Ep. 64 – The Art of Feeling Bad

Hey, my beautiful friends, and how are you? So today we’re going to discuss feeling bad. We have all come into this world kind of being duped into believing that we’re supposed to be happy all of the time. Like in marriage, it’s says happily ever after. But what if I told you. That it’s not the way it works.

That life is a balance of good and bad. So if you are ready, let’s get started and let’s learn the truth about Happily ever after.

Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Ya. And Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire. As partners, both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

Hey, my friends and how are you? My name is Doreen Yaha. I am the co-host of. Life After Divorce Coaching podcast, formally known as your amazing divorce. And the reason that we changed the name of the podcast and the graphics and all of that is because my husband is co-hosting with us and is also a life coach.

Hi Jeff. Hey, good morning. Beautiful. How are you? I’m good. It’s early. Yeah, we usually don’t record at this time, so if we’re a little more relaxed than usual, it’s cuz the, uh, caffeine hasn’t set in yet. Not yet. So, yeah. So you’re co-hosting with me? Yes. I mean, I’m, I’m so excited about this, to be able to do this with you and, uh, get our message out to the public and, and I’m really excited about the new coaching business we’re launching.

Yes, yes. So today we’re gonna talk about something I’ve spoke about before in one of my podcasts. It was episode six. It’s um, I think it’s titled it’s a 50 50 Life. It’s basically about that life is a balance. Of both good and bad, and life is a balance of positive and negative. And when you understand this concept, it just makes life a lot easier.

You know, when you’re going through divorce, whether you wanted the divorce or not, or maybe it was mutual, you’re, I know you’re not feeling good, right? And so I want to talk about. And Jeff, what do you think? Well, it, it is true, and even though there may be exceptions to the rule, uh, divorce just plain isn’t pleasant.

And, uh, you certainly don’t want to go through, uh, through some pretend mental state, like, uh, all is okay, but the reality is the happily ever after just didn’t work. And let’s just be real. And the divorce rate is now, well actually, well, let’s talk about that. Yeah. Because the divorce rate, I just looked it up before we started our podcast or this episode.

And based on the Googles, what was it, 50, 50% of first time marriages, uh, and in divorce, approximately 60% of. Marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. But what was also interesting is the numbers. Yeah. The numbers of divorce, the numbers are down because, well, because the marriage am, uh, numbers are down.

People are not mar getting married as often. Yeah. More people are deciding not to get married, but to just be in relationships, living together and having children together without being married. So it’ll be interesting to see like what those stats look like, because even though we do coaching for people in divorce after divorce, getting them to their best life, of course, me being a divorce attorney for over 28 years and, uh, you know, us both being coaches, life coaches certified through the life coach school, I think, you know, in the future we might wanna consider, um, helping people just in relationships.

That breakdown. Yeah. And same. Yes. Yeah. Cuz it really, I mean, it is just the way the world is and things are changing and people for whatever reasons, good, bad, and different. Um, we, we don’t hold any judgment one way or another. As coaches, we always hold space. We try not to judge, but, um, people are just deciding not to get married, you know, so it is what it is.

Very interesting. But, you know, when you think about that, the divorce rate is, let’s just say first time marriages, approximately 50%, right? That means that it’s good and bad, right? In other words, 50% of the marriages don’t work out. And the concept of good and bad basically is that. Life is going to throw you both good and bad.

Right? Right. Some of it in your control, some of it, and a lot of it not in your control, like a divorce many times is not in your control because people maybe one side decides I don’t wanna be married anymore. And as they say, it takes two to. Right? Correct. So if, if life is truly a balance of 50 50, and let’s just take another example.

You know, you get sick, right? Probably don’t have a lot of control over that, or you get into an accident. Right? Um, and so when you realize we have this thought process that, and especially in social media, that everything is supposed to be perfect, right? You’re not happy unless everything is perfect, right?

You look perfect. Your marriage is perfect, your kids are perfect, your job is perfect. And so, you know, when you look at social media, and I’m just using that as an example, right? I’m not saying it’s good or bad, but everybody is posting all the good things. People are not posting all the bad things. So, you know, we all strive to have this like perfect life, but it’s just not the.

It’s just not right. It’s true. So like the reality is that divorce happens. Sickness happens, right? People get fired. Right. And on things happen because we live in what I call like the real world. And sometimes things are good and even great, like the day you got married, right? Most people are not thinking like that’s bad.

Most people are like, this is great. Right? Right. And or. When a baby is born right. Or you land a great job, but also in life, we have situations that just plain what stink. Like when your spouse, like I said, asked you for a divorce or the marriage is just not working out, you know? So it’s not always a, a happily ever after.

Right, exactly. And, and the when bad things happens in life, uh, we’re supposed to feel bad, but in fact what we want to be is a little bit more human. And that means there will be a balance and we will not always realize it, but we want to feel, we want to feel a range of emotions. You know what fascinates me?

Well, what is that, honey? Because you always fascinate me, Jess saying, oh, that’s sweet. Um, well, I was also thinking about people who, that. And really suffering when they’re going through a divorce. It’s a very emotional time in in their life, and it’s really kind of interesting how the body will sometime react in a physical way.

When there’s emotional pain. Yeah, I agree. I’ve seen people really become physically sick, like physically sick when they’re going through divorce. Right. I think one of the most common things, and I’m laughing only because I see this a lot and people always kid about it, is that, um, people lose a lot of, some people lose a lot of weight during divorce, you know, they.

Can’t eat. So physically their emotional hurt is playing into their physical pain because they just don’t have an appetite. And sometimes it can physically manifest itself to a state even more serious than just losing weight, you know? So I know that many of the clients, I had one client recently, and this is really sad because this is somebody that I admire greatly ended up in the hospital.

Um, because she was so devastated by the divorce emotionally, she just really couldn’t function, wasn’t eating, wasn’t drinking any water, basically had shut down, you know what I’m saying? Completely shut down. And she ended up in the hospital. So one of the things that I really want to say, and Jeff, I want, well, yeah, let me add one thing that’s that’s very, very important.

Very important. You know, if you’re having true physical issues, Please get it checked out. Yeah. You know, see your doctor and even if it’s more acute or urgent, seek emergency assistant right away. Yeah, for sure. And, and you know, if you need that kind of help. But be very aware of that when you’re going through divorce, when you’re going through the emotional challenges of this, that you wanna take care of your body.

Okay. Be, especially when you’re emotionally tried, you gotta sometimes force yourself to do things like go out for a walk or eat well and drink lots of water. Jeff? Yeah. My husband has this thing like, he’s a camel. Are you a camel? You are a camel in a different life, weren’t you? He doesn’t like to drink water.

You know, like I carry, like right now on my desk, I’m gonna like, I have this, I, I’m kind of banging in on the thing, but I have my big, you know, thermos of water that I kind of keep with me all the time. And you have this, I have a Dixie Cup full of water Yeah. That I gave to you. But anyhow, no, really take care of yourself physically.

You got it. All right, so now that we talked about that, Let’s dive into the subject today. Um, the really, I’m gonna call it the art of feeling bad. I wanna talk about how we all can get better at feeling bad, right? Because we understand that we are going to feel bad. Again, sometimes not within your control, sometimes within your control.

And I talked about that again, that was episode six. If you wanna listen to my previous episode about the 50 50 life, that the reality is this is the way it works, right? It’s just part of the human experience. And so I wanna dive in and talk about this. And so the first thing is to. Whatever way is most useful for our listeners to think about the 50 50, good, bad is the way I want them to think about it, the way that serves you.

You know, when I discuss this with our clients and I mention it often, Even our kids. You know, I, I, I, I talk about this a lot with people and I just kind of like want the little light bulb to go out or go off, I should say. So Megan, um, our middle daughter, I was telling her about this the other day. She, um, just got clearance to play again.

And for those of you that haven’t followed, Podcast. Megan is our middle child. Well, we have four kids. Yes, we do. I have three. Yes. Jeff has one. We’re um, second marriage, married almost how many years now? 13. Is it 13? I thought. Oh yeah, it’ll be 14. It’ll be 14 in November 14. November 21st. That’s it. That’s happy anniversary.

That’s it? Yep. Yep. Megan’s, what, 22 now? Megan’s 22. And Megan is a volleyball player. Um, she got a D one ride to a beautiful school in Spartanburg called Wofford, but last year she blew out her knee in a game. And the bottom line is she wasn’t expecting that. Right? Yeah. She’s an amazing outside hitter and, uh, all around.

Well, you would know because you used to play volleyball, right? I did. I played beach volleyball. Many, well, let’s say many, many years ago. But it was, it was an amazing, I love playing. Yeah. You and you played beach, right? Yeah. It was two man beach volleyball, Jose Cuervo. And then also I did played in some leagues, but there was all, it was mostly sand vo.

Yeah, and it was a horrible accident. I mean, her whole knee was blow blown out and she had to have like, so much reconstructive surgery. Um, but she got clearance just recently and she’s really thrilled because she’s been working so hard in her rehab on her knee to be able to play at least. In a game, um, in her last year and volleyball season is right now.

So she was so charged up and I was like, listen sweetie, that’s great. Like, we’re gonna come see you, you’re gonna be playing in the games and all that, but I need you to realize that life is a balance of 50 50. Like you’re gonna get out there and most likely you’re not gonna be playing like you were before your accident.

It’s just not possible, right? So I just wanted her to have a little grasp of the reality of the concept. You know? So true. In fact, recognizing that the 50 50 exists is a part of who we are as humans. It’s very, very normal. You know, I mean, everybody goes through it because we are human as you call us the humans.

I want to take it, uh, take a little step further and say, not only is it normal, but it’s also important for us to learn how to process. Learn how to feel, learn how to be in an emotional pain, and like when you’re, uh, dealing with many, uh, stages and feelings that come along with divorce, that getting this and understanding that it can be healthy and serve you and not be, uh, so hard on yourself.

Right? In other words, that basically if you, when you understand that, Life is a balance of 50 50. It makes life a little easier because you’re always not expecting perfection. Right, exactly. And, and, and that’s really important. I think there’s some comfort in that, that a lot of people just don’t understand.

So I suppose, you know, like with Megan as an athlete or in life, like when you say I do, when you get married, when you put yourself out there, when you put yourself out, You’re gonna understand or you should understand. That you know what happens, right? That it’s not always gonna be rainbows and daisies.

Now, let me just say something. You could stay stuck in the cave in your house and probably eliminate or reduce the amount of risk of the 50 50 bad part of it. But who wants a life like that? So what I’m suggesting is like Megan putting herself on the court and being like going. Caused her to have the accident, blew out her knee.

When you say I do in a marriage to a marriage, you’re putting yourself out there. Yeah. And it’s so important. See, here’s what I wanna explain. When you, we live many of us on autopilot, which means that we don’t understand these concepts, right? And so when you don’t, when you go around life, When you are through life thinking that everything is always gonna be perfect and you don’t understand that you don’t have control over perfect, it’s not possible, then that’s a problem, right?

But when you understand that you cannot control things and that negative things are going to happen, it changes the way you react to negative. Yeah, life is always going to throw you a punch here and there. Yeah. Throw you a curve ball, but if you’re expecting it, then you can handle it differently than you normally would and you’ll stay outta trouble.

In other words, let me take a minute to explain. When you don’t accept that life is both negative and positive, what happens is something negative happens to you, you feel bad. Yep. And when you have a negative emotion, generally one of three things can happen. First, you can react. Second, you indulge in it, and three you repress it and try to escape from it.

Right? So what we’re trying to explain today is that when you don’t understand or accept the concept of negative things will happen in life, you generally fall into doing one of those three things and in divorce, There’s so much negative emotion, right? Mm-hmm. And I’m not suggesting that you go into a marriage, you say, I do.

And you’re like, oh, well, you know, 50% of the cha, I got a 50% shot that this isn’t gonna work out. You want things to work out, but you have to be a little aware that with the divorce rate at 50%, you know, and I don’t want you to be like negative about it, but I’m saying just have the awareness that it could.

So I just want the awareness out there and when you are not aware and you’re doing one of the three things that we discussed, then. Many times it can be very self-destructive. You know, you can indulge in negative feelings. The woe is me kind of mentality, right? Like something bad happens, you’re like, oh my God, like I never expected this.

Well, hello? Or they try to buffer, try to push the negative feelings down by escaping through things to take their minds off of it, instead of just letting the negative emotion be there of the negative thing that happened. Exactly. They might be over drinking or overindulging with some vice. Uh, could be a number of things, but let’s talk briefly about what we suggest when you start feeling a negative emotion.

What do or should you be aware of? And I want to suggest that many times it’s natural for us to want to do whatever we can do to make it go away, and that’s where awareness is key, right? So what you’re saying is to make that negative emotion go away, right? In other words, you’re feeling bad about something and you’re trying to get rid of that feeling.

That’s, that’s what we do as humans, right? The primitive brain. That’s what it wants. Pleasure. Right? We don’t wanna feel bad, right? In other words, to just be aware of the negative emotion and when you start feeling like your urges to make it go away, when you start feeling compulsions to get out of it, I want our listeners to just be aware of that.

Just notice it. Just notice that you are reject. 50% of your life, which is the 50 50. Good is bad, good and bad, sorry. All right. You’re rejecting the part of your life that is negative, that is painful, that is uncomfortable, that will be there because it’s just part of the experience, meaning the negative part of it, right?

Yeah. We can’t live a perfect. Because we can’t control life that way. I know we all want to, right? Right. We wanna think that we can, but we just can’t. And if you think you can control life in that way, it’s going to be. Really challenging because just like Megan and her knee or your divorce, you can’t control things outside of you, for example, your spouse or the way the ball came over the neck and the way that my daughter hid it, Hey, if we could all control things outside of us, we would live a perfect life.

So here’s the, the takeaway from this. When you don’t accept your emotional feelings of negativity. Right. A lot of us turn to buffering. Right. And it could be over drinking, overeating, it could be watching porn, it could be whatever. Whatever your advice is. Right? Because we do that because our, we wanna get out of the emotional negativity.

Right? Exactly. And so, Those types of things like drinking or eating, typically just those are examples. It could be surfing the net, you know, whatever it is that you’re doing is because it brings you that false pleasure that dopamine hit. So it’s really important to just be aware of it, and it’s important to know when you’re trying to escape the negative emotion, because remember, it’s not gonna go.

In other words, if you drink a bottle of Chardonnay, right, you’re gonna feel better because that false pleasure. But when you then are sober again, whatever that emotion was that you were feeling, the negative emotion, let’s say it’s about your divorce, it’s still gonna be there. And the reality is, is that when you’re done escaping by drinking that bottle of Chardonnay, the emotion will still be there.

And now you have to deal with two things. You have to deal with the fact that you still have that motion and that you now probably aren’t feeling great because you’re probably feeling hungover. You’re probably not so proud of yourself. Maybe you did some things while you were drinking that you weren’t proud of about, right, right.

So what we’re saying is that the art of being aware and allowing it meaning the negative emotion is so important. I want you to think of it as when you start feeling that way, that negative emotion, just witness it, become like an observer to watch it from the outside and for me. I like to even almost have like this out of body experience where I can see myself like from above and I’m watching myself like, yeah, you’re feeling this ne negative emotion, right?

And you really wanna go like eat that whole cake because that’s gonna make you feel better, but you’re not gonna do that. So watch it from the outside. Jeff, do you have any tips on this? How to do this? Well, yes I do. You know, I play a little game with myself and it’s called name the Emotion. So what I’ll say is, hello, there’s sadness.

How are you? I’m not in the mood for you today, but you’re not gonna buffer it. But I, but I’m not gonna buffer it. I’m not gonna react to it. I’m not gonna repress it or indulge in it. I’m just gonna let it be. I mean, it’s gonna happen and I’m ready. Next, what I’m going to do is try to figure out where in my body am I feeling the emotion, the negative emotion, the the negative emotion.

Typically, you’ll, you’ll, you’ll feel some kind of vibration in your body. For me, it’s in my chest. I feel like my, somebody’s sitting on my chest the very heavy, uh, chest. But what we do next is equally important. Right, Dorian? Yeah. And I just wanna make sure that, that our listeners are clear on that. So when you don’t repress it, And that’s like buffering it, right?

You don’t indulge in it, which is like, oh, poor me and all that. Right? Indulging in that negative emotion or you don’t. And you don’t react to it. So the reaction would be like, you know, uh, maybe lashing out at somebody. Blaming, blaming, those types of things. You name it, you name your negative emotion.

That’s a little trick you do. And that’s kind of cool, Jeff. And then you feel it in your body. Where are you feeling it? For me, I feel it in my throat. You feel it in your chest. And once you place that name on it, the name of the negative emotion. And you permit yourself to feel it, then the next thing you do is you wanna figure out where it’s coming from.

See what happens is most people just feel negatively. They feel something negative, and they don’t take the time to first let the negative feeling be there and then figure out where it’s coming from. So let’s say for example, it’s about the divorce and you’re feeling sadness, right? You feel. You let the feeling be there, you figure out like where it’s in your body.

That’s just an extra tip. And then I want the listeners to consider figuring out the thought. In their mind that is causing the negative emotion. For example, in divorce, it might be, you know, well, I think I’m feeling sad because we’re getting divorced and the reason I’m feeling sad about being divorced is because when I married John, let’s just use a name.

You know, I thought this was going to be like this happily ever after thing, and it’s just. Happening. And so I’m really feeling sad about that. And this is where it gets a little tricky. Now what you wanna think is how is that thought serving you? Is it serving you? To think what you’re thinking, for example, that this didn’t work out.

I’m a failure. Our marriage is a failure. I’m not worthy. It must be all about me. These are typically like a lot of the thoughts that come with the breakdown of a marriage, right? And it’s not serving you to think that way. You could instead think that you had many good years. Right. You could choose to think that over this marriage is a failure.

You could choose to think, we have these beautiful kids. There are other thoughts that you could have that are likely a reality for you. So when you’re thinking negatively, right? I like to call that a thought mistake, and it’s not that. Incorrect, right. It just means that it’s not serving you to think that way.

It’s causing a lot of the negative emotion, and I want you to, or the listeners, I really want them to just be like I said, the observer and be curious about this. You might say something like, huh, I’m having this thought. I’m gonna use, you know, I’m fat. I’m having a thought that I’m not good enough. And then when we have that thought, we feel probably shame or we feel inadequate.

We don’t wanna resist it that negative. We don’t wanna indulge in it. We don’t wanna feel sorry for ourselves about it. We just notice it and allow it and experience it. And then we can say, oh, I am having this negative emotion and I’m having this thought, and then you can kind of just let it go. One of the reasons why we really want to encourage you to practice this skill is opening up to it, acknowledging it, and releasing it.

It will prevent you from reacting. It and, and like you said, our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings drive our actions, which show up in our life and our results. And if we’re having an emotion or reacting to an emotion that came from a thought mistake, we’re going to be creating results that we do not want in our lives.

We’re going to be creating unintentional results that may end up compounding our negative emotion. You know, uh, so true. And in today’s world, one of the problems that I see as we kind of become more efficient as humans, and, and I’ll explain this, is there’s way too many ways to escape negative emotion.

We have so many things that arefin fingertips to be able to, to fill that dopamine. Um, you know, so you start feeling bad and you wanna escape it, and so you can just, you know, pull out some sugar or have a drink or, or get on social media and surf, you know, and you just wanna always be aware of that, especially, especially when you’re going through like one of the highest levels of emotional, I don’t wanna say trauma, but just, um, tightened negative emotion during.

You And I also wanna suggest something that when people come to me, or let’s say my clients come to me, uh, they’re all, some of ’em are like, oh, I’m, I’m happy. I really don’t have any negative emotions. And I say, well, first they’re probably on drugs. But then I say, not, not, not really. Not really, but I’m thinking they’re probably living in a bubble because you are living, you’re not living your best.

And going for it. Cuz if you do, you’re gonna have failures. You’re gonna have negative emotions. As we said earlier, the 50 50. But on the other side of that, it’s well worth it. Right. In other words, I think what you’re, what you’re saying is that when people come to us and they’re like, oh no, everything’s fine, everything’s amazing.

Especially when we’re coaching somebody about divorce and getting on with their life, you know, and what we do. Um, and they’re like, everything is fine. We. That’s not really the case. We know that one of two things, they’re either like really pushing it down and buffering it, or they’re just not living their best life.

Because when you live your best life and you’re going out for that volleyball team, you’re going down for that hit. You know, you could stay on the bench and never put yourself out there and never blow out your knee. Right. Right. And so we know one of two things is happening when they do this, we know which 50% they’re living in.

Yeah, right. Well, they’re living in the safe zone is what I’m saying. Right. Or they’re pushing it down. They’re pushing that emotion. They could be having a a 50% happy emotion at the time. But we all know that the other 50% of the negativity will come sooner than later. Right. And so what we’re saying is that when somebody comes to us and they’re like, no, life is really good and I have nothing going on after divorce.

And we’re like, what? Like you have no negative emotion at all ever, right? Like that’s not real. No. We’re supposed to have negative emotions. So when we’re living our lives in a. That is asking us to grow and evolve and to chase our dreams and to get what we want in life. We’re gonna run into challenges and that brings negative emotion.

Like when you say I do, that’s putting yourself out there. That is not to say that we don’t wanna have pleasure. That we don’t want to experience positive emotion. Of course we do. I also wanna clarify, I really wanna clarify this and take a minute on this. I wanna clarify that when we talk about buffering as an example, and I know in one of my episodes I don’t have it in front of me.

I talk specifically about buffering. So go there and talk if you wanna hear more about it. But there’s a difference between, for example, I’m gonna use the chardonnay. Okay? The drinking. Because we like to socialize, we like to drink, right? Meaning that when we go out, we like to have, you know, some wine and we enjoy learning about wines and all that.

I’m not suggesting that you don’t have wine or you don’t have a piece of cake, or you don’t, you know, go on social media. What, um, what I’m suggesting is that you are doing it because you want to do it. You’re doing it for that purpose. You’re not doing it for the purposes of buffering away something else.

Very distinct difference. Yeah. When you’re, when you’re trying to escape a negative emotion, for an example by overdrinking. Because you feel a negative emotion. It’s very different if you want to have a drink because you want to enjoy yourself or you want to have a cocktail or something like that.

That’s not the, it’s not the way to escape an emotion, but it’s the way to just enjoy the presence of your friends and share a cocktail or something like that. It’s, it’s very, very different then. Yeah. No, it’s totally different. If you’re making a conscious choice and you can take it or leave it, and you often do leave it, then you know that it’s simply something that you have balance in.

It’s something you want just to, to enjoy. Exactly. I mean, when we’re like, uh, enjoying great food and wine and being with friends, uh, going out on the boat, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s, oh, those are all for good reasons. Right, right. You’re not doing it. Just, you know, there is a difference though, and we we’re not saying that eating or drinking or social me or social media or TV is bad.

Just why are you doing it? That is the question you have to ask yourself and be aware. Yeah, just be aware of your reason for doing it. So you know, when we get that life balance, that when we first realize, just to recap that life is a balance of good and bad circumstances happen beyond our control. It makes things easier.

Then when bad things or circumstances do happen, or when you’re having a negative emotion. Remember you don’t want to. You don’t wanna indulge and you don’t wanna react. What you wanna do in summary, is you just wanna let that emotion be there. You want to maybe name it like Jeff suggests, feel it in your body, let it happen, and then listen to your thoughts about why.

What thoughts are you having that are causing the negative feeling? Because thoughts. Come from circumstances generally that create a feeling and action and a result that’s called the model, and that’s what we teach. Yeah. So that’s it. Well, if, uh, anybody is interested in finding out more about our coaching Oh yeah, yeah.

They can email us at, uh, yours is gonna be Doreen at l a d dash. coaching.com and mine is the same with a Jeff at in the front of it. Yeah. So reach out to us. We’d love to speak with you, uh, discuss more about what we do and you know, as life coaches, whether it’s us or it’s someone else, we can just bring you forth sooner than later to getting past where you are to creating an amazing.

After divorce. All right, my friends. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, have a most amazing week. But remember that for this week, life is a balance of 50 50. 50 50. So anyhow, and uh, I look forward to speaking to you next week. All right, my friends. And remember, yes, you can have an amazing, amazing life after divorce.

Bye-bye bye.

You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your. And want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at l a d coaching.com. That’s l a d as in life after divorce coaching.com. Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day.

And remember, yes, you can have an amazing, amazing life after divorce.