Jeff 00:00
Hey everybody out there. Welcome to Episode 152. Today, Doreen and I are going to be talking about one of the keys to success, which is knowing your self worth. So if you’re ready, let’s get started.
Doreen 00:24
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after a divorce that you deserve, and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.
Doreen 00:58
Hey.
Jeff 00:58
Hello, Doreen. How are you?
Doreen 01:00
Well, we’re doing something different.
Jeff 01:02
What is that?
Doreen 01:03
We are video recording this episode.
Jeff 01:07
Oh my gosh, yes. Hi, everybody out there.
Doreen 01:09
Doing this in our home. So let us know what you think. If it looks okay. And yeah, so we’re trying to figure out, so it’s a beautiful sunny day, as you can see. So those of you that are seeing us on video. It’s a hot day in Florida. And yeah, it’s gorgeous out.
Jeff 01:31
It’s gorgeous. You’re gorgeous.
Doreen 01:33
Oh, thank you, sweetie. So are you. Alright, so let’s talk about self love, self worth.
Jeff 01:41
Dive in.
Doreen 01:42
Super important. You know, because I think it’s the key to success in, in virtually everything, right? Because you if you don’t have self worth, on any aspect of your life, whatever it is, you want to be do accomplish, relationships, etc, etc. If you don’t have that self worth, you’re faking it, you’re not really living it in a truthful way, you’re not really understanding and owning your self worth. It just it doesn’t come out well. It’s you can only phony it up for so long. And in divorce, I just think it’s so important to start to realize your self worth and how to make it happen. Because most people don’t know how to develop self worth how to really know and be confident. But if you can start to build that in your divorce right from the get go like recognizing it and build it. It’ll help all the way through pass the divorce.
Jeff 02:45
Yeah, I think it’s so important to understand what self worth is. Because it seems like it’s a combination of your confidence, and the ability to feel that you deserve something better. You deserve greatness, you deserve success. And it’s not going to be easy to get, but you have to feel confident in yourself. But there may be some underlying things that have damaged your self worth.
Doreen 03:13
Well, for example, like, as a lawyer, okay, my self worth. I know, because I’ve been doing this for 30 years. I’m a kick ass lawyer. Okay, I know my stuff. I know the law, I know how to present in court. I know how to run a team. I feel confident in that. Now, I’ve been doing it for 30 years, and I’m board certified. But I didn’t just get there without having that self worth confidence that goes along with it. Right? You can just know something really well, and not have that part of it as well. So maybe I’ll just an example. But I think but it’s so it’s developed over time. It’s developed over time, because you’re training your brain, right through whatever you’re learning and doing and becoming. You’re training your thoughts to create the results you want. Mine happens to be being a lawyer, right? Being a family lawyer, being a board certified family lawyer is what I’ve trained myself to do. Why is it important when you’re going through divorce? Do you know the answer?
Jeff 04:19
Well, I believe that knowing yourself worth as you go through the divorce either sets you up for success or it could hinder your success when you now face this next chapter in your life.
Doreen 04:31
Right and then negotiating that you do because most cases settle, right? Only at least in Florida, about 5% of the cases ever go to a final trial. They might be in litigation for many many years. But only about 5% actually hit the trial zone. Right which is really eye opening because why? Why don’t they get there sooner? That’s another episode. That’s another podcast that we can talk about that but a lot lot of it has to do with self worth, right? Because when you have two people that lack their own confidence and where they are, and build themselves up during the divorce process, you have two people that usually are super emotional and they’re fighting. And they’re fighting over the little things that don’t get them to the settlement table. I think most of the times people settle because they get what I call fee exhaustion. Attorneys phase, right. They’ve spent so much money, they now realize because they’ve been going through the process so long, they’re on the eve of trial, and they’re like, wait a second. Is this really that challenging? We can figure this out. And they do. And they do. They don’t want to judge?
Jeff 05:39
Now, when we’re talking about self worth, you had mentioned training your brain?
Doreen 05:44
Yes.
Jeff 05:45
As you grew up as a child with parents, as you go through different relationships, boyfriends, other whatever marriages you may have had. Other people may have trained your brain to make you feel that you’re not worthy.
Doreen 06:01
Oh, wait, no, no other people never train your brain to make you feel anything.
Jeff 06:07
That’s my point. That’s what I’m trying to make.
Doreen 06:10
It’s your thoughts about what other people have done or said or situations that have potentially created these automatic pilot, what I call, you know, automatic pilot zone, have bad thoughts about yourself negative thoughts, right, and it could stem from childhood, you could have had a teacher that told you in you know, fourth grade that you were horrible at math. And so you have the self belief that you’re not good at math, and maybe that has really nothing to do with it. And you’re always gonna find evidence. That’s the amazing thing. I use the example of the car. We’re talking about this earlier.
Jeff 06:53
Well, you know the words you go look at a car. And you really love this car, you want to buy this car, you test drove it, it’s amazing. You love it. And all of a sudden, everywhere you go, you’re seeing that car on the street right now, did they automatically put more cars out on the streets? Good for you. They’ve always been there, they’ve always been your awareness of that particular car is enlightened.
Doreen 07:16
Well because your the way that our brains function, it will always find evidence of what it’s thinking. So if you’re thinking negative thoughts, it will surely find evidence of negative thoughts. So justify it.
Jeff 07:31
And when I meant by your other people training your brain when you said that fourth grader, or it could be the the spouse that lacks confidence that believes everything, the husband or the wife was saying to them negative, right. You know, we have to develop that certain awareness that you just said that awareness to start having different thoughts, because most people don’t realize how powerful thoughts really are.
Doreen 07:58
Well, thoughts are everything. Because your thoughts, create your feelings that create your action or inaction, and then your results. So how do we know if we lack self esteem, self worth? We usually know this by the results we have in our life. The results indicate our thoughts. If we’re having negative thoughts, we can take the results, which typically are more factual in nature. And those results will tell us we have stinking thinking, as you said, I can think of thinking thinking. So in order to build self worth, you have to strip it back. And you have to start to reprogram yourself. It’s very, it’s easy to do. It’s challenging to do, though.
Jeff 08:50
I think the biggest thing, of course, the biggest thing that we talked about as awareness. First, you are aware that these aren’t the results that you want. And you what you usually say reverse engineer to say what well, what thoughts do I have to have the have the right feelings to have the actions that are lead to these results that I want? And that’s how you slowly would develop your self esteem, how you slowly realize a stronger self worth?
Doreen 09:17
Well, what you’re saying is recognizing first the negative talk.
Jeff 09:21
Whether it’s self negative talk or talk from somebody else, you’re right.
09:25
Well but if somebody says something negative to you, okay, or says words, they mean nothing until you have a thought about it.
Jeff 09:35
They’re just out there to put together.
09:38
Well, that’s why two people can hear the same sentence, and one person is affected by it negatively, and the other could care less. Because their self worth is intact, and they don’t care. You know, if someone called them ugly or unintelligent, or whatever it is because they know this isn’t true. So the first thing is we all have these little voices in our head, right? And those little voices try to bring you down. And it’s important to recognize those are not a true reflection of who you truly are. Right? I think that divorce, why are we talking about this now as a life after divorce coaching program, and what we do in our teachings is because divorce is this Springboard opportunity to to restructure your life, to say, you know what that part is over, I’m not going there anymore, I’m done with this, I’ve moved on from my marriage, or moving on, maybe it was something you both wanted, maybe one party wanted it. Regardless, it’s time to move on and pick up the pieces and start to create your new person. And what I think is so rewarding and exciting and can be really something like to look forward to is you can design your life, who you want to be on purpose, you have this, this opportunity right here, right now, to make a difference in who you show up as.
Jeff 11:13
I mean, in the past, you have said that divorce is probably one of the most difficult things you’re going to go through in your life. And because of that, I think that’s where you’re going to have the biggest reward in your life, the biggest positive change, if you can go through this, and you can make it through in a positive way, you’re going to have this creation, that is going to build your confidence, it’s going to build your self esteem, your self worth, that you’re saying, if I can go through that and come out looking like this, I can do anything, of course. I mean, there’s times..
11:49
Think about the example also that you can bring to your children. What you can show your children is that people go through tough, tough times, because the kids are going to feel it too. Let’s be real. Okay, no matter how much you try to isolate them from the divorce, they get it. Okay, they may not understand it, they may be too young, and it may take years for them to comprehend what happened. But everybody’s affected the differences. Why do some people fare better than others, right, you can show your kids, I can go through something tough in life, and I can come out the other side, better, stronger, and I can maintain my self worth. Right, the self worth that you can build today is your key to success. It’s your key to success to get getting it through the divorce. Because when you show up to negotiating table settlement discussions and mediations and you have self worth intact, that everybody falls into suit with that, okay, I’m not talking unrealistic goals. That’s foolish. The law is not that complicated. It’s really not. Your lawyer should be telling you. This is where this issue equitable distribution, alimony, custody arrangements, child support, you know, whatever it is, this is where it’s going to fall. It’s going to be between here and here. Now you go in confidence, with confidence and self worth. Moving on, I’m getting strong. And guess what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna show up in a different way. It’s when two people I think are stuck in this really battle of negative thought, self talk, that you have the most conflict?
Jeff 13:32
Yeah, I think you just hit it on the head when you talk about self talk. You know, how are you talking to yourself? Are you motivating yourself? Are you de motivating yourself? Are you feeding your self esteem? Are you feeding your unconfidence?
Doreen 13:47
I think we need to go back to I want to talk a little bit more about that automatic trigger, right? That GPS system that we all have built in because our brains are designed to take the path of least resistance.
Jeff 14:04
What’s that called? The primitive brain.
Doreen 14:07
The primitive brain, we have a prefrontal cortex, which is our thinking brain and we have our primitive brain, our primitive brains job is to avoid anything, you know, that is uncomfortable to go to what it knows, to take the path of least resistance to get from point A to point B, the comfort zone, and now a lot of that is negative, it is negative negative programming. So when someone says something negative to you, or you assume there’s some other stimuli in your life, it might trigger that negative thought, which is just a built in GPS system of getting you through that the quickest way.
Jeff 14:48
And that reinforces it.
Jeff 14:49
Absolutely. That’s what I was gonna say. So what we want to do is get you to recognize that the first thing is awareness. You have to be aware that you’re Your thoughts are everything. Right? And if you’re having stinking thinking negative thoughts, be aware of it. Right? That’s the first thing. Most people don’t do that. So if you just did that, that is amazing. Right?
Jeff 15:18
It’s like you, you’ve told me before, if you were having stinking thinking, but you were saying it to your daughter, saying it to your best friend, your best friend came to you and said, these are the thoughts I’m having right? Or your daughter comes to you and say, these are the thoughts I’m having? Are you going to agree with them that this is yeah, you’re you’re that low, or you’re that bad? Or you’re going to convince them otherwise? So why don’t we do the same thing to ourselves?
Doreen 15:44
Well, because it’s, it’s we’re just saying a primitive brain is there to just function as it normally does.
Jeff 15:52
So you can trick the primitive?
Jeff 15:54
That’s what we’re saying. So the first thing is awareness. The second thing is to know where you want to go.
Jeff 16:00
What do you want?
Doreen 16:01
What you know, is your new directions? What address are you going to put into that GPS system? Are you going to put it in negative address something somewhere that you want to go that’s not going to be good? Well, I know that most of the people out there are going to say no way, I don’t want that. I want positive things.
Jeff 16:19
You know, let somebody else program your GPS, right?
Doreen 16:22
Well, we’re not letting people do that, right? We want to program our own GPS, because self worth and self esteem come from within, no matter what someone tells you, they can tell you, you’re the most amazing thing since sliced bread, it doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it, you have to believe it.
Jeff 16:39
That’s the big thing.
Doreen 16:39
And it’s little tiny changes in your thought pattern that can help to get you to shift over to that new location you’re trying to get to. So now what happens is, instead of finding the evidence, like you said, of the new car, that you are the new car for you that you want, and you see it everywhere, which is basically self fulfilling prophecies and self awareness and all these things, law of attraction that you hear, now you want to design it so that your new thought is positive. And now you’re finding evidence in your life and around you of the positive. Because it’ll start to build it will become a habit.
Jeff 17:22
Just like the car, you’re going to see and find that evidence, the more you believe in it. It’ll show up everywhere you go. And it’ll show up in your own feelings and your own thoughts.
Doreen 17:33
The concept of this is interesting, and not challenging, I think to understand. It’s, it’s slowing down and actually applying it. Isn’t that true, though, with everything.
Jeff 17:46
That’s true.
Doreen 17:47
If you want something you, you can’t just snap your fingers and it’s going to be there, you have to work on it, you have to know where you’re going, and what you have to think in order to get there do to get there.
Jeff 17:58
I think that’s why it’s so important that you and I especially we have our coaches, we have our support team, we have our people that we we rely on. And I think one of the best things that our listeners can do out there is to do the same thing, find that support group, whether it be a coach like us, or whether it be that one friend that will not put up with their crap and get on him, and now put up with their shit. And say no, this is how you’re thinking that way. And that’s not right, you should be thinking this way, and really be able to guide their mind in the right direction that right GPS heading.
Doreen 18:39
Absolutely. But you know, just like we talk a lot about working out, right, you can’t build muscle if you don’t go to the gym and lift weights. Now you don’t have to go to the gym, but you got to lift something heavy. In order to build muscle, you have to lift a weight in order to get what you want. And that includes your self worth to be intact and all the different areas of your life. First thing is know what you want to do. So you can live that way. Right?
Jeff 19:07
Well, they say it’s the resistance is what makes us stronger. Is that true and working out and is true with anything. So the harder things are in our lives, the more chance you have to build up a more positive result. I have an example for you that I used to use in martial arts is that you can have the most powerful speedboat you know say one of these ones that have off those offshore racing boats that go 100 miles an hour with these big engines and everything Yeah, what happens if you take it out of water, doesn’t go anywhere because it doesn’t have the resistance of the water? Once you put that resistance to that powerful engine, then you could take the speed and go for it, you have to have resistance in your life. We talk a lot about failure how failure is good. Failure is expected if you want success. Okay. So if you Know that every time you fail, that’s a good thing. Imagine what that does for your self worth. Imagine what that does to your self esteem.
Doreen 20:07
Yes, exactly. Yeah. So I think the important thing is to awareness, redesigning what you want knowing with clarity. And you know, when we coach when we coach people, we don’t, I’m the type of person I want to do like 10 different things, right? So when I’m trying to build something, or achieve something, I’m like, hey, I’m gonna, like, do this, do that. When we coach people we really try to, we got to focus in on one goal, you know, because one goal, if we can get it down, pack, is that the right word? With one goal in mind, just to convey a big goal or little goal. And then we can work on oh, okay, so I want to have this goal, I have to have these thoughts to get this goal. Now, I’m aware that my primitive brain is going to take me to a different thought, oh, I gotta change that thought, because I got this goal, I’m going to read it just working on it every day. This is daily thought work. You cannot skip it. It doesn’t have to be an hour day, you could do this work a few minutes a day seriously, if you did it consistently, and you had your goal intact, and you understood it, you will achieve the goal, period. It just works at simple.
Jeff 21:31
I told them to my client, I was just gonna say I was telling one of my clients the other day to guard the door of your mind. So if you’re doing that, and you’re constantly guarding that door to your brain, you’re going to be able to determine what thoughts you let in? What thoughts you let out? And what are you going to do with those thoughts, right. So you’re taking control of your destiny, you’re taking control, you’re taking your power back.
Doreen 22:00
And I think what’s true, and what I think is, is amazing as humans, the humans that we are, that we have this pre frontal cortex, which is truly the key to unlocking and replacing old bots with new thoughts. So that we can design and improve and be whatever it is we want to be. It’s as simple as that. We have that given gift, right? So how many of us just I think the awareness today, in this episode will hopefully, you know, be enough for some people to start gaining self worth, and recognizing the negative saw self talk and how to shift that. Because your future truly can be anything that you want it to be.
Jeff 22:50
That’s true. It’s all about your thoughts.
Doreen 22:52
So remember that it starts with a thought. Be mindful of your thoughts, and choose positive thoughts to replace negative thoughts. Gain yourself worth gain today, don’t wait. There’s nothing. There’s no waiting. What are we waiting for? Right? There’s nothing to wait for how to dress. What I hear is like, well, I don’t want to do this right now. Because I’m in the middle of a divorce. Let me tell you something. Today, you’re in the middle of divorce. And tomorrow, you know, somebody you love gets hurt or sick or you lose a job. There’s always something so why not now, what’s the thing about the present moment, that saying?
Jeff 23:35
Oh, the life – the past is gone, tomorrow’s a mystery, Today’s the gift. That’s why they call it the present.
Doreen 23:42
It’s a present, right? So take the present that we have today. And let’s make something amazing out of your life out of your self worth. Let’s start building it today.
Jeff 23:51
Amen to that.
Doreen 23:52
All right, everybody. Listen, have an amazing week. We’ll talk to you next week and be kind to yourself and others. And that’s it.
Jeff 24:01
Talk to you soon. Bye bye.
Jeff 24:11
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com. That’s LAD as in lad-coaching.com.
Doreen 24:33
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can..
Doreen & Jeff 24:39
Have an amazing life after divorce.
