In this episode Jeff and Doreen wishes you the best New Year ever and talk about new starts and the opportunities we have with a brand-new year ahead of us. The reality is, we can choose to have a new start whenever we want, not just at the beginning of the year. We have more control over our lives than we often realize.
Ep. 175 – Embracing the New Year
Transcript
00:00:00:04 – 00:00:25:21
Jeff
Hello everybody out there. And welcome to episode 176. Today we’re going to dive into the subject about learning to let go of things that really don’t matter. So if you’re ready, let’s get started. Hey, Jeff. Hey, Doreen. How are you? I’m great. I’m great looking. Very nice, as always. And you as well. Right over there in your. I don’t know what color that is.
00:00:25:22 – 00:00:56:07
Doreen
It’s kind of purplish. I think it’s very purple. Very purplish. Very well, thank you. Okay. Anyhow, so we just, we had a really nice time in Charleston in December. I know that when this podcast airs, it’s going to be the end of January. But we had a nice trip, and we drove up there and we listened to a book, one of the books we listened to, and it’s Mark Mason’s incredible book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F.
00:00:56:10 – 00:01:25:17
Doreen
Yes, yes. And I’m probably gonna sneeze, so I apologize because I do. I have a little cold thing coming down with something Delta coming on, and it just went away. But anyhow, back to the book. I don’t know. It really was. I love these, you know, self-help books, but I loved the perspective of what he, he came in from, because I think a lot of what he teaches is what we teach, which is how your thoughts create your feelings, actions, results.
00:01:25:22 – 00:01:45:06
Doreen
Right? I mean, that’s really what he’s telling you. It’s it’s taught in so many different ways. And formats, but he’s from what I got from it. And I always think a great book is something I personally for me and get that I live right, that I, that I’m like, oh wow, I didn’t know that know that now.
00:01:45:06 – 00:02:05:04
Jeff
And going to try to live with that. Know that one, that one golden nugget that you get out of a book that it’s it’s a great thing that just sticks with you. And for me, in this book, it was about, that we have limited time to really give an F about all the things we want to give the F’s about.
00:02:05:05 – 00:02:24:02
Doreen
Right. And I think that we use the word f in this context as something that’s in your face. And I think that when he throws it in your face like that, it kind of like can you can resonate it with you a little bit more. In other words, if you’re just talking about a subject, it’ll get into your mind or not.
00:02:24:02 – 00:02:49:09
Jeff
But when somebody is shocked, wow, give a f, you know, and they’re shocking. I think they they tend to listen to it more. Pay attention to it more. I think that’s true. But kind of gets you it gets your attention. Is what you’re saying right? Right. And and so that’s what I for me it was about that about you can’t you don’t have enough time and also about what do you want.
00:02:49:11 – 00:03:11:04
Doreen
And with that being the case, what do you want to spend your time on? What do you you know, why do you want to spend your energy on being upset, for example, and giving a F about that? You have to wait. I don’t know, this just happened to me. I have to wait in a waiting room for basically an hour to see a doctor like this just happened to me crying.
00:03:11:04 – 00:03:34:17
Doreen
Like actually it was 2.5 hours to be honest. But I did leave and then I came back and then, you know, so let’s just say it was an hour. Wait, why would I get upset about that? Like get get such a upset, right? Yeah. And the energy that one spends on something like that is just mind blowing because that’s what I think it for me was teaching me.
00:03:34:20 – 00:03:58:02
Doreen
Right. You know, just really think about what you spend your time on. Right. Well, I think that. What. Well, let’s first talk about what he means. What we’re not giving an F really means because we’re not saying it doesn’t. It means to be careless or not? Not, be indifferent about something. I think it means to be a little bit more intentional on what you do care about, right?
00:03:58:03 – 00:04:32:17
Jeff
To be a little bit more, intentional on what you want to focus your energy on. You mean the title of his book? Yeah, yeah. So to not give a f. Yeah. I think that you’re right. You know, he talks about that. It’s not about not being disrespectful or mean spirited or flip about things. Well, I think in the context of divorce, we talk about, you know, not always trying to win an argument, trying to focus on agonizing over the past or win this, you know, get everything that you want.
0:04:32:19 – 00:05:02:23
Jeff
You know, it’s more focusing on the energy that really matters, right? Well, that’s what it’s about. But I think what we’re trying to hopefully convey is you have to really think about what do you want to give an F about. Right. And we’re talking about in your divorce, for example. Right. Right. I mean, the things, you know, agonizing over the past isn’t going to get you anything into the future.
00:05:03:02 – 00:05:27:02
Doreen
Spending your time being in the woe is me, the victim mentality. I can’t believe this happened. Like all the things, rehashing all that isn’t a good use of your time, right? Well, I think it’s not just what you want to focus on, but it’s what you want to focus on that serves you right. True. And let’s talk about how you get there.
00:05:27:04 – 00:05:59:23
Doreen
What what is it about? You know, what we just said, which is agonizing over the past and being upset about being the victim mentality. What you know, you can have that mentality because you give a f about something else. It’s deeper. And what this book is teaching and what I think we’re trying to teach from it, is that you gotta dig deep to know where you’re going to want to spend your years f song, right?
00:05:59:23 – 00:06:18:19
Doreen
You only have a certain amount of things to give an f about. So, you know, do you want to spend it on agonizing over the past, or do you want to spend it on he’s got a new girlfriend or do you want to spend it on this isn’t fair, or I should get more money when you’re when your lawyer tells, you know, this is it.
00:06:18:21 – 00:06:44:02
Jeff
You know, it’s that’s what I think is the biggest takeaway for our clients. Yeah. Look, I think Marc ties it in with what are your values? You know, what is really, truly tied into your values? What is going to not just serve you in the future because more money could serve you. But I think it’s serving your values of wasted energy and time consumption.
00:06:44:02 – 00:07:07:21
Doreen
Right. Like here’s an example, that we wrote down in preparation here. Instead of giving an F about what your ex family thinks about you, you could focus on what kind of co-parent you want to be to your kids. Instead of worrying about how your social circle might shift, you can invest in the friendships that genuine support and uplift you.
00:07:07:23 – 00:07:31:18
Doreen
See what we’re talking about? So what? Yeah, we came up with a few examples. Okay, I’m sorry that I’m sniffling. Grab, you know, you can grab a piece of paper. Maybe it’s a good idea. Write down some notes for yourselves, and maybe you suggested two columns, right? Two columns. What do you, one on one column.
00:07:31:20 – 00:08:00:05
Jeff
Stuff that I care about too much. Right. And then on the other column, stuff that actually matters. Okay. And then take a few minutes to reflect on it, okay? You know, and it’s, it’s kind of it’s actionable help and it really it once you start focusing on things that matter, you start realizing what are some of the actions that you’re wasting your time on and, and agonizing over that you don’t really have to like waiting in the doctor’s office just like that.
00:08:00:05 – 00:08:21:12
Doreen
Yeah. No, seriously, like the little things that just don’t move your life in a positive direction. I think it would be interesting. Yeah. I haven’t done this exercise. I know that you did it because you came up with it, right? I did a workout for you. You know, it’s really an eye opening experience when you see how much time and energy you waste on the small things.
00:08:21:13 – 00:08:44:16
Jeff
Remember that book? Don’t Sweat the small stuff. It’s very similar to that. Yeah. You know, because I really like that book as well. And it’s it’s very, very similar with how much stuff we sweat. That really doesn’t matter. I know I think that my list depending on if I’ve got my, my coaching mentality on, you know, where your thoughts are really controlling your results.
00:08:44:16 – 00:09:01:02
Doreen
But there are periods, you know, we’re human, where even as a coach, I, I tend to let my you know. Yeah. Now especially during divorce, you know right. Yeah. There’s people going through a divorce. If you’re going through a divorce, really have a little bit more of that. And it’s harder for them because it’s harder for them. I mean, no, that would be a thought.
00:09:01:02 – 00:09:22:17
Doreen
And we wouldn’t want them to create that world for themselves that results. So we don’t want to think that we have to change that thought to something like, it could be maybe more challenging. Yeah. For someone going through a divorce. Or maybe they have to do more thought work to compensate for what they’re going through. Yes, there’s a lot of ways we can change the way we say it, because you know what?
00:09:22:17 – 00:09:52:06
Doreen
We talked about this, in our previous last episode and this one as well, the power, really, of having a more rewarding life. And I’m not going to say, like, I want to premise that by saying that life is 5050, it’s not going to always be rainbows and fairies and all this stuff. Things happen, people die, they get laid off from work, you know, politics, whatever you want.
00:09:52:06 – 00:10:15:12
Doreen
You know, people get divorced. Whatever it is, things happen. You can’t control the world, but you can control your thoughts, that you’re going to create your results. And that’s where all the power comes in. That’s the only control you have is your thoughts. So as you move in to create your new life, your goal setting for the new year, all the things that thought work is key.
00:10:15:14 – 00:10:35:20
Doreen
Now. Can you get lucky and can you prevail without it? Yeah, but you can do it a lot easier because remember, it’s about the journey as well, right? So if you can get the thought work down and if you, you know coaching that’s what we do. We help our clients understand their thoughts to get the results. They want in their life and what we do.
00:10:35:20 – 00:10:52:18
Doreen
So come see us about getting in coaching. New year is a great time to do this right. Set your goals and work with you on two three goals. I only like to do one, maybe two at one at the same time. Maybe because that’s another thing people would want to, you know, have all these things they want to do.
00:10:52:19 – 00:11:16:09
Jeff
No you can’t. You’re not you’re not superhuman. We’re just human. Well, I think what happens is you have maybe 1 or 2 big goals, and then there’s these little goals that are going to add up to the big goal. Absolutely. So know, you know, when you’re talking about life is 5050. I think one thing that is important to say is that it’s all about acceptance.
00:11:16:11 – 00:11:51:19
Jeff
It’s all about the power of accepting that life is 5050. You’re not going to always have, roses and butterflies and everything that, some things that you’re going to go through, you have to accept. Well, right. Well, you have to accept the circumstances. Circumstance. And our model is the fact. Right. So, for example, let’s say you’re in the middle of negotiating a settlement and you want more of whatever it is, but your lawyer is telling you that this is the best you’re going to get.
00:11:51:19 – 00:12:13:02
Doreen
Or let’s not risk it because going to court is expensive. There’s no guarantees. All the things. This is a really good time for you to look at the things that you can control. And the things that you should accept doesn’t mean you like them. But divorce is a lot about accepting things that you would not naturally like, right?
00:12:13:04 – 00:12:29:20
Doreen
It is. There’s a lot of accepting of things you don’t want. You don’t want to have less time with your kids. You don’t want to have to move your house. You don’t want to have to be single again. You don’t want to be struggling with money. All the things there’s a lot of things we have to accept. And you know what?
00:12:29:22 – 00:12:54:04
Doreen
I think that as a general humanity, we do a pretty good job, right? Yeah, absolutely. But there’s also that acceptance of the things you can’t change so that you can just move on with your life. And I struggle so much with clients who just can’t get out of their own way, respectfully. They just cannot accept that this is the best result, let’s say, number finance wise, that they’re going to get.
00:12:54:09 – 00:13:17:05
Jeff
I think it’s important that they know that acceptance isn’t being passive or anything. It’s definitely, once you’ve accepted it and you’ve moved on, it’s actually empowering. But what I want to suggest also because this is about a divorce podcast, is that if you accept what is a matter of law, you are only going to get X dollars dollars.
00:13:17:07 – 00:13:42:21
Doreen
You can only get this much. The house must be sold. Things that are law based factor realities in your case, accepting that doesn’t mean you like it. It’s just what the law mandates, right? The law is there to govern humanity. It is there to govern divorces. What you’re entitled to as a matter of law doesn’t mean it sounds good.
00:13:42:23 – 00:14:00:21
Doreen
It doesn’t mean that, you know, a group of people wouldn’t say, that’s ridiculous. He should be paying you more. We know all that. But this is what the law says. And whatever the law says, as long as you have a competent lawyer, okay, who tells you that? Accept it because you’re just spending a lot of time and money.
00:14:00:23 – 00:14:22:07
Jeff
Well, and that’s what I meant by when you do accept it, it frees up your mind to focus on solutions and and get your mind off of the problem. Yes. Or what they seems to be the problem. So it’s very empowering that, your mind works in that way, that as soon as you accept something now you’re kind of being more focused on.
00:14:22:09 – 00:14:51:00
Doreen
This is my solution to that. Yeah. I think we should do a whole podcast episode on the power of acceptance, I seriously do. Maybe we could do that next time. Let’s do that. Because I just think I know that we wanted to talk about it today as we talked to our listeners and we see them on YouTube about this, and power of acceptance being such an important part of it, of allocating your time and what to give an F about and all that.
00:14:51:02 – 00:15:20:08
Doreen
I think it deserves its own, its own episode. Right. But I also think it’s important that there’s another thing about reflecting, reflecting on the things and that maybe you resisted about your divorce. You know, that that are kind of bring you down. Things like, you know, we had a shared dreams and all the hopes and the dreams and all that reflecting on that is great, but then it’s time to move on.
00:15:20:10 – 00:15:41:02
Jeff
Yeah, maybe ask yourself, what’s the one thing that I can do today to embrace the reality of it? Right, right. And then and then you can, you know, kind of take it take it from there. Yeah. Kind of snowballs into finding more action based items. They’re going to take you to where you want to go. Do you want to talk about boundaries or you want to save that for another episode?
00:15:41:02 – 00:16:04:12
Jeff
Because we were going to touch a little bit on boundaries as well here in my notes. Well, I think that when you guys, I think it was important and not in key, you know, one of the key parts of not giving an F is about setting boundaries, actually. Absolutely. Well, we we’ve talked about boundaries before episode eight and episode nine, 79 is a bit and 1191 19.
00:16:04:12 – 00:16:24:15
Jeff
So we’ve had a lot we do it a lot because boundaries are a foundation of taking care of yourself. Healthy relationships, for sure. Starting with number one, which is you. Yes, yes. You got to take care of yourself. And that is the main benefit of a boundary. Yes. And the key part of not giving an F is setting boundaries.
00:16:24:15 – 00:16:50:09
Doreen
You have to set some boundaries. Yeah. Because if not, you know, people will think that you are there and willing to give an F about whatever it is. And again, it’s not about being indifferent, it’s just about sometimes it’s healthy to just say no because the best person that gets a result of that, even though it might be nice to do something else or give of your time and effort, is you’ve got to take care of yourself.
00:16:50:10 – 00:17:10:06
Doreen
Yeah, and live from a place of truth. Well, most people, I mean, most people with a lot of people want to be everything to everybody. Take, you know, yes to the kids and yes to your friends and yes, I do. And even X to the X, you know, when your boundaries with co-parenting. Oh don’t worry, I’ll take care of them again or, you know, I’ll bring that over to you or it’s just a lot of things.
00:17:10:06 – 00:17:35:01
Jeff
So listen, you can tell I’m very enthused about this subject, but if you’re not quite sure what a boundary is or how to set a boundary, please give us a call. Look us up on our website. I’ll be glad to, you know, spend a good half hour on the phone with you, a great exercise for anybody to take you up on because think of something that you have always wanted not to happen in your life, or that rubs you the wrong way.
00:17:35:03 – 00:17:54:06
Doreen
That’s something you probably need a boundary on, right? Think about that. It just makes you just know, like I’m doing this, but I really don’t want to do this. Yeah, well, for me, it used to be making those homemade snacks for the bake sale. I know, I’m just kidding, but all the moms out there are going, oh, boy.
00:17:54:08 – 00:18:15:06
Doreen
That has gotten worse in the years because now everything has to be. You know, we need very clean, but. And I’m not trying to to say that this isn’t the best thing to do or not. You know, everything has to be very the gradients like organic, this and that and all this stuff. Right, right. Remember, you know, they ask you, hey, could you make some with the kids?
00:18:15:06 – 00:18:32:09
Doreen
Went to a very, very small public school, private school. I’m sorry. I was like, hey, we’re going to have a bake sale because you make something and can I have it by tomorrow? And I’m thinking, I got to work all day and then I’ll get home around seven. I got to feed the kids. I this is. Well, then you need to practice your nose.
00:18:32:09 – 00:18:50:17
Doreen
Yeah, but I did. But I always liked making them, but, But. Yeah, make a list of things that you wish you had said no to and call me up or look me up on the website and I’ll tell you how to set a boundary for those no’s. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. All right. So recapping would be to. Yeah.
00:18:50:17 – 00:19:14:10
Jeff
Recap learning how to focus on what really matters. Right okay. Accepting the things that you can’t change right. And take control of the things that you can do. Yes. And then set boundaries to protect yourself. Absolutely. Absolutely. And that’s it. All right. All right. Well thank you very much. Everybody had to do their less and less two columns.
00:19:14:10 – 00:19:44:14
Doreen
Yes I like that list because I think that a lot of times will be interesting to see how many which list has most of the the items on it. Yes. It’ll be there will probably be things that you, were focusing on in a, in probably a negative way, because if most of our listeners are going through a divorce, thinking about divorce after divorce, you know, different stages of where you’re at and, you know, it’s kind of it’s it’s easy because of our primitive brain to go to the negative.
00:19:44:16 – 00:20:04:09
Jeff
So what were they supposed to list again? You just recap. They’re going to recap that for you. Yeah. Because I think it’s important that that was that was really correct. Okay. I can do that. But I thought, you know, you had two different lists. Okay. Grab a paper and write down in two columns. Right. Okay. Stuff I care about too much.
00:20:04:09 – 00:20:32:10
Jeff
Too much. What does that mean? You just. It means that it probably engulfs too much of your day. Much of your time, too much of your energy, too much of your focus, too much of your emotions, and then stuff that actually matters, stuff that really matters. And you’ll find that on one side, you’ll have a, an item, and you don’t even know if you can put it on the does it matter side?
00:20:32:12 – 00:20:52:16
Doreen
Does it really? Oh, wait, it may not matter. I’m sorry that the dog was crying and I couldn’t hear you. Okay, the second list was what? Stuff that actually matters to you. It really, really matters to you. And keep in mind, again, with your core values, what should it matter to you? Maybe. Maybe you should ask yourself that.
00:20:52:16 – 00:21:12:14
Doreen
Should it matter to you? So the one side of the list is the things you give an F about way too much, way too much that probably are good things. Well, maybe, maybe, maybe you maybe you care way too much about the health of your children, right? Okay. So that, you know, so, you know, some things may be good on that list.
00:21:12:16 – 00:21:30:02
Doreen
Okay. And the other list again, things that actually do matter do matter. Things that you put time into that do matter, that do matter to you, that you give an F about? Yeah, maybe you’ll free up a lot of your time. All right. Perfect. All right. Yes, sir. All right. Well, we look forward to talking to you next week.
00:21:30:02 – 00:21:35:11
Jeff + Doreen
And in the meantime, have an amazing week. Yes. See you then. Bye bye. Hi.
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