Ep. 175 – Embracing the New Year

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;18;14
Jeff
Hello? Everybody out there. Today we’re going to be talking about navigating life after divorce and starting a new year with a fresh perspective. So if you’re ready for episode 175, let’s get started.

00;00;18;16 – 00;00;24;25
Jeff
You.

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Doreen
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire as partners, both in marriage and coaching. We use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences, to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

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Jeff
Hey, Jeff. Hello there Doreen.

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Doreen
Well, happy new year.

00;01;00;12 – 00;01;02;23
Jeff
Happy New Year to you, too. And everybody out there.

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Doreen
Yeah, I know we 25 since it was as this podcast gets aired, the new year has already started.

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Jeff
Yes, but this is our first podcast in the new year and we’re very excited about the year to come.

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Doreen
You know, it’s always interesting that New Year’s how they’re. It’s like, what am I going to change? What are my New year commitments, my resolutions, as they say. And as coaches, I think that we we believe you could start a new at any time. That’s the first.

00;01;31;29 – 00;01;47;14
Jeff
Thing. Well, that’s what we that’s what we. Coach Mosley is that whenever you want you all it takes is a certain thought and a change and a desire. And you can make any change you want at any time, right? Yeah. That’s the beauty of it.

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Doreen
Well, easier said than done, though, right?

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Jeff
I think that people focus on it more because of the new year, and everybody has New Year’s resolutions, and it’s.

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Doreen
Kind of a thing.

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Jeff
Yeah, it’s a thing, it’s a thing.

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Doreen
But what we’re saying. So fine, we’ll embrace this thing the new year and we’re happy to talk about it. And we want you all to think about the new year. And so to begin, we think it’s really important that you look at the past, the present and the future, right. Kind of do like a little bit of summary of what happened, let’s just say in 2024.

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Doreen
Right?

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Jeff
Right.

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Doreen
So as as we embrace the new year, let’s start with basically the past. Let’s talk about the past. So let’s talk about what this looks like. So we all know divorce is emotional. It’s challenging. But it’s also an opportunity. And we’re I think thank you. But let’s send please our other friend, she who is, not here, he she’s in heaven.

00;02;46;29 – 00;03;20;10
Doreen
But anyhow, so divorce is an opportunity for rebirth and growth. And, you know, it’s important that you take some time to reflect on what you’ve learned this past year. Let’s say, about yourself during the process, what have you uncovered? Because I know it’s been challenging. Right. And I don’t think that we take enough time to always stop and think about, well, what does this mean?

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Doreen
What have I learned? Right. So let’s reflect on that. What lessons have we learned? I remember it’s okay to have like mixed emotions, grief, relief, hope, even excitement of what’s to come. Okay so that’s the first thing. Now you’re going to talk a little bit about the present.

00;03;38;20 – 00;04;05;12
Jeff
Well you know yeah. Let’s focus on the present. You know, the new year can be like a blank canvas. Right. So as an artist, you have a blank canvas ready to create this masterpiece. And, you know, you’re setting your goals. Consider them to be, smart goals that are small, they can be achievable. They can be, you know, very, very important to you.

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Jeff
Something like a new hobby or reconnecting with old friends, you know, or simply just taking the time to make some minor changes in your life.

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Doreen
Well, or major.

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Jeff
Or major.

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Doreen
I. Minor. I’m curious as to why you said minor.

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Jeff
Well, because I think that people want so much in such a quick period of time that there’s that they get discouraged, get over it. They’re not very realistic about their goals.

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Doreen
Well, why do most, you know, New Year’s resolutions fall by the wayside?

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Jeff
Well, I think they’re trying to eat an elephant way too quickly. Yeah. They don’t have the time. Well, nothing worthwhile is ever quick and easy. No, it’s if you have worthwhile goals that are very important to you, you have to allow the time to make it happen.

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Doreen
Absolutely. And you have to welcome things like failure. We’re going to talk a little bit more about that today. But, you know, failure is an indication. Oh, that didn’t work. But that doesn’t mean stop. That means thank you very much for telling me showing me that this didn’t work. Let’s continue on and try something new.

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Jeff
I’ve learned a new way that it didn’t work right. So now I’m close to finding out how it will work.

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Doreen
So I think it’s important we look at the past like we discussed. We look at the present. What do we have today? What do we want to change? And then let’s look forward to the future. Let’s really look forward to this new year, this new life, this new, you know, past the divorce, whatever that is for you. If you’re thinking about divorce, maybe you would consider these things as well.

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Doreen
They might be helpful in making a decision. But, you know, as you look forward and you look to the future, so you’re looking forward to the future. Think about the life you want to create. Much of what you said, you’re saying, you know presently, what are you doing? What do you want to do now? I want people to really vision visualize that right.

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Doreen
What does it look like? Can you see it? Some people like to use vision board.

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Jeff
As a vision board. Yes, some.

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Doreen
People like to journal. Some people even like to talk to themself in the future sense. Yes. You know, something like, well, put yourself in that role and how would you act, how would you behave? How would you present to the world? We talk about that in coaching as well. You know, there’s this expression fake it to your make it.

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Doreen
We’re not talking about faking it to make it. We’re talking about really having that mindset and that philosophy. I already am that person. What would I do? So the next thing is what can you do? What are the steps that you need to get to take to get there?

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Jeff
Yeah, I think I think when you say fake it till you make it, I think it I think we can change a fake it because you’re going to make it right. I think that you have to become what you’re living now, right? Yeah. And so that when you do set your goals, they’re believable, they’re attainable. And you can also, you know, start to focus in on truly becoming and reinventing yourself the way you want to be.

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Doreen
Yeah. But true. Yeah. Oh that’s true. Yeah. But as I look, you know, as we talk about the future, what I want to say is, what are you doing about reaching that dream? It can’t just be. This is what I want. That’s a beautiful thing. That’s part of it. Figuring that out. Using your past and your present to figure that out.

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Doreen
Now, what do you need to do to get there right. Because I think most of us know what to do to reach certain goals. I like to use weight loss, so I’ll use it again. But basically, we know most of us said if we want to lose weight, get in better shape, we’re going to have to eat better, restrict calories, go to the gym, workout, do certain things.

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Doreen
We know that the question is why don’t we do it? So when you look to the future and let’s say if weight loss was your goal and you want to lose 15 pounds, now, what do I have to do to get there? Devise your plan. Because like you said, it doesn’t come easy. You have to take one little bite of that elephant, you know?

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Doreen
How do we. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. You got to take that little bite. But you have to take consistent bites, right? You can’t just take one bite. It’s that’s not going to finish the whole elephant. You got to take consistent little bites until it’s until you get there. So the other important thing for the future is who do you have in your life that’s going to support this dream of yours, this goal of.

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Jeff
Your support group?

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Doreen
You need people reach out. Okay. If family friends support books, you know, podcasts like ours, whatever you need to surround yourself to keep you focused. You know, excited, enthused to give you that energy. Those are the people, the things that you want around you.

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Jeff
One thing you could do?

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Doreen
Weight. You don’t want weight because I want to stay on this thought.

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Jeff
Ahead.

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Doreen
Okay?

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Jeff
What you don’t.

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Doreen
Want is to surround yourself or have people that are going to be downers for you. Debbie Downers.

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Jeff
Debbie Downer.

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Doreen
Debbie downers. We don’t want that. We want to get rid of the Debbie Downer. So if you’re trying to lose weight and you have someone in your life that is not really a great role model when it comes to that, has a bad experience with dieting, is probably going to give you all kinds of negative feedback. Just don’t talk to that person about that, right?

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Doreen
Or, you know, if maybe this person shouldn’t be in your life, that’s a bigger decision. Now, do you want to talk about this or change to something else?

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Jeff
I’m just talking about this. You know, we also suggest that you find a goal, buddy. So if you’re losing weight with a friend and you have similar goals and you’re doing it with somebody, or you’re being held accountable, they’re meeting you at the at the gym and, you know, they’re helping you devise, an eating plan. It’s good to have a goal, buddy.

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Doreen
So let’s remember as we talk about, some of the other things to help you, give you some support. I’m sorry. I have a little bit of a a flu I’m dealing with, so my voice is a little off today. But anyhow, remember that divorce is not the end. It’s a new beginning, right? It’s. It’s putting to rest what was hopefully finding peace with that.

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Doreen
Hopefully finding the good about that. Remember, we always say that divorce or the end of a marriage doesn’t mean the marriage failed. It just means that it’s the end of that relationship, the end of the marriage. In many cases, you go on to a new relationship, for example, as co-parents, right? But remember, divorce is not the end. There’s so many possibilities, so many things that you can now open your mind up, open your heart to open your time to, and get excited about.

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Jeff
And I think that goes back to failures, talking about failure that, you know, failure isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And a lot of people have that mentality that when they’re going through a divorce, they’ve failed in their marriage and they didn’t necessarily fail, but they found a new beginning. They’re reinventing themselves. They’re finding a new.

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Doreen
Exactly. All right. So one of the things that we want to talk about is re when I think about New Years and I think about new things and I think about, you know, reaching these new goals, these aspirations, I think about it as reinventing ourselves. Right, right, right. It’s kind of I don’t know, it’s kind of a fun way of kind of looking at it, mean venting myself right now.

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Doreen
Many people reinvent themselves without the, I’m going to call it the benefit of an event happening in their life, like losing a job. Let’s say you get fired, right? You get fired, and then you have to reinvent yourself in your career or in divorce. Maybe you didn’t want the divorce, or maybe you didn’t want the divorce, but the divorce really is a platform, a structure that forces you into reinvention, where other times in life maybe you don’t have that opportunity right?

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Jeff
Right.

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Doreen
You know what I’m saying? Like, sometimes it takes something not so great to hit you right between the eyes and say, hey, listen, we’re gonna change things around a little bit. We’re not going to be married anymore. So that’s going to force us into certain circumstances. We’re going to have to move homes.

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Jeff
We’re going to have a place to live.

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Doreen
Kids got to have a new schedule, right? We got to figure out how we’re going to co-parent together. We got to divide assets. We got to figure out support, all the things. So kind of forces you into it, right? Yeah.

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Jeff
Well, we talk about the model. That’s our circumstance. You know, that’s something that we have to do when we deal with the model. So you have your circumstance and then you have your thought about it. And then the feeling that you get from that thought. And then there’s a certain action that comes from that feeling. Right. And then it gives you the new results in your life.

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Doreen
Okay. And how are you applying in that to this?

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Jeff
Well, when you are approached with a divorce, it’s a circumstance. Right? Okay. Let’s say somebody has filed for divorce. That is your new circumstance. And you may have a thought that, oh, woe is me. I don’t want to go through a divorce. This is terrible. And you’re focusing all on all the negative things that come with a divorce, because let’s face it, they do come.

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Jeff
And your thought may be something totally different because you want to change your resolve. So you have a different thought, maybe. Oh, this is again like a chance for rebirth or a chance for to reinvent myself. This is a chance for me to be free and do what I want to do.

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Doreen
So what you’re suggesting is that the circumstances, the fact of the divorce, and now we’re going to use the new year as a platform, as a way to now say, let’s have a thought that’s like, now I can start something new, different, fresh.

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Jeff
Correct?

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Doreen
Okay. Well, that’s what I wanted to fall into because to me, I see it as let’s look at this as a clean slate. If you had the opportunity, which you do, because nobody says you have to do anything. Right, right. You don’t have to get up today. You don’t have to go to work. You don’t have to even take care of your kids.

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Doreen
You don’t have to drive them to school. These are all choices. Now, I’m gonna suggesting wouldn’t be bad parents or not good people or not productive. But I’m just saying you have choices in life. You don’t have to do anything. You can stay home today under the covers and just not do anything.

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Jeff
And that’s whether you’re married or not.

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Doreen
Right? So let’s think of this as we have today, moving forward now to say, what are we going to keep in our life and what are we going to change for this new year? So consider things like your relationships, your behaviors. This is introspective as well. What don’t I like that I do all the time, or that I shouldn’t be doing?

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Doreen
Or maybe I should be doing something like I said, something else. Your living situation, especially in divorce, think about where you’re going to live. What does that look like? What do you want your space to look like? Your home? Your interior? The exterior? How do you want it close to a park? Do you want to close to the beach?

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Doreen
What are you looking for right? What kind of job do you want this year? If you’re in a job change, are you looking to change your position in your your current job, or are you looking to expand? Are you looking to open your own business? Anything that you want is where we want you to be. Meaning think about right?

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Jeff
Yeah. I mean, it could be releasing old patterns that you got into. It could be, you know, maybe the people that you’ve been friends with, you want to change something to make it serve you and want to make something that’s going to work for you instead of against you.

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Doreen
Right. And, you know, sometimes it just makes a it takes a single commitment decision to make a change, like whatever. I don’t know if you want to think of any at this point, but sometimes it can just be maybe you’re in a relationship with your soon to be ex right now where there’s a lot of toxicity still going around, you know, a lot of anger, maybe a lot of grudging, and I don’t want to be part of that anymore.

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Doreen
Right, for the new year or I want to be in a relationship. I don’t have to like him or her. I don’t have to agree with what happened, but I certainly don’t need to go backwards and rehash all that. I can take my relationship for what it is today, and I can decide to make it different, right? I can make a decision to commit to a change.

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Jeff
Well, that’s that’s the thought part.

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Doreen
Well, and what I’m saying is that as an example, if that is something you would want, you would simply now what do I have to do to get there? Well, one of the things is how do I respond to him? How do I respond to her? Right. Because most of the times in these types of relationships where there’s a lot of back and forth, you know, anger speaking, it takes two to tango, right?

00;17;11;18 – 00;17;14;01
Doreen
So you can change that. Just an example.

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Jeff
Right. And we I like to look at the reverse engineering, where you look at the result you want first. Correct. And then work it back.

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Doreen
What do I need to do to.

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Jeff
Get the five. This is the result that I want I don’t want to fight with them anymore.

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Doreen
Right?

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Jeff
Then I have to have a different action.

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Doreen
Right?

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Jeff
Okay. And and to come out with a different action, I need to feel different. And then the only way I’m going to feel different in is, is to have different thoughts.

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Doreen
Right? So you staying with this example, let’s say your thought currently about your soon to be ex or your ex is he’s We fill in the word fill. It probably has it has. You can put in several words there. Right. But when you have those type of thoughts about your ex, then what happens is your feeling is probably anger.

00;18;04;05 – 00;18;08;07
Doreen
You know, her grudge. Grudge? Yeah. Some kind of grudge feeling.

00;18;08;07 – 00;18;09;01
Jeff
Was going to be negative. It.

00;18;09;01 – 00;18;30;04
Doreen
And then what you’re going to do is your actions because you have this ongoing thought that he’s a blank is going to be negative. It’s probably going to be lashing out, maybe not passive aggressive, maybe not responding at all when they’re asking a question about the kids or, you know, there’s different ways people do it. And then the relationship, the result is it just stays toxic.

00;18;30;07 – 00;18;55;28
Doreen
So changing that thought to he’s the father of my child, well, maybe that’s of the, small starting, small little step to start. He’s the child. He’s the father of my child. She’s the mother of my child. Okay. And then the thought from that might be, she just, you know, all parents should have time with their children or something like this.

00;18;56;00 – 00;18;58;07
Jeff
Or he might be a great father.

00;18;58;10 – 00;19;04;12
Doreen
He could be a great father and just a horrible, husband. Right. Or vice versa. Right.

00;19;04;14 – 00;19;18;13
Jeff
And there are probably some things that you can dive in your past that he’s not such a bad guy. When I married him, or for the first few years or, you know, there’s been a time where he was a good guy to you or you would have never married him.

00;19;18;13 – 00;19;20;27
Doreen
Right? Right. Exactly.

00;19;20;27 – 00;19;31;01
Jeff
And by the way, for those that are listening out there, there is an unintentional model and there’s an intentional model because we’re going kind of back and forth between the two.

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Doreen
Well, why don’t you just explain the model really quick? Again, it’s a circumstance. You have a circumstance which is a fact. You have a thought.

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Jeff
Thought.

00;19;40;26 – 00;19;49;06
Doreen
About that circumstance. Right. So let’s say the circumstances the divorce. The thought is fill in the blank. Blank.

00;19;49;09 – 00;19;50;26
Jeff
Yes he’s okay. He’s or whatever.

00;19;50;26 – 00;19;57;20
Doreen
Or this is unfair or I never thought I would be here or you know, all the things.

00;19;57;22 – 00;19;58;23
Jeff
I’m scared could be.

00;19;58;23 – 00;20;26;27
Doreen
Anything. I’m scared. Right. And then you have a feeling that stems from your thought because think about it. You don’t have a feeling until you first have a thought. Exactly right. You have to have a thought. This is why two people can have a different reactive emotion and hear the exact same thing, or be part of the exact same circumstance, right?

00;20;27;00 – 00;20;41;19
Doreen
One person might take. You know, a circumstance also can be words people say, because really they’re just words until you have a thought about them. So two people can hear the same statement, let’s say pick a statement.

00;20;41;25 – 00;20;53;02
Jeff
Well, it’s it’s not necessarily a certain statement, but like let’s say in a text, you know, you could text somebody the same thing and get two different results from it because of the way you’re interpreting.

00;20;53;02 – 00;20;53;27
Doreen
Which is your thought.

00;20;53;28 – 00;20;56;20
Jeff
What what the thought is, which is an interpretation of.

00;20;56;22 – 00;21;02;06
Doreen
The circumstance of thought, the feeling. And then you have an action from that feeling.

00;21;02;06 – 00;21;28;23
Jeff
Yeah. Now let me add one thing. There’s 60,000 thoughts that we have per day as human beings. And unfortunately, maybe 59,000 of them are autopilot. They happen automatically. So in this unintentional model, you’re having a thought about the divorce. That just happens. You’re not monitoring it.

00;21;28;24 – 00;21;31;24
Doreen
You’re not mindful. You’re not aware and aware of it.

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Jeff
Right.

00;21;32;04 – 00;21;35;18
Doreen
Awareness as we have them. But you’re not aware of it, right?

00;21;35;21 – 00;21;58;08
Jeff
So you may not even be aware of that. You’re practicing the model. Where did this feeling come from? Well, it’s probably the thought that I’m having, but I’m having it unintentionally unaware. And then from there, your feelings will create those actions that are getting, you know, where that are getting you, the results that you’re having in your life that aren’t serving you.

00;21;58;08 – 00;22;00;04
Doreen
And so for the new year.

00;22;00;05 – 00;22;04;26
Jeff
If it’s for the new year, we’re going to work on our intentional models.

00;22;04;28 – 00;22;05;16
Doreen
Correct.

00;22;05;16 – 00;22;09;26
Jeff
And our attentional models. Our thoughts are conscious.

00;22;09;26 – 00;22;38;00
Doreen
So what we do is look at you can start the model discovery anywhere you want. So you can just write down circumstance thought feeling, action, result. And let’s say you have a result in your life that you don’t want, or a result in your life that you do want. Now work up or the model because the result being the same, let’s say the result was to to what?

00;22;38;03 – 00;22;43;17
Jeff
Let’s say, to reinvent yourself and be excited about finding a new place to live.

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Doreen
That’s not specific enough. Sorry, Jeff.

00;22;46;16 – 00;22;49;15
Jeff
Okay. No result.

00;22;49;22 – 00;22;51;27
Doreen
These results that you want in your life.

00;22;51;28 – 00;22;53;17
Jeff
You’re in a new apartment?

00;22;53;19 – 00;22;56;08
Doreen
Yes. You want to be in a new apartment?

00;22;56;08 – 00;22;57;05
Jeff
You’re in an.

00;22;57;07 – 00;22;58;19
Doreen
That’s the result you want?

00;22;58;19 – 00;22;59;03
Jeff
Yes.

00;22;59;05 – 00;23;16;19
Doreen
Okay. You want to be in a new home, right? So the question is, and let’s say you’re kind of, you’re you’re not really putting the effort into find this new home. You know, the house is going to get sold. You know, you need to get into a new home. So you want the result to be a nice new home.

00;23;16;22 – 00;23;18;07
Jeff
Right, with a great view of a lake.

00;23;18;14 – 00;23;21;09
Doreen
Okay. What a great whatever you want to be. Okay.

00;23;21;12 – 00;23;21;25
Jeff
Okay.

00;23;21;26 – 00;23;27;10
Doreen
So now what actions would you have to take to get there?

00;23;27;13 – 00;23;31;29
Jeff
Well, I’d have to be excited about finding a new place. Looking for a new place.

00;23;32;05 – 00;23;36;26
Doreen
You know what actions you said. Look, you’d have to look for a new place, right?

00;23;36;26 – 00;23;42;14
Jeff
You’d have to maybe call a realtor. Okay, look at look at, you know, look, start looking right.

00;23;42;15 – 00;23;45;20
Doreen
Take the time to go out. And now look at the properties.

00;23;45;23 – 00;23;46;06
Jeff
Right.

00;23;46;07 – 00;23;58;22
Doreen
Okay. In order to have those things happen, look up homes, contact the realtor, go out and look at properties. What do you think the feeling needs to be?

00;23;58;24 – 00;24;03;01
Jeff
A sense of excitement about a new beginning, right?

00;24;03;07 – 00;24;18;24
Doreen
So some fresh start, something to drive you to get up and go right to get up and find that home. So usually it’s going to be things you don’t want to wait until it’s I need to do this because they’re going to come next week and there’s a closing on the house and I’m going to be out in the street.

00;24;18;24 – 00;24;45;09
Doreen
You don’t want to go there in your life? No. A lot of people wait until they have to do things. The beauty of creating the life you want on purpose and making it amazing, is that you can do it before you have to be pushed into a position of having to address it. So finding a new beautiful home, finding the realtor, going to look at homes, having that feeling of I’m going to have a great new home, this is going to be great for me and the kids.

00;24;45;09 – 00;24;50;21
Doreen
This is going to be a new area. Can’t wait. Now has to come from what thought?

00;24;50;23 – 00;25;00;17
Jeff
Well, that those are the thoughts that you just said. You know this is going to be great. This is this is going to be the kids are going to be excited about it. These are the thoughts that you’re having that’s creating an emotion.

00;25;00;17 – 00;25;04;00
Doreen
Because the circumstances you have to find a new home.

00;25;04;03 – 00;25;04;11
Jeff
Right?

00;25;04;14 – 00;25;27;07
Doreen
The result is you want a nice home and you want the whole process to be pleasant, to be directive, to use your energy without just being forced out, because now they’re coming next week and you’re just finding a home to find a home. You want to take the control here. Yeah. So you can put anything into this model that’s the beauty of this.

00;25;27;07 – 00;25;48;06
Doreen
And when you dive into your new life and you dive into this new year, it’s such an opportunity. But not the only opportunity because you got to revisit this all the time. We like to do it as a couple. We do it, but we like to do it individually every month. What are we doing? What are our goals?

00;25;48;06 – 00;26;14;00
Doreen
What are we? What’s important? What isn’t important? We’re going to be talking soon in another podcast about the art of, the subtle art of not giving an F, it was from an author by the name of Mark Manson. Manson. And we read this book, while we were driving. We’ll listen to it as we were driving, driving to Charleston for a Christmas holiday.

00;26;14;02 – 00;26;37;15
Doreen
And it’s going to be really important. And I think you should listen to that episode that is, I believe, the next one coming up, because it’s going to give you some thoughts further that kind of blend with this episode in that use your time sparingly. So giving a F about what is important in your life versus not because you only have so much energy in a day.

00;26;37;21 – 00;26;38;04
Jeff
True.

00;26;38;04 – 00;26;59;01
Doreen
Right. And so you’ve got to decide what you’re going to care about, right? And we’re going to get more into that. But for now, for today, for learning about your thoughts and how thought work is so important for your future, I think that we’ve given you, hopefully, a good structure on what the model looks like now. You just got to get in there and do it.

00;26;59;04 – 00;27;00;21
Jeff
Yeah, that’s the hard part.

00;27;00;23 – 00;27;09;29
Doreen
That’s the hard part. People, you know, not people. I shouldn’t say people, but we as the humans, which are the people, right?

00;27;10;01 – 00;27;10;14
Jeff
Are people.

00;27;10;14 – 00;27;13;08
Doreen
The humans are people.

00;27;13;10 – 00;27;14;23
Jeff
Except for our dogs. They’re people.

00;27;14;23 – 00;27;33;22
Doreen
We have these two different sides of our thoughts, our brain. And this they’re generally what we call many times over. We have our primitive brain or our toddler like brain or our child like brain. Some people call it a monkey brain. You’ve heard it every you know, a lot of coaches talk about it in different ways. It’s all the same.

00;27;33;22 – 00;27;37;11
Doreen
It’s that nonsensical brain. And then you have your.

00;27;37;11 – 00;27;38;27
Jeff
Prefrontal cortex.

00;27;38;27 – 00;27;42;17
Doreen
Brain, which is your thinking brain, your rational brain, your.

00;27;42;17 – 00;27;43;06
Jeff
Goal sitting.

00;27;43;06 – 00;28;06;18
Doreen
Right. So what’s going to happen is most people that don’t get where they want to go isn’t because they don’t have what it takes. It’s because they they’re they’re primitive brain, they’re toddler brain, they’re monkey brain. They’re just, you know, takes over and says, never. You’re never going to do that.

00;28;06;21 – 00;28;07;28
Jeff
Well yeah. Because the.

00;28;08;00 – 00;28;11;05
Doreen
I’m not finished the, the not the, the primitive.

00;28;11;07 – 00;28;14;08
Jeff
Primitive brain samples of the motor brain. Go ahead.

00;28;14;09 – 00;28;31;20
Doreen
It says, yeah. You’re never going to do that. No. Even if you do do that, you’re never going to be good enough. You know what you think about that tomorrow? You know what? There’s too much to figure out. Like, there. I’m. I’m researching. Can’t figure it out. It’s confusing. It’s confusing.

00;28;31;22 – 00;28;32;17
Jeff
I’m comfortable.

00;28;32;17 – 00;28;53;03
Doreen
I’m comfortable today. Yes, I know what today looks like. That’s scary over there. That’s another one that’s gets there. And there are a lot where this is hard work. This is really hard. It’s not worth it. So it’s like this little, devil on your shoulder and then that’s what takes over. And that’s why a lot of people don’t make their goals.

00;28;53;03 – 00;29;15;28
Doreen
But we have this prefrontal that permits us to say no, even though I failed, even though I realize that life is good, both good and bad, and I can’t control circumstances, right? I can’t control everything. I’m going to keep going. I’m going to keep working towards it. I’m going to use this as a learning opportunity and I’m going to keep motivated.

00;29;16;01 – 00;29;18;15
Jeff
Yes. Right. It’s a little angel.

00;29;18;17 – 00;29;19;04
Doreen
It’s a little.

00;29;19;04 – 00;29;27;11
Jeff
Angel on the other shoulder that’s telling you life is 5050. Go for it anyway. And if you stick to it long enough, you’re going to accomplish anything you want.

00;29;27;11 – 00;29;28;11
Doreen
Absolutely.

00;29;28;12 – 00;29;36;29
Jeff
You know, there’s really not that many no human beings out there that are better than you are that have anything different than you do. So you can create the life that you truly want.

00;29;37;00 – 00;30;00;13
Doreen
Let’s talk about what we do because we we have a few open seats, not many. I think there’s three open seats right now for coaching clients. Right now we’re doing private one on one coaching clients. Jeff, you know, I know you wanted to talk more about that. What? It looks like we have this thrive after divorce program, but it’s not for thriving.

00;30;00;13 – 00;30;24;04
Doreen
It’s not to, how do we say that the program really should be done at any time, even before the divorce is over? Because it’s basically the building blocks that you need. So it’s the Thrive After divorce program, where it’s some videos and worksheets, and then you have one on one coaching or I know that now we’re customizing one on one coaching session.

00;30;24;04 – 00;30;32;08
Doreen
So depending on your needs, what you’re looking for, we can customize a, custom program just for you.

00;30;32;08 – 00;30;43;14
Jeff
Right? Nobody out there is ever the same. No divorce is the same. No attitude is the same. So I think we’re we customize it because that’s the only the right thing to do.

00;30;43;17 – 00;30;44;28
Doreen
Well, in the right.

00;30;45;01 – 00;30;45;27
Jeff
Yeah. Everybody should.

00;30;45;27 – 00;30;46;27
Doreen
Feel that. It’s the right.

00;30;46;27 – 00;30;52;21
Jeff
Thing. Everybody. Well, everybody’s different. It’s the only thing we can do right.

00;30;52;24 – 00;31;17;09
Doreen
And then also the, I wanted to talk about that. A lot of times people come for coaching before they even have started a divorce, because maybe their spouse doesn’t know that they are seriously contemplating divorce. Like maybe they’ve said it, but they are really now sitting there in that space of do I, you know, do I move forward with this divorce or shouldn’t I?

00;31;17;09 – 00;31;27;12
Doreen
And I think that out of all the clients that you coached last year, probably at least half of them, I would say, were in that space of trying to figure it out.

00;31;27;18 – 00;31;27;29
Jeff
Right?

00;31;28;06 – 00;31;47;01
Doreen
Right. We didn’t know that when we started our coaching career together that we really thought we would focus in, because being a family law attorney on people going through divorce and post divorce, right? It was a natural transitional thing. But what we realized is that we had as many people just interested in trying to figure out, do I want to get divorced?

00;31;47;01 – 00;32;06;20
Doreen
So I think the clarity that we can provide you by using the model with you and helping you work through your thoughts in the results and other things that we talk about, such as boundaries and the manual. You can look those all up in our previous podcast. It’s a beautiful thing.

00;32;06;20 – 00;32;26;16
Jeff
Yeah. And I do, I do like when you said, clarity because that’s what a lot of our coaching is, is giving them clarity on their thoughts. Right. You know, because a lot of people think, well, think that they have the thoughts on autopilot and they they don’t have the control over their thoughts.

00;32;26;16 – 00;32;26;29
Doreen
Correct.

00;32;27;00 – 00;32;29;24
Jeff
And it’s completely the opposite they’re looking to do.

00;32;29;25 – 00;32;30;20
Doreen
But it’s for their thoughts.

00;32;30;20 – 00;32;30;24
Jeff
Right.

00;32;30;24 – 00;32;31;25
Doreen
But it’s hard.

00;32;31;25 – 00;32;32;05
Jeff
Work.

00;32;32;06 – 00;32;54;25
Doreen
It’s you know, I’m not going to tell the listeners that we are constantly Jeff and I working on our thought work, because human nature is not to do that. Human nature is to protect and to take the easy way and to avoid pain and suffering. And any goal that you want is going to embrace failure and pain and suffering.

00;32;54;25 – 00;33;01;12
Doreen
That’s just part of it. So it’s natural to not go there. Exactly right.

00;33;01;12 – 00;33;23;10
Jeff
But but all these people that are out there that are there, you know, with self help and motivation and it’s all about thought work, right? I mean, we’re constantly working on our thoughts, download our studying our thoughts. What thoughts are we having that are giving us? Are the results of the day of the week of the month and what what thoughts we really need to have.

00;33;23;15 – 00;33;24;08
Jeff
Yeah, yeah.

00;33;24;08 – 00;33;25;15
Doreen
So all right.

00;33;25;17 – 00;33;26;14
Jeff
All right I think that’s.

00;33;26;14 – 00;33;27;09
Doreen
What they want to reach.

00;33;27;09 – 00;33;37;11
Jeff
You. Well, they can reach either a Jeff at l a d life after divorce. It’s led-coaching.com.

00;33;37;13 – 00;33;37;26
Doreen
Yes.

00;33;37;26 – 00;33;45;03
Jeff
So you know and I’ll be glad to to meet with you and even offer you a free coaching session.

00;33;45;05 – 00;34;11;14
Doreen
Wow. Really? Yeah. Really. I’m just kidding. No, I think it’s a great it’s a discovery call. It’s a great time to see if, what we can really do. You’ll probably work through some circumstance thought, work with them and and check it out. But. And I am also available for private coaching. But my I only do tailored sessions and I only take a very few amount of, clients at any given time.

00;34;11;14 – 00;34;18;19
Doreen
It depends on my work schedule with my cases, because I’m still a big time practicing family lawyer. So they say, yeah.

00;34;18;19 – 00;34;19;05
Jeff
You got time for.

00;34;19;05 – 00;34;32;02
Doreen
Me, I do, I do, I sign up, but having the perspective of family law coupled with my certification as coaching, I think it’s a beautiful thing too, to get the best of both worlds, especially if you’re here in Florida because I am a Florida lawyer.

00;34;32;02 – 00;34;34;08
Jeff
Yeah, well, that’s how it all began.

00;34;34;08 – 00;34;43;22
Doreen
All right, listen, go out there, sit down, think about your goals. What do you want? What do you truly, truly want and why? And let’s make it happen.

00;34;43;22 – 00;34;55;16
Jeff
Go for it. Yes, sir. Have a good day. Bye bye. Bye.

00;34;55;18 – 00;35;18;00
Jeff
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce. But maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at ladd-coaching.com. That’s Ladd as in life after divorce. Dash coaching.com.

00;35;18;03 – 00;35;31;27
Doreen
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.

00;35;31;29 – 00;35;38;08
Doreen
You.