Ep. 92 – How to Reinvent Yourself After Divorce

Doreen: Hey, my beautiful friends, and how are you? So today we’re gonna talk about divorce and how it forces you toreinvent yourself, but we’re gonna go past that. We’re gonna talk about the things that you are forced into having to change, and the things that you can change to make yourself and your future, what you’ve always dreamed it could be. So this is episode number 92, and if you are ready, let’s get started.

Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

Doreen: Hey, my friends and Hey, Jeff.

Jeff: Hello. How are you?

Doreen: I’m great. Good. What’s going on?

Jeff: I’m great too. Well.

Doreen: Well, at this moment when we’re doing our episode, we always feel energized and really fun stuff to do for us and we love it.

Jeff: Yeah, I do love this stuff. I love it.

Doreen: Yeah.

Jeff: So, I guess in two weeks we have a graduation to go to. We do. Our middle daughter Megan, is graduating from Walford College and so we’re so, so excited about that. Everybody will be going, including my ex Sam, and we are actually sharing a car from the airport and we’re actually on the same plane.

I got him the tickets, the ticket for his, airfare and my mom is going and then he got the car. You know, because that’s what co-parenting is about. Like we just always strive to really work together and accommodate and make each other’s lives easier for the benefit of our kids.

Jeff: Yeah. It’s almost to the point where I don’t even. I kind of, who are we talking about when you say your ex and I consider him a friend.

Doreen: Yeah,

Jeff: He’s a friend of ours.

Doreen: You probably shouldn’t, I should just say Sam but our listeners wouldn’t know. So I have a super amazing relationship. We have a super amazing relationship with Sam, and I encourage for all of you going out there that have children or even if you don’t there’s something to be said for really trying to find a place of peace with your ex, not only for yourself and for your ex, but also for your children, and because it makes life a lot easier to work together.

Jeff: Yes, knowing we can count on him does come in handy quite often and he can always count on us.

Doreen: Absolutely. A hundred percent. So that’s kind of fun.

Jeff: Yeah.

Doreen: And I’m trying to think of what else is going on.

Jeff: What else is going on?

Doreen: Oh, I know something really nice coming up this mother’s day, but we’ll talk more about that. For all the moms who are out there dealing with divorce. I know it, it gets kind of weird, you know, when you’re dealing with your first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and all that. I always got a present for Sam from the girls or made sure they did something and I always sent a Happy Father’s Day to him always.

And I know you do as well.

Jeff: Yes. And that could be a little bit of a tip that you can not bury the hatchet, but you know, make amends or get a little brownie points for friendship by helping your children do something for your ex.

Doreen: Absolutely.

Jeff: I mean, whether it’s Father’s Day or Mother’s Day.

Doreen: Because what you’re trying to do after divorce is you’re really trying to, you know, put everything back together, but children learn from what they see you do from your action, not from your words. We spoke about that recently. And so the act of kindness in showing caring for someone who is their father, who is their mother, is something to consider. But anyhow, so we’ll talk about that more.

Jeff: Sounds like a podcast episode to come.

Doreen: It does. It does, it does. So today we’re gonna talk about reinventing ourselves. After divorce and what that looks like. And the first thing we wanna tell you is about your brain. You wanna talk about the brain? We love talking about the brain.

Jeff: Well, as we all know, the brain hates change. We’re always resistant to change.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: And of course when you’re going through a divorce or life after divorce, you’re almost forced into this change.

Doreen: Well, you are forced.

Jeff: Well, yeah, not almost, I guess you are.

Doreen: Right, but you’re right. I mean, that’s the brain. Naturally, if you study how the brain operates, it is there to protect you.

It is there to take the path of least resistance. So it tends to tell you without you knowing, right?

Jeff: Mm-hmm.

Doreen: That don’t try this new thing because it’s scary, it’s unknown, and even though I, you don’t like what’s going on over here. It’s okay to stay here. It’s better to stay here because it’s known. So it’ll give you all kinds of excuses not to reinvent yourself.

Jeff: Well, I also think that I, you know, maybe if you looked at it as a chance to reinvent yourself, you’ll look at the divorce in a different light.

Doreen: Well, one of the things I made a note on today I wanted to talk about was that there are positive things that happen. As a result of the divorce, people hear the word divorce and they automatically think of the negative.

And I get that. I understand that, but that’s society telling us all that divorce is bad. Look, nobody goes into a marriage or hopefully nobody goes into a marriage thinking I’m going to be divorced. Right? We go on with the intention of staying married and we take certain vows in that respect. But you know, divorce sometimes happens, people grow apart and it doesn’t have to be always negative.

Yes, it’s going to hurt, it’s going to be sad. You’re going to have to change. But there is sometimes positive things that happen as a result, and one is the opportunity to change. The opportunity to reinvent yourself, because most of the time people do not sit down and consciously think about reinventing themself, which what we mean by that is looking at your life, looking at what you’re doing, looking at the different areas of who you are, and deciding on purpose who you want to be.

Do you wanna stay where you are and get better at doing like me? Do I just wanna be a lawyer and just stay being a lawyer and be a really good lawyer. Do I want to expand and reinvent myself to something else? And that’s one of the reasons that I’m doing this podcast, right? So divorce gives you the opportunity to really do this, what I’ve called before, an audit on your life.

And what happens is, as I said, most people, when you go through a divorce, don’t look at the total package of who they are. In other words, you’re forced into changes. So that’s part of the reinvention, right? You’re forced into being single. You’re forced into sharing time with your children. The divorce pushes you potentially to sell your house.

What other things might happen?

Jeff: Get a job. Change your careers. It could be, you know, like you said, give up half of what you used to have.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: So, it could be a tough time. And one thing I wanna make clear is that reinvention is not necessarily self-improvement. It’s not a slow self-improvement process.

It’s redoing yourself from the ground up.

Doreen: Okay.

Jeff: In other words, you are deciding on what you want to do, what you want to be, and starting all over again. It’s a reinvention,

Doreen: Right. Yeah. And, and one of the things that I think is important when you look at that is, well, let me go back first. The first thing is reinventing yourself because of things that have to happen that are happening because of the divorce, like we just said, right?

But then there’s the other part that maybe it’s your career or maybe it’s some hobby that you’re doing, or maybe it’s going back to school, that the divorce hasn’t forced you into that decision. Right? But it’s a time where you can say, look, I’m already doing all these other things. I’m already having to make all these changes, so why don’t I consider really from the ground up, what else I want my life to look like in the future?

Jeff: Okay. Well, let’s, let’s take a step backwards a little bit and start when we were born, you know, when it’s almost like society has given us a direction that we’re supposed to go in. For an example, you start off in kindergarten, you go to first grade, second grade, you get married, you have kids, you buy a house, and it’s almost we’re programmed to have a certain lifestyle.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: A certain way we go.

Doreen: Yeah. I mean, you have to think about that. Either we’ve been programmed by society or by our family or other influencers in our life when we’re young and we kind of keep going in the certain direction. And even as we get older, there’s certain societal expectations of people, right?

Jeff: Right.

Doreen: But this is where we’re suggesting in this episode, where, what do you want? What really turns you on? What really lights your fire? What really sparks you? Where do you see yourself? And why not go there? Right. We understand that our brain’s gonna tell us not to.

Especially, I know, Jeff, you wanted to talk about this when you’re comfortable. In other words, if you have a good job and you’re making good money and you like your job and you like your coworkers, you’re enjoying your career, you’re saying to your, your brain will say to you what?

Jeff: You’re comfortable.

Doreen: Stay there.

Jeff: Stay there.

Doreen: Right?

Jeff: Why change?

Doreen: But when you dig deep, the question is this a job that you always thought you would have and you wanna continue have for whatever period of years you’re gonna continue to work? Is that really you? Is that who you are? Is that the essence of you?

Jeff: You know, also another thought that I’ve had with when it comes to society and what we’re taught and what we’re trained to accept is accept what you have.

Doreen: Wait, wait. These are all what slogans or things you hear.

Jeff: Just thoughts that you hear from society. For an example, don’t want for more.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: Be at peace. Be in the present moment. Don’t push yourself.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: Don’t hustle. Don’t get stressed.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: You know, et cetera. Just relax and enjoy your life.

Doreen: Right. In other words, be in the present moment, like you said. But if you’re going to recreate yourself, you have to get out of that comfort zone. We’re not suggesting that you don’t have moments that and times in your life where you’re relaxing and you’re chill and you’re in the present moment, but there’s a balance between that and creating a life on purpose that makes you really like we say blows your mind.

Jeff: Yeah. And not to get too heavy, but people putting themselves in harm’s way has made the impossible possible.

Doreen: Right. I mean, think about all the things that we have. You know, I’m looking in the room that we’re recording and we have a television mounted on the wall.

If somebody didn’t get out of their comfort zone and say, Hey, wait. There could be a box in which we could transmit whatever it is. You probably know better than me, Jeff. And then we could see programs and other people recorded in a studio. We would never have that. Right.

Jeff: Right.

Doreen: There’s so much that you can create in your life, and not only for yourself, but for the world

Jeff: Or the right brothers that thought, Hey, I want to fly like a bird one day.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: Imagine with the looks they got.

Doreen: And when you think about the possibilities, for yourself and you start to get some resistance which will come up. It requires you to really do intellectual work, to dig deeper, to imagine something that you didn’t know how to imagine and believe something you don’t know how to believe, yet you have to really push your brain to expand.

Jeff: Now imagine, that you’re starting your life over again.

Doreen: Well, they are

Jeff: They are.

Doreen: In some ways

Jeff: I’m not talking about just from what they’re forced into the divorce.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: I’m forced over. If you wanted to do a clean slate, a clean slate, what would you ask yourself? Would you ask yourself? What would you want to do right now?

What would you redecide your life to be like? How could you rediscover the power within you? Is your power being utilized or underutilized? You know?

Doreen: Right. And you know, that’s the thing so much. We have the ability to do so much more than many of us do. And so that’s what we’re trying to suggest is that, what is your power, right?

Jeff: Yeah. Your imagination, your beliefs, and your energy. You know, imagine the power you’re not using in those things

Doreen: And question what you have in your life now. Take a hard look at it, you know, look at your future and use your wildest imagination to dream, to really imagine, to see the possibilities because this is not a dress rehearsal. We have one life to live here on Earth. That’s it. You don’t, most of us want to be in regret later in life. I could have, should have, would have. We don’t wanna say that. What we want to say most of us is that we really lived a life on purpose doing what we wanted to do. Most of us don’t do that to the extent that we really imagine or dream of. Because we’re afraid. We’re afraid of failure.

Jeff: When you think about your new future and you create it in your mind, The law of Attraction says that you will become what you’re thinking about, so, use that power to recreate your future and you will become what your future self is saying.

Doreen: Right. And when we talk about that, because that does sound a little hokey, right?

Is that, and this is just not the simple law of attraction, it’s about living as your future self, like really being that person. What would that person. Who is now you, in your mind, how would they act? How would they speak? How would they show up? What would they wear? You know, everything down to the details as much as you can.

Like if I was already that person, how would I be? You and I did this the other day, right? You were dealing with a client on an issue.

Jeff: Yes.

Doreen: Not a life coaching client, but a real estate person client.

Jeff: Okay.

Doreen: And person. And there was a conversation and I suggested to you what, take a step back and respond from that future self.

Jeff: Right.

Doreen: You are a person that already this deal is done. It is a closed deal, the buyer and the seller are happy. Everything worked out. You have, you know, another hundred opportunities to sell listings. Like this is just one that is beautiful to have, but you don’t need it because you’ve got a hundred more in the works.

Jeff: Right.

Doreen: How would that person respond? Right?

Jeff: Exactly. I mean, I was definitely redirecting my thoughts into what I really wanted, the outcome of the future to be.

Doreen: And responding from that place of that future stuff.

Jeff: Exactly

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: Because my present, this is kind of heavy again, but my present self. Was really thinking about my future self.

Doreen: Well, and you were reacting to words.

Jeff: Right.

Doreen: Instead of responding with thought.

Jeff: Exactly.

Doreen: Right. The immediate, you know, knee jerk reaction. And when you took a moment to just take a step back and think about your future self and how you see yourself, it all came together.

Jeff: Yeah. And by the way, it worked out great.

Doreen: It did work out great. Congratulations.

Jeff: Well, thank you.

Doreen: Thank you. So anyhow, what are you, our listeners going to do with your opportunity that the divorce has given you to reinvent your life? Whatever that looks like, take the time to think about that. Really take the time to give yourself the kindness, the love, the opportunity to be the person that you want to be.

Jeff: You know, and a lot of thoughts are gonna come up, you know, for you .

Doreen: When you’re thinking about your possible future and reinventing yourself, right?

Jeff: Yeah. It requires that you dream in such a way that almost terrifies you or, and blows your mind and hurt, kind of hurts your brain a little bit, and you have to get rid of these limiting belief systems, so that you can experience what’s really possible for your life.

Doreen: And for some of you out there, and I can relate to this, is sometimes you really have to give up. We talked about this at the beginning, something that’s extremely comfortable. And known, you know, I have moved my career from being a litigator to restructuring my firm to now being a life coach.

And I have another business that will be opening shortly also related to divorce. And it’s scary because why would I give up this amazing law firm practice that I’ve developed for 28 years in order to potentially have something else. And the reason is because I’m reinventing myself. The reason is because I want something more.

And it is risky. It is risky. But what is the downside of not taking the risk, being complacent? For me, that’s not an opportunity. That’s not the way I personally want to live. And for those of you that are very comfortable out there, comfort is amazing if you are truly comfortable for the right reasons, right?

Jeff: Yeah. I mean, you might be comfortable, but you’re still missing out on, a potential.

Doreen: That’s what you have to question.

Jeff: And as you become this person, the world changes. Cuz here’s how it works. You don’t change your world and then you change. What happens is you change you and the world around you changes.

Doreen:  Well, isn’t that beautiful? It’s so true though. It’s very true. Oh, I like that.

Jeff: You like that?

Doreen: Yeah.

Jeff: Let’s put on a bumper sticker.

Doreen: People don’t really use bumper stickers anymore.

Jeff: I know. I’m how old I am.

Doreen: Yeah. Yeah. You’re showing your age. All right, everybody.

Jeff: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I also want to throw it out there that anybody reaches me through our website.

I would love to talk to you about reinventing yourself, and I guarantee our session will blow your mind.

Doreen: Yeah, and it’s a complimentary session.

Jeff: It’s a complimentary session.

Doreen: Done in confidence, so you know, why not give us a call and see what we can do to help you move through your life after divorce to an amazing place sooner than later.

Jeff: That’s right.

Doreen: All right, we’ll talk to you.

Jeff: Bye everybody.

Doreen: Have an amazing week. Bye.

Jeff: Bye-Bye.

You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com. That’s L A D as in life after divorce-coaching.com.

Doreen: Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day and remember. Yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.