Ep. 181 – The Fresh Start Effect

00:00:05:02 – 00:00:26:16
Jeff
Hello, everybody out there. Welcome to life after divorce coaching. I’m Jeff Willifeson, your co-host, and I’m here with my co-host. The runoff for. And today we’re going to be talking about a fresh start effect and how it relates to your divorce. So if you’re ready for episode 181, let’s get started.

00:00:26:18 – 00:00:28:03
Doreen
Hello, Doreen. Hey.

00:00:28:04 – 00:00:31:05
Jeff
How are you? Good. What’s going on?

00:00:31:07 – 00:00:36:11
Doreen
What’s going on? Well, I just got back from visiting Megan.

00:00:36:13 – 00:00:37:10
Jeff
How was that?

00:00:37:12 – 00:00:37:18
Doreen
It was.

00:00:37:18 – 00:00:39:19
Jeff
Great. Auburn. Beautiful. Auburn.

00:00:39:21 – 00:00:55:23
Doreen
Yeah, she’s in her second year of vet school, and we over. I went over to see her and they had, like, a very open house. So I got to see all the, the classrooms and some stuff that was kind of, you know, interesting, you know. Yeah.

00:00:56:00 – 00:00:57:03
Jeff
Like the doctor stuff.

00:00:57:03 – 00:01:04:15
Doreen
Inside of accounts and tests were the intestines. Okay. And a dissected, not dissected, but an open cat.

00:01:04:16 – 00:01:05:06
Jeff
Okay.

00:01:05:11 – 00:01:13:08
Doreen
Yeah, but they told me that. Guess and and, a lot of her classmates. So that was nice. And then we watched the Auburn.

00:01:13:10 – 00:01:13:21
Jeff
Florida.

00:01:14:00 – 00:01:15:07
Doreen
Florida game.

00:01:15:09 – 00:01:16:18
Jeff
Go Gators. I’m sorry.

00:01:16:18 – 00:01:17:23
Doreen
I know, but.

00:01:18:05 – 00:01:19:05
Jeff
I’m saying.

00:01:19:05 – 00:01:22:21
Doreen
Auburn anyhow. Good. You know shout out to them.

00:01:22:23 – 00:01:24:16
Jeff
For making you care for.

00:01:24:20 – 00:01:33:06
Doreen
Final Four basketball and basketball. And of course shout out to Florida for winning last night. That was fun. And then of course, we just got back from Italy.

00:01:33:11 – 00:01:37:03
Jeff
That was an amazing trip. Yeah, I loved Florence.

00:01:37:05 – 00:01:52:18
Doreen
You know, it’s always interesting when at least for me, when you go on vacation, especially when you go out of the country and you explore other cultures, other societies, other ways of doing things, I don’t know, it gives you a new perspective when you come home. What do you think?

00:01:53:00 – 00:02:07:11
Jeff
Well, I think that seeing, not necessarily just the different, different cultures, different electronics, different cars, different way of life, but I think.

00:02:07:11 – 00:02:08:13
Doreen
It’s great cars.

00:02:08:16 – 00:02:13:22
Jeff
Oh, yeah. I had to fit into those. Was that easy?

00:02:13:22 – 00:02:16:01
Doreen
Okay, so.

00:02:16:03 – 00:02:20:01
Jeff
But, you do have a newfound appreciation of how lucky we have it.

00:02:20:04 – 00:02:22:22
Doreen
Oh, my God, I love America. I love the USA.

00:02:22:23 – 00:02:24:21
Jeff
USA, USA, I mean.

00:02:24:21 – 00:02:31:14
Doreen
It’s so nice to go and we had such a great time with our friends over in Italy. But I, I just think we’re so fortunate.

00:02:31:16 – 00:02:34:18
Jeff
And, you know, I love history. You the history of Florence was.

00:02:34:18 – 00:02:49:13
Doreen
Just important is amazing. And so of all the cities that we’ve traveled to in Italy and we’ve been to quite a few, it ranks up there for me is one of the the nicest cities. So clean people are so engaging and of course the food.

00:02:49:16 – 00:02:55:15
Jeff
Yeah, the history, the food. And it was just one of the most spotless cities I’ve ever seen.

00:02:55:15 – 00:02:57:01
Doreen
Yeah. And the shopping was fun.

00:02:57:02 – 00:02:58:09
Jeff
The shopping was fun.

00:02:58:11 – 00:02:59:11
Doreen
So what else.

00:02:59:13 – 00:03:12:15
Jeff
That’s about it? I came back I came back with a, a nasty bout of pneumonia. Yeah, but I’ve gotten over it, and, you know, so if I call it a little bit during the show, I forgive, you know, forgive me. Please.

00:03:12:15 – 00:03:17:16
Doreen
No, we will not forgive you of course, but you do sound a lot better, so.

00:03:17:16 – 00:03:18:06
Jeff
I feel a lot.

00:03:18:08 – 00:03:19:12
Doreen
I’m glad you’re feeling better.

00:03:19:13 – 00:03:22:01
Jeff
My. My nurses here at home is cool, right?

00:03:22:01 – 00:03:24:00
Doreen
Yeah, I know she also charges a lot.

00:03:24:03 – 00:03:25:06
Jeff
Yeah, but she’s worth it.

00:03:25:10 – 00:03:31:04
Doreen
Yeah, I, I think so too. All right, so let’s talk about,

00:03:31:06 – 00:03:32:19
Jeff
The fresh start effect.

00:03:32:19 – 00:04:02:16
Doreen
Yeah. You know, Samantha, actually our youngest, she she kind of turned me on to middle Robbins. I already read some Arabs from Mel Robbins books. The high five. High five. I forgot what it’s called, but anyhow. And I’ve listened to a podcast, but she reminded me how gracious she is. And I think a lot of her thoughts, a lot of the way she coaches in and she was an attorney, are similar to what we do or the way we think about things.

00:04:02:16 – 00:04:32:02
Doreen
I also like her, her presentation, her vibe, and, her first episode talked about the, the first chart effect, which is not hers. You know, she did her own research, and it it basically is. How do we say that that that feeling that you get when, for example, let’s say it’s your birthday. And you got those candles right.

00:04:32:04 – 00:04:50:09
Doreen
It’s like ooh that year’s done. Here’s a new fresh year a new age and a new possibility. And same thing at New Year’s. You know how we do the countdown. And then everybody has their New Year’s resolutions and you be like okay well next year right. You know all these amazing things.

00:04:50:12 – 00:05:05:11
Jeff
You had given an example here that I really liked it. It was like a fresh start to a football season. You know, it was like this year the Dolphins are going to do better. And, you know, it was a fresh start you’re looking for with, even in sports teams.

00:05:05:13 – 00:05:09:14
Doreen
Exactly. Yeah. It’s like a new year, a new season.

00:05:09:14 – 00:05:12:06
Jeff
And the new season is beginning of okay.

00:05:12:08 – 00:05:34:11
Doreen
So let’s talk about like, divorce and, and, you know, provide some insight on that because, we both went through our own divorces. Of course, I’m a divorce attorney, but we went through our own divorces, and I wanted to also, maybe we’ve had some of our personal experiences with this first start up that.

00:05:34:16 – 00:05:37:01
Jeff
With the podcast is all about right and personal.

00:05:37:04 – 00:05:57:02
Doreen
Yeah, but, you know, I don’t even know that. I realized at that time, seems like a million years ago when I was going through my divorce, about this theory of the fresh start effect and how divorce could be seen as as bad as well. Right?

00:05:57:04 – 00:05:57:21
Jeff
Right.

00:05:57:23 – 00:06:11:15
Doreen
Because it really is a fresh start, right? So just like a birthday, a new job, new years, all these things. I think that divorce is a perfect platform for sparking.

00:06:11:20 – 00:06:12:08
Jeff
Yes.

00:06:12:11 – 00:06:13:03
Doreen
What do you think?

00:06:13:06 – 00:06:44:08
Jeff
Well, I think, unfortunately, people don’t see divorce in the same light as a birthday or something. Happy. But when you bring it to people’s attention, as we are doing now at this podcast, I think it’s a great way to look at, look at divorce as a opportunity to have that fresh start and fresh beginning in your life, because now you have the chance to paint and create what you want for your life, right?

00:06:44:10 – 00:06:51:09
Doreen
Well, yeah. And but but there’s also a place for you left.

00:06:51:11 – 00:06:53:17
Jeff
Okay, so was two buttons there.

00:06:53:19 – 00:07:19:08
Doreen
But but but but but there’s also that, you know, there’s a time I think, because it’s not happy. Right. Obviously divorce is not something we go into a marriage saying, oh, I can’t wait till I’m going to be divorced, but I think we have to also realize that if, let’s just say, on average, 50% of all marriages end in divorce, it’s kind of something that the odds are there.

00:07:19:13 – 00:07:34:18
Doreen
I mean, I don’t want to, you know, it’s something people don’t like to talk about, but it’s there. I mean, as possibility. Marriages have a life span. I don’t want to say that they’re failed. We want to look at it as they have a life span. Right. Because there’s a lot of good things that come out of marriage.

00:07:34:18 – 00:07:35:11
Jeff
It’s a purpose.

00:07:35:15 – 00:07:56:18
Doreen
Even if it ends in divorce. But I think there’s a place for mourning it, you know, like the sadness and the loss of the marriage and the divorce. And then it’s like, okay, enough bullshit, enough tomorrow. Got to put on that happy face, get up and get going. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

00:07:56:20 – 00:08:00:14
Jeff
I know, especially coming from this. Yeah. I mean, I know you’re that way.

00:08:00:14 – 00:08:19:09
Doreen
You know, patience for it. My dad is well aware of it. Today I am on a tyrant is said. No, I just yeah. I just think like there’s a place for that. You have to grieve the divorce, right. Because a lot we don’t want people to buffer past their feelings. You want to explain what that means?

00:08:19:09 – 00:08:30:20
Jeff
Well, in other words, you can get into a low and take it out with food. Or you can take it out with alcohol, you know, or not. Well, you’re.

00:08:30:22 – 00:08:32:03
Doreen
Come on, coach.

00:08:32:03 – 00:08:36:14
Jeff
Well, I’m not saying you’re taking it out on, but what you could turn to.

00:08:36:16 – 00:08:37:22
Doreen
Because.

00:08:38:04 – 00:08:41:06
Jeff
It masks your true emotions.

00:08:41:09 – 00:09:03:11
Doreen
Well, right. Because when you’re not feeling good, when you are not in a good space, a lot of times you buffer what we mean by that. And if you look back at our episodes, we’ve discussed it before, is that you use some false pleasure, such as food or alcohol, pornography.

00:09:03:13 – 00:09:07:14
Jeff
And it could be many things shopping.

00:09:07:16 – 00:09:30:02
Doreen
Surfing the net, getting stuck in social media. That’s a way of escaping a negative feeling to to over to basically bypass it with some quick dopamine hit. Right. And so I sugar for example, is so powerful because it is a false dopamine hit. Your body physically reacts with like, oh, I really like this. Let me have another bite of that cookie.

00:09:30:02 – 00:09:32:19
Jeff
Remember that chocolate egg in Florence that was about.

00:09:32:19 – 00:09:53:19
Doreen
Yeah. It’s like anything I ate that would have been like on a sugar high for a month until you crashed. But no, the point being that you want to you want to definitely acknowledge that you’re going through a hard time, right? And be kind to yourself and mourn that like would be. Let your feelings let it. Let us understand your feelings.

00:09:53:21 – 00:10:17:22
Doreen
Let it, let it flow through you, whatever it is. And then get to a point where it’s like, okay, today is my first start effect day, right? Today is the day that I’m going to start to make a change. I’m going to start to get past this. I’m going to start to get over this. Look, I don’t know if anyone and I’ve been doing this divorce stuff for 31 years now, meaning a lawyer.

00:10:17:22 – 00:10:51:21
Doreen
I don’t know anyone that hasn’t. And I’ve been through with clients through some really horrific divorces with a lot of issues, sad issues where they haven’t got past it and moved on with their life. Right. They do. Some do it very consciously, meaning they have a plan, which is what we’re trying to do. We’re trying to help you to get to where from where you are today to where you want to be and past and feeling better sooner than later.

00:10:51:21 – 00:10:58:03
Doreen
That’s that’s what we do in our coaching. Right. So the fresh start effect is about that.

00:10:58:05 – 00:11:22:20
Jeff
Well, in my case, I, I could talk about my divorce for a second. I didn’t have any grieving at all. It was more of an anger effect where I just knew that as soon as I got out of this divorce, my life was going to have that fresh start, and I was so looking forward to that, you know?

00:11:22:22 – 00:11:57:00
Jeff
So I didn’t have a grieving period. But I did know that, once I got past that divorce and everything I had to go through to get divorced, it was going to be an amazing life ahead of me. It’s like that, like Mel Robbins, said in her podcast, that’s why the the rearview mirror is so much smaller than the windshield in a car, because the windshield represents all you can see your future, where the rearview mirror is tiny and represents your past.

00:11:57:02 – 00:11:58:15
Doreen
Right? I mean.

00:11:58:17 – 00:12:04:01
Jeff
What happened?

00:12:04:03 – 00:12:13:05
Jeff
Right, right. Yeah. So looking back now on it, you know, once I got the divorce, that fresh start affair kicked in immediately.

00:12:13:08 – 00:12:29:15
Doreen
Right. Well, and it’s I think it’s you have to look at it also, the fresh start effect is so powerful. You know, researchers, when we were getting ready for this, they they called it temporal landmarks, right?

00:12:29:20 – 00:12:30:13
Jeff
Yes.

00:12:30:15 – 00:12:58:02
Doreen
So a temporal landmark is a day for an experience or a physical thing that marks the passing of time. Right? So like we were talking about birthdays, New Year’s divorce, it’s a physical thing. Meaning it will have a beginning and an end. Right. And then, you know, that’s the physical part of it. You can identify that as a date or dates.

00:12:58:04 – 00:13:01:18
Doreen
But then there’s the psychological effect of it. Right.

00:13:01:20 – 00:13:19:07
Jeff
Well, yeah. I mean, all the landmarks in your life, like having children, Mark new beginnings. It could be the passing of parents. I mean, there’s a lot of, big landmarks in our life that we can use those moments to catalyze in a fresh beginning.

00:13:19:09 – 00:13:43:06
Doreen
Well, yeah, like your life has a couple before, and now your life as a single person. After the divorce, after the break up. Just like a birthday, a new year or a Monday, or even like a Monday. Like starting a fresh, you know, week. And yes, a divorce. It creates that break for you, that passage from one life or one moment into another.

00:13:43:08 – 00:14:00:15
Doreen
So what is nice is that you can recognize this and then you can, you know, it can open up the floodgates of what’s possible for your new life. You know that fresh feeling?

00:14:00:21 – 00:14:01:08
Jeff
Yes.

00:14:01:14 – 00:14:27:01
Doreen
So all the possibilities of that fresh start that are ahead of you. And if something when you can set aside the emotions that are negative about the divorce and you can start focusing gently, gently, gently, some of you just need to take a little more time than others that it might be more ready to move into it. The positive things about it, right?

00:14:27:03 – 00:14:42:21
Doreen
Right. Which is like basically, oh, now I have this fresh slate, this new person that I am as now being a single person, maybe a single parent. Right. And what that’s going to look like.

00:14:42:23 – 00:14:57:03
Jeff
And I know you had some moments where you, you all of a said, wow, I am going to be okay. I am going to make it. I am going to, you know, be I am going to thrive. You know, where those kind of moments that you had.

00:14:57:05 – 00:15:06:11
Doreen
Well, for me, yeah, I remember waking up on a Sunday. I remember specifically that it was a Sunday. Don’t ask me why.

00:15:06:13 – 00:15:08:08
Jeff
Why you woke up. You.

00:15:08:10 – 00:15:37:19
Doreen
No I remember waking up okay. And I know it wasn’t a workday and I remember it was a chill day and I was alone obviously. Well not obviously. But I was alone. And I thought to myself I didn’t think about my ex or the divorce at all yesterday I went through an entire day of not having it, coming to my thoughts.

00:15:37:19 – 00:15:39:17
Jeff
And not even realizing it until then.

00:15:39:20 – 00:15:44:14
Doreen
Until the next morning. And I was like, wow, how proud of my of myself that’s felt.

00:15:44:14 – 00:15:46:15
Jeff
And so how does that make you feel?

00:15:46:17 – 00:15:48:02
Doreen
How did it make me feel?

00:15:48:04 – 00:16:00:08
Jeff
Yes. Horrible. And then? And then there are doubters out there that say, God, am I ever going to get over this? Am I ever going to feel good again? Am I ever going to be myself again?

00:16:00:10 – 00:16:01:02
Doreen
Right.

00:16:01:04 – 00:16:21:00
Jeff
And that would probably be one of my my first feelings, that when I had this one, I didn’t think about my head, my spouse, for the whole day. I think about the divorce and it it’s true. I am going to be okay, right? I am going to be all I believe now, right? And it could be that could be the fresh start of the fresh start.

00:16:21:02 – 00:16:46:08
Doreen
Agree. Oh, that could be that landmark. But I think also don’t wait for that day. Don’t wait for that Sunday morning when you wake up and realize you haven’t thought about the divorce or your ex for a whole day. I think that we all have the power to use this fresh start affect the divorce as the catalyst to push us to just do it right.

00:16:46:08 – 00:17:11:00
Doreen
Just decide that this moment today, as we listen or speak to each other on this podcast, it is the day that you can just accept the divorce. Not that you have to agree with it, but accept that it happened or it’s happening and now just okay, this is the way it is. I’m a I can I’m going to be okay.

00:17:11:02 – 00:17:36:15
Doreen
I’ve got I’ve mourned through, you know, whatever these feelings are and I’m ready to start feeling better. Right. And I can use this divorce as that catalyst to create this. Like this new I see this like a canvas, you know, I see it like, as this canvas that is just blank. You okay? You’re an artist. So just a blank canvas that you now can go ahead and start sketching first.

00:17:36:15 – 00:17:46:23
Doreen
Because jam artists usually sketch out first many times, their design depending on what type of art they do. Yes. Start sketching out what you want your new life to look like.

00:17:47:01 – 00:17:50:19
Jeff
And then go for it. Start painting one brushstroke at a time.

00:17:50:21 – 00:18:07:21
Doreen
That’s the invitation we’re giving you. That’s the invitation that we want to suggest to you. That’s the invitation that we want you to be kind to yourself and give yourself the permission to to discover right.

00:18:07:23 – 00:18:10:19
Jeff
It’s like when you blow out the candles in a birthday cake.

00:18:10:21 – 00:18:16:19
Doreen
It’s like. And then it’s like, you really wish. Yeah, you make that wish. And that’s what it can be.

00:18:16:21 – 00:18:17:23
Jeff
It.

00:18:18:01 – 00:18:22:00
Doreen
Do you remember when you, like, started to feel better?

00:18:22:02 – 00:18:52:07
Jeff
I did I you know, it’s it’s kind of a sad moment for when you, when I play it back for you. But for me, it was probably the most exciting moment was, there was a, an afternoon when, Spencer and I were coming home and my ex was driving away in the U-Haul. And we both looked at each other and said, she’s gone.

00:18:52:09 – 00:19:07:14
Jeff
And that’s when we were we had that moment of yay! But then a moment of uncertainty for him and, and and, future power for me that I knew that was my landmark. That was my landmark.

00:19:07:18 – 00:19:11:20
Doreen
He was so young, though. I mean, how could he have not got.

00:19:11:22 – 00:19:14:12
Jeff
No, I was on the I had this oh, I never thought.

00:19:14:13 – 00:19:16:17
Doreen
Yeah. Because he was only like, what, five.

00:19:16:20 – 00:19:17:22
Jeff
Yeah, he was five.

00:19:18:03 – 00:19:22:03
Doreen
Yeah. So he couldn’t be like yay, mommy’s leaving. Hopefully.

00:19:22:05 – 00:19:23:23
Jeff
No. Not necessarily.

00:19:23:23 – 00:19:27:14
Doreen
That might have been your thought about what he might think.

00:19:27:16 – 00:19:37:14
Jeff
But no, no, I didn’t think that at all. And and we had our moment and we said everything’s going to be okay. And he knew everything was going to be okay.

00:19:37:16 – 00:19:39:18
Doreen
Did you literally, like, see the truck?

00:19:39:18 – 00:19:42:13
Jeff
And yes, we were pulling up as she was pulling out.

00:19:42:17 – 00:19:48:15
Doreen
I know it must have been weird. Maybe awkward even.

00:19:48:17 – 00:19:53:00
Jeff
It was almost like a forced period at the end of a sentence.

00:19:53:00 – 00:19:55:00
Doreen
Yeah, like an exclamation.

00:19:55:00 – 00:20:14:04
Jeff
Point. No more. More like an exclamation point. At the end of a sentence. But it almost forced us to to have that landmark. Yeah. So we looked at each other and we said, this is we didn’t say this directly, but we said it in our eyes that this is our new beginning. This was our landmark of our fresh start.

00:20:14:04 – 00:20:18:21
Jeff
And how we were going to handle it from that point on was up to me and up to him.

00:20:18:23 – 00:20:20:11
Doreen
Did you talk to him about it?

00:20:20:11 – 00:20:21:05
Jeff
I did.

00:20:21:07 – 00:20:36:23
Doreen
What? Yeah, it was good. I was just thinking, I mean, is and part of what we wrote out for today’s episode. But I was just thinking about, you know, it’s not just about when I was thinking about the Sunday morning when I woke up and I was like, oh, I haven’t thought about this for a whole day, right?

00:20:37:04 – 00:20:52:01
Doreen
I was also thinking like, I think life is going to be okay. The kids are going to be okay, right? Right. But maybe it’s something to explore with the kids too, is like this whole concept of the fresh start affect for them. Wow. Yeah, I.

00:20:52:03 – 00:20:54:06
Jeff
I think it’s a whole nother, podcast.

00:20:54:11 – 00:21:07:06
Doreen
It could be like, really just talking, you know, and depending on the age of the child, maybe they can relate it to your birthday. You’re blowing out the candles on New Year’s or finishing high school.

00:21:07:09 – 00:21:08:23
Jeff
Yeah, new new school year and.

00:21:08:23 – 00:21:09:19
Doreen
School year.

00:21:09:19 – 00:21:10:22
Jeff
Grades this year.

00:21:10:22 – 00:21:24:09
Doreen
And, you know, it doesn’t mean that you like, don’t respect the previous year or the previous semester or whatever it is, but that you just are moving into that. Oh, okay. Well, now I have a new thing, a new start.

00:21:24:11 – 00:21:25:05
Jeff
Right.

00:21:25:07 – 00:22:00:20
Doreen
So and that’s really good. So let’s talk about a few things. So the first thing is we want to talk about which we already did about giving up the stuff that’s weighing you down right. A few things you can do all rooted in research to start to move towards, you know, getting past a divorce like a thousand. I’ve seen a thousand people throughout my career pick themselves out, up and create a life that they’re through with, that they’re proud of, not 100%, because life is a balance of.

00:22:00:22 – 00:22:01:15
Jeff
Good and bad.

00:22:01:15 – 00:22:24:10
Doreen
Right? So we’re going to trade the divorce, which was a bad circumstance. We’re going to pick ourselves up. We’re in dust ourselves off. We’re going to say, no more of this shit, and we’re going to we’re going to move forward to a better life and create this life. But we also are doing that, acknowledging that life is still going to be a balance of good and bad, right?

00:22:24:12 – 00:22:32:00
Doreen
So I to be perfect. And I think that that’s that’s another episode, of course, that we’ve done throughout. I think we’re on like 100. What did you say.

00:22:32:00 – 00:22:35:10
Jeff
What did you want? 181 I was 181.

00:22:35:12 – 00:22:36:19
Doreen
But okay.

00:22:36:22 – 00:22:38:07
Jeff
Thanks to our listeners out there.

00:22:38:11 – 00:23:03:16
Doreen
Yes, exactly. And so the first thing is that. Right. And then also to be proud of yourself, you know, somebody reminded me in my office today to celebrate the wins, right? We want to always celebrate the wins. So just waking up and feeling better, learning to move past this, appreciating that you went through the negative feelings. Appreciating that you know you’re okay right now, right?

00:23:03:16 – 00:23:17:20
Doreen
When you really think about it. Like most of you, hopefully that are listening. You’re okay. Like you’re listening to this podcast. You’ve got a roof over your head. Hopefully you have food today. If you’re feeling good, just like physically, you’re okay.

00:23:17:21 – 00:23:18:11
Jeff
Health.

00:23:18:13 – 00:23:37:02
Doreen
Your health is where your kids are. Okay. So you know now now we got to say, what can we do to help you to move forward. So let’s move into some thoughts or some simple ways, things that can help you to start to use this fresh start effect.

00:23:37:04 – 00:23:38:00
Jeff
Okay.

00:23:38:02 – 00:24:00:20
Doreen
So the first thing is self-awareness, right? Just recognizing that you are where you are and how you feel, even if you feel like crap. Right? Right. We talked about that. So just letting and giving yourself the permission to feel it. And then you might even want to name it. This is how I feel today about the divorce. Not so good.

00:24:00:22 – 00:24:02:23
Doreen
Okay. Or maybe I’m starting to feel okay.

00:24:03:03 – 00:24:28:20
Jeff
Then when you were talking earlier about the 5050, life is always going to be 5050, good and bad, right? Your when you have your new fresh start effect, you’re going to have new fresh negatives. New fresh, bad things happen to you that don’t really relate to the divorce. So you want to kind of yeah, you can always be excited about your new bad things.

00:24:28:22 – 00:24:46:10
Doreen
Yeah. And and be aware that don’t know it’s some when these things happen I think a lot of time when bad things happen after divorce, a lot of times people might get stuck in that, well, that’s because of the divorce. But is it really or is it just really life?

00:24:46:14 – 00:24:48:06
Jeff
Yeah, that’s what I meant by new bad.

00:24:48:06 – 00:24:49:02
Doreen
Yeah. New.

00:24:49:02 – 00:24:51:09
Jeff
That really did nothing to do with what.

00:24:51:11 – 00:24:51:20
Doreen
What’s the.

00:24:51:20 – 00:24:53:15
Jeff
Second number two is move your body.

00:24:53:20 – 00:25:03:08
Doreen
Move your body. We’re going to do that next episode which which is about using a divorce to motivate yourself physically. So it’s going to be health related, exercise related.

00:25:03:10 – 00:25:15:01
Jeff
But even as far as getting up and just taking a shower, you know, you know, moving just moving around a little bit about the house, you know, try to get into a healthier place and a healthier mindset.

00:25:15:04 – 00:25:38:10
Doreen
Well, action creates movement and movement creates, you know, a step towards a better tomorrow. Have you ever we were talking about this earlier. Had you ever gone and worked out even when you didn’t want to, and your worst days and even when you just did a little bit of a workout, maybe you were kind of critical about it, you know, to yourself.

00:25:38:10 – 00:25:43:02
Doreen
Yeah. Did you ever feel bad? Come back? And yeah, I might have felt a little.

00:25:43:03 – 00:25:48:17
Jeff
Ugly, a little bit of guilty, but never felt better. Never, never, never felt worse.

00:25:48:17 – 00:25:51:02
Doreen
Right. So like, get up and move.

00:25:51:08 – 00:26:04:19
Jeff
Right. You know? But look at the word motivation. It’s the motive to take action. That’s where the word motivation comes from. So if you take action sometimes first the motive will follow me.

00:26:04:19 – 00:26:05:17
Doreen
True that.

00:26:05:19 – 00:26:12:22
Jeff
Yeah. True that you do it also they say is the heaviest. We say who is the what is the heaviest weight in the gym?

00:26:13:00 – 00:26:14:06
Doreen
You always tell me this.

00:26:14:11 – 00:26:15:06
Jeff
You remember.

00:26:15:07 – 00:26:15:17
Doreen
Now.

00:26:15:19 – 00:26:20:10
Jeff
The front door. Sometimes just getting in is the hardest part.

00:26:20:11 – 00:26:42:16
Doreen
Absolutely. Well, what about that next? And next up, the third thing I want, and this again, is not mine, but it came from metal. Yeah. Bronze is do one but but is also research is do one thing today to make yourself happy. She talks in her episode about buying or sell flowers. Go buy yourself some freaking flowers.

00:26:42:18 – 00:27:02:02
Doreen
Put them up around your house in different areas and you know you can’t help but look at a pretty arrangement of flowers or even just one single flower and just smile or feel happy, right? Do something that makes you feel happy. You deserve it. Like give your self permission to do that. Doesn’t always have to be buying something.

00:27:02:03 – 00:27:08:10
Jeff
It could be something small like putting is putting a great comic on on Netflix or start reading a good book.

00:27:08:12 – 00:27:12:19
Doreen
Starting a new book, or maybe making yourself a nice dinner.

00:27:12:22 – 00:27:13:20
Jeff
A nature walk.

00:27:14:00 – 00:27:15:04
Doreen
And you all get up in the.

00:27:15:04 – 00:27:19:00
Jeff
Morning and take a nice walk on the beach. If you live in sunny lower like we do.

00:27:19:04 – 00:27:20:02
Doreen
Yeah, well.

00:27:20:06 – 00:27:22:07
Jeff
Not so sunny today.

00:27:22:09 – 00:27:24:15
Doreen
But you know, let’s recap.

00:27:24:17 – 00:27:27:02
Jeff
Re re recap isn’t that horrible?

00:27:27:02 – 00:27:48:18
Doreen
I don’t know that recap. Let’s recap, let’s recap. So the recap is each morning just wake up and take one action one step. Do something that is what you want to be, meaning where you want to go, right? So you have to know where you’re going in order to get there.

00:27:49:00 – 00:27:50:06
Jeff
And just like a map.

00:27:50:08 – 00:28:11:10
Doreen
Right? If you if you just put your directives on in your car, but you don’t put the destination in, you’re probably not going to get much response from from technology. It’s just going to tell you, hey, put in the location you want to go to. So take a little step, you know, take the little step to say, oh, I want to.

00:28:11:10 – 00:28:36:01
Doreen
And then clarify what that looks like. I love journaling, so write it down. I would really recommend that and just take one little step towards that. We’re going to talk about that in the next episode. So let’s say it is that you want to lose 10 pounds. Right. So one step that you might think about is oh, I want to start an exercise plan.

00:28:36:03 – 00:28:54:19
Doreen
Okay. So the step today could be as simple as hey, I’m going to check out three different gyms or three different programs right. Just that one step towards what you want. Just keep that step going and just one step at a time. You’ll start to get there.

00:28:54:21 – 00:29:20:23
Jeff
And maybe look for a fresh start effect buddy. So that, you know, share your, your goals, your dreams, share your desires and how you’re feeling with a great friend or, or relative so that they can maybe hold you a little bit accountable. You know, let’s say you’re going to take a walk together or read a, you know, share with the book with that, what you’re a book club or something like that.

00:29:20:23 – 00:29:25:03
Jeff
And it kind of when you get involved with other people, it kind of

00:29:25:05 – 00:29:25:18
Doreen
Oh, I think I.

00:29:26:00 – 00:29:27:13
Jeff
Hold you accountable.

00:29:27:15 – 00:29:46:06
Doreen
The support group, I think I’ll say, and with this fresh start of that, it would be cool to have like a maybe, maybe there’s groups of, you know, people going through divorce like you. Maybe we should start around where, you know, it’s all about helping each other to move on. I think that’s a great idea as well.

00:29:46:08 – 00:29:48:06
Jeff
It is so great idea.

00:29:48:08 – 00:29:53:12
Doreen
Okay. What else, my dear? My love of my life.

00:29:53:14 – 00:29:58:00
Jeff
But, great recap.

00:29:58:02 – 00:29:59:05
Doreen
Great recap.

00:29:59:05 – 00:29:59:19
Jeff
Recap.

00:29:59:20 – 00:30:04:16
Doreen
Yes. Okay. I don’t know where that came from. It just kind of spilled out.

00:30:04:18 – 00:30:18:04
Jeff
You know? Anyway, it was a great episode. I really like the Fresh Start effect, and I really like and think about it too. You said that it could be every Monday morning, every Monday morning, every time you wake up, it could be a fresh start.

00:30:18:05 – 00:30:20:14
Doreen
Absolutely. All right, all right.

00:30:20:14 – 00:30:22:20
Jeff
So then have a good one, everybody.

00:30:22:20 – 00:30:34:02
Doreen
All right. Have an amazing rest of the week. And thank you for joining us here at Life After Divorce Coaching listening. If you have any comments or you want to speak to us, just give us a shout out. Where should they reach us?

00:30:34:06 – 00:30:37:13
Jeff
Reach us at ladd-coaching.com.

00:30:37:15 – 00:30:42:14
Doreen
Is that it still? Yes. Okay. Perfect. And what happens when they get there?

00:30:42:16 – 00:30:45:08
Jeff
They can go to info and.

00:30:45:11 – 00:30:47:10
Doreen
Type in, email us and give.

00:30:47:11 – 00:30:47:23
Jeff
Us.

00:30:48:01 – 00:30:50:13
Doreen
And are you still doing complimentary coaching?

00:30:50:19 – 00:30:54:01
Jeff
I am, you are. I am.

00:30:54:03 – 00:30:58:18
Doreen
Well, come take us up on a complimentary session, see how we might help you.

00:30:58:19 – 00:31:01:08
Jeff
You love your comments and feedback about the podcast.

00:31:01:08 – 00:31:05:20
Doreen
Absolutely. Give us a shout out. It would really be appreciated. Thanks, everybody.

00:31:05:21 – 00:31:08:05
Jeff
Thank you. Bye bye bye.

00:31:08:05 – 00:31:29:21
Jeff
Don’t forget to follow us on social media for more empowering content, tips and inspiration to help you thrive after your divorce. And if you’re ready to take the next step in your journey, don’t miss out on our free 30 minute coaching session. It’s a great opportunity to get personalized guidance and support for wherever you are in your divorce journey.

00:31:29:22 – 00:31:33:22
Jeff
Just visit the link in our description to book your appointment.