Ep. 39 – Own It!

Hey, my beautiful friends. I am so excited. Today I’m gonna talk to you about one of my favorite subjects, something I’ve done in my life, and I want to inspire you to consider doing in yours. And it’s about owning it. So let’s get started.

Are you ready to create a life that’s better than ever before? We are Doreen Yaa and Jeff Wilson, and we are here to give you the strategies you need to create the life after divorce that you. And desire as partners, both in marriage and coaching. We use our expertise as well as our own personal experiences to help you make the next chapter of your life the best chapter.

What do I mean by owning it? Well, the way I’m using it is when you want to do something and others in your life, probably people that really care about you and have good intentions give you their opinion, their. Thought about what you want to do, and it’s different. Meaning they voice an opinion like, Hey, you probably don’t wanna do that.

Don’t think that’s a good idea. Et cetera, et cetera. And the way that the subject came to me this week, I was out to dinner with my husband, Jeff, and we were talking about when we first met, we’ve been married now for 12 years. We met each other and. Got married. Let’s just say, look, we met on July 3rd and we were married on November 21st, so you can do the math.

It was a very, very short engagement, and of course many people around me. Had an opinion, had a thought that I was making a bad decision, right? I’d only known this guy for several months. I didn’t know him from before, although we did, um, we were in the same circles and people said to me, uh, what are you doing?

But more importantly than that, they. Didn’t want me to marry him because one, we had such a short engagement and I’m not recommending that for everyone. But look, we’ve been married 12 years, so I went with my heart of hearts and here we are and I’m happily married. It’s not perfect cuz remember even marriage.

Is a 50 50, but I would say we have more, better times and worse times, and I am so in love. So I have that to say. But people were giving their opinions because my husband Jeff, he had also come out of the divorce. Both of us were divorced for some time and he had basically was starting over financially, which sometimes happens in.

He had a, or has a young child at the time, Spencer, my step, my stepson and he didn’t have a lot of savings, right? He, um, was in the martial arts field. He was working for somebody else. He was working long hours and people had an opinion, an opinion, and a thought that I should marry someone that had more finance.

Stability that could provide me a life and the comfort that they thought I needed, and I should have. Surprisingly, the on, I don’t wanna say the only, but two of the most important people that did not share this opinion were our mothers, both of our mother. Who we met at the same time at the house when we told them, and of course we were concerned that we were gonna tell them this news, that we were engaged and getting married shortly.

Um, they were all in. They could, I guess, as moms do feel the love, see the love, see the interaction even though it. Briefly, they just knew my mother in particular. Um, you know, they asked the typical questions, are you pregnant? And the answer’s no, you know, but, uh, she told me, my mother told me that you need to do what makes you happy.

You are an adult, you know how you’re feeling about this and your thoughts about it. And I support. Either way. So go for it now. And my husband’s, um, mother also was extremely, extremely supportive. So that was great, right? There were other people in my life and one person in particular that at the time I would’ve considered one of my best friends.

Um, and we were also in business together. So he had a very strong opinion that I should. Mary Jeff, that he wasn’t financially secure and on, and I know that it was coming from a place of love, but I also know myself and I decided to go for it in spite of. His opinion, his thoughts, and in spite of other people around me and their thoughts, because I have integrity in what I know, meaning that I take, I don’t just take things lightly.

I think about things and I just knew. At that time that it was the right thing to do for me, and so far so good. So if you have something that you want to do, especially coming outta divorce people in divorce, it’s amazing how all the people in your life think they know how to run a case, what you should do as far as a divorce, how it’s gonna work out.

I always tell my clients, let it go in. Ear and out the other. And what I really mean by that is first of all, they probably don’t know the legalities surrounding divorce, right? Come to me, that’s what you hired me to do. Let me be the expert that I am and let me advise you. But as to other issue, Surrounding the divorce.

What I say to my clients is, look, let it go in one ear and out the other, but take a minute and pause and think about what they’re saying. Do you need to reflect on it or not? And I encourage that because they may see it from a different point of view. They may have some different thoughts when they. The comment from the person as to whatever direction it is they should take.

People are gonna have thoughts about things, and they’re entitled to it, right? You tell them your plan to do whatever. Let’s say it’s start a new career, and they have a thought about what you told them. Now their thought is based on their issues, their background, not yours, and trying to convince somebody.

As to why the decision you have made or are looking to make Makes sense doesn’t really serve a big purpose, because trying to manage other people’s thoughts is exhausting and you can’t do it. Meaning people are going to be who they’re going to be. So my question to you is, Are you looking to do in your life that maybe you have put on hold because someone else in your life has told you not a good idea?

For some of us, well, I would say for all of us, when we start something new, When we try something different, when we go into a new relationship or a new marriage as an example, of course there is fear around that or concern. I like to use the word fear because most of us have fear about trying new things, being in new situations.

That’s just part of growth. In order to be. Successful in order to make a difference in your life, in order to be involved in a new relationship, if that’s what you want. There is going to be some fear surrounding it because without fear there is no growth. We can all just go live in the hide in the cave, live in the cave, not leave the cave, and.

Be in our comfort zone, or we can get out of our comfort zone and try new things and grow and become the best version of ourself. When we hear the opinion of someone else, it may be. That we take that opinion and then we use it as an excuse not to proceed because our brain is going to do whatever it can do to tell us why.

What we want to try, what we want to get involved in is a really bad idea, and it will find evidence. Of that excuses, reasons why we should not proceed, reasons why we should stay in the cave where it’s really comfortable and watch Netflix all day and just be safe when you do the thought work that I teach, you’re able to recognize and I hope you do that.

Brain is going to take you, which is your primitive brain, to all of the reasons, the evidence why this is a bad idea. And it will find that evidence. But if you take the time to understand your thoughts, then you will realize what your brain is doing and you’ll be able to get past that and say, wait a second, brain, I know.

because I’m feeling all this fear about trying this new thing about getting involved in a new relationship or whatever it is that I know what you’re doing, but I’m not going to go there because I want to have the best life I can. And I know that in order to do that, I have to put myself out there now going for something in spite of those around you, having different opinions brings.

A different issue as well. The issue of do you want to disappoint this person, especially if it’s someone close to you and how are you going to deal with those thoughts? Well, if I do this, I’m going to disappoint my best friend. This person is going to think that I’m out of my mind, that I’m crazy, that I will never achieve happiness or be okay in this new relationship that we’re going to get divorced pretty soon because I mean, hello.

I’ve only known him for months, but other people’s thoughts are about them and their issues, and. About you and who you are. What is the worst thing that can happen? Why would you be concerned as to what they think going for it is going to feel uncomfortable to those around you. Because likely they have good intentions, but those intentions really play back to something going on with them.

So it’s not about getting over what other people think. Really, it’s about getting over yourself, free yourself to do. Whatever it is that you want to do is ready because you want to do it, period. Now, let’s assume that you try whatever it is that you want to try in spite of others’ opinions, that this is really a bad idea or even your own opinion, because remember, you gotta control your thoughts that this is a bad idea and let’s assume you try it and you.

What are you gonna do at that point? Are you gonna feel embarrassed? Are you gonna give up or are you gonna keep trying? Because remember, it takes failure. I call failing forward to reach any goal. You’re gonna fail. You’re gonna mess things up. It’s not gonna be perfect. There’s a risk. Risk is what permits growth.

I was coaching one of my clients recently, and this is a client who just finished divorce about her desire to move to another state. She has always lived here in Florida. Her family is here, but she wants to move to Colorado. She loves the weather there. She is like addicted to skiing. She. Friends there and she wants to get up and go.

Now getting up and going to her means quitting her job because it’s not a job that you can do anywhere. You know, it’s, you gotta be in the office. It means moving all the way across the country. It means leaving her family and her friends and the life she has created for herself here that she knows in taking a risk.

Now her mother, Is against it. Of course she is. Right. Would we expect anything else? They don’t have children together, so it’s not like she’s mom is saying, Hey, don’t leave. I wanna be with my grandchildren. And even if she was okay, we could deal with that thought. But Mom is saying no, and she is very, my client is very concerned.

She has a lot of. Surrounding hurting her mother. When she told her mother that she wanted to move, her mother looked at her from what she explained and said, absolutely not. And her thought, meaning my client was, I can’t do this to her. If I do this to her, I’m gonna hurt her. But I got her to think about, what if you don’t do it?

Who are you hurt? And the answer that we came up with was herself. I also tried to get her to see, and she did that if she left Florida and the security of her family, friends and what she’s always known to go out to Colorado and it didn’t work out, guess what? She could always come back. She always has that choice, but she has to live her life.

And what she realized for her not to make. Person happy. So my friends, go for it. Go for it. No matter what the fear is, deal with your thoughts. Understand that it takes risk, and if someone else has a strong opinion, otherwise, kindly and gently make your decision for the most important person in your.

Which is you. All right, my friends. Have a beautiful day, love yourself, and I’ll speak to you next week. Bye.

You have the vision of what you want your life to look like after divorce, but maybe you just don’t know how to get there. So if you’re ready to take control of your life and want to find out more about our coaching, Visit us at l a d coaching.com. That’s l a d as in life after divorce coaching.com.

Until next time, have an amazing rest of your day. And remember, yes, you can have an amazing life, life after divorce, divorce after divorce.