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Ep. 161 – What’s luck and hope have to do with it?

In this episode, Doreen and Jeff dive into the impact of relying on hope and luck, and how these attitudes can actually hinder your future results. They explore the common mindset of saying “someday if I’m lucky enough” or “I hope so,” and explain why these thoughts can keep you stuck in place rather than moving forward.

Learn how to shift your mindset from wishful thinking to setting powerful, intentional goals. Doreen and Jeff share strategies for making a commitment to your goals and taking massive, purposeful action to achieve them. Tune in to discover how you can transform your approach and start creating the future you truly desire.

Transcript

Jeff 00:03
Hello, everyone out there. So today we’re going to be talking about the concepts of hope and luck. So if you’re ready with Episode 161, let’s get started.

Doreen 00:24
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire as partners, both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

Jeff 00:57
Hello, Doreen, how are you?

Doreen 00:58
Good. How are you?

Jeff 01:00
Love the way you laugh every time I say hello.

Doreen 01:03
I know it’s just so funny because we’ve like, been together most of the day, but yeah.

Jeff 01:09
I’m acting like I’ve just seen you for the first time.

Doreen 01:11
Exactly. But yeah, it’s been a it’s been a tough, it’s been a tough, tough cup. We’re definitely in the we talk about life being 50/50, we’ve been in the 50 part of not so good for the last number of weeks. Unfortunately, we’ve had some really, we’ve had some grandparents pass away.

Jeff 01:35
Yes, we have.

Doreen 01:36
It’s been a challenging time, including your mom. I’m so sorry, my mother in law, Sandy, and the children’s grandfather, Jack, so it’s been a really tough time. And you know, they were in their 80s, and actually, you know, had a very blessed life, not that it makes it any easier, as I say, right?

Jeff 01:58
You know, no matter how much you expected. You’re never really ready.

Doreen 02:03
No, but it helps, I think, to reposition, to think about what’s important in life, and to really think about what’s important in life. You know, just like divorce, divorce is one of those situations where it kind of hit you in the face many times. You’re not expecting it. You certainly don’t go into a marriage thinking you’re going to get divorced, right? And so a lot of times, I think it’s kind of that wake up call, and I think it’s I experience the same kind of emotions dealing with the death of our parents. You know, this has been kind of like that. What am I doing with my life? Where do I want it to be? Don’t sweat the small stuff,

Jeff 02:46
Appreciating what you have.

Doreen 02:48
Appreciating what you have that you know, no matter what you’re going through, especially divorce, like it will be okay, like, it could be so much worse.

Jeff 02:57
We’ve taken a real strong look at our health lately as well. Health and what we can do to maximize our life span and our health span.

Doreen 03:08
I think it’s important the health span being to have a life, especially as you get older, that is vibrant, and you know that physically you’re as as mobile as you can be, especially seeing our parents kind of, you know, get to that point where it was very difficult to get around and, you know, even just to walk from here to there, whatever it was. So I think it’s really important. And in today’s world, there’s so much available that you can really do to as as we’ve learned, be the CEO of your health exactly, and I think that’s really important. You have to take charge. Don’t just trust what your doctors tell you, or, you know, all your providers listen. They’re amazing, and they have so much to give and contribute. And you know, God bless them for what they do in the careers that they’ve chosen. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t also see what they’re talking about, if that’s the right thing for you. I mean, Jeff, you’re dealing with your own issues. I don’t know if you want to share any of that.

Jeff 04:15
Well, four years ago, I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, and I have knee injuries and shoulder injuries, and you know, there’s a few things that are going on there that are a little minor than that, but understanding that I have to take charge of myself, or you’re going to sit around and feel blue and feel sorry for yourself, or rely on what the doctors are saying. And through research, I found that doctors aren’t saying anything. What that what’s going on, except what they know. You know, and doctors know only what they’ve learned. And you have to realize your doctor may have learned about what they know twenty years ago.

Doreen 05:00
Correct. Or they may be in a specific area. It’sthundering here in Florida.

Jeff 05:07
I love the weather.

Doreen 05:08
I know, so I apologize for that, because we’re filming. We film from our house, and it’s really stormy here in in Florida right now. So you might hear some light, some thunder, and we also have our dogs with us, Coda and Zen. But anyhow, as you were saying, the doctors, you know, they specialize in certain areas, like with the Parkinson’s or certain treatments that we’re looking at for you. And you know, they they focus in on a particular type of treatment. So important to see what’s available and what’s out there, right?

Jeff 05:37
So, and there’s so many different areas of health as well, you know. So there’s, you know, physical, the mental, cancer, your Alzheimer’s. I mean, there’s so many things that are going on today, that you have to, you know, study and look into and do the best you can to, you know, take control.

Doreen 05:59
Take control of it, right? So, okay, so anyhow Today is about Episode 161 being lucky and hopeful. I want to say, versus being proactive and goal oriented.

Jeff 06:16
That’s a good okay, yeah, good comparison.

Doreen 06:18
I kind of changed the title right there a little bit.

Jeff 06:21
We’re also going to talk about how one may be an inaction and to counter it with action.

Doreen 06:29
And you know, the concepts that we talk about are even though we really talk about divorce and people going through divorce as kind of the platform that we our niche. As they say, this is all relevant to anyone in life. It doesn’t matter where you are, what you’re going through. Divorce just happens to be our thing. And also, we started video thing, videotaping these, so if you’re listening to this, you can come see us also by video. So I think we’re, we’ve got a YouTube station that should be up and running pretty soon. So you may be hearing this. A YouTube station may not be up yet, but it will be soon, and if you’d rather see us, hello.

Jeff 07:15
Well, also we’re going to have the video podcast and the audio podcast on our website, LAD-coaching.com.

Doreen 07:25
So you’re putting the video on as well or link to it.

Jeff 07:28
Yeah, we have the blogs on video, and we have our videos there, so we’re going to put them on there as well.

Doreen 07:34
I know it’s going to be a longer episode, because I want to talk about also your the giveaway right now that’s going on. So we have a giveaway going on, and if you’re interested in learning more about that, where do they reach you? Jeff?

Jeff 07:50
Well, they can reach me at [email protected], that’s my email address. They can shoot me an email, and I’ll send them the entry form. Not that that’s going to give you a little bit of a benefit, that it came from me, but wink wink, but reach out to me as soon as possible, because we only have a few more weeks.

Doreen 08:11
That’s it. So the giveaway is for what we one of our programs, which is the Thrive After Divorce program, which is program, our top program. It includes 12 weeks, and there’s a series of videos that we did, and then some worksheets. But don’t get afraid with that, you know, or concern, because there’s also one on one coaching, and it’s super cool, because it really is like a jump start to getting your life back. Well, maybe not even back. I want to see bet say better than it was before.

Jeff 08:42
That’s what it says on the website, you really want your life back? Would you like something better?

Doreen 08:49
Something better always, you know.

Jeff 08:51
Whether you’re married or not, whether you’re worried, and

Doreen 08:54
Having just experienced, you know, death in our family, it’s like you’re reminded that I always say, this is not a dress rehearsal. This life is the life. This is it.

Jeff 09:04
It’s true.

Doreen 09:04
Here on Earth, okay, this is it. This is our physical being, life. This is where you get to make a difference all over, you know, the world on whatever you want to do. It could be with your children. It could be something bigger. I mean, it could be for us. You know, doing this podcast is something we wanted to give back. We’re on Episode 161 and we do one every single week. It’s it’s our give back. It’s our thing. It’s our legacy. It’s gonna be here when we’re not around, right?

Jeff 09:32
And it’s fun. Love doing it with so let’s talk. Yeah, I also wait before you start. I wanted to also when you were talking about how the things that we coach are for anybody out there, not just for divorce, and typically, you know the name of our company’s life after divorce, so if you’re post divorce, you are a part of those people that aren’t going through divorce anymore, or just regular people. So I would say that what we’re going to share is for everyone.

Doreen 10:05
I think 90% of what we share is for anyone. It just, you know, we’re just, again, using divorce as a platform. But, um, and what a beautiful time to to take the time to slow down and figure out what you want your life to look like moving forward.

Jeff 10:23
I think that was our episode last week, slowing down, taking your time, taking a deep breath, and kind of figuring out what it is you want and how you’re going to get there.

Doreen 10:34
So let’s talk about luck. Because I think you know, many of our clients believe that hope is a positive emotion and a concept, right? But it’s really the way that you think that transforms your life and when you when you’re thinking things like, I hope one day, or, if I’m lucky, I will those types of thoughts while they sound kind of fun and interesting, because when you think about like luck, you might think about like a lottery or winning something like those types of things. But when you use it in the general sense of goal setting and what you want your life to be. I think it can do more harm than good many times.

Jeff 11:26
I think it’s very deceptive, if you think about it, the word hope, I mean, in society, we look at, oh, I have we have hope, and it’s a positive thing. But if you hope for something, automatically, your mind goes into scarcity. That means that you’re hoping for something better, or you hope for this, and you hope for that. That means that that’s something you don’t have yet. So you’re coming from a place of scarcity. And then also, what does that do? That puts you on a I’m going to wait and see, type of mentality.

Doreen 12:01
I think it kind of gives you a reason not to take action.

Jeff 12:05
Oh, that’s true too.

Doreen 12:07
It you’re not taking responsibility for what you want and and taking the action you need to to get there. Like I hope I can do this. So I think that it can be, I don’t know how to say it, but basically, when you’re when you say those things like, I hope this will happen, or I hope to.

Jeff 12:38
Well, let’s use an example. I hope, I can, I hope I can lose weight, you know, I hope so, right? What does that do? What were you saying?

Doreen 12:47
Well, I think that if you say I hope I’m gonna, I hope I can lose weight, there’s, there’s no responsibility there, there’s no action there. It’s just saying, yeah, maybe one day I’ll do it. It’s really kind of taking the easy way out, right? Because luck has nothing to do with losing weight. Luck has absolutely nothing to do with most of the goals that you’re setting.

Jeff 13:07
Neither does hope.

Doreen 13:09
Well, that’s what I’m saying. Hope or luck have nothing to do with it. If you want to lose weight, if you want to find love again, for example, if you want to meet somebody after the divorce, if that’s important to you, hope, I hope I’ll meet somebody again has nothing to do. Or if I’m lucky, if I’m lucky now, yes, there are circumstances where you might run into somebody unexpectedly, at some way then, or at some situation, and you spark, you know, the spark is there, and it turns into something, and it becomes a romantic relationship. But most of us need to get ourselves out there, right?

Jeff 13:50
But that’s the thing. That’s the thing.

Doreen 13:52
Let me finish the example.

Jeff 13:53
Go ahead.

Doreen 13:54
Most of us need to get ourselves out there, right? You can’t just hope to find love again. We have to get on a dating site. Get introduced to people when we’re at events. Go up and say hello, go out on dates. Many of them probably won’t be great, but, you know, it’s a numbers game. Get out there and mingle right until you find love again. It’s not going to just fall into your lap. Now it did with you and I.

Jeff 14:22
Boy, was I lucky? No, what I was going to say was,

Doreen 14:27
Wait, what you were going to follow up on?

Jeff 14:29
Yes, I was going to follow up and say, when you said you might get lucky and run into somebody, you took the action to get out there to be able to run into somebody. So there’s people that’ll just sit back and hope and wish and pray that that something comes to them. If you’re just you’re getting out there, and let’s say you’re going to networking events, or you’re going to party, and you happen to meet somebody, was that luck or something that you created?

Doreen 15:03
No, I disagree with you, and here’s why, because we will find evidence of what we want. So if, let’s say I’m going to a networking event, okay, but I’m look, but I’m also, one of my goals is to find love again after divorce, okay? And I’m going to a networking event and I’m there for the purposes of business networking. That is my mindset. I’m there to meet some connections, right? I’m not thinking about finding love again. I probably am not going to then be in a mindset to find someone that might be at that event, that also is single, that also is looking for love that might be a good match. You have to have a thought and a mindset to be in a particular place, a space, an environment, an action, in order to find evidence of it. So if I go to a networking event and I just happen to find somebody there that also is interested in potentially dating, but I wasn’t thinking that way. That might be luck, because you’re not really seeking it out.

Jeff 16:10
Okay, well, let’s talk about you and I yeah, you went to the mall to go shopping. I went to the mall shopping. You were at lunch and I was at lunch. Yeah, you know when our eyes crossed and we met, yes, okay, was that luck? Was I, was hoping to meet somebody? No, I was there to go shopping. You were there to go shopping, right? Or was it maybe destiny, or was it fate?

Doreen 16:34
I don’t know, but we’re talking about luck and hope versus taking action. So I, let me answer the question, right? I think that when I was there at the mall, I was there primarily, if I recall 50, almost 15 years ago, or 15, over 15 years ago now that I was looking for I was there on a lunch break, on a Friday looking for outfits for me and the girls for a fourth of July event, I think the next day or the next couple days after, I wasn’t there looking for love. I just happened to be stopping to have lunch, and you were there. However, I was open to dating. At that point, I was dating, so my mindset was that I was in a public space, and, yeah, I was looking around, and you were a very handsome man, and our eyes met, and I said, wow and I noticed that you weren’t wearing a ring and, and I think that’s that the energy, because my mind was open to it brought you over to my table to say hello.

Jeff 17:44
I guess that’s another part of it, having that open mind, of realizing what your goals are, and some things fall into your lap, like maybe a promotion or a job or or a client. You meet a new client or something that falls into your lap, and you have to be mentally ready, physically ready, and emotionally ready to allow that to happen.

Doreen 18:08
Well, that goes into our usual, you know, coaching, I’m going to call it the protocol of our coaching, which is your thoughts, create a feeling, create an action, create a result, right?

Jeff 18:21
Exactly.

Doreen 18:22
So when you think about the word hope, or you have a feeling of hope, I think it’s really important that you register how that feels for you, right, as opposed to basically a different thought, which is, I’m going to find someone or I know I’ll find love again. One can let me just say the statements, okay, I want, I want to. These are the thoughts, let’s just say, try these on for size in your mind. The one thought you’re having is, I hope I’ll find love again someday. Okay, okay. So that thought, that’s a thought, okay, has a feeling associated with it, of hope. And then there isn’t a lot of action that I can see that goes with that thought, right?

Jeff 19:17
Not a lot of commitment.

Doreen 19:18
Well, there’s not an action, because your feeling is hope. And so how does hope feeling? It feels kind of neutral. It feels like kind of, maybe a neutral feeling in your body, as opposed to, if I have the thought, I will, I know, find love again someday.

Jeff 19:36
Yes, I deserve it, and I will find it.

Doreen 19:38
Okay, but I will, I know find love again someday. That sounds different. That’s a different thought that, to me, derives a feeling of energy, of action, because you know you’re gonna do it, you’re energized, and then you’re gonna take the action to take to make it happen.

Jeff 19:59
I also think, and I agree with you 100% that when you say, I hope, or if I’m lucky, I will, or something like that, it almost takes the result and the action off of your shoulders, or you’re almost depending upon something miraculous to happen, or something that’s out of your control, yeah, when you say what you said, I will,

Doreen 20:24
I will. I know I love again, right.

Jeff 20:27
Then you’re taking that responsibility back on your shoulders, powers you to do it.

Doreen 20:32
Because now you’re committed.

Jeff 20:34
Exactly.

Doreen 20:34
You’re well, you’re committed to it, right? And if you’re committed to something, that is what makes all the difference in the world, right?

Jeff 20:44
Absolutely, absolutely.y

Doreen 20:47
You can, you can do this in so many different areas of your life. You know, whether it’s I, you know, think about it. I hope that I can have a business one day. I hope that I will stop drinking so much someday. I hope that I’ll be, you know, financially set one day. Hope is a promise of something like you’re saying external that you can’t control. Hope takes the action out of the lives, out of your life, and leaves us in waiting, right, and wanting, yeah.

Jeff 21:18
Or also, if you say something like, if, if I’m lucky, she’ll call or, or something like that, then it devalues what you have to offer, right? Like, luck has something nothing to do with if there was chemistry between us, like when we met, because I got up off my butt and walked over to you, okay? Because I’m a confident person, and so I got up and went over to you, and I took the luck factor out of it, right? Okay, so if I was waiting for luck to happen, you know, maybe you would have came over to me, or I was sitting there waiting. But I’m not the type of person that waits you take action and things can happen. You might have said, Hey, I’m married, or I have a boyfriend or something, but just nice to meet you. Okay, you have nothing to lose by taking the action that you want for your goals and what you want in life, right?

Doreen 22:17
Exactly. Yeah. So I think, yeah.

Jeff 22:22
The other thing I want to talk about real quick is the primitive brain.

Doreen 22:26
Well, that’s, that’s where I was going to go, is that the, I think, the luck, or the hope of something, you know, is the primitive brain.

Doreen 22:33
Because it’s why, because it’s easy.easy.

Doreen 22:38
It’s just putting, putting the, putting the work that needs to get done on something else.

Jeff 22:46
That is not even, it’s not even an intangible, it’s on luck. What is that? What is hope? It’s all in your mind. If you have the mindset of, well, no, I’m going to take action and go for it, because I’m working with my, my prefrontal cortex that gets things done, right? Okay, then things get done absolutely here we are, 15 years later, incredibly happily married. Why are you laughing?

Doreen 23:14
I would consider us happy for sure, like I would say that we’re on a scale one to 10. We’re definitely there. You know, has it always been that way?

Jeff 23:25
No, well, that’s marriage in general.

Doreen 23:27
Well, that’s what I also want to, you know, we might as well since you opened the door, okay? I mean, look, marriage of 15 years isn’t always happy times. There have been some rough times and some sad times, like we just went through with, you know, deaths in our family, but there’s been some challenging times in our marriage, and that’s part of just understanding that there is no perfect. There is no 100% perfect. There is no, you know, like happily ever after there that doesn’t exist. And it’s kind of in my mind, I don’t want to get too much down that rabbit hole. But, you know, we tell these young children that, you know these stories happily ever after, and believe me, they’re beautiful. And you know all of that. And thank you Disney and all of the other people that do this. It’s great. It’s great, but, but it’s also not reality. And I think the sooner that they learn that it’s, it’s a combination of good times and bad times that’s, that’s important as well. And I think it’ll, I think marriages and relationships would be a lot better true if you didn’t have that high expectation of perfect every single time. It just doesn’t exist. I think we need to tell our children that, Okay, I’m off that side. Sorry.

Jeff 24:44
I think the bottom line of what we’re trying to say is that when you hope for something, or you wish you were luckier at something, you put a pause on action, on your actions, and delay the results and the goals that you want.

Doreen 25:03
Yeah, yeah. I think it’s a way of just putting that a lot of pressure on yourself, right?

Jeff 25:10
And when you’re hopeful and you’re lucky, you’re taking the pressure off of yourself, which, you know, remember the one saying I always like, is pressure creates diamonds, right? So the more pressure that you put on yourself, the more actions that you take that maybe make you a little bit more uncomfortable. It wasn’t easy to go over to you and say, hi, you know, but I had nothing to lose. The more you take yourself out of a comfort zone, the better the results you’re going to have in your life.

Doreen 25:39
Absolutely. I mean, look, instead of hoping for whatever it is, fill in the break the blank, whatever it is you want as you, you know, get past the divorce and on with your life. Instead of hoping for it, you just need to simply create it, right? Yeah, could there be some luck along the way, for sure, like there, you know, but, but you gotta create it. You gotta take action on it. And what I think is so amazingly beautiful as humans, and especially, you know, here, where we in the United States, is that there is no end of possibility as to what you want to accomplish. You can do and be anything that you want. It’s just a matter of setting that intention, that goal, not relying on hope or luck, but making it happen, and yeah, it’s gonna be hard. It’s gonna be challenging. That’s the way it is.

Jeff 26:47
Well, you know what happens? You end up building your capabilities. You end up building your capacities, and definitely your confidence is built as well. And it’s almost like that snowball going down a hill when you start building your confidence and building what you’re capable of and what you’re the capacity of how much you can do, it gets to be endless after a while. Absolutely, it’s one of the confidence when it starts being built. It’s almost non stoppable, absolutely, and an amazing feeling.

Doreen 27:21
Yeah, and it just takes time. Yeah, you know, it’s so beautiful. As a mentor to lawyers and legal team, you know, doing this for 30 years, I love, I love seeing a new lawyer, for example, come into my firm and start their career, and we start to teach them, and they start to grow the confidence. And it’s, it’s experience, it’s, it’s trial and error, you know, with us watching them, of course, and protecting them, but it’s getting in there and actually doing it and becoming really good at it. And then when you watch them years out, as they grow, and then they’re doing what they had such a challenge doing just a year beforehand, and they’re doing it like clockwork, right? It’s that confidence, it’s that building, it’s that goal setting, it’s that experience, and yeah, it’s gonna take that so while hope, and you know, all of that sounds fun and fairy taley and all that. The bottom line is to the listeners, what I think we want to impress on you is, where are you relying on hope or luck to get you where you want to go? It really does. It really requires a deep conversation internally with yourself as to what that looks like. You know, in coaching, I know that you’ve dealt with clients that you’ve uncovered this, this, this thought of hope being this underlying like, yeah, I hope you know whatever, whatever it’s going to be and and it’s like, it takes a while to get there, but when you uncover that, what happens?

Jeff 29:05
Well, it’s, it’s almost like you give hope a little bit of a help.

Doreen 29:11
You get a lot of help.

Jeff 29:12
You can kind of create your own luck, right? And a lot of that’s, you know, just preparation, goal setting, taking action, taking the appropriate action, having the right thoughts. And you may may perceive it as, Wow, I’m very lucky today. Why? But Well, they say luck is preparedness, meet, meeting opportunity. That’s true. So when you’re ready for something, and you’re prepared for something, and the opportunity comes up like us at the mall, yeah, yeah, you might think, Oh, wow, I am so lucky. I met you. But was it really luck, right? Or are we trained through society and trained in our brain? To think lucky, think hopeful, right? And really, you can create your own luck, and you can also give hope a little boot in the butt and make it happen sooner versus later.

Doreen 30:14
Absolutely, good.

Jeff 30:17
Excellent. Well, I hope we got our point across.

Doreen 30:21
You hope, yeah, with any luck, we did.

Jeff 30:26
So you were going to mention the giveaway.

Doreen 30:28
I already did mention the giveaway. I already did. But for those of you that wanted to try to win the win a we have, I think, a second prize too, right?

Jeff 30:40
Yes.

Doreen 30:40
So the first prize is the Thrive After Divorce, full program. I think it’s valued at, what’s the value of that?

Jeff 30:47
$3,500

Doreen 30:48
That’s a lot of money. That’s a lot of money. But what do you have to lose? Right? And then what’s the second prize?

Jeff 30:58
I’m not going to tell them, they have to reach out, you know? And again, it may not be luck, it may be just that take the two minutes to fill out the entry form and submit it. That’s not luck.

Doreen 31:11
That’s action, right?

Jeff 31:12
That’s action. Takes the action because I guarantee you one thing, and I promise this from the bottom of my heart, if you don’t enter, you’re not gonna win. All right, everybody, have an amazing week, yes, and we’ll see you next talk to you next week.

Doreen 31:28
See you next week, bye.

Jeff 31:39
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at LAD-coaching.com that’s LAD as in LAD-coaching.com

Doreen 32:01
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day and remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.

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