Doreen: Hey, my beautiful friends and how are you? Today we’re gonna talk about talking to yourself about self-talk and about negative versus positive self-talk. This is episode number 91, and so if you are ready, let’s get started.
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.
Jeff: Hello there. How are you?
Doreen: I’m good. So today’s subject is going to be a little convoluted.
Doreen: I say that because I think that we, we really need to pay attention.
Jeff: All right?
Doreen: We have to pay attention to our thoughts, and I know you have some stats that you wanna share about thoughts in general and how many thoughts people have on a regular basis.
Jeff: And I don’t think people realize that these numbers are staggering on how many thoughts you can actually have in one day or one minute.
Doreen: So tell us.
Jeff: Well, Google says that we have an average of 48 thoughts per minute. Now that comes out.
Doreen: 48 thoughts per minute. How is that possible?
Jeff: Well, you know, the mind is amazing, but we have almost 70,000 thoughts per day. Now here’s where the stats get interesting and I’m not trying to be sexist or anything, but the average man speaks anywhere between 2000 and 3000 thoughts per day.
Speaks out loud to other people or on the phone or whatever it is.
Doreen: Thoughts that they’re having.
Jeff: Women, 10,000 to 20,000 thoughts per day. So I’m not suggesting women speak more than men. That’s not, but I’m just saying this is what the statistics is saying.
Doreen: Well, this is what the Googles are telling you.
Jeff: This is what the Googles are telling me.
Jeff: So, don’t hold that against me. So that leaves, let’s say 60,000 thoughts per day that we are speaking to ourselves.
Doreen: Right. That we’re not verbally telling another person.
Doreen: That we’re internal self-talk.
Jeff: You know, whether it’s I have to do this today, or I feel this today, or whatever the case might be.
Self-talk 60,000 per day.
Doreen: Okay. That’s a lot of thoughts.
Jeff: I think so.
Doreen: So when we talk about thought work, we’re talking about, I mean the, the prime model concept that we use is that you have a circumstance, it could be your divorce, and then you have a thought about something that triggered you a circumstance.
It could be somebody saying something, it could be something you read in an email. It could be.
Jeff: Just what you’re going through.
Jeff: It could be sickness, it could be whatever.
Doreen: Many things, right? So you have a thought, and then from that thought, generally you’ll have some kind of a feeling.
Doreen: Sometimes positive, sometimes not, sometimes negative, right?
Doreen: And then you’ll either do something, so that’s the action, right?
Jeff: Or not do anything.
Doreen: Not do something
Jeff: Which is also an action.
Doreen: Right. The choice not to do something which will then create the results you have in your life.
So what we’re trying to convey to you today is that your self-talk is so important because if your thoughts in reality create the results or the lack of results in your life, then you gotta monitor your thoughts.
Jeff: Well, that’s real. And in that model that we just went over, I think the second part, the thought is the one thing that we have the most control over.
Doreen: Exactly. But most of us don’t think about our thoughts. Does that make sense? We just go through our day on kind of an autopilot having, as you said, what is it, 47 thoughts generally in a minute.
Jeff: In a minute.
Doreen: Okay. There’s a lot of thoughts, but we’re not thinking about the thoughts we’re having.
So what we’re trying to teach today is about really thinking about your thoughts. You know, most of us don’t even realize that the thoughts we’re having are so destructive to who we are. Right? And when you can become aware of your own thoughts, You get to be conscious about them and you, it can be very subtle, you know, meaning you can have big thoughts about something, and it’s kind of obvious that whatever thought you’re having is not good. It’s negative, it’s terrible. It’s, you know, it’s not helpful. But there’s so many little subtle thoughts that you have that you don’t understand, you don’t realize that also can play a big role in the results in your life.
Doreen: And we know that our listeners going through divorce and post divorce, they’re dealing with a lot of thoughts, a lot of changes, a lot of what we call circumstances that come along with it.
Jeff: Yeah, I mean on average it’s 48 thoughts per minute.
Doreen: Oh! I thought it was 47.
Jeff: Well, 48, 49.
Doreen: No, no, no.
Jeff: But what, well, my my point, my point was if you’re going,
Doreen: Did I get it wrong?
Jeff: No, cuz my point is if you’re going through a divorce, that’s an average. So you may be having 70 thoughts a minute.
Doreen: Right? True.
Jeff: Cause you got so much on your mind, going through so much it could be doubled.
Doreen: You know, and you gave me a good recommendation today cuz I’m having some thoughts about things and they’re not serving me right now about not having enough time to focus in on certain things that I’m creating, you know, in our businesses and kind of getting in the sense of the feeling based on these thoughts of overwhelm.
And so you gave me some good advice earlier you said go for a walk. You said put, get away from your desk.
Jeff: Put it down.
Doreen: Put it down. Forget about, understand your thoughts and kind of refocus them, right? Because your current circumstance will trigger thoughts, and sometimes just giving yourself a break and taking a deep breath and just navigating away from it will help you to refocus your thoughts.
Jeff: I think that’s what we really need to start doing is studying and analyzing our thoughts more.
Doreen: And we do, we do. Especially when we’re dealing with a circumstance like divorce.
Doreen: Right. So, and like I said, sometimes it can be very subtle. I’ll have a client say to me something like, I want to get better at moving past my divorce and I like to point out when you say, I want to get better at getting past your divorce, the underlying thought there is that you’re not good enough at getting on or past your divorce. It’s very, very subtle. It sounds innocent, right?
Jeff: It does.
Doreen: If they say, you know, I want, I want to get better at moving past my divorce.
Of course, that sounds like, that sounds lovely, right? Of course, we all wanna get better at moving past our results, but without understanding that the thought is perpetuating the idea that you’re not already good at it. You’re not already good at moving on with your life.
Jeff: Yeah, I’m sure we can come up with a million examples, like I want to get in better shape.
That’s saying I’m not in good shape right now.
Jeff: Yeah, it’s very subtle.
Doreen: So we really have to think as if we’re already getting the results that we want. So we call that basically living as your future self. So, thinking that you’re already moving on with your life after divorce and what that looks like for you.
Like visualize it, break it down. Maybe it’s just one aspect that you wanna create a better life after divorce. Like something, think of what it would feel like, look like, smell like if you already had that result in your life. Can you imagine yourself there? Because wanting to, I want to is not living in your future self.
Right? But if you can imagine yourself already there, and what would that feel like? How would you act? How would you show up? Right.
Jeff: That’s right. You know, one of the most common laws that are out there when describing something about what we’re talking about is the law of attraction. That was a big movie quite, you know, quite a few years ago but it really, really took precedence and people’s minds that when you focus on something it will become. What you focus on.
So the law of attraction, it’s kind of like a philosophy that suggests positive thoughts, bring positive results in your life. And it could be anything. It could be relationships, finances health, but also the opposite can happen too. If you focus on negative things, negative things are gonna come into your life,
Jeff: So the law of attraction is incredibly important. Almost like we talk a lot about positive affirmations. You know, when we, every morning we do our affirmations when we wake up and those lead to positive thoughts and positive results.
But I think what negative self-talk is, it’s almost like negative affirmations. You can just, the opposite could happen.
Doreen: Right. So when you’re trying to attract a better grief, so the law of attraction and when you’re trying to attract to yourself a better life after divorce. You should be thinking things like, I am very good at attracting a great life after divorce, or something like, I attract a great life very easily.
A happy life is attracted to me. It seems so subtle to say I am versus I want to.
Doreen: But the I am is what makes the huge difference. Right. Already living there already knowing that you are doing it because you are doing it.
Jeff: You know, this may seem to a lot of our listeners a little bit what’s the word? Hokey
Jeff: You know, a little bit out there, but you know, what have you got to lose?
Jeff: You know, what have you had to lose? Really?
Doreen: It’s kind of like, you know where we were when we went through our divorces, right? Like, we were able to get past our divorce onto a better life. Right? And back then when we both got divorced, we weren’t as involved in thought work as we are today, but I think we both could have reached the better place, whatever that is for you sooner if we would’ve known that these subtle differences in thought work.
So you have to pay attention to those thoughts, the subtle thoughts that seem positive, and ask yourself, if I already had the result that I’m seeking, would I be thinking this thought? Right?
Jeff: And, and you know what you do, a lot that I really kind of ties into this is, working backwards. So if in other words, if you say, I already am in great shape, you’re beginning with the end in mind.
So you see yourself already there.
Doreen: Correct. I, for me it works, like I am a person that like has to visualize and really embrace whatever that future is that I’m looking for, whatever it happens to be, whether it’s with the family, whether it’s with work, whether it’s with our relationship, whatever it is, may the relationship with myself, I have to visualize it, I have to try to live in it.
And when I find myself not there, like having negative thoughts or questioning myself, doubting myself, you know, telling myself all this negative self-talk about how I’m not doing it right. You know, whatever it is. That’s when you tell me to go take a walk. Right?
Jeff: I could see it in your face.
Yes. It’s time to take, you know, put things aside. Go, go, go do some positive thinking on a walk or whatever it is. Go to the gym, whatever.
Doreen: Yeah, because sometimes, you know, it’s okay depending on, you know, what you do for a living and you know, whatever. I guess restrictions or requirements you have in your job or your family or whatever that looks like, you know, sometimes I feel like it’s better for me personally just to put the work aside as long as it doesn’t become a habit and say, you know what, I’m kind of done for the day. Like this is just not positive and I need to, it’s better to refocus, take that time out, come back tomorrow than to stay in that negative self-talk and, and cuz I’m not creating anything wonderful at that point.
So, let me give you some, let me give our listeners some other examples. And remember, this is how you talk to yourself, right? The self-talk. So these will be sentences in your mind that you are saying to yourself. So as you know, a person that studies awareness of what you’re saying to yourself.
Be aware of it, right?
Jeff: Be conscious of it.
Doreen: And this is a skillset that you have to develop, but we also want you to recheck your awareness. That’s what we’re trying to say, because what I’ve noticed with some clients is they’re saying these thoughts out loud, and I can tell the reason they’re saying them out loud is because they think they’re true.
And the reason that they think they’re true is because they’ve thought them so many times. You know, everybody can identify with either yourself doing this or a friend or someone you know, doing it. It’s that constant negative, like thought in your brain, like a common one is on fat.
I’ll never have a great body. You know, I’ll never find someone that I’m compatible. I’ll never remarry again. Like that’s a common one.
Jeff: I’ll never be able to afford that car.
Doreen: Yeah. Those types of things. And those are the thoughts that are more obvious, right? They’re super like, usually super negative.
They are direct you like you get it right? But the subtle ones is the examples I really wanted to talk about. So the first one, is something like I need to get better at or I’m going to get better at it sounds so innocent, doesn’t it?
Doreen: But the underlying thought is I’m not good enough at it yet.
So don’t tell yourself I want to get better at something. Right. The next one I hear we or we hear a lot is I’m trying to.
Doreen: I’m trying to, and then you just fill it in. Right? But I’m trying to, and then like I say, put anything in after it is what you’re trying to do. Then ask yourself how you feel.
It’s not going to be good when you say that, don’t try to do anything, just do it. So, saying I’m trying is something, it’s very subtle. Feel the difference. Put that in the T line, the thought line, and feel the difference between the two thoughts, which is, I am doing it or I’m trying to do it.
Jeff: I just thought of another one that’s pretty strong.
Jeff: How many people say I wish I.
Doreen: Oh, right. The, I wish I.
Jeff: Yeah, I wish I, or that island that people live on, that’s someday I’ll.
Doreen: Yeah. Someday I’ll do this. Just those are the subtle, negative thoughts. How about I’m working on it. Yeah. And then you put like, I’m working on it, getting a better life.
A lot of times I’ll hear our clients just say things like, I’m just not good at something. Like, I’m just not good at moving on. Again, like it’s a fact. Even if it’s true that you’re not good at something, change the thought or move on from it. I’m gonna give you an example. I’m not good at singing, but I don’t dwell on that because it’s not important to me. Like it’s, it’s not something that is like part of my life, right? So I can have a negative thought about something that maybe I’m not good at, but that’s okay.
I can accept that just move on from it, right?
Doreen: If it’s important to you, like if I wanted to be a singer, then I would have to get good at it, right? But I, we all know we don’t want me doing this.
Jeff: Well, I’ve heard you sing. And I think you exaggerate. You’re not good at it. So just that little bit right there, you know.
Doreen: Oh, that’s true.
Jeff: Yeah, it does.
Doreen: That’s true.
Jeff: It’s all in the eye.
Doreen: So either get good at something or just don’t talk about it anymore. Right. Just move on from it.
Jeff: Or also what you can do is think about how much you enjoy singing. Whether it no matter what it sounds like. Right? You know, if you enjoy the singing, go for it.
Doreen: They’re one another one that’s like innocent or subtle, I should say. Sometimes they’ll say, something like, I’m so much better than I used to be at blank, blank, blank. So, when you say I’m better than I used to be, you are identifying with your past self as opposed to your future self. Right.
Jeff: Okay. I was gonna say, that doesn’t sound as bad as I’m not that good right now, or I want to get better.
Doreen: Well, you can let that thought go.
Doreen: That I’m better now than I used to be. And just say I’m mastering whatever it is.
Doreen: I’m learning how to instead of I’m better than. Does that right?
Doreen: Yes. Okay. It’s like almost when you say, I’m getting it. I’m mastering it, I’m doing it, versus I’m better than I used to be. You feel the subtle difference, almost like you could feel it in your gut.
Jeff: I do.
Doreen: And again, that’s just, this is a complicated thought, subject exercise. Subject. Yeah. You know, it just requires practice. That’s like anything
Jeff: I recommend that our listeners listen to this podcast a few times because even the, some of the things that you’ve already said, I’d like to hear ’em again just so they reiterate in my mind and mind again and again.
Doreen: It’s true. And of course we’re available if they wanna coach with us one-on-one because we could help you with all of these skills, right.
Jeff: Well, well also sometimes it takes a coach to re become, what’s the word? Realize what you are saying to yourself, the realization of it all.
Doreen: Right. So, you know, and the reality is that many changes can happen in an instant, in a decision.
You don’t have to wait. It doesn’t have to take a bunch of time. It can just be done. Some people think it’s gonna take a long time, for example, to get over the divorce, or it’s going to take a long time for me to blink. Put a whatever you want in there from the divorce. Why would you wanna have the thought that it’s going to take you a long time?
You see the subtle difference? I’m having a better life today. You have the choice of looking at your divorce. How did I say that?
Doreen: I all of a sudden have, I had some strange accent that just came out.
Jeff: It’s kind of cute.
Doreen: It’s kind of weird.
Doreen: But you can list and have all the negative things that happened as a and are happening and how you think about your divorce. You could list those all down, but you could just as easily have the positive list and you could choose to think the positive, because I know that there are positive things that have happened as a result of your divorce.
One of ’em is you don’t have to share the television at night. You know, you can watch any series you want. You probably don’t need to prepare food the same way, right? I mean, you don’t have to put makeup on that day, or maybe you just wanna schlep around all day. You don’t have to impress anybody at your house, right?
There’s so many good things. Those are some silly examples, but you know what I’m saying.
Jeff: Well, you know, one thing that I think that is very important is that people write down their positive affirmations and read them every morning. Cuz what we’re saying to do is simple but not easy.
Jeff: You know, because we’re trained to think a certain way by, you know, media and news and whatever. All the things that are Yeah. All the upbringing, everything that’s coming every day. Yeah.
Jeff: So write your affirmations down, whatever they might be, and say them in the every, every day.
Doreen: And I also, yes, for sure. I would just, something else came to mind that a lot of our clients seem to be wanting to discuss what’s wrong with them. Like I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. I’m trying to figure out why I can’t do this or why I can’t do that. Let’s get off the, what’s wrong with me?
Merry go. Merry go round, whatever it is, and get on the what’s right with you because there’s a lot right with you. You are perfect just the way you are. You don’t have to look for errors in yourself. You are a hundred percent amazing right now, and you always have been. There’s really, truly nothing to fix.
Look at the positive because you, my friend, have a lot of positive in your life.
Jeff: That’s a positive affirmation right there.
Doreen: It sure is. So let’s get on the what’s right with me after the divorce mindset and let’s see if that will help to bring more movement in your life, right?
Jeff: And let’s say I am versus I wish I was, or I would like to be or I want to be.
Doreen: Exactly. You wanna start being the person that has the things that you want to create in your life. So ask your brain to monitor what it’s saying to yourself and when you notice yourself saying things that you wouldn’t be saying if you had the result already. Stop saying those things to yourself and pay attention to your mind.
The 40, how many,
Jeff: 48 thoughts per minute.
Doreen: Per minute. Create your future and talk to yourself like you are my friend, the most precious, amazing, awesome person in the world. Because you are.
Jeff: And remember, you hold the key to the door of your own mind. So protect that door and let the thoughts in that you want to let in.
Doreen: Correct. All right. All right. Have an amazing week because you are amazing and love yourself. Be kind to others and we will talk to you next week.
Doreen: Bye everyone.
Jeff: You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com. That’s L A D as in life after divorce dash coaching.com.
Doreen: Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.