Ep. 137 – Be Future Minded in the Present

Jeff 00:00
Hello everyone out there. Today’s episode, we’re going to be talking about your future self, and living it in the present. So if you’re ready, let’s get started with episode number 137.

Doreen 00:21
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson. And we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the Life After Divorce that you deserve, and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise, as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life. The best chapter. Hey, Jeff!

Jeff 00:53
Hello, Doreen!

Doreen 00:54
Hey, so future self, I love talking about this one.

Jeff 00:58
It’s a great topic and it’s so logical, and it’s so obvious that I think everyone’s going to kind of get it.

Doreen 01:06
Now let’s talk though, let’s just check in with our listeners and what’s been going on. So one thing I’m kind of, or I am excited about is these webinars that we’ve been putting together. We just finished one, when was it, last month?

Jeff 01:19
Yes.

Doreen 01:20
About thoughts.

Jeff 01:22
Thoughts, and loving your life after divorce.

Doreen 01:24
And how to use the model, which is circumstance, creates a thought, creates a feeling, creates an action, creates a results you have in your life. That was last month. And so the next webinar that we are currently putting together is about boundaries.

Jeff 01:39
Boundaries. Yes.

Doreen 01:40
Yeah.

Jeff 01:41
Very strong and very important topic.

Doreen 01:44
I think it is because I think in general, whether you’re going through a divorce or not, I think that most, if not all of course, really don’t understand how we define boundaries as coaches, as two things that are really important, which is one, that you’re clear in setting the boundary, what it means the action that you don’t want. And then, two, that if the boundary is not adhered to, if it’s violated, that what the action will be that you can take. Right? So you want to give an example.

Jeff 02:25
Yeah, let’s say, every time you have a conversation about the kids and ends up in an argument.

Doreen 02:32
Yeah, and maybe it’s a little heated.

Jeff 02:34
A little heated, so the boundary might be, I do not want to have arguments with you anymore about the kids. Well, I mean, it’s gonna happen every now and then but when we talk, I want the conversation to remain calm.

Doreen 02:49
Right. Maybe not calm, but be even more definitive. It’s like, if you raise your voice.

Jeff 02:55
You raise your voice.

Doreen 02:55
Or use profanities, you want to be as clear as you can with the boundary

Jeff 02:59
Very true.

Doreen 03:00
Then I will hang up the phone.

Jeff 03:02
Right. That’s the consequence right there.

Doreen 03:04
Correct. So the boundary is very defined. And then you have control over it. Now, the hard part is following through.

Jeff 03:16
Following through.

Doreen 03:16
How many times do we set boundaries? Let’s say with our kids, if you don’t do this, I’m going to take away this and then they don’t do it, and you don’t take it away. Not a good message for ourselves.

Jeff 03:26
Or even ourselves because there’s internal boundaries that say, if I don’t do this, I’m going to do that. And you end up, well, next time.

Doreen 03:33
Yeah, exactly. I think I know that in the episodes that I did before you became involved in, which is episode number 8 and 9 boundaries, I think they would be helpful if anybody’s interested in going back and listening to that. So bottom line is boundaries will be the next webinar, and we will announce that date to our listeners, and it’ll be on our website, Life After Divorce Coaching, so you can also get updates there. Let’s turn back to Future Self.

Jeff 04:04
Our topic of today’s podcast.

Doreen 04:06
Yeah.

Jeff 04:07
Your Future Self. You know, we’ve been reading a book called Be Your Future Self Now, by Benjamin Hardy. He is very much involved with Dan Sullivan, who I think you said was a part of the strategic coaching or runs a strategic *inaudible*.

Doreen 04:23
He’s one of the owners of Strategic Coach, which I’m also involved in.

Jeff 04:26
Yes.

Doreen 04:27
And you know, big shout out to Rob Miller, who was so kind. He’s a financial planner here in town, and he sent me a copy of the book. He’s also been with Strategic Coach for many years. And it was interesting when you’re when you’re living the life of a coach and when you’re learning coaching as we are in always improving our skills for our clients. There’s so many different ways to teach thought work and in the book, being your future self. It’s just another way of looking at it. But they all kind of blend together with many of the greats who have taught all about how your thoughts create your results in your life.

Jeff 05:12
Right.

Doreen 05:13
And that’s really what all of our teachings, if you really dissect them they boil down to is how do we get there? Because I think we all strive, especially after divorce, to pick up the pieces, recover, go through whatever you need to go through emotionally because there is that healing period that recover. Recovery period. And then to move on to a better life. Right?

Jeff 05:37
Yeah, I think you and I both do a lot of reading. And while reading this book, and probably reading all the books that I read, I instantly thought how great this subject would be to share with our clients, our listeners, and how relevant it is to just you and I about thinking about our future and the present.

Doreen 06:01
Yeah, I mean, let’s just strip it down a little bit, you know, psychologist, and this is just based on our research and the book as well. Call Prospection, everything we do is driven by our prospects of the future. Right? So ask, why you do anything? You know, think about it. What is the reason or goal for this activity? What benefit Am I getting from this? Where is this activity taking me? So it’s basically the three levels of understanding the action that you’re taking, which is the what, the how, and the why. And knowing the why is the deepest and most powerful form of knowledge because the why is always the driver of the what and the how,

Jeff 06:58
Exactly.

Doreen 06:59
So think about that, again, I’m gonna say it one more time, knowing the why is the deepest and most powerful form of knowledge, because the why always is the driver of the what and the how.

Jeff 07:13
Right.

Doreen 07:14
So being your future self is all about, where you see yourself in the future. And living currently today, tomorrow, next month, and next year, you know, whatever it looks like, in keeping with that, how am I going to get there? Right?

Jeff 07:35
Right.

Doreen 07:36
And what do I need to do? Well, what do I need to do? And how do I do it to get there?

Jeff 07:40
Yeah, I think some simple examples of that were when we were younger, you know, we would think about going to Junior High going to High School, how do I get there, going to college, eventually, I want to get married and have kids and become a, you know, whatever for a career, we were much more future minded back then, much more future minded, what do I have to do? to pass this test, to get this grade, to go to the next grade level. And we were very much future minded when we’re younger, as we got older.

Doreen 08:15
But I think, yeah, go ahead.

Jeff 08:17
I was just gonna say, as we got older things change, we tend to focus more on the present.

Doreen 08:21
That’s true, but you know, thinking when you were a child, you didn’t have a choice, somebody guided you towards getting up in the morning, going to school, getting good grades, doing your homework, all the things.

Jeff 08:33
Exactly. All future purpose.

Doreen 08:34
You know. Well, right, because the future goal was to graduate and move on to the next level in your educational career, right? Then you take over as an adult, and we have to rely on ourselves, to be that thinking person for what our future life is going to look like and how it should be designed. Why is this relevant to divorce? Well, I think it’s relevant, really, to anybody, no matter where you find yourself today, but especially in divorce, because divorce gives you an opportunity to really rethink your life and your purpose and your why. It’s one of those things that kind of hit you straight in the face and you can’t ignore it. You know, you can’t say everything’s okay, like, a lot of people just go through the motions, it’s really kind of forces you into that position of acknowledging.

Jeff 09:27
Yeah.

Doreen 09:28
Oh wow, that part of my life is over, that life of what I knew it to be. Whatever that look like for you as an intact family is no longer there or going to be no longer there. And so now you got to face the reality of what is it going to look like in the future?

Jeff 09:44
Yeah, and I know exactly the reason why we stay staggered, and stay kind of in that autopilot mode. And it’s something we’ve used the term many times before. It’s called your primitive brain and you’ll always live from your past, which is very predictable, very safe, and very comfortable.

Doreen 09:44
Right.

Jeff 09:45
And we know how things are gonna go. So this is why we tend to stay out of that future tense mindset because of our primitive brain.

Doreen 09:59
Right. There’s another, as I was reading the book, there’s another statement, it was by Viktor Frankl from Man’s Search for Meaning. And he, the quote is “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how”, you know, and this is someone who went through the Holocaust and survived while his family members, many of his family members did not, if you know who he is, so the survival, you know, what would I take from that statement is that whatever you want your future self to be, there will be obstacles, and there will be lots of trying moments, right?

Jeff 11:03
Yeah.

Doreen 11:03
It’s not going to be just a clear path to success.

Jeff 11:07
Yes, it really requires creativity, it requires fear, the acceptance of the fact that you will fail.

Doreen 11:15
Yeah.

Jeff 11:15
And it also requires the possibility that things could harm us.

Doreen 11:19
Yeah.

Jeff 11:19
And if you ask your brain, it will definitely harm you.

Doreen 11:22
Right.

Jeff 11:22
Or your primitive brain anyway. so that’s why people get in that comfort zone.

Doreen 11:28
Yeah, it’s a primitive brains, it’s our human being, you know, built in structure of survival, you know, and survival means doing what you know, and not trying new things, in many respects, because of fear of what might happen.

Jeff 11:43
Right.

Doreen 11:43
Right? And so divorce forces you to try new things, you have to, you have no choice, right?

Jeff 11:51
Well, you don’t have to do anything. But you know, some people.

Doreen 11:53
Well you have to have, you know, you have to because you are now for example, single parent.

Jeff 11:58
Right.

Doreen 11:59
And one person has left the house, and so that you have been forced into, not by choice. So I think divorce forces you to be a new person, a different person, and to be a future self. What I know we’re suggesting to our listeners is create that future self with purpose, understanding your why intentionally so that you can truly design a life that you want. I mean, that, to me is the most important and the most fun part. If there is a fun part of helping divorce is that you get to now think about that on a such a different level.

Jeff 12:42
Isn’t it important that you first understand what it is that you want?

Doreen 12:47
Yeah, I think the you know, slowing down and first, getting to that why. First, I guess it would be before the why is understanding what you want your future self to be?

Jeff 13:00
Exactly.

Doreen 13:01
So you might pick categories, you know, how do I want to show up as a parent? What do I want that to be? And then why? How do I want to be as far as a single person? And what that looks like? Do I want to be a person that, for example, has a source of certain social network. And if so, why? And what does that look like? Why is that important to me? Do I want to change careers? Do I want to stay in the same career? Why? What does that look like? And you could go on with various subjects? Right?

Jeff 13:35
Yeah, well, I believe you call that reverse engineering, first determine in the model what your results are that you want, and work your way backwards,

Doreen 13:45
Right. Because selective attention if you again, this is just research we’ve done is something psychologists define as once you’re clear and committed, everything will filter through your goal. You know what I’m saying like, once you are clear and committed on your what, what you want your future to be, and then that why I want it because this, and then how you’re gonna get there, everything starts to filter through that, right? You start to find evidence of it, you can really truly live in the present. So when you are living in the present as your future self, you have to, it’s kind of tricky, because you’re putting yourself in the mindset when you make certain decisions, that you’re going to act as you would in your future self.

Jeff 14:34
Right.

Doreen 14:34
For example, I always use as we know, every all my listeners know use, you know, you want to change your body. So let’s say you want to gain more muscle, right? You want to have more muscle strength, right? So you know that to do that you got to lift weights. So when you get up in the morning, and you don’t want to go to the gym, your why has to be super strong to pull you through it and say I’m going to do it any how, right?

Jeff 15:01
It’s really the most important thing to have a very strong why to overcome those challenges and obstacles and failures that you know you’re going to have.

Doreen 15:12
Right.

Jeff 15:12
So the why is everything.

Doreen 15:14
It is.

Jeff 15:15
When you set goals.

Doreen 15:18
My advice is, because I’m kind of have this issue, so I’ll share it with some of the listeners that may, this may resonate with them. I’m one of those people that I want to change everything, like if I’m gonna do my future self, I want to do all the categories, all the issues, all the why’s, all the house, and then I tried to do it all. And that becomes then overwhelming for me, and too much. And then I ended up not doing anything really well, right. So we suggest like when we work with our clients, let’s pick one goal is pick one goal, let’s work on that one goal. First, maybe we’ll permit two goals. And let’s do that reverse engineer, figure out the How, the What, the Why, What it looks like, and then start to design everything we do towards that purpose, right? Once you learn the trick of this and how to do this, then you’ll see that you can be successful at it. And you can start to do it in all aspects of your life.

Jeff 16:18
Yeah, and the truth of the matter is, when you have that one goal, you are going to have sub goals to accomplish that one goal.

Doreen 16:27
Right.

Jeff 16:27
So that’s why when you do too many things at one time, it’s very difficult, because then you have all these sub goals that you try to do in one day or one week. And it’s just not possible. So you don’t want to complicate your life. But you definitely want to go for it.

Doreen 16:42
Yeah, because I think that’s when someone and myself included who switches from goal to goal to goal, you can’t gain real leverage traction, right? You really have to help yourself by giving yourself the benefit of you already have so much going on in your life, you’re dealing with the divorce, you’re dealing with a lot of things going on after divorce and picking up the pieces. Don’t try to overwhelm yourself, just pick one thing. And you know, celebrate your accomplishments. As you said, you break down your goals and you start to reach them to celebrate those small goals or i’m sorry, accomplishments along the way. Right?

Jeff 17:23
Right. Well, that’s what an accomplishment is, their little tiny goals that lead up to the bigger goal, that lead up to the future you.

Doreen 17:30
Exactly.

Jeff 17:31
You know? And ask yourself, what would the you that is already achieved? That has already become? That is already where you want to be? How would you act today? And what decisions would you make based on what you see in the future?

Doreen 17:47
Right.

Jeff 17:47
So when you think future self, it helps you to make better decisions in the present.

Doreen 17:52
Well, it helps you if you’re the future self that already has that muscle that you want, right? Then you have when you don’t want to go to the gym that morning, you got to think what would that future self look like? And what would that future self do, that future self would get their tuition to the gym. So that’s, I think what you’re suggesting is, you know, how would that future self. What decision would that future self make? And if you can do that, it’s super powerful.

Jeff 18:25
Exactly, you start living your life as if you’re already there.

Doreen 18:29
You’re already there. Yeah, I like to also do this one thing, and it’s very interesting. I’ve done this before. Journaling is so powerful, you know, and so like writing a message to your future self, in your journal today about what you see your future self being in that topic, issue, whatever it is that you want, like, hey, define it down there, and then maybe outline that the house to get there. And then kind of highlight it and then look back at it like a year later, two years later, five years later, and see what you think about it.

Jeff 19:06
Yeah, I also did the kind of the same thing. Excuse me, you know, because as coaches we do get coached. And one of our coaches had said, Be your own mentor, and from the future to your present self.

Doreen 19:23
Right.

Jeff 19:23
So what would your future self say to your present self? When mentoring yourself over? Let’s say, a question that you have or a decision you’re trying to make?

Doreen 19:35
Right.

Jeff 19:36
You know, so you become your own mentor, become your own leader.

Doreen 19:39
Because I think that most of us really know what it is that we have to do to get there. Right. Or if you don’t know, you can certainly research it. You can hire a coach, on any level. You can go to school, you can learn it. And then you can, as Jeff said, I like to use the word reverse engineer how you’re going to get there.

Jeff 19:59
Right

Doreen 19:59
Right, and so yeah.

Jeff 20:02
Excellent. You know, here’s some post divorce questions, you can ask yourself, you know this, maybe you want to ask yourself, Where are you going? Or where will you be in five years if you keep living the way you’re living now?

Doreen 20:18
Right.

Jeff 20:19
You know, so you’ve maybe psych yourself up or psych yourself out. If you’re not enjoying the results that you’re having in your life right now? Where will you be in 10, 20, 30 years? Exactly what is it that you want? And then how many years down the road do you want it? So we’re gonna get very specific with what you want and then determine how to get there.

Doreen 20:41
Yeah, I think this is very nice. Very nice topic or questions to put in the journal? Yeah and answer the questions. Can you just repeat them one more time?

Jeff 20:50
Yeah. Ask yourself, Where are you going? And then you could put a timeline on it. Where are you going to be in, let’s say, six months? Or three years, five years? What do you want your life to look like? Use either your imagination or picture board. Whatever you have to do. Are you on the path you need to be on? And what changes can you make to get you on that path? Or stay on the path that you’re on? What are the results that you want? And what are the results that you have right now?

Doreen 21:25
Yeah. That’s why I think it’s really important to really define specifically as much as you can the details of what that looks like. What that future self in that topic looks like.

Jeff 21:41
Imagine your a rudder on a boat.

Doreen 21:44
What’s a rudder?

Jeff 21:46
A rudder, this is when you steer the thing that on under the water it changes direction.

Doreen 21:51
Yes.

Jeff 21:52
If you change that rudder slightly, just a little bit in the path of months, years.

Doreen 22:01
Makes a huge difference.

Jeff 22:02
Your life completely change.

Doreen 22:03
True.

Jeff 22:04
Completely changes from just little tiny changes that you make today.

Doreen 22:08
Well and that’s why I know we’ve talked on other episodes about being your own best friend, you know, if you can only do some of what you need to do today that some is so much, very important to the whole. Don’t just you know the suggestion is not to just say well I can only go to the gym for a half an hour so I’m not going it’s not worth it, I really need to put an hour. No, go for 15 minutes, like 15 minutes adds up that rudder change just slightly on whatever that future goal that future self is just so small little changes and just consistency of doing them will get you there. It’s not all about everybody, not everybody. Many people just want to get there like you met you know, magic wand. Let me just like hocus pocus and we’re their.

Jeff 22:56
Or the society’s instant ratification.

Doreen 22:59
Instant ratification.

Jeff 23:00
Yes.

Doreen 23:00
And what a beautiful thing to teach our children too, you know, really to show our children by way of example that, Hey, mom or dad are working towards this new goal, share it with your children, share it with your family and say look at, this is my goal. I’m going to do this, I’m going to go back to school, I want to become a such and such whatever it is, and then show them It takes consistency. Small little wins. Focus. Even when you have a setback mom keeps going, dad keeps going forward. We’re gonna keep moving on. I mean, what a beautiful.

Jeff 23:33
We call this Goal Buddies, remember? Goal Buddies?

Doreen 23:36
Well, I think it’s I’m talking more in the teaching area like showing *inaudible*.

Jeff 23:40
And it’s gonna help you in reverse.

Doreen 23:41
Yeah.

Jeff 23:42
It’s gonna be your little..

Doreen 23:43
What a beautiful exercise I was just thinking to do with your family. You know, your children. If you have children, maybe you each pick a little goal and work together on it.

Jeff 23:47
Right? That’s kind of cool.

Doreen 23:54
Yeah. Be your future self now.

Jeff 23:56
Yeah, it’s called LB triple E.

Doreen 23:59
What’s that?

Jeff 24:00
Leadership by example with energy for excellence.

Doreen 24:04
I love that.

Jeff 24:05
LB triple E. Leadership by example.

Doreen 24:08
I think we could we could do a webinar on this.

Jeff 24:12
I think we will.

Doreen 24:13
Yeah, being *inaudible*.

Jeff 24:14
I just want to dive in deeper because..

Doreen 24:16
There’s so much on that.

Jeff 24:17
Mr. Hardy, Benjamin Hardy, the author.

Doreen 24:20
Dr. Benjamin Hardy.

Jeff 24:22
Excuse me. If you’re listening out there. He talks about the seven threats.

Doreen 24:27
Oh there’s so much.

Jeff 24:28
The other seven threats of your future self, the seven truths about your future self.

Doreen 24:35
Right.

Jeff 24:35
And then the seven actions you have to take to become your future self.

Doreen 24:40
Yeah, I think this would be probably more than an hour webinar though.

Jeff 24:44
Absolutely.

Doreen 24:45
Yeah.

Jeff 24:46
But I think it’s one of those things that will hold your attention like one of those long movies like Oppenheimer. That is so long, but as gravity grabs your attention, that it doesn’t matter that it’s longer not that you definitely want to watch it. So definitely want to attend this webinar.

Doreen 25:02
Yeah, you know, I wish that, I know that our education system doesn’t teach these, these types of ways of thinking, but I wish they did. I think like these life lessons on how to achieve goals, and you know about the primitive versus the prefrontal cortex and, all of that, you know, is such an important message to everyone. And, you know, maybe in the future.

Jeff 25:37
There was one thing that I was proud of when it came to. The martial arts and teaching kids discipline and goal setting and respect and just saying, Yes, sir and yes, ma’am to your parents, that was such a huge thing.

Doreen 25:40
Martial Arts. Not that that we suggest you have to do that.

Jeff 25:52
You don’t have to do it. But I think there’s a sense of respect. It’s not the title of Sir, Ma’am. It’s just that you honor.

Doreen 26:00
Discipline.

Jeff 26:01
Your parents, your grandparents, you honor, and respect yourself.

Doreen 26:05
But I think the bigger thing is what you’re saying. And I think why a lot of parents like to enroll their children in martial arts, which is coaching at his highest along with physical, you know, excellence or pursuit and safety. And everything that goes away with, goes along, sorry, along with it is that it’s teaching children and overall philosophy that isn’t taught in other sectors.

Jeff 26:31
Right.

Doreen 26:31
So I think it’s a beautiful thing.

Jeff 26:35
And I want to correct one thing, not correct, but add to it. I had over 300 adult students too. And if you take away the self defense, take away the physical, it’s coaching. So don’t think that because you’re an adult out there that you don’t need this type of coaching.

Doreen 26:56
We all need that *inaudible* Jeff.

Jeff 26:57
That’s why I said earlier, in the podcast, we have coaches as well.

Doreen 27:01
Absolutely.

Jeff 27:01
We have business coaches, we have personal coaches. And I love the fact that my coaches helped me to be a better coach.

Doreen 27:08
Exactly. Always learning, always growing, always getting coach.

Jeff 27:12
Or coaching might be something that is unique.

Doreen 27:15
You know what it is? I consider it, you know, coaching costs money. I mean, let’s just say it the way it is. But the bottom line is, what better gift could you give to yourself than the benefit of a coach, the benefit of a teacher, the benefit of a mentor? I mean, why not? We spend our money, we spend our time and our energy on so many things that are not getting us to where we need to go or where we want to go like this is something that is so valuable.

Jeff 27:47
Well, I would call it not a cost, but I would call it an investment.

Doreen 27:52
Yeah.

Jeff 27:52
Because typically, most of the times when you invest in a book by Zig Ziglar, or you invest in a, Anthony Robbins Seminar.

Doreen 28:02
For us.

Jeff 28:03
I mean, I’m just getting somewhere else. But I’m just saying you are going to make a lot more money.

Doreen 28:09
Yeah.

Jeff 28:10
You know, it’s all about creativity. It’s all about creating the profitable self as well,

Doreen 28:15
It’s an investment in yourself.

Jeff 28:16
It is an investment.

Doreen 28:17
Yeah, it is an investment in yourself. And that’s a great way of looking at it, right?

Jeff 28:22
So go to our website, and let’s make this a discovery call. Let’s talk about it. Because I know that everybody out there may have a curiosity in their brain saying, well, maybe it is for me. Let’s find out.

Doreen 28:35
Exactly.

Jeff 28:36
Look up, go to our website and book a call with me. So I guess that’s it.

Doreen 28:40
And that’s it.

Jeff 28:40
This podcast, it was a good one. I love this, I love the topic. I’m going back to finish my book.

Doreen 28:48
Yeah, but again, you don’t have to read it all at once sitting, right?

Jeff 28:53
Oh, I was captivated by it after just maybe 10 pages.

Doreen 28:59
It’s amazing. It’s a really good book. At least we’re really enjoying it.

Jeff 29:02
I mean, I love reading the Table of Contents.

Doreen 29:06
Right?

Jeff 29:08
All right. Well, listen, everybody out there. Have an amazing week, and we will talk to you next week.

Doreen 29:12
Yes, we’ll see you next week.

Jeff 29:14
Bye bye. You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com. That’s LAD as in lad-coaching.com.

Doreen 29:45
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can..

Doreen & Jeff 29:52
Have an amazing Life After Divorce.