00:00
Hello to all our listeners out there. You know, when you’re newly divorced, there’s something that you may want to find. And that’s yourself. How do you rediscover yourself? That’s what we’re going to be talking about today on episode 151. So if you’re ready, let’s get started.
Doreen 00:24
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve, and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching. We use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.
Doreen 00:56
Hey, Jeff.
Jeff 00:57
Hey, how are you Doreen?
Doreen 00:58
I’m doing great. Summer day here in sunny South Florida.
Jeff 01:04
It is a sunny day outside.
Doreen 01:05
It is we are in the middle of the heat. And quite frankly, I’m really liking it.
Jeff 01:11
Yes, yes.
Doreen 01:12
I know. It’s hot. And everyone please take care and stay hydrated. Unfortunately, my mom just had an episode where she was dehydrated. She’s in her 80s and just wasn’t drinking enough water. She lives here in Florida. She lives down in Miami area. So you know, just make sure that everybody’s taking care of themselves and be aware.
Jeff 01:31
Very important. Wear your sunscreen.
Doreen 01:33
Yep. So let’s talk about..
Jeff 01:38
Redefining yourself.
Doreen 01:41
I think that one of the things first I wanted to talk about was the 50/50 of life, you know, life is both good and bad. So I think having that understanding is always, I don’t know, I think it’s encouraging. It’s not always supposed to be all amazing, all the time. Although, of course, that’s what we strive for. But the reality is that’s just not reality. So, you know, divorce is the same thing. divorce can be both looked upon as good and bad. And I think it’s very easy to get caught up in all the negativity that goes along with divorce, right, it’s super easy to go down. That, you know that path, it’s super easy to create a story, a negative story about divorce, and about what happened during your divorce. Right. And so one of the things that we do with our clients, when we start coaching them is we want to redefine their story. So when you redefine the your story, and you’re talking about your identity after divorce, I think you start there. How is divorce positive in your life? How can it be positive? How can it be looked upon as something to grow from to learn from, to even have a better life from?
03:10
I have had some clients recently that are really looking forward to their future really excited about their futures divorce and their post divorce. I think maybe the process had given them a little bit of a negative view of the divorce. But I was very proud of them that they were really enthusiastic and really positively motivated about the future. So they were taking a very good look at themselves.
Doreen 03:37
If you want to give us some examples.
03:39
Oh, yeah. I mean, he, the with this one client, in particular was was getting back into the gym, reading self improvement books, really listening, a lot of tapes, watching, of course, our podcasts and our my communications with him. He was very, very excited about what he was about to embark on. Yeah, he looked at it as a brand new journey, almost like a new vacation. How people get all excited about a vacation coming up.
Doreen 04:08
Well, let me just also start from most marriages don’t end without trying, meaning there has been usually a history of challenges.
Jeff 04:21
Yes.
Doreen 04:21
And many times, at least with the clients that we’ve worked with, they’ve given it a try, meaning they’ve tried therapy, maybe they’ve tried coaching, they’ve tried various ways to save the marriage. And sometimes it’s better and preferable to just move on, right to say, Okay, well, that chapter of my life is closed. That doesn’t mean it’s a failure. That doesn’t mean it was the wrong road that I traveled. You know, it was just something that has now gone through its course and it’s now just Time to appreciate it, to respect the things that were great about it, because there are many things that are great about your marriages out there, that, you know, sometimes you gotta get back into that place and look at the good and the bad. So when you’re redefining your identity, you know, you’re looking at many parts of your past, but also bringing that forward to your future.
05:26
Well, let’s look at some ways to redefine your identity post divorce. So everybody can move forward. Move on. What’s the first one?
Doreen 05:35
Well, I think the first thing to do is self reflection, right? So it’s a great time to kind of say, Okay, well, this chapter is closed, a new chapters opening. And so you know, when you’re going through this, it’s going to stir up, first of all, a whirlwind of emotions. But it’s crucial that you experience these emotions for healing and growth, right, you have to take some time to really understand what you’re feeling your thoughts, that are your thoughts that are leading to these feelings. Because as we teach thoughts, create a feeling, create an action, create results. So dealing first with your thoughts is really important about the divorce, about your feelings, and then you know, finding an inner peace with what that looks like for you. So it’s basically like an introspective journey that helps you to understand your true desires of what you’re looking for moving forward, you got to first come to a place of like, kind of calm, self awareness. And then how am I going to now restructure my life rebuild my life? What do I want it to look like? And so you can use this period of time basically as a sanctuary to question things, right? To really do some self awareness, some self identity, some, you know, dreams, like look at your dreams, look at your fears. Look at you the ultimate path of what resignate you and what you want it to look like moving forward. I just had a conversation with our youngest daughter Samantha, the other day and I bring that to the listeners attention because she is young. She’s in her early 20s. She’s finishing up her college career. And she’s like, now what? And so I kind of you know, the where she is right now, in that journey of her life. Reminds me of where you might find yourself when you’re leaving a marriage going into your next chapter. It’s kind of like, Okay, now what now what now? What, right? And so when you’re a young person and you’re graduating college, nobody really questions it. It’s kind of like a natural progression. But you know what, divorce gives you that same opportunity to start something new, you are starting something new, you’re gonna have a lot of new things going on.
Doreen 05:51
You’re saying if we get divorced, I’m gonna feel like a 20 year old.
Doreen 07:59
Why not?
08:01
Well, the next one is I really, really appreciate and really believe in is reviving your passions.
Doreen 08:08
I think that goes hand in hand with the first one which is self reflection.
08:11
There might be this is a little bit more specific, when you’re reviving your hobbies such as maybe you love to paint, or maybe you love to take hikes or, or go on vacations and travel. There may be some things that not only got shuffled around and lost in the divorce, but maybe even the marriage with kids and, you know, husband to take care of maybe a household or a wife to take care of. You kind of lost sight of yourself things that you’d like to do for yourself, by yourself.
Doreen 08:44
But it’s I think it’s like, I would recommend that you look at the passions in your life, the things that you want, on different levels. It could be career, oh, yeah, it could be passion in your relationship with others. It could be your passion as an individual like hobbies. What excites you? Right, getting back to that passion. And that’s what I was telling Samantha I was saying, find what you want to do, what you’re really good at, that just naturally comes to you that you feel passionate about. We as a team, are now doing something in a book club called unique abilities. Right? It’s from Strategic Coach which I’m part of, right and and finding those unique abilities which is really boils down to your passion. What is it that unique about you, about who you are that drives you? Everyone has this, some of us may find it harder to identify that because of what you just said, you were so stuck and maybe your identity being a wife or a husband In a provider, a house, a homemaker, a mother, a father, a worker, bee, you know, whatever it looks like a caretaker, whatever it looks like, this is a perfect opportunity, going through divorce and after divorce, to now re =-analyze that.
10:18
Not to mention, you’re gonna have a little bit more time, a lot of it available to you. And you want to fill those times with things that make you joyful, happy and passionate.
Doreen 10:31
Yeah, when you say you’re gonna have a lot of time available. What do you mean by that?
10:34
Well, let’s say, you know, it’s the week where the spouse has the kids, right? And you don’t have to make dinner, you don’t have to take anybody to school, don’t have to do anything.
Doreen 10:47
I’m gonna tell you a little side note on that, you know, I being in family law for so long as a lawyer, there’s two, there were two different schools of thought or personality traits when it came to that, but the parents that must have all the time with the kids, okay, they’re obsessed with it, like their whole identity is around their children, and being a parent. And so they really are having a strong disagree disagreement internally, of what to do with their time when they don’t have their children. So they, they have a tendency, and this is only what I’ve seen, I’m not talking about stats, this is from my own experience as a divorce lawyer that they hold on to, I must have more time, I must have the majority time sharing, he or she shouldn’t have the children as often because I was the caretaker. And what I like to encourage is why, you know, now I’m not talking about if you have issues with a with a parent, with your co parent, you know, so that the best interest of the child, right is at risk. I’m talking about, you know, in, in marriages where one parent took on the majority of the caretaking roles. And so now they’re like, wait a second, I used to do all this stuff. And now I’m not, this is a perfect opportunity for for using that time that you don’t have the kids to really explore who you want to be, which is going to feel really weird to you. It’s going to be awkward, strange and uncomfortable. Because your primitive brain wants to protect you. And it likes what it knows. It likes consistency. Right? So you have to be aware of that and say, Hey, listen, primitive brain. I know you’re feeling really uncomfortable right now. Because the kids are with dad. And they’re going to be with dad for the next few days. And you haven’t been been without the kids for a while. And so what do we do now, with all this time, and it’s going to feel awkward. And so just your prefrontal, which is your thinking human brain can say, Hey, listen, primitive brain, All is okay. Nothing’s gone wrong. We are all safe. And now, why don’t you use this time to explore your passion to identify and redefine yourself after divorce?
13:10
And I think if you are that hung up on the children, like you’re talking about, maybe that is a time to take a deep dive into yourself and rediscover yourself and find out maybe why you had that issue. Where you’re so attached to the kids that you cannot be without them.
Doreen 13:28
Yeah, you know, this is gonna sound a little, I don’t know, maybe, so the best part of every other weekend?
13:37
No, no, no, it goes, What’s the best thing about divorce?
Doreen 13:41
Every other weekend? I leave it at that.
Jeff 13:44
And that and that may be true. And it may not be the first thought that you’re having. But maybe once you do discover something and you find a passion. And now you have the I have the kids this weekend, I can’t go painting or something. You know, do whatever I want to do now every other weekend is a good thing.
Doreen 14:03
You know what, I’m almost jealous. I’m almost jealous because one of the things I was saying is you and I spend so much time together, what are you targeting? Right? And so, you know, having that alone time with yourself and really getting to re-acquaint yourself with yourself is a beautiful, beautiful thing. It’s scary for many people, to just live in your own thoughts and just not be engrossed with everything else that you have to do and take care of. And well first of all, you don’t have to do and take care of anything. Right? That’s a choice.
Jeff 14:37
Everything’s a choice.
Doreen 14:38
Even take care and taking care of your children is a choice. It is a conscious decision. Now good parents take care of their children, right? But it is a choice. And so the choice to be alone and in your own space and to really start to rediscover who you are super cool. Like it’s one of the best things about divorce. You know It was really taking that time, right? That’s why we say slow down. Right? And and really, yeah, like really first deal with those emotions, like we said, do that self reflection, and then start to dive into Oh, yeah, my passion. Let me figure that out for a while. And sometimes it takes maybe, you know, doing some courses or workshops, right?
Jeff 15:25
It takes as long as it takes.
Doreen 15:27
If you, for example, are thinking about a new hobby, go try it on for size, go to a workshop on it, go take a golf lesson, go you know, do whatever it is that you been thinking about that you want to do. Pickleball?
15:41
That’s it’s not just the activity. You’re getting out meeting new people.
Doreen 15:44
Absolutely. That’s just a byproduct benefit.
Jeff 15:49
Okay. Next, setting your goals.
Doreen 15:51
Yeah. So we do a lot about goal setting. I think that you know, goal setting, especially post divorce is a time of rebirth and setting goals is essential for building a future that excites and motivates you, you know, goals, keep you I’m going to use the word alive, not alive, physically, but alive, like passion wise, future minded? What am I? What am I going to do today? Because once you set a goal, and you’re like after you determine your passion, and now you set your goal based on that, now you get to what I call reverse engineer it, what do I need to do, you know, this week, this month today, in order to reach that goal, and it’s super cool, like doing that, but it’s also keeps you energized and focused?
16:41
Well, if you break down what a goal is, it’s basically what do you want? And we always tell or try to coach people on deciding what do they want, now that they have a new chapter in their life. So when they decide what they want, and they really set a passionate goal, it gives them purpose, it gives them direction to focus in on every single day.
Doreen 17:05
Which help to alleviate some of those other you know, that that primitive brain, your mind, it’ll help to alleviate some of those doubtful situations, those thoughts that come in, like, what do I do today? Like, I don’t have the kids. And so, you know, and I, and I’m trying to figure it out? Well, when you set your goals, you will know some of what you’re going to be doing that day,
17:26
I had a battle with my primitive brain this morning.
Doreen 17:29
Oh, what happened?
Jeff 17:30
Well, I got up around, I guess it was around six o’clock. And my prefrontal cortex was telling me to go to the gym, right. And I’m, I want to work out legs and have a great workout start my day off the right way. But who my primitive brain started telling me how comfortable I was, how cold it was in the room and how the comfort the comfort or felt so nice, you know, do it tomorrow, our little Frenchie curled up with me. And you know, I made me his little pillow. So I couldn’t move. And but my, my prefrontal cortex got back in control, and I got up and I went to the gym, and I’m so proud that I did. Yeah. So you will have those little devil on the shoulder on one side, angel on the other side, battling with your brain. And it’s very, very important that you stay focused on your goals. And when what you really, really want for yourself.
Doreen 18:26
Right. And so even though your your primitive brain may be telling you to stay in bed, right, just take that first step, which is go and put your athletic clothes on.
Jeff 18:37
I think the first step is get out of bed.
Doreen 18:41
It just takes moving in that direction, even though you don’t want to do it. Like I don’t want to go to the gym today. I don’t like my prefrontal is telling me do it tomorrow, we got a lot of things to do. You know, it’s not a big deal. You know, all the excuses, but I’ve got my athletic clothes on. And I will get my sneakers on later. And I will just get my tush to the gym. Even though I don’t want to write because what we do is we do the things we don’t want to do, because we have a bigger passion a bigger goal set. And we know because we are smart, intellectual people. What it takes us to get to that goal. We all know that it’s pretty easy to figure out that if I want to be in good shape. And my goal right now is to gain muscle, lose fat gain muscle, I’ve got to lift weights, in order to lift weights, I’ve got to get to the gym. In order to get to the gym. I’m gonna have to drive my car. In order to get into the car. I probably got to put my athletic clothes on and my sneakers to be ready. So it’s just like reverse engineering, right?
Jeff 19:53
It’s a process.
Doreen 19:54
It’s super cool.
Jeff 19:55
So one thing that the seven habits of highly effective people one of the habits is begin with the end in mind. Absolutely. And that is the best way to control your actions to get to your desired purpose for that day. So I know that I’m gonna feel great after the gym, I know my legs are gonna be pumped, and they’re gonna feel good. I’m proud of myself for just going not wanting to go but still went, I know that I have to reverse engineer it, like you said, and get out of bed.
Doreen 20:24
Yeah, and even though you had mentioned to me, it wasn’t your best workout today. You don’t always have to have your best day. In other words, if you’re if your goal is set, and you know what you need to do, if you go to the gym, and maybe it wasn’t Jeff, your best day to day in your leg workout routine, it was still something towards your goal, it’s better than not doing it. Right. Right, you gain some effort, something from it some, some some small piece to get you there.
Jeff 20:56
So it was certainly a lot better of a workout than no workout.
Doreen 21:01
That’s true. 100%.
Jeff 21:02
All right. So I think last part is building that support team, you know, because what we’re saying may sound easy, but it’s not necessarily simple.
Doreen 21:12
No, I think that when you have a support circle around you, when you’re, you know, rebuilding yourself and identifying and redefining yourself after divorce, that helps. So take an inventory of your friends, take an inventory, your social group, there probably is some people in your life that you might want to reconsider. Those are the negative people that you know, they’re not, they’re not bringing you up, they’re kind of pulling you back. They’re kind of given you, you know, that negative vibe, they’re certainly not supporting you moving forward, you know who I’m talking about? Everybody has them. And you got to really think about your goal. Is this a person? Is this the group? Is this the place that I want to be? So that I’m reaching my goals and giving myself the best opportunity?
Jeff 22:03
Yes, I was telling a client the other day is to guard the door of your mind. And meaning you have to be really careful who you allow into your mind. So if whether it’s a family member, support group, your friends, or even your life coach, they’re going to provide strength and encouragement and understanding. But you have to make sure you’re guarding the door of your mind of the negative stuff that’s coming at you.
Doreen 22:31
Yeah, that’s why you know, I think I mean, look, obviously, we believe in coaching, because we’re coaches, but we also are coached ourselves. Like we practice what we preach, preach, we have our own coaches, as well, I have a business coach, we have life coaches, you know, we do all that. Because, look, we need it, we know the tools better than most, but we still need that support group around us. And to me, there is no better gift that I can give to myself than the value that I get from the coaches around me. Right, that are better at what they do than I am. Right. They’re more skilled at it, they are something they are someone that I you know, respect on a huge level. And so placing those people in my life to support me with my bigger goals is to me invaluable, right?
Jeff 23:25
I think what what it boils down to, and one of my favorite chapters in the Thrive after divorce program is accountability. You know, we have coaches that we’re accountable to, right, our game is going to be sharper.
Doreen 23:41
Yeah. Because you know what, it’s easy to lack that. Without, you know, there, it’s very, it’s very easy just to fall into those patterns that are negative, without that accountability, or that primitive brain just does take over, right. So I think, you know, why not give yourself of the of support circle, and they’re out there, you know, figure it out, what you want to do, what your goals are, and then find the right people that are going to be inspirational mentors to you accountability coaches, like life coaches, that can can guide you.
Jeff 24:18
Yeah, and I think if anybody out there wants to find out more about life coaching and being held accountable and how we work with you, they, they’re able and invited any time to call me up for a free coaching session.
Doreen 24:35
Yeah, I think it’s super cool. Like, I can’t even imagine why anybody wouldn’t take you up on that, Jeff, because what do you have to lose?
Jeff 24:42
Nothing.
Doreen 24:43
Everything is complimentary.
Jeff 24:45
There’s no obligation at all. And just to find out a little bit more about yourself and how coaching works. And you just maybe have that one, they called it the one gem that you get over that one aha moment. It’s well worth it, so 45 minutes out, we’re gonna talk.
Doreen 25:01
Absolutely 100% All right, well, that was so I thought it was a great episode.
Jeff 25:07
I loved it.
Doreen 25:08
It’s a journey of deep self exploration real, reconnecting with your passion, setting goals. Building a supportive, network and community. Each step is a building block towards a future where you stand strong, and your newfound identity with clarity, purpose, and a circle of support that empowers you to embrace the next chapter of your life with confidence, and optimism. So, that being said, go out and make it happen.
Jeff 25:42
We’ll talk to you next week.
Doreen 25:43
Bye everybody.
Jeff 25:52
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com. That’s lad-coaching.com.
Doreen 26:15
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can..
Doreen & Jeff 26:21
Have an amazing life after divorce.
