Ep. 170 – Divorce Advise, Who Do You Listen To

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;26;13
Jeff
Hello, everybody out there. Welcome to episode 170. You know, when you’re hit with divorce, you’re probably going to be also hit with a lot of advice from various people, various places. So today we’re going to be talking about who do you listen to. So if you’re ready let’s get started.

00;01;00;02 – 00;01;01;09
Jeff
Hello, Doreen. How are you?

00;01;01;10 – 00;01;03;09
Doreen
I’m great.

00;01;03;11 – 00;01;03;28
Jeff
What’s up?

00;01;03;29 – 00;01;08;13
Doreen
I just think it’s so funny that you always ask me that I’m great. We’re into November.

00;01;08;13 – 00;01;09;20
Jeff
Yes. Happy November.

00;01;09;20 – 00;01;11;28
Doreen
Every November and more holidays.

00;01;11;29 – 00;01;12;25
Jeff
Tuesday.

00;01;13;00 – 00;01;20;11
Doreen
And they just wrote. They just pushed the clocks back last night. So we got an hour extra sleep.

00;01;20;16 – 00;01;21;00
Jeff
Yes.

00;01;21;00 – 00;01;42;14
Doreen
And, Yeah. So looking forward to a beautiful, beautiful holiday season. Listen, if you’re going through divorce, we know the holidays sometimes can be a little sticky. And, dealing with that and children and all the things. Remember, keep your mind in check. Yeah. You know, remember thoughts create your results. And we can give you lots of advice about getting through the holidays.

00;01;42;16 – 00;01;44;21
Jeff
That’s what we’re talking about today. Lots of advice.

00;01;44;22 – 00;02;07;20
Doreen
Lots of advice. So let’s do some announcements. First let’s talk about our podcast because we made a decision. This is episode one 7070. And yeah, I was kind of excited because Jeff is going to be doing more webinars. And we started doing, YouTube videos for our podcast, which take a little more time and effort. So anyhow.

00;02;07;20 – 00;02;17;10
Jeff
So we’re going to be doing the podcast every other week, so you’ll get one this Monday, which is the fourth. Yeah. And then the next.

00;02;17;10 – 00;02;19;10
Doreen
One might be a little late. So okay.

00;02;19;10 – 00;02;41;03
Jeff
Okay. But am I is not going to be on the 11th. It’ll be on the 18th right. The next episode with video. And but keep an eye out for our, webinar that I’m going to be doing on December 19th is going to be the first one. And then, you know, we’ll be doing one shortly after that, usually every couple of months or so, but so really excited about the date.

00;02;41;03 – 00;02;41;21
Doreen
The 19th.

00;02;41;21 – 00;02;42;26
Jeff
The 19th is the date.

00;02;42;26 – 00;02;45;23
Doreen
And what is the subject? Do tell, do tell.

00;02;45;26 – 00;02;49;06
Jeff
It’s congratulations. It’s a divorce.

00;02;49;08 – 00;02;50;23
Doreen
Not like it’s a boy or it’s a girl.

00;02;50;23 – 00;02;52;10
Jeff
It’s not a boy or girl. It’s a divorce.

00;02;52;11 – 00;02;53;15
Doreen
What’s it about? Tell us.

00;02;53;15 – 00;03;06;14
Jeff
Well, it’s it’s you’re. Look the way to look at divorce, to set your future up, to be successful, to be the future that you want to. To move forward and how to heal.

00;03;06;16 – 00;03;09;05
Doreen
I think what you’re trying to say, it’s all about your thoughts.

00;03;09;05 – 00;03;09;20
Jeff
Yes.

00;03;09;20 – 00;03;11;16
Doreen
Right. Of course. About the divorce. Right.

00;03;11;16 – 00;03;12;25
Jeff
It’s always about your thoughts.

00;03;12;25 – 00;03;25;13
Doreen
Using the divorce to, to gain perspective and to move on and create a new, amazing life. So congratulations. It’s a horse. Yeah. I did not come up with this name. You did?

00;03;25;17 – 00;03;39;19
Jeff
I don’t know how I did, but, you know, it’s just I guess most people look at divorce in a negative way. You know, you usually say, you know, oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. You will be devastated. And, you know, how about congratulations?

00;03;39;21 – 00;04;16;09
Doreen
Well, congratulations. That might be weird for some people because we’re not ready yet as a society I think to do that. But, you know, we’re of the thought that just because the marriage ended doesn’t mean that the marriage wasn’t a success. That’s true. And so everything in life, everything, even the things that we think are really horrible, there are usually some, some, you know, tidbits or parts of anything that are good, even if it’s, you know, something that happens after a bad event.

00;04;16;09 – 00;04;17;11
Doreen
But anyhow, and.

00;04;17;12 – 00;04;27;23
Jeff
I think that I’m a little bit of an extremist, that when I say congratulations, it’s mainly to get your attention. It says, what is this congratulations all about? And you may.

00;04;27;24 – 00;04;29;14
Doreen
Oh, that’s not true.

00;04;29;14 – 00;04;29;26
Jeff
What do you mean?

00;04;29;26 – 00;04;33;07
Doreen
It’s it’s not just about getting attention. It’s true.

00;04;33;11 – 00;04;35;29
Jeff
Not me getting attention, getting attention to the.

00;04;36;01 – 00;04;36;11
Doreen
And to.

00;04;36;11 – 00;04;37;01
Jeff
The webinar.

00;04;37;01 – 00;04;58;11
Doreen
I understand my above, but I also understand that you mean it when you say congratulations, it’s a divorce because I know that you have helped so many people see their divorce for what it is it can be, and that they’ve got to a much better place than they were.

00;04;58;14 – 00;05;06;03
Jeff
Well, I was, that is true. And I know you see it that way, but I’m talking to the people that you said are out there that see that that might be a little weird.

00;05;06;03 – 00;05;13;19
Doreen
But that’s what your that’s what your webinar is about. You’re going to change their minds. So what do they do if they want to find you and figure it out and get on that list right.

00;05;13;19 – 00;05;28;24
Jeff
Now I want they can go to my website. They can email me, there are going to be, you know, invitations sent out to everybody. But, right now go to the website which is la-coaching.com.

00;05;28;24 – 00;05;29;05
Doreen
Right.

00;05;29;11 – 00;05;34;17
Jeff
Or you can email me, [email protected].

00;05;34;17 – 00;05;45;26
Doreen
Yeah. And listen, if you want to be on our mailing list just go on and you can download the roadmap right. Absolutely right. If you download the roadmap, what’s the name of it?

00;05;45;26 – 00;05;48;04
Jeff
It’s the free. It’s a roadmap to divorce.

00;05;48;04 – 00;05;56;06
Doreen
Exactly. If you download that then we can get your email on the drip, for the email. And you’ll get more information on the, webinar.

00;05;56;08 – 00;05;56;22
Jeff
There you go.

00;05;56;23 – 00;06;15;13
Doreen
Yeah. But because of that and because of some other things, you know, this is our 170th episode that we’ve done every week. We’ve decided to do this every other week. Doesn’t mean that we won’t pick it up again in the future, but, Jeff wants to focus in on some of the things. I think it’s amazing. And I look forward to hearing more.

00;06;15;18 – 00;06;16;06
Jeff
Yes.

00;06;16;06 – 00;06;31;23
Doreen
Right. Okay. Let’s talk about people that want to get into our stuff. They want to they want to know about the divorce. They think they’re experts. They want to talk to you. They want to give you advice. You know, they all come out of the woodwork. They don’t know what to do with themselves.

00;06;31;28 – 00;06;32;15
Jeff
Yeah, well.

00;06;32;15 – 00;06;37;06
Doreen
I mean, like, I think it starts with your family, right? The family is coming in first.

00;06;37;09 – 00;07;04;27
Jeff
Well, I think that’s to defend their actions first. They all mean it out of love. Most, you know, most you know, they love you. Your friends care about you and they come to you with a caring word, so to speak. Right. Better known as advice. And sometimes devices should be taken, maybe with a grain of salt, because no two divorces are ever the same.

00;07;04;29 – 00;07;15;14
Jeff
No two marriages are ever the same. And no people, no two people are ever the same. So how can somebody give you advice on a divorce that has nothing to do with your divorce?

00;07;15;17 – 00;07;26;22
Doreen
Well, it’s very true. I mean, I think the biggest person that you should get advice from is yourself.

00;07;26;28 – 00;07;27;24
Jeff
Yeah.

00;07;27;26 – 00;07;53;20
Doreen
You got to do the work, you know, do the coaching, strip away all the emotions, understand where they’re coming from, which are your thoughts, and you’ll know what you should be doing. Of course, when it comes to legal advice, something that requires a lawyer in your state, just listen to your lawyer. If you don’t trust your lawyer, then that’s a problem.

00;07;53;20 – 00;08;17;23
Doreen
So make sure you trust your lawyer and heed his or her device advice. Sorry. And then, the rest of it, I think I think it’s really important to know how to handle people, though, when they, you know, some people really want to get into your stuff. Yeah. Right. They just feel that they’re more involved than they need to be involved.

00;08;17;25 – 00;08;38;16
Doreen
Yeah, I know that when I was going through my divorce, I had a friend at the time, a very good friend. And I think the divorce is probably what pushed us away from each other somewhat. She was super involved in how are you feeling and what did he say and what did the lawyer say? And every day calling and calling 3 or 4 times.

00;08;38;16 – 00;08;55;00
Doreen
And at first, for me, it was very encouraging and sweet. I needed that. I needed a friend. But then after a while, I almost felt like at least my thought was that it was almost becoming a little gossipy. Yeah, you know what I’m saying?

00;08;55;00 – 00;08;55;14
Jeff
Absolutely.

00;08;55;14 – 00;09;24;24
Doreen
And I was concerned that she might have been playing both sides and. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Because she was friends with both me and Sam. Okay. So I decided at one point to meet with her for coffee. And I had made a decision that the people that wanted to give me advice on my divorce, I was kind of just kindly set some boundaries with, and I did.

00;09;24;27 – 00;09;25;28
Jeff
How did you do that?

00;09;26;01 – 00;09;43;19
Doreen
So I asked her if she met me for coffee, and I just said that, you know, I really cared about her, and I loved so much what she was doing and appreciated her concern for me and the kids in the divorce and the whole thing. But at this point, I really just needed to do a lot of introspective work.

00;09;43;21 – 00;10;01;24
Doreen
And, that I was, you know, working with my lawyer very closely and dealing with my own life coach at the time. And, I felt that I wanted to keep my divorce in those two areas. Right. And that while you know that I would come to her and I really appreciated and loved her.

00;10;01;26 – 00;10;12;25
Jeff
You know, and I think those two areas are probably the most important areas that you are getting coaching and legal advice. But I do also like that that third one, when you said trust yourself.

00;10;12;28 – 00;10;13;28
Doreen
Trust yourself because.

00;10;13;28 – 00;10;16;17
Jeff
You ever heard that gut feeling, you know, you go with your gut.

00;10;16;21 – 00;10;58;09
Doreen
Because, you know, people I think are, you know, I want to believe people are mostly well-intentioned. But sometimes, you know, I think there’s this tendency occasionally to potentially get into the drama of it, you know, for example, for me, cost benefit is a big thing, right? And as a lawyer. So when I’m coaching my clients or representing them as a lawyer, I always look at how long is it going to take you or me as your lawyer to develop this issue, even though it feels right.

00;10;58;11 – 00;11;28;04
Doreen
You know what I’m saying? Like he says, for example, I have a client right now whose husband has been seeing somebody else and spending a lot of money on this person or money. We don’t know how much. You know, how much time and effort are we going to spend on uncovering that information, right? Like, like, I just think that the advice from people sometimes is well-intentioned, but they don’t understand what it really takes to get there.

00;11;28;07 – 00;11;32;09
Doreen
In other words, let me just I’m probably being so confusing, right?

00;11;32;14 – 00;11;35;23
Jeff
I understand you because I’ve been around you a long time.

00;11;35;25 – 00;11;59;05
Doreen
What I’m saying is, let’s take a fact. Let’s take a fact pattern. Let’s just make one up. Let’s say that your husband or your spouse cheated on you and this and he or she spent money on this other person. Okay? In law in Florida, you have the right to go to court and to ask the court to give you back $0.50 on every dollar that was spent on another person.

00;11;59;08 – 00;11;59;22
Jeff
Okay, okay.

00;11;59;24 – 00;12;02;20
Doreen
It’s called a dissipation of a marital asset.

00;12;02;21 – 00;12;03;19
Jeff
Okay.

00;12;03;21 – 00;12;22;09
Doreen
But in order to prove that because it sounds right, like most people, I think if you said to them, listen, my guy cheated on me and he was buying her flowers and took her to dinner and took her on vacations, and that was our money would say, yeah, go for that. Sounds fair. Sounds fair or sounds right?

00;12;22;10 – 00;12;49;22
Doreen
Sure. But legally I have to prove it. The lawyer in Florida has to prove it, which means I’ve got to get the receipts, compile everything, put it together, and prove, for example, that the flowers actually went to this person, right? That the dinner, actually the meal. Because I’ll get the receipts from the meal where them having dinner. It’s not as easy as just saying, well, he bought flowers or he bought dinner.

00;12;49;22 – 00;12;54;19
Doreen
You have to prove it, okay. And it’s a high level and it takes a lot of work.

00;12;54;20 – 00;12;55;06
Jeff
Right.

00;12;55;06 – 00;13;19;04
Doreen
And money because lawyers generally charge by the hour. So while something may sound right and feel justified, it may not be worth it. It may not be worth it to you as the person going through the divorce for your healing, right? Because it keeps you stuck in that pain, right? Right. Going through and looking through receipts and seeing all that.

00;13;19;06 – 00;13;20;13
Doreen
And it costs you money.

00;13;20;13 – 00;13;37;01
Jeff
So I’m, I’m assuming that you’re you’re suggesting that a friend or somebody is telling them, oh, go for it. You gotta get even with them. Yeah. Get back at him. Get that money back. Yes. And they’re not understanding the repercussions of what I’m saying.

00;13;37;03 – 00;13;38;04
Doreen
Cost you, which.

00;13;38;06 – 00;13;39;03
Jeff
Is going to cost you.

00;13;39;03 – 00;14;02;24
Doreen
It sounds like great advice, right? You were wronged. They spent money on this other person. Get the money back, your friend. It sounds reasonable. It sounds like. Yeah, go for it. There’s so much more involved. And so that’s why, you know, people are well-intentioned and they they seem like they care about you, and I’m sure they do. But you have to really just, you know, in your gut what’s the right thing to do.

00;14;03;00 – 00;14;21;12
Doreen
Right? And your lawyer, if you have a good lawyer, your lawyer really has to. And I must ask you to please do this, tell you how much something is going to cost for you to pursue legally. Yeah. How many depositions do I have to take on this? How much am I going to charge, and what are my chances of prevailing?

00;14;21;17 – 00;14;24;27
Jeff
And not just the cost, but the emotional cost?

00;14;24;27 – 00;14;45;06
Doreen
Absolute 100%. Because that’s another day. You’re not healing, right? That’s another day you’re still stuck on that issue, which again, is a valid issue. But is it? You know, sometimes I’ll say to a client, well, how much do you think is the worst, worst case that he spent on her. Let’s say they say ten grand. Okay. Ten grand is a lot of money.

00;14;45;09 – 00;15;08;00
Doreen
Okay. Well that’s five grand to you because he has $0.50 on every dollar. He can do whatever he wants in Florida. Right. So now we’re talking five grand. You’re going to get back the ten grand that was spent okay. Now let’s say it’s like the lawyer said it’s going to cost you $4,000 between depositions. You’re talking a thousand if you can prove it right, right.

00;15;08;02 – 00;15;37;10
Jeff
So lawyer that you mentioned, like you said, one day away from healing and somebody on the other side saying you to go for it, get that money. You should get even with him. They’re adding to your anger fuel as well. Yes. So you have to take everything with a grain of salt. And then, like I said earlier in the podcast, even though it’s meant from caring and loving friends and loving family, yes, you have to really kind of be a little bit selfish and see what, what it’s going to cost you.

00;15;37;15 – 00;15;49;01
Doreen
Well, that’s why I love your thrive after divorce program as well, because you get into all that, you get into the emotions of divorce. I think that’s the first thing that we talk about.

00;15;49;01 – 00;15;49;27
Jeff
Chapter. Yes.

00;15;49;27 – 00;16;12;27
Doreen
And there you have to go through the emotion. A lot of that is bad sad anger or, you know, regret all the things. Right. And you can’t start healing until you get to the other side of that. And that takes time and effort and pain, right? It hurts. It hurts getting through it. And so do you want to delay that hurt.

00;16;13;04 – 00;16;17;20
Doreen
You know, and sometimes it makes sense. Let’s take another example. May I and then I’ll absolutely.

00;16;17;23 – 00;16;18;01
Jeff
And then.

00;16;18;01 – 00;16;18;08
Doreen
I’ll be.

00;16;18;15 – 00;16;21;22
Jeff
Okay. Your ear counsel over there.

00;16;21;24 – 00;16;52;05
Doreen
So let’s take another example. Let’s say that there’s a business that’s owned, okay, by the wife. The wife owns a very successful pick a business, marketing agency, marketing agent. Okay. And it’s really expensive. And let’s say, that is part of the marital estate, the value of the business is subject to, marital is a marital assets subject to distribution, meaning the what?

00;16;52;05 – 00;17;12;16
Doreen
The husband in our scenario would be entitled to 50% of that. Right. So we get to value the business. Now, I’m not going to get technical in Florida. There’s a certain way to value businesses in divorce. It’s different from what we call an arm’s length transaction. But let’s say my expert, let’s say I represent the wife, right?

00;17;12;16 – 00;17;32;16
Doreen
Who owns a marketing company. And my expert says the value of the business. Whoever did the valuation is $1 million. Okay. Solid valuation. I look at it. Yes. It’s up to the standard of law. The husband’s expert comes in because they each would hire their own expert. And he says, well, I have done an analysis as well.

00;17;32;16 – 00;17;54;14
Doreen
And I say the value of the business is $2 million. Now, what do you think? You think you know, if you’re the what do you think that issue probably is going to be tried if they can’t agree on a value that issue with $1 million, spread 500,000 to each person. Is worth going to court. Because it’s a big number.

00;17;54;16 – 00;18;11;25
Doreen
Right. And so long as you feel confident in your expert’s opinion. Right. Which that your lawyer’s job to make sure that it’s a solid valuation, look at it from both perspectives, the other’s valuation and yours. Then you go to court on that. All day long because it’s such a big number.

00;18;12;02 – 00;18;33;01
Jeff
Well, for the sake of the advice from people outside of the marriage, what I see in that scenario is more people saying, this is your business. You know, you built a business. He has nothing to do with the business. Yeah, you should fight for 100% of the business, you know, and feeding her that information to take it to her lawyer.

00;18;33;05 – 00;18;38;26
Jeff
Yes. So, you know, they end up going on forever as far as the business is concerned, I.

00;18;38;26 – 00;19;03;09
Doreen
I think that one of the hardest things that we have to deal with as divorce lawyers is getting our clients emotionally to a point where you’re looking at the issues from a legal standpoint. Okay, maybe with the exception of children, on some level, we take that off. But I’m talking about money issues, alimony support, you know, support, alimony, equitable distribution.

00;19;03;09 – 00;19;23;20
Doreen
Who gets what as far as the assets, all these things. That is a business decision. And you’re right. People come in and they say, but it’s your business. And he was a deadbeat guy and he never did anything. And you work so hard. But the law is the law. Yeah. And so the advice that people give you is well intentioned again, but.

00;19;23;23 – 00;19;36;08
Jeff
Well, imagine taking a legal advice from a family member that’s a mechanic, but their family member that does something that has nothing to do with legal and they’re trying to give you legal advice and you’re listening.

00;19;36;09 – 00;20;02;14
Doreen
To them. Jeff, here that, I think we’re a little off there. Not generally, in my opinion, giving legal advice. They’re feeling the emotions behind whatever’s going on. So in your in the scenario we had the two scenarios. The first one being where one of the spouses cheated and spent money on the other person and the other one being the wife that owns the marketing company.

00;20;02;14 – 00;20;27;12
Doreen
Right. The advice generally from the general public who are non-lawyers isn’t a legal advice, it’s just what appears right on the surface. And what I’m suggesting is what appears right on the surface, just in the general public, is not necessarily what the law is, what the law will do, and also what it costs to get it.

00;20;27;17 – 00;20;41;14
Jeff
I don’t necessarily mean, and I didn’t mean giving them legal advice, but I think, the advice or the words that they’re giving them may hinder their listening to their lawyer. And the.

00;20;41;14 – 00;21;03;02
Doreen
Problem. It is such a problem, I can’t even begin to tell you it is the biggest hurdle, I think. Not the biggest hurdle, but it’s one of the biggest hurdles as as a divorce lawyer, we deal with is getting people from the emotional state of wherever we find them in the divorce, right? Because like you said, it’s different for everyone.

00;21;03;04 – 00;21;26;06
Doreen
So I may have a client that’s perfectly fine with the divorce. He wanted the divorce he is okay with it. He’s moved on from it. You know, there’s no there’s no major issues going on. And then I may have a client who comes in and didn’t want the divorce and is in a completely different emotional state, right. And feels, you know, betrayed and didn’t see it coming.

00;21;26;06 – 00;21;50;05
Doreen
And so you got to find your clients where they are. And you’re right, the people around them have a lot of influence over their emotional state, mostly. So I think what we want to tell people today is your thoughts are going to create the results, even in your divorce, to many extents, because you get to make choices based on thoughts, right?

00;21;50;06 – 00;21;58;13
Doreen
Yes. And advice. So you just want to be careful who you’re listening to and what you’re doing.

00;21;58;13 – 00;22;12;01
Jeff
With that advice, I think I think it’s boils down to listening to those that have your back, you know, like your attorney, your life coach, and don’t have an agenda.

00;22;12;06 – 00;22;13;12
Doreen
They don’t have a personal interest.

00;22;13;12 – 00;22;19;18
Jeff
I don’t have a personal interest, whether it’s to make you feel better or because they’re there and.

00;22;19;18 – 00;22;20;19
Doreen
They’re hired to do they.

00;22;20;19 – 00;22;38;04
Jeff
Don’t like your spouse or something, they’re they’re neutral, right? Their advice never comes up. You know, this may be something for you, but I also and if what happens is this here’s what happens on the other side. So they’re giving you a mutual neutral, scenario.

00;22;38;04 – 00;23;02;09
Doreen
Yes. Because people that love you, care about you and are her aligned with you, during the divorce are not seeing it objectively. And so you’re right, 100%. You want people in your camp and on your team that legally getting you through that divorce, that are objective and give you the good in the bad of it, that the highs and the lows, the good in the bad.

00;23;02;09 – 00;23;08;27
Doreen
And as a life coach, you do that because you don’t get it. You don’t jump in the pool with them. Right? You want to explain what that.

00;23;08;27 – 00;23;24;22
Jeff
Means or jump in the pool as I get emotional with you? Well, and and understanding exactly how you feel. And I agree with you. And you know, I’m taking your side, right?

00;23;24;22 – 00;23;51;05
Doreen
So when a client comes to you as an example, let’s take the same one and she says to you, yeah, my husband was cheating on me. I didn’t know about it. And what I found out is he spent a lot of money and it was horrible. Like he spent all this money. And we when you don’t jump in the pool, what that means to our listeners as a coach is that you don’t find the husband’s ax good or bad, right?

00;23;51;09 – 00;24;09;25
Doreen
You don’t fight because in order to be a good coach, you can’t if you jump in the pool with them and you agree with your client, then you’re unable to help them to move past and and change their thoughts so that they can now have new thoughts that serve them.

00;24;09;25 – 00;24;10;15
Jeff
Exactly.

00;24;10;20 – 00;24;19;22
Doreen
And it’s challenging to do, because I know when I was coaching, doing a lot of life coaching, it’s not you bond with your clients.

00;24;19;28 – 00;24;37;25
Jeff
And if it you can, especially if you’ve been through a divorce, but you feel for you, you feel for them. You’ve been you’ve been there, you’ve done that. And you have to kind of erase yourself out of the picture. So you give them the proper advice that they are going to need.

00;24;37;26 – 00;24;39;03
Doreen
Absolutely.

00;24;39;05 – 00;24;57;07
Jeff
Now what about advice from a financial advisor? You know, when you’re going through a divorce, you know, you have to get your ducks in a row, your finances in a row, being prepared. Yeah. To, live a life, a single life in a different way. Is it good advice to get advice from a financial advisor?

00;24;57;09 – 00;24;59;02
Doreen
Oh, I didn’t know I was being interviewed.

00;24;59;02 – 00;25;01;20
Jeff
Yes, well, that.

00;25;01;23 – 00;25;02;27
Doreen
Caught me off that.

00;25;03;00 – 00;25;05;29
Jeff
The. I value your advice.

00;25;06;01 – 00;25;25;10
Doreen
The answer is your lawyer and your lawyer’s team should be able to get most of that together for you. Okay? At least we do. I consider us a full package in other words, we we’re we know financials, right? We know what it costs you and we should know and help you as well as how much is it going to if you keep the house.

00;25;25;10 – 00;26;01;07
Doreen
Here’s what it’s going to cost you. And this is how much you’re going to get in support. You can afford it. You can’t. That’s part of what your lawyer should be doing with you. However, however, lawyers are not taxed, are not tax experts, they’re not tax attorneys, and they are not financial advisors. So I think a great complement to your team, especially if you got some dollars and you want to really understand looking forward, like if I get that account and that asset and that stock or that portfolio, is that going to be best for me or should I take or should I ask for this?

00;26;01;07 – 00;26;04;25
Jeff
Right, absolutely. It’s a post divorce question.

00;26;04;28 – 00;26;28;29
Doreen
But it’s but it no, it happens before the divorce because in order to to in my mind, well, in order to present what you believe the equitable distribution should be right. Because at the end of the day, it’s a 5050 balance sheet generally. But I may want the house and then you get something else. So it happens before you make your offer.

00;26;28;29 – 00;26;34;10
Doreen
You should know that this is the best financial decision. And I think yeah, good advice.

00;26;34;16 – 00;26;45;24
Jeff
When I when I said post-divorce, I think I mean the divorce is over. You’ve got what you got. They know what you’ve got. And now they’re going to work with you on your financial planning.

00;26;45;28 – 00;26;58;20
Doreen
Absolutely. Yeah. You know, one of the things that, side note, I’m right into the weeds. That’s one of the things that I see happen often in divorce is that it pushes people into the reality of dealing with their financials.

00;26;58;22 – 00;26;59;08
Jeff
Okay.

00;26;59;08 – 00;27;21;21
Doreen
You know what I’m saying? Because now you’ve got a financial affidavit, you understand all the assets, all the liabilities, which is your net worth statement. You know, what it costs you on a monthly basis to live, because most courts, including Florida, make you fill out this long laundry list of monthly expenses. And so for the first time in a long time, you’ve sat down, you’re like, wow, look what I have or what I don’t have, and look what I’m spending.

00;27;21;21 – 00;27;27;03
Doreen
And you get to make some really good choices and restructure financially, which I think you do.

00;27;27;03 – 00;27;44;11
Jeff
You get a lot of pushback from that, meaning the financial affidavit. It seems like a lot of people hate going through that exercise of going through their financials and figure out what their expenses are, and dividing this and dividing that. It seems like it’s an exercise that a lot of people push back on.

00;27;44;11 – 00;27;51;24
Doreen
Yeah, because guess what? We have a primitive brain, Jeff. Okay. Primitive brains don’t like to do hard things. And it takes work to sit down.

00;27;51;24 – 00;27;52;13
Jeff
Like that.

00;27;52;15 – 00;28;09;11
Doreen
And figure out your net worth and your monthly expenses. And so most people say, yeah, I’m not going to do that. That’s your primitive brain. We know that absolutely 100%. In Florida. You must file a financial affidavit or exchange it. At least we have a new rule. You don’t have to file it in the court system any longer.

00;28;09;11 – 00;28;23;12
Doreen
You can just verify that you’ve given it to each other. In cases that have children 100% and in most cases it’s the better practice. Yeah. So yeah you got to do it. You have to do it.

00;28;23;14 – 00;28;25;11
Jeff
One, one other piece of advice.

00;28;25;12 – 00;28;41;26
Doreen
You don’t have to do it well because you can have a smile. You have to do it. And you can say, you know what? We don’t want to do all that, right? That’s what we do with my new split up services services at Yale for Family Law Group, we have split up services that are for uncontested. People just generally come in and.

00;28;41;26 – 00;28;42;23
Jeff
Say, take it.

00;28;42;24 – 00;28;45;14
Doreen
We figured it out. Yeah. We don’t want to spend all that money.

00;28;45;14 – 00;28;46;03
Jeff
Exactly.

00;28;46;09 – 00;28;53;21
Doreen
Just draft us our agreement and let’s get on our way. And what a beautiful way to to save a lot of money and get through a system fast.

00;28;53;23 – 00;29;16;16
Jeff
Yeah. Divorce is a kind of a stressful time. I mean, you agree with that? And I do think that maybe you should take it and a little bit of advice from your doctor. In other words, go to a doctor, have your a physical, get any kind of recommendations to go to the gym, get rid of that stress, take, you know, get into a cardio vascular routine.

00;29;16;16 – 00;29;26;26
Jeff
But maybe I would get a little physical and see what your doctor has to say. Yeah. What now? You didn’t think of that one, did you know?

00;29;26;26 – 00;29;29;12
Doreen
I mean, I didn’t know we were listing out people that. Well.

00;29;29;12 – 00;29;38;22
Jeff
No, I’m just, I well, when I was, when I, we were writing the podcast, I thought of people that are going to be coming at you and who you should listen to and what you should care about.

00;29;38;22 – 00;29;41;09
Doreen
Well, your doctor probably isn’t going to come after you.

00;29;41;10 – 00;29;43;02
Jeff
No, no, no, but I’m saying what you should care.

00;29;43;03 – 00;29;54;29
Doreen
Probably I would I would agree with you that in addition to the mental health, which is your coaching and your therapist and check in on both of those is your physical health. Of course, it’s super stress.

00;29;54;29 – 00;29;57;17
Jeff
Some people can and worry themselves sick.

00;29;57;22 – 00;30;22;20
Doreen
And we call it the divorce diet. Unfortunately for no, for a lot of people, I mean, they just lose a tremendous amount of weight because they they’re emotionally at a point where they’re just not hungry, they’re not eating. So I think it’s important. Or we have people that overeat because they’re buffering. Buffering is when you’re trying to bring in a false, dopamine hit, which is like sugar.

00;30;22;23 – 00;30;24;22
Jeff
Gambling, gambling.

00;30;24;24 – 00;30;35;29
Doreen
Alcohol, all the things. But some people use food also to press down their emotions, as we know. And so you can gain weight as well. So you want to be careful of that for sure.

00;30;36;01 – 00;30;56;05
Jeff
So I think the, the main thing that we are boiling down to listen to yourself, your gut feelings, your thoughts, listen to your advice from your coach, if not a therapist, whatever mental, emotional help you want to seek and of course, your legal advice as well from your lawyer or your attorney.

00;30;56;07 – 00;31;17;09
Doreen
And set boundaries. You know, I think, I don’t know if we’ve touched on that enough, but it’s important to let people know in your life that if you need some distance and you love them, you appreciate them, but you don’t want their advice, just tell them, set that boundary. And then we do other we have other podcast about boundaries so you can find those.

00;31;17;09 – 00;31;23;21
Doreen
But we also and maybe you want to list those in the description, if you wouldn’t mind.

00;31;23;25 – 00;31;30;19
Jeff
Yeah I will, I’ll put them in there. And also they can go to the website and go to resources and has all the podcasts.

00;31;30;22 – 00;31;31;08
Doreen
I’m just saying.

00;31;31;08 – 00;31;36;25
Jeff
Listen in there. You just in the search put in boundaries and they’ll and the podcast will come right up. Yeah.

00;31;36;25 – 00;31;55;16
Doreen
Because a lot of times what I hear is people will going through divorce will tell whoever’s in their life not to give them advice any further, but they keep doing it. So when you set a boundary, the important thing is that you do it from a place of kindness and love. You’re clear in what you’re asking of them.

00;31;55;16 – 00;32;14;15
Doreen
Like, I really love you, but I would prefer not to talk about the divorce or, you know, I’ll I’ll reach out to you if I have, you know, some concerns or need something. I just love that you’re here for me and just want to spend time with you. But I’d rather not speak about the divorce. Sometimes that’s enough that the person gets sick, right?

00;32;14;15 – 00;32;31;17
Doreen
But if they don’t, or if you have one of those people that might need a little bit of that extra boundary push, tell them if in the future you mention the divorce, I I’ll just gently remind you that, you know, at this point, I just want to take a break from that.

00;32;31;24 – 00;32;41;20
Jeff
Yeah. And just a little reminder about boundaries, because a boundary seems to keep people out where the boundaries that we’re talking about strengthens relationships and builds relationships.

00;32;41;22 – 00;32;46;14
Doreen
Because it’s a relationship from from real being real, right? Right.

00;32;46;17 – 00;32;48;01
Jeff
It’s being honest and being it’s.

00;32;48;01 – 00;33;11;13
Doreen
Being honest and being real. And I think that also during divorce, you find out a lot about who your friends are. We talked about that another podcast. But you’ll, you’ll know you start to weed that out. And I think that’s also a good thing about divorce. Right. Find out the people that are really interested in you from a truthful, honest place, loving, kind place.

00;33;11;13 – 00;33;14;25
Doreen
And those are the people you like you want to bring into your next.

00;33;14;27 – 00;33;18;06
Jeff
It’s just like a great podcast, the good things about divorce.

00;33;18;10 – 00;33;20;12
Doreen
And we can list all the good things. I mean.

00;33;20;17 – 00;33;21;27
Jeff
There’s a probably a long list.

00;33;21;29 – 00;33;23;02
Doreen
There is a long list.

00;33;23;06 – 00;33;35;05
Jeff
Well, and if you’re want some advice, you can always book a free call with me by going to the website. Schedule a call. Love to speak to you about it. If not, hopefully you can make it to the webinar on December 19th.

00;33;35;08 – 00;33;40;27
Doreen
Well, how? Why would anybody want to talk to you about coaching? I think sometimes it’s.

00;33;40;27 – 00;33;41;20
Jeff
A great question.

00;33;41;20 – 00;34;02;21
Doreen
Yeah. It’s a, you know, coaching when when you speak to us about our coaching, it it can be anything. I mean, we don’t you don’t necessarily have to do a coaching session, although that certainly is a great way to see really firsthand what coaching is about. But, also just to talk to you about the bigger picture.

00;34;02;28 – 00;34;13;24
Jeff
I think it’s just maybe coming to a stranger with your issues. If people are in that primitive brain, they’re going to that’s going to be very uncomfortable for them.

00;34;14;01 – 00;34;18;05
Doreen
Yeah. Well, lucky for you, you you only have, what, two spots open right now.

00;34;18;09 – 00;34;19;05
Jeff
Two spots.

00;34;19;06 – 00;34;19;19
Doreen
Yeah.

00;34;19;19 – 00;34;32;24
Jeff
So and I definitely don’t come across as a stranger. You know, I, I’m, I’m very easy to talk to and listen up to and I really just you never know. You have nothing to lose just to give me a free chat, you know, free call.

00;34;33;00 – 00;34;36;00
Doreen
Well, I honestly believe in coaching because I still do it.

00;34;36;03 – 00;34;36;15
Jeff
I love.

00;34;36;15 – 00;34;39;14
Doreen
It. Yep. It’s fantastic. Okay. All right, everybody.

00;34;39;15 – 00;34;46;08
Jeff
Well, we won’t see you this next Monday, but the 18th will be our next podcast. And I look forward to seeing you then.

00;34;46;09 – 00;34;52;19
Doreen
Absolutely everybody have an amazing week and be kind to yourself and we’ll see you next time.

00;34;52;19 – 00;35;02;05
Jeff
Bye bye bye. You.

00;35;02;07 – 00;35;24;17
Jeff
You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, visit us at ladd-coaching.com. That’s Ladd as in life after divorce. Dash coaching.com.

00;35;24;20 – 00;35;32;01
Doreen
Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember yes, you can have an amazing.

00;35;32;01 – 00;35;44;24
Jeff
Life after divorce.