Ep. 187 – Difference Between Hurt And Hard

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;31;03

Doreen

Hey, everyone. Today we’re going to talk about something that I picked up in yoga. It’s about whether something is hurt or hard. So if you’re ready for episode 187, let’s get started. Hey, Jeff. Hey. How are you doing? Good to see you. You. You know, I love the way. Because I’ve seen you all day. You’ve not seen you all day.

00;00;31;04 – 00;00;56;12

Jeff

I’ve seen you all day. I miss you. I have not seen you all day. No, we are not drinking to those people that are thinking. No, seriously, I actually don’t drink, so. But, Listen. But I’m listening. How’s everything? It’s amazing. That’s it. Well, you know, we’re getting ready to to go on a trip. Yeah. We are.

00;00;56;13 – 00;01;21;13

Doreen

We’re going to go every year. Well, every year I think it’s every year. Is this year. Is this the third year we’ve done this? Third year. But we didn’t go last year because of somebody’s surgery. Oh yes yes yes yes. Oh that’s sad. But we go every year up to North Carolina, to the Blue Ridge Mountains and, meet up with the kids who are now in their 20s.

00;01;21;15 – 00;01;45;21

Doreen

And they’re people, they’re significant. They’re partners, you know. Two of them have boyfriends, serious boyfriends long term, and the other one doesn’t. So they’re, Amanda, Megan, Samantha and Spencer here in Boca Raton. So he’s not joining us. He just started a job. Good luck to him. Big shout out. And, he won’t be coming with us because of that.

00;01;45;24 – 00;02;08;15

Doreen

You know, as the kids get older, it’s really weird. It’s like, they get their own lives, and I don’t know when that happened. What? They were running around like little babies, you know? And then all of a sudden, they’re off, and now they’re they have careers. And we got one finishing. You know, she’s in vet school and we’ve got, you know, they live all over the place and it’s just like a blink of an eye.

00;02;08;17 – 00;02;28;20

Jeff

Yeah. But you know what? When, when when we went to blowing Rock last year or the year before, it was just really nice having the whole family come up and do things together. But it was. But what are these things together? Yeah. So what I’m saying is that they’re going to get busier and then it’s gone and then you know what’s going to happen.

00;02;28;20 – 00;02;50;27

Doreen

But anyhow. Well, that’s why we do this. They kind of, force them to be with us. I know, I know, and now we’re going to probably have to, like, crash their places when they have kids and stuff. But more of that later. Okay. I hope everybody’s doing great. So, yeah, this is an episode actually. Usually we we sit down, we think about our episodes, we talk about the subject.

00;02;50;27 – 00;03;17;12

Doreen

You know, we kind of go through it and outline it. And we had two subjects that we were ready to talk about, and we’ll bring those in another time. But I changed everything, which is an unusual, unusual. So I was at yoga today. I don’t know if I’ve talked about this much, but I am kind of on a, a journey learning about yoga, learning about meditation, learning about just spirituality and breathing techniques.

00;03;17;12 – 00;03;38;10

Doreen

And it’s really amazing stuff for me. So, I’m seeing a change in you. Yeah. It’s like just it’s very good for you. I can’t even, like, tell you that I went up to art and live art of living up in Boone. And what’s the name of the guru? Because we just saw him. Gurudev, Sri Sri Sri Lanka.

00;03;38;15 – 00;04;00;10

Jeff

Shankar. Yes. And he is the founder of art and living, and I don’t know, I just I know when I mentioned, basically I fell in love with him, you mentioned him at my yoga place. They were like, wow, he’s the real deal. And he is a real special. I felt that when we were in the room with him up in Orlando, that we actually drove three hours up.

00;04;00;12 – 00;04;21;00

Doreen

It was more than three hours, saw him for an hour and a half and drove 3.5 hours. Well worth it. Well worth it. Yeah, I don’t know. It’s just me trying to figure out my next chapter and all the things. But anyhow, so I was in yoga today. I go to this amazing place here in Boca Raton. P.S. I want to open one eventually, so mark my words, but maybe somewhere else, like in Charleston.

00;04;21;07 – 00;04;42;26

Doreen

But it’s called yoga joint. And I don’t know the owners, but shout out to them because they are doing a kick ass job there. It’s, it’s a fast, hot vinyasa. And, and then they do like a fat class where it’s with weights mixed with yoga, and the branding is amazing. They’re doing franchises and all the things.

00;04;42;29 – 00;05;14;25

Doreen

So I snuck in the middle of the day out because we’re traveling. But I was working most of the day, did a yoga class, and, during the class, I, the teacher, the yoga instructor, you know, who’s talking to you and moving you through the postures at one point said as we moved into a posture. Now, if this is if you feel if this hurts or if it’s hard, know the difference, right?

00;05;14;25 – 00;05;40;07

Doreen

That we’re here to do hard things. We’re here to learn our practice, but we’re not here to move forward when we’re in pain. That’s an indication that something needs to be corrected right. And she said and then she talked about what hard means, right. That it might be hard in that we’re working through that with our thoughts and our mind or spirituality and all the things.

00;05;40;09 – 00;06;07;04

Doreen

And I thought about you guys going through divorce, post divorce, thinking about divorce, or just anybody going through a challenging time. Now, Jeff and I have done, And why? Because Jeff and I have put together various courses in the past, and one of the things was about a feeling after divorce. When you’re dealing with all of this during divorce, whenever, right, your marriage is falling apart and all these feelings.

00;06;07;06 – 00;06;34;24

Doreen

So to me, that’s the hurt part of it, right? That’s the hurt versus it’s hard to, you know, it’s you’re dealing with the hurt, but it’s also hard meaning it’s hard to do new things, sell your home, uproot your children, divide assets. Be single again out there in the dating world. You know, explain to your family or friends what you’re going all the things.

00;06;34;24 – 00;07;04;17

Doreen

It’s hard. There’s that part of it, for sure. But then there’s the hurt. And just like the teacher was explaining to us as we were getting into a difficult posture, if it hurts, stop. And why do I say that? Because I want to make the distinction between being hurt, which is a feeling stemming from a thought versus being something is hard.

00;07;04;19 – 00;07;23;19

Doreen

And that’s why I decided to talk about this, because I think it’s super important to first deal with the feelings is the hurt. And I’m going to tell you something about one of my clients. And of course, I won’t use any names or anything, but I wanted Jeff to chime in because we looked at the definitions as well.

00;07;23;24 – 00;07;53;27

Jeff

Yeah, just randomly put it into the Google world. And what did you get for her for for no. Oh for heart. Yes. For heart is, difficult to understand. It’s a difficult to even do. Or it may be a difficult experience or something that you’re dealing with. Okay. So may be hard, right? So it sounds to me like it’s more like you’re starting to move forward on something.

00;07;53;29 – 00;08;18;27

Doreen

And either it’s challenging physically or maybe it’s challenging. You’re trying to figure it out, find your way kind of thing. I think I think challenging is a great word because it talks about it’s challenging to yourself that it seems hard to you, right? It’s very, very personal. And when I looked up the word hurt, there’s lots of meanings for the words hurt.

00;08;18;27 – 00;08;55;01

Doreen

Right? But the very last one was mental pain or distress, mental pain or distress. And I thought, that’s exactly how you’re feeling. But just interchange the word right. It could be angry, it could be sad, it could be overwhelmed. It could be hurt. Right. And that that’s expected. That’s normal when bad things happen. And ending a marriage is a bad thing, nobody goes around saying, oh, yay, you know, this is wonderful.

00;08;55;01 – 00;09;18;21

Doreen

No, it is a challenging, horrible time, no question. And so just like the yoga pose, what we’re suggesting is stop when you’re feeling the hurt, the feeling because you need to heal that first, right? It’s very hard to move forward and to start moving in a direction of changing your life from where you are, which you’re going to be forced to do.

00;09;18;21 – 00;09;54;10

Doreen

Of course, when you can’t first deal with the pain and the hurt and those feelings you get, you get basically paralyzed many times. And just recognizing that’s important, right? I mean, it’s also when you’re hurt, it may seem hard. So that’s why you have to kind of work through difficult things. But I think that when you’re going through something that hurts and you sit back and recognize that it hurts, I think that it’s one that’s the first step to kind of get working with yourself through it.

00;09;54;12 – 00;10;16;12

Doreen

Yeah. But what I think it’s even deeper than that. What I think and I’m suggesting, but I actually know not because I’m a mental health professional or I study this, I’m just a lawyer, right. Who has 30 plus years dealing with divorce just about anything. No, but I’m just saying I’m not, you know, I’m not trained, but I have life experience of dealing with people going through divorce.

00;10;16;14 – 00;10;41;20

Doreen

Well, you’re also a certified coach. I’m a life coach. Yes. True. That’s a big thing. I forgot that. That’s what I do. But here’s the thing. It’s like, what I’m trying to say is stop. Just stop for a minute and just figure out is it the feeling of hurt that’s that’s paralyzing you? Or is it just that it’s hard because it’s a very big distinction.

00;10;41;23 – 00;11;15;24

Doreen

And I think understanding that is the first step. And the reason I say that is, is because you can do hard things. We can all do hard things, right? Absolutely. It may not feel good, but you’re not in pain physically or emotional pain. And it’s just hard. It’s hard to learn how to run A5K ride. It’s hard to go and try postures in a yoga studio when you’re learning.

00;11;15;24 – 00;11;44;14

Doreen

It’s hard, but it’s not. It’s not, impossible, impossible, impossible. But when you’re hurt or you have a feeling that is paralyzing you and you don’t recognize that that’s debilitating, it’s very hard to get away from that. And people do. They do. You know, I and all of our listeners know people that went through a divorce or lost a loved one or overcame an illness.

00;11;44;14 – 00;12;13;05

Doreen

Whatever the challenge, the difficulty of the same thing is and they survived it. They got past it. But there’s an easier way. There really is by this inner work of knowing who and what you are. As far as that feeling and just dealing with it, whether it’s breathing, whether it’s yoga, whether it’s therapy, whether it’s group, coaching, like I’m starting a private invitation only group coaching class that I’m going to do once a month.

00;12;13;07 – 00;12;44;03

Doreen

You have to take care of that hurt, that feeling. You can’t just overcommit yourself. You’re not going to just wake up one day, will you? Will I take that back? You will wake up one day and it’ll be gone and you’ll be on to something else. Because life is a balance of 50, 50, 50. Right. But what I’m saying is, just like you want to grow a muscle and, you know, you have to go to the gym and you have to eat certain food and you have to pump the the, you know, you have to lift a certain amount of weight.

00;12;44;10 – 00;13;11;01

Jeff

You have to take care of your inner self too. During this time, especially, I think all the time, but this time more so than than not. And then you can start to move forward and do the hard things, right? I mean, they say that time heals all wounds. It does. But it can be so much better, healed faster, faster and better if we give our nobody think none, nobody.

00;13;11;04 – 00;13;38;11

Doreen

I, I apologize for that. But many of us do not think about what we can’t see, right. Which is the inner pain of emotion. It exists inside of you. It’s in your in your soul, in your heart, in your throat, in your head, in your jitters. That is it. That is your the physical thing that you are feeling, which is the hurt or the pain and sadness or whatever it is.

00;13;38;14 – 00;14;03;13

Doreen

That’s what the stomach aches, ulcers, indigestion, all of that. Listen to your body. Well, if you recognize that something is hard, like you’re in pain, you’re hurt and getting over it may be difficult, may be hard if you recognize the hardness. Does that help? Say it again. You’re in pain right now. It hurts. You’re going through a divorce.

00;14;03;14 – 00;14;28;11

Doreen

Our listeners are in pain, I’m sure. Yes, I’m talking about if they recognize that what they’re going through is hard, which puts them in the mindset of, okay, this is difficult, and if it’s difficult, I can overcome this because I have to rise to the occasion. Yes, that makes overcoming the pain and the hurt. Yeah, a little, a little easier.

00;14;28;18 – 00;14;52;24

Doreen

What I want to. Yes, but you can’t just jump there, Jeff. You know this better than anybody. No, nobody’s saying jump. You can’t just wish to feel awareness. Right. But but I think what you’re suggesting is you’re going to wish to feel better. You’re going to you’re going to push through it. You’re going to conquer through it. That will work to some degree, but you’ve got to deal with the inner part first.

00;14;52;26 – 00;15;09;15

Jeff

Get it out, get the anger out, get the sadness out, get the hurt out through therapy, through yelling and screaming. I don’t care what it is. Don’t hurt anybody. But you know what I’m saying? Get you got to deal with it. Right. And so many people don’t. And here’s how it shows up. Can I tell you an example?

00;15;09;17 – 00;15;32;27

Doreen

You may I had a client of a while ago. Okay. Who came in to me who had, you know, they had been married, I think for like 20 years, maybe a little less than that. Okay. But it was it was a moderate term marriage. Now, imagine my husband is, I would, I would I represented the wife. Right.

00;15;33;00 – 00;16;01;03

Doreen

So husband very successful, executive for a very large company that everybody would know if I said it. Okay. Making almost a million bucks a year. Okay. Wife, extremely intelligent entrepreneur, amazing business I will not mention, but is on the verge of going public and all kinds of things. Two beautiful kids, seven and let’s say like seven and 12.

00;16;01;06 – 00;16;36;11

Doreen

Nice home, live in Boca Raton, come from good families. Every, you know, do all the things like some, you know, people love to do and they could afford to do. Right. And just a good, good family. And then they started having some challenges right in the marriage. And they started to address it. But then my client found out that when they were working on trying to work through their difficulties, he had been cheating and he had been cheating not only then, but for months before that.

00;16;36;13 – 00;17;20;10

Doreen

And she doesn’t know exactly how long, but she knows it was during this reconciliation phase when they were working with therapists in good faith together, okay, and even separated at points to give them space. And she came to me very. She found out okay. She hired a private investigator, and she found out she had a feeling she came to me and she was so angry and so hurt and so the the trust level and all of that, that it was very difficult for me as a lawyer to start the case with her because my understanding of the case as an expert in my field was this is not overly challenging.

00;17;20;12 – 00;17;42;24

Doreen

We have two parents that are amazing. We’re going to have shared parental. We’re going to have 5050 time sharing. We’re going to split the assets. We know what they are. There might be a little valuation issue. Everybody has enough money to live and move on and everything’s fine. That’s called the business of divorce. The money part of it, I can see that in in ten minutes with working with someone right when I understand the case.

00;17;42;27 – 00;18;13;23

Doreen

But but she was so upset and so, angry and hurt that she could not see that and wanted me to take a path of putting certain things into a pleading in a court file that would have told the world right what her husband had done. And I and I said, please don’t do this. Let’s just think about this a little bit, because they are talking, they are somewhat cooperative.

00;18;13;23 – 00;18;36;12

Doreen

Even though things were going on and the shit hit the fan, she was able to still have conversations with him, call him up about the kids, pick up the children. You know, with no issues, even sit at games together. They just didn’t like each other because of what had happened. But they were civil. And I said, stop, you guys are acting great with your with your kids.

00;18;36;12 – 00;19;01;27

Doreen

You got to stop. If you start putting things in pleadings or coming out of the gate hot, you’re going to blow this up. You’re going to be in litigation because people their their reaction to that is what defensive end. Of course it is of course. And so many lawyers come in with this like you know like coming out of the gate hot I don’t know in football what would they call it or would sports like.

00;19;01;27 – 00;19;17;07

Doreen

They got on the offensive. But that’s crazy. And I’m like, wait a second, we haven’t even given a chance to, like, breathe for a minute to see if we can figure this out and resolve this. And you guys want to go down the litigation path because I’m going to fight back. If you do that to me as a lawyer, right.

00;19;17;07 – 00;19;42;07

Doreen

You’re going to defend against it. I said, stop, we have an opportunity here to maybe do this a different way, a kind way to hurt talking. That was the hurt. But guess what? She is super educated, super smart. This wasn’t her first marriage. He had been married when she was young, so she had some experience. And she looked at me and she was like basically a tear in her eye.

00;19;42;07 – 00;20;05;09

Doreen

And she goes, you know what? You’re right, you’re right. That was probably the hardest. A hard part to do is to say you were right. No, I don’t think that was hard. She just said, you’re right because she’s smart and she knows that to get through the divorce, you have to be smart and your feelings and your hurt belong here.

00;20;05;10 – 00;20;28;18

Doreen

Away from the legal part of it and in the therapy office with your support groups and all that. And I’m lucky that she was lucky, I think that I was a coach. I’m a coach. And I recognized this, and I got her to an amazing support group. And she’s she got she’s fine, but she’s hurt still. But now we have the business of divorce.

00;20;28;21 – 00;21;06;06

Doreen

And that’s the hard part. That’s the hard part. We can do it. We can figure it out. We can find figure it out. There’s some issues here. There’s some value issues and things we still have to iron out. But we will get through this without fighting. Right. And so when you’re going through a divorce, whether you’re starting your case or you’re getting into litigation or how you deal and you approach every everyone involved that touches your divorce from your from your soon to be ex to your children to your family, if they’ve got their nose in it to your lawyer, you have to take control of those two differences.

00;21;06;06 – 00;21;30;21

Doreen

The hurt goes there. And the hard part is for me to help you or your great lawyer. Right? And then the hard part continues. After you get healed, you move on and then you do the hard things, but you got to deal with the hurt, right? You can’t just hope one day. Yeah, time heals all wounds. I don’t like that expression because it while it’s true and it’s.

00;21;30;23 – 00;21;53;18

Doreen

Well, I shouldn’t say that I like it for certain things that you can’t control. Okay, so it makes sense. If you lose a loved one, you can’t control that. And likely nothing you can do will will bring you ease of comfort for many, many, many years to come. Right? That’s expected. And so time does start to heal it.

00;21;53;18 – 00;22;17;23

Jeff

Not forget, but heal. But in divorce, it’s really much different than losing someone. I know you’re losing your relationship and your marriage, and it is like a loss and a death, but you’re still existing as two people in this world. You still are who you are. You’re just going to need to learn to co-parent and bring that identity together in a different way.

00;22;17;23 – 00;22;50;11

Doreen

You’re still here, right? That’s the difference, right? Definitely not easy to to, to think about as you’re going through a divorce, whether you’re dealing with hurt. Are you dealing with hard right. But it but is it because if you can’t think about it, then I would suggest you even have to take more care of the hurt part unless you have some intellect, intellectual challenges it.

00;22;50;17 – 00;23;17;25

Doreen

There are ways to to get through a divorce. Now. You can’t control the other person, of course, but it’s getting through the divorce process. And then there’s getting through the healing of divorce, which I do for my clients after for certain clients in my private coaching. Right. And that’s hard too. That’s a whole other sector of this. Said, you got to go through, but you can’t get there until you get past the divorce part.

00;23;17;27 – 00;23;48;22

Jeff

True. So that’s because you’ve been there, done that. What do you mean? I mean, yeah, I know what you’re going to say. Yeah. I mean, yeah. So we both have been there, done that. And I think once you’ve been through a divorce and you realize that there is that next chapter. Yeah, that helps you to deal with the hurt, then it makes it easier to know little bit less hard, a little bit less hard, a little bit less hard I it’s not but I’m not judging.

00;23;48;25 – 00;24;17;11

Doreen

But it’s Yeah, but I mean think about it also, it’s, when Sam and I divorced. Okay. Yeah. Of course the pain hurt the heart. Hard selling homes, dividing things, whatever it was, right? All the things that’s hard. And then the hurt kids. Kids. But in the marriage is dead. But we were able to grow past that and co-parent.

00;24;17;11 – 00;24;36;12

Doreen

And I think he is still one of our best friends. Like he he is up there. When you think about your top ten, he would be someone that we would do anything for. Yeah. Like anything like he could call us right now. Sorry. We would have to. I would do anything for him. Right. So that’s like family.

00;24;36;12 – 00;25;03;05

Doreen

So he’s like, family is family now. He is family is. He is family. Yeah. So and we were able to maintain that beauty of that co-parent relationship with you as a as a stepfather as well. You were super involved to raise the children. And I think early on we established that he felt the same way about me. And we felt that way right away.

00;25;03;05 – 00;25;33;03

Doreen

We, we, we made it. He makes it easy. And I guess I made it easy so you could knock down the hard as much as you could. Well, but I’m going to suggest I’m going to get a little goofy here. Okay. Yeah, but you get used to it. Both you and Sam. Okay. Come from a background of very loving families, albeit that yours was small compared to Sam’s.

00;25;33;05 – 00;26;01;17

Doreen

Your mom was one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met in my entire life. Okay, don’t make me cry. But in other words, what I’m saying is that you came from a background and are a person that’s super loving and kind. Jeff. That is who you are. And so it was natural for you to be kind and loving and endearing with my family and with with Sam.

00;26;01;19 – 00;26;26;12

Doreen

And Sam came from a family where, although not, as you know, they’re very, very big family, but they are the closest, most loving family, where you just do the right thing and you just treat people with love and kindness. So that’s what you guys learned. So that’s who you brought to the relationship. Not everybody out there has that.

00;26;26;13 – 00;26;51;15

Doreen

Yeah. But I mean there are times when people do so for me run into hard. They run into hard. It is hard. Sam made it easy. Right. But what I’m saying is that that was easy for us to move into that co-parenting relationship with him because of who you guys are and who I am. But that doesn’t happen for many people out there.

00;26;51;17 – 00;27;18;26

Doreen

And so that makes it harder for them, you know, to, to to move past. And it’s more hurt and pain and all the stuff. But I want to suggest also that you can make subtle differences in the way that you approach people that are mean spirited and nasty and narcissistic, where you can really, change the way they respond to you.

00;27;18;26 – 00;27;51;09

Doreen

And it’s a whole art and a whole science and a whole, you know, thing. But there are ways that you can approach these people, too, but it just takes a lot more work. Well for another podcast, for another podcast. And so back to the hurt versus the hard. What do you think? Well, I think that, when you’re hurt and you realize that getting over the hurt is going to be hard, I think that’s the first step to working through it.

00;27;51;10 – 00;28;19;28

Jeff

Yeah, I do too. Awareness, awareness that you’re going through pain, you’re going through a hurt. It’s not going to be easy getting over it. But again, I’ll go back to time heals all wounds. We’ve seen many, many times where in the future people have had gone to that next chapter and have experienced the most amazing love and life, but that I but I think our listeners are smart enough to already know that they just don’t know it.

00;28;20;01 – 00;28;45;11

Doreen

And here’s why. If I ask them to close their eyes and just think about something in their past that brought them pain and suffering and hurt could be better. Death of somebody could have been somebody breaking your heart, could have been losing a job. And you thought that the world was coming to an end, that you couldn’t survive.

00;28;45;13 – 00;29;15;26

Doreen

And where are you today? Right. These pains, these trot, these, these tribulations that we go through don’t last. They move, we all move forward. Yesterday is just gone. It’s not there. Tomorrow hasn’t happened. That’s why they call it the present. Right? This is it. So it just takes time. Yes, but I think realizing it and and working through it can make it happen faster.

00;29;16;01 – 00;29;46;17

Doreen

Yeah. Absolutely. Right. All right. It was it was great. I really appreciate that because understanding that whether you’re starting a divorce or in the middle of it or afterwards, I think understanding the the hurt versus hard is, it’s very special and it helps everyone to get through it, the process so much easier. Right? It really does. And so I hope that you think about this.

00;29;46;17 – 00;30;05;08

Doreen

If you have any questions, as always, just reach out to me. You can find me at your for Family law group. And you know, just send me something in our info online. I’m also on all kinds of social media and stuff, so I know you can find me. And, we hope you have a beautiful and amazing rest of the week.

00;30;05;11 – 00;30;07;18

Jeff

Bye bye. Bye everyone.