Ep. 186 – Be Your Future Self Today

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;28;25

Jeff

Hi everyone. Today we’re going to talk about becoming your future self after divorce. Stay tuned for episode 186 to learn more about what I am talking about. Hey, Jeff. Hey. How are you? I’m good. Let’s talk about summer. Cool. Yes, I know it’s hot, but it’s hot every summer. It’s hot every summer. And then every summer. We complain about how hot it is.

00;00;28;26 – 00;00;45;29

Doreen

We live in South Florida, by the way. Is it complaining or is it making the other person aware? I don’t know, but it’s so hot. You are. Doesn’t it seem hotter than usual? Like than last year? Not at all. No. It seems the same thing every year, but not every year when we were a kid growing up here.

00;00;46;01 – 00;01;07;26

Doreen

We’re even back when we were, you know, 20s, 30s, 40s. It wasn’t this hot. Well, we both grew up in South Florida, so I don’t think. I don’t think so. But anyhow, they say, you know the worth it. The world is heating up. The world is heating up. It is heating up. So let’s talk about episode 186, which is becoming your future self after divorce.

00;01;07;26 – 00;01;28;23

Doreen

And before we get started, I looked back at some of the other episodes that I think kind of pair well with this. So the first thing was episode 106, which is Smart goals, S.m.a.r.t. Goals. And you were very involved in that episode because that’s something, Jeff, that you used to really teach when you had your martial arts schools, right?

00;01;28;24 – 00;01;50;25

Jeff

Yeah. And then the other episode that I found was episode 137, which is similar to what we’re going to talk about today, but not quite, but I think I would definitely listen to both of those before this one. Or you could do it after. It’s fine. Episode 137 is be your future. Be feature minded in the present.

00;01;50;27 – 00;02;15;06

Doreen

Yeah, in the present. So this one is becoming your future self after divorce and what that looks like. And so this presentation or this episode is a little more scholarly in thought process, meaning that we’re going to ask you to probably get a piece of paper and a pen, or you get your computer out of it or your phone, how are you?

00;02;15;06 – 00;02;56;28

Doreen

Take your memos, your notes, because, we’re going to give you some, some principles. We have several to go through. And then we’re going to give you some examples, but we’re also going to talk about, practical tips to get through, you know, to your future self. So the first thing I want to tell you is I was inspired in, in this episode because back when I did the first episode, which was one £0.37 future of mine in the present, I had read the book by Benjamin, Doctor Benjamin Hardy, be Your Future Self Now, and I just got back from a yoga meditation retreat and I took the book with me.

00;02;56;28 – 00;03;20;26

Jeff

It called out to me. It was saying, take me, take me with you when I looked for a book to take up into the the Blue Ridge Mountains, which is where Art of living is that I went to. They have many throughout various countries, but I went there to get away, kind of figure out who my future self is going to be, what’s going to really resonate with me, and why?

00;03;20;26 – 00;03;27;14

Jeff

Because I am blank, years old.

00;03;27;16 – 00;03;52;20

Doreen

And if you ask me, I’ll tell you. But anyhow, I let’s just say I had a very significant birthday and it wasn’t 50, but it was after 50. And so, if you want, I’m going backwards. As my mother used to say, my mom started going backwards. So she’s like, you know, ten years younger than me. But anyhow, so I needed to get away because I’m really trying to figure out I’ve done many things in my life.

00;03;52;23 – 00;04;26;08

Doreen

I came from nothing. I got myself educated, I got focused and became my future self as a lawyer. I became my future self that I wanted as a mom, as a marriage. I married the love of my life, Jeff. That was my future self dream as well. And I now have a beautiful, amazing team of lawyers and other professionals that I have mentored throughout my 31 years of practicing law, and I will eventually into the future probably, you know, retire at some point from practicing law.

00;04;26;08 – 00;04;49;13

Doreen

But I’m talking many, many, many, many, many years from now. But, you know, looking at succession plans and things like this. But then I thought, there’s got to be more. There’s got to be more to life. Right? Like I said, this is all been wonderful and great. But as you have people around you like our parents, your parents, Jeff’s parents, I call them our parents died last year.

00;04;49;16 – 00;05;09;29

Doreen

It just kind of it’s like, what is going on? Like, why is time going so fast? It is because you’re 20 and you’re 30 and you’re thinking like, I have all the time in the world. You don’t, because it really creeps up on you. So divorce is a perfect platform for becoming your future self. And what you want that to look like.

00;05;09;29 – 00;05;30;06

Doreen

I got away and went to a retreat to really do a deep dive on it, and I came up with a lot of things that I want for my future self. So inspired again to write Doctor Benjamin Hardy’s book, Be Your Future Self. Now. So a lot of the teachings in here come from that, and I want to give him a big shout out and thank him very much for his book.

00;05;30;06 – 00;05;58;09

Doreen

It has been inspirational to me and many others. Yeah. Well, let’s first talk about how these principles, relate to divorce, right? Because in the context of post divorce transformation, focusing on clarity, purpose for action, and small daily habits combined with deep empathy for the major changes that divorce brings, is what this is really how the book is relating to this subject.

00;05;58;09 – 00;06;39;05

Doreen

Yeah, well also divorce, you know, divorce isn’t just an ending. It’s a launch pad. Like I said, what if starting today, you could use these moments of change to be again? To begin consciously creating the version of yourself you’ve always wanted to be? What is really you could think of that, that that’s true. That could happen right now for you as you listen to this and we’ll show you how to shift from feeling defined by the past to actively designing your future self, using practical tools grounded in psychology and empathy.

00;06;39;06 – 00;07;07;15

Jeff

Absolutely. So hold on tight. This episode might be a little longer, so snuggle. Snuggle on in there. Get yourself comfy. All right. Principle one the power of the future self right. Vision for vision. You know research. Research shows that we’re not pushed by our past but pulled forward by who we imagine we can become. Okay, we have to stop there.

00;07;07;17 – 00;07;32;03

Doreen

Okay. That is such a powerful statement. I’m sorry, but that is what I think goes wrong. Let’s just say it again. Now say it again. I mean again. Readers who say, have found that we’re not pushed by our past. A lot of people live in the past, and they and they define their themselves by the past. But we are pulled forward by who we can imagine.

00;07;32;03 – 00;08;01;06

Doreen

We can become. Absolutely. And that’s what I think is the beauty of being human. Like knowing that you can absolutely 100% do anything you want. Now, here’s an exercise for you. What I want you to do is lay back, close your eyes and imagine yourself five years from now, where are you living? What does your work or parenting look like?

00;08;01;08 – 00;08;27;21

Doreen

How do you feel about your finances, your family, and most importantly, yourself? Right? You know, it’s interesting because that’s what we want you to do. I also, I didn’t put it in our little outline here today, but write your future self a letter. Yeah, right. Right. Your future self a letter five years from now. Because imagine where you’re going to be then.

00;08;27;21 – 00;08;53;20

Doreen

What does that look like? Where are you living? What are the colors? What are the smells? What are your kids look like? Who are you dating? All the things like it’s going to be so much different than it is right now. So I’m going to tell you about I’m going to use. Her name is Anna. She fell after her divorce that her identity revolved around previously being a wife and raising children and being like a married couple.

00;08;53;22 – 00;09;19;05

Doreen

And so a lot of I think women or men can identify on this level. Right. And the future she had pictured, she had pictured shared family trips and growing old together. She had van, you know, she had this at all vanished overnight and for weeks Anna felt just lost and uncertain. Not sure who she would become without her marriage.

00;09;19;08 – 00;09;53;08

Doreen

And one evening, encouraged by a friend, Anna decided to close her eyes and to imagine herself like Jeff just said. Years down the road, she pictured a version of herself who was confident, who had rebuilt her social life, managed her money well, and co-parents her children with kindness and appreciation. That single act, seeing her future self in vivid detail, suddenly gave Anna hope and direction.

00;09;53;11 – 00;10;18;01

Doreen

It didn’t erase her pain, it didn’t take away all the sadness and the hurt, but it helped her start that first step in making a small choice, which she took every single day. She kept imagining it every single day, each day to become that person signing up for, you know, activities at the community center. She started to get into shape.

00;10;18;03 – 00;10;49;26

Doreen

She started to understand her finances. She reconnected with friends. It was a process, but that was the moment when she did the visual work, right? Right. Envision your future self as distinct from who you are now, the person who has moved through the pain and rebuilt an empowered, inspiring life. So you want to envision yourself what you want to be, not necessarily who you are right now, right?

00;10;49;26 – 00;11;26;29

Doreen

So that’s the first principle. That’s number one. We hope you wrote that down. The power of the future self vision. Visualize yourself and really try to be as specific as you can. So number two, the principle that we’re going to try to convey is clarity and being specific. Define what you want. Define it. So the key point here is after you do the first exercise, the clearer and more specific you are about what your future self looks like, the faster and more effective you can be at making progress.

00;11;26;29 – 00;11;45;12

Jeff

General ideas like for example, I always use. I always use weight and health because it’s easy for so, so many of us to relate to, right? But I want to be healthier or I want a job or a better job are not enough to create a compelling vision or action plan. So we’re going to circle back on that.

00;11;45;12 – 00;12;16;03

Doreen

But first I wanted Jeff to talk about the why. Because the why as to what you envision your future self to be is very, very important. So you really need to dig deeper and not just I want this new career, right? Or I want to lose 10 pounds. You have to know why. Why are you doing it? For example, if you were losing 10 pounds because people bother you about your weight, I can promise you that.

00;12;16;03 – 00;12;49;18

Doreen

Why? When it gets challenging and it will will not carry you through. If you’re why to lose 10 pounds? Because you want it. Because you feel that it will be a healthier version of yourself. That will be an important why. So go ahead. Exactly. Having a clear why or your your deep personal reason for pursuing change is essential for resilience and sustained focus on your journey to your future self.

00;12;49;21 – 00;13;36;23

Doreen

Psychologists agree that having purpose operates as a powerful internal compass, not only giving you direction or meaning to your goals, but it also arms you with the motivation to keep moving even when the setbacks and failures will arise. And believe me, they will way up. You know, if your goals are difficult, you’re going to have obstacles. Absolutely. Research shows that when you define your why and connect your goals to something personally meaningful, you harness intrinsic motivation which is more sustainable, more effective than depending on unjust external rewards or pressure from somebody.

00;13;36;25 – 00;14;21;03

Doreen

This intrinsic motivation is what helps you not just to start strong, but persevere and stay excited in the face of adversity. It means what it what it means is to keep going on. Hard days remind you of your progress, and it pulls you forward during moments of doubt. Without that, why the inevitable bumps on your journey? Job setbacks, co-parenting, conflicts, loneliness, whatever they might be, they kind of become roadblocks, however, with a strong why those bumps become springboards for learning and renewal.

00;14;21;05 – 00;14;55;11

Jeff

That’s true. So here’s an exercise, right? Ask yourself what is one specific measurable goal in each important area of my life right. What would. So I like to use three. And you know what they say that really focusing on one at this stage is best. Don’t even focus on three. That’s what some of the coaching experts in my field tell me, including our coach, work on one of these future goals.

00;14;55;14 – 00;15;15;18

Doreen

I work on three, but I’m a crazy person. So are anyhow. But and then the next thing is, what would an ideal day look like for my future self? Really write it down. I would wake up, I would put on these kind of clothes, I would get into this kind of vehicle. I would take my kids here, I would go to this restaurant.

00;15;15;18 – 00;15;37;18

Doreen

I’d be meeting these types of clients, even think about what they look like. I’d be going to the gym. I be standing on the scale and seeing a number, on and on and on and there’s a lot more than three. It’s fun. I know it’s fun, I know what. And then next, what relationships, routines and feelings are present right?

00;15;37;21 – 00;15;59;02

Doreen

Yeah. What does my health look like? For an example, instead of simply wanting to be healthier like you discussed earlier, set a clear and specific goal. Like I want to lose 10 pounds by next summer and feel comfortable running a maybe A5K or right, like set those goals. I want to lose 10 pounds by this by next summer.

00;15;59;07 – 00;16;22;20

Doreen

I want to feel comfortable running A5K right? It’s then tastic walking time dated, right? You go back to smart, right? But I don’t want to get into that whole thing. Go down the weeds there. But it’s time dated. It’s not new measure by the 10 pounds. And you have another goal which is A5K, which is super cool. So how fulfilled do I feel in my career?

00;16;22;20 – 00;16;41;18

Doreen

As another example, like you could say, oh, how fulfilled do I feel in my career? You should answer that. But for your career, decide on a bold, definite objective. For example, I want to transform from working for someone else to running my own business doing graphic design. Let’s just say a dream that you’ve that let’s say you’ve always had.

00;16;41;20 – 00;17;03;06

Jeff

And I want to land my first three clients within six months. So the difference is it’s very specific as to as to what you want to do. Graphic design I want to run my own business. I want to do it. You know, I’ve had this dream for years. Really? That’s not part of the future plan. But it’s nice to know it’s your why.

00;17;03;08 – 00;17;31;01

Jeff

And I want to learn or land three new clients within six months. When you when your vision for your future self includes these types of details and you know what your eyes are, you give your mind a clear target on what to focus on. Here’s a trick you can try. Think about your top priorities. You know if it’s losing weight, maybe it’s exercise.

00;17;31;03 – 00;17;54;04

Doreen

If you want to start that business, maybe it’s coming up with an action plan on how to design a website. Always anchoring those goals with your why, right? And for many of you, let me just say a new sense of self could be the exact goal you need. These don’t have to be goals that make sense to the world.

00;17;54;07 – 00;18;25;02

Doreen

You know, the important thing is you. And so your goal could be learning who you are. And I’ll tell you a secret. That’s part of my goals because I have been so involved in everything that I do. One of my future goals is to really get in touch with myself, and I’ve taken up meditation and yoga and other classes that I’m pursuing and in, in, in pursuit of that, my that’s my future goal.

00;18;25;08 – 00;18;53;19

Doreen

And my action plan is to learn more about these types of things to help me get better. So just again, I can’t I can’t, tell you how important it is to make sure these goals are specific, right? Instead of drawing a vague map, create a precise turn by turn directional map listing the destinations, the stops, the timelines so you exactly know where you intend to go and how you’re going to get there.

00;18;53;21 – 00;19;15;08

Jeff

This helps the motivation avoid confusion, and sharpens the daily decision making. Now let’s talk about principle number three, which is reverse engineering your future selves. So I just talked about that. So I’m going to like get off script here. But I’m just I just talked about my one of my future goals is to find myself and learn more about me.

00;19;15;08 – 00;19;43;20

Doreen

And so I’ve reverse engineer that by doing yoga, by doing breathwork, by doing, meditation so that I can be in the mental state of not thinking so much, running my businesses, dealing with client, issues on a continuous basis, all the things that I do. And so it gives me space to grow into that. Right. Well, let’s take two seconds and explain what the key point is, what you mean by reverse engineering.

00;19;43;20 – 00;20;07;24

Doreen

Because I know you’re very, very big on setting your goals and working backwards, so to speak. So let’s kind of clarify for them what you mean by that. Okay. Well yeah. Because I use that statement just like it’s a given. But I guess it isn’t. What I mean is that any goal that you have, right. Let’s say it’s the goal to lose the 10 pounds, right, right.

00;20;07;26 – 00;20;34;08

Doreen

Or and to run the five K, for example, if you want to transition that into reverse engineer, it’s like, what do you have to do to lose 5 pounds. Right. Well, or 10 pounds you’re going to eat less exercise is more calories in, calories out. So how do I do that? I might monitor it with, you know, I have like an Apple Watch and I keep track of my calories to something I do when I’m trying to lose weight.

00;20;34;11 – 00;20;58;09

Doreen

Five k running, you might say, well, what do I do? Well, I don’t know anything about running. This is new to me, so maybe I want to pick up some books that’s in reverse engineer, or go on a podcast, or go to a local runner’s group. Those are reverse engineering. Taking your goal, breaking down what it takes to get there, and then figuring out what those action items are, I think.

00;20;58;09 – 00;21;13;08

Jeff

I think reverse engineering works so well because a lot of people try to go from nothing to the five K. Yeah, but they don’t want to do the time and then the work to get there. Well, that’s where they have to organize and plan out by this date. I have to be able to do one k by this day.

00;21;13;08 – 00;21;35;13

Doreen

I have to do two k right. And they build up to it. So they reverse engineering it, knowing that by this date, this is the work that I have to do to get there. I we all know that serious runners do that, right. They have a schedule where they reverse engineer to the date of the marathon. And I’m talking about, you know, serious runners.

00;21;35;15 – 00;21;54;10

Doreen

Same with bodybuilders. We’ve known a lot of bodybuilders, you and I just living here and various friends. We go to the gym often. So you know how they reverse to a show. You know, when they bulk up and they have to eat x amount of calories? Same thing. So you just got to reverse it, figure out what it is you have to do to get there.

00;21;54;13 – 00;22;15;29

Doreen

And be patient with yourself on this. I think that’s where we run into a lot of problems. People don’t want to take the time to sit down and figure it out. Then they don’t want to take the time to do whatever they did figure out that they have to do. Then when they finally get what they had to get to learn more to go for it, then you got to actually do it.

00;22;16;02 – 00;22;33;04

Doreen

So there’s all these obstacles where that primitive brain will come in and tell you all the reasons why you don’t have to worry about starting that diet until next week. And they also maybe don’t understand that it’s the baby steps that get you to the giant leap. You know, it takes the small goals in becoming the big goal to get there.

00;22;33;04 – 00;22;59;01

Doreen

Well, I know we quoted, who was it from? Atomic Habits about the it’s a small little details on and on daily that build to the big successes. Exactly. You know, that’s it. But you you have to recognize also that when you do that and now it’s time to get up and take that run to get for the five K, you’re going to not want to get out of bed.

00;22;59;01 – 00;23;21;03

Doreen

I promise you. And it’s raining outside and you know it. You didn’t have a good night’s sleep and you had a little bit of a headache. I mean, all the reasons come up and good ones, you know, not to get up and go into the rain and just run. You got to have the discipline. You got to use that prefrontal cortex and say, no, I can get wet.

00;23;21;06 – 00;23;38;01

Doreen

I had enough sleep. I made a commitment, I’m going to run this five K, I’m getting up and I’m going, well, well, let’s step backwards a little bit because my daily step for them might be just getting up and walking 20 minutes. I didn’t say that you had to run fast. Well, I’m just saying I’m just saying this.

00;23;38;06 – 00;24;05;14

Jeff

These are some action steps that to help start these goals, you might just want to walk for 20 minutes, maybe plan one healthy recipe. Right? Right. No. And I know I, I agree, I’m getting all hyped up because I love this stuff. Yeah I do, you know me, I’m an all in girl, so I have a personality type or a Kobe that when I make a commitment to something, I’m all in.

00;24;05;20 – 00;24;27;16

Doreen

Okay, now remember, nobody knows what a Kobe is. Well, it’s basically the way you operate. It’s a way of testing how you generally would approach a project, a situation or a problem. So when, when I, when I look at something, I tend to go there just very all in. But not everybody’s like that. So Jeff you’re right. They do.

00;24;27;16 – 00;24;50;04

Doreen

You know, a lot of people don’t take and be kind to yourself. Right. Well, it’s like like the, atomic habits. It’s those little baby goals that you achieve that are going to give you the motivation and the belief, the belief in yourself that you can do this. Well, you can do it for an example, another another, action step for your career or.

00;24;50;05 – 00;25;16;00

Doreen

Yeah, maybe researching local networking events. Yeah. Or maybe drafting that first outline of what your business website might look like. Absolutely. So these are just such simple beginnings that are going to keep you motivated. Correct. And it’s true. The baby steps I’m impatient. So I learned I you know no no not you not me. So you know I don’t like baby steps.

00;25;16;00 – 00;25;47;03

Doreen

I like big leaps and jumps. But please don’t don’t take that. Please don’t forget to connect these action steps with your why for an instance. For instance, I want to feel confident. I want to feel energetic for my children. I want the freedom and fulfillment to build something on my own. Right. You know, so these whys are going to help you to overcome everything, but it also keeps you grounded exactly.

00;25;47;06 – 00;26;14;01

Doreen

When you when you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Right, right, right. And go for that 20 minute walk right. That the why is there. Okay. Now we’re going to talk about oh, and there’s the the quote, the quote. Yeah. Go ahead. Again, James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, says real sustainable success is built on small, consistent steps.

00;26;14;03 – 00;26;41;03

Jeff

The value of focusing on one thing at a time can’t be overstated. That’s how important it is. Exactly. Okay. All right. Moving on to principle number four. And number four, the importance of small daily habits. Well, we kind of talked about that. And again the importance of sustainable change is made through tiny actions. But the key is repeated daily.

00;26;41;05 – 00;27;07;01

Jeff

Right. So you can set micro what I call micro goals say that five times fast micro goals. Micro goals it’s not so easy but it’s not. I could barely get it out once you end up saying my goal. Yeah right. So it might be something as small as today. I’ll spend 15 minutes reviewing my bills and organizing what needs to be paid this month.

00;27;07;03 – 00;27;25;20

Doreen

You know, this is for someone possibly that wants to have a better understanding of their financials, right? So celebrate. Also, I think this is important. The the small wins. You know, if you go for that 15 minutes of sitting down and understanding your finances or you go for a 20 minute walk, don’t come home and say it’s only 20 minutes.

00;27;25;20 – 00;27;49;05

Doreen

If I hear that, I’m going to get upset, okay. What I want to hear is high five. I just did 20 freakin minutes and I did it. Okay, because I don’t think you have to do more. I think we’re always saying we’re so hard on ourselves, right? Give yourselves a big and attaboy. And then I like to also suggest link new habits to existing routines.

00;27;49;05 – 00;28;14;24

Doreen

This is also what, you know, obviously Doctor Hardy has talked about, but I just I say I meaning I, I do these things, I incorporate these things and I do this, I practice what I’m preaching. So I do this. So link new habits to existing routines. You could say like every Saturday morning I’m going to sit down and I’m going to, you know, review my financials.

00;28;14;26 – 00;28;38;24

Doreen

Right. Because that’s what I do with meditation. It’s more of a habit. Like every morning I get up and I brush my teeth. Right. It could be every morning I get up and with my coffee, I do whatever for me, meditation. Every night after I get home from work. Before I have dinner, I meditate. It’s kind of like you get, you know, changed.

00;28;38;24 – 00;29;26;18

Doreen

I meditate and then I have dinner to make it part of your habitual just daily being, well, principle five empathy for your transitional journey. Haha. We just started talking about being kind to yourself, right? Yeah, it was a good segue. Exactly. Well, divorce changes everything. Your finances, parenting, living arrangements, and especially your identity. And I think that for some of the listeners, maybe you don’t even know at this stage of like rebuilding your life and just getting past the broken marriage, the divorce, and now settling into your life, you know, as a, post divorce person, single person like you may not even know or think that you have any energy towards thinking big.

00;29;26;24 – 00;29;48;23

Jeff

And that’s understandable. This comes at different timing for different people, so be kind with yourself. But I would say that the struggles from the divorce and the things you are dealing with right now as a result of it, might give you some insight into things. You could now say, I want my future self to be as a result of.

00;29;48;23 – 00;30;12;03

Doreen

So here they are. The first thing is finances, right? Because you’re everything in divorce involves changes in income and new budgeting and realities and less money available. Right. So that might be something that could trigger your like, oh what does that mean? Right. Maybe, maybe you want to make more dollars. Maybe you want to understand your budget better.

00;30;12;10 – 00;30;33;25

Doreen

Like that might trigger something. What’s another one Well, they say the the second most stressful thing in life is moving. Yes. Well, first first is divorce. And then there you go. What about death and and and all the other things, I don’t know. First of all, I don’t know about stressful, but, but it is moving. Moving is up there and here things up there after divorce, you have both to deal with.

00;30;33;29 – 00;30;56;17

Doreen

Right. So and it can be emotional and very disruptive, you know, focus on creating new routines and view it as a chance to build the environment your future self needs. Yeah. So change your your surroundings. Yes, exactly. Take that. Take the yuck in that which is oh I have to move or I have to give up this house that I had to.

00;30;56;17 – 00;31;18;15

Doreen

Oh, this is a new opportunity to create my new space, my new place, my new colors and smells. And the kids get to decorate their rooms. And maybe I get to live in a community that I really like, you know, and be budget conscious if you need to or figure that out as well. And you can decorate your place without anybody else’s permission or whether they like it or not.

00;31;18;18 – 00;31;42;18

Doreen

And that’s very true. You can color it any color you want. Yeah, or several colors. Okay. Co-parenting is another area that’s, you know, very stressful in divorce. So approach co-parenting like a team project, right? Set clear boundaries, that’s for sure. Keep communication brief and solution focused. Those are some tips from me. But remember your ex is likely grieving too.

00;31;42;20 – 00;32;09;11

Doreen

So co-parenting is like, how do I see my future self as a co-parent, right? Yeah. We talked about this earlier about your identity because there’s an identity shift. You know, it’s normal to feel lost after moving from being a spouse to a single parent. So give yourself permission to grieve, explore what excites you and energizes you, and make time for self care and new experiences.

00;32;09;12 – 00;32;38;29

Jeff

Absolutely. Yeah. Next thing is self-compassion. We just talked about this. Recognize that the grief, anger and fear you’re experiencing, they’re all valid, right? I had someone recently who was telling me that she was surprised that she could get her anger in check, you know, and it’s fresh. The divorce is fresh. I said, give yourself a break. Right? Definitely hits you at different times, right?

00;32;39;00 – 00;33;01;26

Doreen

She like she doesn’t want to be angry, but she says she can’t control the anger and she’s working on it. You know, she’s in therapy and she’s talking with me about it and we’re slowing down. But it’s, I think the recognition and the acknowledgment, which is the next one. Well, actually the next one, we’re going to talk a little bit more, but that’s, that’s not, that’s important.

00;33;01;26 – 00;33;27;07

Doreen

Right. Like give yourself compassion and be okay with the fact that you don’t have to be perfect right now or ever. You don’t. You’re perfect and beautiful and loved just the way you are. And if anybody is telling you anything else, they’re lying. Okay. You are. You’re perfect just the way you are. So be compassionate with yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

00;33;27;07 – 00;33;55;10

Doreen

I tell my girls this all the time, and I think that’s exactly what acknowledgment is. Yes. Is not being so hard on yourself, understanding that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Yeah, change is hard, but each step you take, even the messy or the awkward ones, is one step closer to that future self that you want. So I’m just going to wrap it up, putting it all together and action plan encouragement.

00;33;55;13 – 00;34;29;26

Doreen

So the first thing is the action plan what I’m going to call the template right? One. Visualize your future self. Who do you want to be post-divorce? Number two, clarify your top three priorities. Number three reverse engineer the next steps for each. And number four, list one small, just one consistent action per day. And then number five. Show empathy to yourself for setbacks.

00;34;29;29 – 00;35;04;13

Doreen

Progress, not perfection is the goal. Okay, so I want to say that again. Show empathy to yourself for setbacks progress. You’re going to have both, not perfection. That is the way to get to the goal okay. All right everyone, if you want to reach out to us you can reach me at my actual law office. We have moved, our coaching over to, a separate section in our website.

00;35;04;13 – 00;35;28;27

Doreen

So you should be able to find it at your family law group.com. You can also call us there and ask for me. (561) 276-3880. If you’re interested in learning more about our coaching, Jeff would be interested in giving you a call back. I could as well. And until then, have a blessed and beautiful week. Have a wonderful day. Bye bye.