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Ep. 124 – Before, During and After Divorce Accountability

You are accountable for your thoughts, actions and results in your life. You also are partially responsibility for the divorce. Accepting this shifts the focus from others to yourself. It empowers you, teaches you and helps the healing process. Easier said than done! When we encounter obstacles in life, and we will, an accountability partner can really help you stay focused on your desires. In this episode Doreen and Jeff discuss how to accept personal accountability of your divorce, as well as,  finding a great partner to hold you accountable for your results.

Transcript

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;20;24
Unknown
Hello to all of our listeners out there and welcome to episode number 124. Today we’re going to be talking about accountability before, during and after divorce. So if you’re ready, let’s get started.

00;00;20;26 – 00;00;45;19
Unknown
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create a life after divorce that you deserve. And desire as partners, both in marriage and coaching. We use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life.

00;00;45;22 – 00;01;17;05
Unknown
The best chapter. Hello, Doreen. How are you today? Great. I’m great. And as we’re recording this, it is December 2023 because I know our listeners, you know, come in to our podcasts at different times and it’s the holidays, It’s always the holidays are always like a combination of amazing feelings about holidays and family and food and spending time together.

00;01;17;05 – 00;01;42;07
Unknown
And obviously the meaning of Christmas and Hanukkah and all that goes along with that and the other holidays that are celebrated during this time of year. But there’s also this stress. my gosh, this I like try so hard every year, like to manage the stress and anxiety that goes along like, my gosh, like, you know me, I’m a pre planner.

00;01;42;07 – 00;02;14;08
Unknown
So like, the presence are in mind. The food is set up, the family’s coming. What’s your nickname, CC and what does he stand for? Crazy, crazy Christmas. Christmas. Crazy Christmas Crazy. Yes. Yeah, I you know what? It’s it’s talk about like family and traditions and the holidays. My mom growing up was CC and everything down to I remember this the toilet paper when you went into the powder room when you pulled it.

00;02;14;11 – 00;02;38;05
Unknown
Tell me now when you pulled it. Yeah. Had jingle bells. my gosh. Yeah. Like, and was my bath, my mom’s bathroom downstairs. The powder room was decorated, like full blown on Christmas decoration lines throughout the entire house. And every year she would buy more. Like every single place. Every single place you looked in. The house was loaded with.

00;02;38;07 – 00;02;57;16
Unknown
And I bet you loved it, though, right? I didn’t know anything different. So now, as an adult and having our own kids, I can appreciate it. Like, it was a lot of work was a lot of work. And she always made Christmas very special. And my mom is is very religious. So for her, Christmas was all about that as well.

00;02;57;16 – 00;03;18;26
Unknown
You know, like we used to go to midnight mass and midnight Mass for those that celebrate, you know, in the Christian faith. That was beautiful. A beautiful thing to do. But now we have an inner religious family. So we celebrate everything in the sense of Hanukkah and Christmas. So we do both. So you’ve been lighting candles this week?

00;03;18;27 – 00;03;40;08
Unknown
Absolutely. Yeah. You know, but growing up in Puerto Rico, also Puerto Rico takes Christmas incredibly serious. Well, they have like this time of the year, don’t they have the Three Kings? Three Kings death. Yeah. The notorious what is it called? The DIA de los Reyes is actually the Three Kings Day. And when is that? Is it? I think believe it’s January six.

00;03;40;08 – 00;04;02;24
Unknown
Okay, So, you know, as a young kid growing up, it was great that we had like Hanukkah of of January all the way to like January 10th off. I mean, great. But I just remember in in Puerto Rico, they really take Christmas as not only a very faithful time of the year, but a very big time to party.

00;04;02;26 – 00;04;27;04
Unknown
Yeah. Had a good time. Yeah. You know, and so whatever You happened to celebrate based on your beliefs at this time of year, we first of all, wanted to wish you all a happy, safe and of course, very blessed holiday And as we get into the new Year, I think that was something else I wanted to touch on because most of the time at this time of year, divorce actions slow down.

00;04;27;07 – 00;04;46;26
Unknown
People generally don’t want to file for divorce during this time of the year. Yeah, that’s just generally that’s not based on any stats, but just based on my experience over the last million years. Right. You know, it makes sense. But, you know, there have been years where there’s been more filings and maybe that has had something to do with the moon in the stars alignment.

00;04;46;26 – 00;05;13;02
Unknown
I don’t know. But but then, of course, January comes and with the new Year come resolutions. And some of those involve for those of you out there contemplating about divorce, making decisions on whether you want to stay married or not and what that looks like. Right. And I we’ve talked in many episodes about the stigma that comes along potentially with a desire to be divorced.

00;05;13;02 – 00;05;33;10
Unknown
Or when you say to somebody, I’m getting divorced, and they’re like, I’m so sorry. I think there’s two ways to look at divorce, right? It’s yes, it can be the ending of one chapter and that can be very sad on some levels, But it’s the opening of a new chapter and you can count the blessings that you had in your marriage, as I did in my marriage.

00;05;33;11 – 00;05;58;00
Unknown
And I talk a lot about of that in our podcast episodes. But yeah, it’s like they’re it’s really an individual decision. Of course, and just go into your heart, figure out what it looks like and make your decisions. And if you need help, we’re here because we like that’s what we do. Yeah, we like to coach people. Yeah, We talk about our series, our coaching business.

00;05;58;00 – 00;06;21;29
Unknown
I’m sorry, being called life after divorce coaching. But really what we want to emphasize is it’s life after divorce. So we coach people before divorce about their life after divorce, and we coach people during divorce about their life preparing, preparing for life after divorce. Some of those are the may. The main, you know, can be the very most important time.

00;06;22;00 – 00;06;56;12
Unknown
So when we coach people during those confusion times, when you’re really trying to work through your thoughts to determine your results and what you look at want and what that looks like. Yeah. All right. So let’s talk about accountability. Okay? Right. Well, you know, I think when you think of accountability, you think of being held accountable for something you have to do, let’s say at work, being held accountable for production or being responsible to your boss or maybe your friend is relying on you to do something.

00;06;56;15 – 00;07;23;27
Unknown
And they they want you to make sure that they can trust you, that it’s going to be done. You know, So that’s that’s one form of looking about accountability. But when we talk about last week’s episode, we talked about finding your passion in setting goals and going for it. And when you’re setting goals, the ability to reach your desires and designing what your future looks like after divorce, accountability will mean something quite different.

00;07;23;29 – 00;07;46;19
Unknown
Yeah, So I think that you’re right. It’s you’ve now set your goal, you found your passion or you’ve discovered explored what you what you have passion for. You’ve set your goal based on that. Right? And now it’s it’s like, how am I going to get there? And and usually we recommend, you know, how to get there, you know, whatever that looks like.

00;07;46;19 – 00;08;12;23
Unknown
You can identify that now what happens now What happens? And why is it that many people have goals that they never reach? And it’s because of that accountability issue? How are you going to stay accountable to yourself so that you reach those goals? Because the permanent brain will come in all the time and tell you why you don’t need to work on your goal today?

00;08;12;25 – 00;08;38;07
Unknown
I would say they call it when the rubber meets the road, you know, when when the work begins and the toughness starts and you have to make changes and you have to, you know, have different types of thoughts and actions to have those different results, then that’s where that permanent brain comes in as well and makes it a lot easier for you to give up and not continue the hard work.

00;08;38;14 – 00;09;05;09
Unknown
And I know that you wanted to talk a little bit about accountability in the sense of recognizing your accountability with regard to your marriage and in the divorce and what happened. Right. Right. So I think that’s a different subject that we could probably do a whole episode on. And I just think it’s important to touch on it a little bit, right?

00;09;05;10 – 00;09;24;18
Unknown
Yeah. Just to say that I know you wanted to talk about it. Well, I mean, I think when who is the one person that can really be held accountable for your actions, for the results, for the results that you have or you don’t have that you have or you don’t have. And that, of course, is going to be you, right?

00;09;24;19 – 00;09;47;22
Unknown
Meaning, you know, you control your whole life in general and you have to own the results that you’re currently living with. Right. And even if you chose, for example, to stay in a marriage in which you felt for let’s just hypothetically say that you were disrespected or maybe you had some other issues that were on a heightened level with your spouse.

00;09;47;24 – 00;10;16;22
Unknown
You made a decision to stay potentially longer than you should have or maybe not to set certain boundaries. And that’s that’s an example of something that you have to take accountability because the other person’s action in action, whatever the issue was that you are unhappy with, is on them. And we talk about that when we talk about the manual, that we can’t control other people, but we can certainly be accountable for deciding to stay, for example.

00;10;16;22 – 00;10;50;03
Unknown
Right, Right. Well, I think the main thing that we’re we’re touching on here is that being responsible or accepting responsibility for the demise of the marriage is a huge part of the healing process. Right. So, you know, we’re not trying to to say take responsibility for some of the bad things that may have happened to you or we’re not pushing the blame on you or pushing the blame on your partner, because blaming you know, we know what that does.

00;10;50;03 – 00;11;13;03
Unknown
That does no good, right? You know, it takes away your your power. It takes away your confidence. So we’re definitely not playing the blame game here. But sometimes we have to be held responsibility because what that responsible. Yeah, right. We have to be responsible. So that takes the shift off of you thinking about others and putting it on yourself.

00;11;13;04 – 00;11;37;19
Unknown
And it’s not a matter of, you know, percentage is either. Well, he’s mostly to blame or she’s mostly to blame. It’s can you recognize some accountability on whatever level? So that’s kind of something that we talk about that happens before the divorce. And like I said, the accountability to yourself if you’re deciding to stay or not to stay is on you right there.

00;11;37;22 – 00;11;56;10
Unknown
Easy. That was a great point, because percentages don’t matter because it’s about moving on. It doesn’t matter how many what we have to do to move on, but we have to move on and heal. Right. And it’s about, you know, if you’re going to stay in your marriage, what am I going to do to to help it to to fix it, to try to fix it.

00;11;56;13 – 00;12;23;07
Unknown
Keeping in mind a lot of the other tools that we talked about, like setting appropriate boundaries, you know, how you control those. The manual that we discussed and I mentioned just a moment ago, those types of things, really recognizing that other people don’t make us happy. We have to make ourselves happy. Those are things that can help to heal relationship and move it in a direction where maybe people can remain in a healthy, happy marriage.

00;12;23;09 – 00;12;45;26
Unknown
And that’s accountability as well. Exactly. And, you know, if you’re with someone that, for example, you can’t accept certain things that they do because people do not generally change. Right. We have to understand that first. And if you say, well, that’s a breaking point for me, that’s something I won’t accept, then you’re accountable whether you stay or go.

00;12;46;03 – 00;13;08;16
Unknown
Well, another thought that I had is you don’t have to accept it, but it could be a big part of being forgiving. And I think that when you understand that you’re partially accountable for anything, it does take a lot of the pressure off you and off of them and helps the forgiving process as well. So you don’t have to accept it.

00;13;08;18 – 00;13;33;14
Unknown
But I think part of that is from being a little bit more forgiving and being able to move on and with your life. I also think an important part of dealing with the in the divorce or even after is the accountability of understand some things that maybe you could improve on as to the way you are in a relationship, right?

00;13;33;16 – 00;13;58;05
Unknown
So that accountability and recognition can help you to recognize what you don’t want to happen in the future. Those reoccurring behaviors that maybe don’t serve the results you want in your life. So accountability on that level, I think is also important. That’s a great that’s a great point. Great point. Let’s talk about switching it to now. Okay. We’ve understood that.

00;13;58;07 – 00;14;23;21
Unknown
Now we want to move on to we’ve set these amazing goals that we want to reach. We know what it looks like. We’ve kind of stripped it down and we we get it. But, you know, we wake up in the morning and we’re like, I don’t feel like doing that today. Well, you know, when you’re going through a divorce or having gone through divorce or getting ready to go through divorce, it’s it’s kind of a a rough go in the lifetime.

00;14;23;21 – 00;14;46;00
Unknown
I mean, it’s it’s kind of challenging. So I’m not going to say it’s easy, but it is something that kind of can really force you to think from your primitive brain more than the prefrontal cortex stressed. Obviously, you got a high degree of stress going on, and with that, the primitive brain is more likely to take over. Right?

00;14;46;00 – 00;15;13;03
Unknown
So if the primitive brain is taking over, you’re more likely to get off track and not be as focused. You know, and then aid itself up with excuses That all sound great, by the way. yeah, they’re good excuses. Yeah. I call it like, you know, you’ve got the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other and you’re, you know, one the angel being your prefrontal adult brain that knows how to reach this goal.

00;15;13;03 – 00;15;30;09
Unknown
I’ve got to do this. Let’s say it’s I’d like to use, of course, losing weight or working out, getting in shape. I need to get to the gym if I want to build muscle and get strength, I know I need to do that. I can’t do that just sitting here watching TV all day or even working on my computer.

00;15;30;10 – 00;15;54;26
Unknown
I got to get up and move. But you’re primitive brain that day. Who’s the I call the devil know you’re saying? Yeah, but you know, you couldn’t sleep well last night and there’s a new series on Netflix and then that Yeah and there’s that there’s I, you know, I, I got some emergencies or situations at work that require my attention, so I’m going to skip it today.

00;15;55;01 – 00;16;17;19
Unknown
There’s and those sound like good reasons, right? Yeah very good. Right so just being aware I think of that accountability as to which which shoulder are you going to listen to? Are you going to listen to your primitive brain or you’re going to listen to your prefrontal cortex brain? Well, the point is that because we are thinking with our primitive brain, we’re probably going to listen to that devil a little bit more.

00;16;17;19 – 00;16;43;00
Unknown
And this is where an accountability partner can really, really become a benefit to. Yeah. And those partners basically can be coaches like us who’s who hold, you know, safe spaces and private conversations and a way for you to have somewhere to talk. And, you know, we like to meet with our clients on a weekly basis minimum to keep that accountability going, keep us moving in the right direction.

00;16;43;03 – 00;17;18;19
Unknown
But it could be a trusted friend, someone else maybe that you know, So share some other goals or maybe similar goals. Even somebody from a diverse background that might give you some different ways of looking at things. We we caution people to choose these accountability partners very carefully, because if it’s someone that you know very, very well who maybe is, for example, wouldn’t be a person that could kind of call you out on your, you know, what in a kind and loving way.

00;17;18;19 – 00;17;43;06
Unknown
Of course, that probably isn’t a good accountable. Yeah. You don’t want to, you know, grab a accountability partner that is known to also procrastinate. Right. Or that will just give you a lot of slack. Yes. You want somebody who’s tough. When I’ve had coach, I like my accountability partners have always been coaches, coaches and business coach, life coaches that I have myself right, coaches for working out.

00;17;43;08 – 00;18;07;29
Unknown
I like those type of coaches, big and neutral ones, people I don’t know on a personal level. And I tell them right off the bat, don’t be easy on me because I’m going to come up with a lot of excuses as to why I don’t need to do X, Y, Z. But the other you know, the other part of that is, you know, you’ve also experienced the mental pain of having to pay them to coach you.

00;18;08;07 – 00;18;35;13
Unknown
And when you do that, it does give you a little bit more accountability to get to show up and do the work. Yeah, it does. When you’re paying for something. Mental pain, though, I think is a harsh way of considering. Yeah, well, you you’re paying them to torture you, but you’re paying and we don’t torture our clients. We don’t certainly bring things to their prefrontal and get them thinking about things and moving in the right direction.

00;18;35;14 – 00;19;01;06
Unknown
Depending on the personality and the vibe, we will call them on things for sure. Yeah. And you know, when you’re going to the gym and you’re working on lifting weights and getting stronger. Yeah, that’s painful. Yeah. Well, and it’s taught can be it’s torture that we love to torture. We love, you know, and be very, very clear to your accountability partner on what it is you really want to be very, very specific.

00;19;01;06 – 00;19;27;16
Unknown
Very, very yeah, very, very. Because this way your accountability partner will be very, very focused. Very, very, very, very focused on what it is you really want. Sorry, I’m teasing with you. It’s okay. I guess very, very is like really? It’s more than very. I think so. It’s a no, but it’s important that you have clarity in the beginning with your accountability partner as to your goals and the breakdown of how you plan to get there.

00;19;27;19 – 00;19;49;20
Unknown
Right. So that that’s important. For example, if you’re again, working with a trainer on gaining muscle, getting strength, you know, how long is your program with this person? How often are you training? A week. What is your goal? How much muscle are you trying to build? How much weight are you trying to lose? What do you want your body fat to be at?

00;19;49;27 – 00;20;10;00
Unknown
I mean, what is your eating going to look like? These are all the specifics that you’re talking about. Right. And don’t forget, we when we went over the episode on goals about the smart system, let them know the time you want to achieve that goal. And because, you know, one thing that we really recommend is your regular check ins with your accountability partner.

00;20;10;03 – 00;20;28;02
Unknown
So we know, hey, this is the time you want to accomplish your goal. We’re on track or we’re not on track. And if we’re not on track, you can make adjustments. If you’re on track, you continue to do what worked. What’s working Well, That plays into what I wanted to also talk about, which is failures and setbacks. Right?

00;20;28;04 – 00;20;58;13
Unknown
Right. Because when you’re reaching toward your goal and you’re looking at accountability, one of the accountability principles that I like to talk about is be accountable to the fact, 100% fact that there will be setbacks. Absolutely. There will be failures. There will be, as you like to say, bumps in the road. And so that is part of any goal reaching, right, is you’re going to take a little step back every so often and life gets in the way and things happen and we’re not perfect.

00;20;58;13 – 00;21;22;19
Unknown
And don’t beat yourself up. Don’t give up, don’t beat yourself up. Don’t give up just because you had a failure, but just refocus and get back on track. Well, I was always taught that if you do not have failures, your goals just aren’t high enough. They’re not big enough. They’re not big enough. Well, yeah, that’s huge. Yeah. I mean, seriously, if something’s too easy, that’s an indication your goals need to be a lot bigger.

00;21;22;25 – 00;21;50;27
Unknown
And let me just say that life is not a dress rehearsal. No. Right. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. You know, okay. Just never know. Like, you know, we’ve unfortunately received some bad news over the last number of weeks with, you know, deaths and families, very close friends of ours. And our parents are are elderly and they’ve had some major physical setbacks.

00;21;50;27 – 00;22;21;04
Unknown
And and when you see that and when you hear about those things, it’s a time to really take that emotion of sadness and grief and concern and understand that life is, you know, they say short, precious. It’s precious. Every moment that you have here is a moment that you know, should be cherished on such a great level. I think it’s all about, you know, what we mostly talk about is your thoughts.

00;22;21;07 – 00;22;41;24
Unknown
You know, if you take if you take a bad situation like you just explained and thinking about it in a positive way, like this is why we have to cherish every moment and reach our goals, then you’ll have those different types of results. Same with failures. If you look at failure as a success clue, or maybe you’re looking at failure, you know what?

00;22;41;27 – 00;23;01;15
Unknown
I’m a little bit more knowledgeable on something that doesn’t work. Yes. And because it didn’t work, that must mean I’m one step closer to finding something that does work for one step closer to achieving my goal. Yeah. So the thoughts are extremely important when you have failures. I like to celebrate them and saying, you know, not like, woo hoo, great.

00;23;01;15 – 00;23;20;06
Unknown
I got I failed, but more like, woo hoo, great. Now I know that didn’t work. So let me tweak that a little bit and see what does work and you can get closer to the habits that you need and the strategy that’s going to help you reach your goal. Yeah, And when you reach your goal, you know, what’s the one thing that we usually forget?

00;23;20;08 – 00;23;44;29
Unknown
Yeah, but I don’t think it’s even when you reach your goal, it’s as you accomplish your small little victories along the way. Right. To continuously celebrate that. Exactly. We don’t take the time, many of us, to appreciate ourselves and to give ourselves a high five and or a pat on the back or both. Right. So I think celebrating is an important part.

00;23;45;01 – 00;24;12;11
Unknown
Now, celebrating is something that is doesn’t mean you go out and you just like have a whole day off of following your goals, like celebrating losing £10 by going out and eating and gaining £10. Yeah. And not gaining time. But maybe, you know, you could celebrate by you know, splurging in some way. Right. But even just recognizing it’s more just appreciating yourself and saying, listen, I did a good job on that.

00;24;12;17 – 00;24;32;11
Unknown
And this in especially goes out to those of you that are high achievers and and very goal oriented people, because sometimes we will accomplish our goals and have a great victory. And what you do is you go right to the next goal and you set that next goal, get back to work, and you forget about celebrating and taking that time.

00;24;32;13 – 00;24;56;18
Unknown
Are you describing me? No. But you know what happens also when you celebrate, you’re also taking a little bit of time out to give a little bit of attitude of gratitude for those that got you there, saying thank you to your accountability partner, saying thank you to your family members that helped you along. Thank you to yourself in saying thank you to yourself.

00;24;56;18 – 00;25;23;02
Unknown
Of course, as well. Right. To celebrate the achievements that you’ve made. Absolutely. 100%. All right, everybody. So and celebrating episode number 124. Yeah. Saying thank you to all our listeners out there for being there. Absolutely. Absolutely. Love doing this. Yes. So much fun wasn’t easy in the beginning. When we first started it. I started actually the podcast first.

00;25;23;05 – 00;25;49;24
Unknown
And you know, doing something unknown is was challenging. Now we’re on a good pattern of cycle and system. It’s a habit and we enjoy it. So listen, if any of you have any comments or you would like us to discuss any particular topics, please send us that information. Let us know and we’d be happy to consider it always available to also speak with you.

00;25;49;24 – 00;26;29;10
Unknown
Just look at our website Life After Divorce Coaching, which is w w w DOD l a d dash coaching dot com exam. You can come and explore with a little meeting with us about your future and happy holidays to everybody else. Happy holidays. Talk to you soon. All right, everyone. Have an amazing week. Bye bye. Hi. You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there.

00;26;29;13 – 00;27;03;03
Unknown
So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at L a d Dash coaching dotcom that’s led, as in life after divorce dash coaching dotcom. Until next time. Have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.

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