Ep. 126 – New Year, New You

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Hello, everybody out there. Welcome to episode 126. Today, we’re going to be talking about the new Year and the new you in 2024 making this the best year ever and deciding what you want going for it and getting it. So if you are ready, let’s get started.

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Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategy you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire as partners, both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise.

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As well as our own.

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Personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

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Hello, Doreen, how are you?

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I’m great. How are you? Happy. Almost New year.

00:01:03 Speaker 1

Yeah, happy New year. What an amazing holidays we’ve had so far.

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Yeah. Yeah, it’s been great. I hope everybody out there is having a beautiful, blessed holiday as well.

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And making something really, really special of it. So that’s we’re going to talk about today is making something special out of the.

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Yeah, for sure.

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New Year, but I want to first say that you don’t need a new year.

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To redefine.

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And who you are and what you want. It just so happens that sometimes the new year for many of us is a springboard to rethinking our goals. But we suggest that this really should happen often.

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That’s true.

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I think we talked about it because.

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This is a very common time of the year when people do try to make a refresh and restart and a new.

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You. But you know we want to make it clear you can start in the middle of the year on a Tuesday or you can start at the end of the year on a Thursday. It can be any time you want. You could decide when you want to have this.

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Fresh start? Yeah, because you have.

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So much control over your life and the parameters and the constraints of your life.

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You can really do this anytime, so allow yourself to think and believe and to reach for your goals right. And also I want to talk about divorce being also what I call the springboard.

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Sometimes it takes a life altering event such as divorce. Sometimes it’s illness, it’s death. It can be an accident. It can be someone that you love being hurt to, to kind of wake you up. Right? So we like to to look at divorce as an opportunity.

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To springboard to refresh, to redesign your life.

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Because it’s a perfect segue into that. And yeah, so here we go. Let’s get started.

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All right. All right. Well, if you’re going to reinvent yourself, it’s important to break down all of the false structures and false expectations and and maybe beliefs about what is possible in our lives and what we can do about it.

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And a lot of people who reinvented their lives or plan on reinventing their lives have completely different lives today because they question.

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What they’ve always been taught to be true and decided what they wanted to be true.

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Right. So with this podcast, we want to share some ideas as we go into this new year, but also as we make any decisions about our life at any time that you can truly have a new start and you can define.

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What the new is anytime you want, like I said. So one of the first things you have to know is that you have.

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You, our listeners, have now listen the right the ability and the privilege to change your mind about anything you want to change your mind about for any reason at any time. And what I mean by that is that just because you make a goal, you know on one particular.

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Doesn’t mean that you can’t change that goal. Modify that goal, redefine it, and so please understand that a lot of people get stuck in that well. I’ve already set my goal at no, it’s OK to go back and and to really think about it, right.

00:04:34 Speaker 1

Yeah, yeah. And when you do go back and think about it.

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Don’t be too concerned about some failures that you have had, because we’ve taught before and we’ll always teach that failures are necessary and they’re good and it’s something you can learn from. And it’s something that you can grow from and turn those failures into all of a sudden victories.

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Right. And that’s just part of.

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Goal reaching, right, we always talk about when you set your goals. We want to make it, you know, time specific and we talk about the ways to setting goals. And part of that is anticipating obstacles and failures.

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Yeah, that’s part of everything.

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Right. It’s all part of success. It’s all part of victories.

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It’s all part of them.

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There is no 100% like hey, this is what I want and there aren’t going to be any any issues, right?

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Yeah, well, I mean.

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If you expect the issues because you do want to reach your goal, you do want to be successful and you know failures are going to happen. They’re not going to affect you as much in a negative way.

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Right. So as we go into this new year, I want to invite all of our listen listeners or should I say we want to invite all of our listeners to go on a short little journey with us to we decide to have a brand new start using your divorce as your springboard with how you’re going to design.

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Your next chapter, your new life.

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A short journey to recommit to the things that you really want and think about that.

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What you really.

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Want why you want it and to let go of the things you don’t right? Because you only have so much energy in a.

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Yeah, yeah.

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Day and one of the ways that you know, we keep our life so fresh.

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For us.

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Is, you know, first of all, we keep evolving and you know we have to keep growing. We’re always redesigning, willing to change and you know, you can’t be stuck, be stagnant in your life. You want to be willing to not be a people pleaser or or keep fresh. You got to keep it fresh. You got to keep the.

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Yeah, I think that’s one of the reasons why, you know, I look at as our as our parents get older, just want to take this moment. You know, our parents are in their 80s and.

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The life flowing.

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They’re dealing with what you would have, you know, typical illnesses and and just ailments of being older in your body. You know, physically, you know, shutting down in many ways. So we look at the differences between.

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People that are aging and why is that? Like, why are some people more physically inclined to be in a better place?

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Why are they mentally sharper, more aware? And so I think that having goals and like always growing, always evolving, always like reaching for something different, never being satisfied with where you are, is at least for us.

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Part of what it keeps us young and I think what keeps you know, certain members of our family that are older, younger than others, you know.

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Exactly. Well, I believe experts say that part of the aging process, the region, reason.

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Some people age so quickly is that stagnant not only mental, but stagnant physical you know, and that really, really can deteriorate your body and your thinking very quickly in that age.

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Right.

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What a lot of people will question, like they’ll say, but doing why aren’t you happy with what you have? You have, you know, a great great businesses. You have a, a great husband, you have a, you know, all these wonderful blessings in your life. Beautiful kids who are doing well, knock on wood, all the good things.

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Right. Because to me, part of of who I am is that reaching for the next goal like it’s just part of what I find so exciting in life. I just don’t want to live in the day-to-day. I want to always reach for more. And I suggest that if you’re listening to our podcast, that’s probably.

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Who you are and what you want for your own life, and we honestly believe that anything you want is within your reach, right? You just have to go for it.

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You reminded me of that old saying that so many people are struggling to achieve happiness.

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This where what you should be doing is happily achieving, you know, so that you remind me of that. So you, because I know you’re never. You’re happy where you’re at, but you’re not satisfied. So you’re always wanting more and going for it and that kind of what’s is, what makes you happy.

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Right. Well.

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Right. Well, I want to.

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Well, not only that, I.

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I need to always emphasize that it’s not better there than here.

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A lot of people have this belief system that well when I achieve and then fill in.

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The banks like.

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The someday Isle they’d live in that.

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Island. No, I I want to go a step further than that. OK, a lot of people think that if I could and then fill in the blank, lose weight, make $1,000,000, buy a new house.

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You know, whatever you want to fill in the.

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Blank. Then I’ll.

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Be happy and what we want to emphasize, and this is, you know, again experts and just your own life will probably uncover this for you. It’s not better there than here. You’ll lose the the weight and you’ll be happy.

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Right, right.

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Or on some levels, but then you’ll be unhappy on other levels. So it’s like, oh, I I I reached that goal. I got to where I wanted to be, maybe it’s $1,000,000, whatever it is for you.

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There’s always going to be that balance of 5050. Life is always going to be part, good part bad, right? And it’s not a 5050 balance all the time. We’re not suggesting that what we’re saying is that there will always be good and bad. Then the percentages change, right? So just be aware of that as you’re reaching for your goals, so.

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And going back to your point, it really is about the.

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Journey. Exactly. It’s about being OK with the journey getting there, really enjoying and embracing it and not.

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Being in a.

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Rush, just like let it happen. Let it let.

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It be there for you.

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1. And we talked and obviously our listener is going through divorce or experiencing divorce. This again is just your.

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Drawing board so so many lessons that we teach and philosophies that we embrace, apply to to everyone in every circumstance.

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But we’re talking specifically about divorce, being that springboard. It’s such a beautiful time in your life to rediscover who you.

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Are. Yeah. And I think one one thing that you could really do that would benefit you is you can evaluate the things externally in your life and also the things internally. So you can question who you are as a person.

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Their identity, but you can also question externally, you know, here for an example, if you had to redesign everything again.

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And you had to go back into your life and wipe the slate.

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Clean and and you had. Yeah. And you had nothing. And you know, you’re a fresh start and your divorce is over. You’re now single again and you’re ready. And and the things in your life are totally different. You’re it’s a fresh.

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As of today.

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Start. You know, what would you choose first and what would you choose again? So think about it in terms of your relationships.

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All of a sudden, all of the relationships you have in your life, your family.

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Your chosen family, your friends, everyone, your acquaintances. The people you see every day, all of a sudden, they were all moved to the side and you had a clean slate.

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It’s almost like choosing a team.

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Like, who would you choose to have in your life based on your the people you have externally? Who would you choose?

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Would you pick pick on your lifes team?

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That’s a good example. I think career is another good example. If you could wipe the slate clean and start over, what career?

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Would you fall into what would you want to do? Sometimes you have to leave a very comfortable career. That’s that’s bringing you a nice income and maybe, you know, you enjoy on some levels, but it’s not your passion. It’s not what you really want. You don’t make a decision.

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Well, it’s it’s very important that you sometimes have to let go of good to achieve great.

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To have established great. Yeah, there’s a really good book about that. I’m looking on my bookshelf now and see if I see it. But but it’s about companies letting letting go of good.

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To achieve great. Yeah. And sometimes you have to to really evaluate, you know, the different areas in your life to see, OK, this is working for me, it’s good. But I want great.

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Right.

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The other thing is, you know, because you’ve made mistakes in the past, doesn’t mean you have to make the same mistakes in the future. So you know again about the not about a failure, but just mistakes that you’ve made, whether it be financial mistakes or or relationship mistakes. You don’t have to repeat those. So a fresh start.

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You mean forgetting about your mistakes and learning from them and moving on?

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Yeah, don’t. Don’t be hard on yourself to certainly learn.

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From your mistakes, you know your marriage and what happened to your marriage probably is is vital for you to really step back, rediscover how and what you’re looking for in a new relationship in a new romance moving forward. Learn from that.

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You know, we emphasize that divorce does not mean that your marriage was a failure.

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I’m so many people are like, oh, so sorry you got divorced, but there are obviously very good things about the marriage. And one of the things that I come to mind always are your children. You know, if you have children together, that’s a blessing that you put in a good column. Right. And we have these beautiful children together with this beautiful.

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Child together.

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But now you can rediscover based on the marriage who you are today versus who you were then and what you’re looking for in a new relationship. A new romantic relationship. I think that’s also a nice goal to.

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Absolutely. We were actually in an Uber yesterday and remember the Uber driver was telling us we were talking about that, we’re coaches and she was talking about now she knows because she’s been married three times what she wants. She’s really identified what she wants and.

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Relationship, she says she has this checklist, and so she’s like most of the people that she dates because it’s really just a numbers game, right? Getting out there, figuring out who you’re going to meet, how you’re going to meet people and.

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Then seeing if they fit the boxes.

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She goes. There are a lot of people that fit into what I’m looking for and they said that what’s wrong with that, like, that’s OK.

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Right. Yeah. It’s OK to, to be. You don’t have to have somebody in your life to feel.

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Complete. So take your time to find the best possible partner.

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Well, she did say she had an amazing date the other day.

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She said she had one week.

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One week she met a guy from out of state. Yeah, and they had one week together. I guess it was like a one week fling. All the places that they did movies, golf, throwing axes, throwing, like all the things they did. And they must have had a great time. But, you know, it was a week. And so that was nice.

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Right.

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Yeah. You know, sometimes we want to think of a few areas in our.

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Life that we want to either reevaluate, right. Yeah. Let’s talk about behaviors.

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Well, we just talked about relationships, right? And we talked a little bit about.

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Yes, little bit. OK, what other things and topics can subjects can we maybe like think about?

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Well, like behaviors. In other words, you know, do you work out? Do you not work out? Are you a heavy drinker or you don’t like to drink? I mean, evaluating what you like about yourself, your behaviors and things that you.

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Do and things that.

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You don’t like about yourself and your behaviors that you do.

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Right, so some intern intern obviously. So making some internal.

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And then you can make the changes or not make the changes.

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Inventory of who you are as a person, as to your behaviors and what things you want to keep and what things you want to get rid of, right, and what new things you want to as far as behaviors maybe embrace. So I always go to exercise, right.

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If you’re a person that works out regularly, you can tap yourself on the back, give yourself a high five and say that’s a behavior.

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I like, I want to keep that. If you do enjoy that now, the next thing is maybe you don’t exercise and you want to and you want that behavior to be something in your life. Could be what else behaviors could be the way in which you.

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It might be overeating, it could be overdrinking things, the things that you don’t like about yourself that you want to.

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Change your own behavior is what you want to keep what you want to change. Throw away what you want to embrace is another category, yeah.

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I talked about, you know, career and not being an important thing. I also want to talk about money. Money is money is always a good subject, right, especially after divorce. So would we choose to have the money we have right now, right. Or do we want more? Do we want to more and more keep more, spend more, show up more?

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With regard to money, really sit down and start fresh and say yes to what you want money wise and maybe know to what you don’t want. Maybe you’re a person that wants to save more. So say yes to that and embrace a goal on what?

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That looks like.

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Notice what comes up for you when you think about these things, right? Any of these behaviors, any of these topics like what are you afraid of? What scares you, what excites you? What makes you a little bit nervous? Right. It’s really fun to kind of figure out the emotions as you go through it because it will be a really good indication of where you should go.

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You know, because I know a lot of most divorces are are money driven, right? So I think a lot of people after divorce, they tend to focus on the money issues that they have or what they had because it was such a big issue when they were married.

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Right. Yeah, I think.

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Yeah. So now that’s something they may want to change or they may want to stay stay the same.

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I think it’s also important that as you embrace the new you for the New Year, new year, new you, sorry that you, you do it for yourself.

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Right, your reasons behind it might include other people in your life.

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But you want to do it because you truly have a passion, a desire for something, and that is hard for certain individuals, especially those people pleasers out there who tend to put their own passions, desires, needs behind others.

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Now there’s a whole different topic that we could do about people pleasing and what it really is and why people are people pleasers.

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It has to do a lot with some potential insecurities and wanting others to think of you in a certain way, and I don’t want to get too deep on that. But when you’re setting your goals for your future, it should be something you want, and it may come.

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With disappointment, resistance from others in your life, right, who might not be on board with your thoughts.

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And it helps us stay focused on your.

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Right. So I’ll use the example again of exercise. If you’re a mom or a dad and you want to put exercise into your schedule, that may mean that you’re going to give up that half an hour or hour or whatever that time frame is spending time with your children that maybe they’re used to.

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For your own personal need to be physically fit and.

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Healthy, which you know the kids are going to be the mom. You’re going to the gym again or, you know, I want to spend time and and so think about how you can do something for yourself, how you might have some resistance from others, but how you can use it as maybe a platform to teach and to.

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To put you out self as a priority, maybe you know listen with regard to the kids situation, I’m going to go work out because health and exercise is really important.

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And I’ll be back. You know, I think that maybe this is something we can embrace together. Maybe we can consider going on a walk together. That could be part of it. Or would you like to come with me? If they’re old enough to maybe go work out with?

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You those types of things so.

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Ultimate, ultimately a fit and healthy mom makes for a much better mom.

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Well, of course a fit and healthier person who’s reaching their goals. While you may be finding some resistance and and issues with other people in your life who may not be on board with it.

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When you’re in a better place, the people around you are.

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In a better place, right?

00:21:52 Speaker 1

Exactly. So I’m. I’m just saying the kids may not give as much resistance to it if they really see a much more positive, happy, and healthy mom, they may say, hey, mom, you should go to the gym more often.

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Right, maybe.

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You know another thing is that a lot of people say it takes 30 days or basically a certain amount of time to stop doing certain things and create new habits, so.

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I think it’s really important that as you set your goals, you give yourself, you know that 30 days, maybe it’s longer depending on whatever the goal is to really get into that every day working towards it right, that consistency it takes, you know, habits are not formed without consistency. So whatever your goal.

00:22:40 Speaker 2

Is the consistency and and why a lot of people set forth in the new Year trying to reach certain goals and then they just fall short, right?

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Right.

00:22:51 Speaker 1

Yeah, I mean, and if you do, let’s say you’re your goal is to quit smoking cigarettes and you stop one day. But let’s say two weeks into it, you have a cigarette. Don’t let that.

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Kick kick started the cigarettes again. You know, you just say, OK, you know, it’s OK to mess up. You know, I had one little mistake and then you move on and keep with the goal and you stop smoking again. Exactly.

00:23:13 Speaker 2

Was an expected failure. I mean you, you know, whatever that goal is, it could be that you want to set on a food protocol and you ate extra cookies like I did yesterday. And I felt guilty. And I kind of like said OK, I shouldn’t have eaten those, but I did so.

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Right. But we know it’s easy.

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So we finished them up threw.

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Them away and they’re done. We’re done exactly.

00:23:34 Speaker 1

Right. And you’re back on track with your goal. It’s not like you you you start eating like crazy all of a sudden, but a lot of people. Yeah, well, it’s easy to cave in. You know, it’s our primitive brain telling us this is easy to do. It’s easy to quit and easy to stay the same. So that’s why, you know, don’t let that one failure.

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It’s not an excuse just to cave in.

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Set you back. Let that failure propel you forward.

00:23:55 Speaker 2

Yeah, I think people set goals and set resolutions and then they they’re not perfect. So they just give up. It’s like this all or nothing thinking I remember, I was listening to a podcast and I can’t remember who it was. But the, you know, how every so often you have an aha moment and it was about working out.

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And they said, So what if you can only do 5-5 minutes a day or 10 minutes a day?

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I like I have this mentality that I have to go to the gym and I have to, you know, do this certain, you know, like set goal on what I’m going to lift and how many reps I’m going to do. But sometimes life got in the way and I was like, oh, well, then I just won’t work out at all today. No, with this aha moment was if I put the 10 minutes.

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In every single day.

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It would be a habit that I can form and it adds up. So the point being that you know it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing mentality as you reach these goals.

00:24:58 Speaker 1

You know, I think a lot of.

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It could be.

00:24:59 Speaker 2

Little steps. So many people have a personality trait, me included, where it’s like all or nothing. I’m like all in, you know, me when I have a go on something, it’s like I’m all in. I’m reading about it. I’m figuring it out. I’m doing it. It’s like sometimes you just need to chill and give yourself a little bit of a break.

00:25:18 Speaker 1

I think that people may.

00:25:20 Speaker 1

Think short term when it comes to their goals that they want to see instant gratification where if you think long term that 10 minute workout or that one little cookie you had really will make a difference long term. So long term those 10 minutes of working out will really show a difference.

00:25:40 Speaker 1

Where that one cookie long term will not show a difference, so you will always have that goal. If you think this is something I’m doing for me.

00:25:47 Speaker 2

Long term talk about that again and the failure thing just to to emphasize that don’t don’t be confused when you fail. It doesn’t mean quit.

00:25:57 Speaker 2

Right, quitting is not going to get you there faster, but failing actually can get you there faster if if you take the opportunity to learn from your failure right? Like I should have probably after Christmas because we made all kinds of cookies and desserts and people bought things probably.

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I should have learned to get rid of those temptations, like I didn’t need them in the house.

00:26:22 Speaker 2

When everybody left.

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Left, I could have given them away. I could have brought them into the office. I could have disposed of them somehow. Giving them to a neighbor, giving them to people in our life, and just gotten rid of them. So I learned. And now that for me personally not having those sweets around, even though I failed by eating them the other day.

00:26:43 Speaker 2

They learned I just could get rid of them so.

00:26:47 Speaker 1

There’s certain there’s certain Key Lime pies we cannot get rid of because they’re specially made for me.

00:26:54 Speaker 1

And it would be a sin.

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To throw it away.

00:26:55 Speaker 2

Well, Jeff is talking about our daughter Megan every year, mate. He loves kale and pie. And Jeff’s birthday is January 1st. So happy birthday. Almost birthday, honey. So New Year, new new birthday and.

00:27:04 Speaker 1

Thank you, almost birthday.

00:27:10 Speaker 2

That’s fine, but every year she makes a killing pie. No, you don’t want to get rid of that.

00:27:14 Speaker 1

And it’s not just Key Lime Pie. It’s Megan’s Key Lime Pie. Yeah. Ohh my gosh.

00:27:17 Speaker 2

Homemade canine pie with white chocolate shavings on it. Yeah, it’s amazing.

00:27:22 Speaker 1

Let’s not let’s not go there, OK?

00:27:24 Speaker 2

OK, so as you go through this year?

00:27:27 Speaker 2

As you go through any new start that you have, be willing not to choose failure because that’s not not going to serve you right. But if it happens along the way and it will learn from it, don’t do it twice. Don’t do it in the same way, just learn from it and keep moving forward.

00:27:46 Speaker 2

Find out what is going on.

00:27:48 Speaker 2

On dissect it, explore it and love yourself through it and move forward, right.

00:27:55 Speaker 1

Yeah, 2024 is going to be the best year in our lives. You know, we we have to commit to that.

00:28:01 Speaker 2

We have to commit to and like we said, it doesn’t have to be the new year to reinvent who you are and restart. Give yourself that jump start.

00:28:10 Speaker 2

So we hope you have an amazing, happy and safe new year. May you be blessed. Figure out your plan, your goals and go from.

00:28:22 Speaker 1

Happy New Year everybody.

00:28:23 Speaker 2

Happy New year. We’ll see you next.

00:28:25 Speaker 1

See you next.

00:28:26 Speaker 1

Bye. You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there.

00:28:42 Speaker 1

So if you are ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit [email protected]. That’s LAD as in lifeafterdivorce-coaching.com.

00:28:57 Speaker 2

Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.