Ep. 42 – Quick Dating Tips

Hey, my beautiful friends, and how are you? Listen, it’s getting hot out here, down here in South Florida, wherever you are. I wonder how it feels for you. But summer is upon us and here we go. So today I’m gonna talk about. Something that someone asked me to talk about dating after divorce, or maybe even during the divorce process, so I know you all maybe are thinking about this or maybe you’re not, and that’s okay too.

So let’s get started.

Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaha and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you. And desire as partners, both in marriage and coaching. We use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

When should you start dating again after divorce? Well, let me start by saying that is not a one size fits all answer. It depends on a lot of different things. It depends on how you feel emotionally. It depends on whether you have children or not. It depends on whether you’ve been separated for a while.

It also just depends on what you really want, and may I suggest whether you’ve done some work on who you want and why you might want. So there’s different types of dating, right? Let’s just face that to start, right? There’s dating for the purpose of having a good time, meaning going out, getting to know people in a safe environment, socializing and mingling, and then there’s what we call more serious.

Dating, dating to maybe find that next special someone in your life. So there’s a lot of questions that you first might want to ask yourself when you ask yourself why you wanna date. Ask yourself and really be honest with yourself. Is this because my ex is doing it? Is it because I’m lonely? Is it because I’m looking for a soulmate?

Now, remember, please, and I tell my three girls this often, we don’t need. May I suggest we don’t need a significant other, a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, whomever in our lives in order to be complete. Please think about that. Society may have a different opinion. Your mom, your friends, others in your life may have a different opinion, but you get to make that choice.

My example of that post divorce was I didn’t like dating. I just, I was busy. I had my kids. I was enjoying my alone time, restructuring our lives together, rebuilding our life together, as you know, a single mom and my three girls, and I wasn’t really looking to date, so I took some time to kind. Spend really focused on that, and that was a beautiful thing for me when I met my husband, my current husband, Jeff, who I’ve been married to for over 12 years now.

I wasn’t looking to date someone. I met him in a place here in Boca, and we just, as they say, ran into each other from there, the sparks flew. And we ended up, and may I suggest, this is not for everybody and I’ve , I’ve explained this to you in the past, but we met on July 3rd, 12 years ago and got married November 21st.

Okay. So I don’t know if that’s a good idea for you or not to rush into a marriage, but I was not looking to necessarily, Married. I was one of those girls, you know, from high school probably that always had a boyfriend and always had a boyfriend in college, and I had long-term boyfriends and then I got married and then I got divorced, and then I got remarried.

So I’m just not the dating type. So my first question is, what are you looking for in dating? You have to answer that question. The next thing I wanna suggest to you is if you’re looking to seriously date someone, Right. You’re looking to find that next maybe important, significant person in your life. Can I suggest that you learn from the mistakes you’ve made in your past, including from your divorce?

Write down the things you don’t want in a person, and the things you do want, the things that are like. , there’s no wiggle room. You, whatever that looks like for you, and know that and be aware of it. Put it somewhere where you can take it out and refer to it. Because what happens is when we go out and we meet someone and you know, there’s that lust and then there’s the, is this a.

and you have to be able to distinguish the two. Now I wanna take a minute and talk about divorce when you’re in the divorce process, right? Should you date? And that’s really to me the same question, the same answer. Are you ready to date? How long have you been separated? If you’ve been separated for a while, you might be.

Prone to date during the divorce process, but personally and as a lawyer, I would suggest that you’ve got a lot going on if you’re still in that process that you need to focus in on. Right? And so it may not be the best time to date, seriously. Can you go out once in a while, get asked out, maybe say, I assume so, but just be aware of what you have on your plate.

Now post divorce and after things have settled a little bit, that’s a different story. Right now we start to say, mm, maybe I should start dating. Now. Some times people want to date to kind of replace, right? They haven’t given themselves. Enough time to grieve the loss of their marriage. Whether it was a bad divorce or friendly divorce, you’re still grieving the loss of a relationship and that takes time and is.

Involved. There’s a lot of emotions involved with that. So you have to be ready to balance the emotions that you’re going to need to be involved in dating, because let’s just face it, dating takes effort, right? , you gotta get out there. You gotta get yourself on an. Or a dating app or whatever it is. You gotta ask people.

You gotta keep your eyes open. If you’re looking for someone, where are you looking for someone? There’s a lot involved in that, and you’re just coming out of the divorce, so give yourself a break and make sure you are ready. To put the time in, people are going to ask you, you’re gonna be on a date, and this person is going to ask you about your dating history, is gonna ask you likely about your divorce, about your children, what went wrong?

You’re gonna be sharing on that level. Are you ready to go there emotionally? Can you talk about your divorce when you are dating? And I’m not talking first date, I’m talking likely, you know, when you’re dating a few times. But can you talk about what happened in your divorce without being angry, sad, aggravated, all these emotions?

Are you able to do that? If you are not, then it may be a clue to you that you’re not ready to date. The goal is, To prioritize yourself and your needs after divorce first, before you start giving yourself out there to someone else. And what I mean is, look, there’s only so much of you. You have work, you have kids, maybe you have a new home, a new life.

You’re probably figuring a lot of things out differently. You’re taking on a lot more responsibility after the divorce because you’re probably a single parent now, right? With children, maybe not, but you’re having to restructure a lot. So I want you to consider to prioritize your own needs and your own growth first before giving that to someone.

Be aware of that. Here’s another bit of advice. See a life coach like myself or a therapist, you know, it amazes me how many times I, during, when I have a client and I’m handling their case and I ask them whether they spoke to a therapist, they say, no. Now I don’t push. When I have my divorced lawyer hat on, but I have to ask sometimes the reason why.

There’s lots of great resources out there, amazing therapists, amazing life coaches that are here to help you with the tools you need to. See things to work through your thoughts to start to, you know, uncover some of the damage and the emotions and help you to recover quickly. So consider seeing a therapist or a life coach or a counselor.

They may be able to help you to clarify whether you’re ready to date or not. The next thing I want you to consider is your value. I touched on this a little bit, but learn to value yourself enough so that when you date, you’re not coming from a fear of rejection. Because it doesn’t always work out and you just went through a difficult process of divorce.

Sometimes you may like somebody. You’ve been dating them a few times and they’re just not interested for them, it’s not good. It’s not a good match. The chemistry isn’t there, and are you ready to handle that? Really ask yourself that question. In other words, when you are out on your date, don’t worry so much about what they’re thinking about you, but think about what you are thinking about them.

Interview them. Get to know. Ask the tough questions. Be ready to bring it on, meaning ask them what is important to you to know this is your life and you have value, and you deserve to know the answers. Now timing is important. You don’t wanna come out of the gates, you know, with all this list of questions like, show me your financial statement, , right?

But you certainly wanna get to that point if you get past the first, second, third date, right? The next tip I have is, unfortunately, you may be still in a very vulnerable state, and some people. There seek that. They look for that. They try to take advantage of people that are emotionally vulnerable, and I just want you to be aware of that.

Be aware of the other person’s intentions as best as you can. because they may be preying on that. Now, I’m a firm believer that most people in the world come from a place of goodness. It’s how I operate. It’s what I believe generally, that people generally want. To be good that people want love, but, but there are some out there that have other intentions, so just be aware of that.

Next bit of advice that I have is just be honest. Be honest, be honest about your past to the degree you think is important, and be honest with the person about what you’re expecting from the relat. And what your desires are and your must have items are, be upfront about that. Why not? I mean, again, this is your life and you are so important and so significant, that being honest and upfront.

Is where you need to go, because if you don’t do that, you’re really doing a disservice to yourself and you’re doing a disservice to the other person. Look, if you go out on a date and the guy is like the nicest guy you’ve ever met, he’s. He’s handsome. He’s well off. He’s seems like a really nice guy.

Maybe he knew somebody and so the, you know, he got referred to you or you, you know, set up from somebody that you truly trust, like all the, all the boxes check out, but you don’t feel it. That’s okay. Just be honest. Right. The next bit of advice that I have is just be patient. Take your time. You know, some of us after divorce have this need to just jump right into a new relationship after divorce, while others take a really, really long time to be able to get out there and feel, feel emotionally strong enough to.

but you know, real connection just takes time. Don’t feel discouraged if it takes a good handful of dates to start feeling the spark, right. You may not feel of the spark as I suggested right off the bat, but give it a chance, okay? Just don’t push it down and say, no, that’s it. If he’s got the other things that you’re looking for, Give it a chance, but if it’s not there, then go back to being honest with yourself and with the person.

And you know what? Here’s two really important things, and I’m gonna close it up for the day. I want you to consider trusting your gut. Woman’s intuition. I love it. You know how you feel. Do they say things to you during the date that turn you off? Are they giving you signals that are red flags? Are they honoring your boundaries?

So don’t gaslight yourself. If your gut is telling you something about a date, it’s probably right. And I’m gonna close with my biggest. My biggest advice to you is just. Be open to new possibilities. I’m an example of that. You know, I met my husband and I got married within four months, right? I wasn’t expecting it.

I never really thought that I would get married again. It wasn’t something I even contemplated. But if I wasn’t open to him walking over to me saying hello, letting him sit down and spend time with him, I wouldn’t be married now and. Happily, it’s not perfect cuz no marriage is perfect. No relationship is perfect, but really happy most of the time knowing that at least as I sit here today, This is the guy for me.

You gotta be open to it. Okay? So, all right, my friends, some little advice on dating. I’m gonna try to get a dating expert in here at some point. Not that they really have experts in that field, but they probably do. So I’m gonna have some yummy things coming up for you in the future. And until next time, listen, have an amazing day.

Love your. And I will speak to you next week. All right, bye.

You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching visit, At L A d-coaching.com, that’s l a d as in life after divorce-coaching.com. Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day.

And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce course.