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Ep. 65 – Dating Tips

In this episode, we provide some insight and tips about dating after divorce. From knowing what you want in a partner, to loving yourself and more, come have some fun with us while we dive into the subject of dating.

*We are aware of some technical issues with this recording.

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Hey, my beautiful friends and how are you? Today we’re gonna talk about something you’re probably thinking about. Well, maybe you’re thinking about it or maybe you’ve just given up altogether on finding love, but we’re gonna talk today about dating and we’re gonna give you some tips. So if you are ready, let’s get started.

Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give. Strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire. As partners, both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

All right, so today we’re gonna talk about dating Jeff. How does that sound? Sounds scary to me. Should be they, they say it’s pretty tough out there. Really? Yeah. That’s what they say. I know. I mean, I don’t know who they are, but I hear that it’s pretty tough out there in the dating world today. You know what?

I think already that is the wrong attitude for people to. I agree, because we all know that our thoughts create our feelings, create our actions, create our result. So if you think that dating is tough out there, what’s gonna happen? It’s gonna be tough for you, right? The results are probably, you’re not gonna get out there.

Or if you’re out there, you’re not gonna be open to it, and you’re going to think that all, you know, there’s no, there’s no sense in it, right? As opposed to just think. Hey, let me go out. If I meet somebody, great. If I don’t, maybe I just made another friend, or as I used to say when I was dating, maybe he’ll he’ll know somebody who has a friend kind of thing.

Okay. Well, you went out on a date before me. Yeah, right. Okay. You can’t even believe that can I can’t believe it. No. Also have three children, but you can’t believe that either. Huh? Immaculate conception. Okay. All right. So no, let’s talk about dating today. Let’s talk about dating. Um, you know, we’re not gonna have any judgment here as far as when you start dating or what that looks like for you in the sense of, you know, everybody’s an individual, right?

Some people decide to date when they’re going through the. Other people wait a long time after the divorce beat because for many reasons, right? So today I think we just wanna get through a couple of our thoughts and tips that we’ve researched and looked at and experience that we’ve had personally, but also through some of our clients that have gone through divorce.

So the first thing is what Jeff? Well, you wanna reflect on what happened the first time, right? Where did, where did the, did the marriage go wrong? What type of person you’re looking for? Uh, what are some of the characteristics that you can live with or you can’t live with? So I think it’s important, right, to really reflect, to go back, to look at when you were dating, to look at your ex.

Decide the things that you are, like your must-haves in a, in a, a person, you know? Well, I think maybe, you know, let’s go back. Let me go back. If you just want a date to have fun, like you’re not really looking for anybody. You’re just looking for a companionship, somebody to be with, somebody to spend time with, somebody to hang out, you know, whatever that looks like for.

There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with all. Okay. So I think first decide if you’re really looking for someone, like a long term someone. Are you just looking to casually get out there? And really, for today, we’re talking more about that long term looking to, to get into a relationship. Okay.

Maybe it’s not marriage for a while. I know a lot of people, you know, are, are gun shy as they say after divorce. But want somebody in your life, a particular person, So first thing we said was to reflect what are the most important things to you? Is it that he or she be educated at a certain level? Is it that they make a certain amount of money?

Do you want somebody that has children who doesn’t have children? What age group are you looking? At, what about interest? Are you looking for somebody who’s intellectual? Are you looking for somebody who’s an outdoorsy kind of person, athletic? Think about the things that are compatible for you. Maybe sense of humor.

What are some other attributes? Um, well, of course beauty. I know you say that way. Yes. Well, for a guy, you know, the looks is important. Well, for a guy, well, guys are very visual. Women are want to be taken care of and, and protected and. And, you know, open the door for the, um, and all that good stuff. Yeah, we like that.

But listen, what year is it? It’s, uh, 2023 Almost. No. Yes, but it’s 2022. Yes. Okay. We’re strong women. We don’t need all of us to have a man to take care of us. Okay. Well, we’re very capable. A lot of these women are taking care of ourselves. And you know what? Women, if you take care of yourself and you’re making a lot of money, I want you to own that.

Okay? There’s nothing wrong with that. Well, there’s, there’s other ways that, that you could take care of a woman without it being financial. Yes. It could be, like I just said, opening the car door or, or buying ’em flowers, or just doing little things that. You know that mean a lot of things. Yeah. So think about that.

Then think about the things that you don’t want. They are like the. I don’t want that, that is gonna be a deal breaker for me. What might something like that be? Uh, I would say maybe I’ll just jump in. I’m a little rowdy today, right? I think you are too much coffee. No, actually drink tea, but that’s okay.

Okay. Caffeine then you, you wouldn’t know that? No, I wouldn’t. Um, I’ll get a word in here every now and then, but one of the things is maybe for you, it’s a deal breaker if the person doesn’t have a. Male or female. You know, you want somebody that has, has a job. Maybe you want somebody that has money. It could be a, he doesn’t, he smokes.

You don’t want a smoker. You don’t want a smoker. Something like that. Okay, so list those out first. And the reason that I say this is cuz so many people that I see so many of our clients jump into a relationship, it ends up being an exclusive relationship. And we l and and they really like that person, whomever it is that they’re dating and now they’re exclusive with doesn’t meet their criteria.

And what that does is it then when the right person would’ve come along, you’re not available. It’s that immediate gratification versus delayed gratification. Okay. We spoke about that. Yeah. And I think the ultimate goal is that you don’t make the same mistake. Well, but yeah, but I wanna talk first about, you know what I just said, which is keeping yourself open to find the right person is super important because just getting involved with somebody for the sake of filling that gap, and because maybe you’re lonely or maybe you just want somebody in your life or whatever reason, and it’s not the right person, then when the right person comes.

They’re not Ava, you’re not available. Right. I also think we’re talking about making sure that you understand what is that right person for you? What are those characteristics that you’re looking for? Well, we just said that I. You’re saying, not just being, making yourself available at that time, but also making yourself available emotionally, making yourself available.

Oh, right. You know? Right. Yeah. So working past, you gotta work past the, the, the sadness, the fear, the anger. You know, we talk about that a lot when we coach our, our clients from divorce, is we try to find them where they are, meet them where they are. And I think that’s what you’re referring about. Exactly.

Where are you emotionally. Exactly. Alright. So the next thing I think we should talk about is how do you find someone, you know, where do you go to date? And I know that dating online is what really popular right now. It’s very popular. Um, I think also that a lot of people rely on who they know, you know, like having a friend introduce you to someone.

But other than that, what are some tips about putting yourself out there? So that you can maybe find someone to date, well, that’s a good idea. To maybe get out there and take up a new hobby, like maybe dancing, ballroom dancing or pickleball or you know, just taking your dog to the dog park. You never know who or where you’re gonna meet somebody, right?

So I think it’s a great opportunity. To be able to look deep inside of yourself to find those hobbies, those things that you think you might wanna try. This is a great time for you to do that. After divorce, try something new. And when you’re there, you know you’re gonna open up that potential, um, access to meeting people.

So I think it’s like a, a two for the price of one. One, you get to do something new and d. Why not? It’s a new life. And the second thing is you get to, uh, maybe expand your friend group or your dating group, talking about friends. I think that’s another good avenue when you’re looking to date, right? Have fun with your friends.

Get out there. Yeah, why don’t you just pick up the phone, call a friend, or if a friend calls you, make yourself available. You never know who they know or you might, uh, it might help break the ice with a stranger when you’re with your friends, and you might just get out there and have a good time. I can promise them one thing.

If you’re sitting home, you’re not gonna meet people unless you’re. Or somebody calls you and says, Hey, I have somebody for you to meet, but you gotta get out there. And I know after divorce it’s emotionally challenging and some of us tend to wanna be a little more isolated, right? We wanna just be in our little comfort zone home doing the same thing and probably, you know, upset on and emotionally dealing with that.

But it does make a huge difference. I’ll tell you yesterday. Because I’ve been kind of working a lot and I work from home mostly. I went and took the dogs for a walk or one dog. I took Coda. We have a, a beautiful, um, shepherd. Her name is Coda. And, um, she is just a sweetheart and she, oh, wait a minute. We also have Blue, and we then we have a little Frenchie.

Little Frenchie, and her name is Blue. Babies. So for all of you animal lovers, we are with you. We are like huge animal lovers. So Jeff went to the boat show yesterday and I could have stayed home, you know, done laundry. Around the house worked, but I said, let me just get out there. And I took a walk over by the beach with Coda.

Can’t take blue cuz she can only go like, what? She doesn’t have a nose, eighth of a mile or something. Then she’s done and then, and then she just lays down like literally wherever she is, she just lays down flat. So I took her, I didn’t really want to do it. I would’ve rather stayed home, but I forced myself and it helped me to pick up my.

And make me in a much better spirit, right? So get out there with your friends. I think the next one is very, very important and it, especially for me, you know, one of the, I think the worst things you can do during a date is talk about or complain about your ex. Oh my gosh, yes. You know, I’ve had, uh, some nightmare dates that all they were complaining about their ex and my ex did this, and my hu ex-husband said this, and, and I’m just looking for the exit couldn.

We couldn’t wait to get out the. I mean, I think it’s, I and I do hear that a lot that um, you know, and it’s funny, like on movies when you see a skit, sometimes they talk about their ex and the other guy’s like, oh my gosh, can I get outta here? But yeah, you don’t wanna be talking about your ex, you certainly wanna inquire.

You know, there’s nothing wrong with knowing why the marriage broke down. I mean, when it gets to that point in the relationship, like, was it, you know, just to get some background. I don’t think it’s a good practice to talk about your ex, and especially if you’re gonna talk about them in a negative way when you speak about something negatively that really reflects on you and think about what that other person is thinking.

I always used to think, I had one girlfriend in particular who always used to talk negatively about other friends, right? Mm-hmm. Almost every single conversation I thought, if she’s talking negative about her, what is she saying to her about me? Right? I just, I don’t know. It just didn’t sit well with me.

And I, I was very uncomfortable because I didn’t wanna jump in the, in the pool with them and say like, yeah, he, that must have been horrible or She does this. You understand what I’m saying? Sure. Yeah. And, and for our few guys that are listening out there it goes both. Oh yeah, for sure. You definitely don’t wanna be talking about your ex.

All right. So let’s talk then about what we do wanna talk about, and I think one of the most important things is to be honest and open. Be real. You know, um, we’ve been hurt when you go through divorce, you know, or any breakup, you know, you, you might have your heart closed off. Um, but you wanna be honest and open about who you are, what, what you, what you do, what you want.

I don’t think it’s a good thing at all in any relationship to put. Like a false, um, uh, facade. Facade. And I have to tell you that I think in Boca, well, I shouldn’t, I probably shouldn’t. Like what? Leave my Boca alone. And we love Boca. We love Boca Maton. Okay? And I take that back. It’s everywhere. It’s everywhere.

But you see a lot of people that pretend that they’re something that they’re not. And eventually that catches up to you because if the relationship is going to go further, they’re gonna find out the truth. Right? So it’s about being honest and open about who you are and also what you want. Um, I also think it’s important that if you don’t like the person after you’ve given yourself a fair chance.

Mm-hmm. Right? That you. Open and honest about it and way in a kind way way. What do you, what do you think about being open, let’s say on a first date, or maybe they’re, you know, being a little bit too open at first? Well, I think you have to wait. You have to kind of look at it and, and you, you certainly don’t wanna spill your, you know, everything about yourself out on the table.

Scare me away, kind of. You have a great expression. Gave you what God gave you. Two ears and one mouth. So you listen twice As, and I think it’s important to listen to people. Yeah. So just kind of, and people. And people want to be heard too. So if you do listen and pay attention, uh, I know that she or he would appreciate that.

Absolutely. And that would, right? Yeah. Um, the next thing I think is important is listen to your inner self. Listen to your gut trust. But be honest with yourself with that. In other words, not, I don’t think likely a person that you’re gonna meet that’s gonna fit all of your criteria, most likely. If you find that person, great, right?

But if you’re not into the person or you’re feeling like something’s off, Then what with your gut? Go with go with your gut. Yeah. Break it up. Just break it up and, and again, be honest about it. You know, in the beginning of the episode we had spoken about, uh, things that you, you liken somebody or you don’t liken somebody, kind of figure out where you’re at.

And I wanna circle back and, and talk about more of a deeper characteristics. Right. You know, for an example, You know, it’s all, it’s not about money or looks, it’s more like, you know, sense of humor or do they have a great personality, good conversation. Right. Those things are a little bit deeper. Yeah. So there’s the want list, you know, the things that are your criteria, the don’t want.

Mm-hmm. And then I think what you’re saying is digging deeper, not just looking at, let’s just say looks and money as an example or, or you know, an age group, because those are, those are things that. Quantitative. Right? Right. You can figure it. It’s, it is what it is. But to dig deeper and look for that type of characteristic and personality that you want, you want somebody that’s intellectual that you can sit down and have intellectual conversations with.

I mean, I know for me that’s important. Uh, do you want somebody that has a great what sense of humor? Or is, uh, mature, you know, someone that takes life more seriously. Think about those things because as they say, the beauty kind of fades, right? But you’re left with the person’s substance. Who are they?

What is their character? Exactly. Yep. All right. And then next thing, what would be like, maybe another tip? Well, um, I think that, uh, sometimes chemistry. Sometimes it can be slow, and I think every, you have to be a little bit patient with it. Yeah. I mean, I think sometimes, uh, people grow on you or they grow away from you and don’t be so, uh, quick to rush into things or to dismiss the person.

Yeah. Or dismiss, give them a chance. I remember I had a friend growing up and her name, uh, I know I’ve been trying to find her. She’s, I don’t know. I can’t find her. I would love to reconnect. So, Danielle, if you’re listening, I would love, she was like my, she was my twenties girl. Do you understand? 20? Yeah.

It was back in the day of Madonna, big hair, eighties music, disco, my. Have so much fun. I mean like, just so much fun. Um, but she was so picky. She like, she would be on a date and the guy would look good, seem nice, whatever. I mean, cuz usually the person beforehand and then she’d come back. She goes, no, I don’t like, Like why?

And she’s like, I don’t know. I just didn’t feel it. And I was like, oh my gosh. I’m like, really? So eventually she did find somebody, she got married, but it took her a long time and mm-hmm. I think that taking a long time is important or not, you know, like we got married in four months. I wouldn’t recommend that.

For most people, um, because I think it’s really important that you do your due diligence and it worked out for us. But I think, I think it, I think it’s, uh, when you know, you know, uh mm-hmm. When you jump in, you jump in, but, uh, it was a little bit crazy. No, but I, I don’t think that the, the, what we should convey to the world.

To jump in. Okay. No, I don’t think that, I think you need to do your due diligence and that includes like understanding the person from different A aspects and you can’t do that in four months, my love. No, you can’t. You can’t. I mean, how are you gonna know about their family, their financial stability, their true personality, their kids, their friends?

You know their work. How, how do you know that in four months you don’t? For us, it worked out, but looking back, I was thinking if one of our kids came to us and said they, they met somebody and they were getting married that soon, we would say no. I mean, quite frankly, right. I mean, Well, we would, you know, we would say no with an open heart, meaning like, no, we don’t agree, we don’t know this person.

Um, and that’s a way that I think I wanna convey it to the listeners is to just do, in law we say you’re due diligence. You know, check the person out. And there is nothing wrong with doing a formal background check. I’m sorry, but you know what? Oh yeah. You had me, I had blood work for you with you. I had, uh, fingerprints.

No, I did, we did do some due diligence though. Come on. We did do some d do. Right? And you still married me? Yeah. But, um, There’s nothing wrong with that. I know. Okay. Seriously, you need to know this person. And you certainly, especially if you have children. I think that’s the next thing we wanna talk about.

Um, you know, looking back again in our relationship, we had four kids. You had one. I had three. What were, were you thinking? We weren’t. Um, but when do you introduce your children to this person? You know, when you’re dating them? That really depends. On, I think your children, where they are you, your relationship with your ex, um, feeling your gut as a mom, as a dad, right?

Yeah. I mean, uh, you have to make sure that they’re, they’re normal, they’re safe before you, you bring ’em around the kids. There is no normal. Well, that’s true. Right? Right. We always say that there is no normal what’s normal, but no, you really wanna know this person before you bring ’em around the kids.

And, and look, the kids know when you’re on dates, even when they’re not with you. If they’re a little bit meaning like they’re with the other, uh, parent, but they, they kind of know what’s. Not know when they’re younger, but they know, they see things. I, yeah, they, and they all, they all, they also say that the kids seem to have a, like a sixth sense about, uh, uh, your date.

You know, you bring ’em over and they’re like, mommy, I don’t like him. They, they, they may know something that you don’t know. Yeah. Or if the dog is growling at him or something. Maybe the dog knows something that you don. But there is another important point I wanna bring up, and I’m gonna use what happened in, in my situation, I was engaged as somebody before we got married.

Yes. Before we got engaged. And, uh, as, I’m not gonna say who it is, but, um, he was, as I say, not children friendly. Um, he had never had children. He was older, meaning that he probably in his early fifties at that point, and, um, And I had known this person for a long, I dated him when I was 20 and when I got divorced, he and I started dating again.

When I brought him around the children, I saw a different side to him. Um, he wasn’t children friendly. He didn’t, he lacked the patience that are required with children at the time. They were young and, uh, didn’t really want to put the time in on that. So that was a deal breaker for me for sure. Well, I think, uh, no judgment, uh, here, but if, if you do come across somebody in their latent life, in their fifties or something like that, that’s latent life.

Well, first, first single person, I think a single person maybe in their fifties or sixties. Uh, and if you’ve gone through a divorce, but they don’t have any kids, let’s say for an example, uh, that could be a part of your due diligence to, to find out a little bit more about them and why. Uh, either they’ve never been married or they have no kids, you know, well, maybe they choose not to correct.

You know, that was a choice. But it, I think what you’re saying, if I can clarify, do you mind? I don’t mind. Okay. Is cuz you, I’m used to it. Cause men, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Okay. So I So men try, I shouldn’t say that. Sometimes you jump to the conclusion or like the thought process is not as clear and I’m more.

Just wanna make sure that it’s clear. Yeah. I think what you’re saying is that there are certain clues, certain things, when you do your due D look through the list and you say, oh, well he’s old, say older in the sense of has never been married, has never had kids. That’s one of those due diligence that you wanna.

Little red flag goes. Red flag. That red flag, yeah. Goes up. Red flag. Right? Could be something else. You know, there could be other due diligence flags. Just take your time and check it out. You’re right. That that would certainly be something to to think about. Right. Right. And I did. And then I said, you’re not children friendly.

Goodbye. Well, no, I mean it’s, it is what it is, right? Kids gotta put them first. You know, since you said that, you know, when you are in a plane, they tell you to put your mask on yourself first, and then your children. So I think even though you say put your kids first, I think you really have to put yourself first.

Is that the next tip? Yes. Okay. I think that’s our final tip for today too, right? I think it’s the most important. Well, well it is. Um, I think what you’re saying is put yourself first, like, especially for those caretakers out there and those, uh, people pleasers and we should do an episode on people pleasing because it will wear you down.

Take care of yourself first. You know, make sure that your very first is you before you love somebody else, and I really mean that. Don’t neglect yourself. Take care of yourself mentally, physically, whatever that looks like, because in order for you test the divorce and on to your best life, you’ve got to make yourself number one.

And I know you have other responsibilities out there. You know, you have kids, you have work, you have obligations. You know, right now we have elderly family we’re dealing with as well. You have to put yourself first, right? Well, I think it’s very important that you set yourself up for success. And if you’re, you’re, you’re exercising, you’re eating healthy, you’re, uh, mental stimulation, whether it’s meditation or yoga, whatever it might be that you, you get into, uh, when yous.

Tough up for success. It’s, I think it’s very, very important. Yeah, it is. All right. So anything else about dating? Enjoy dating. You know, it’s, uh, especially for the, have married for a long time. I know. It’s scary. I know it’s different. It is a new world now for many of you, meaning the dating. Get help, meaning, you know, talk to your coach, talk to your life coach like us about it.

We help a lot of our clients dating and work through their own thoughts about it so that they can be the best, most open, um, available person that they can be and putting into play a lot of the things that we spoke about today. So if you. On any level after divorce, um, or during the divorce, don’t forget to reach out to us, cuz that’s what we do.

We do right now, one-on-one, we’re putting together an amazing program that’ll be, uh, for the world. But, uh, in the meantime, one-on-one coaching or therapy. You know, if you wanna do both, that’s even better. If you don’t wanna do either, just uh, make sure that you are in a good place emotionally. To get to your next life, to your best life, and it really can be your best life.

Okay, so I have a question first. Yes? Will you wanna go out on a date with me tonight? Actually, you know what we’re gonna do? What are we doing? Let’s go watch the Dolphins Play. Go Dolphins. All right, so for all of you Dolphin fans, I think we’re gonna go watch the do at a sports bar. We’re gonna enjoy ourselves.

We want you to have an amazing week yourself. And listen, remember, yes, you can have. Life after divorce. See you everybody. Bye. Have a great week.

You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching visit, At L A, that’s l a d as in life after Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day.

And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce course.

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