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Ep. 54 – Healthy Change and Growth is in Your Control with Jennifer Warren Medwin

My guest today is a mediator and divorce coach. She and I discuss how to feel empowered through and after your divorce as Jennifer explains some great tips of getting through the divorce and communicating with your ex. Bio: Jennifer Warren Medwin, MS is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach, Supreme Court of Florida Family Mediator, and a Certified Marital Mediator. Her private practice in Pinecrest, Miami is called Seeking Empowerment: Clarity through Partnership. Jennifer specializes in working alongside individuals and couples who are contemplating divorce and are fearful of high conflict and with those who hope to save their marriages. She partners with clients to develop the clarity, confidence, courage, conflict management strategies, and communication skills they need to move through the process. Jennifer uses her knowledge of coaching and mediation to help her clients emotionally prepare for the dissolution of their marriages or the reconciliation of their relationships in the most organized, time efficient, and productive manner. Additionally, Jennifer is Collaboratively trained, a member of the National Association of Divorce Professionals (NADP), a participant on the SupportPay Advisory Council, a member of the Amicable Divorce Network, a teacher in training at

Family and Co-parenting Enrichment Services (F.A.C.E.S. ), a committee member of KidSide, and a contributing writer for Your Tango, Thrive Global, and OurFamilyWizard. She is also the author of Strategies & Tips from a Divorce Coach: A Roadmap to Move Forward. Jennifer’s approach to divorce coaching and mediation is one that provides clients with guidance and compassion through a difficult time in their lives. [email protected]

www.seekingempowerent.com Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn: @jenseekingempowerment

Transcript

Hey, my beautiful friends, and how are you doing? I hope you’re having an amazing day. You know, life can be a little challenging after divorce, and I get that we have good days, we have bad days, but remember, life is a balance of 50 50. I have a special treat for you today. I have a guest, I have Jennifer Warren Medwin, and so we’re gonna talk to her and I’m gonna explain exactly who she is or at least somewhat who she is.

And we’re gonna dive into some really, really cool topics today. So if you are. Let’s get started.

Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaha and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you. And desire as partners, both in marriage and coaching. We use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

Okay, I have Jennifer Warren Medwin with me. Hi Jennifer. How are you? Hi, how are you? Thank you so much for having me. Uh, well it is my pleasure and thank you so much for being here. I am so appreciative that you’re here and I’m so glad that we got to talk recently and connect, and I know that we share a lot of the same concepts and values and coaching, you know, ideologies.

So I’m gonna do a little bit of an intro on you. Okay. So you have a Master’s in science. You are a certified divorce coach. You are Supreme Court of Florida Family Media. And a certified marital mediator. You also have a lot more credentials and a lot more affiliations. But you know, one of the things that I find so interesting, I thank you so much for sharing your book with me, is you have an amazing book, strategies and Tips from a Divorce coach, a roadmap to move forward, and isn’t that all about what I try to do on this podcast is, People in the middle post divorce to move on, take all their experiences, everything they’ve gone through and use it to create the life they want for sure.

So, So welcome. Thank you. So tell us, well, first thing is tell us what you do. Because when I say, when I say certified divorce coach, you know people out there know I’m a family lawyer. They know I’m a life coach, but CERT certified divorce coach, that’s different. And so tell us about what you do and how you help people.

Okay, well first I wanna tell all the listeners that in 2013, the American Bar Association defined divorce coaching as the fourth element of the divorce process. So that means, you know, when you’re contemplating going through or. Starting over after divorce, a certified divorce coach is there for you to be your thinking partner, to help you modulate your emotions so that you can focus on the logistics of life, the business of life.

And I usually work in conjunction with attorneys, financial experts, and also therapists. We usually work in teams of four, not necessarily. Only in the collaborative process, but also, um, through mediation and litigation. I become part of the team and certified divorce coaches really are sounding boards, right?

They’re here to help educate you in, for example, if you’re thinking about divorce, what type of process might best suit you, right? And what to look on, what to know, um, and really become educated in all the various ways you can, you can dissolve your marriage. And then we also. Partner with you through the process, so helping you organize all your documents.

I like to call. I, I equated to having four quadrants, right? Right. One part, right? How you organize for the process. Then there’s the legal process, the financial process, and the emotional part process, right? And one things guide you forward we’re we meet you right where you are, and we decide through a lot of open-ended questions and self, self-reflection, where you wanna be, where you wanna go, and how can we help you get there.

So are they, are your divorce when they’re in the middle of divorce versus post divorce? Mm-hmm. are, do you generally find that your clients are in a different space? You know, if I was to, to look at it collectively. So that’s an interesting question. It really depends on the self-evaluation they’ve done with themselves, the type of support that they have, um, engaged in.

So oftentimes once you’re in the middle of the process, um, you, you understand that there are many tentacles to, to divorce. Yes. And. when I meet people in that, in that sort of stage of the divorce process, um, they tend to be very overwhelmed because yes, they’re, they’re, again, there are so many facets. And so that’s where a divorce coach can help in either stage.

So if I meet them in the middle of their process, I, I help them. Create scripts for them to go to professionals, so they’re in and out in an hour. They’re extremely organized, efficient. They learn communication skills, conflict resolution skills so they can be their best selves when they are working with their soon to be ex or any of their professionals.

I also go with them to a lot of the meetings to make sure. They continue to separate the emotional side from the business side and you know, cuz at the end of the day, the other experts, they are going to, are experts in certain fields, so the lawyers are expert in the law, you know? Right, right. Expert is with the numbers and the therapists are good to work on your past traumas or patterns of behavior that led you to this moment.

Right, right. And you know, I, my last episode was, um, my 10 tips, and it wasn’t my top 10, it was just my 10 tips that dropped on Monday about how to be a good client. Mm. And part of that was keeping the motion out of it. So it sounds to me like you are able to help the client to focus in, to really narrow, keep the emotions over here.

Let’s deal with that over here. But when we’re going to visit with our lawyer as an example, let’s use our time efficiently, right? Yes. And productively, right? Because right when you are very emotional, It’s very hard to focus on how to solve the problem. You tend to focus on the problem itself. So for example, right before mediation, I work with a lot of clients when I’m coaching, not mediating, obviously.

Understood. Yes. You wear different hats, . Right. We work on pre-mediation strategies such as what I like to call the gray. Hmm. And that is, you know, we tend to be position based, zero to a hundred, black or white, and we set and we stand our ground, right? Except that compromise is essential during the divorce process.

So I’ll give, just give you an example. I had one client who wanted her spouse to pay all of college. Now at the age of 18, neither of them are responsible and she was correct digging her, her feet in and. When we were at mediation, the, her attorney was saying, you’re not gonna get a hundred, you’re just not gonna get it.

And she was getting very upset. Right. I asked her to time out, we left the room. We, we, I reminded her about the gray rock technique and we went back in the room and she said 80% told mediator, 80%. And you know what she got? More? No, she got a ok. She got 80%. She didn’t get everything she wanted, but she became so emotional and so steadfast in her position that she only wanted a hundred, that she wasn’t taking, she was being reactive.

Right. And not proactive. Right. And really, at the end of the day, what I tell my clients there, you only have. Over one aspect and that is how you react or respond. Absolutely. That’s, you know, so such great advice. Two things that trigger some thoughts from me, you know, as a lawyer, first of all, in Florida, and I know that you, you know, primarily, or at least you’re a mediator certified here in Florida.

Anything over majority the age of majority, which generally is 18 or 19, if they’re gonna still be in high school and graduate before their 19th birthday, it, you know, college is beyond that and not part of the equation. So the fact that she was able to get 80% was a huge win. And something typically that.

Doesn’t even happen. Um, the other thing that I always see, or not always, but I tell my clients, I just finished a very difficult, um, mediation and then it went into settlement for many, many days, you know, ongoing. Um, because trial was upon us, right? And. You know, the client feels like she gave too much and didn’t get enough.

Mm-hmm. , and I always say, that’s exactly how you’re supposed to feel. That, you know, it’s a compromise. That’s what mediation is, right? That’s right. That’s right. It it, it’s just part of it. I just want, I say one other thing while you’re talking about that, that’s why, you know, I, when my clients first come to me, they’re like, you know, we’ll, we’ll go to court and I’ll say, and I say to them, that’s not where you wanna be because.

For example, if you have children and you have children, Almost 18, you can create custom provisions, right? Because it’s all about negotiating and really the whole process is about negotiation. Negotiation. And that’s why having a divorce coach to partner with, to teach you conflict resolution skills, to teach you how to communicate effectively so that people will listen.

Mm-hmm. , it’s so valuable. It’s so incredibly. and it must be valuable after the divorce because you know, when they have, when they’re co-parenting, right? And now they’re dealing with issues, how you deal with your ex is very important to the reaction You’re gonna get, the, the way in which your child or your children are gonna have, you know, dealing with the parents.

And so having a divorce, After the fact. I’m sure it can be extremely beneficial. You do that as well, right? Yes, I, yes, I do that as well. And in fact, I’m training right now to become a co-parenting teacher at Faces, which is an organization here in Miami. Yes, I’m familiar with it. And even though I know that your offices are in Miami and you deal, you know, throughout the state, I know based on our previous conversations, you have clients all around the country.

Yes. Right? Yes, yes. It’s not limited just to Florida. And I think you even mentioned out of the country of the United States, right? Yes. Yes. Okay, cool. And that’s, it’s, that’s a wonderful resource. It really is. It’s a great resource and I would think that at the end of the day, you know, if some listeners are thinking, well, that’s another expense.

But if you are able to resolve your matter sooner in a way that is healthier and also able to speak with your lawyers and focus in and keep the emotion out in the long run, you’re saving money. Right? You are definitely saving money and, and even more important than that, doen, you are saving. Your soul.

Absolutely. What ends up happening, this stress, whatever you resist, persists or whatever you don’t express, gets suppressed, right? Yes. All of the physiological effects of divorce, if it is cantankerous or pro, you know, problematic for you is very unhealthy. And so absolutely. Learning how to compartmentalize the emotion, right, so that you really can focus on the business of divorce will only help you in the long run.

Absolutely, a hundred percent. When I’m, when I’m getting a client ready for mediation or trial, you know, and we’re still trying to settle the case, I asked them to put a value on their emotional. Um, state of mind, you know, in other words, if you’re going to continue to fight over X and the value of that is y, how much energy are you putting into that emotionally, physically that’s affecting you, that’s affecting your children, everything around you, right?

For sure. So I think there’s, you know, I’m like, I know it’s difficult for them to put a value on it, but I, like I say, Is it $10,000? Is it 50? Is it a hundred? You know, what is it worth to you? That’s right, that’s right. So let’s speak about change because you know, I, I’m a firm believer. I went through my own divorce.

You know, I feel like I’m a poster child of it in the sense that I get along very well with my ex, but it was hard work. Um, you know, but it is what it is, and we’re very good friends. But you know, when we speak about the divorce and what they go through, what, what our clients, our listeners go through, right?

And then taking all of that knowledge, the bad, the, you know, the good, the bad, the ugly. Mm-hmm. and now taking that and bringing it forward. I always say to create the life they want on purpose. You know, talking about change. So we, I wanted to talk to you about that, about what it looks like after divorce.

You know, the time to heal, to give yourself a break, to take some time, and then whatever that is for our, each person, how you start to rebuild your life, right? So the so how is change in your control? Right. So it’s an, it’s an excellent question and I wanna start out by saying to the listeners that individuals, no matter what they are going through, we’re, we’re talking about divorce today, but it could be bankruptcy, could be illness.

We always have two choices in any situation. And here are the two choices. These, this is your choice 0.1. , you’re a victim, or two, you’re a creator. Okay? And many of us, when we go through a challenging time, we feel victimized. It’s a normal reaction, and it’s okay. Mm-hmm. . And then at some point the intention.

Must develop. How can I move forward? Right? I don’t say, you know, I don’t, my clients used to say the, the baby steps. I say, no, we don’t use the word baby steps because babies have no control. We, I, I like to say, let’s take brave bites forward. What? Brave we love it bites. Can we, can we take forward? Okay. And you know, so many of us are comfortable in our comfort zone.

Right, and the reality is that no growth takes place in the comfort zone. Growth is on the outside. So we need to move through. We need to change in order to grow. Okay. Keeping in mind having that creator mindset. Okay. And so what I’d like to talk about and, and these are the things that I, half of my book, is about strategies, tips on how to move forward.

It’s fo it’s focused on divorce yet, like I said it before, it could be that you have, so absolutely use the three A’s framework because I like to create tools for my. That are very easy to remember that they can sort of have in their pocket. And as they develop awareness and they start understanding what their triggers are, um, that they can use very effectively and efficient efficiently.

So the three a’s of change are number one. Awareness. Okay. Yeah. Okay. When we are extremely overwhelmed, we tend to do a lot of blaming, a lot of sandbagging, a lot of deflecting. Mm-hmm. , what is me? . Yes. Right. And reality is, is that we hold some responsibility. Okay. Again, the gray rock, I don’t know if it’s 10% or 80.

It takes two to tango. Absolutely. So whether we enabled the behavior, we ignored the behavior, we played a part in wherever we are in this moment. And so absolutely developing an awareness and really taking the time to think about how you are responsible for where you are now, what, how, what did you add to it?

So, mm-hmm. , I’ll give you an example. I have a client and she, you know, she’s, she, she, every session she is very concerned about the way, the manner in which her husband speaks to her. She says he’s very understanding, you know, he has narcissistic tendency, behaviors, so on and so forth, and she feels that she doesn’t deserve it, and I understand she doesn’t deserve it, and yet, Yes, she is learning that she has enabled this behavior for as long as she can remember.

And when you enable behavior, you are part of the problem. Absolutely. Okay. And when you become aware of your enabling patterns, you can say, uh, I’m enabling, I’m enabling. And you develop this awareness. And once you develop the awareness, and we’ll stick with the enabling pattern of behavior because many of us find ourselves, you know, enabling certain types of behavior.

Oh, I, I’m guilty of that. I will, I will, uh, admit that , when you enable you also, you also. You don’t stay. You don’t have firm boundaries, right? Mm-hmm. . And the reality is people will treat you the way you allow them to. Correct? Correct. And if you allow them to treat you like yelling and being condescending, we need to work on boundary setting.

Okay. And so you did, and I’ve done, I’ve done an episode on boundaries. Yes. You know, talking about that. Very, very important. I’ve worked on that, that myself. So I’m one of those people that can fix everybody’s problem, you know? Right. One of those, so, oh, a rescuer. We can, I’m a rescuer. . Yeah. Yeah. I’ve, it’s taken, it’s taken me a long time to learn how to, to place those boundaries in place and not enable, because then they become codependent type of behaviors.

For sure, and I bet the first step with you learning and evolving was developing an awareness of your, of course, because, because you think, Jennifer, that you’re helping, right? You say, but I’m only helping this person and I’m only doing, but in the reality, you’re enabling them, right? And so you’re, and then you’re complaining.

The other end of the behavior when you are the one that permitted it. . Mm-hmm. . Right. And also it’s, it’s not always that you’re helping you, you think you’re helping, you are afraid. Sometimes fear is involved. Sometimes you know, it’s that you don’t like to argue, so you give in. Right. And then you pulled up a lot of resentment.

And so, you know, you have all of these primary emotions that when they’re not dealt with, that’s when anger sets in, right? Mm-hmm. And then that’s really very hard to move through. But once you can develop this, this awareness mm-hmm. . So let’s get back to the enabling. Sure. The second A in the three A’s framework is an acceptance.

Okay. Okay. Do you accept. That your behavior of enabling him to speak to you this way or your lack of boundaries? Mm-hmm. part has become part of the problem. My client is slowly starting to realize. And so she has this awareness and she’s developing an acceptance so that when these issues come up now, right, she can pause.

Okay. And the Here’s a formula that I live by that I teach all my clients. E plus R equals O. Yes, I saw that in your book. Yes. E is the event. So okay. Her soon to be X is yelling at her, being condescending. She has this awareness now that she’s been enabling and not setting her boundaries. Now the control is where she reacts and responds.

Okay, so she can take a step back and say, mm-hmm. , I hear that you’re really upset. Right? I hear that you’re really upset when you calm down. I’ll be happy to speak to you. That was, there’s your boundary. You, you set your boundary, and that is the third A, the action what? Right? You can take, so oftentimes it’s.

Being able to be proactive instead of reactive. There is, um, he’s a psychologist, a mediator, um, and an attorney. His name is Bill Eddie. Mm-hmm. . Are you familiar with a lot of I’ve heard the name Yes. Yes. Um, he has, I mean, I’ve read all of his books. They’re, they’re fabulous. Um, one of the things that he talks about are ear statements.

And when, say that again. What is it called? Ear statements. Ear, e a r. And when? Okay. You’re in conflict like this woman, and many of our clients find ourselves in conflict. How to decrease conflict is when you, you use these ear statements, they stand for empathy. Attention and respect. So when I gave the example of how she only has control of how she reacts and responds, right?

And her response was, I hear that you are very upset right now. Right? That is acknowledging the other person’s emotion and that through research inherently de de calms them down, right? So, Within that framework, the three A’s framework to move through change. There’s so many skills that divorce coaches can help individuals learn so that they have tools in their pocket to move through conflict, because conflict will come.

Yes. You know, that’s life. That’s life. Right? That’s life. So understanding. You can lean into conflict and have these tools so that you can communicate more effectively, so that you can empower yourself. You can take the time you need to respond and then choose how you’re going to act is very fulfilling and also physiologically.

Much healthier for you. Well, and here’s what I’m wondering because you know, I have clients as a lawyer that come back post-judgment after the final judgment after the divorce, and they’re not communicating well with their. Ex-husband, let’s just say. And like you said, maybe his tone of voice is being perceived received in a certain way, and the way in which they’re reacting is to yell back, get angry, you know, the constant back and forth, continued bickering that they’ve done probably throughout their marriage.

Now continuing post-marriage, post, you know, divorce. But I think what you’re suggesting that if you take that time out and you can realize to. I hear that you’re upset. I hear that you’re angry. I understand this is bothering you. Mm-hmm. It tends to diffuse the situation. I mean, how many people don’t even try this on for size, right?

Yes. I suggest that they try it. I’ll try something else that. I recently learned, and I found this fascinating cuz I, I I, I am very interested in how human beings communicate with each other to empower one another. That’s really fundamentally part of my practice. Okay, this is a very interesting, I’m gonna give you three parts to communication.

One is body language, two is words, and three is tone of voice, which is the most important. Okay, well I think we talked about this before, so I have a little insight, but it it would be the body language. Yes. 55%. So that means that you can use what I’m about to say as part of the three, A framework to move through change.

Develop an awareness of your body language when you’re in conflict, right? Do you cross your arms? Right? Do you, do your eyebrows go up? Do you feel physiologically that your, your, your blood is swishing? And if that’s the case, attempt to be more mindful of keeping your arms open and right. Set the intention of keeping your facial muscles more.

That also helps to decrease conflict, right? Mm-hmm. What’s the second p second most important? Um, what was, okay, so tell me. It’s like words or tone of voice. It would be the tone. That’s right. That’s 35%, right? So another thing to help you move through change when you’re creating this change in terms of conflict.

Are you aware. Of your tone of voice, right? Are you condescending? Mm-hmm. , are you, you emphasize certain words. Are you more regulated? Are you speaking softly or are you, mm-hmm. telling and just becoming more aware of that can help you diffuse conflict. And then the last, so when, yes. Go ahead. I’m sorry. The last No, no, the last are words and words, you know, I mean, that’s the last of, it’s a small percentage.

Well, just like you were saying, when you, when you recognize and you empathize, right? Your awareness, and now you have empathy and you say, I’m sure you could say you’re so angry all the time, or you could say, , but you seem so angry, you know? Yeah. The tone is so important right now. Most people that I’m finding post-judgment, they’re speaking by text message emails, so they don’t have the opportunity to see each other.

Mm-hmm. . Um, so then how do we deal with that? Do you have any suggestions on writing? Yes, I do. Um, I can talk to you about bif statements, um, and then I statements. So one of the things, even when you’re speaking face-to-face with someone, and by the way, part of. Effective communication if you are in front of someone, is to keep good eye contact, right?

We didn’t, we didn’t speak about that. But having good eye, eye contact is very important when you are, when it is a written form of communication, and even when it’s verbal, you want to use I statements, not you, you, you. I feel, ah.

Okay. You wanna avoid putting someone in the corner. You wanna, so you did this, you did that. You’re trying to avoid that. Right? Right. So I feel sad when you scream at me. Right. Or I feel concerned when, okay. Oh, using I statements are extremely effective. Mm-hmm. also, if statements also by Bill Eddie. Brief, informative, firm, and friendly.

So when my clients exchange written communication with their soon to be. , um, ex-spouses or partners and even when sometimes with their professionals to keep saying mm-hmm. very to the point. I teach them this skill, which is a Biff statement. It’s no more than five sentences. Okay? Short and sweet, and sweet, you.

We avoid all the adjectives and all the fluffy fluffiness of it, so it’s brief, for example. We’re dealing with after divorce. Let’s pick a co-parenting issue. Um, mark is the husband. He brings the child, Sarah, 30 minutes late from his time sharing. Right. Mom is fury, right? And so she. You know, she wants to text him.

She’s revved up . She’s revved up and she is on the attack. Yeah. And she is not being proactive. She’s being reactive. Okay. So she sends me the text that she sent and we can, and here’s the thing. We can only do better, right? We can’t, if we, if we make a mistake, there are messages in every. And we are constantly evolving.

So if a client were to come to me with this text, which many of them have, sure. We talk about how this could be more effective. We, we don’t, uh, in my practice, I look forward, I look for opportunities to teach, opportunities to learn from mistakes and move on. Yes. And grow. Yes. And grow. So they can see that this wasn’t the, probably the, she could see this wasn’t the most effective test because imagine she was, you know, threatening and so on and so forth.

Mm-hmm. . So a Biff statement would be, you always wanna start out in a positive, and you always wanna start out by using the person’s name, even in a. Mark. Really? Yes. Okay. That already humanizes it, right? That’s right, yes. So Mark, ah,

I, I hope you’re having a good day. Mm-hmm. , some type of, um, nice city. Yes. You know, so, and then you go with your eye statement, I feel. Frustrated when you bring, I forget what I said, Sarah. I think Sarah, yeah. Sarah. 30 minutes late without giving me a call. Right? I would really appreciate it. If you’re gonna be late.

You give me notice and then you end it. So it’s brief, informative. We, we know what we’re talking about. It’s firm, right? And you end on a friendly note. This is really important to me and I will be sure to give you the same consideration. Ah, making it mutual. Yes. And then you, you, you. , you say thank you, or, um, I hope you’ll consider this right, your name.

Okay. And so, you know, as I’m, as I’m listening to you, Jennifer, I’m thinking to myself, I could use a lot of your advice just with my current husband, Yes. The way in which you communicate with people. Right? Right. And, and that’s why, you know, when I do marital mediation, believe it or not, I will tell you that.

At the end of the day, even if divorce is the choice Yes. How they go into the divorce because Right. Marital mediation is about same, similar to coaching where you are. And that is that your marriage is in trouble, but you wanna put divorce on the bookshelf. How can you create a plan? We usually work for about six months to move forward, and a lot of what you learn is conflict resolution skills, communication skills, love language.

you know? Yes. Do people know what their love language are? Do people know what their attachment styles are? Do people know what’s involved in intimacy other than physical intimacy and how do you create it? Um, so a lot of the things that we talk about, even in the should I, shouldn’t I stage all the way through post divorce are similar Because if it’s not divorce, it’s something else.

It’s something else like you said. That’s, you know, the, the love language. I, you know, I have three girls who are in their twenties and a stepson who’s in this twentie love language is a, is something they, per whatever reason and wherever get, they seem to know about love language. Mm-hmm. I don’t know if it’s on social media, but my, one of my daughters says, mom, what’s your love language?

And I was like, what? So what does that mean? What is love language? So it’s, it’s, it’s a great question. And by the way, for your listeners, and even for you, you can go online. Yes. And you can take a love language quiz. Huh? It takes five minutes, literally. Oh, how cool. And particularly for my marital mediation clients, I always recommend it because you learn so much about each other.

So it’s about, Two things. Mm-hmm. , it’s about, it’s about learning about what fills your love tank. Meaning what is your love language? So for example, my love language is words of affirmation. Mm-hmm. , I like when people acknowledge me. Okay. My partners. Is, um, physical touch. Okay? Okay. And here’s the great thing about the love language quiz.

There are five love languages. Okay? You can be you, your part, you and your partner can be completely opposite, okay? And it doesn’t matter because what matters is, you know, your own love language. So you can fill your own love tank and you know, your partner’s love language. So for example, I know that his is physical touch, so I make sure that, you know, I set the intention of mm-hmm.

holding his hand or stroking his head. Mm-hmm. making sure that I’m, because. What ends up happening when we’re not aware of love language is we make a series of assumptions, right? Mm-hmm. Making often what we like, but that doesn’t mean the other person that, that it’s important to the other person. Right.

And then we get upset when they don’t recognize that we’re, yes, we’re trying yes. That that’s not what is, that’s not what resonates with. Yes. Yes. Oh, they should require this before everybody gets married or anybody gets into a relationship . Same with co-parenting. Yes. Yes. And so, you know, . Even if you don’t know what it is, you have an opportunity to learn it.

Right. Today is a new day. You know, Eckert totally speaks about the nowness of, and you know, what I find in my practice is so many conflicts stem from assumptions. Right. And if anybody’s read the four agreements, one of the mm-hmm. don’t make assumptions. Right, right. True. And we don’t, but we don’t stop long.

To even question whether we’re assuming something. Mm-hmm. , we just take it fact. Exactly right. And so part of my practice is, is really helping people. Self-evaluate and develop self-compassion, right? Yes. Which we, we, we tend to neglect ourselves. Oh, for sure. Which goes into my next thing cuz I wanted to get into how you have this other Ackerman called lean, l e a n.

So how can the listeners lean into uncertainty? To build a more fulfilling life. Okay. Right? Yes. Great question because I love this one. You know, I love building a better life of, uh, you know, having that direction and really going for it. Right? You know, we all feel most comfortable when things are certain, right?

Mm-hmm. . However, what we don’t really realize is everything is un. , right. My father used to say everything is uncertain except for death and taxes. . Okay. I know, right? . And you know, it’s true. It’s true, it’s true. And yet, you know, we all wanna control, you know, we all wanna control how our lives are gonna play out, how, how things are going, um, how our children turn out, so on and yes, so forth And, When that happens, it’s extremely detrimental.

So I have a real issue when people say, oh, just let it go. Let it go. I don’t think that, I think that letting go is a setup. Okay. So leaning in to a situation, understanding that certain things are what they are. If like the divorce Exactly right. It divorce is the answer. And let’s say you don’t want the divorce.

Correct? Right. But it is happening. Mm-hmm. . The more you resist, like I said before, the more the issues will persist. So learning to lean in, stop the blaming figure. What you want moving forward, how you can move through a situation in a more healthier way, both mentally and physically is really important.

So the first element of lean is let it be. Let it be. Sounds like a song. . And you know, it’s interesting, we are called human beings. Yes. Not human doers. So how do we like a read? You know, it blows in the wind, right? Mm-hmm. , how can we let things be, you know, a read is still. Subject to rain and thunder and, and sun.

And walls and sun. Yes. Right. And so how do we move through this in the healthiest way possible. Okay. By letting it be okay. Mm-hmm. , the E is in power. Okay. And I think we spoke about this. What are the first two of empower when you turn them around? What is. . M e, which is what? Me, m e What word is that? E M E.

No, m e Me. Me. Power. Oh, okay. I’m sorry. So turning it around, m e me, right? Okay. Power Empower is me. How do you. Power within yourself? What fuels you? What do you give yourself? Quiet moments, do you? Do you create times of gratitude? Mm-hmm. , I often, mm-hmm. , yes to my clients. Have you ever heard of the GLAD technique?

No. Oh, it’s a great technique to use, um, when you’re brushing your teeth at night because when you’re brushing your teeth, you tend to spiral either forwards or backwards, okay? Mm-hmm. . So I said you either forecast or rehash. Right, right, right. So the GLAD principle is a, an effective way to, to end your day so that you go to sleep on a more positive note.

G stands for gratitude. One thing you’re grateful for, L stands for one thing that you learn that day, and we all learn things. It doesn’t have to be a monumental thing. You, no, be small, your breath for 30 seconds or. A is something you acknowledge about yourself, because here’s the thing, we don’t take the time, the majority of us right, to acknowledge and encourage and champion our own authenticity.

Absolutely. Especially after divorce, right? Yes, yes. And that this is when this Vlad technique is so, Helpful. And the last part, the last one is D, what you’re determined to accomplish tomorrow. Again, it doesn’t have to be monumental. It could be when my alarm goes off, I’m going to put my feet on the floor and get it up right.

Right, right. And it can be a small thing. Doesn’t have to. Cause I think a lot of people overthink and they think it has to be this amazing thing when it can be something simple. That’s right. Small little baby steps. Right. No baby steps. Brave back. Oh, that’s right. No baby. I’m not allowed to say that. Well, you can.

It’s a disempowering, it doesn’t make sense because it’s like a toddler. I always say it’s like a toddler with a, with scissors. You know? It’s like when you act that way, you know . Right. You’re, you’re, you’re crazy. You know? And so you. Think about the words you use to help empower you, because words can be either be empowering or disempowering.

You know, when clients meet my office, they say, oh, I’m gonna, I’m gonna try to do X, Y, Z. I’m gonna try to use the ear statement this week. And I say, no. How do you reframe the word? Try. I commit I, I know Jen. I’m gonna commit to using the ear statements, right? Use words that help propel you forward, that give you strength.

Right. Right. And so, and then the last I know I went off, so let it be right for going back to leave the second the A is accept. And when I say accept, I don’t mean that you approve of the situation, okay? I just mean that you’re giving yourself some time to realize it is what it is. How do I move forward?

How do I bridge the gap between where I am now and where I want to be? And oftentimes that comes through giving yourself time to be quiet, going on long walks, right? Mm-hmm. giving yourself that’s so nice to just be, and the answers will come. I, I always say, you know, your inner whispers. Are so important.

If you quiet yourself long enough, and it doesn’t have to be a 20 minute meditation, it could be just one solid breath in and one out, and give yourself just time to just listen to what your inner whispers have to say because they will never deceive you. True, true. Ugh, that’s such amazing stuff. Now let me just say one last thing.

Cause the last, yeah, yeah. No, the last one is, no, please Nourish. Nourish. Okay. How do you nourish yourself? Do you exercise right? Do you eat properly? Are you sleeping effectively and efficiently? And all of those things. Those things really, you know. To get you to lean into uncertainty in the most strong and Vero way possible.

Hmm. So true. You know, taking that that time for yourself and being able to do that is so amazing. How do the listeners find you? There’s so much amazing stuff in your book. And, and a lot of what you’ve discussed here is in there, right? Yes. Everything that I discussed here is in there. So my book Strategies and Tips from a Divorce coach, a roadmap to move forward is available on Amazon and also Barnes and Noble.

And I have an extensive website seeking empowerment.com, where you could find a lot of information, a lot of resources, a lot of suggestions on how to move forward. And, um, they can always reach me on all the social handles at gens seeking empowerment. Well, listen, it ha, I I can speak, I could speak with you for hours, right?

Yeah, I, I know I wanna have you back. I, I encourage my listeners to reach out to you to read your book. I am gonna read it myself. I started to read various chapters to get ready for today. Thoroughly enjoy it definitely plays into every, or is, is, you know, it’s interesting as a life coach, we all talk in different.

You know, the, the way in which we teach it, but it really just boils down to some really fundamental principles. But the way in which you, you do this, the way in which I see it in your book, it’s, it’s so simple. It’s, and remembering, like you said, putting them into easy. Um, ments that you could just remember.

Yeah. And especially when you need the most, you know, put it on a post-it, put it where you can see it, when you’re gonna shoot back that text message. Listen to what Jennifer said. You know, , when you’re gonna have that conversation with your ex or with your soon-to-be ex and you’re all fired up. Taking that time to reflect and really think about what you talked to us today.

Amazing, amazing stuff. I really, really appreciate. No so much for you being here. Thank you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity, and I, I really hope that your listeners take away some golden nuggets to help them move forward and I know that they can. I know they can too. They can absolutely do it a hundred percent.

They can be stronger and learn from their divorce. That’s why I called the podcast, which is a kind of, you know, interesting name, your amazing divorce. Not because divorce is amazing. Divorce is not amazing. It’s not a fun time. We all know that. But what you can learn and how you can grow from it and how you be, can become this version of yourself that’s so much better.

Mm. Um, that’s why I call it amazing. And you know what, you’re right. Most people. . You know, when you look back and I look at clients that have been in such a horrible place emotionally, but I see them a year later, two years later, six months later, and they’re, I can just tell by their face. Yeah. And their facial expressions, right?

Mm-hmm. , they get past it, they get onto, they get on with their life and they do so much better. So I thank you. No, thank you so much. Thank you for all that you do in the divorce. You do important. Thank you. Thank you. I love giving back. You know, I think it’s something that’s really needed what we do. Hmm.

So anyhow, all right, everybody, listen, have an amazing day. I hope you reach out to Jennifer, buy her book. Um, go on her website. There’s so much free material right there, you know. But, uh, please do what you need to do. Um, there’s some great advice in this episode today, and you. You do deserve an amazing life, and you’ll get there.

All right, my friends, have an amazing life today, tomorrow, and on. And listen. Love yourself, love others around you, and be kind. Until next week. I’ll speak to you then. Bye, Jennifer. Bye.

You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at l a d dash. Dot com. That’s L a D as in life after divorce coaching.com.

Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.

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