00;00;00;00 – 00;00;26;21
Jeff
Hello, everybody out there. Welcome to episode 158 (*159). Today we’re going to be diving into a subject that I think you’ll appreciate that life is usually 5050. It’s both good and bad. So if you’re ready, let’s get started.
00;00;26;23 – 00;01;00;13
Doreen
Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaffa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you deserve and desire. As partners both in marriage and coaching, we use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences, to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.
00;01;00;15 – 00;01;21;23
Doreen
I’m going to ask you how you are today.
Jeff
Really? Go ahead.
Doreen
Yes. How are you?
Jeff
I’m doing great. (laughter)
Doreen
What is that?
Jeff
Well, you always laugh when I ask, so I’m going to be you.
Doreen
Would you rather I cry?
Jeff
Never. Well, I mean I’m only on my shoulder.
Doreen
Okay. Happy tears. Happy tears.
00;01;22;00 – 00;01;43;24
Doreen
So anything that that plays right into our episode today. There’s not always going to be happy tears or unhappy tears.
Jeff
There’s going to be sad tears. There’s going to be happy tears.
Doreen
Let’s talk about this. Yeah, I did this episode before right? Yeah. Episode number four. Wow. Way back when. Right. Episode number 158 (159*).
Jeff
I didn’t exist back then.
00;01;43;26 – 00;02;08;09
Doreen
Well, you existed. You didn’t exist with me. The podcast back then was called Your Amazing Divorce. Amazing, because you will get on with your life and you will get to an amazing place. Okay. So. But I talked about this back then,
Jeff
And now we even talk about having a truly having an amazing divorce. It doesn’t have to be just after the divorce.
00;02;08;10 – 00;02;32;00
Doreen
No, I mean, using the the divorce as a springboard to, come to peace with the fact that your marriage is over, what that looks like for you, and then to work through those emotions, take all that energy and start to to recover and move forward and create an amazing life that’s really where I was going with that way back then, and I still feel that way.
00;02;32;03 – 00;02;54;14
Doreen
I’ve seen so you know what I’ve seen? I’ve been so honored and blessed in my career to see so many people go through divorce. People are like, how do you do that? I’m like, yeah, but there’s the other side of that. First of all, from my perspective, I don’t consider divorce to be a failure of a marriage. Okay.
00;02;54;16 – 00;03;22;08
Doreen
What would like to suggest that in many cases, you had a beautiful marriage. There were many good things that happened. For example, children that came out of the marriage that you experienced in the marriage. And now the marriage is put to bed and you move on. So the marriage, the marriage doesn’t have to be like, oh, the marriage was, you know, horrible.
00;03;22;09 – 00;03;44;25
Jeff
I think you said the marriage served its purpose and it’s time to move on.
Doreen
I mean, come on, let’s just be honest. You know, as human beings, we don’t always jive in the same position, right? We change. We grow, we. Some don’t. I mean, it’s, you know, how challenging is it for two humans to really stay on the same page?
00;03;44;25 – 00;04;09;15
Doreen
It takes work. But does it really take work, or is it more just about like, you know, we’re individuals trying to be together in a, in a relationship.
Jeff
Somebody went in the weeds again. Sorry. I mean that a lot. If it’s a 5050, let’s see how people are generally taught to think that some things are good and some things are bad, like I just said, right?
00;04;09;16 – 00;04;37;22
Doreen
Yeah, they’re good guys. They’re bad guys. Well, there’s, you know, some things are good, like marriage and some things are bad, like divorce, right there are for or that there’s like good guys and then there’s bad guys. And often our goal is to get rid of the bad so that we are left with only the good.
Jeff
Yeah. Well, the problem with that is when you think this way, you don’t tolerate anything less than perfection from yourself or from others.
00;04;37;24 – 00;05;03;00
Doreen
And this is kind of leading you down a pretty bad path, right? You’ll be miserable.
Doreen
It can make you miserable. And, you know, perfectionism. I think I’ve done that episode. But that’s a whole different thing. I don’t want to go down the weeds, so I want to challenge our listeners to consider the 50/50 of life, which is a great tool that I think you should consider using.
00;05;03;02 – 00;05;38;06
Doreen
Life is both good and bad. Instead of saying good or bad, for example, marriage can be good and bad, divorce can be good and bad. People can be good and bad. You can be good and bad and still love yourself. I can be good and bad, and I can still be loved. So I brought this up on many occasions, you know, throughout my coaching career with my clients.
00;05;38;09 – 00;06;03;07
Doreen
And a lot of people struggle with this concept. However, when you can understand it and it kind of clicks and it really makes a difference and it makes a difference also because it’s almost like you get to just be accepting that life is both good and bad, and it takes the pressure off. It takes the pressure off you to, to be perfect.
00;06;03;07 – 00;06;43;16
Doreen
Right? Because there is no perfect. But I think it really starts from a young age. I think that there’s a lot of teaching and beautiful things, right, about this kind of utopian idea of happily ever after. And, you know, the King and the princess or the prince, the, you know, the prince and the princess. And they got married and she lived happily ever after and so, like, and then you look at marketing and you look at social media and there’s this general consensus throughout a lot of this messaging that there should only be good, right?
00;06;43;16 – 00;07;14;03
Doreen
That people should only be good things should be only good. There’s no bad. You strive for all of that. Yeah.
Jeff
And I mean, we’re always trying not always, but we’re trying to be 100% great husbands and good house wives and great parents.
Doreen
And I mean, I think that’s a big one. Yeah. You know, I remember I remember like it was yesterday trying to be this perfect parent, which there is no perfect parent.
00;07;14;03 – 00;07;31;00
Doreen
Right. We’re going to make mistakes. We’re going to screw them up from time to time. We’re just going to make bad choices in the way that we bring our kids up, and we hope that we don’t do such a lousy job that they end up in therapy for the next 15 years.
00;07;31;00 – 00;07;51;17
Jeff
Right? Yeah. But the bottom line is we all try to be good people with good intentions. And as parents, we try to do the best we can, right? Rolling the dice. And hopefully they turn out okay.
Doreen
I think most of us really try. But what I’m trying to say, there is no perfect. There is no parent, wife, friend, family member, whatever it is.
00;07;51;21 – 00;08;18;04
Jeff
Well, the truth is we can’t. There’s some things we just cannot control in life. You know, we can’t control. Things happen that are out of our control. Things happen to us like sickness. People are, you know, family members get sick, people die. People get to force their jobs, lose their jobs.
00;08;18;06 – 00;08;45;25
Doreen
We don’t control the world. A lot of us want to think that we can control things. For all you control freaks out there, me being one of them. Hello? That. That’s the 5050 life. Well, you can’t. And so bad things, shitty things are going to happen that are beyond your control. And so that is the 50% bad. That is 50% bad. That just happens when we say there’s a 5050 life, what we mean about that is that I’m not saying it’s 5050 every day.
00;08;45;26 – 00;09;09;05
Doreen
No, it could be that you have a really great year, and then the next year you hope you’re dealing with an illness or a divorce. And that’s kind of not a great year. Right. But then you’ll have another great year coming up. Right? It’s not going to be all bad for all those out there that are thinking like, oh my gosh, this divorce and I’m not going to get out of this is this is like, I’m doomed.
00;09;09;05 – 00;09;36;26
Doreen
No, you will have great again. You will have amazing again. Yeah. It doesn’t mean that we’re not trying or striving for greatness and big goals and amazing. You’re still striving for all those things you’re striving for Amazing. You’re striving to reach your goals. And I hope your goals are huge. But this is not a life you know.
00;09;36;26 – 00;09;56;06
Doreen
This is not a dress rehearsal. Make your goals amazing. Make them spectacular. But what we’re saying is that along the way you will have failures and things will happen. And that’s where the 50% comes in as not so great. You just don’t sit back and say, oh, well, I’m gonna wake up today and I’m just gonna let it happen.
00;09;56;06 – 00;10;17;16
Doreen
No, you know, for example, getting past your divorce, give yourself the best opportunity to get past it, recover and move on, and then strive for amazing. That’s what we do as coaches. You know, we want you to set big goals for yourself. We help you heal. We help you get to that great place that you need to get in some balance and like consistency.
00;10;17;16 – 00;10;46;29
Doreen
And then we strive for big goals right? So let’s talk about how understanding the good in the bad can help you in relationships. Well when you understand that we all of us, the humans as I like to call us, are both good and bad, I think it helps to be kinder with other people, to be more forgiving.
00;10;47;01 – 00;11;23;19
Doreen
Your spouse is both good and bad, and so I think it can help because when you recognize that that’s just the way we are. And some people out there going, you don’t know my husband, you know my wife, believe me, he’s more of the bad than the good, and that you know, that is your thoughts. And you probably have a lot of solid evidence that you could show me about that, you know, very convincing evidence about why that person is so bad.
00;11;23;22 – 00;11;50;02
Doreen
But there are good things too. Your focus may be on the bad because you’re going through divorce or you’re recently divorced. And that’s natural. That is the brain’s way of protecting itself and justifying what you’re going through in divorce. You’re going to find evidence of whatever it is you’re looking for. And if you’re going through a divorce, you’re going to find evidence of the bad that’s just nature.
00;11;50;02 – 00;12;16;07
Doreen
Right? So being aware that, humans, everybody is both good and bad can help you in your future relationships to be kinder and more forgiving. And I think it can help you to get through the process more.
Jeff
It definitely helps your empathy and understanding where somebody is coming from that you also are good and bad and your spouse is good and bad.
00;12;16;09 – 00;12;38;05
Jeff
You’ve been wronged and you’ve also been wrong. So it helps you to kind of balance things out a little bit. So if you feel that you’re resisting finding the good in your spouse, your ex spouse or even other people in general, take notice of that, right? Maybe you have to do the work on yourself first.
00;12;38;08 – 00;13;16;01
Doreen
Yeah, I think that when you notice how that feels to you, you notice what you might be missing. It can be eye opening because just try this on for size. What if they’re both right and wrong? Exactly. And what if you’re both right and wrong? What if it’s both? So what are you missing when you don’t allow someone else to speak their mind or hear their side, or understand why they may be coming from a particular position right?
00;13;16;03 – 00;13;40;10
Jeff
Yeah. Ask yourself why they are doing the thing that you think is so bad. Or where is the good within them? You know if you kind of explore it you know, and be willing to kind of think about it in a different way.
Doreen
Well I think open up your thoughts to it. Right. Yeah. And if you’re afraid to see the good in other people, that’s something that you might want to ask yourself about.
00;13;40;12 – 00;14;09;03
Doreen
I know that hits a little bit. Right. But that’s a question too. If you can’t find any good in someone. And I get that for some of you, you’re saying it’s challenging. That is some work you have to do for yourself, and you can just use that perspective of having challenges, finding good in, let’s say, your ex as a springboard to work within yourself.
00;14;09;03 – 00;14;47;19
Doreen
And it’s going to help you when you get into your next relationship. I also wanted to turn a little bit to children because, you know, these are valuable lessons for kids as well. I would love for children to learn more about a lot of the concepts that we teach. I wish they taught them in school, especially as kids get older and they get prepared for getting out there in the world, they don’t get a lot of these lessons right, that people are both good and bad and that we are the humans and that, you know, don’t strive to be 100% like you want your kids to do the best.
00;14;47;19 – 00;15;38;21
Doreen
I get it. We want to tell them to get A’s and to, you know, if they play sports, our kids all played sports and they were super competitive to win the game, you know, and to do whatever it was to the best level. We want them to learn this. But when they don’t make it, they don’t get that “A”, they don’t score that goal. This is a valuable opportunity. I literally just got goosebumps. No, I did I know, I know because you’re very passionate about that, because I so passionate about it, because I think like I look at, you know, our girls and I know I’m not going to mention which one in particular has been so hard on herself to always do the best and to get it right 100% of the time, and it’s just impossible.
00;15;38;21 – 00;16;00;11
Doreen
And I think that now, as they are getting into their mid 20s, they’re getting to the point where they’re realizing it’s okay. I just wish we would teach it earlier. That’s what I was trying to say.
00;16;00;14 – 00;16;28;19
Jeff
I think that’s amazing. And I think that the daughter that you’re talking about now that we’re a little bit past the sports a little bit. Yeah, just a little past the sports and the competition and the grades and the A’s and the bees. I think they’re looking back and saying it wasn’t that important. Now it’s not what I, what I’m going through now is, is much more important. And I think that when we coach about failures and how to learn from them and how those failures are actually a good thing, something that we strive for.
00;16;28;21 – 00;16;58;15
Unknown
Then I think that you understand that failures are good things. Yeah. You know, can be good and failures can be bad.
Doreen
I went to a new dentist yesterday. Okay, as I told you, And, he’s a younger dentist, I would say probably. I don’t know, maybe I’m not so great with ages, but maybe like late 30s, early 40s and has a toddler and a newborn at home.
00;16;58;18 – 00;17;25;04
Doreen
And I was complimenting on his practice. His office was very beautiful and you know, from the minute that you walked in, it was like, you know, welcoming and very like the music was playing. And would you like some coffee? Would you like water? You know, like a lot of just very, very high end. And we were talking, getting to know each other and he was, you know, I told him, of course, I’m a divorce attorney.
00;17;25;04 – 00;17;54;24
Doreen
I’m also a coach. And he goes, yeah. And I asked him about his practice, how it’s going. We shared some thoughts about business and entrepreneurship. He said, yeah, I’m really trying to balance my life more. He goes, I know people, my mentors who start their careers and they’re all in and they miss that opportunity with their children, right to when they’re young, to spend the time with them when they’re little.
00;17;54;24 – 00;18;15;14
Doreen
Right. Yeah. And so I think it was beautiful to hear him say that that’s not what he wants to do. He wants to have a great practice. But he also realized there a price to have. Like the best amazing practice. He can still have a great practice, but he wants to spend time with his children because life is short, right?
00;18;15;16 – 00;18;36;29
Jeff
Well, and the practice will always be there and but the kids, they get older, they get older the way and but I think we started this whole conversation about children.
00;18;37;00 – 00;19;05;12
Doreen
I know we did about having the opportunity when they have their failures, when they don’t get it, that goal or that A to say this is just part of life, right? You know, this is part of the bad you’re going to strive for. But you can’t win it 100% of the time.
Jeff
And I also just had a thought that, you know, the 50% bad is kind of like our failures that we teach. There’s good and bad and the bad, I mean, if you will, in meaning if you have something happen to you, bad, let’s say divorce, you hear that’s a 5050 like marriage is good and marriage is bad, right.
00;19;05;19 – 00;19;25;04
Jeff
So you have a divorce happening. But there’s also 5050 in the bad. So there could be good and bad in the divorce. Yes of course. Yeah.
Doreen
So there is good and bad I know. I want you to write that down. Do your pros and your cons. Exactly. You know, don’t look at only the bad. Don’t look at the good too.
00;19;25;11 – 00;19;56;04
Doreen
I like to look at when, when I have a client who’s really stuck on the negative, I’m like, let’s flip that coin over. Let’s look at the other side of that coin. Let’s take a little bit of time and write down the good things. I don’t care if it’s as small as you get to sit in that family room and watch the show you want to watch because you’re getting divorced and you don’t need to watch the other show, we can come up with the good things about your divorce.
00;19;56;06 – 00;20;15;23
Jeff
It is not 100% bad. There is good. And so try that one on for size. Yeah, I was like the client that I had the other day. This I finally get to walk around my house in my underwear. Right? Yeah. You know, I have peace and quiet. That’s what my kitchen looks like. Yeah, exactly. So exactly. Starting to look at the good.
00;20;15;28 – 00;20;39;12
Jeff
Yeah. But, you know, and one thing to remember that as you work on your 5050 and you work on your good, you’re also going to work on your bad as well as you improve your good, you’re going to improve your bad. You can’t get away from the 5050 of life. No, you can’t. Yeah. We’re going to change, you know the world and make it better.
00;20;39;12 – 00;21;03;26
Doreen
And we’re also going to make it worse at some times. You know we’re going to strive to make it better. We’re going to strive to make our children better. We’re going to strive to make ourselves better, but we’re also going to mess it up sometimes because that’s the 5050. And no matter where you go, no matter what you achieve, I’m going to suggest to you it’s not necessarily better there than here, right?
00;21;04;01 – 00;21;44;29
Doreen
Because when you get there, that part might be better. I like to use the weight thing we all know. So easy for so many to understand. You’ll lose that 30 pounds and you’ll think when you’re losing it or even beforehand. If I could only lose 30 pounds, I would feel so amazing. I would look so good. But then you. You lose it, but you. And then you sit there and you wonder, well, wait a second, why do I feel so great? Right? Because that’s the 5050. Yeah, that’s the 5050 because that part now is good. But something else is going on. Well, so I’m just polishing some things. You’ll get better and other things will get worse. That’s the game of life.
00;21;45;01 – 00;22;08;16
Doreen
The game of life. It’s a process of humanity, right? Yeah. All right, my dear. All right, 5050. Guess what it is. Embrace it, understand it. And, yeah, we’ll see you next week. Absolutely. Have an amazing week. Bye bye. Bye. You.
