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Ep. 91 – Talking to Yourself

How Negative Self-Talk Impacts Your Life After Divorce

Did you know that, according to Google, the average person has about 48 thoughts per minute, or 70,000 thoughts per day? On average, women speak up to 20,000 words a day — which means there are about 50,000 thoughts that we’re speaking to ourselves. That’s a lot of self-talk.

Why is self-talk important? Well, the thoughts we have about ourselves and the world around us can greatly impact our feelings, actions, and ultimately the results we have in our lives. This is why it’s crucial to pay attention to the type of self-talk we engage in.

What Are the Types of Self-Talk?

There are two types of self-talk: negative and positive. Negative self-talk is when we speak to ourselves in a critical or pessimistic manner. For example, “I’m not good enough,” or “I’ll never be able to do this.” This type of self-talk can be harmful and can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

On the other hand, positive self-talk is when we speak to ourselves in an encouraging and optimistic way. For example, “I can do this,” or “I am capable.” This type of self-talk can boost our confidence, motivation, and overall well-being.

How Divorce Impacts Our Self-Talk

Divorce can be a challenging time for anyone, and it can bring with it a flurry of thoughts and emotions. However, it’s essential to recognize that most of us don’t pay attention to our thoughts, and that can be a problem. We often go through our day on autopilot, unaware of the thoughts we’re having.

What you should take away from this post is the importance of thinking about your thoughts. You might not realize that the thoughts you’re having are destructive to your well-being. When you become aware of your thoughts, you can be conscious of them, even the subtle ones that you might not have realized were holding you back. These little thoughts can play a significant role in the results you get in your life.

If you’re going through a divorce or have just come out of one, you’re likely dealing with a lot of thoughts and emotions. The average 48 thoughts per minute might be doubled in your case, given the circumstances you’re going through. You need to analyze your thoughts and figure out which ones are serving you and which ones are not.

Ways to Refocus Negative Thoughts to Positive

Taking a break and stepping away from your desk or the situation can help you refocus your thoughts. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, like you don’t have enough time, or you’re not good enough, take a deep breath, go for a walk, and come back to it later. Remember, your current circumstances will trigger thoughts, but you can control how you react to them.

Here are some specific actions you can take:

  • Take a deep breath and try to clear your mind for a few moments
  • Step away from your desk or the situation and take a short walk or stretch break
  •  Engage in a quick mindfulness exercise, such as meditation or deep breathing
  • Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal or on a notepad to help you process them
  • Practice positive self-talk and affirmations to help you shift your mindset

Sometimes, it can be challenging to identify subtle negative thoughts that are holding you back. For example, when you say, “I want to get better at moving past my divorce,” the underlying thought is that you’re not good enough at moving on. It’s essential to recognize these subtle thoughts and reframe them into positive affirmations.

How Your Thoughts Impact Your Results

In our coaching practice, we use a tool called the Model. The Model says that positive thoughts can bring positive results into your life. So, instead of just wanting a better life, try to imagine what it would look, feel, and smell like if you already had that result in your life. This can help you visualize and embody that future version of yourself.

To do this, use positive affirmations and language that reflects the mindset of someone who is already living the life you want. Instead of saying “I want to attract a great life after divorce,” say “I am very good at attracting a great life after divorce” or “A happy life is attracted to me.” These subtle differences in language can make a huge difference in your mindset and the results you attract.

If you find yourself having negative thoughts or self-talk, ask yourself if you would be thinking those thoughts if you already had the result you’re seeking. Working backward and visualizing yourself already at the end goal can also be helpful in shifting your mindset.

Here are some tips for identifying and reframing negative thoughts:

  • Pay attention to your self-talk and identify any negative or critical statements you make
  • Challenge negative thoughts by asking yourself if they’re true and providing evidence to the contrary
  • Reframe negative thoughts into positive affirmations that focus on your strengths and abilities
  • Practice self-compassion and forgiveness to help you let go of negative thoughts and feelings
  • Visualize yourself as the person you want to be and focus on the positive outcomes you want to achieve

Using Positive Thoughts to Have a Better Life After Divorce

Do you ever find yourself saying “I’m just not good at something”? It’s a common phrase we hear from our clients, and while it may be true that you’re not good at something, it’s important to change the thought or move on from it.

For example, if you’re not good at singing, but it’s not important to you, accept that and move on. However, if it is important to you, then practice and improve at it. The key is to not let negative thoughts hold you back.

Another common phrase we hear is “I’m so much better than I used to be.” While it may seem innocent, you’re actually identifying with your past self instead of your future self. Instead, try saying “I’m mastering whatever it is” or “I’m learning how to.” It’s a subtle but important difference that can make a big impact on your mindset.

Remember, it doesn’t have to take a long time to make changes. You have the power to make a decision in an instant. Don’t wait for change to happen, make it happen. If you’re struggling with negative self-talk, consider working with a coach who can help you become aware of your thought patterns and shift them to more positive ones.

When going through a difficult time like a divorce, it’s easy to focus on the negative. But try making a list of positive things that have come out of the situation. Maybe you now have the freedom to watch whatever TV show you want, or you can lounge around the house without impressing anyone. Shifting your focus to the positive can help improve your mindset and overall well-being.

One of the best ways to overcome the negative thoughts you have is to have the support and tools you need to turn your thoughts into positive ones. That’s what we focus on in our 1:1 coaching at Life After Divorce Coaching. We’ll help you turn off the negative talk in your head so you can build yourself and create the version of yourself that you want to be. Visit our website to schedule your free Discovery Call today.

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