Ep. 25 – When You Are Left

Hi, my beautiful friend. And how are you doing? I hope you’re having a good day. I hope you’re in a good place. And I’m here with you. So, let me tell you a little bit about my episode today. I finished basically a, re-certification kind of like an exam through the life coach school. And one of the questions that they asked where we had to write down our response, kind of like an essay was about grief, about loss when you’re not expecting it, or you don’t want.

To lose something or someone. So that is what I’m gonna talk to you today about. And it’s something I haven’t really addressed specifically before about when you are the one who has been left, maybe you didn’t want the divorce. Maybe you didn’t know it was even coming when you are the one who was left.

It’s a different situation than when you are the one who decides to leave, or even when there was a mutual understanding between you and your spouse or your partner about. Ending the relationship. So let’s get started. What if I told you that your divorce could end up being one of the best things that could happen to you?

I’m Doreen, YFA marital and family, lawyer, and certified life coach. I’ve been coaching and consulting women for over 26. I’ve seen it all. Now I’m sharing my expertise and my own personal experiences to help you turn a difficult time into your amazing divorce. The first step is to permit yourself, to grieve, to cry and to be sad, you see the knee jerk reaction to being left for most of us.

is to be filled with this overwhelming anger to get mad because you feel so out of control and you’re scared. So the immediate action we want to take when we feel these emotions of anger and sadness is to lash out, to try to get control of the circumstances, to change the circumstance. And of course, to blame.

Your spouse, your partner, and to get mad. The first thing to do when you are feeling this way is to not react and not to lash out. You want to stop yourself and listen to your thoughts, to breathe into them. To, as I tell you many times to take a time out, you see most of the time, what really. is happening underneath all that anger is just grief.

Coupled with sadness. It’s important to go through the grieving process over the loss of a relationship. When you stay too long in the anger and blame stage, you don’t permit the grieving stage. And again, you need the grieving stage to move. And to heal. The next thing you have to be careful about when someone left you is not to turn that into that.

There’s something wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you. My friend, the reality is that sometimes relationships just. Things change people, change circumstances, change that doesn’t reflect on you. And for those of you that may have caused a circumstance resulting in the end or what the other person suggests, is there a reason for leav.

this too does not mean anything is wrong with you. There is a difference between doing something you may regret and being a bad person. Please try to see the difference, the distinction here and act versus that there is something wrong with you. Is the distinction I want you to think about you are a human.

nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes we make decisions and we regret them. Sometimes we don’t. That is part of the human experience. The goal, my friend is to process the pain and processing the pain is one of the most important skill sets we can learn because we will have pain from time to time in life.

People get sick people die, people leave, we lose a job. These things are painful. Processing pain is usually a heavy feeling within you and you may carry it inside of you for some time. The goal here is to know that you will, you will. I promise be okay. It may take time and you should not rush through this.

Everyone needs more or less time, just depending. So you wanna take the time because if you try to rush through the pain, inevitably you end up back there. You need to feel the loss and the grief. And to try to distinguish that from blaming yourself or feeling sorry for. Next you want to get support. It is very helpful to have a viable support person, like a therapist, a social worker, a life coach to help you clearly process things you see when someone leaves you.

It is not uncommon to be focused on this daily, hourly, and for time for a lot of time to come. It may dominate your thoughts. You will likely speak with friends and others close to you about the circumstance, about him or her leaving about the loss, but these people are not trained in helping you and holding what I call and what we call in the coaching industry.

Space for you space without comment, without siding with you or judgment. Additionally, and to be honest with you, because most of you have been there with some of your friends, your friends likely will get sick and tired of hearing about it. Feel uncomfortable after a while, or give you unfortunately terrible, terrible advice.

Therapist and coaches on the other hand will help you process your feelings, work with you through them and help you obtain clarity and help you work through the anger blame and how it is not serving. see coaches and therapists help you see the thoughts that aren’t serving you and the results that are happening or what they will look like.

If you continue without understanding your thoughts, venting to people that buy into your story that you are sharing with them is not serving. It likely feels good in the moment, but doesn’t do anything to help you heal. In fact, it helps you to stay stuck longer. So while having friends to speak with is okay, as long as you understand all this and have this balance with real support, from those who hold space without buying into your story is.

The next thing you have to consider when you are the one who was left and when you hurt and you’re in pain, is that it’s so easy to buffer these negative feelings away with things like false pleasures. I talk about a lot alcohol hiding away in social media for hours, you know, surfing the net, watching.

TV shows for endless hours, maybe even dating right away when you’re just not ready, please don’t do this. You have to allow the pain to be there. And when you buffer you avoid the pain and when you avoid, you cannot heal. If you were left, use it to learn from. To gain insight from, you know, it’s your opportunity to rethink your future.

You see, when you are in a relationship, you always give up things you want for your partner. Sometimes it’s small things. Sometimes it’s bigger things. Now you get to focus in on what you really want for you and for your future. That’s why I call the podcast, my podcast, your amazing divorce. You see, this is your opportunity and time to heal, learn, and to grow from and to rediscover yourself to your amazingness no longer are you someone’s partner or wife or husband.

But I want you to think about something when you are in a relationship and you are in a marriage, you lose some of your self-identity. This is your opportunity to get your power back. You see the power now as yours to create your future, decide who you are. and what you want for your future and for everything else in between, maybe you don’t want the same house or the same friends.

Maybe you were friends with certain people because of your spouse. Maybe you wanna try new activities that your spouse didn’t really want you to get involved in or travel places he or she wasn’t interested in traveling. Maybe you don’t even like really like the city you are in, or it could be as simple as maybe you like a certain type of clothing or style that your.

Didn’t really care for. And so to make him happy, you didn’t go there. You didn’t wear those types of clothes, but now you get to make these decisions of what you want kind of freeing isn’t it. When you really think about it, this is your time, but not until you do the work. And like I said, you can apply this.

To other losses in your life, like maybe you were let go from a job. And when you feel the grief of losing the job and you do the work, maybe you’ll reconsider and think, do I really like this line of work this career? Anyhow, maybe this is your opportunity to look into doing what your. And soul and real being has passion for and wants.

And so my friend, if you were left, if you didn’t want the divorce work through the process of grief, get to a place that you feel okay. Start to let yourself discover your new future and where you want to go. Don’t try to jump too fast though, from one stage to another, these things take time. And so with that being said, I know it’s a short episode today, but it’s so important.

If you are feeling sad and. Over the loss of your relationship. I want you to take the time to pamper yourself, to care for yourself, to be intimate with who you are and to heal with the resources and the people that you need to help you through. It’s. You will get there and until next time, have an amazing rest of the day.

And remember, yes, you can buy everybody. Thanks so much for listening for tips, updates, and expert advice. Be sure to visit your amazing divorce.com. And remember my friends. Yes, you can have an amazing life after. See you there views expressed by the participants of this program are their own and do not represent the views of nor are they endorsed by YFA family law group or your divorce law center, their respective officers, directors, employees, agents, or representatives.

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