Hey, my beautiful friends, and how are you doing? Hope you’re having a good day. Let’s make it an amazing, amazing. . So today I have a very special person who we’re gonna talk to. His name is Jeff Wilson. He’s my husband. We have some news, we have some great news about future plans for coaching. We’re gonna talk to you about the model, what it means and how you can use it, and, uh, some really exciting things that we’ve got going on.
So, Let’s get started.
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you. And desire as partners, both in marriage and coaching. We use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.
All right, everybody. Hope you’re having a great beginning of the day. So I wanna talk to you about what’s going on. As you know, um, mostly I’m practicing law right now and I’m also doing some individual coaching, but on a very select basis. But we’ve got big plans for the future and big plans for you. Now, if you’re listening to this episode, And the plans already happened, just go all the way to the end because that’ll tell you how to find us.
But for now, um, we’re gonna get started. So I have my husband, Jeff Wil Wilson. Whoops. I had a problem saying that, . That’s okay. Why did that happen? I don’t know. I’m not enough coffee yet tomorrow, this morning Anyhow, so, and we’re kind of, we’re kind of doing this on a Saturday. Uh, we usually record beforehand, and then as, as you know, the episode drops on Monday, so it’s Saturday morning.
So give us a little break. No, just kidding. Anyhow, so listen, um, what’s going on with you? Well, I’m, I’m very excited to, to share the news with everybody that, uh, I’ve decided to become a life coach. Ooh. And certified life coach. And, uh, you know, it’s always been in my blood to, to love to help people. Uh, you know, I’m a martial artist.
I’ve been, uh, teaching martial arts for over 20 years. . And I think the most important thing about me teaching martial arts was teaching the lifestyle that came with the martial arts. And that’s why I even called the school lifestyle martial arts, you know, teaching the, uh, intrinsic stuff, the goal setting, the, the, the positive attitude, the, uh, discipline of it all.
And, uh, when I listened to you coach and, uh, went to the, uh, The, uh, Brooke Castillo seminar in Austin, Texas got very, very motivated and very excited about, uh, everybody. Uh, everybody’s excitement about helping each other, right? And uh, and you know, life coaching is just something that’s a lot of people don’t understand.
But, um, hopefully we helped to clarify it. Um, but I wanna talk, so I know you’re in the coaching school now, right? Yes. You’re becoming a certified coach through the life coach school? Yes. And that’s the same school that I went to. I’m trying to think, I think it was 2018 when I graduated. If it’s 2019, I apologize, but I’m one of those people that’s not great with dates, but it’s been a.
And, um, so I know you’re doing, you’re in the middle of coaching, getting certified. I remember when I was studying, and I’m telling you there, look, life coaching isn’t one of those practices like being a lawyer or being a therapist, a mental health profession where you have to go to school and then you take a test.
And you have a license. I mean, I wanna be very upfront with that. Being a life coach doesn’t require a certification. Right. Um, however, when you go through Brooks program and the Life Coach School, I just think it’s the best program out there. So we went to Austin Test Texas. It was amazing. How many people do you think win that convention?
Uh, I would say at least five. Really? Yeah. I’m trying to think. I know it was, it was amazing. And it was done, as I say, first class, it was all about, it was for coaches, so it was a seminar for coaches, basically like a mastermind, trying to bring everybody together, talking about the. Principles of coaching and the success stories.
It was amazing. Everybody in all ages of coaches, you know, coaches from looking, you know, like our child’s children’s ages, like in their early twenties or so, and then coaches in their seventies. And eighties. Um, but the success stories, the stories that people got on this, on, up, on the, on the stage there and talked about how much they were earning and there were some very big earners, people making over 10 million a year in coaching.
Of course, Brooke, um, you know, is quick to tell everybody she’s bringing in 60 million in coaching, and I don’t say that to talk about the money. I ta say it to. Such a need for what we do. Right. And the success stories that I’m talking about is the people that have changed their life through coaching.
Right. So you’re still doing real estate though, right? Yes. I’m still doing my, uh, my real estate. And I, I enjoy that very, very much. Um, however, I see a, I see a segue coming, uh, in the near future, uh, because I love, uh, not only coach, , but I also believe that, uh, there’s a limited amount of time of real estate I can do
Right, right. And you know, so our plan, so that you guys know, is that we’re gonna continue, I’m gonna continue to do these episodes and bring you the podcast, but Jeff and I have made a decision that we are gonna really getting. Get into a program. So right now we’re doing one-on-one coaching and we wanna open the door up and do more of that.
We’re gonna do some coaching together When he becomes a certified, or cer, I guess it’s certified through the Life Coach school, right? Certified, yes. Yeah. We’re gonna do some coaching, so you’re gonna get the best of both of us. But then our, our hope is what in the. Not our hope, we’re gonna make it happen.
Right. We make it happen because we, we know how to coach ourselves. Yeah. Just like this year we started off with the just do it. Right. That was kind of our thing that we were saying. Yeah. So, uh, we’re gonna do it. We’re going to, we’re gonna join forces and, uh, become. You know, coaches together and we’re gonna have a program that we can offer to people outside of one-on-one coaching.
Absolutely. That’s going to be affordable. We’re gonna bring subjects every month to you. We’re gonna continue to do our podcast. We’re gonna do some live coaching. Um, it’s gonna be amazing, but I need you. I need you to help me to do this because I’m still practicing law, as you know, and I’m making a transition.
But this is our future plan together. Well, that was so nice of you to say, you need me , . Well, I do. I mean, I’d always express that in the kindness of ways, but Well, you know, but, uh, it, it’s, it’s great. I, I think we need each other. Yes. And I think, uh, combining together is, uh, going to, uh, quite a force that we’re gonna be joining.
Yeah. So let’s talk a little bit, you know, we’re already into the podcast episode, but I wanna, you know, some people don’t know our history. Now, in my episodes from the first episode on, there are times that I talk about you, of course, because I bring my life experiences, meaning the girls, my stepson, you, my business, uh, examples of what’s going on with some of my, you know, divorce clients and my coaching clients.
But, I wanna talk a little bit about us, right? So we’re both divorced. Yes. And we were both married for about the same time. About 10 years. Yeah. Yeah. And then we both got divorced. Very, very different divorces, right? Very different divorces, very different marriages. Now, we didn’t know each other back then, so when we say we’re, they were very different.
It’s not from actual experience. Like I didn’t know you when you were married to Vivian. No. Um, and you didn’t know me when I was married to Sam, but we’ve of course, Talked about all that. And in my marriage, um, first of all, I married somebody that I went to law school with and um, the clock was a bit ticking, I’m gonna be honest.
But Sam was a great guy and we decided to get married and we had three beautiful girls together. He has a very close family. Um, I come from a single mom and my parents were divorced. So I have the experience of being divorced, being a divorced child, child. Of divorce when I was five and never saw my father again.
Sam, on the other hand, had this very intact family. So we get married, we start our life together and it just, it just was off for me. Like something was just off and we made a decision. We did try to, to get through, you know, we went to therapy and, cause we had the three girls and everything, but it didn’t work.
we decided it was best to part ways. To make a long story short, our divorce had some hips. It wasn’t pleasant because I don’t think there’s any divorce that’s really pleasant, you know, on. . There’s worse and there’s better, but there’s not pleasant. So we went through the divorce, but we made a pack that we were going to, the girls are gonna be the priority and that we were gonna put our differences or dislike for each other, problems aside, and really focus in on them.
And I think we did a great job. And he’s been a very good friend to both of us. Yeah. Throughout the years. And we’ve been married going on, what, 13 years now? Yes. So he’s been part of our life. . Yes, he has. And how would you explain that, that co-parenting relationship and everything? Well, um, first let me go back to my divorce and my marriage.
I mean, when I, uh, since we’re being honest, uh, you know, of course I got married for different reasons. I got married because, uh, we got pregnant and I thought it was the right thing to do. Uh, not the best, uh, way to get married or, or the best reason to get married, I should say. But, uh, I thought I was doing the right.
So of course after a while I knew that it wasn’t a good thing and I had to get out of it. And I, the reason I stayed married for 10 years is cuz I wanted to make sure that Spencer was able to speak to me and let me know what was going on when I wasn’t there. Mm-hmm. . So, uh, yeah. And I know there were issues and concerns.
Yeah. Lots of issues, lots of concern. Uh, I was raised by a single parent and without a father, and I, I realized that I wanted to be different. And so I realized I didn’t want to be in this kind of a marriage. I wanted to be in a different kind of lifestyle. So, uh, you know, the, my divorce was a whirlwind.
It was, it was crazy, uh, but, uh, almost entertaining to a. . No. You went to trial, didn’t you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She represented herself. Okay. And, uh, we all, you all, I’m sure your lawyers have sayings about when they represent themselves. Well, we’re not gonna do that , but, um, it was, it was quite entertaining. The judge made it d almost comical.
Well, but divorce in itself isn’t comical. I think that was probably some of the ways that you were handling it, coping with it, probably, yeah. But at the end, the bottom line is that I was able to have a marriage and a. And a co-parent in Sam that worked together and is still, is still today a friend of ours in yours.
And, and I think we together parented and, and raised. , I’m gonna say, well-adjusted children. Yes. As as best as we could. Okay. There’s no perfect for you parents out there, so please give yourself a break. But Sam and I and Jeff, because it was really like a village, we all worked together to raise the children.
Now with Spencer and your ex, it was different Like it was after the divorce. It was, it was such a struggle. It was, for me, it was so painful because I wish. , and I was hoping that you guys could co-parent, and there was just, it was really, it seemed, you, you, you gave it an Amer, I mean, a great American try too.
I mean, you tried to bring us together with dinners and co uh, talking and, and you realized it wasn’t gonna work out. Uh, and to this day, . I still don’t know where she lives. I haven’t spoke. We don’t speak. Uh, Spencer speaks to her rarely. Um, so, you know, it’s totally different situations that we’re in. Yeah.
And I think of a lot of the circumstances, um, well, I’ll be careful how I use that, that word, because in our coaching circumstance is a fact, but things happened. Perceptions and thoughts were made with your co-parenting with her That Spencer was really in the middle. I mean, he had. . He had a rough time.
You know, looking at it from a stepmom’s perspective and from a lawyer’s perspective and from a coach perspective, I, I, you know, it was hard. It was hard. And I was kind of restricted as a stepparent because I could only do so much. Right. And I didn’t. And, and when you co-parent your ex and you are supposed to make major decisions, and that was so.
I saw never really happened. So he was kind of in limbo. Let’s just take the example of, of sports. You know, you wanted him to be in football, but she didn’t, but she did. And so there was no combined effort there. And as a result, what happened on his days? Well, on his days, he might get to practice, he might get to the game, and that’s not the way a team.
You know? Right. So just so much going on. Right. But we’ve gotten past it. Yeah. And I believe that, uh, you and Sam and the girls played a major part in, uh, helping Spencer be more, a little bit more adjusted. And to this day, I mean, he lives closest to us, so I see him more than, we see him more than the others because they’re, you know, out of the state college, can’t get him to.
Can’t get no . I’m kidding. I love me some Spencer Spencer’s amazing. Anyhow, but we went through Love you too. We went through lots of challenges. Yes. So the point being that we both have histories of being with single parents. We both have histories of divorce. Very different. Mm-hmm. , you have been through with me for 13 years, so you’ve been from.
Of being a stepparent and still involved to this day, even though the kids are over the age of 18, you’re constantly helping them out. We have an issue right now with Megan’s car. She was in a car accident. Thank God she’s okay, and the other person’s okay, but you’re helping. And you are taking over, like you’re the one that’s handling it for us.
I love them and Sam and I appreciate it. I love them like they’re my own. Well, of course they are. So we bring a big perspective, but we wanna share this with the world, right? We wanna share what we’re learning as coaches with our history also of what we’ve, how we’ve applied it. , what we can bring, you know, from my experience as a divorce attorney to those who are suffering through divorce, right?
Mm-hmm. . So is that, that’s the goal, right? That’s the goal. I mean, everybody tells me I must be, must have been very brave to marry a divorce attorney. And I always, I’ve always said, well, who knows how to keep a marriage together or get past a marriage better than a divorce? Yeah, that’s true. All right, so you are in the middle of co, I think you’re towards the tail end.
When do you graduate? When is our graduation? Well, the official ending is October 2nd. Okay. And the certification day is October 17th. All right. I’m sure you’re gonna pass with flying cover colors. Yes. That’s intense. The, uh, test they give you. It is, it is. So you’ll see. But, uh, in the meantime, we’ve got a website that’s going up, right?
Website’s going up. And, uh, the program, the program is being developed right after, what is it? Life After Divorce coaching, life After Divorce Coaching. That’s the name. So look for it and we’ll give you some more insight on it. But today I wanted to talk about the. Because I always want to bring something to our listeners, right?
Mm-hmm. , because you’re in the middle of learning about it. You’re learning it at the fundamental stage of what it, what our coaching is all about. So I’m gonna put you on the spot, , kind of ask you what is, what is the model? Well, The model is, is a, uh, it’s a daily tool that we use on ourselves to get to the root of the, of the issues.
Okay. Um, there’s five components and they all kind of, uh, intertwine with each other and as one component changes, so do the effects of the other components, right? So once you understand each component, you can clearly identify the issue. and decide what direction you want to go into in your life. Okay, so that sounds great, but what does it mean to someone that we are coaching?
Like how do we, I want you to explain to our listeners, and I’ll do it too, what we, how we start with someone. So someone is just getting past divorce and we focus really on, I like to focus. clientele based on people post divorce after the divorce. Mm-hmm. . And you know, when you’re doing, when you’re in business and you’re in marketing and you’re creating a business right.
They tell you to narrow down your niche, right? To narrow it down, to really try to serve those people in a very narrow group so then you can bring more experience and expertise. And the reason that I wanted to do coaching for people after divorce is because I know as a divorce attorney what they’re, and going through my own divorce, what they’re going through during the divorce.
You are on survival mode mostly. You really are. You, things are in shamble, right? You’ve. , you’ve got, you know, people moving in and out of houses. You’ve got kids under new visitation schedules. You might be selling a house, you might be changing careers. You’re trying to figure out the money. There’s a lot.
You got lawyers that are asking you questions and hearing dates and depositions. There’s a lot going on. So I think that people, while coaching would be amazing for them at that point, I don’t know that they’re ready for it, really. I really don’t because I think. And I think some are, and we’re certainly open to coaching people through divorce.
In fact, It would be amazing because I think we can get you through the process a lot healthier, with a lot less money and aggravation because I think if we can coach you and get you to understand the thoughts in your mind, you’ll be able to settle your case a lot faster. But I just don’t know if people are ready for that at that stage.
So we really focus on people after the divorce, right? Yes. And, and uh, the actual model itself is really called a self-coaching. Right. So I agree with you because if they’re not in a position to be able to, to coach themselves, uh, then may not be ready for it. Well, and what I wanna say to the listeners is, look, don’t beat yourself up.
If you are in the middle of divorce, you are in that mode where you just have to get up every day. Try to do some work on coaching and if you listen to our episodes, you’re gonna give out so much information there. Just apply some of those things. I always think using your brain on that level and trying to work on your own self-coaching is really important.
But get through the divorce, you know, and then don’t beat yourself up. You will get through. You will survive. . It is just a feeling. It might be sadness, anger, confusion, whatever it is, but you will get there and your life will get better. And I know that because I know it because I’ve lived it. My husband has lived it.
We are an example of that. We meant and got married in four months. I w I’m not saying do that, but. things happen. I would’ve never thought that when I was getting divorced that I would meet the love of my life and that, you know, we would be 13 years married, mostly happy. Oh, I think I just got a cavity.
So sweet. And I say mostly happy because no marriage is perfect. Oh, well thank you. The model . All right, so let’s talk about the model. What are the components of the model? Well, there there’s five categories. All right, let’s. Slow. Okay. First thing is circumstances. Uh, the next is thoughts. Then you have feelings, actions, and then results.
and kind of the, the, uh, overall, the way you look at it is the circumstance, as you said, is a fact. Uh, that can trigger your thoughts, right? So, so let, can we bring in an example in, uh, well, on each one, or you wanna wait? Well, let’s wait. Okay. So they can understand how the model works. Okay. So your circumstance can trigger your thoughts.
Your thoughts are gonna trigger feeling. from those feelings, you’re gonna have either an action or an inaction, right? Like buffering, buffering, uh, or just, and when, of course, zoning out, buffering is inaction. But when you buffer, usually there’s something that’s not getting done. That would be the inaction, right?
Right. And, and then from that obviously is gonna create results in your life. Or no results. Or no results. The lack of ’em, right? Which a lack of results is still a result. That’s true. . So I think, I think now let’s, let’s break it down a little bit. Okay. And see, uh, so we can explain how each of these, uh, work.
Okay. So the first thing is a circumstance. Right? Right. And, and I’m gonna just peel it down the way I know it. So, a circumstance, as a matter of, it’s a matter of fact, a circumstance is something that anyone in the world would perceive, see, exact perceive, that’s the wrong word, would see it as, Exactly the same.
Um, the Brooke likes to say it’s something that could be proved in a court of law. Okay. I don’t like to use that example because as a lawyer, I know there’s gray in the, in the court of law, and I don’t wanna get into that. So I, it’s not really true that, I mean, with respectfully to Brooke, but for example, let’s say that there’s a, there I’m gonna take something so simple.
There’s a car and the car is. Okay. And, and unless you’re colorblind, the car is red. Like it’s, it’s, that’s what the color is. That’s what it says. That’s what the paint said. It’s red. Right. That’s a fact. Right. Okay. So when you’re looking at a circumstance, it’s really something that has happened For our divorce listeners, it might be your husband asked you for, That’s a fact.
That’s a fact. Because the words are, the words I want a divorce are words that are factual in the sense that they were said, not your interpretation about them. Yes. Um, and the other thing is that’s very important with the model and circumstances that they are, the circumstance is totally out of your control.
That’s true. Because it is a fact. You have no control over it. Right. Right. . All right. And, and I kind of, I hesitate cause I’m thinking are there circumstances that, well, I like what happens if somebody is the person who files for the divorce. They had control over it, they filed the divorce. Right? But the result of finding out that your spouse filed a divorce, that’s a fact, right?
And I’m the one who’s probably really gonna have the thoughts. Mm-hmm. , which is the next section of the model about her filing a divorce. Right. But I’m saying like a circumstance, you could be the one creating it. If you’re the person who actually filed the divorce, you could be creating that circumstance.
Yeah. Okay. Well there’s somebody that painted the car red too. True, true. Oh, that’s a good thought. Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, there are circumstances come from some. Right, but they, but I think the main thing that we have to remember is they’re fact, and one thing that’s gonna help you get through the model is that they are.
out of your control. Okay. And I want you, I, I think it’s important that the listeners know that when you are actually applying work within the model, when you’re using the model, which was we’re gonna talk about at the end, okay? But, and we’re gonna circle back. You don’t have to start at the top, right?
Like, circumstance creates a thought, creates a feeling. Creates an action or inaction and a result. Correct. But when you’re working through this, you can sometimes work with your thought first. What is my thought? What am I thinking? And then you can work backwards. Like work up or down the model. Oh yeah.
You can easily start with, I don’t like feeling this way. Right. And take it from there. Well, what kind of thoughts are you having that make you feel this way? Right? So you can start anywhere you want in the model. But it’s important to understand this circumstance. You know what’s interesting though is I’m sitting here thinking about the model and I thought that this would be great for us to talk about cuz you are learning it.
I love learning more, as much as I can about it. So I’m taking the opportunity to hear what you have to say. But is that most people in life just go through life feeling. , right? You just said, I feel bad. And, and then so your feeling is, let’s just say sadness, right? And you feel sad, but most people just wake up in the morning, feel sad, and they don’t think about why they feel sad.
and this model, this self-coaching model gives them the opportunity to really dig into their thoughts and their results and to change their thoughts with thoughts that they can believe so they can, in essence, change their results. Yeah, and I, I think maybe we should explain the rest of the model before you get there, because that’s the beauty of the whole entire model theory is that you.
and only you can control your thoughts. Right? So true. You, you’re accountable. You’re, you, you have total control of the results that you want in your life. That’s the amazing part. And they, and they call that, and I think I might have done an episode on this if I didn’t, I will. Um, emotional adulthood.
Mm-hmm. owning. Especially after divorce, because after divorce, there’s a lot of game. There’s a lot of blaming going on. If he didn’t do that, if the judge would’ve done this, if my kids, and you have to own it because the only way you can make change in your life is to own the results you have as being something that you have control.
and that you ha then have the power. That’s a good thing, right? Even though you may not like where you are and the results you’re given, getting, the best thing is when you apply the model. And yes, we’re gonna go through it right now. Now you have the ability to change your results in your life. You have all that power.
That’s the beauty. All right, so what’s the next thing? Well, so we got circumstance. It’s basically a. Every circumstance is gonna create some kind of thought in your mind. Right. Okay. And it, it may be a, a good one, it may be a bad one, but it is. You have to own it. Okay. So your thoughts lead to your feelings.
So I, I know that we talked about this, so a thought like, I’m not good enough. Okay. I’m not good enough. Right. . So that’s a thought. You know, a lot of times people don’t understand that what they’re really thinking, they don’t sit down and, and take the time to understand it. Yeah. Yeah. It could be, my husband doesn’t appreciate what I do around the house.
Okay. You know, so there there’s a lot of thoughts that could, and there’s could be positive thoughts too. Well, and the root cause of any problem is always, Are thinking about it. Exactly. Right. So what else do we need to know about the thought part of it? Well, our thoughts directly create, uh, the results right, that we have in our lives.
Uh, but the thoughts lead to unwanted results. The client can currently change their thoughts and directly change the results that they have. . So that’s the beauty of the whole, uh, model, because what happens is your thoughts are gonna lead to some kind of feelings. That’s the next step in the model is feelings, right?
And, and I like to explain those and so does Brooke as an emotional vibration in your body. And I know that might sound a little woo-hoo , right? But really think about it. How many times are you feeling pretty. , right? You’re just feeling off. Mm-hmm. , but you don’t even know what the feeling is. So one of the things that we do with our client is we make them identify the feeling.
Like, you have to, you have to understand are you feeling anger, are you feeling sadness? Are you feeling confused? You, and, and we, we dig on that when we work with a client on the model and applying this, it’s not like it all comes together in one day. This is, this is a process that takes time Right. To, to work on.
Right. The, the thing is identify. that the beauty of understanding it so that then you can work on it. But the feelings, so feelings are coming from a thought, but the feeling is something that’s in your body, right? And people will experience a feeling differently. For example, when I feel stress or I feel anger, I feel it.
Like in my. . So I feel it’s time to leave the house. probably a good idea. probably a good idea. Right? But anyhow, so, but a lot of people confuse feelings that, uh, with, uh, physical feelings like, uh, hunger or, you know, they get, you know, a little bit more, not, not sick and tired or whatever like that, but, you know, they’re not physical.
It’s emotional vibrations in your body. And when I said I don’t feel anything vibrating, uh, I, I misunderstood when. Yes. When you do get angry, you do feel a vibration in your body. Well, you know, we have some examples here and I’m just looking through them. Um, it says we often think that our feelings come from our circumstances.
We say things like, my husband didn’t take out the trash. Right. That’s the circumstance. Let’s, he didn’t take it out, so I’m feeling angry. Right, right, right. Or we say, my best friend is in town. That’s the circumstance. So I’m excited. Mm-hmm. right. So it’s important that we, we identify the feeling part of it.
Yeah. And the truth is, our feelings come from our thoughts. Uh, you know, so we, we have over, I think it’s like 40,000 thoughts per day. Yeah. You know, if, if you go on the Google, yeah. I do this. Um, when I’m trying to identify what I’m feeling or working with a client, there’s a list. That I keep on keeping my computer.
But anyhow, that has all the feelings you can imagine, right? And we just kind of start going through it, and I’ll say to my client, okay, here we go. What are we feeling? And I just start, oh, that one resonates. Right? Yeah. And, and, and to keep with your example, uh, about taking out the trash, it’s not. Your husband did not get you angry because he didn’t take out the trash.
It’s the thoughts that you have about that now. He didn’t do it. I have to do it. I don’t want to do it. The trash stinks. I’m always asking him to do it. Yeah, so it’s those thoughts. Hint, hint, hints, hint. It’s, well, for me, it’s just I haven’t taken out the trash. Yeah. , same thing. Okay. . So it, it’s all, but it all boils down to your thoughts about the trash not being taken out.
Right. So I think what you’re saying to summarize if I can, is that the circumstance. Creates a thought. Most of the time, we don’t think that we have a choice in that. Right. My husband didn’t take out the trash. I see that. My thought is, I’m angry. My thought is, why doesn’t he do this? I’ve asked him three times.
I could have a different thought. I could choose a different thought. Right. Right. So the act, act of him not taking out the trash isn’t what has caused me the anger. What has caused me the anger is my thought about that. My thought that I’ve asked him three times. Right. I could easily say, you know what?
I’m sure he is gonna get to it. It was only two times . All right. Well, and and, and to go back on what you just said, circumstances always, always create thoughts. They do. You’ll always have a thought about the circumstance. Okay. And what your thought is about that circumstance. Completely up to you. Well, and I’m gonna say that the circumstance for many of our listeners is they just went through divorce.
Right? That’s a. , right? They’re in the middle of divorce or they’re at the, at, they got a final judgment. That’s a fact. Mm-hmm. , and now their thought about that is going to create the results in their life moving forward. That’s, that’s in a nutshell how we work with our clients, right? We try to get them at that thought stage to start thinking of differently.
so that they can now end up with the results that they want as opposed to spiraling and thoughts that are not gonna serve them well. Let’s talk a little bit about after their feelings. , how do they get to those results? Okay, well, let’s go because the next step is when you have feelings, as we spoke before, we’re gonna have some actions, right?
And there’s gonna be inactions. So if you can gimme an example of, of an, of an action that you’ve seen lately, or maybe an, uh, not you in general, but. In your, with your clients right? Or maybe some inactions. Okay. So I’ll give you an example. So I have a client who is, um, post divorce and she has decided to change careers.
She feels like it’s an opportunity now. To go back to school and to do what she really wanted to, what she really thinks that she wants to do. So the first thing we’re doing is trying to dig a little deeper to see what she really thinks that she wants to do as far as her career. So let’s just take it back.
The circumstance was the divorce, right? Her, her thought was, I need to make money. I need to, to do something to survive financially, right? and her feeling was she was in a place of confusion and blame. I, I’m too old to go back to school. I don’t have enough money to go back to school. This is unfair. I shouldn’t have to do this.
He should just pay more alimony. All these thoughts, right? That weren’t serving her when we got her to now realize the, the divorce, the circumstance can bring her a thought. I have the ability now to create the life I want. I don’t have to answer to anybody cuz her husband, when she was married, didn’t want her to go back to school.
You see? And so when we de, when we were digging deep, or what we realized is that she now can do that, go back to school, and she doesn’t have to answer to anybody. She only has to answer to herself. She was so excited about that thought that it motivated. To an action of determining what schools were available, how she was gonna be able to finance it through some, you know, aid, through some financial aid, figure out, you know, career paths.
And so that’s where she is now. So her action now is taking her to that place. We’re still working through the rest of it. , but that’s her action. I have a quick question. Sure. Cause I know there’s gotta be a listener out there saying, Doreen better. That sounds so easy. But it’s, it’s a lot harder than it, than it sounds.
Yeah. So how did you go from. You know, my life is over. Yeah. I’m gonna, I don’t have any money. What am I gonna do to, oh my God, this is such an incredible opportunity for me. Well, yeah. How did you get her there? Okay. You baby steps. Yeah, because you can’t just switch off a thought. My, let’s use the example of the husband not taking the garbage out.
in this case with my divorced listeners. Let’s say your son, . Okay? Adult son who happens to be living with you, okay? Whoever it is. But anyhow, the uh, didn’t take out the garbage, right? Mm-hmm. . Okay. , that’s easier to work on. You can change your thought probably on some level there, faster than a big career change thought.
But you take baby steps, you know, so going back to the example of my client, you can’t just jump from Woe is me. The divorce is unfair to, I don’t know what I’m gonna do to make money. To, oh, this is an amazing opportunity. What you do is you start to peel it back and realize, one example, she doesn’t have to ask for permission from her husband.
Right, right. That’ss true. We got her to see that, and from there she started to realize that, okay, I don’t have to ask any permission, so now I have total control over. And now I can start to explore and dream. So it’s not an automatic like shift. It takes time. And, and you can quickly put that into a model.
What results do you want? I don’t want to have to ask for permission. Right? And that, and that’s a result. Well, what, what kind of feelings will that are that, is that gonna give you, what kind of thoughts do you have to have to get that result? Right? So almost everything, like we said in the very, very.
comes from a circumstance and could be used into the model, right? So in this case, with this particular client, what we’re doing is we’re working backwards. We, and you know, it’s interesting cuz I happen to ask her the same question I asked my, uh, Samantha, my young, our youngest daughter mm-hmm. . She’s having a bit of a career challenge.
She’s a junior at college, she’s a journalist major, and she’s like, okay, well I’m gonna be graduating in two years now. What am I gonna do as far as a career? And I asked her a question that nobody has asked her. I said, how much money do you wanna make? Because how many times do these college kids or from high school going into college, nobody asks them.
nobody asked them. And I think it’s such a, a needed question. I agree, right? So I said, how much money do you want to make? And she said her answer was a million dollars. And you know, that’s a big number. She and I said, well, are you looking for, and then I started to get into like gross revenue versus net profit.
Anyhow, so we decided she wanted to bring in gross revenue of a million dollars. And I said, well, to do. What would, what kind of career would you have to have? And she realized that she could still be in the journalist world, meaning writing on some level, but she probably would have to own a company, you know, like maybe in marketing or, uh, something, I don’t know.
Um, so I asked my client, what result do you. from your career, what are you looking for? What number are you looking to receive? What’s important to you? So the things that were important were was the money, how much she was gonna make, cuz she has financial issues. She wants to make sure she can provide a nice lifestyle for her and the kids.
And then she wanted to do something that she likes. That she loves. And so we started to explore that. Hopefully I answered the question. Yes, you did , you did. I went all around the, and, and hopefully back where I needed to be. I don’t know. No, it was, again, it was basically, you know, understanding how thoughts create results and, and also if you really are clear.
on the results you want. You can create the thoughts right now. You can work backwards. Yes. Well, that’s my favorite mo That’s my favorite way. You know that? I’m like big on that. Yes, I know. I am so big on that. Like I always look at what results am I looking for and how, and then I work backwards. How do I get there?
Because you pretty much know what you have to do to get the results we want in our life. Well, it it’s like we really know what we wanna, we know I’ll give. loss. I always think about that one because it’s so, so many people struggle with weight and it’s easy to understand, right? We all know that if you want to lose weight and be in a good shape, meaning toned, then you have to do two things, right?
Maybe three. I’m gonna talk about the, you gotta eat. Less and eat well. Okay. Calories in, good calories in. You gotta exercise. If you wanna build muscle, you’ve gonna have to do some weight training. Oh, slow down. I’m taking notes. , and Right. And you’ve, you’ve gotta just have patience and time because it takes time to get there.
And so why do so many people challenge with weight issues when we know what we have to? and it’s all about the model. It’s about their circumstances creating a thought that likely is creating an action which entices them to eat. Mm-hmm. to buffer because people do buffer with food and the result is they’re gaining weight.
They’re not losing weight. Right, exactly. Okay, so what’s the next one? We got, uh, the action, right? We talked about the action, then we talk about the results. Right. Well, the results are the effect of our. You know, uh, you know, when you eat, when you don’t, you’re not hungry, you’re gonna gain weight. Right? You know, choosing different actions are gonna lead to different results, right?
You know, and understanding where your actions come from, which are your feelings, you can control your actions. So this is how, like I said, in the very beginning of the, of the, uh, episode that each. section of the model intertwines with the other. A little bit of tweaking of your thoughts can change your feelings, which are gonna change your results in a big way.
Right? I know today we did a perfect example of working backwards where we said, okay, we’re going to the Dolphin game, uh, tonight. Go Dolphins. Yeah, go dolphin. The game starts at this time. When do we have to leave by? And then we planned our whole day basically because we won the results of being there on time.
Correct. So just even a little thing like time. , you can use the model, right? Because we knew that, hey, we wanna probably leave here at five, it’s gonna take about 45 minutes to get there by the time we park and we wanna be there early. And this is a box seat. And somebody, uh, friends of ours have invited us.
So we wanna be timely. Yes, right. . So now we know that we’re doing our podcast. Mm-hmm. , we’re going to, you know, get on with our day, get ready for the day, shower, go out there, you know, do some errands that we have to do, and, uh, we have some things we wanna accomplish for your office. Yes. So we’ll get that done and then we’ll go to the game.
I just had a, a thought of one of my favorite words. What, uh, I believe the model, uh, why it’s so popular today and works so well. It’s empowering. Yes. It gives you the power. to be able to control your future. Right? And God imagine having that kind of control over yourself and that kind of power. One of the programs that I’m working right on right now on is how to feel better using the model for people post divorce.
And so I don’t want you to over. This. I know it is. Um, for us, we understand it. We apply it, we use it every day. I use the self-coaching model on myself every day. We don’t teach you anything that we don’t use. Am I better at it certain days and other days? Yes. Because I am, as they say, a human right. But we understand that it’s available.
So for you, I would start, because this is what I’m doing in the program that I’m creating, we’re gonna create together, but I’m outlining. I just want you to write down what you’re feeling, what’s bothering you. Just get it all down on paper, right? Whatever is going on with you at this moment. Just write it down and then you take one of those sentences.
So maybe the sentence is, , uh, um, I don’t, I don’t know. I’m trying to think of something post divorce, like, I don’t think I’ll ever meet. I’ll never meet, I’ll never have someone, you know, romantically in my life again. Right? That could be a thought. Um, I hate dating. I hate dating. Right? That could be a thought.
And then whatever you’re feeling, just think about it. The, I hate dating is a perfect example. You could take that and put that into the model. starting with your thought, right? Mm-hmm. . So if the thought is, I hate dating, then your feeling is gonna be probably what? , uh, probably concern that I’m gonna be lonely, concerned that I’m not gonna have companionship.
Well, yeah. But remember feeling is one word, so maybe it’s sad. Sad. Okay. Right. Yeah. And then when you’re. Sad. What kind of action do you take? Are you a person that if you’re sad, is going to go out there and meet new people, put yourself likely in positions and places? Um, when your friend asks you to go out to dinner, are you the person that if you’re feeling I hate dating and you’re feeling sad, is gonna say yes.
Probably not, right? Probably not. No. So the action from, I hate dating. The feeling of sadness might create a feeling of not opening yourself up to opportunity. Mean the action line or the inaction, right? The inaction. And your result is you’re not dating anybody. No change, right? Not dating anybody, right?
So work on it however you see fit, but I like to do. First is just let my listeners, let my clients put everything out on paper. Pick one, and then just start to work it. So write down circumstance, thought, feeling, action, result, dump down some thoughts and start to work through it. . Okay. So there are, there are four things that I like to talk about that how we can really kind of practice the model, uh, on your own.
Uh, the first one you basically just talked about is kind of understand what your thoughts are under, notice what you’re thinking at the time. Right. You know, it’s almost like, uh, if you want to drive your car to another state and you need a map, you have to kind of start know where you’re at, right? Where, where you’re.
thought download. Exactly. Exactly. And then notice how you’re thinking is creating your feelings and then your actions and your results. So if you say, this is my thought and this is the results of that thought. , then you can move on. Cuz once you realize that your thoughts are causing everything, then you can decide to change those thoughts and decide what you want.
Then working backwards, figuring out what you want and understanding what are the thoughts you need to get there. What, yeah, what are the thought, what do you need to do? , just like my client who knows that she needs to now go to college to reinvent herself. Mm-hmm. , because of the career that she wants.
Right? How do you know? How do you need to feel to get there? So she knows. She needs to feel motivated and excited. Or else she’s not gonna investigate. Right. You know, and then she can create the results she wants and ghost for it. And what’s the, uh, the mo, the, uh, motto for the year? And then just go for it.
Oh, ours , right. Go for it. Go for it. Go for it. Yeah. Every, uh, new Year’s Eve, we try to come up with some inspiring thought. Um, to motivate us as a, as a married couple. So it was, go for it. And we haven’t been really doing it though, have we? Like I don’t think we’ve lived up to go for it. I think we’ve been so busy going for it that we don’t realize we’re going for it.
Oh, that’s true. Like sometimes I think going for it is like taking a vacation when it’s creating a new program, which is even better. . That’s true. So yes, we have, all right. My friends, listen. , I know it’s a lot today. I hope that you’ve enjoyed meeting Jeff on a greater level. Um, we’re really looking forward to doing more episodes together.
I think I’ll do some myself, some with him, and then we’ll get into a better rolling cycle on it. So, you know, be patient with us on that. If you need us, just reach out to us. Remember, love yourself. Be kind to yourself and know that you will get through this. And there is an amazing life after divorce. We are an example of.
All right. Thanks for having me. All right. Have an amazing day. Bye.
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit [email protected]. That’s L a D as in life after divorce coaching.com. Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day.
And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.