Jeff 00:00
Hello, everybody out there. Welcome to Episode 158. Today we’re going to be diving into a subject, that I think you’ll appreciate that life is usually 5050. It’s both good and bad. So if you’re ready, let’s get started.
Doreen 00:26
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve, and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life, the best chapter.
Doreen 01:00
I’m gonna ask you how you are today.
Jeff 01:03
Really? Go ahead.
Doreen 01:04
Yes. How are you?
Jeff 01:05
I’m doing great. You always laugh when I ask. I’m gonna be you.
Doreen 01:11
Oh, okay. Would you rather I cry?
Jeff 01:16
Never. Well, I mean, I only on my shoulder.
Doreen 01:19
Okay.
Jeff 01:20
Happy tears.
Doreen 01:21
Happy tears. So that plays right into our episode today.
Jeff 01:25
That’s true.
Doreen 01:26
There’s not always going to be happy tears or unhappy tears.
Jeff 01:29
There’s gonna be sad tears. There’s gonna be happy tears.
Doreen 01:31
Let’s talk about this. I did this episode before, right?
Jeff 01:36
Yeah, episode number four.
Doreen 01:37
Wow, way back when? Episode number 158.
Jeff 01:42
I didn’t exist back then.
Doreen 01:43
Well, you exist. You didn’t exist with me. The podcast back then was called your amazing divorce. Amazing, because you will get on with your life. And you will get to an amazing place. Okay, so but I talked about this back then.
Jeff 02:01
And now we even talked about having a truly having an amazing divorce. It doesn’t have to be just after the divorce.
Doreen 02:08
No, I mean, using the the divorce as a springboard to come to peace with the fact that your marriage is over what that looks like for you. And then to work through those emotions, take all that energy and start to to recover, and move forward and create an amazing life. That’s really where I was going with that way back then. And I still feel that way. I’ve seen so you know what. I’ve been so honored and blessed in my career, to see so many people go through divorce. People are like, how do you do that? I’m like, Yeah, but there’s the other side of that. First of all, from my perspective, I don’t consider divorce to be a failure of a marriage. Okay. What I would like to suggest that in many cases, you had a beautiful marriage, there were many good things that happened, for example, children that came out of the marriage that you experienced in the marriage, and now the marriage is put to bed, and you move on. So the marriage, the marriage can doesn’t have to be like, Oh, the marriage was, you know, horrible.
Jeff 03:23
The marriage served its purpose. And it’s time to move on.
Doreen 03:27
I mean, come on, let’s just be honest, you know, as human beings, we don’t always Jive in the same position. Right? We change we grow. We some don’t. I mean, it’s, you know, How challenging is it for two humans to really stay on the same page? It’s, it takes work. But does it really take work? Or is it more just about like, you know, we’re individuals trying to be together in a relationship.
Jeff 03:55
Somebody went in the weeds again.
Doreen 03:58
Not a lot. As yeah, people are generally taught to think that some things are good. And some things are bad. Like I just said, right yet.
Jeff 04:09
There are good guys. There are bad guys.
Doreen 04:11
There’s, you know, some things are good, like, marriage. And some things are bad, like divorce, right? There are four or that there’s like good guys. And then there’s bad guys. And often our goal is to get rid of the bad so that we are left with only the good.
Jeff 04:29
Well, the problem with that is when you think this way, you don’t tolerate anything less than perfection from yourself or from others. And this is kind of leading you down a pretty bad path.
Doreen 04:42
It can make you miserable. And you know, perfectionism, I think I’ve done that episode. But that’s a whole different thing. I don’t want to go down the weeds. So I want to, I want to challenge our listeners to consider the 5050 of life which is a great tool. I think you should consider using it’s life is both good and bad. Instead of saying good or bad, for example, marriage can be good and bad. divorce can be good and bad. People can be good and bad, you can be good and bad, and still love yourself, I can be good and bad, and I can still be loved. So I brought this up on many occasions, you know, throughout my coaching career with my clients. And a lot of people struggle with this concept. However, when you can understand it, and it kind of clicks in, it really makes a difference. And it makes a difference also, because it’s almost like you get to just be accepting that life is both good and bad. And it takes the pressure off, takes the pressure off, it’d be perfect, right? Because there is no perfect. But I think it really starts from a young age. I think that there’s a lot of teaching and beautiful things right about this kind of utopian idea of happily ever after. And you know, the king and the princess or the prince, the, you know, the prince and the princess and they got married, and she lived happily ever after. And so like, and then you look at marketing, and you look at social media, and there’s this general consensus throughout a lot of this messaging, that there should only be good, right, that people should only be good things should be only good. There’s, there’s no bad, you know strive for all of that.
Jeff 06:50
Yeah. Well, I mean, we’re always trying, not always, but we’re trying to be 100% great husbands and good housewives and great parents.
Doreen 07:02
I mean, I think that’s a big one. Yeah, you know, I remember, like it was yesterday trying to be this perfect parent, which there is no perfect parents right? We’re going to make mistakes, we’re going to screw them up from time to time we’re going to.. Well, it’s not even that, like we’re just going to make bad choices and the way that we bring our kids up, and we hope that we don’t do such a lousy job that they end up in therapy for the next 15 years. Right.
Jeff 07:31
The bottom line is we all try to be good people with good intentions. And as parents, we try to do the best we can right rolling the dice and hopefully they turn out okay.
Doreen 07:43
I think most of us really try. But what I’m trying to say there is no perfect there is no parent, why friend, family member, whatever it is.
Jeff 07:51
The truth is, we can’t there’s some things we just cannot control in life. You know, we can’t control things happen, that are out of our control. Things happen to us, like sickness. People are, you know, family members get sick, people die, people get divorce their, lose their job.
Doreen 08:11
We don’t control the world, a lot of us want to think that we can control things. For all you control freaks out there, me being one of them. Hello.
Jeff 08:24
That’s the 50/50.
Doreen 08:25
Well, you can’t and so bad things, shitty things are gonna happen that are beyond your control. And so that is the 50% bad. That is the 50% bad that just happens when we say there’s a 50/50 life. What we mean about that is that I’m not saying it’s 50/50 every day, no, it could be that you have a really great year. And then the next year you’re dealing with an illness or a divorce. And that’s kind of not a great year. Right? But then you’ll have another great year coming up. Right? It’s not going to be all bad. For all those out there that are thinking like oh my gosh, this divorce and I’m not gonna get out of this. This is like I’m doing no, you will have great again, you will have amazing again.
Jeff 09:13
It doesn’t mean that we’re not trying or striving for greatness and big goals and amazing.
Doreen 09:24
Amazing. You’re still striving for all those things, your striving for amazing. You’re striving to reach your goals. And I hope your goals are huge, right? This is not a life. You know, this is not a dress rehearsal, make your goals amazing, make them spectacular. But what we’re saying is that along the way, you will have failures and things will happen and that’s where the 50% comes in. That’s not so great. You just don’t sit back and say Oh, well, I’m gonna wake up today and I’m just gonna let it happen. No. You know, for example, getting past your divorce, give yourself the best opportunity to get past it, recover and move on and then strive for amazing. That’s what we do. As coaches, you know, we want you to set big goals for yourself, we help you heal, we help you get to that great place that you need to get in some balance and like consistency, and then we strive for big goals. Right?
Jeff 10:20
Exactly.
Doreen 10:21
So let’s talk about how understanding the good and the bad can help you in relationships. Well, when you understand that we, all of us, the humans, as I like to call us, are both good and bad, I think it helps to be kinder with other people to be more forgiving. Your spouse is both good and bad. And so I think it can help. Because when you recognize that, that’s just the way we are. And some people out there going, you don’t know my husband, you know, my wife, bully me, he’s more of the bad than the good. And that, you know, that is your thoughts. And you probably have a lot of solid evidence that you could show me about that, you know, very convincing evidence about why that person is so bad. But there are good things to your focus maybe on the bad because you’re going through divorce, or you’re recently divorced. And that’s natural. That is the brains way of protecting itself and justifying what you’re going through in divorce, you’re going to find evidence of whatever it is you’re looking for. And if you’re going through the divorce, you’re going to find evidence of the bad that that’s just nature, right? So being aware that humans, everybody is both good and bad, can help you in your future relationships to be kinder and more forgiving. And I think it can help you to get through the process more.
Jeff 12:04
Definitely helps your empathy. And under understanding where somebody’s coming from, that you also are good and bad. And your spouse is good and bad. You’ve been wronged. And you’ve also been wrong. So I hope that helps you to kind of balance things out a little bit. So if you’ve if you feel that you’re resisting, finding the good and your spouse, your ex spouse, or even other people in general, take notice of that. And you have to do the work on yourself first.
Doreen 12:39
I think that when you notice how that feels to you, you notice what you might be missing. It’s can be eye opening? Because just try this on for size. What if they’re both right and wrong?
Jeff 12:54
Exactly.
Doreen 12:55
And what if you’re both right and wrong?
Jeff 12:58
Yeah. What if it’s both?
Doreen 12:59
Right? What if it’s both? So what are you missing? When you don’t allow someone else to speak their mind? Or hear their side? Or understand why they may be coming? From a particular position? Right?
Jeff 13:16
Yeah, ask yourself, why are they doing the thing that you think is so bad? Or where’s the good within them? You know, if you will kind of explore it, you know, and be willing to kind of think about it a different way?
Doreen 13:29
Well, I think it would open up your your thoughts to it, right? And if you’re afraid to see the good in other people, that’s something that you might want to ask yourself about. Yeah, once I know that hits a little bit, right. But that’s a question too, if you can’t find any good and someone and I get that for some of you, you’re saying it’s challenging. That is some work you have to do for yourself. And if you can just use that perspective of having challenges finding good in let’s say your acts as a springboard to work within yourself. And it’s going to help you when you get into your next relationship. I also wanted to turn a little bit to children because, you know, these are valuable lessons for kids as well. I would love for children to learn more about a lot of the concepts that we teach. I wish they taught them in school. Especially as kids get older, and they get prepared for getting out there in the world. They don’t get a lot of these lessons right that people are both good and bad and that we are the humans and that you know don’t strive to be 100% like you want your kids to do the best I get it. We want to tell them to get A’s and you know if they play sports, Mike, our kids all played sports and they were super competitive to win the game. You know and to do Whatever it was to the best level, we want them to be to learn this. But when they don’t make it, they don’t get that A they don’t score that goal. This is a valuable opportunity. I literally just got goosebumps. No, I did.
Jeff 15:16
I know. You’re very passionate about that, because of the girls.
Doreen 15:19
I’m so passionate about it. Because I think like, I look at, you know, our girls, and I know, I’m not going to mention which one in particular has been so hard on herself to always do the best and to get it right 100% of the time, and it’s just impossible. And I think that they now as they are getting into their mid 20s. They’re getting to the point where they’re realizing it’s okay. I just wish we would teach it earlier. That’s what I was trying to say.
Jeff 15:53
I think that the daughter that you’re talking about now that we’re a little bit past the sports, yeah, just a little past the sports, and the competition and the grades and the a’s and the b’s. I think they’re looking back and saying it wasn’t that important. No, it’s not what I what I’m going through now is is much more important. And I think when we coach about failures, and how to learn from them, and how that failures are actually a good thing, something that we strive for that I think that you understand that failures are good, can be good. And failures can be bad.
Doreen 16:35
I went to a new dentist yesterday. Okay, as I told you, I know, I noticed your smile is very pretty anyhow. And he’s a younger dentist, I would say probably, I don’t know, maybe I’m not so great with ages, but maybe like late 30s, early 40s and has a toddler and a newborn and home. And I was tell I was complimenting on his practice. His office was very beautiful. And you know, from the minute that you walked in, it was like, you know, welcoming and very, like the music was playing? And would you like some coffee? Would you like of water, you know, like, a lot of just very, very high end. And we were talking, getting to know each other. And he was you know, I told him of course, I’m a divorce attorney, I’m also a coach. And he goes, Yeah, and I asked him about his practice how it’s going. We shared some thoughts about business and entrepreneurship. He said, Yeah, I’m really trying to balance my life more. He goes, I know, people, my mentors, who they start their careers, and they’re all in and they miss that opportunity with their children. Right to when they’re young, to spend the time with them when they’re little right. And so I think it was beautiful to hear him say that that’s not what he wants to do. He wants to have a great practice. But he also realizes there’s a price to have, like, the best amazing practice, he can still have a great practice, but he wants to spend time with his children because life is short. Right? I don’t know how we segwayed there.
Jeff 18:16
Well, the practice will always be there. And but the kids they get older.
Doreen 18:23
I think we started this whole conversation about children. Well, I know we did about having the opportunity when they have their failures when they don’t get it that goal, or that a to say this is just part of life. Right? You know, this is this is part of the bad this you’re gonna strive for great, but you can’t be you can’t win it 100% of the time, right.
Jeff 18:45
And I also just had a thought that, you know, the 50% bad is kind of like our failures that we teach. There’s good and bad and the bad. I mean, if meaning, if you have something happened to you bad, let’s say divorce. You think you’re that’s a 5050 like marriage is good and marriage is bad. So you have a divorce happening, but there’s also 50/50 and the bad. So there could be good and bad in the divorce.
Doreen 19:12
Yes, of course. So there is good and bad. I want you to write that down. Do your pros and your cons. You know, don’t look at only the bad. Don’t look at the good too. I like to look at when when I have a client who’s really stuck on the negative. I’m like, let’s flip that coin over. Let’s look at the other side of that coin. Let’s take a little bit of time and write down the good things. I don’t care if it’s as small as you get to sit in that family room and watch the show you want to watch because you’re getting divorced and you don’t need to watch the other show. We can come up with the good, there is good about your divorce. It is not 100% bad. There is good and so try that one on for size.
Jeff 20:02
That was like the client that I had the other day that I finally get to walk around my house in my underwear. Yeah.
Doreen 20:09
Peace and quiet.
Jeff 20:10
That’s what my kitchen looks like.
Doreen 20:12
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Jeff 20:14
Starting to look at the good. Yeah. But you know, and one thing to remember that as you work on your 50/50, and you work on your good, you’re also going to work on your bad as well, as you improve your good, you’re going to improve your bad, you can’t get away from the 50/50 of life.
Doreen 20:33
Now you can’t, yeah, we’re gonna, we’re going to change you know the world and make it better. And we’re also going to make it worse. At some times, you know, we’re going to strive to make it better. We’re going to strive to make our children better, we’re going to strive to make ourselves better. But we’re also going to mess it up sometimes, because that’s the 50/50. And no matter where you go, no matter what you achieve, I’m going to suggest to you, it’s not necessarily better there than here. Because when you get there, that part might be better. I like to use the weight thing we all know. So easy for so many to understand, you’ll lose that 30 pounds. And you’ll think when you’re losing it or even before handle. If I could only lose 30 pounds, I would feel so amazing. I would look so good. But then you lose it. But you’re and then you sit there and you wonder, well, wait a second, why don’t I feel so great? Because that’s the 50/50. That’s the 50/50 because that part now is good. But something else is going on?
Jeff 21:40
Some things will get better. And other things will get worse.
Doreen 21:43
That’s the game of life.
Jeff 21:45
The game of life.
Doreen 21:45
It’s a process of humanity. All right, my dear.
Jeff 21:49
All right.
Doreen 21:50
50/50.
Jeff 21:51
That’s what it is.
Doreen 21:52
Embrace it, understand it. And yeah.
Jeff 21:56
We’ll see you next week.
Doreen 21:57
Absolutely. Have an amazing week.
Jeff 21:59
Bye bye.
Jeff 22:08
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at lad-coaching.com. That’s LAD as in lad-coaching.com.
Doreen 22:31
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life after divorce.