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Ep. 136 – Loving your life after Divorce

You truly have the capacity and capability to create the life you want and deserve after Divorce. In this episode Jeff and Doreen will discuss how the pieces explained in the last five episodes all work together in this recording of February’s webinar.

Transcript

Doreen 00:08
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve, and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life, the best chapter.

Jeff 00:38
Good afternoon, everybody. Welcome to Life After Divorce Coachings webinar on loving your life after divorce. My name is Jeff Wilson. And I just wanted to give you a little bit of background on me first. Some of you may know and some of you may not know that I am also a fourth degree black belt sensei. I used to own two dojos they were called lifestyle, martial arts. And what does this have to do with coaching? It actually has a lot to do with it. My passion in life is always to teach discipline and respect and confidence in goal setting physical fitness and health. And, you know, motivation. And I turned that passion from the martial arts schools into my coaching practice. When I became a certified coach, that was part of my passion is passing that on to teaching again, the lifestyle of creating that amazing life after divorce. And one of my favorite sayings is how is a mind like a parachute. It always works best when it’s open. So I want to thank you for coming had that open mind and a learning mind. And we’ll get ready to get started. To my left is my partner, Doreen. Good afternoon.

Doreen 02:01
Hey, everyone, I want to introduce myself. Well, first of all, Jeff and I are partners in life as well. And we’re also partners in business at life after divorce coaching for you, for those of you that don’t know me, I am a board certified marital and family lawyer, practicing for going on 30 years now. Time flies. And I’m also the owner of two law firms. One is Yaffa Family Law Group. It’s a litigation boutique type, firm. And then I have a new firm, it’s called SplytUp. And it’s for uncontested divorces. We just launched that last week. So we’re very proud to announce that. I first fell into coaching years ago, it was right after my divorce, when I was feeling very lost. And I found what we’re going to teach you today, which is the model. And I have to tell you that it truly changed my life. What I realized was that the coaching tools that we learned becoming certified coaches, but what I learned as being a student of coaching, was that you truly can have the life that you believe you can have, it is possible. But it takes really controlling our mind. And when I realized this, it changed my future. And it made for a much happier existence on so many levels. So Jeff, and I inspired to bring that to you today. So if you get a little bit out of this, or a lot out of this, we’re here to really spread the love spread the word. One of the things I think that I want to impress is first of all, it’s around noon time, Eastern Standard Time. It’s lunchtime for many of us. So please gather in, get yourself a snack, whatever that looks like for you. And whatever you had going on before you got here today. And whatever you were dealing with, or whatever you have to do after, give yourself the beauty and the benefit and the self love of this one hour of time to focus in on the most important person truly, which is you. So as I touched on, or maybe you know, Jeff and I both went through our own divorces, we have sat right where you are. And even though I’m a law lawyer practicing in this field for many years, when you’re a client, and you’re in your position going through a divorce, it’s a much different seat to be in. So we respect that. I went through a relatively simple divorce and I’m very good friends with my ex husband, Jeff not so much. So we bring a blended of experiences here and with our bat backgrounds as well. So with all that said, Jeff, let’s get started.

Jeff 04:53
And just to make that clear, I’m good friends with her ex husband, all right. Anyway, let’s get started. Alright, first thing I want to go over briefly with you what the model is. Because in order to fall in love with your life after divorce, you want to understand each piece of the model. And there’s only five things we have to really know. And it’s not rocket scientists, right? Not rocket science. But it is something that is sent may sound simple, but it’s not necessarily easily implemented into our lives. The first is circumstances. Now, circumstances are just facts in your life, they’re undeniable, they will hold up in a court of law. If you say it’s raining outside and it’s raining outside, you can’t say it’s sunny. It’s these are the facts. Now what the thoughts are thoughts are sentences in your mind, that you’re going to have about your circumstances, we have over 60,000 thoughts per day, in our own mind. Now, unfortunately, a lot of these are on autopilot, you can imagine counting 60,000 thoughts in one day. So they happen automatically. Most of them don’t necessarily serve us for our serve our purpose, serve our goals, or serve our desires in our future life. So that’s why we have to focus those thoughts on being purposeful. Okay, now, what happens is those thoughts are going to drive feelings, you’re gonna have some kind of feeling from your thoughts, okay? Whether it’s sadness, or anger, or happiness and joy, your thoughts, create your feelings, from those feelings are going to generate certain actions. And actions are something that you do, or maybe something that you don’t do. And those actions will drive your results. So if you’re unhappy with the results in your life, typically, it’s because you haven’t been doing the proper actions to give you the proper life. If you’re happy with where you’re at, and you’re happy with what you’re doing, you probably have done the correct actions. It’s as simple as that. Doreen I know, you have an example of the of how the model works.

Doreen 07:14
Yes, yes. And the beauty about the model is that it’s within your control. And that when you concentrate on the thought line, the thoughts always equate to the results in your life, recognizing what we call the model, using the CTFAR throughout your day is really the beauty here. Right? So let’s take an example. Right? Let’s say that your circumstance is your ex, your ex is a person, they’re a human body, right? That’s a fact, what you think about your ex comes from your thought. So let’s say your thought is, he or she is a jerk, right? Now, if you thinking that thought you’re feeling might be something like anger, you have anger inside of you, we’re gonna get in break into each of these and what they feel like and mean. But if you have anger, most likely or action, let’s say your your ex now texted you any text, right? And it’s not real pleasant. So if you think that he or she is a jerk, you have a feeling of anger, that text comes in your action might be to shoot back another nasty checks, right? Without even thinking about it. This is just how the human brain works. And the result is now you’re in a text war. But being in a text war doesn’t serve your purpose isn’t helpful to you, as an individual isn’t helping to be helpful to your children, and certainly isn’t helpful to maintaining a better relationship with your ex, let’s say for co parenting moving forward. So what you try to do is you try to gently go into an intentional thought that you can believe it might be he or she is a good parent. And that might be just enough to start to change your relationship. Let’s say your result is you want to have a good co parenting relationship, you got to start thinking these thoughts. So the recipe for change is really taking all of the components of the model, each of them breaking them down the CTFAR and interacting and using them together. And when you can do this, this is where you have like a recipe, right? Whether you cook a recipe, make recipe, bake a recipe, or you enjoy it by eating it when it comes together, and it’s in perfect balance. It’s amazing. And that’s what the model does. So we’re going to, we’re going to move into what that looks like. And the beauty of this is that you control all of the power here, it’s within your thoughts, right? So you can really, really create that life on purpose that you’re looking for. And that’s where the shift happens, you start to look at your results, and what I call reverse engineer them, looking back as to what you really want and how you’re going to get there. So now we’re going to talk about some circumstances that you might be dealing with.

Jeff 10:28
Yeah, let’s break it down. And we’re going to take each section of the model and break it down a little bit. And again, circumstances are the facts outside of your control. And it could be for an example, you got filed divorce papers. I mean, you have the papers in your hand, it’s a fact you cannot deny it. And again, some people mistake their thoughts for circumstances. In other words, like the example we use, my ex is a jerk. And that’s a fact. No, no, because somebody may really like your ex, and maybe his parents thinks he’s the best thing ever. So again, you got to make sure that you understand a fact is a fact, it’s undeniable. And I’m gonna give you some examples of how a circumstance that you might be going through right now, may work. So in other words, let’s say you have your divorce have been filed. Maybe you got the final judgment, your divorce is over, and it’s on paper, and it’s done. Maybe your ex has moved out, and they’re gone, their clothes are gone. Everything, they it’s a fact they’re gone. You have a timeshare schedule, and it’s something you have to follow, it’s on paper, what you got out of the divorce, maybe your child support or your alimony, whatever it is, it’s a fact it’s a number. Maybe you have a court order to sell the house, that’s a fact you must sell your house. And then it’s time to relocate, want to find a place to new start a fresh life. So those are some examples of circumstances that you may have in your life today. Now, some of them can change, some of them cannot change. We’re gonna give you an example of that next.

Doreen 12:09
Right. So it’s really important to understand your circumstance is your fact today. It’s non debatable. I like to say in a court of law, right, it’s a proven fact. But you can move certain circumstances you can change them, you have the power of doing that. The important thing is recognizing what you can and you cannot change and of course, then identifying your result, right. So we’re going to talk about that. Because, remember, a circumstance is a fact that no two people can disagree about, right. And so we have to start there. And now we realize, hey, what can we change? What do we want our life to really look like after divorce? You know, the amazing thing about divorce, if there is anything amazing, and there are things and this is where the mind shift, and the thoughts change. And that’s where we help our clients as coaches, is that divorce sometimes can propel you, right? It’s kind of that slap in the face, if you want to say, you know, sometimes it’s an illness. Sometimes it’s a death of a loved one, some many times it’s divorce, it’s like, wait a second, what am I doing with my life? Right? Where do I really want to be, I look at it as like a new beginning a new creation of who you want to be, and really designing that you that future self, on purpose, and with action towards that purpose. So there’s certain things your ex, your ex, as I said before, he or she is just a human body person. They’re not a jerk, they’re not the best person until you ever thought about them. But they exist, right? can change your ex, we do a lot of this encoding as well. And I dealt with this myself for many years and still struggle with it, right? People, adults get to behave and be who they want to be. We can try to change them. We can nag them, we can put little reminders up for them to do things. They may or may not do what we asked them, they may not even know what we want them to be like. And so we talk about that. That’s called the manual, that’s deeper. And it’s in one of our podcast, we have a podcast as well. So you can find a lot of the topics we’ll talk about today there. But recognizing that you cannot change somebody is really important. Now the things you can change. Your financials are as they are today. But your financial circumstance now is something you can work on. You know what the agreement provides. It’s just a fact. But you have control over this you can work on on better finances. You have the power here. Maybe you want a bigger bank account. Maybe you want to make more Money, maybe you want to get out of debt, maybe you want to buy a nicer home, all of these things you control, all of these things are within your grasp. It’s just simply using the model, keeping your thoughts in check, figuring out your results and getting there. Most people just don’t get there because they don’t understand the model. They don’t slow down to think about what it all means. And like I said, for me, personally, it was life changing. Next one is the kids. We certainly don’t want to train our kids, right? Okay, sometimes, but no, not really. We have four kids between us, right? We don’t want to trade our kids and their little human people, maybe they’re bigger, but they are who they are. Right. But as parents different than with adults, because adults, we cannot change, we have to respect that and move on from that, right. We don’t like who we’re with, we just don’t be with them anymore. We accept it and we move on, right? But kids are looking to us to be role models, we are part of our job, as parents most would agree is to teach them to show them the way to guide them, right. But you may want to have a better relationship with your children, maybe the divorce has caused some distance between you and you’re looking to get back in touch with them. Or maybe you want them to work on their grades, all doable things to change it from where it is now to where it can be health. So important, right? We don’t have our health, we don’t have anything. And we all know and probably new people that have dealt with health issues. Not a good place to be in, right. But we have an existing health profile. If we went got a blood work, and we did some testing, within a degree of science, they could tell us certain things about our health, we can change that with today’s science and the things that are available to us, we can work towards better health, whatever those health goals are. Career, this is one of my favorites. You know, I own three businesses, I just thrive on this. But being your independent person, having your financial stability, building your career, finding out what truly is your passion, what I call unique abilities, you know, really zoning in, because when you find that, and you make that part of your career, what you love to do what you’re passionate about, and you can make money at that. That’s a beautiful thing. And you have the the power to have your thoughts, create the results, you want to get there. Right? Relationships, we touched a little bit about children. But I’m sure that some of you out there are dealing with lost relationships because of the divorce. You are married with someone you maybe went out with couples a lot of the time, as they say in divorce, you find out who your friends are, who your friends are doing inventory. I have these friends, I have these family members, I have these co workers and these neighbors and decide on purpose. Who do you want to maintain your relationships with? Who do you want to build and work on? Who do you maybe want to say, oh, that’s probably not a good person for me to be around. Right? I want to be around people that inspire me, and help me grow and motivate me, one of our daughters plays, D1 or used to play D1 volleyball. And what do we say Jeff? When when a team came in, that would play not so great, they play down. So think about who you’re with, play up you on a future being in a certain position, go hang with people like that. Right. All right. So we’re going to change we’re gonna turn now what, Jeff, to thoughts?

Jeff 18:40
Yes, we’re gonna go with the next. You know, and if you think about it, no pun intended. You can’t do anything about your circumstance. Those are facts. And everything else down line of the model is based on your thoughts. So how powerful are our thoughts? I mean, that’s the probably the biggest thing we have. Now you remember, when you were a child, your parents maybe told you what to think, or how to think when you were in school, maybe your teachers taught you what to think, and how to think. But now that we’re on our own, and you’re adults, we kind of think on our own. And again, as mentioned before, 60,000 thoughts per day, most of them unintentional, and unintentional. Most of them without purpose, and most of them maybe even negative, especially the ones that we tell ourselves, maybe I’m too thin or I’m too fat, or I’m not good enough, or I’ll never be this or I can’t do that. So you have to be very, very careful with your thoughts and have intentional thoughts. You can control your thoughts, and I’m going to give you some an example, or actually an example of how you can change some of those thoughts. Alright, Doreen.

Doreen 19:59
Yeah, well, let’s talk about if you don’t mind, we had a recent call with a client. And I believe the thoughts that this person was having was something to the effect of “‘m not good enough”.

Jeff 20:11
I’m not good enough.

Doreen 20:12
Yes. And I want to just take a moment just to backstep on that, because I think it’s really important. I’m not good enough. If you wake up today, any one of us and we thought, I’m just not good enough? I’m not good enough. Okay, well, first of all, you’re probably not going to be too enthusiastic about getting out of bed. Right, you probably want to put the covers over your head and just forget about it, you certainly might not have the energy to get up and go to the gym. Or to start working on outlining your resume, for a new career. You’re going to be stuck in a place of I’m not good enough, because I’m not good enough is a thought remember, that always correlates with the result. Because if you don’t get out of bed, you don’t go to the gym, you don’t work on your career, you’re going to be where you are today. And you think you’re not good enough, right? We want to make that better. So let’s talk about some things you may be thinking. And again, when I told you about my history of practicing family law for about 30 years now, wasn’t to impress you, it was to impress upon you that I’ve heard all of these, both in my practice as a lawyer and as a life coach, and I’m sure most of you have thought these or you’ve heard them from people in your life that have gone through a divorce, that you’re close with, right? So my divorce sucked. Okay, that’s, that’s a common thing. When people get stuck in that story. We do a lot of story work with our clients. Let’s retell your story. I know we have a podcast episode on that one, right. So my divorce sucked doesn’t propel you forward, because your action line from that from the feeling isn’t going to be really great. But how about if you just gently turn that thought to my divorce suck to looking forward to a new life? Oh, that sounds a little believable. That’s true. I mean, think about it. Think about all the people you know, that went through a divorce, and they’re doing pretty good. Hey, I can look forward to my new life. I can’t do this alone. That’s another one. Right? Jeff? We hear a lot. I don’t know how to do this alone. Or I can’t do this. Well, first of all, we don’t like the word can’t. I think they should eliminate them from the vocabulary.

Jeff 22:26
Four letter word.

Doreen 22:28
But how about looking forward to new challenges? Right? Yeah, it’s not going to be simple. It’s not going to be easy. Not all the time. And you can do hard things we can as humans do hard things. So looking forward to new challenges learning from them. We’re constantly challenging, challenging ourselves. The ex is a jerk. We talked about that one, maybe move it gently. This is a harder one for many of you. Right dealing with your exes. To he’s a good parent, or she’s a good parent, or it’s fine. Something. Okay, whatever it is, there’s got to be a little something to start building a better relationship. I have no money. That’s another one. Right? Of course, divorce puts people in different financial positions. That’s part unfortunately, what happens in divorce two incomes versus one, splitting assets and liabilities and everything else that you all are becoming aware of, or no, right, but I’m looking forward to making a lot of money. Right? I talked about that career, making a lot of money, you can make a lot of money. Life isn’t fair. That’s another one I got, you know, dealt a bad hand all of that that’s retelling your story. Again, we got to retell your story. But that life is both good and bad. It’s very easy. When you scroll through your social media, you look at advertisements, you pick up a newspaper, or a magazine, to think that life is all rainbow don’t daisies and you know, unbelievable. But the reality is life is both good and bad. You have good days, you have bad days, you have good things that happen you have bad things that happen sometimes in your control, some isn’t. Knowing that helps you to have a better perspective, because if we had all good, and somehow we’re taught that, you know, they lived happily ever after. Well, nobody lives 100% happily ever after. That’s not reality. You’re gonna have good years, bad years, good days, bad days, all of that. But life is good, but both good and debt bad can balance you to be a little more receptive to the bad things and to use it to propel you forward. Yeah, so that’s some of our gentle ways on how to start to rethink your thoughts.

Jeff 24:47
And before we get into feelings, I want to talk about something that we use a lot in the dojo was truth in advance. Now a lot of people maybe thinking out there that how can I think that I’m looking forward to a new life when I don’t even believe in myself? You know, my you know, the good parent, I don’t even believe you have to think future forward, you have to think future tense. Okay there. For everybody, anybody’s read Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, beginning with the end in mind, you want to think future thoughts of what you want the ending to look like to create it in the present. Okay, so you had, that’s why we use vision boards. That’s why we use affirmations, sometimes you have to convince yourself by having thoughts that maybe don’t exist in your life right now that all of a sudden become true to you.

Doreen 25:48
And one other thing, Jeff, and I’m reading a book right now future self, anybody you know, is interested in having more reference on we read a lot, so, but it’s about really living your future self. If you were that person that had blank, fill it in, whatever it is, okay, how would you act? How would you behave? What would you do? What does that future self exist like? How do they dress? How do they get up in the morning? How do they go to the gym? Right, all of those things. All right. Back to feelings, right?

Jeff 26:22
Yeah, I mean, it’s a difference between living day to day, or being excited about waking up and thinking about the future, you know, it’s very, it’s a big difference. Okay. After thoughts, they’re going to lead to feelings. Okay? And feelings are basically vibrations in your body. And have you ever anybody out there been hungry before starving, you can feel it in your body, you got I mean, I got a pain in my gut, I’m so hungry. When it comes to feelings, it’s kind of similar. If you’re angry, you can almost feel the tension in your neck, your tension in your back. If you’re sad, you feel it in your heart. Okay, if you’re joyful, and you’re, you feel that euphoria in your body, okay, so feelings are vibrations in your body that you can truly, truly feel. Now, what’s important here is identifying what the feeling is that you’re having. Once you identify the feeling that you’re having, especially if you don’t like the feeling you’re having, then you can go backwards and say, Well, what thought am I having that’s giving me this feeling that I’m not happy with. So you have to identify it. Now we’re not saying get rid of the feeling and move on. That’s impossible. You have to work through the feeling. And part of working through that feeling is identifying it, understanding what thought got you there, working on a new thought, and then you’ll start working on a new feeling. Okay, so we’re going to start with we’re gonna work a little bit on that now, within our next slide, and we’re gonna work on feelings that drive our actions.

Doreen 28:07
Yeah and one of the things if I can just recap on that, Jeff for a moment is that you know, feelings are first something you should identify. What is your feeling, and then where am I feeling it physically in your body, because you will find it if you if you search for it really, truly is present, maybe you have to breathe, do some meditation, just even just slow down and have complete silence around you to feel it in your body. But it’s got it needs to work through you. When you are going through divorce, you are going to have some very strong negative feelings. All of you have likely touched on this anger is one sadness, loneliness, despair, all of overwhelm all of those feelings, right? And you have to work through them and let them go basically, through your body. I say you can’t go around them or over them. And people try to do that. People try to play with their feelings, and that’s called what we call in coaching, buffering. And there’s plenty of ways to buffer. I’m feeling stressed. So let me have a glass of wine. I’m feeling still stressed. Let me have another. I’m feeling like I need to give up and I don’t have any reason to be here. You know, I can’t get past this. Let me go eat and not think about it. Right? All of those things. So here are some things, some feelings that are probably you may have felt and and you may feel and when you’re feeling feelings through divorce, different stages before during after and going on. They come and go and during different waves. In our course we talk more specifically about that and we do a lot of work on feelings. We do a work on all of these but frustration that’s one that’s called an acceptance, accepting the divorce accepting, this is here because of some reason why it happened maybe is important for us to understand on some levels and to get deeper on because the Why might help us to not make the same mistakes moving forward, right to learn and grow from. But that’s important overwhelm, to now being focused. Overwhelm is something that a lot of the clients deal with, focused and I have some ways of doing mammas speak a little bit later about that dissatisfaction. I’m not satisfied with what I got to more of a satisfied life. That’s another one, hopelessness to hopefullness. This is not going well, I have no hope to I got a little hope. Right? There’s some glimmer here, you can find something good, I promise you. Anger much better to be changed into kindness, it may feel good at the time, you know, that anger, that text comes in, and you just feel like, Hey, I gotta text him back. And let me show him or her what I got to say. But it truly doesn’t get you anywhere. It just provides more distance. And let me if you’re going through a divorce right now, this is a big one. And your lawyers will thank you when you learn this, because it’s one of the reasons I truly believe that people get stuck in not settling their divorces sooner than later is they live in a lot of these feelings that don’t move them into getting past their divorce. Anger is one of those, well, he can’t have that or she’s not getting that really isn’t necessary. You know why? And these types of things, boredom, to motivation, fearful to confidence. Confidence is a big one, we want to build your confidence. Sad. And remember, sad has a place, be sad. You should grieve the loss of your marriage. Some take longer, some less. But it is appropriate to do that. We’re not saying you jump right out of these live with the sadness, understand where it’s coming from, take some time to deal with that. Do some self care, don’t just jump. Some things we can jump a little sooner on some not so much. Right? And loneliness. That’s another one. Don’t know how to be social. I don’t know how to get out there. I feel really lonely. My kids are away half the time. Right? To being social, on a small level go out and volunteer beautiful thing to do, right? Passion, common goals with people elevating yourself a bigger purpose, a bigger self future. A good way to get out there. Okay, so now we’re going to talk about what Jeff we’re gonna go into..

Jeff 32:44
Well, feelings are going to drive your actions. And action can be an action or it can be an inaction. So if you’re not doing anything, because of your feelings, that’s still an action that can hurt your results. Actions can also create the results that you want. So it’s all based on the thoughts that you have, that create the feelings that create the actions. Now, if you think of the word motivation, it’s the motive to take action. So that’s why the why is so important than the thoughts have to be so important. So that you have the motive to take the proper action, to create the life that you desire and to create the life that you deserve. So we’re gonna go over some actions that don’t serve you first, then we’re gonna go over some actions that do serve you. And

Doreen 33:40
again, these are just from years of doing this and you could fit in your own, and what that looks like. So I may have touched on this a moment ago, I gave a little bit of an example. But over drinking, over eating, using drugs, over anything, not a word, but a word I created right over anything, because when you over anything, insert whatever that looks like. It’s usually because you’re trying to get that dopamine hit, when you eat sugar, when you drink when you drink alcohol. When you do when certain activities such as gambling and things like this, if you study the brain, there is a dopamine hit. And we are born as humans, we are humans. And it is our job, our bodies job, our minds job to protect us, to nurture us to take the path of least resistance. And nowadays, there are so much dopamine hits around us, right? Go to your local store, go to your refrigerator, wherever it is, you know, turn on the computer, it’s there. And so it’s natural for us to want to get rid of a bad feeling right? body’s trying to protect us. It’s called a primitive brain, your primitive brain saying Get rid of this feeling, don’t like it, let me go drink something that’ll be better, right? So just being so aware of that little primitive brain and what it’s telling you and using what we call your prefrontal brain, your human thinking brain, your high level, I like to call it your adult brain to say, wait a second primitive brain, I do this because they’re like, on my shoulder. And I say, No, we’re not going to drink that today, because we’re on a protocol. And we’ve got certain calories we got to maintain. And that’s not within the budget, okay, of what I want to do today. So your prefrontal knows that, but your primitive is going to go you know what, you had a really hard day today. It’s this one time, don’t worry, you’ll start tomorrow, you know, the, you like testing you all day? Go ahead. And it sounds really good. Like, it’s so convincing. It’s so light. Yeah. But you are smarter than that, right? So some of the things also criticizing and judging people doesn’t ask yourself, most importantly, are you really hard on yourself, you know, that’s not going to serve you that is an action, because you self sabotage yourself, in many ways, self neglect, that plays into that as well. You know, there’s a reason they tell you on the airplane, when they do the safety presentations to put on your mask first. And then help the others even though it’s a child, or an elderly person that needs assistance, right? Because if you’re not good, if you’re not, okay, then your kids, yourself, your family, your work, your career, everything falls apart. So you got to give yourself the time, just like you are today. Hiding, you know, you can hide it’s an inaction, but it’s an action, it’s a choice not to get out and move to do. And you could just hide, not probably an action that serves you. Under earning, we talked about focusing on your ex? Is a lot of sometimes conversation about that. Why am I thinking about this? Why am I focused so much on him or her? What is going on there? You got to get to your thinking about that, you know, what does that look like? Right? Where’s that stemming from? So you can clean that up and spend your time more efficiently. I like to also suggest that you know, probably your ex is not your favorite person right now. Right? I rest assure with many of you you’re like yeah, Doreen, that’s it, and probably saying to me, you don’t know my ex, right? I probably do in the sense of I’ve met a lot of personalities in 30 years, and some really challenging people out there. And I get it from bipolar two, you know, all of these different labels that we hear of. But when you focus on the person that is your least favorite person, think about what that does, why would they have that control over you? Right? What is going on there that that gets to control that part of you and you’re spending your time? Again, this is one life, it’s not a dress rehearsal here on Earth. So we want to use our time efficiently. Procrastination, we talked a little bit about talking and speaking about your divorce situation, like retelling your story. Oh, but let me tell you about my divorce. Just the words and the thoughts on that, that stem the action of the words, not a good use. And then buffering also is known as spending a lot of time on wasted things. binging on series. Look, I love to binge on series. If anybody has any good ones, please send them over always looking for one or two. But yeah, like really just like, hey, I’m gonna zone out. And there are times to give yourself the right to do that. But when you’re doing that on a continuous basis and not moving forward, that’s where the issues come in. Right? So awareness is key. We’re going to talk now about what Jeff actions that do serve you things that would really focus on. And

Jeff 39:00
I want to touch base a little bit more on the primitive brain versus the prefrontal cortex brain, because they’re primitive. And the reason they call it primitive is back in the cave days, if you went outside at the wrong time, you could be eaten. So you had to make sure that you were in survival mode. comfort zones are good, okay, do take it easy. Don’t make any decisions. Relax, don’t set any goals, don’t do any damage, that’s your primitive brain. Over the 1000s of years, we have developed as human beings, and our prefrontal cortex has taken over. With the prefrontal cortex. Now we can create these amazing event inventions. We can be logical, we can plan we can be organized. Okay, this is what the prefrontal cortex does for us. It helps us to set goals Okay, this is how you have the ability to take actions that do serve you. But don’t get caught up in that primitive brain. When you wake up in the morning and it’s chilly outside and those those covers feels so comfortable and they’re nice and warm, you don’t go to the gym. So you want to make sure that you’re sticking with your prefrontal cortex. This is how we’re going to take care of our proper nutrition, complimenting other people so that you get compliments back, how good is it feel when you make somebody else feel good? Okay, appreciating what we do have, when others have, it’s so much less than we do. Okay, getting it done. Self Care. And that’s not just nutrition and exercise. But it could be mental care, learning something new, podcasting, reading a great book, okay. Maybe taking your skills to the next level, you went out you after divorce. Now you need to start a new career, something that you’ve always wanted to do. And now you get the chance to do it, go back to college, do whatever you have to do to get it done. Focus on yourself. Like Doreen said about that mass coming down in the airplane. If you’re not taking care of yourself, there’s no way you can take care of somebody else. Move past the divorce, get over it, be future tense minded. Think about yourself and your future, and what future you want to create for yourself. Planning family time, you know, this is so important not only if it’s your goal to reconnect with your family, or improve the relationship with your kids that maybe have gotten a little bit of a damaged relationships because of the divorce. But surround yourself with love. You want to surround yourself with people that love you and people that you love, this is so important for the future, the things that propel you closer to an amazing life that you want, you know, again, with our prefrontal cortex, you are smart, you know what you should be doing. And now get out there and do it. It’s as simple as that, right? And then what that’s going to do is that it’s going to create the results in your life. So if you’re happy with the results, it’s because those actions that you’ve taken, were proper actions. If you’re not so happy, maybe you were happy in the back then you know, in the past with your results, but the past is the past. We can’t live in the past. If you want to create good, amazing, wonderful results. Right now, in the near future. You have to look at those actions. What have you been doing? Or what are you going to do? And what thoughts and feelings do you have to have to get that job done? So let’s go that’s the results. And now what I want to do is I want to talk about how do we get there? So Doreen how do we get there?

Doreen 42:54
Well, easier said than done. Practice, practice, practice, it’s with everything. There is no magic formula or pool or pill, other than practice, okay? So when you get up in the morning, we use this example. And you don’t want to go to the gym that you already scheduled and plan because you have a result that you want, which is to get in better shape and maybe to lose weight or gain weight. And you know, you want to get in the gym to do that to be part of that action plan. And when you get up, you just do it anyhow. You know, Nike, the Nike saying, Just do it. You just get up and you take one step. Maybe like me, because I don’t like doing it in the morning, but I do it. Get your clothes out the night before. You’re trying to figure out a new career path. Get your materials and your outlines out the day before put it on your calendar. I’m big about calendaring. My team knows that everything is on my calendar. Right? Are you just reverse engineering, reverse engineer and I’m always telling them that and you just do it anyhow, you put on your clothes, you still don’t want to go to the gym. Okay, so you walk around a little bit, get yourself some cup of coffee, a cup of tea, maybe some water and just keep moving, get into the car, whatever the example is for you. You just do it. Anyhow. The other tip I can give you on how to get there is to use the divorce, as I said before, as a energy source, right to energize you take the negative, let’s make it into the positive. Put the energy here focusing there doesn’t serve you we’re going to focus here. You only have so much energy and so many hours in a day. Let’s use it efficiently, right? Autopilot knowing where you are in the CTFAR, right don’t be on autopilot. So slow down. Think first. Right I’m feeling Angry let me write down my thought. Let me go because you can work it, like I said, I believe earlier. And by the way, if you have questions, I don’t think I said this, you can start to put them in the chat, because we’ll do some questions at the end. But you want to energize yourself, right? And you want to move into where is that whatever, I’m feeling anger, it’s in that feeling line, what thought am I having so you can really work anywhere in this in the model that you want to get the results you want, then you just have to prioritize. You have to prioritize, don’t try to do it all at once. I was a that was another thing I struggled and I still struggle with. Okay, you can’t be amazing all the time that everything, guys and girls, as much as you want to think you can do it all. Listen, you got to focus on certain things. You know, that’s why when we work with our clients, we say pick one major goal, we can have some little goals. But let’s pick a big one and reverse engineer it and figure it out. And then we can start to add. So you want to be be prioritized. stay committed, we talked about just do it anyhow, be your best friend. The self sabotage taught not good, right? If you wouldn’t say it to an acquaintance, then don’t say it to yourself. Think about it. What am I saying to myself? Those are the thoughts. Why am I saying that? I wouldn’t say that even to my neighbor, who by the way I don’t really, you know, is a friend but you don’t really know. But you wouldn’t talk to people like that. celebrate your achievements. You can gain momentum by understanding what we call your wins. You have many wins every day, waking up being here on this pot on this, I’m sorry, this webinar today, that is a win, give yourself a high five, pat yourself on the back. Appreciate it. You don’t have to lose the 10 pounds first to congratulate yourself. You stayed on track today. That’s one accomplishment, right? We use weight because it’s very easy for people to understand. And then get support. You know, we talked about relationships, get the best resources in place that you can possibly get, right? Whether it’s a coach, whether it’s, you know, a buddy, whether it’s a trusted family member, an accountability partner, get support, and let them help you. Okay, so that’s where you just have to get in, prioritize, use your CTFAR and slow down. Right? It is possible, amazing to have an amazing life. It really is. And you can create it, you just have to focus in and just give yourself a break.

Jeff 47:49
Yeah, you know, and speaking of support, you know, Doreen and I both our own business coaches, we have life coaches, they help us with our business, they help us with our life. It’s not something that you only need, and desire when you’re going through a divorce. You know, as human beings, we’re constantly using the model, we’re constantly being coached on different things. So as easy again, as I said earlier, as easy as it may seem as a concept. It’s not that easy or simple to put it to use in your own life, you always need help, and always need guidance from from somebody. That’s why support is so important. And life after divorce, you know, we put these things into effect that are sustainable actions. In other words, again, it’s not a short term goal. When you’re talking about creating the life that you want after divorce, you’re talking about creating a life. You’re not talking about creating a month. You’re not talking about creating a year you’re talking about creating a lifetime.

Doreen 49:06
I got one. Oops, it just went away. I just saw one question over here. What is the difference? What is the difference between therapy and coaching, right? Yes. And okay. So they’re very different, but they work in complement together. So therapy, licensed therapists schooling licensed through the state. And they look at where do you present today? What’s going on? And look backwards? What got you to where you are? Is there some mental illness that needs to be looked at? Is this just a matter depression or whatever it looks like, right? And they’re diagnosing you based on that and they’re working through your past life coaches. I know you won’t know all, as you all know the answer, we’re forward based, we’re future minded. We’re working on goal setting and creating that amazing life, whatever that looks like. We’re helping you to retell your story and to get a grip and to move into that. Right. So we’re very future focused, so you can see how they can work together. I think that helps. I had another one. Can we get copies of the slides from? I think it’s Luna? And the answer is yes, of course. And we’re going to send you also a copy of this video. You can look at it, but we’ll certainly I believe we can send those as well through slide. Right. Okay. Yep.

Jeff 50:42
I have another question. I see. Yeah, this is how I’m feeling overwhelmed. Where do I begin? Ah, that’s a good one. Well, you know, and the first thing that comes to mind is take a deep breath, in through your nose out through your mouth and slow down, right, you know, how do you eat an elephant, one bite at a time, you know, you want to make sure that you’re slowing down, not overwhelming yourself and take things piece by piece, prioritize what you need to get done in the day, what I like to do is I have my must dos, my should d, osand my would like to dos. So my must dos are my priorities. My should dos if I get time to him, I will do him and would like to do is maybe reading the current magazine or newspaper, if I get time, you know, I’ll get that get that to that if I can. But the must dos have to get done, I know during what she likes, and one thing that we do every Monday morning is a Monday morning thought, download, we put everything that we have to do I mean everything on our papers, okay, it’s usually two or three pages long, start crossing off what we can eliminate, this really doesn’t have to get done, okay, and then oh, I can delegate it, put a D there, let’s delegate this. And then when you’re done, your list doesn’t seem too bad, you may not be overwhelmed, as much as possible. I also find that the most, the more organized you are with your day, planning things out calendar and calendaring, everything, putting things on a schedule, then you will get things done, okay, you you’re not going to be able to get as much done in a day as you think you want to, or you think you can, and guess what, they’ll always be tomorrow, it will always be there. Okay, so and what’s really a state of overwhelm? It’s a, it’s a thought. So we talked about changing your thoughts, you’re not in a state of overwhelm, you’re in a state of organization. And hopefully that helps.

Doreen 52:56
And, you know, I like to my little trick is to think about my future self and my goals. And what action am I taking that day, I actually don’t I have a binder, a journal, and I, every morning, I write in it, and I put the day and I just put the areas topics of my life. So health, social work, you know, career work, family, and then I put down the three things that are most important to my goals and each of those categories. And I try to be as realistic as possible, because sometimes we do try to take on too much. We don’t give our time, ourself time to breathe, try, time to relax, time to even eat lunch. You know, most of us are eating on the on the go. And so sometimes I have to, I look back at the end of the day, and I go, Yeah, I put too much on here. Right. So that helps me and I told you all I was very frank that I deal with overwhelm a lot. I see. There’s another question, Jeff, it says..

Jeff 53:56
It says when’s the best time to start coaching?

Doreen 54:00
Right?

Jeff 54:02
Oh, yeah, say to that one?

Doreen 54:05
Well, why don’t you answer that one?

Jeff 54:06
Okay, well, well, there’s no wrong time to start coaching. You know, I mean, there could be before you even contemplate divorce, to get your mindset ready for it could be during your divorce, I know that you have told me that those that are in coaching tend to be much better clients, because they have the right frame of mind to go through the system through the process. And then there’s after when you’re dealing with the healing process, the healing after divorce, and moving on after divorce. So I don’t think there’s a right or wrong time. And I’m still I mean, we’re 15 years married now happily married. I’m still getting coached. So there’s really no time not to start coaching. It’s always is going to be the right time. Yeah.

Doreen 55:01
Somebody asked a question. I, you know, and it says, can you talk about changing your thoughts and tell your story instead of other telling it to keep it positive? Right. Some of that retelling of the story is, well, all of this is about your thinking, you know that, right? So it’s really digging in to retell your story. And the best way to do it is to put down what you’re telling your story. Today, write it down, it’s going to be very therapeutic, it’s going to be hard, you might want to have some tissues with you. And really just journal it, write it down, then put it away, and come back within like 24 hours to 48 hours, pick it up again and read it, start to identify within that those words, your thoughts, what are your thoughts? What are circumstances? What are thoughts? What are feelings, identify them, if I was working with you, or Jeff was working with you on this, we would want to do this exercise. And then we would start to really identify some of the thoughts that are causing the feelings and the thoughts that you have today that you’re trying to change, right? To change your story. Right? And then we start building actually rewriting a story.

Jeff 56:26
Yeah, let’s, let’s write a new book together. In other words, even though it may be fantasy, or it may be fiction, let’s write a new story. Write your own story that you want to tell not the one that you’re currently telling. But write a new story, excuse me.

Doreen 56:47
Or that people are telling you.

Jeff 56:48
Yeah, where people are telling write your own story. And let’s and share that story with them. And this is the new story that I have, and you’re going to become that story, then you work it backwards. What are the thoughts that I have to have to create that story? What are the feelings that I need? What are the actions I have to take, and that story is going to become a true story.

Doreen 57:12
If you got one thing, and I hope that you all got something out of our webinar today, but I think the the key thing is awareness. Right? It is slowing down and having the awareness of your thoughts. What am I thinking? Don’t just think on let it go on autopilot. Right, the 60,000 thoughts you have. But what am I really thinking, if you have that alone, how many people don’t have that tool, they don’t understand that thoughts truly are a thing like it really is what moves everything. Whoever you look at as a mentor, or someone successful, whether it’s you know, on TV, or in the news or politician or whoever it is, you know, they had the right thinking to get that. Think about that. What it what were they using? What was their momentum, right? It’s amazing when you look at the stories and what they look like, it’s time to retell your stories, right to get to that. And again, it’s work. None of this is it just doesn’t happen like this. That’s why coaching or having if you can’t do the coaching, having that, buddy, accountability buddy is such a beautiful gift to yourself, because it just keeps you you know, when you have somebody at the gym that’s waiting for you, and you paid money for that coach to be there, you’re more likely to show up. And some of us need that. Some of us need that. And I can’t afford it is something we hear, but how can you afford not to?

Jeff 58:41
And one thing I want to add to that Doreen because a lot of people may not understand coaching, or think that coaching is right for them, you know, they can go to our website and set a free discovery call with me. Okay, all you have to do is just go to our website, which is lad-coaching.com. Or you can email me at [email protected] and set a discovery call. And it’s complimentary. It’s just to make sure that coaching is right for you, or to find out more about it. And how do you know what’s right for you if you don’t know enough about it? So education is king.

Doreen 59:22
Absolutely. All right. Well, look at that Jeff, we got 10 seconds look. I feel so blessed and honored. I thank you very much for coming here today. And I think once you to think yourself primarily is the most important thing. Now you can go on with your day. Take it with you give yourself a little break. You know, try to consume this. Take a walk, do whatever that looks like for you and we’re here for you.

Jeff 59:50
I hope to see you soon. Bye. Have an amazing week. Do you have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com. That’s LAD as in lad-coaching.com.

Doreen 1:00:25
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can..

Doreen & Jeff 1:00:31
Have an amazing life after divorce.

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