Ep. 95 – Why embracing your divorce might be the thing to do…

Doreen: Hey everyone, how are you? Today we’re gonna talk about embracing challenges in life and specifically the challenges that go along with divorce, but what we’re gonna talk about today really applies to anything that you want in life. So if you are ready, let’s get started with episode number 95.

Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire as partners, both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

Hey Jeff.

Jeff: Hey, how are you?

Doreen: I always laugh cuz you, you know how I am. You’ve been with me for a while today.

Jeff: No, we, we haven’t seen each other for two hours.

Doreen: Oh! I think it’s like two seconds.

Jeff: I miss you.

Doreen: Oh, I miss you too. So let’s see what’s going on with our life. Well, we just finished graduation.

Jeff: Congratulations, Megan.

Doreen: Megan, our middle daughter who just graduated from Wafford College with a degree. Well they call it

Jeff: A, a degree in Bachelor’s of Science and Arts.

Doreen: No, not that I’m talking about that she hasn’t yet completed her studies because she’s still in Argentina and they’re on a different schedule.

Right. So she’s eligible basically for a degree in science. She’s going on to veterinarian school at Auburn. Yay. And she also is going to be getting a degree in Spanish, so hence she’s in Argentina. Oh, what does that mean? Oh, congratulations to my girl. Yeah. Yeah. We’re gonna go visit her next week.

Jeff: Yes.

Doreen: We’ll spend a week in Argentina, but we will be coming to you with our podcast episode and it’ll be fun. So the other thing is, my mom’s been in the hospital, so some of what we’re talking about today is you know, challenges that you go through in life. My mom is, In her eighties and to make a long story short, she’s gonna be fine.

Jeff: I think all of our podcasts have to deal with something that happened in our lives and yeah, we can relate to. I mean tell me a little bit about some of the challenges that you go through. And because we’re talking about loving the challenges, and I think reason you’re so successful in everything you do is because not only do you embrace the challenges, but you kind of look forward to them.

Doreen: Well, I, I do, I mean, I, I wanna talk about enjoying the tough times that go along with divorce and after divorce. And I can relate because my parents went through a divorce. They were divorced when I was five, and my mom was a single mom. And I put myself through school and I left my house very early and, you know, went, basically became a self-made person.

And I run three businesses and one of which is launching soon. So get ready on that one but I guess when you go through challenges in your life, it, it’s kind of just goes along with the territory. In other words you just kind of embrace it. And I have always not, I have really, I don’t shy away from a challenge especially when it comes to being an entrepreneur, a good lawyer, challenges to my own personal stuff that I wanna accomplish. Like I’m in the middle of doing weight training right now and it’s challenging, but it’s fun, you know, lifting a little more each time and getting stronger. So the question for my listeners, for our listeners is, how are you embracing the challenges that are coming to you from divorce?

Or anything else that you want in your life? Are you a person that shies away from challenge or you a person that embraces challenge? Because I can tell you that you know, your brain is gonna tell you that any challenge that you want, anything that you want, that’s gonna be hard not to do it. It’s better to go sit on the couch and eat a bag of popcorn, drink a bottle of Chardonnay, and watch Netflix all night long because it’s easy.

Right?

Jeff: Exactly.

Doreen: So if you’re avoiding challenges in your life, including the challenge of the divorce, think about how long do you wanna stay stuck where you are, and what do you want your life to look like? Do you wanna have a big life, a full life, a happy life, a life where you can look back at my mom’s age and say, you know what, I really can honestly say that I’ve lived the life that I wanted and that I pushed myself.

I’d like to say, I’ve said this a few times in my podcast, the biggest, I think one of the saddest things in life wouldn’t be that you failed at the challenge that you are considering, but that you never took the chance to even see if you could get there to make it. I think that’s sadder.

Jeff: Yeah. And I know you said pushed yourself and I think you still push yourself today.

Doreen: Every day.

Jeff: Every day.

Doreen: I mean, I’m going through some things in business right now and, and I’ve been, you know, when I was younger and you know, with business comes challenges. People come into your organization, they leave. You know that always, that’s happening now, and that’s okay. That’s part of the business model.

And some people will say to me, oh, I’m so sorry so-and-so’s leaving, you know. No!  What I say is, you know, this person was in my organization for a while. They served a great purpose. We both learn, we both grew. It was successful. And now I get to watch them move on. It’s kind of like a little bird. I get to set free and let them go out there and explore their own thing and bring the next person in. And that’s  challenging, but it’s fine. It’s great.

Jeff: Yeah.

Doreen: So, yeah.

Jeff: Well, you know, when I first was discussing this topic with you, I started thinking about people that put themselves in harm’s way or people that challenge themselves on purpose to see what they’re made of.

Doreen: Well, I think that applies to business as well. I know what you’re gonna talk about.

Jeff: Well, it does, you know, have big business goals, enjoy working hard and, and to achieve them like just like my beautiful wife does.

Doreen: Aw. Well, and I think you were gonna talk about other, you know, challenges or competing. Yeah, common thing.

Jeff: I mean like a bodybuilding, like you were talking about, a body buider that loves lifting heavy weights

Doreen: Marathon runners, marathon sky divers, you know, all those type of things.

But that’s, you know, if for me, like the challenge in business is exciting. Like, I just think it’s so exciting to be able to see a vision in my brain and be able to make it come to the world and be able to deliver it to, to you and hopefully make a difference.

Jeff: Right.

Doreen: Like with this podcast and with our coaching.

Jeff: Yeah. Cuz we’re, we’re not necessarily talking in terms of enjoying the results of the hard work, but you also have to enjoy the result because of the hard work.

Doreen: Right. What do they say? It’s a journey.

Jeff: Life is a journey.

Doreen: Yeah.

Jeff: Not a destination.

Doreen: And guess what I’m gonna. I’m gonna challenge people on this one.

You’ll get to where you think you wanna be a successful business, running a marathon, meeting someone new, getting married again, whatever it is. You’ll say only if I did this. I would be so much happier. Guess what? When you get there, you’re not gonna be so much happier. You’re gonna be proud of yourself that you made the goal that you accomplished whatever it was, but there’s always going to be something more that you want.

I have represented as a lawyer, a lot of people with a lot of money. A lot of money. We live in South Florida. It is crazy how much wealth is here. I can tell you that all the success, all the you know, business success, monetary success, whatever you want. You can have vacations, you know, clothing, houses, you know, all these things doesn’t make a difference. You’re not happier necessarily just because you are there. It is not better there than it is here today. Here is okay. Even when you’re going through the divorce, it’s where you’re supposed to be. This is part of your journey. We just did a video about resistance.

Jeff: Correct?

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: Yeah.

Doreen: And if you resist the change, if you resist the hard work, you’re gonna be stuck. Who wants to be stuck? You know, we don’t wanna be stuck, so how do we learn? To enjoy the hard parts.

Jeff: Yeah. Because if you’re only interested in the pro, if you are interested in the process, it’s gonna happen a lot quicker.

Doreen: Enjoy the process, enjoy the ride, you know, slow down and really just take it in. When we first start, we’re very weak at things. Right. I’ll use me lifting weights. You know, when I started I was lifting whatever pounds, and as I’ve continued to do it, I can lift more weights. I was lifting an easy bar the other day doing bench curls.

Jeff: Yeah.

Doreen: And I was lifting 40 pounds doing bicep curls, right. And I thought, when did I ever get to 40 pounds? I started at 20 and then I went to 30 and then 40, and I could do 10 reps with no problem. I mean, I should say at the end it was, it was a struggle, but when you’re in weight training, you’re supposed to, those last few reps are supposed to be challenging, and I was like, okay, you go girl, you’re up to 40 pounds.

Right? Which is cool. And then some young man came over and lifted the same weight and I thought, okay,

Jeff: Now think of, now think back for a second at what you thought when you first went to 20 pounds.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: From 10 pounds. It seemed heavy, didn’t it?

Doreen: Well, no. I was using one of those easy bars,

Jeff: Right?

Doreen: It started at 20.

Jeff: Okay, well, let’s say when you moved up to 30,

Doreen: It was challenging.

Jeff: It was challenging. Now you look back and 30 seems simple.

Doreen: Exactly.

Jeff: Okay. One of these days, probably 40 is gonna be simple for you.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: And that’s how you accomplish through these challenging times.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: You push yourself.

Doreen: Exactly. And that applies to you going through divorce, you know, embracing it and just knowing that this is a challenging time.

This is not easy. There is no easy divorce. And, and, you know, just for a little, insight, I think that my divorce is probably one of the easiest divorces out there. We got along, we did it easy. We’re best friends. We just went to graduation with Sam, you know, and all spent time together. I mean, as I talk about all the time.

And it was still probably one of the, the lowest parts of my life been very challenging.

Jeff: Yes. Okay. Well, you know what? I have a thought that’s kind of sum it up here. In order to get

Doreen: Sum it up? We’re just getting started when you’re talking about stuff

Jeff: Well not sum it up, what we were talking about in order, in order to get

Doreen: I thought you wanted to, to be done with us already.

Jeff: Oh, no, no, no. We’re just getting started. By the way, I have a question. What’s the heaviest weight in the gym?

Doreen: Oh, I know this one. Hold on. Go ahead.

Jeff: The front door.

Doreen: Yeah, getting in there.

Jeff:  Getting in there. Once you’re in there, you know

Doreen: That’s true.

Jeff: You have a great workout.

Doreen: Well, a lot of people fail ahead of time.

Jeff: Yeah.

Doreen: Like I was just saying, you know, the saddest thing would be that you could have done it, but never even tried. So most people have this mindset, I can’t do something. It’s not gonna work out for me. I’ll never, you know, those types of statements, get rid of those statements. Of course you can do it. You can do anything you want to.

Jeff: Exactly.

Doreen: So you just have to open the front door.

Jeff: Right. I open the front door of your mind.

Doreen: Yeah.

Jeff: Well, here, here’s the thought.

Doreen: Go.

Jeff: Okay. Here’s the thought. In order to get to the point where you enjoy challenges, you have to get strong enough to enjoy them. This means you have to work through them until you like them.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: You have to be willing to suck at it or not be good at it, and you have to be willing to do the things you don’t want to do. In order to get to the point where you want to do them.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: Does that make sense?

Doreen: Yeah. I mean, like when we start first started doing these podcast episodes, you know, I started first by myself solo.

So in the first episode you’ll hear just me, it was called Your Amazing Divorce. I mean, my first podcast episode, I was like, you know, it was uncomfortable. I didn’t know I’m talking into a mic. I can’t really see anybody. I’m here by myself. At that point, it’s been a lot easier engaging with Jeff, but as I got, as we kept going, it got easier.

Right?

Jeff: Yeah.

Doreen: Just like going to the gym or doing anything that you want to do in life, it will get easier, but you gotta. You gotta work it out. Gotta work out that muscle.

Jeff: Well, they say the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. So you have to take that first step and, and get to it.

Doreen: Yeah. And the stronger you get, the more challenges you’ll want.

Right?

Jeff: Yeah.

Doreen: Because once you are able to know, Hey, I can do that. I can, I can lift 40 pounds. I can open a business. I can write a book. I can whatever it is, run a marathon or go back to school, whatever it is. Then you’re gonna say, for the next challenge that comes along, bring it on. Bring it on. I got this.

Jeff: Okay. Cuz you developed that the, the ability to overcome the weakness of the next level.

Doreen: Now divorce is a little different though, so I wanna say one caveat. You know, divorce is something that we don’t go into and we don’t want. Nobody wants to get divorce. Right, and I mean, whether you were the one that initiated or it was mutual or the other side did irrelevant.

Nobody wants to be involved in divorce. So unlike lifting weights, which I want to do, and it’s great and it’s pleasant and it’s fun, nobody wants to go through this. So there’s a difference of wanting a challenge because it’s going to serve a goal that you decide you want, and then there’s a circumstance where sometimes you’re put into like divorce, where it’s forced upon you and you have no choice.

But to get through it so you can embrace the challenge of divorce and you can say, you know, I’m gonna get through this. I really am strong enough to lift myself up to, to do whatever it takes to get through the process and rebuild my life. And you know what? You can say, this is the life I want on purpose now.

And you can design that life however you want it, whatever you want it to be. How beautiful is that? You have a blank, what do they call it?

Jeff: Canvas.

Doreen: Canvas. You have a new beginning and maybe your new beginning after divorce involves children now. What a blessing! You had beautiful children with this person, right?

And so that’s beautiful. And now you get to paint this new canvas that’s blank and therefore your taking. Design it on purpose. And some of that is gonna be the challenges that you need to go through to make that canvas amazing.

Jeff: A masterpiece.

Doreen: A masterpiece with all the bright colors and beautiful strokes and all that.

Or just make it dull. No. Are you kidding me? Make it amazing.

Jeff: That’s right. That’s right. You know, the better we get at taking those challenges and processing those types of emotions and putting ourselves in those positions the moving through them is a lot easier.

Doreen: Yeah, that’s what we said.

Jeff: And quicker.

Doreen: Yeah, you get stronger. Right? It’s like the muscle.

Jeff: Exactly.

Doreen: That I can now lift that weight that I couldn’t lift two months ago.

Jeff: Not to mention how good you look.

Doreen: Oh, thank you. I’m trying.

Jeff: But you know, a lot of people will look at you and say, wow, you know, I, I’m not just saying you, but I’m just saying they may look at a bodybuilder or whatever, say, wow, what a great body. I’d like to have that body. But you have to be willing to pay the price to get it.

Doreen: Yeah. It doesn’t come easy. And believe me, I mean, I know it’s gonna take me several years to get myself into the shape I want to get into, but little by little, little by little day, by day, it’s not, look, if you have challenges and you’re gonna make something outta your life to get somewhere better, if you’re impatient, that’s not gonna help you.

You’ve got to take the time. You can’t give up.

Jeff: Right.

Doreen: You have to develop the skill. So, you know, body building and getting your body into shape takes time. I’ve only been doing this for six months and it takes diet, it takes cardiovascular and it takes weight training. And yes, I could be more dedicated, but I like to go out and have a glass of wine every so often and I enjoy on the weekends to maybe take a day off. So I’m willing to say I’m not gonna put so much a hundred percent. Like that’s all I do every day. I’m so focused on it and I know it takes longer. Right? Be patient. Be patient.

Jeff: But don’t let, don’t let your life be easy. In other words, challenge yourself to not have an easy life.

It’s gonna encourage you to grow.

Doreen: Right.

Jeff: You know, it’s going to, it’s complacency is the enemy of success.

Doreen: So my question for you, my listener, is are you giving up too easily? You know, are you giving up on the things that you really want in your life? And did you know, and can you appreciate that these hard things, these hard times are gonna make you stronger.

It will. This divorce, whatever it looks like for you, will make you a stronger person. I have no doubt. So knowing that every time you fall down, you’re building the strength to stand back up. That’s what makes it fun. That’s what makes it amazing. That’s what makes you resilient. You can do hard things.

Jeff: Yeah, exactly. You know that what you might think is impossible now isn’t going to be possible to who you become.

Doreen: That’s right. How many times have you think about it? There are things that you look at in your life that happened. I’m trying to think if anything comes to my brain where you’re like, oh my gosh, this is the worst thing. I’m never gonna survive.

Jeff: Well, you jumped out of a plane.

Doreen: No, I’m talking about something that happened. You went through a really bad thing in your life.

Jeff: Okay.

Doreen: A really bad time. Okay. It could be a breakup, it could be a divorce, it could be an illness, it could be, you know, um, I don’t know. Just you got fired from a job, whatever it is.

Jeff: Right.

Doreen: And you were super, super low. And at that time you thought maybe if the thought went through your brain, Oh my God, this is the worst thing ever. I’m never gonna get through this. I don’t know how I’m gonna survive this. Now, you sit here today and you look back at that event that happened several years ago, or even when you were younger, a young person, and you’re like, why was I making such a big deal about this?

Look where I am today.

Jeff: Right. Yeah, probably at the end of the podcast you’ll think of all the examples that you couldn’t think of now, but I’m sure I already talked of a,

Doreen: You have some?

Jeff: Well, what about a big separation between you and your partner and you’re going on your own. You don’t know if that’s gonna work out?

Doreen: Oh, way back when.

Jeff: Yeah.

Doreen: Yeah.

Jeff: I mean, you know, it’s had to have been a little bit of hair raising there.

Doreen: Yeah, of course. So I used to work with someone who’s a very well respected family lawyer and basically was my mentor. And I decided to part ways and go out on my own. And yeah, at the time I was like, how am I gonna make this work?

I have three kids at home. I had just gotten married to you.

Jeff: Mm-hmm.

Doreen: I had another child, a stepson. We, you know, my income is important to our family, but I had to make the change. And you can have all the excuses in the world not to change. I could have said, well, the excuses are, I’ve got four kids at home, we need the money, blah, blah, blah.

But that’s not what I wanted to do. I knew that I could make it and I knew it would be hard, and I jumped in with two feet all in. Right?

Jeff: Yeah. Yeah. Very proud of you and what you’ve become.

Doreen: Mm-hmm. Same.

Jeff: Yeah. So what is the hardest challenge you can take on that would serve your highest level? Ask yourself that as one of our listeners, you know, I’m not asking you to take these hard things that you beat yourself up over them, but I’m recommend that you take on the hard things and enjoy them and support yourself through them and use them to grow.

Doreen: Yeah. Because the question you’re gonna ask yourself is, are you going to resist this or are you going to create. Are you going to resist the possibility of change itself, or are you going to go through it and create something amazing for your life? The choice is yours.

Jeff: Yes,

Doreen: The choice is yours, my friend, and what I choose to do in my life.

Is to create strength and to do hard things and to enjoy as I’m going through it. Just like Jeff does, because this is one life we have. This is not a dress rehearsal. All right, my friends. I hope you have a beautiful, amazing week. I hope you challenge yourself. I hope you really sit down and do something that’s hard.

You can do it. And you know what? It might take your mind off the divorce too, so go for it. Right?

Jeff: And by the way, Happy Memorial Day to everybody out there.

Doreen: Enjoy the week. Have an amazing week. Love yourself. Be kind to others, and until next time, see you then.

Jeff: Bye

Doreen: Bye everyone.

Jeff: You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com, that’s L A D as in life after divorce-coaching.com.

Doreen: Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.