Hello, my beautiful friends. I have a question for you. I think it’s really important. It’s an important topic and thing for you to consider now. And always, and certainly for the new year. So the question is, what do you want, what do you want for yourself and why, and what goals do you have to get there for the new year?
And always this is important because when I speak with my clients, Many of them when I ask them, what do you want? They say, I don’t know. So getting to really know yourself after divorce. All the endless possibilities and pass you can take and knowing what you want is really, really important. And you have to know this to create the life you dream of the life you want, and it’s yours for the taking, but you have to start with the what, what is it?
You want and why, what if I told you that your divorce could end up being one of the best things that could happen to you? I’m Doreen, Yaa, marital, and family, lawyer, and certified life coach. I’ve been coaching and consulting women for over 26 years. I’ve seen it. Now I’m sharing my expertise and my own personal experiences to help you turn a difficult time into your amazing divorce.
So today let’s discuss, knowing what we want and not just what we think we want and how we can find clarity on it, but how to get. Knowing what we want as opposed to what we think we want or what we have, or don’t have are very, very different many times. We think we want certain things that we don’t have.
And really we may not even. Want, but we think we want them because of this like knee jerk reaction or thought, you know, for many in divorce, because they are losing a relationship, meaning that the relationship is over even. A bad one. My clients think they want as an example, to find someone new or they go to the other extreme.
And they’ll say, I’m done with men. I’m never getting married again. I’m gonna be alone forever. Can you see how these are knee jerk statements based on the circumstance that they’re in in this case, the divorce, and this is just one example of things we want or think we want, or don’t. I wanna discuss the difference between wants and desires.
The difference between falses desires and wants and quick fixes to overcome something immediately and true and genuine wants that come from digging deep in our minds and hearts and thinking through as to what we really want and why you want it. . If you ask a friend what they want, many times you will hear something like, well, I don’t know what I want, but if I take the time and I dig a little deeper and I ask, but what do you really want for yourself?
They start to think of it on a deeper, more profound level. You know, in a perfect world, if you could have whatever you want as if that’s an option, cuz I think you can have anything you want. If you could have whatever you wanted in the world, what would you want? I wanna ask. And I wanna suggest that when you do all the work I’ve been speaking about with you.
That it’s really the same thing. Then they will start to say things like, well, I always wanted to be a lawyer, a doctor, an entrepreneur, a mother, and LIS can go on and on. And then in the same breath, they’ll say something like, but I’m not smart enough. I’m too old. And all these excuses. But it takes really working through your thoughts on your wants and while being realistic as to how long and what’s involved to get there is important and certainly necessary.
Many of us end up coming up with excuses before we even really had the time to breathe into it and know what is truly. Possible now I am one of those firm believers that you can truly have anything you want. It is all brain, brain thoughts, brain over anything else, hard work, focus. And yes, time, I have always lived that way.
With that mentality. I knew for example, that I would be a lawyer and an entrepreneur when I was 13. How did I know that? I just knew, and it wasn’t that I had a family of lawyers or money. In fact, my mom was a single mom working two jobs to make ends meet. My dad was absent and I had no money. I just knew that it would happen because I know that all it takes is focused, dedication and hard work.
I then knew that I wanted to practice family law and wanted to be in a firm with a top divorce attorney to learn from. And. I made it happen. It’s all mindset. And then doing it, you know, I was talking to my middle daughter, Megan. We were at dinner the other night and she wants to open. She wants to be a vet.
She wants to open up like a vent. Care center and she wants to own her own practice. She’s a junior in college and she knows this. She knows what she wants. She even has the name of the practice and that she will specialize in. Orthopedics for animals. Like I even knew what that was. No, I didn’t cool stuff.
Right. She did mention about time involving like another four years that after she completes college, she’ll have to go to bed school. and that the competition of getting into vet school is difficult. It is, and that she has a serious boyfriend and how this will all work out. I wanted her to think about the end in mind and what that looks like and let her know that if she changes her mind, for reasons that make sense.
And aren’t just her brain playing tricks on her as to why it’s a good or bad idea that. It will work out. It will be. Okay. So I want you to take a moment and as we get into the new year, think about the question for a few minutes in a perfect world. If there were no obstacles or doubt or confusion, What do you really want?
Allow yourself to be surprised at what you want. Allow yourself to be delighted and happy and excited. Sometimes when I ask a client, this question, they’ll say something like, but doen, you mean there’s no limits? And I’m like, yes, no. They end up sharing the most beautiful, amazing, and awesome desires that they have of what they want for themself.
And so if you haven’t done this exercise for yourself, I suggest you do it and see what comes up for you. Remember, you don’t have to act on it. It’s. A learning exercise for only you, at this point, you get to still decide to take action or not. You have complete power in your life and you don’t have to let the knowing of what you truly want be painful or a disappointment.
And I think that it’s important. To get to know yourself and your belief systems. Why do you think you can’t be, or you can’t have what you want knowing that and what it is and what your fears are, or your confusion versus some other real fact that prevents you from having what you want is really important.
Your desires. What you want is a map to your destiny, your true desires, what you truly want your calling. It’s what motivates you. It’s what moves you forward. And it’s important to understand why you want, what you want is the want for some sort of quick short fix without a real end in sight. Or known what I call a false desire that doesn’t really prove your greatness, the greatness of who you are and what you have to offer to the world for you.
It may be worth it in knowing what you want for your future to understand what you have today and why, when you look at your life, would you make the same choices? I can hear many of you saying, well, hell no, obviously I just went through this divorce and so no, I would not have chosen to marry that person.
That was a mistake because look where I’m today I’m divorced or can you look at your choices and say, but. Hey, that marriage made me a mother and I have this beautiful child. And so I guess I would have made the same decision because if I had not married him, that I wouldn’t have this child, this amazing little person.
I get that figuring out what you really want can be scary. It’s not easy to be honest with yourself about your life, because for many of you, what you want may be beyond what we currently have. I believe that it’s natural to want more, to want bigger, to want different. I believe that as humans, there are generally some natural internal drive inside of each and every one of us that nudges us to dream, to evolve, to do more.
and that is always there. We generally don’t wake up one day and say, well, that’s it. I’m done. There’s nothing more that I want in my life. Do you wanna grow and do more? I can’t imagine why anyone would compromise every day of what is possible in this the night. Life on earth that we have, all of your wants are important, even with all the doubts and confusion.
So for you, my friend, I encourage you to get to a place when you think about what you really want. That brings up fear and excitement, all rolled into one all at the same time, but also with it is this energy that things can really happen for you. If you want certain things and you have certain desires, know that with that comes fear.
Fear of failure, fear of not knowing how even fear of having it, fear of what people might think when you do it. Fear of what you may have to give up or change in order to have it. It’s okay to be afraid. I want to encourage you to have a private one on one conversation with yourself about the truth, about what you want and why.
It’s an exercise in self-awareness understanding by self-awareness and what better time than right now, while you’re going through or after divorce to do this. And when you do this for yourself, try your best. Not to be vague. Vague is like a statement. I wanna be happy. I want a nice partner. Don’t be vague, be specific.
Now I know some of you are going, but I really have do no idea what I want. I don’t know. How do you know what you want? This requires getting into a relationship with yourself and it requires honesty and deep inquiry. Into who you are and what you want your future to be. I don’t want you to deny yourself this self awareness, because you are afraid of negative emotions that will come up.
Instead. I propose that the negative emotions are needed to get to the truth about what you want. It’s just part of it. Then the next part of it is honesty. Honesty with yourself. that’s the why of what you want. The, why do you want something because of someone else and what they expect of you or some social expectation.
So remember, you can tell yourself the truth and when you do this, keep in mind, you don’t have to act on anything, but you need to be honest with yourself and owning the truth and knowing that you have the ability to go for it or not. Is. Of the process, you know, it’s very different than lying to yourself and telling yourself you don’t want something that you really do.
Do you understand? So let’s recap. As we get into the new year, the first step is to take the time the self-awareness to understand your own desires, your true wants and your true desires. The second thing is to tell yourself the truth as to why you want what you want and the truth about if you will or will not take action on it and being okay with either decision.
The third thing is that you need to be okay with and know that there will be fear when you do this exercise, recognize you’re going to do this and it’s going to bring up some fear and that’s okay. Are you courageous enough to consider it? Have you ever taken the time to tell yourself the truth then when the fear comes up, breathe.
Don’t avoid it, deal with it because when you avoid the fear that’s associated with what you want, you deny your own desires and the life you can have, your brain is there to protect you and to do what it knows and not venture out of the cave into an unknown world of who knows what. So your brain is not programmed for.
The future and your desires, your brain is programmed for survival. It’s your primitive brain trying to protect you. It will tell you all the reasons why, whatever you want is just a bad idea. It wants to keep you safe, where it lives and not take risk out in the world, but know that you’re okay. Your tive brain can be controlled by.
You can decide what you want. And then after all that, you can make a choice of doing it or not. You can make a decision without judgment as any decision you make is okay. No judgment. Even if you say no to what you want, but so long as you’re honest with yourself as to the reason it has to be a real reason.
You become self-empowered by making a decision, even if you make a decision not to pursue the want, even if you make the decision to let the fear overcome you and not pursue the want and make a conscious choice. If you say I’m just too afraid to go and do this to go back to school, open my own business, switch careers, get remarried, write a blog, write.
To learn to play tennis, whatever it is, even though you really want to, if you are afraid and you recognize that and you make a decision not to move forward. That’s okay. Tell yourself the truth, make the decision and in that decision, your power will be released. And it doesn’t mean that’s the decision forever.
It can be just for now for this new year, for today. And if you are going for it, know that you will fail and then you have to keep going. There is not one successful person that hasn’t failed their way to greatness. Failure is just part of getting there. You have to fail in order to succeed. You try something, it doesn’t work.
You fail, you try something new it’s plain and simple. You don’t have to compromise. You don’t have to make sacrifices in what you truly desire. You can pursue your desires and an evolution of who you are after divorce to the better and amazing life that you want, that you deserve and that you can have.
What are you willing to do to honor your own desire? How much fear are you willing to battle and go through? And why does it matter? Once that is in your awareness and you tell yourself the truth and you honor the fear that comes along with it. Then you can make the choice to change. And I’m going to offer that when you take action on a true desire, you are living the purpose of your life.
So for this new year, I want you to sit down. I want you to think about what you really, really want. If there were no obstacles, no confusion, no. Anything just, you could have it. What would it be? Then decide if you really, really want it and why, and then make a decision one way or another to go for it or not.
All right. My friends have an amazing new year care about you so much. You are. So important just the way you are and remember, yes, you can, and you will have an amazing life after divorce. And until next time have an amazing rest of the day. And remember, yes, you can buy everybody. Thanks so much for listening for tips, updates, and expert advice.
Be sure to visit your amazing divorce.com. And remember my friends. Yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce. See you there. Views expressed by the participants of this program are their own and do not represent the views of nor are they endorsed by YFA family law group or your divorce law center, their respective officers, directors, employees, agents, or representatives.
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