Hey there, my beautiful friends, and how are you? You know, I am so excited to be here with you and doing this episode today. I want you to know that after practicing law as a divorce attorney for over 27 years, I just feel so super blessed that I get to be here with you and hope and pray that you get.
to your most amazing life post divorce. You know, my true prayer for you is that you heal from your divorce sooner than later. And I get to share my knowledge with you that I’ve acquired as a lawyer and as a life coach, and having been through my own divorce and now remarriage, blended families, and also as a child of divorce, I wanna remind you that the lessons and things that.
Talk about, for the most part, are and can be applied to not just getting over and past your divorce and onto your most amazing life, but can be applied really to anything or most things going on in your life. You know, as a life coach, I’m going to focus on you and your future. We may look to the past to give insight into what you want to change, but the goal in life coaching is to help you to create the life you want and be focused, goal oriented, and driven.
Because my friend, you have what it takes to create the life you want. Really, you. There are a lot of materials out there that deal with getting over your ex and family law and such, but in life coaching, I want you to look inside yourself and to create your future, to regain the power and not let anyone else, including your ex, control who you are and what you can become.
So you can use these tools to get past the divorce, grow from it, and create an amazing, happy, and fulfilled life for yourself. Okay, so let’s get started. That was my pep talk, and really, I say it from my heart. I see you and I just want so. Much for you. What if I told you that your divorce could end up being one of the best things that could happen to you?
I’m Doreen Yaa, marital and family lawyer and certified life coach. I’ve been coaching and consulting women for over 26 years. I’ve seen it all. Now I’m sharing my expertise and my own personal experiences to help you turn a difficult time into your amazing divorce. So today I wanna talk about boundaries, what they really are and how we need them to help us to stop a lot of this wasted time and energy in our life so that we can instead use that time and energy to get stronger.
And of course, not let people walk or push us into things and or accepting things that we don’t want. And that includes, and it may sound a little bit, Things we don’t want to do internally. Internal boundaries are around what you want for yourself after divorce. And then I will discuss with you in the next episode about how you have boundaries with others.
What boundaries are, what they really should need, how you communicate them, and then of course, how you enforce them. There will be some overlap, of course, and so let’s keep that in mind. But today we’re gonna focus on what I call internal boundaries.
You know, going through your divorce was challenging. I so get that you likely are feeling like so beat up and tired and it will take some time to give things back to some semblance of normal, and that’s okay. Remember, yes you can. Most of you have been living in a past pretty predictable life, and so now we need to establish a new life.
And to do that, we have to start setting some clear boundaries. Boundaries on what we permit or is acceptable with others are life and boundaries with ourselves. So let’s start now with boundaries on you. Internal boundaries. It’s like you are going to be the boss of yourself, almost like you’re hovering over yourself, looking at yourself, thinking about like who you are, what you want, and really like visioning yourself, almost like outer body.
Listen, during the divorce, the breakdown of your marriage, you likely put yourself second or third behind the divorce and your ex and your kids and everything else that was going on. You know, you’re a good person and I know that you know, you probably questioned that. You questioned that during the breakdown of your marriage.
You questioned that during your divorce. You questioned that now, but you are, and I want you to consider these internal. So together you and I can get you to the next chapter of your amazing. We need to take care of you first, your health mentally and physically, and learn how to place your needs as a priority not to hurt others.
As we all know, you will be kind, but because to heal and grow, we need to place the focus on you. And guess what? You really do deserve this. So listen, give yourself a break, my dear, please. Because in order to help the other people in your life, whether it’s your children, your friends, your family, your coworkers, you have to first be okay.
You have my permission to do. You have to get strong and move forward first before you can be your best version for everyone else in your life.
Are you able to say no to things and people and stuff that you don’t want to spend your time into energy on? Why are so many of us unable to say no? Is it that we are afraid of what others will think of us? Most of the time, I would suggest that the answer is yes. Now, let me ask you a question. If you knew that you only.
Two weeks left to live. Wouldn’t you be more focused on assuring that you spent your time in a way that you wanted to spend your time? Look after you divorce, it is a super great time to clean everything out, your thinking and all the BS, and start to recreate yourself. One of the best ways I know to take care of yourself is by setting boundaries really.
So one, identifying your boundaries. Two, clearly communicating your boundary. Three, enforcing your boundaries. So I liked using what I call the cupcake example to explain boundaries within ourselves.
See, when my kids were little, they went to this amazing little school called Unity School in Delray Beach, and I love Unity. It was so great for them. Preschool to eighth grade, it’s a private school. This is going back some years ago. My friends. Because my girls are now 19, 21 and 23. Most of the moms at the school didn’t work outside the hu.
But my choice was to always have a career as a lawyer and to raise my girls, and that is what I did. That was my choice. Not perfect, but a choice. So one day I’m dropping the girls off, trying to rush in and. I remember specifically, I have this like intense trial starting that morning. I’ve got to get there, I’ve gotta get focused.
I’ve gotta meet with my client. And one of the moms stops me. She’s like in her little tennis outfit. So sweet, so cute. And she says, Hey, we’re having a bake sale on Friday and it’ll be really great if you could pitch it and bake something for it. Now what I was thinking, you know, with a smile on my face is like, oh shit, I don’t have time for.
I’m in the middle of this trial this week. I have to like focus in and any downtime that I have is gonna be to be with my girls to sleep or to like do whatever I have to do. And I certainly don’t wanna be baking cupcakes. And you know how it is. You can’t just be with a store and buy cupcakes, nowaday.
You have to like bake ’em from scratch and you have to be really careful about ingredients. And I get all that and I’m like, oh my God, really? But what came outta my mouth to her? Yeah, sure, no problem. Of course, I’ll help. When do you need ’em? So there am the next evening, stressed out, cursing the whole waved roof, trying to make these darn cupcakes.
Like, I don’t wanna be doing this right now, and I don’t have time for this. And why the hell did I say yes? This was a personal internal boundary issue with myself. I knew I didn’t have time to bake the cupcakes, but I couldn’t bring myself to say no. And remember that if I only had two weeks to live, would I be baking the cupcakes?
Wouldn’t I be like doing something else with my talent? Something I really wanted to do and needed to do for my future, for my life, for what I want? And I did it because I was so caught up in not wanting someone to think I was a bad mom, but that I couldn’t pitch in this way.
So I was like, mommy guilt and lawyer guilt, and then being with my husband, guilt and friend, guilt, like all this, guilt all the time. And the reality is it was just a result of my thoughts about what others would think of me if I said, no, I can’t do that right now. So I chose to make someone else or something else happy over my own needs over.
So silly when you think about it. What I needed to do, and what I encourage you to do, is to set these internal boundaries when you truly don’t want something to occur or to do something. Be strong. You don’t have to give excuses. You don’t have to explain, like in my situation, I’m in middle of trial, I’ve got a lot going on.
Just say it, just own it. Just say, I’m really grateful that you’re asking me to help with the bake sale and bake something, but I prefer not to do that. Can I offer assistance by maybe providing a donation or bringing in some waters or juice boxes? That’s it. No excuses. Own it. Own who you are, take care of yourself as number one.
Why not? I mean, why would you take care of someone else over yourself? So my point is that boundaries can be like an obvious, like someone hitting you or yelling at you. And I guess the world will probably mostly easily understand that those are clear boundaries that no one should cross. , but boundaries can be internal boundaries of what you need to set in your life so that you can reach the goals that you have, the way you want to spend your time.
You know if your time is best spent cuddling with your kids at night, or working out or creating a new idea, or for me working on a podcast. That it’s okay. It’s really okay to say no, but why not set boundaries of what you want to do and what you don’t think about that. Like if you don’t wanna make the freaking cupcakes, just maybe consider saying no.
Let’s figure out what you want to spend your time and energy on. That’s first step. Really think. I get that you have responsibilities and things that you think you have to do every day that you may not want to do, and some things that you want to do every day. So when I speak about eternal boundaries and saying no, what I mean is spending your time and effort and what’s important to you when you have your downtime, you know, is it just to take a nap?
Maybe go do some yoga, working out, create a new business plan, read a book, going back to school, redecorating your home, cleaning out your closet, um, whatever. Whatever you want, no matter how big or small to you and what you want, it’s okay. So given that there’s. About what? What is our, there’s 24 hours in a day and let’s just say eight hours of sleeping.
Now we’re at 16 hours. And then you have things you should do like work. And so let’s say that’s another eight hours. And so now we are down to eight hours and left. And then let’s say you have another three to four hours of things you think you should do, like dealing with the family, groceries and cooking and laundry and all these showering and all these things we.
About now you’re down to maybe only three or so hours a day left. You get to choose what you really wanna do in that three to four hours. What does it look like for you, my friend? Are you able to say no and place internal boundaries on the things that take away from that limited three to four hours a day that you have for your.
In many cases it might be less than that. It could be like an hour. So that’s what I have for you today. Are you able to look at the time you have and set boundaries on saying no to things that take you away from what you really want in your life, your happiness and your goals? Remember this like is not dress rehearsal.
I love you. Have an amazing day and know. Yes, you can see you next time. Thanks so much for listening. For tips, updates, and expert advice, be sure to visit your amazing divorce.com. And remember my friends, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce. See you. Views expressed by the participants of this program are their own and do not represent the views of, nor are they endorsed by Yaha Family Law Group or your Divorce Law Center, their respective officers, directors, employees, agents, or representatives.
The content of your amazing divorce is for entertainment and educational purposes only. None of the content on your amazing divorce should be considered legal advice, nor does anything herein create an attorney-client relationship. As always, consult a lawyer for your legal questions.
