00;00;00;00 – 00;00;30;15
Jeff
So are you considering divorce? Or maybe you’re in the middle of divorce. Or has your spouse decided to end the marriage? You know, divorce is complicated and emotional. We get that. But there are positives and negatives. Pros and cons. So today’s episode is about that the pros and cons of divorce. So if you’re ready for episode 184 let’s get started.
00;00;30;17 – 00;00;51;19
Doreen
Hello there. Hey there. How are you? Good. The pros and cons. While I like that there’s pros and cons in life, there’s pros and cons and everything, right? Well, cost benefit analysis, CPA. Yeah, you like that? I love that. I just feel like everything in life is cost benefit, right? Yeah. So anything new with you? Anything new with me?
00;00;51;23 – 00;01;17;17
Jeff
Yeah. Everything’s new. Everything’s great. Okay, good. About everything. Because life is not perfect. Life is 50. Life is 50. 50. But I can say that I’ve had more. 50% of the good lately. Knock on wood. How about you? Same. Yeah. I’ve chosen to look at the pros and look at the 50%. Good. And, you know, typically you’ll find what you’re looking for.
00;01;17;19 – 00;01;39;11
Doreen
You know, it’s interesting, as we get, we’re going to go through divorce and the pros and cons of divorce and some subjects that, you know, different areas to consider when you’re going through a divorce. And our last episode was about which was 183 was basically about when you just don’t feel like you can and you feel, yuck, can’t do it, can’t do it, I can’t, I don’t want to do.
00;01;39;13 – 00;02;06;02
Doreen
And one of our tips was to, to really think about your thoughts about why you’re feeling like you can’t today, what you’re thinking about the divorce. Because it’s so easy, because of the way we’re built as humans for us to to go to that negative right, to protect ourselves. So we tend to think about negatives as a general like fallback.
00;02;06;04 – 00;02;32;15
Doreen
But there’s positives too. And so if you can gently start to shift your thoughts from the negative about the divorce to maybe some considerations of the positive, maybe that will help. Because remember, your thoughts create a feeling and that feeling drives an action, right? So if you’re feeling sad and depressed or angry, your actions probably aren’t going to be all that beneficial.
00;02;32;22 – 00;03;09;22
Doreen
Know your results aren’t either or your results, right? Like putting your head under the covers and just not doing anything all day. But if your thoughts can be maybe gently shifting to the positive, the pros now, or maybe you’re feeling let’s not move too excited or enthusiastic. Maybe let’s just look to, something like getting past it. Yeah, like like feeling of, like I got this feeling of recognition or acceptance.
00;03;09;25 – 00;03;34;19
Jeff
I think acceptance is huge. I’m accepting the fact that I’m going through a divorce, whether I want it or not, and accepting that this is where where it is. And that’s okay. Right? That I can still create this amazing life for myself, my kids, my family, even though I’m going through divorce. So let’s talk about some of the pros and cons.
00;03;34;19 – 00;04;05;19
Doreen
So the first the first subject I came up with, was freedom and independence. Right? So just think about that as like the subject line. Okay. The con to that when you’re going through a divorce is some may find this newfound independence overwhelming or lonely, right? Especially if you’re accustomed to a long term partnership, right of routine and social socialization together.
00;04;05;19 – 00;04;33;13
Jeff
Right? Like you have your standard of how you live your life. And after the divorce, you’re kind of struggling with loneliness. You come home to the house and you come home and there’s nobody there. Maybe some of your friendships have kind of wandered, right? Because you have, like, these couple friends and you’re struggling with with this newfound independence and freedom that you’re not sure what to do with.
00;04;33;16 – 00;04;51;27
Doreen
Yeah, right. It’s kind of like, okay, now I have all this time, what do I do with this? And it’s lonely. It can be lonely. But thinking about the pros of it. Yeah, that, now you you can make your own choices. You can live life on your own terms. You know, in so many marriages, there’s power struggles.
00;04;51;27 – 00;05;19;24
Jeff
Those are going to be gone. You can watch whatever TV you channel you want. You can listen to whatever music you want. This is now your time. You can decide what you’re going to eat or naughty or whatnot. You’re not taking care necessarily of somebody else’s stuff. Exactly. So I think that that’s the pro right, is that you are now an independent and you get to create whatever life you want and do what you want.
00;05;19;27 – 00;05;43;03
Doreen
Right? So that’s that’s interesting. Yes. It’s scary to a lot of people. I think that, sometimes challenges are scary. And once you get through them, they’re very exciting. Well, I know challenges, but I’m just saying freedom and independence is scary to a lot of people because they’re codependent or dependent on somebody else to make all the decisions.
00;05;43;04 – 00;06;05;16
Doreen
Right. And so now, you know, usually in relationships, a lot of times you have one person that kind of is the alpha. Right. Yes. And that person is making decisions, the other person’s kind of following along. So for those people that have been in that type of relationship, this might be something that feels weird and and kind of like okay what do I do with my time now?
00;06;05;18 – 00;06;31;17
Doreen
But it’s such a positive thing too, right? You could just decide. It’s like a blank canvas, right? It can be. Yeah. The next one I want to talk about, which is obvious and, and and important is escaping from unhealthy relationships. Okay. Right. So the con is, the divorce process can be emotionally challenging, and most people experience intense emotions during a divorce.
00;06;31;19 – 00;06;57;29
Doreen
We talk about this a lot. You know, sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, some of the emotions you you feel, however, these emotions usually subside as you adjust to your new life as an independent, as a single person. The pro of escaping an unhealthy relationship can be just. Just that escaping an abusive and alien ship, you know, and improving your mental and physical health.
00;06;58;04 – 00;07;24;03
Doreen
Yeah. I mean, unfortunately, I’ve had a lot of clients, throughout my years of practice who come to me and, you know, I’m not a mental health professional, obviously, but, in a what would be considered a healthy relationship either it’s, you know, unfortunately some physical abuse or physical abuse, I shouldn’t say some I’ve dealt with that many times.
00;07;24;03 – 00;07;45;21
Jeff
So that’s a pro getting out of those types of relationships. Right. You know, if you’re being hit, if you’re being physically abused, seek help. But there’s also emotional abuse. You can have people in a relationship, as we all know, that are extremely controlling. I one client recently, she finally she said to me, Doreen I, I just, I feel like I can breathe now.
00;07;45;24 – 00;08;08;19
Doreen
She’s in the middle of divorce but they’re living separately. And she said I was walking on eggshells my entire marriage because it was like I was so afraid that I would do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, cook the wrong food, you know, look the wrong way and or poke the bear somehow. And I used to get, you know, he was just horrible to me.
00;08;08;22 – 00;08;29;17
Doreen
So the pro of that is, if you’re in those types of relationships and you’re getting divorced, good for you. Good for you that you finally have stood up for yourself, you’re getting out. It’s tough, but you can do this. So the pro is getting away from that. Next thing we’re going to be talking about is the opportunity for personal growth, right.
00;08;29;19 – 00;08;56;14
Doreen
You know, the kind is the emotional toll of divorce can hinder your personal growth, at least in the short term. In the early stages of divorce, most people are overwhelmed and operating in the crisis mode, and it may be very hard to imagine what your future will look like, you know? Nevertheless, though, you can focus on building a life that you can find fulfilling.
00;08;56;16 – 00;09;21;04
Doreen
Be patient. It may take maybe 1 or 2 years before you fully can recover from the divorce. Yeah, so I think that what you’re saying is that the kind of this personal growth part is that divorce is challenging. Yeah. You slow it down, it slows it down. Right? Like, it’s not like we’re at our optimal best self and we’re trying to personally grow, right?
00;09;21;05 – 00;09;46;12
Doreen
Right. So you got to work extra hard to get there right. But but the pro or being patient you’ve got to be patient with yourself. But the pro of it is some people view divorce as an opportunity for personal growth. I we talk about it a lot as being that platform, that platform that kick in the tushy that some of you need to get out and get going with your life.
00;09;46;12 – 00;10;22;03
Doreen
Right. It’s like, okay, this happened, my divorce is happening, and now what am I going to do? Well, you’re kind of forced. No, not kind of. You are forced to rebuild your life. It is eye opening experience. Well, it’s going to be different, right? Right. And sometimes in life, unfortunately, you need to hit a bad. I was going to say bottom, but you got to hit some negative things in your life, whether it’s an illness, losing a job, you know, a death and divorce to kind of have a kick in the touch that says, now you have an opportunity, let’s make it great.
00;10;22;06 – 00;10;42;24
Doreen
So look at it that way as well. Yeah. Right. Well, let’s talk about the kind of your financial situation. Well, yeah. I mean, we can talk about the finances and the pros and cons of that. Right. So what’s the con of a divorce can also result in financial hardship. Well, for sure you’re splitting two incomes are not two incomes.
00;10;42;24 – 00;11;07;16
Doreen
You’re splitting the assets. Right. Well, especially if there are disputes and over over the assets child support alimony has comes into play. You know, many people have to reduce their lifestyles when they’re divorced. And the same income now has to support to home. Yeah. And there may be legal expenses and additional therapy costs or you know, you know, the alimony.
00;11;07;16 – 00;11;32;23
Jeff
Of course, downsizing is frequently the best solution, at least for the couple of years. Yeah. Depends on the financial circumstances of the of the parties. Right. You know, I deal with a lot of high net worth individuals, which there isn’t going to make much difference. Right? There’s enough money to go around and they’re not going to really take a compromise in their lifestyle.
00;11;32;23 – 00;12;14;14
Doreen
But for most individuals, no question, you know, you have two incomes supporting one household. Now you’re going to have two households, you’re going to split the assets and all the things. Right. So it’s going to be a financial issue. But what’s the pro of that? The pro is depending on the circumstances, divorce can lead to improved financial stability and the ability to make independent financial decisions is how you’re going to use your money, what you’re going to spend well, what you’re going to spend it on, right, how you’re going to save for the future.
00;12;14;16 – 00;12;41;16
Doreen
Lots of people come to me about divorce who have financial issues with their partner that, you know, money is up there. As far as one of the top reasons that people have problems in their marriages, right? So, you know, you got someone who’s overspending, you got somebody who’s underemployed. Now, you don’t have to deal with that anymore. You’re going to have to restructure.
00;12;41;19 – 00;13;02;01
Doreen
You’re going to have to pick up the pieces. And you’re right, Jeff, like you said for a few years, you may have to take a step back and, you know, refocus and downsize to rebuild. But now you have the ability to do it yourself. Yeah. Well, that’s what we say. We we’ve talked about the freedom. We talked about the opportunity for personal growth.
00;13;02;01 – 00;13;27;15
Doreen
That could be a good personal growth as far as your financial situation, maybe a career change, maybe, something you’ve been meaning to, to, to launch or maybe getting rid of someone who just isn’t pulling their financial weight. That can be a pro as well. And you know, it’s finances are a big issue. I, I hear a lot about, problems in marriages.
00;13;27;15 – 00;13;54;22
Doreen
So that’s that’s important, right? I’m sure you hear a lot about, the children when it comes to the next thing is I want to talk about the children. Right. So children and divorce. There’s pros and cons, of course. And I think, let me just start by saying, you know, you probably my advice would be to seek professional assistance with the children issues, right?
00;13;54;22 – 00;14;15;11
Doreen
Because depending on the age, the maturity, what’s going on as far as the couple in the divorce, you know, have they seen things that maybe they shouldn’t have seen? Have they been in the middle of things they shouldn’t have been? And how do we approach telling them about the divorce? How do we make sure that they’re okay, that they have the emotional support that they need?
00;14;15;13 – 00;14;39;23
Doreen
So I think getting resources in place, having a check in with a, for example, a therapist who deals with children going through divorce or just children issues is important. So some of the cons would be what? Well, mostly what you just said as far as you know, losing their family unit, experiencing the turmoil. We don’t know what they’ve heard, what they’ve seen.
00;14;39;23 – 00;15;08;23
Doreen
Yeah. You know and how to deal with that emotionally. I think just the divorce itself can be a con for the children. They know nobody wants their parents to divorce, right? Right. They want they have visions and they rightfully want to have both parents. Right? They want a unified family. But that isn’t always possible. And many times you have just, a dynamics, a dynamic between the, the mom and dad that’s just really unhealthy for the children.
00;15;08;26 – 00;15;33;08
Doreen
Remember that, you know, children learn from what they see. And do you want the children to see that this is the relationship? This is what a marriage looks like when it’s not good, when it’s not healthy, you know, when they’re seeing, fighting and arguing and and maybe a lot worse than that. So that’s that’s something to consider. Yeah.
00;15;33;09 – 00;16;00;13
Doreen
Now the pro of course is in abusive marriages and and environments that are just not healthy when you’re providing them with a safer, more stable environment to live in, right? Yeah. Free from all of that. Exactly. You know, so if you know, the con is saying they’re surrounded by all this turmoil, well, obviously the pro is getting them away from getting them away from it.
00;16;00;13 – 00;16;21;15
Doreen
Yeah. They don’t have mom and dad together and that’s the con. But the pro is they don’t have mom and dad together being horrible to each other. They have to be in a calm, positive, stable environment. And I and I asked my clients a lot about that, like, how are the kids doing? And the kids really do adjust.
00;16;21;19 – 00;16;52;20
Doreen
I think extremely well depending on the circumstances. And I think most parents going through a divorce, at least I want to believe. And from what I’ve seen, they really love their kids and they want what’s best for them. They really do. And so even though they may disagree about a lot of things, usually I find that many of them going through a divorce come together and unite when it comes to issues regarding the children, so they may disagree about the money selling the house.
00;16;52;22 – 00;17;43;17
Doreen
You know who gets what all the things. But when it comes to children, they tend to unite. Not always. And hopefully parents are not using the children as basically pawns in the divorce. But most parents, I think, have good intentions when it comes to their kids, right? So the next one is that old social stigma. Yeah, there is still a lot of social stigma when it comes to divorce, whether it’s based on religious beliefs, whether it’s based in family beliefs, you know, like your families against it, what social status, social status of being single versus married or double or having that, that stigma that you’re divorce, say yes, that and maybe in your friend
00;17;43;17 – 00;18;08;13
Doreen
group. Yeah. You know they don’t like it. So there’s that socializing effect of it. So the con is that right. It can be challenging, depending on who’s around you and what the people think. Now my thought goes to who the hell cares what people think, right? But I know that’s easy to say. Not so easy to live.
00;18;08;16 – 00;18;43;28
Doreen
It’s right. But the pro of it is who really cares? Like this is about you. This is about what you need to do to take care of yourself. So the social stigma of the divorce should be second to that. You can’t be good to anyone, yourself, your children, the world. If you’re in an unhealthy relationship and you’re staying married just for the sake of, oh, this is something that my family isn’t going to improve, approve of, or I’m doing it for the kids.
00;18;43;28 – 00;19;10;09
Doreen
So many times I hear that I’m staying together for the kids. Oh yeah, but I’m showing them this horrible thing called marriage and they think that a marriage is people fighting and arguing and all the things. Right? And then also, I know you were strong on believing that divorce is not that the marriage has failed, because a lot of times you think that that’s part of the social stigma that they’re going to see you as a failure, right?
00;19;10;12 – 00;19;34;26
Jeff
Yeah. Because why can’t you why can’t? And this is what we’re hoping. You know, I think when one family at a time, right, one person at a time, is that you can love and respect that and really appreciate the many years that you had together that were great. Just because the marriage has outgrown itself for whatever reason. Right?
00;19;34;29 – 00;20;00;09
Doreen
Maybe it’s just time to say goodbye. It it’s it’s played out. It’s had its time for whatever reasons there’s been distance or how do you want to say it like the couple has grown apart. Can’t you just respect the fact that it was an amazing marriage for many years? Maybe it was a good marriage for many years. Maybe it was not so good, but respect that you know, right?
00;20;00;09 – 00;20;21;02
Doreen
And then acknowledge the fact that it’s time to move on, respect that, love that, and then move on to the next part, which is whatever it looks like for you in your next, next chapter. We call that. Well, and maybe it’s co-parenting as well if you have children together. Right. So I don’t know that there has to be such a stigma.
00;20;21;04 – 00;20;49;20
Jeff
I know that people are going to have their own thoughts about your divorce. You can’t control someone else’s thoughts. Thoughts, right? Only yours. But you can say, hey, I understand that you don’t agree with the divorce, but this is my choice. This is my decision. Stand up for yourself right? Yeah. And I think if you do and the other person is a true friend or, you know, a family member, they may say, well, I never looked at it that way.
00;20;49;22 – 00;21;11;05
Doreen
And I kind of agree with you. Yeah. Yeah, they do or not, it doesn’t matter. But I’m just saying you can say, this is how I feel about my divorce, and I want you to respect that. Right? Or you know, I’ve just made a decision. I, I hear you and I respect that you don’t agree with my decision, but I want to move on from that and just agree to disagree.
00;21;11;08 – 00;21;33;10
Doreen
Now, you will probably learn who your friends are. Yeah, during a divorce and the people that you know just aren’t going to get it. And you have to rebuild that as well. Right. Exactly. But, maybe it’s a cleaning out time looking at that one best friend, we want to talk. Well, let’s talk about the legal process. Obviously, the expert in that area.
00;21;33;10 – 00;21;54;25
Doreen
Yeah. The con of that is that, you know, depending on the complexity of your divorce, it can be very expensive and it’s complex. Most legal systems are somewhat overcrowded, so it’s hard to get court time. It takes time to get through the process. There’s a lot to do to figure out how to unravel things in a divorce and the right attorney.
00;21;54;28 – 00;22;14;07
Doreen
You got to find the right attorney. You got to have money to get through and hire the attorney. You’ve got to figure out and produce all of your financials. You’re going to have to go through the court process many times. You’re going to have to go to mediations. All of these things you’ll get through. If you have the right lawyer, you’ll get through.
00;22;14;10 – 00;22;36;19
Doreen
And now you know, like in my law firm, we have something called split up services, which is for those people who can come together and basically resolve their issues and have representation that we offer at a at a good price. We still offer litigation for the higher end, but for those who can really, you know, get it together and work through it, there’s options right?
00;22;36;21 – 00;22;56;01
Doreen
So yeah, you’re going to have to go through the legal process. You’re going to have to figure it out. It’s not comfortable. That’s the kind of it the pro is that you’re going to get through it. Well it’s like that saying why is divorce expensive? Because it’s worth it. Worth it. So take all those pros that we talked about in this episode.
00;22;56;03 – 00;23;21;22
Doreen
It could be worth it. Well, and the legal system provides as complex as it can be, it provides structure and protection during divorce. In other words, it requires certain things. So the law is there to protect your interest. Divorce law is there to give you an understanding. Half of the assets in Florida, half of the liabilities as well.
00;23;21;22 – 00;23;42;20
Jeff
So it’s like we’re going to share things. Then you have support. They’re going to take care of you. The law says we’re going to pay support. If you have a need, and the other person has the ability to pay based on certain parameters and guidelines. Child support, same thing you’re going to the courts are going to require parents to contribute to the support of their children.
00;23;42;20 – 00;24;07;06
Doreen
So there’s protection in place. So as challenging as a legal process is, it affords you that comfort of knowing that it will provide for you, right? Right. So it’s there. Okay. I have one more that I wanted to add. Okay. I don’t know about this one. I know this is a surprise. I’m pulling this one out of my back pocket.
00;24;07;09 – 00;24;35;02
Jeff
You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve to find someone that is your soulmate, your special person, or just yourself. Find yourself a divorce. Give you that opportunity. If you’re in a in a marriage that you don’t feel that you have, that the divorce gives you that opportunity to find it, right. You know, and I took that from my own experience.
00;24;35;04 – 00;24;57;18
Jeff
You know, I found you and I found the love of my life. And if you didn’t get divorced and I didn’t get divorced, that would have never happened. So many times I hear that. Well, first of all, thank you. And I feel the same way. But second of all, you know, so many of the people that I’ve worked in my 30 years getting them through their divorce, they have found love.
00;24;57;19 – 00;25;41;00
Doreen
Yeah. They come back in the year I’ve been around. And when you run into them. Yes. So happy. And more so than not, meaning most people do find another relationship, whether they get married or they choose not to, they find another person, right? I personally don’t believe there’s just one person and that’s it for anyone. We have many potential opportunities for relationships and depending on the stage of your life and what you, you know, if you’re in the children’s stage or you’re in the retirement stage or whatever it looks like for you, you’re right.
00;25;41;02 – 00;26;04;10
Doreen
The chances are you are going to find it if you want it. That relationship again, something beautiful. And you can look forward to that. I think that’s a beautiful thing. I think most people will agree that they deserve it. They do. Yeah, we all do and we all deserve to be that. And maybe it’s just also finding that love for yourself, right?
00;26;04;15 – 00;26;28;23
Doreen
Finding that new relationship with yourself, that can be important to so many, I think of us tend to be so consumed with others. And in a marriage with your spouse as being a priority and some something that you you know, you’re focused on your family, obviously your spouse being part of that. Now you have an opportunity to focus on who you are, right?
00;26;28;23 – 00;26;50;03
Doreen
Your relationship with yourself. So whether it’s finding someone or finding yourself, I think that’s a beautiful thing to look forward to. True. Perfect. All right. Thank you. All right. So everyone listen. Pros and cons of divorce. Think about them. You’re going to get through them. Meaning you’re going to get through this and on to your next best life.
00;26;50;03 – 00;27;00;17
Jeff
How amazing, amazing day. And know that you two can have an amazing life after divorce. After divorce. Bye bye bye.
