed that you tried to use more neutral language.

Jeff 12:06
Or we and us. I’m not trying to point the finger at all. Because whenever anytime you point the finger that puts somebody in a defensive mode. It’s our goal to get the kids to school on time. It’s our responsibility.

Jeff 12:23
Right, as good parents.

Jeff 12:25
I am getting them there on time, but it’s still my responsibility.

Doreen 12:28
I think I’ll do an example. Okay. How about an example of someone who hasn’t made their support payment? So I’m the person whose support payment is late, and I’m talking to my ex. So I think if I’m going to start with praise, it might be something like, I know that we’re both doing our best to get on with our lives and heal from the divorce. And I think that you’re doing a great job. I noticed that I haven’t received my support payment. And I’m thinking maybe it just slipped through the cracks. Because I know, you want to make sure that we’re compliant with the court order and that we intend to do so. I just wanted to bring this to your attention so that we can resolve this and move forward. Do you think you can have the payments to me on time in the future?

Jeff 13:23
Wow, can I write you a check now? That was great. I felt at ease. Where there was no attack in there at all right? You assumed a lot of positivity in me, right? It’s important to me. You know, you’re doing a great job. You know, you gave me a lot of praise there. You just pointed something out. You didn’t like make it even a correction. It was just you pointed out, I haven’t received it yet. I’m sure you can fell through the cracks. There was no attack at all. And this is I’m sure important to you. So that was great.

Doreen 13:59
Yeah, I was thinking I could use this with you. Meaning like, I probably don’t take enough time when I’m asking for certain things to do the praise. Correct praise.

Jeff 14:13
I don’t think I can agree anymore. I guarantee this is coming with a written guarantee. I see better results. Just from me, but from our listeners communicating with their significant other.

Doreen 14:30
New person, even their children. I think it’s..

Jeff 14:33
Exactly, well that’s where it came from in martial arts and came from teaching kids, because kids need praise. They need the correction of course, then the correction doesn’t seem so bad.

Doreen 14:47
Yeah, we probably should have titled this episode more about just communication with anyone in general because like I said, these skills are relevant. You know, I can imagine how it would go. Let’s do an example with a child, let’s say, you know,

Jeff 15:03
Cleaning your room.

Doreen 15:04
They’d left the room a mess. And there’s kind of an understood rule, not kind of, because that’s a boundary issue and, and a clarity on boundaries. But yeah, a little bit. But yeah, let’s say we have an issue that your child’s not maintaining the room the way that you have agreed. Alright, so how would that look?

Jeff 15:24
Well, I would go to them and say, you know, something, you’ve been doing a great job in helping me maintain the kitchen, clean up the kitchen, washing dishes, putting away everything after we eat, you’re doing an amazing job. But I did notice, though, is that your room can be sometimes a little bit messy. So if you can do me a favor, I want you to take the time to clean your room like you helped me with the rest of the house,

Doreen 15:52
That you do a stellar job.

Jeff 15:55
Yes. And I’m going to come back and let me check out the room. And I know when I come back, you’re going to do an amazing job of cleaning our room.

Doreen 16:03
Just like the kitchen. Right. Okay, cool. Yeah, that’s good stuff. All right. Well, let’s touch on a few other tips, because I think those are great examples. But things that we also want to…

Jeff 16:16
That one thing that the praise, correct, praise is going to work because boundaries have been set.

Doreen 16:22
Well, I think there needs to be a clear understanding, first of what’s expected. So many times in relationships, there’s this assumed understanding of things. Right. But, for example, getting the children to school on time, probably is something during your marriage, that was a known a given like, you know, we always got the kids to school on time. And or if we didn’t, we knew we need to correct that. Right. I think most parents would agree. Right?

Jeff 16:52
We also like if you set a boundary that if the support payment comes in late, there’s a consequence,

Doreen 17:00
Right? Exactly. Or if your room is..

Jeff 17:03
Set up and established well, before the expectation *inaudible*,

Doreen 17:06
Exactly. Yeah. So I think it’s important then to set those understandings first, and the end to establish what those look like, I don’t know, necessarily that their boundaries, because boundaries, we’ve talked about boundaries and episode what?

Jeff 17:20
119?

Doreen 17:21
Yeah, 119. I know, I talked about it earlier in the podcast, but 119 was one that we did together, and that that gives very clear understandings of what boundaries are because boundaries are a whole thing that we teach in coaching. It can take, you know, months to learn months, and sometimes longer to set boundaries, especially with people pleasers, and people like this. But yeah, so I think clarity and boundaries is probably a good tick tip. I think also, one of the things is empathy. So the words in which you choose to use and having kindness and empathy for the person you’re communicating with, even when it’s your ex, it’s amazing how you can shut down a negative mindset, a negative communication, by just using empathy and kindness, changing the words, it’s a redirect, it’s amazing. What’s another tip?

Jeff 18:17
Well, I think one thing that kind of falls right after that is beware of texting.

Doreen 18:22
Or, or email, anything that you’re doing over the internet, or over some kind of texts? Or where you’re not having an open communication verbally?

Jeff 18:30
Well, there’s a reason why because when you text or you email, there’s the lack of voice inflections.

Doreen 18:37
Absolutely.

Jeff 18:38
The tonality of your voice, because you can say the exact same thing in two different ways. And it can mean totally two different.

Doreen 18:45
Absolutely.

Jeff 18:47
And I didn’t, I’ve been definitely guilty of that.

Doreen 18:52
Right, right, there’s sometimes they’re just in a hurry. Or maybe they’re bothered from something totally unrelated, but it conveys in the way that they text or the words that they use. I also want to suggest that in some of the programs that they have available for coparents, such as family wizard, and talking parents, they have tone indicators. Yeah. And recently, I’ve learned that that there are various applications, programs you can purchase, that will tone down your words. So you can through AI, which you know, can be very helpful for people that are very matter of fact, in their communication that can come off correctly. So you can change the tone to be casual, friendly, professional, and it might be something worth investigating. If you’re one of those people that maybe just doesn’t, you know, like you said sometimes you just come across a little strong in your words, in writing.

Jeff 19:50
Another thing that you could do for that is to rehearse what you’re about to say, or practice writing down what you’re going to say before you..

Doreen 20:01
Absolutely, I think it’s a good thought, Jeff to write down that praise, correct praise, what are you going to say in each of those? I know, this takes a lot of time to do this. But it is well, we’re, I think anything that we do in life. And this is one of those things that when you stop, and you really think about the end result you’re trying to get, it just takes a little more planning and a little step back and just, you know, taking that time..

Jeff 20:30
To slow down and have awareness in what you’re gonna say.

Doreen 20:32
You know, the next thing is to stay on topic. So if you’re talking about one particular communication with your ex, stay on that topic. And when they try to if they try to derail and go to something different, gently try to stay back into the topic. If they refuse to talk about what you intend to talk about, then probably that’s a good time to end the conversation. Again, doing this with calmness, you know, listen, I called you today because I wanted to address the issue of the children getting school late, you seem to want to discuss something different. I’d like to stay on that topic. Can we do that? If not, I’m going to hang up, and we’ll try to have a conversation later. Is that okay?

Jeff 21:22
To pre frame the conversation before the conversation takes place.

Doreen 21:25
Yeah, you can always text message and find out, listen can we talk about this? I’d like to really talk about this one issue.

Jeff 21:34
You know, another thing is that, if you’re not in the mood to talk to somebody, don’t talk to somebody, if you’re not in the mood to approach your ex over a certain conversation out of kindness, and respect, then you might want to wait for another time to have that conversation.

Doreen 21:52
And I don’t know if it’s correct to say the mood, because you may never have the desire to speak to your ex. But try to get yourself into that best state of mind, it might take meditation, it might take, you know, just taking a walk, whatever you need to do to prepare yourself for the conversation, knowing your audience. That’s important.

Jeff 22:16
Sometimes biting your tongue might help.

Doreen 22:20
Right?

Jeff 22:21
But psyched about the conversation being ready for it result from the conversation. And you may have to do something that you may not be comfortable with. Because you want a certain result from the conversation. .

Doreen 22:37
The last one point that we wanted to make was allow some give and take. Maybe you can explain how that’s relevant to communication?

Jeff 22:47
Well, I mean, you’re not always going to get what you want. And, and that’s in anything in life. And sometimes you have to give a little bit, take a little bit, maybe give it a lot, to get a little bit back. So you have to be willing to negotiate. You have to be willing to compromise when you’re dealing with other people because other people have different thoughts. Other people come from different walks of life and don’t always think the way we do so sometimes you have to bend.

Doreen 23:15
So generally that in that I think that’s with any time you’re dealing with anyone. It’s a matter of compromise in many circumstances. So the communication might require that and that could go a long way. Right. Great. Okay. I think, I think everybody should just like put PCP up like in a little sticky. Yeah, like a little post it. When you’re getting ready to talk with anybody, just try it on for size, see how it works for you, we’d love to hear from you. And listen, take us up on our, we have complimentary sessions open right now, if you come into LAD coaching, which is at?

Jeff 23:55
At LAD-coaching.com.

Doreen 23:59
And you can book a complimentary coaching session. And check it out, try try it on for size, you know, pick a subject that you want to talk about, it could be anything, it could be finding self, you know, self esteem again, it could be how to communicate with your ex, it could be a goal that you might have to maybe start a new career or maybe get into better shape or whatever it is, like coaching, the beauty about coaching is that you can pick whatever it is that you want to achieve. And then we kind of just navigate in that direction and make it happen.

Jeff 24:33
All relates.

Doreen 24:34
Absolutely.

Jeff 24:35
Love to hear from you.

Doreen 24:36
All right, everyone, have an amazing week and we’ll talk to you next week.

Jeff 24:41
Bye.

Jeff 24:49
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find tell more about our coaching. Visit us at LAD-coaching.com. That’s LAD as in LAD-coaching.com.

Doreen 25:11
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can..

Doreen & Jeff 25:18
Have an amazing life after divorce.