Ep. 26 – Time Has Nothing To Do With It

Hi, my beautiful friends. How are you? Are you getting stronger? Are you feeling better? After your divorce or are you stuck today? We’re gonna talk about deciding to get over the divorce and your ex, so let’s get started. What if I told you that your divorce could end up being one of the best things that could happen to you?

I’m Doreen, Yaa, marital, and family, lawyer, and certified life. I’ve been coaching and consulting women for over 26 years. I’ve seen it all. Now. I’m sharing my expertise and my own personal experiences to help you turn a difficult time into your amazing divorce. You know, I spoke before about getting over your divorce, but I have not done a specific episode on what getting over the divorce might be and look like and what you might want to consider to help you move through to the other side faster, sooner than later.

And why not? Why would you wanna be stuck feeling horrible day in. And day out don’t you want to get past this sooner? No one wants to stay stuck in the negative emotions that come with divorce. First thing I want you to know is that time, my friend time has nothing to do with it. I mean, you know how the saying goes, time, heals all wounds.

And I say, when it comes to divorce, a big note of that, because you have the capacity to move through this faster people. Ask me, my women, clients, my men, clients, they come to me and they’re like, Doreen, how long am I gonna feel like, you know what? It’s been a month. It’s been a year. And I’m feeling the same way.

I can’t seem to move past it. And the first thing I say is that, and I’ve touched on this before. No two divorces are the same. No two people are the same, but what I really mean to say is that no two people think about the circumstance of the divorce. The same, you see thoughts, create feelings, create actions that create results.

And that’s just the way it is. Many of you are likely trying to get over your divorce, but not dealing with your thoughts about it. You’re ignoring your story about the divorce, about your ex ignoring, what you need to do. And you know what, it’s not your fault. You don’t know because no one teaches you this stuff, but I do the natural reaction to the negative feelings that stem from your divorce is to ignore them, resist them, react to them.

Things like lashing out or stalking your ex you know what I’m talking about? I see you, or you might be resisting all those negative feelings by buffering actions like over drinking, over partying, eating, even dating. These can all be done just to get past that negative feeling, to get a quick dopamine hit in the moment.

or maybe you think you are dealing with things, right? Because you’re meditating, you’re working out, you’re eating well, you’re reading all these self-help books. You’re praying. It sounds great. Right. And these things are good for your mind. And. But however you are dealing with your negative feelings from the divorce.

It’s your thoughts that you gotta work on? You’re not getting to the heart of, what’s gonna move you past this. If you don’t listen, understand and acknowledge your thoughts about the divorce, your thoughts about your ex and time. Time, just letting time pass day in and day out, month in and month out, years in and years out.

That’s not the answer. Either. Time has nothing to do with feeling better. I promise you, it’s your thoughts that you have to work on to get over things. That’s it plain and simple, but why Dore? Because your thoughts are the reason you feel the way you do think back. Maybe you went through a breakup before you got married.

Maybe it was a major breakup. Maybe it wasn’t such a big deal. You know, I was just speaking to one of my clients about this. She said to me, why am I having such a challenging time with all these negative feelings I have about my ex. Why am I obsessed with him? I wake up thinking about him and how horrible things are.

And I go to sleep thinking about him, all these negative feelings. I can’t seem to get past it. And I asked her if she had ever been in a relationship in which she didn’t. Even care when they broke up, she got through it super quick. It was like, she moved on so quickly and she was like, sure thing, my boyfriend from college perfect example, she says to me, it was like, we broke up and I just moved on and I asked her, what was D.

She said to me, I didn’t care anymore. He would tell me how much he loved me. And my thought, when he said that was that I’m over this. I don’t love him anymore. I can see all these things about him that just don’t work. But it was the same three words. I love you. So it’s not the words I love you. It’s your thought about the words when you hear.

That’s why two people can be in the same exact circumstance or hear the same words and feel differently. It’s their thought about the circumstance? It’s their thought about the words that makes the difference. that’s where you need to place your efforts on your thoughts about your ex and the divorce.

If you don’t change your thought, you stay stuck. You see, you can’t get unstuck by doing things or just time passing. You have to change your thoughts. You have to look at what you want for yourself, the results you want in your life. Do you wanna stay stuck where you are, or do you want to move? You have this story about what he did, the divorce, how he wronged you, how the judge wronged you about how you lost so much money or time with your child.

A lot of what I call self pity thoughts. Well, as I say, how’s that working out for you, you know, because of the results you get in your life. If you’re getting results that you want. You’re making progress. You’re working on your thoughts, but if you are not, then you have to do the work. There’s just no way around it.

You know, what time does is it does give you an opportunity, an opportunity to slow down, listen to your thoughts, learn from your thoughts and to understand and grow. So you can have a better life, an amazing life, a healthier, better life, and maybe even a much better romantic relationship or marriage in the future.

You have to learn, look at your thoughts. Why are you thinking the way you are? Could you look at it differently? Like why did this divorce happen? See it as life, not happening to you, but instead that this divorce happened for you to learn from, to embrace, to grow from it’s that the divorce happened for you versus two, you it’s the four versus the two, even if it’s just a small shift in this direct.

To start to see why the divorce occurred, why the relationship didn’t work out. Did you settle for him in the first place? Did you get married for the right reasons? These are serious and important questions. You have to ask yourself. So what can help you move on sooner than later? The first thing my friend, listening and learning from your thoughts, doing the work here as I just discussed, what else?

The second thing decide, make a freaking decision for yourself. Decide it’s time to be done with this to move on. Make the decision for yourself. Got it. Say it out loud. I’m deciding today to move on. I’m done. Write it down, put it on post-its and place it all over your house so you can see it and be reminding.

Yourself on a continuous basis that you’ve made a decision right here right now to move on, look yourself in the mirror and say, I got your back. You are getting over this, do it every day. We make hundreds of decisions every day. Not only the decisions that you’re aware of, like what you’re going to order for lunch, but decisions on how you are going to think about the things and the circumstance that happen in your life, but decisions on how you are going to think about things.

That’s where the beauty lies. That’s where the focus needs to be. You know, for example, let’s say your ex writes you a nasty text message. You have a decision at that time when you read it of what you’re going to do with it. Are you gonna go ahead and respond quickly with a nasty email back, maybe justifying yourself or placing blame defending.

Are you going to ignore it? Are you gonna respond back and talk about whatever the issue is in a kinder way? What is the result that you’re looking for? Ask yourself that question. When you make a decision such as how you’re gonna respond to a text message from your ex what is the result you’re looking for work backwards on that?

And then think about how your reaction to the text will likely end up. In other words, if you send back a text message that’s nasty and defensive and finger pointing, what do you expect your ex to do? Why would you want to engage with your ex in such. Circled behavior that gets you nowhere. Why are you taking a course of action that you are taking?

What do you want for your life, for your future self and make decisions on purpose with your best self in mind?

The next thing I recommend is to do things that make sense. And elevate you to the best version of yourself that will get you there, whatever the, there is. So remember me talking earlier about my client who was obsessed with her ex she was obsessed waking up in the morning, thinking about him, going to sleep, thinking about him.

She was stalking him on social media. She even drove by his house. Many times she was speaking with her friends about him. She was trying to figure out who he was with what he was doing, how he was getting over the divorce himself. But all these acts are keeping her stuck. So I explained to her that she really needs to stop, that she needs to stop all these things that are keeping her stuck.

So make a decision. to not engage in behaviors that are going to keep you stuck. You have to think about that. You have to stop yourself from reacting and placing yourself in a position that will keep you from getting over your divorce, make a vow to yourself, to stop these behaviors that are keeping you stuck.

I also see a lot of clients after divorce that are nitpicking over things that their ex should be doing. For example, paying support on time. Or reimbursing for a particular expense of the child. Fail to do so. And they are calling them out on every single act. Think about that. Why are you engaging? So he didn’t give you the check on the first he gave it to you on the second.

Is he required to give it to you on the first? Yes. But do you really want to get engaged in litigation over this or to contact your lawyer on it? Or is it something that you can just let go at this. Ask yourself. The question, am I engaging in certain? Behaviors am I calling him out on all of the specifics of our agreement?

Just to keep him aware that I’m here, that I’m watching, is that helping you to get past the divorce? Likely not. Now, I’m not suggesting that if someone’s not paying their support, where it becomes later than a day, that you don’t take action. What I’m suggesting is think about the cost benefit and think about why.

You’re taking action. That’s it? Another example is, you know, let’s say you have an ex, who’s always bringing the kids home late. You know, he’s supposed to be there at five and he is always shown up like 5, 10, 5, 15. What are you doing with that? Are you staying engaged and reacting on it, calling them out on it because you don’t want to let go.

I mean, did the kids really enjoy the extra 10 minutes? Was it really a big deal? So again, it’s just thinking before you act. So again, to recap things, to help you to get through and over your divorce sooner than later one, listen to your thoughts. Two decide you’re moving on. You’re done with this three, do things that serve you and don’t keep you stuck.

Like ignoring the nasty text message. Number four is get support for yourself. You know, I’m a life coach and I counsel clients as a life coach and I help people get through their divorce sooner than later. But whether it’s me or it’s another life coach or it’s a therapist, or it’s a really good friend that doesn’t wanna buy into your story, but kind of calls you out on your stuff.

Or maybe it’s a support group. I don’t know, but there’s lots of support available. So check into that. We get a trainer when we wanna have, you know, a better body, we go to a diet center. Sometimes if we wanna have a food protocol and have accountability from somebody else, we hire a business coach or other professionals when we need help.

In that respect, we hire tutors for our children when they’re struggling in a particular class. So if you need help, just admit it and get it. You deserve. Why not aren’t you worth it to move on sooner than later and get on with your life. And my last bit of advice to getting past your divorce and your ex is if you’re not moving on to understand now, hopefully that time really has nothing to do with it.

You know? So my next question is why are you not moving? number five is excuses. What are your excuses for not doing what you need to do to protect yourself, to move on from staying stuck? You’re smarter than staying stuck. If you have excuses, think about them. Why, what you are saying is an excuse is an excuse.

Is it really an excuse or is it your brain somehow keeping you in a place that. Don’t deserve to be in, you know, excuses are time Steelers. If you want the life you deserve, you can’t let your primitive brain tell you or convince you not to move on and do what you need to do, which is your prefrontal cortex.

To get there, your human thinking brain, your prefrontal cortex is the one that can help you get on and over your divorce and create the life you want. So make a decision that this is your life, your future, and let’s. Move on grow, learn, heal, understand what happened from your divorce and create the life you want for your future.

All right. My friends, I hope you. Take some of this advice. I hope you listen to it again, but most of all, I hope you implement it. And until next time, have an amazing rest of the day. And remember, yes, you can. Bye everybody. Thanks so much for listening for tips, updates, and expert advice. Be sure to visit your amazing divorce.com.

And remember my. Yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce. See you. Views expressed by the participants of this program are their own and do not represent the views of nor are they endorsed by YFA family law group or your divorce law center, their respective officers, directors, employees, agents, or representatives.

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